can a judge tell me to stop nursing my one year old?

Dove - posted on 07/03/2012

I don't recommend telling CPS to 'F off'.... that's a good way to KEEP them on your case.

Sherree - posted on 07/03/2012

Also , my baby won't take breastmilk from a bottle, only from the boob..

Sherree - posted on 07/03/2012

I"m in the middle of a custody battle myself, but this time with CPS... I take medication that I can't take while breastfeeding but I pump and dump... CPS flat out told me, you cannot nurse your baby anymore, period and you cannot be alone with your baby (ex lied and said I was abusive), I think that's violatin my own personal right to feed my child the way I want to.. I pump and dump and nurse very responsibly and the meds I take are actually compatible with nursing.. Im about to tell CPS To fuck off and let me do my thing and leave me alone... I love nursing and dont want to give it up.. it's been a week but I'm still producing and my baby is still asking for "num nums".. andI feel horrible saying no more num nums... to top it off, CPS said I cannot co sleep with him.. Isn't that like against my civil and basic rights as a mother?

Suzette - posted on 06/07/2010

Good point Loureen, that hadn't crossed my mind for some reason. ;)

Sherri - posted on 06/07/2010

I agree April.

April - posted on 06/07/2010

a judge doesn't have to directly order a mom to stop nursing. all he or she has to do is make a ruling as such as granting full custody to dad or granting dad overnight visitation. that's all.

Charlie - posted on 06/07/2010

"On what grounds though could a judge possibly order a mother to stop breastfeeding? The only grounds I can possibly think of would be to prevent HIV transmission."



It could also be from excessive drug or alcohol abuse .

Amy - posted on 06/06/2010

Ah, I see where you're coming from now. I was prepared to believe that a judge *had* at one stage ordered the cessation of breastfeeding after that poor Peruvian couple had their children removed from their care.

That's an awful situation to be in. It would help if the father of the child was understanding and supportive of breastfeeding, but so often these cases are bitter. My daughter's father and I separated when she was 18 months old. In some respects our own separation was very bitter but I'm fortunate that he saw the value in breastfeeding and didn't have overnight access until she was night-weaned and didn't have full uninterrupted weekends until she was weaned entirely (at 3 1/2). If we could do it, anyone can. It means having to see a lot more of someone who you probably have a lot of built-up resentment towards, but it's all about what's best for the child, isn't it? I think that's the case that should be made to any judge.

Suzette - posted on 06/06/2010

Amy, No problem! I don't think it would be about a judge ordering the mother to stop breast feeding, though many others believe that. If that were the case, then yes it would be about an STD, such as HIV transmission. (I'm not sure about anything else.)



However, the OP is talking about the father getting custody and the judge ordering her to give him that custody. Most likely joint custody where he would get overnights (every other weekend) and visitations where she would have to stop physically breast feeding since she wouldn't be there.



You're right, that's not telling her to stop giving her child breast milk, it just means that she'd have to express milk into bottles instead. Although it's been expressed that doing so would damage the relationship between mother and child and lead to forced weaning as well.

Amy - posted on 06/06/2010

Sorry Suzette, looking at my post it was badly worded. On what grounds though could a judge possibly order a mother to stop breastfeeding? The only grounds I can possibly think of would be to prevent HIV transmission. A judge could rule that the father have greater access and this could be to the detriment of the mother's breastfeeding relationship with her child, but this is not 'telling her to stop breastfeeding her child'.

April - posted on 06/06/2010

basically a judge can pretty much tell you to do whatever he or she wants you to do. a judge is pretty powerful.

i sure hope these judges understand the importance of nursing and that formula is NOT just as good as breastmilk.

i sure hope these judges understand that nursing isn't just about feeding too.

Sherri - posted on 06/06/2010

Well then you could be in contempt of court and risk going to jail what would your baby do then?

Suzette - posted on 06/06/2010

@Amy,



The fact that WHO 'recommends' it doesn't mean that a judge can't rule against it. It's a recommendation, just like doctors recommend that parents don't give their child cows milk before the age of 12 months because of their digestive systems. If it were a rule it would be different.

Amy - posted on 06/06/2010

The World Health Organisation recommends breastfeeding until the age of two or beyond, so a judge can't (or shouldn't) tell a mother to stop breastfeeding.



