Can a mother be a mother to her child, if the child doesn't live with the mother.

Rosie - posted on 03/06/2010

i agree with jessie, there can be a biological mom and then an actual mom and sometimes they are both.
my sister left her first daughter with a woman ALOT so she could go out and party, sometimes this would be for days. sometimes chiara (my niece) would ask to go over there, and eventually this woman took her away from my sister and has raised her without any financial help from my sister for 10 years now. my sister saw chiara sometimes once a week, sometimes more sometimes less-it's always what was convienent for her. chiara calls my sister mom and always will, and has never (to my knowledge) called kathy (the woman who took her) anything other than kathy.
do i think my sister deserves the title of mom-no, i think kathy does. but chiara will always see her as her mother.
i consider my step father my father, and call him dad without any thought of my bio-dad. my mother and bio-dad divorced when i was 2, and he never looked back. he called once when i was 6, and i picked up the phone. he went on and on about how much he loved me and how special i was, and then asked for Art (my step dad). i yelled "Daaaaaad, Phoooone!!!" toward the living room, and my bio-dad went ballistic. screaming at me "he is NOT your father, i am and don't you ever forget that!!!" i didn't say anything back, but obviously at 6 i knew who was worth calling dad, and it sure as hell wasn't the POS that brought me into the world, it was the man taking care of me since i was 3.

Jessie - posted on 03/05/2010

I think that there can be a biological mom and then an actual mom. Sometimes they are the same person and sometimes not. My half brother feels his real mom is my mom, but he has a biological mother and he calls her mom but it isn't the same. She was selfish and still is to this day. When they got divorced she used him as a pawn until when he was 10 and after he had visited my family (I have another brother) he couldn't stop talking about how great it was with us that being the smart marture woman she was she said "well if you like it so much why don't you just go live there" and he did, the only time she wanted him back was when my dad filed for full custody a year after he had been living with us. Pretty sure it's b/c she didn't want to pay child support. My family won, and eventually she quite calling, didn't send b-day cards and when he joined the military and went on two tours to Iraq had no clue if he made it back safely. This year she actually thought he was two years younger than he was, he is 28. So you can call her his mother but she isn't in any way but biological which in this case isn't endearing.

Christy - posted on 03/04/2010

i think that it's not so much of a physical parenting thing as it is a mental/emotional thing that makes someone a mom. i know a woman who has 2 daughters, one who lives with her and one who lives with the woman's mother. she doesn't bother to call or visit the daughter who lives away from her, or at least she didn't until her mom decided to get child support from her. now she sees her 2 hours a day 1 day a week and tells everyone how much she loves this little girl and how much she wants her back. they have been in court and told what needs to be done to get the little girl back but she won't straighten up and do any of it. she's no more of a mother to the one that lives with her either. she has no job yet she won't spend time playing with her daughter. she and her husband fight constantly about who has to care for the baby (she's 19 months old) because they are both too self absorbed to bother. so really, it doesn't matter if a child lives with the "mother" or not, the amount of effort that goes into being a parent is what matters.

Erin - posted on 03/04/2010

I think as long as they follow the parenting plan set by the court, or something similar (ie. regular/consistant contact) then yes they're still mom.



I think if for whatever reason mom ditches for some time then decides to come back & is given the opprotunity 2 try again that she is still mom...if the visitation is inconsistant the child will pick up on it and will call the offending parent what they choose when they are of a mind to do so...when you're talking about young children it is simply more conveinent to call them mom even if they don't quite fulfill that role.

Alison - posted on 03/04/2010

I think they can in most cases. There might be many valid reasons why a child doesn't live with their mother. There might even be reasons why it's not desirable for a child to be with their mother, but it doesn't mean that the mother should be prevented from having a relastionship with her children (providing she does not behave in such a way that she would place the children in immediate danger of course). And she should always have some imput into the important aspects of the childs upbringing.

The only time when I think it's always wrong for a mother to be a mother is when the children have been legally adopted by a new family and the children are still children. It should also be prohibited if the child has been so badly abused that any kind of contact with the mother would constitute futher emotional abuse.

Except for in extreme cases, I would say that a mother can still be a mother to her children in some capacity even if she isn't raising them.

Heather - posted on 03/04/2010

Yes I think a mom can be a mom if the child dosent live with her...I have known a few woman who have lost custody of their children for various reasons, and were still good mothers to their children, even though they lived with their dad. Some bio moms choose to walk away and have little to do with their children and I dont understand how a mother can do that, but it happens, and I think it is so sad for the children involved.

