Back Seat Parenting

Jane - posted on 08/12/2010

The man in this article was an absolute ass! There is absolutely NO excuse for what he did.

Now, putting that aside, if I'm in a restaurant that is obviously adult oriented and there is some kid screaming or acting inappropriately, I wouldn't say anything but believe me, my looks will let the parent know that the behavior is unacceptable. In places where kids will be and it's acceptable, I can't say I never get annoyed when a kid is incessantly crying or behaving inappropriately but I would never say anything.

Celeste - posted on 08/12/2010

I won't say anything unless a) they put my child in danger or b) they put themselves in danger. If a child as directly being mean to my kid, pushing them, splashing them, I would absolutely intervene.



If their behavior isn't putting anyone in danger, being loud at a grocery store for example) but not putting anyone in harm's way, I will keep my mouth shut. I don't know their situation-how do I know that they don't have Autism or some other special needs? I have no idea what's going on with them.







I have an aunt who sorta butts in and it really annoys me. I had an incident last year where my 3 year old son, who was in front of me was about to stick his finger in a cake. Before I could even get my first word out, she butt in. I was aware and about to stop the behavior. He said something ugly to her and again, before I could say anything, she threatened to slap his face. He sees this woman maybe once or twice a year, and if she would've just butt out, I would've handled it right there.



I sorta run into this now that my daughter is a bit older. There is a neighbor's 10 YO child who does inappropriate things (sexual in nature), she also physically hurts my daughter, etc. I have told her mother but she refuses to believe that her daughter would do such things because, in her words, "is a straight A student". So, I will not allow my daughter to play with her or if she does play with her, they are closely supervised..





On the other hand, if for some reason, I didn't see it and one my children was mean, hit someone, I would hope someone would tell me..

Jaime - posted on 08/12/2010

I would have been grateful to your SIL, Sara. If the parents were ten rows up that's just ridiculous. Some parents can be shitty, that's for sure. But if she had not talked to the young girl, who knows what might have happened. I couldn't just watch a child carry on in a dangerous situation...I've spoken up and told kids to be careful when we're at the park and such...it's just common sense and I also think it's just our instinct to want to be protective (kind of the way female dogs are with children most times)...not that I'm calling us dogs or anything. lol

*Fluffy Bunnies - posted on 08/12/2010

I went to a concert with my sister-in-law (who was not/is not a parent). She saw a little girl jump up and lean over the balcony. Her feet were dangling so one false move forward and she would've fallen very far to the ground below. Without hesitating my SIL went to her and said very nicely "honey, you should get down. You could fall." Apparently a stranger talking to her scared her and she ran to her parents who were about ten rows up watching their child lean over the balcony (!!!) got angry. My SIL just walked away and we went on with our night. I definitely think she did the right thing. She wasn't about to stand there and watch the child fall. So I guess that's a situation where it's not affecting your own children, but I think if safety of any child is in danger then something should be said.

Rosie - posted on 08/12/2010

me too, i hate to give up the control, lol!!

Chatty - posted on 08/12/2010

I'm a backseat driver, does that count? *giggles*

Jaime - posted on 08/12/2010

I agree Lisa...from what you have described, the mother of this ill-behaved boy was doing nothing to correct the situation or discipline her son. It's not as if you were deliberately expressing your dislike of one child's behaviour...he was physically hitting the other kids and that's not good either.

In your case, I would agree, there are certain situations that call for 'back seat' parenting so-to-speak.

*Lisa* - posted on 08/12/2010

I mentioned this in another thread. I went to a playgroup the other day and it was all very pleasant until a 2 year old boy showed up. He proceeded to smack a 1 year old girl with a toy truck, screamed in my 1 year old boy's face for touching 'his' toy, and then grabbed a hula hoop and smacked a little 5 month old baby on the head. His mother did nothing. I felt bad for her because she didn't seem able to discipline him. Anyway, the 5 month old's mum said 'NO hitting' firmly. He walked away and came back 5 minutes later and attempted to hit her AGAIN. I think in circumstances like this we absolutely had the right to tell the mother that we didn't like this child's behavior because it directly affected our children.