The judge can rule in favour of the father having increased custody or visitation rights. It's a sad situation all round and one pretty close to my heart.

April - posted on 06/04/2010

if you nursed your child until 3...the OP should have that opportunity too, regardless of joint custody.

by pumping, the mother loses the opportunity to let the child self-wean. pumping would encourage weaning.

an understanding father would not request overnight visits or would try to come to a compromise where the mother stays overnight too. it's only a temporary situation until the child is ready to finish nursing.

Marsha - posted on 05/27/2010

u should be able to nurse him as long as u like but if the judge decides to award joint custody then you would have no choice but not to breast feed ur son on the weekends or times he's with his dad. people in this culture have such a problem with breastfeeding and get really upset when a female does use her breast for what they are intended to be used for. you can continue to nurse him when he is with you and pump when he's not and send the milk to his dad when he is there. ur lawyer may think that it's not ok to breastfeed past a certain age when it doesn't matter. the time to stop is when u r ready to or your child is ready. i breastfed both of mine until they were 3 and then i was ready to stop. i was almost out of milk and both did it more for comfort at night than food value! LOL

Sherri - posted on 05/26/2010

Well if your child is 4 yrs old they don't need it anyways they could visit with dad over the weekend without a problem.

Melissa - posted on 05/26/2010

It's YOUR right to breastfeed and to decide when the time to stop is right....NO ONE should be able to tell you when to stop. If a judge orders you to stop, I would go to the superior court. The only thing I can say is tha if you ar not with the father and he wants overnights, pump your breastmilk into a sippy cup. Bu I feel for you and I feel that it isno one's business if you breast feed and for how ong. We were given breasts for that reason, not for pleasure. There is nothing better than breast milk for a baby. I nursed my son until he was 15 months old, and I will probably breastfeed my next child longer. You do whatYOU feel is right for you child....you know what he needs better than anyone!! Best of luck!!

Jenny - posted on 05/26/2010

Susanne, a situation like the one we are discussing is not about the mother. It is about finding balance with the divided family. You have no right to hold your child from their father because of BF. And yes I realize your ex was not a good example of a father but again, he is not the one being discussed. Your children are not your property. Their father is entitled to custody in normal circumstances, whether you like it or not.

Susanne - posted on 05/26/2010

Sorry but ive spent four years of my life breastfeeding and never pumped a drop, a bottle as never been near any of my childrens lips. I wouldnt start pumping just because a judge told me to.

Sherri - posted on 05/25/2010

Sorry pump and but it in a bottle. Dad has the same rights as you.

Laurel - posted on 05/25/2010

The question was.."can a judge tell me to stop nursing my one year old? and the answer is "Yes". I came across a situation that the judge recommended the mom pump extra,freeze it, and send it along with the child for visits... It still has the all the baby needs, if frozen and defrosted properly. I have breastfed all of my children, but, I will tell you first hand from my own experience as a child not allowed to see my father... I would give up breastfeeding ( or do my best to make it work) than not let baby visit dad whenever he (dad or child) wants...

*Fluffy Bunnies - posted on 05/24/2010

Suzette, my daughter has a great bond with my father. He would be able to put her to sleep if he needed to, but it would be much harder. Her diet is about 75-80% breast milk so me skipping a feeding so Dad could put her to sleep would be like not giving her a meal. No, I don't think that bonds with Dads are the same as bonds with Moms. In most cases children have great bonds with Dad, but they are not the same as bonds with mom. I'm not possessive of my daughter. She gets tons of Daddy time. He helps with our bedtime routine. He just isn't the one who actually nurses her to sleep and lays her down.

*Fluffy Bunnies - posted on 05/24/2010

I went back and looked at the thread hoping for more details...lol. Regardless of what her exact situation was I wouldn't want anyone but myself or my daughter deciding when it's time for us to stop breastfeeding.

Charlie - posted on 05/23/2010

Oh ok : )

Teresa - posted on 05/23/2010

I have no link, but I saw the original post on the Breastfeeding Moms forum and the OP here states the OP over there exactly.... and the woman never came back to respond at all......

Charlie - posted on 05/23/2010

which is why i am debating the reply posts and not specifically the OP .