Jennifer - posted on 03/04/2010

Yes if the mother keeps in regular contact. My dad left my mam for another woman and they soon after divorced (I was 13). We live in The North East of England and my dad lives in the West Midlands but he always makes an effort to come and visit us every month. He's my dad and always will be whether he lives on Earth or Mars.

Kerrie - posted on 03/04/2010

(Don't know how to quote so I'm copying and pasting)

Lyndsay: They all talk about their kids who they see maybe once a month as if they love them to pieces and the social service agencies are just power hungry lunatics snatching kids from safe and nurturing homes. And I'm like... really? Like you could have your kid back if you just did what they want... you know, like stop getting drunk every night and maybe clean your house.



My fiance knows a girl just like this. Her daughter is about 2 years old now and her mother (baby's grandmother) has custody of her daughter because when her and her mom got into a fight (over a new boyfriend wanting to spend the night and her mom saying no) she got pissed and moved out and in with her dad (who lives across town) and left her daughter at her mother's house! She didn't bother to call or visit for months and when she finally did she was there for a couple hours and left to go out partying, which she did all the time even when she was living with her mom, so her mom was always watching the baby anyways. But she tries to convince everyone that her mom is horrible and stole her kid from her, and that she's the best mom ever and yet she still only goes and visits her daughter once a month or so. And on her FB page she's talking about how much she loves her daughter and blah blah blah and I want so badly to comment and say something like well, if you love your daughter so much maybe you should go over and visit her once in a while instead of going out and screwing a different guy everynight and not having time for her.

Sorry for the rant, but I've been bottling it up for a while and just needed to let it out. Thanks for reading :)

Lyndsay - posted on 03/03/2010

I really could go off for hours about this. I ran away from home when I was 16 and was a "street kid" for awhile, until I got pregnant at 18 and decided to pull up my socks. I know A LOT of people who have been pregnant and I'd say about 25% of them actually have custody of their kids. They all talk about their kids who they see maybe once a month as if they love them to pieces and the social service agencies are just power hungry lunatics snatching kids from safe and nurturing homes. And I'm like... really? Like you could have your kid back if you just did what they want... you know, like stop getting drunk every night and maybe clean your house.

Right now I work in two staff supplemented foster homes, one with boys and one with girls. Most of the mothers want nothing to do with their kids, or their perfectly happy to have someone else taking care of them so they don't have to be bothered. But when it comes down to it they still pull the "I am your mother!" card. Well, to me, I really don't think you are. I think their mother is their foster mother, who feeds them and clothes them and attempts to teach them respect and responsibility.

Teresa - posted on 01/29/2010

Depends on the situation. I can guarantee if the courts had been stupid enough to give my ex full custody... I would still very much be their mother... Calling every day, visiting as much as I could afford, sending them cards/letters/etc.... Luckily, the courts didn't do that and realized that the kids belonged w/ the one who has been there for them constantly since the day they were born... NOT w/ the man who walked out of the hospital the day after his son was born and pretty much didn't look back for a year and a half (til he tried to get custody). He will always be their father and he is involved 'somewhat' now, but I do not consider him their dad (though I'd never put it like that to them). He is NOT a parent to them and that was HIS choice when he decided to move away (can only get to us by plane) and live w/ his girlfriend and her two kids instead of just leaving me and staying close enough to where he could actually be a REAL part of their lives.

Tonya - posted on 01/29/2010

My situation is a little different--I have raised a little girl since birth and did every thing to involve her mother as the state would allow--but in her visits with her she did nothing for the child, feed her change her diaper or anything--so to me that is not a mother--but I get the deal of well "her real mom" this and that from people who do not know the situation--and it hurts as I am the would who has been there every day with the 1st everything, to the sickness, her ear tube insertion, the good times ,the late nights when she does not want to sleep,etc. and to me that is the "Real mom" so Meghan I completely understand your situation hang in their the true colors always come out!

Meghan - posted on 11/27/2009

Quoting Laura:

Quoting Meghan:

I think if you are a mom who has a legit reason to be away from your kids then yes you are still able to be a "mom" in cases such as serious illness or military deployment...many people chastised me because I put something that not many people would say...