Elisabeth - posted on 08/12/2010

I've never said anything except for this one time. My neighbour has three boys and often two would come over and play with my girls, except often they would jump over the back fence or open the gate without permission. I asked them several times not to do it and they kept doing it and would often go for a swim in our pool without asking. I put a padlock on the gate and told the parents kindly about the situation and they said they would talk to them, but they kept doing it. Finally came the last straw, they asked if they could come over but I said no as I was going somewhere. I left but relised I had forgotten something a few minutes later and turned around and drove back to find they had jumped the fence and broken the back door to get inside the house, I walked in and they were in my fridge helping themselves to my food. I didn't scream or anything I said in a stern voice. "You know this is wrong, I am very disappointed in your actions, now go home." Later that night I went to talk to the parents, I was nice but stern. They started screaming at me saying it was my fault I should of told them not to break in. ???HUH??? Anyway I said if it happens again I will call the police it is the only option I have is to call the police and again they are screaming at me and saying I shouldn't threaten their children. I just didn't want a drowned kid in my backyard or one bitten by my dogs (they are not aggresive towards people usually but they are trained to be guard dogs). I didn't even ask them to pay for replacing the broken lock or anything. Anyway that is my example. (Btw the boys are 4 and 8 yo).

Chatty - posted on 08/12/2010

I echo what Jaime said mainly because I can't think right now and what she said sounds really good. ;)

Jaime - posted on 08/11/2010

Nah, unless I know the situation because I'm involved in the dynamic, I don't feel it's my place to say anything. I won't lie and say that I haven't been irritated by seeing a child misbehave in the past, but because I don't know the situation, how can I reasonably complain?

I have disciplined my friend's and my sister's kids but never have I over-stepped in mid-discipline. I am a firm believer that it take a village to raise a child...but it also takes empathy and true understanding before a person is equipped to deliver any kind of reprimand for ill-behaviour.

April - posted on 08/11/2010

I have been in a different situation with a friend of mine. It was my son's first birthday party and her son opened ALL of my son's gifts. It may have been cute if the boy had been 1 also, but he was nearly 5 years old.

I was tempted to verbally reprimand the boy myself but thought that his parents should be the ones to give him guidance. I kept waiting for them to say something and neither one ever did. I learned my lesson, if it happens again, I will certaintly say something.

but...this girl is a close friend of mine and i know her son isn't autistic and doesnt have any other type of special need. with a stranger, i wouldn't know that, so it wouldn't be fair to "back seat parent"

Leah - posted on 08/11/2010

I usually don't say anything unless it is directly affecting my childrens safety or if its a friend asking for my advice or opinion. And I don't expect anyone to say anything to me (although, as any proud mother would say, I have very well behaved children :D). As to this extreme case reported by CBC, I think the situation is horrible! It is one thing to say 'can't you control your kid' but when he found out that the child has autism, he should have understood. Maybe he was just to ignorant to understand exactly what autism is and how it affects a child.

Sunshine - posted on 08/11/2010

I personally wouldn't say anything to another person.. Cause every ones parenting skills are different then the other. I actually wouldn't mind advice but if someone came up to me & TRIED to tell me what to do there would be a problem... I mean if the child is OUT OF CONTROL YES I would say something.. But an Autistic child of course not..

That man was obnoxiously Rude & had no sense..

Some people just need to be guided in the right direction!!

Sarah - posted on 08/11/2010

Obviously the man was way over the line in this case, especially since the man informed him that his son was autistic. That being said, I will say something to a child and/or available parent if I think it is needed, ie. the child is going to hurt someone (himself included). Two examples-
I took my then 8 month old to the pool, we were in the baby pool when a 10-ish kid came running through the baby pool, splashed water all over my daughter and made her scream and yell- I reprimanded the child on the spot. I didn't yell, I didn't cuss, but I told him that this was the baby pool and he had splashed her and scared her. I saw no parent, or I would have waited to see if they said something.
I was at a fast-food restaraunt and a couple was there with their child- a toddler. They did not buckle the screaming, thrashing little heathen into the high chair, and after he threw a fit, subsequently let the child down to wonder the restaraunt at free will. The child was literally picking food off of strangers' plates and eating it. When the child approached me and my food,I calmly told the child, "no" and told the parents, "you need to get you child". They weren't happy, but frankly I don't care. I know it was only Taco Bell, but I still think the behavior was Way out of control. That the parents would sit there and think it was cute for their child to display zero respect for others is disgusting.
I agree with Mae- it takes a village to raise a child and while I don't want someone to over rule me, I have no problem with polite suggestions or with someone telling myc hild "no" if I'm not paying attention- or if it's their house.