For all we know she could be a drug abuser hence the custody battle and the lawyer having issues with her BF , its another way it could be taken , pure speculation of course but it would really change the direction of this debate if that were the case , Is there an actual link to this post on COM it would be easier if we could read it ?

Teresa - posted on 05/23/2010

If it isn't fair to comment on their situation than what have we been doing for 2 pages.... ;)



Every single comment on this post is based on mere speculation

Jessie - posted on 05/23/2010

I'm sorry I meant only breastfed for around a month.

Jessie - posted on 05/23/2010

Sara, I haven't read research on this but I saw your post about babies that finish the bottles. My little one ended up being completely breast fed after a month and was always fed with a bottle, we used a pump, Anyway, she rarely finishes her bottle and has always regulated herself. I do know some bottle fed babies that each everything in the bottle and end up throwing it all up. All babies spit up but it is more so then my little girl usually does. It's just odd that some can self regulate more than others. While I know that it can happen more in breast feeding I'm glad mine can do it since it didn't work out for us.

Charlie - posted on 05/23/2010

Teresa , i understand there are exceptions to every rule not all fathers are cut out to be dads just as not all mothers are cut out to be mummies , im sorry your childs father fell into the minority , really i am .
My post was a response in general to the overall feeling of sexism in this thread , and i call it sexism because while you have genuine reasons for feeling the way you do in your personal situation the same cannot be said for all fathers in such a broad blanket statement as the ones i have read here , it just oozes of estrogen fueled exert of power over fathers for the most part , we dont have enough information to really debate the OP , we dont know the situation or the circumstance of which this couple are having a custody battle over so it isnt really fair to comment on their situation .

Karen - posted on 05/23/2010

April - I wasn't blaming anyone, just presenting the other side and asking a question. And the limits on overnight visits is limiting the Dad's time, how would posters respond if the Dad were trying to limit the Mom's time? I don't think that many posters would be reasonable, but it's somehow OK when the Mom is the one making the decision? Doesn't seem fair somehow. Iit seems like a lot of the responses were from a female point of view which is logical since this isn't Circle of Dads, just trying to allow for the fact that Dad should be considered in this equation too as equal to Mom.



While I respect that anyone has the right to parent as they wish as long as its not "illegal, immoral, or fattening" ;-), keep in mind that once the adults involved decide to split up, it ceases to be about your beliefs as a parent and becomes what is best for the child. Attachment may be best, however I think that all possibilities need to be considered equally and objectively. Even though the end result may go against one parent's belief system, if it enables that child to have equal access to both parents then that is what should be the end result. The child did not ask to be in this position, the adults in its life made choices which resulted in this situation, the adults now need to put aside their wants and decide what is best for the child. I'm voting for whatever results in that child being with both parents for as long as possible. Whether that be living with Mom and Dad uses the spare room, living wiht Dad and Mom uses the spare room, Mom and Dad move in to the child's house when it it their custody time, Dad lives upstairs, Mom downstairs, Dad has the child alternating weeks, whatever. But, it can't be about the adults and control, it's what's best for the child. Adults need to be open to the fact that their world view may very well be challenged and they need to be open to change and compromise.

Teresa - posted on 05/23/2010

Well, Loureen... you spend a year and a half BEGGING your ex to come and be a part of his children's lives and him flat out refusing... seeing them less than half a dozen times in that time... and none in the previous 9 months before the court date and then have him walk into the court room asking for full custody to take the children COMPLETELY away from you w/ no intention of mediating or 'working things out'... and then see how you would respond.



Like I said, I could've written the OP. Maybe I'm wrong, but THAT is where all my responses to the post have come from. He wasn't trying to limit my time. He was trying to ELIMINATE it and blame me for HIM not coming to see his kids.



And I gave my ex FAR more credit than he deserved/deserves.

April - posted on 05/23/2010

Karen it sounds like you are blaming the OP when you say "what if Dad were trying to limit mom's time". it is kind of offensive that you are insinuating that breastfeeding is a way to limit Dad's alone time with his child.



i personally do not believe she is trying to limit Dad by not agreeing to overnights. I personally believe this is something that she will be doing for a very short time in her son's life and that one day Dad will have the opportunity to take his son overnight.



there are all different kinds of breastfeeders. some nurse on demand and others nurse on a schedule. some breastfeeders are also co-sleepers, while others wouldn't dream of co-sleeping.



there is also Mother-Initiated Weaning and Child-Led weaning. I personally believe in Child-led weaning and I am GUESSING that the OP does too because of her comment "we should be able to nurse for as long as we want, right?"