In my situation I would have to say that my SD (step-daughter's) Bio-Mom is not her mother...Bio-mom left when SD was 4 months old to marry a man she knew for only 3 months and decided to move with him from our home state of KS to VA (that's 2000 miles away people) not once in 14 1/2 months did Bio Mom come home to see my SD...now she is home after she missed all of her daughters "firsts" (steps, words, BIRTHDAY) and the courts have allowed her to get her daughter every other weekend from Friday to Sunday, and we are "lucky" to have her pick her up for visitation about one weekend every 6 weeks or so...and she wonders why she calls me mom and cries so much when we leave to drop her off with Bio mom...so in my experience no she is not the mother...Just because you give birth to a child does not make you its mother in this situation.

Does this mean half of the fathers out there aren't really dads?  My boyfriend, who lives with me and my children is raising them on a daily basis, would love to be my kids' "Dad"...Unfortunately he's not.  Their "Dad" is the guy that comes to see them every other weekend.  It's sad, but it's the truth.

This woman has missed a lot but it sounds like she's trying to do what she can now to make up for it.  Maybe there is room for two "Moms".

 

 

I think she really just missed out on everything...you cant get those memories back...but like I said before there are situations that can not be avoided...this one could have been...she is just selfish...on her weekends she sends her home in clothes that are a year to young for her and in diapers that are her other daughters size (2) when she really wears a 5...while she is wearing top of the line clothes purses and accessories and talking on the latest cell phone...this is just unacceptable to me...to be a parent means to make sacrifices...heck I still wear jeans that I bought in high school...she is selfish and only thinks of herself...the only reason she is "Trying to make an effort" is because she is in jeopardy of loosing her son to his Bio father so the court system is watching her and her relationship with her other 2 children very closely...im sure once this blows over it will go back to normal and only getting her when it is conveniante for her...

Amie - posted on 11/26/2009

It can be done but as Kimberly said it needs to be judged on a case by case basis. Some mothers really do not deserve the title of mom. Just as some fathers don't deserve the title of dad. There is a difference in my mind. Anyone can be a mother or father, that's just biology, it takes someone special to be a mom or dad.

Even at that there are some who live with and take care of their child full time but shouldn't be called mom. Some people should just never have children period. The one blessing I can think of for those dead beats is that if they do leave they are doing their child a favor. No child should have to grow up in a home where they are not loved and put first. Being a parent is a selfless job. Some people really can not handle the strain it puts on themselves and their relationships.

So long as the parent in question is still taking an active role in the child's life then I do think they still deserve the title. If however, as some have stated, they lapse and just high tail it out of there to only come back later; the mom title needs to be earned back. Not by any of the adults involved but by the child. When they are comfortable and trust their parent again they will start calling them mom or dad.

Kimberly - posted on 11/24/2009

What I made very clear was no one in no situation gets a free pass. I stated that it is case by case and was making the point that a "certain situation" doesn't get you off from being a parent. And for the record..I was a friend of this woman and she left her husband (never said divorced, cheating suited her) because her fake breasts gave her just enough to be a trophy girlfriend. Now that he is taking care of her cheating self once again and she has seen the light...she is more than honest that she left him after beating breast cancer because she felt that she cheated death and wasn't about to waste her life on a man and kid. I never said that a woman is not a mother because she leaves for this reason or that...I said they don't get a pass. Nor did I say that making one mistake nullifies your right to be considered a real mother. I think I was pretty clear on those specific situations. My point was you can't generalize situations that make it "okay". Shallow thinking??? Well, I suppose if thinking that no child asks to be born and its not okay to abandon them to go chase your dreams or your dream man...well then I'll take that one for the team. Its kind of funny though...I used very specific, drastic examples...not as if I said if you wear white after Labor Day then you're not a "real mother".

Isobel - posted on 11/24/2009

Because one idiot got implants and left her husband (I doubt that was the real cause of the divorce by the way) no other woman gets a pass to be away from her child to fight a life threatening disease?...there are no words for how shallow and judgemental this line of thinking is. It must be nice to never have made a single mistake ladies, I sure hope someone isn't sitting around thinking that the one mistake you've made in your life nullifies your right to be a "real mother"