Mae - posted on 08/11/2010

I am a strong believer in it takes a village to raise a child and I remember on military bases if you messed up everyone scolded you. My daughter is pretty well behaived for a child her age and I usually don't have to tell things more than twice, but if some one thinks I could improve I'll listen to a nicely phrased suggestion. I don't offer unsolicited advise to others though (except family, but we all parent the same way and all of us "co-parent" when we have family get togethers) just for this reason child get sick, children have development issues, children have bad days just like the rest of us. When there are children that act out in public I just think "thank god that one isn't mine today" but it has been mine in the past. Saying something doesn't do anything so why bother? If the parent could stop their child from acting up I'm more than sure they would. I think that the guy at the resturant was probably drunk because I just don't see how some one could behaive that way otherwise.

Good Day! - posted on 08/11/2010

No sane person would have reacted the way that man did. Anger issues, perhaps?

Sara, I agree with you about the teacher thing. Each of my students had a "Conduct and Work habits" folder that was graded weekly (our district required grades for those categories, but that's something else to debate). Basically the list of rules was listed and if the rule was broken the kid got an X in that category. 0-1 X's was an "A", 2-3 was a "B" and so on. That was the main way I was able to communicate behavior with the parents. If they had a question, they were free to contact me, but few did. I only called home for extreme behavior and that happened twice.

Now other than being a teacher, I've discussed behavior with parents of children that have been in my care. I used to watch a girl my daughter's age 2-3 times a week. I didn't report every tantrum, but if she had an unusually bad day, I would ask if she was feeling okay or if there was something going on. She was usually great though. I've also discussed behaviors of my nieces and nephews with my in-laws, if needed.

The one time I WISHED I'd said something was when a girl at my daughter's music class hit her on the head, repeatedly. I was in shock and honestly couldn't get past what had just happened. I know kids hit, but her dad didn't apologize to me or reprimand his daughter. I probably would have already forgotten the incident if he had tried to rectify the situation in some way. I ended up just moving to another class during the week.

Rosie - posted on 08/11/2010

only if their childs behavior affected my kid directly, and even then i have problems confronting people. i was at the beach recently and this kid had been throwing sand around and my kid was unlucky enough to get the full brunt of it. a huge chunk of wet sand was flung right into my kids eyes. he was screaming and crying and the other kid just ran away. his mom repremanded him-a little- and told him to apologize. he didn't and she didn't feel the need to make him follow thru.
another time, a kid was pushing my son off of a chair and the mother was busy reading a magazine. i made her aware of the situation and she took care of it.


these are all situtions of where my child was directly being affected by someone elses child. no way in hell are you going to catch me making a remark to someone about someone elses kid when they aren't physically harming my child. one of the main reason IS because they may have autism. my oldest has high funcitoning autism, and one of my friends has 2 boys that have autism, and their behavior is atrotious(sp?). they hit, kick, bite, scream and flail about like mad men. i've seen the hurt in her eyes, i hear how she cries about what it's like for people to tell her to keep her kid under control. she really can't, they've gotten better, but they cannot be controlled. she now refuses to go out in public with them for the most part, but sometimes she HAS to. this family didn't have to go out, but why should they be penned up forever doomed to be "unnormal". people like this man piss me off to no end. butt the fuck out, if nobody' is physically harming you, mind your own damn business, or ask to be moved, or POLITELY ask the parent to help. once they respond with the kid has autism, all bets are off. i wish people would understand that a hell of a lot more.

Toni - posted on 08/11/2010

That mans behaviour was appalling and he definately demonstrated an extreme reaction. However, I would discuss a child's behaviour with their mum/ dad if it was endangering/ hurting my child.



I have spoken to a mom (the same woman) on 2 consecutive weeks as her 3 year old son first pushed my 9 month old over for no reason (and although not hurt it scared my son) the same week this child tried to stamp on our friends hands (she was 11 months) a week after this same boy then stamped on my sons hands. She was VERY apologetic and made her son apologise - I felt bad for the kid though because it was obvious he was doing it because that was when his mom stopped talking and paid him attention.



For general bad behaviour as long as it is not affecting me or my son (as in physically) I would ignore it - I will also teach my son that is not how we behave!