By granting overnight visitation to Dad...Mom would not be able to allow her child to self-wean. Self-weaning is not just a method of weaning, but it is a belief system too. We self-weaning moms BELIEVE this is what is best for our children.



there are particular belief systems when it comes to parenting. For example, I consider myself an attachment parent. This means I believe in self- weaning, babywearing, gentle discipline, co-sleeping, and I oppose any kind of sleep training (especially CIO) and support a child's right to use his mother as a pacifer.



Just MAYBE the OP is an attachment parent too. MAYBE she supports her child's right to use her as a pacifier. MAYBE she is a co-sleeping mom too (children co-sleep are more likely to nurse at night).



I know I am only assuming about the OP...but come on...she's not nursing at night just for fun. If you've ever nursed all night long for months on end, you'd know what I'm talking about. In my own case...i haven't had a full night's sleep in 18 months but I get up 5 times a night because I BELIEVE it's the right thing.

Karen - posted on 05/23/2010

Suzette - you've nailed it right on the head. No, I don't have the most easy going of children - ask me sometime about her reaction to switching tables at a funeral luncheon on Friday at the request of my Cousin and the fact that her carefully laid plans to sit with Uncles, Grandpa, Grandma, and us were shot down. However, her bonding with her Dad and other significant adults in her life has been carefully cultivated and nurtured by us and our actions. I realize that I might not always be there and I also realize that some of the adults won't be here for forever, so we intentionally worked to prevent separation anxiety and nurture closeness with a whole circle of people. I am close to my Dad but due to the era I was raised in, where Dads weren't as hands on, I don't have the kind of relationship with him that DD has with DH. However, he has the kind of relationship with DD that DH does and for that I am grateful. My Grandparents weren't really kid people and were from a different era as were my Aunts and Uncles, so the opportunity for the kind of bond to develop was not there either. Watching DD with her Aunts, Uncles, Grandparents, Greats, is wonderful but it's something we all have worked hard to develop and that started with relinquishing control and allowing her to spend as much time, including overnights, from a very young age. Of course, she eats lots of McDonald's and ice cream when she's there... So, the adapting to change thing we're still working on, but as far as staying with other people, that's not an issue. I hope that she remembers these types of role models in her own life and her kids have the same types of blessings.

The type of thing that we've encouraged has also made me a better Mom. I have learned some things from other people (my parents were actually right, don't tell them, though LOL), and I've become closer to my Parents, too. It also allows me to pursue a hobby of over 20 years that is near and dear to my heart and gives me a bit of my own identity which is good for DD to see. I can go away for a weekend once a year, a week every other year, and every Tuesday evening and when I come back I have a bit more patience because I can be just me for a little while. I'm sure that our life would be poorer if I didn't have that outlet (I actually tried it for about 6 months 10 years ago and DH told me to get out of the house and go back to it). This is possible because DH can handle it - heck she spent a weekend sick to her stomach at 9 months and he came through it with flying colors, I think he surprised himself. Of course, she was fine when I got home...

I also wonder what would happen if the shoe were on the other foot in this discussion? If this were an issue of a Dad trying to limit Mom's time, how would people's attitudes be? I think that there would be quite a different approach to it and people would be a lot less reasonable. What's good for the goose...

Suzette - posted on 05/23/2010

Sara,

"Like Teresa said, we can't predict that happening. Karen, it's great that you have such an easy going child that would let anyone comfort her or take care of her. My daughter is not that way. I would leave her with my husband overnight if I absolutely had to."

It's not about Karen having an "easy going child." It's about the fact that her child has been able to develop that sort of bond with the father. (If I'm understanding Karen's posts correctly, if I'm not please correct me Karen, and I apologize ahead of time if I am misunderstanding!)

Sara, I am also by no means implying that your husband doesn't have a bond with your child. I am merely stating that it seems as though you're implying that you don't feel that it's the same type of bond that you have with your child. If you did, you wouldn't have a problem leaving your child overnight with their Dad. Only if you absolutely had to? Why? Shouldn't she feel as comfortable with her father as she does with you? I felt as comfortable with my biological father, until my later years in life, as I did with my mother.