Kimberly - posted on 11/24/2009

Case by case. I've seen a few mothers put a "man" first either because he didn't like her kids personally or the responsibility that comes with children. I've seem mothers who left their kids simply because they don't like their father. Is that a mother??? Of course not. Career choices...depends really. I don't give a pass to all career choices...even military. Before I upset military moms let me clarify, because its not all military moms I'm speaking of (personally I am a child of a vet and understand the benefits it provides for your family; whether its the dad or mom). I've met mothers that have literally had children for the financial benefit (in the military). I've met mothers who will bluntly state that their child was not expected or wanted and see their child as a thorn in their side and a road block in their career. I don't even give a pass to mothers fighting for their life against disease. I know, whoa!, huh? I say that because I know a mother who beat breast cancer by having her breast removed...her husband and child were there for her...she later got implants and left her child for a man who was impressed by her new breasts. She left the country her child was in following this man (her breast cancer returned and he left her immediately upon diagnosis). So I really have to say its a case by case situation. No one gets a pass because of career or a foul card dealt to them, it would have to boil down to whats truly best for the child.

Isobel - posted on 11/23/2009

Quoting Meghan:

I think if you are a mom who has a legit reason to be away from your kids then yes you are still able to be a "mom" in cases such as serious illness or military deployment...many people chastised me because I put something that not many people would say...

In my situation I would have to say that my SD (step-daughter's) Bio-Mom is not her mother...Bio-mom left when SD was 4 months old to marry a man she knew for only 3 months and decided to move with him from our home state of KS to VA (that's 2000 miles away people) not once in 14 1/2 months did Bio Mom come home to see my SD...now she is home after she missed all of her daughters "firsts" (steps, words, BIRTHDAY) and the courts have allowed her to get her daughter every other weekend from Friday to Sunday, and we are "lucky" to have her pick her up for visitation about one weekend every 6 weeks or so...and she wonders why she calls me mom and cries so much when we leave to drop her off with Bio mom...so in my experience no she is not the mother...Just because you give birth to a child does not make you its mother in this situation.

Does this mean half of the fathers out there aren't really dads?  My boyfriend, who lives with me and my children is raising them on a daily basis, would love to be my kids' "Dad"...Unfortunately he's not.  Their "Dad" is the guy that comes to see them every other weekend.  It's sad, but it's the truth.

This woman has missed a lot but it sounds like she's trying to do what she can now to make up for it.  Maybe there is room for two "Moms".

Chrystal - posted on 11/22/2009

I think that in some cases yes. But it depends on the moms efforts. If the mom does everything she possibly can in the time she is allowed the child will see that and acknowledge the mom. However if the mom doesn't make the effort and works hard to make and keep the connection then the child will most likely relate a step mom who is there going the hard work and caring for the child as mom.

Jodie - posted on 11/19/2009

depends on the situation i think a mother is a mother no matter what but its how they partake in the job of mother...... ill explain my situation and this is NO mother here so my SIL has twins and her mother is raising them because she is so into herself and her boyfriend (whoisnt the childrens father) she calls her mother everyday to talk about what she has done never asks about her children doesnt care to know what they have been doing or anything now granted no one wants this girl to have these children because of the fact that she doesnt care about anyone but herself but my poor mil is so worn out and tired she cant get anything done this being said that is no mother but if someone has children and they dont live with them as long as they call and check on them and pop into visit every now and then and the children know who thier mother is YES they are still considered a mother thanks for reading my ranting lol

*Fluffy Bunnies - posted on 11/19/2009

I think it does depend on the situation. If parents are divorced, but the mom still sees the child a lot and participates in events in their life then yes, they are still the mom. In your situation, Meghan, it sounds like you are the Mom of your SD. If a child was adopted then they would probably consider the woman that adopted them their mom, not the woman that gave birth to them.

Meghan - posted on 11/19/2009

I think if you are a mom who has a legit reason to be away from your kids then yes you are still able to be a "mom" in cases such as serious illness or military deployment...many people chastised me because I put something that not many people would say...



In my situation I would have to say that my SD (step-daughter's) Bio-Mom is not her mother...Bio-mom left when SD was 4 months old to marry a man she knew for only 3 months and decided to move with him from our home state of KS to VA (that's 2000 miles away people) not once in 14 1/2 months did Bio Mom come home to see my SD...now she is home after she missed all of her daughters "firsts" (steps, words, BIRTHDAY) and the courts have allowed her to get her daughter every other weekend from Friday to Sunday, and we are "lucky" to have her pick her up for visitation about one weekend every 6 weeks or so...and she wonders why she calls me mom and cries so much when we leave to drop her off with Bio mom...so in my experience no she is not the mother...Just because you give birth to a child does not make you its mother in this situation.