When I was older, about 8 or 9 (I can't recall exact age), I realized that my biological father wasn't the best person in the world and that comfort slipped away. I wanted nothing to do with him and I stopped visitation on my own accord.

As for my step dad (who later adopted my brother and me), we were left alone at night with him when my mother worked nights. We weren't toddlers so the adjustment was harder for us. It took about a week before we were comfortable. However, we became comfortable and we started going to him for comfort more than we went to her, because our relationship with him became what it should be with a Dad. If either of us hadn't been given the opportunity to have that relationship, I can say for certain that both of us would've been greatly hurt. It can be harder for a child who is older to develop that trust, allowing them to develop trust at an early age is easier.

Every child should have a chance to bond with their father. I agree with both Karen and Loureen on this, it saddens me that mothers feel the need to be overly possessive in their roles as mothers. The fathers should be given a chance to develop the same bond that mothers have.

Charlie - posted on 05/23/2010

Sorry but if your child is not easy and wont be comforted by their own father then i think its the attitude of the mothers at fault , not one of you who wouldn't let the child stay with the father have given them as much credit as a father deserves , they are equally important , they are every bit as entitled to be there for their child , they can and do have every bit of a bond when GIVEN THE CHANCE , i find some mothers to be overly possessive of their role , your baby needs cuddles and night feeds GET A PUMP , daddies are totally snugly .

All i hear are a bunch of excuses for mothers to hog the baby and hold on for dear life for as long and as hard as they can so they dont have to share the baby and keep that special little mother / baby bond we all have in the beginning but eventually you have to let the fathers in too .

Teresa - posted on 05/23/2010

I've implied it several times, but just in case anyone has missed it ;) I'm going to flat out say it. If I were to have come to COM looking for advice about a year ago and not given vital personal information.... I could've written the OP word for word..... Probably why I'm assuming things about the OP and siding w/ her pretty much completely.... even though I'm willing to admit that I may be wrong about her situation.... hard to seperate the two for me. ;)

*Fluffy Bunnies - posted on 05/23/2010

I think something happening to mom would be devastating for any child regardless of whether they're breastfeeding or not or their parents are married or divorced. Like Teresa said, we can't predict that happening. Karen, it's great that you have such an easy going child that would let anyone comfort her or take care of her. My daughter is not that way. I would leave her with my husband overnight if I absolutely had to. He does a great job with her and he's a wonderful father. We don't live close to any other relatives so I'm not fortunate enough to have their help. We just visited family and it took my daughter half the trip just to let someone else hold her. I couldn't leave her with one of them. She would be terrified. If my husband and I go divorced I wouldn't want to leave my daughter with him overnight until she was weaned. Divorce is hard enough on children so taking away something else that they're used to having would be awful to them. They need consistency and something that makes them feel comforted and safe more than ever right now. If that happens to be breastfeeding then they should be able to continue to do that. And yes, the adults should be working together a little more to find a good solution that will work for everyone.

Teresa - posted on 05/23/2010

Karen, I was in a custody battle and I felt VERY threatened. That is, unfortunately, the reality in far too many situations. It's hard to do what is in the best interest of the kids w/OUT a 'battle' if only one parent is truly interested in the child's/children's well being. You can't very well force someone else to truly care though, so what do you do? Not fight for your kids and let them be ripped away permanently from the only stability they've ever known? I don't think so.



What if something happened to mom? That is a thought that truly worries me on a very regular basis. I only hope and pray that I don't die til my son turns 18 cuz there's nothing else I can do about it.

Karen - posted on 05/23/2010

I was just rereading the OP's original question and what is said and the words that are used are very telling: "custody battle" and "I'm feeling threatened". Maybe I'm reading too much into this but it seems that the mindset of establishing what's best for the child as being a battle and something threatening is causing the problem. Maybe if the adults involved were to work together and compromise on what is most important, their child's wellbeing rather than a temporary situation, then the question would never have needed to be asked in the first place.

I also find it a bit sad reading how many Moms have posted that there is no way that they would leave their child with Dad or that Dad couldn't comfort their own child. Whatever the reasons that might exist, the fact that Dad can't take care of their child's needs, maybe not in the same way as Mom, I find to be very sad. What if something happened to Mom? It makes me appreciate how good my DD (and I) have it and what a gift we have been given. The fact that Dad, or Grandpa, or her Uncles, or her Godfather could take care of her in a heartbeat and comfort her and have always been able to do so is wonderful. It gives me great hope that the standard that she's witnessed will be what she looks for when she is ready to find a husband. We are truly blessed.

*Fluffy Bunnies - posted on 05/23/2010

I want my child overnight because she would scream her head off all night long if she couldn't nurse to sleep. I don't think Dad could insert that answer.

Jenny - posted on 05/23/2010

*Sigh* Sara, overnights are important for Dad for the SAME reason they are important for Mom. Why do you want your child overnight? Insert identical answer for Dad.

*Fluffy Bunnies - posted on 05/23/2010

So if breastfed babies are better at self regulating the amount they consume and researchers think that this is something that is important to learn in infancy then I would assume (from what this study says) that breastfeeding will not lead to eating disorders, overeating, emotionally eating etc. I think people who have eating disorders or bad eating habits have issues other than being comfort nursed as an infant/toddler (not that I think comfort nursing is an issue). I think after your baby has weaned it's important to continue to teach them good eating habits.

http://www.businessweek.com/lifestyle/co...

http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cg...



Toddlers outgrow the need to comfort nurse and nurse for nutrition. That's what self weaning is. Young babies eat around the clock every couple of hours. They outgrow that need otherwise I'd be stuffing my face all day long.



I do think a relationship with Dad is important, but I also think that breastfeeding is important. I wouldn't leave my daughter with my husband for even one night right now. It just wouldn't work. If we were in this situation he would completely understand. Like April, I do all the night time duty. Not because I'm stealing that time from him, but because my daughter needs to nurse. I don't understand why overnights are so important for this Dad. If the kids asleep (or screaming his head off from being ripped from the breast) then how could they bond much anyway? I would think being together during the day would be much more fun for both of them.

*Fluffy Bunnies - posted on 05/23/2010

I was wondering when eating (or breastfeeding) for comfort would come into play. I just read something that talked about how babies who are breastfed are less likely to finish a bottle or cup of milk if they are full. Babies who are bottle fed were found to always finish the bottle. It concluded that babies who were breastfed were better at self regulating the amount of milk they drank. Off to find it now...

Rosie - posted on 05/23/2010

agree with you a 1000% laura!! very well said!

Suzette - posted on 05/23/2010

April,

The point is not allowing him the chance to be a PC at night as well isn't right. That's why they make things like breast pumps, so mothers can get much needed sleep, work, and so fathers can help and create a bond as well. Yes, there are some who are stay at home mothers who choose not to utilize such equipment and feed on demand with the breast, however, when it comes to the child's best interest, they need both parents, not just one. If breast milk is in the child's best interest, there are other ways to do it than just being attached to the breast itself.

April - posted on 05/23/2010

@Suzette if the OP is worried about overnights because she is still nursing...then she's most likely the primary caregiver...AT LEAST at night, she is.

because i'm nursing my 17 month old at night as well...my husband doesnt get out of bed to take care of him. why would he? i'm already up. I might as well change his diaper too or whatever else he needs besides nursing. That makes me the primary caregiver at night,

Charlie - posted on 05/23/2010

honestly , I read through most of these posts rolling my eyes and sighing until i got to gillians first post and thought hallelujah!!
I completely agree with her post !!

Isobel - posted on 05/22/2010

I'm sorry Lisa, but I have to disagree...I know SEVERAL adults (myself included) who comfort themselves with something tasty all the time. I have NO problem with extended BFing, I think it is very healthy, but I will never agree with food for comfort. period.

And for those who think that "overnights" are something to be earned...I may well be one of the only women on this debate who has ever been on the less than 50% visitation side of a separation (for a year during the court battle) and I would have fought to the death to stop them from taking one of my three nights a week away from me. Putting a child to bed, waking up with them when they have nightmares, changing their diaper, or getting them a bottle...waking up with them in the morning and getting them breakfast...that IS being a parent...you will never convince me otherwise.

The risks of alienating a child from their parent during such an important life stage FAR outweighs any benefits of extended BFing IMHO.