Can breastfeeding hurt your marriage?

[deleted account] ( 193 moms have responded )

I'm not looking for a breastfeeding debate (it's been done to death around here :)). I'm more interested in your opinion on this guy's view of women and our bodies in general and if you think that breastfeeding has had a negative impact on your relationship with your significant other. Here's his article claiming that breastfeeding and putting your child's need's over your grown husband's will destroy your marriage:
http://www.beliefnet.com/Love-Family/Rel...


This is a response to this article by a breastfeeding advocate.
http://www.breastfeedingmomsunite.com/20...

If you're breastfeeding has it hurt your marriage or your relationship with your partner?

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Alison - posted on 06/07/2010

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What is unfair in the article is taking an example of a women who puts breastfeeding ahead of all else. I am assuming that most of us are not depriving our husbands of sex and kicking them out of our beds or passing on date nights.



However, as women, I believe our instinct is to sacrifice everything for our children and we assume that our husbands should be thrilled, but most often they are not. We need to remember that nourishing our marriage is part of nourishing our children.

[deleted account]

I might be wrong, but I think Carol is looking at it from a personal view (going by her first sentence) like the rest of us are. It's hard to look at it any other way although many of you have brought up several valid points. When I first read this story I had visions of my husband demanding I stop because it's icky or because he wants my breasts to himself (or something like that). I think a lot of us women feel this way because that's how society makes us feel (women being thrown out of public places, shamed, told they're "abusing" their children by nursing). I don't think breastfeeding mommies think about the husband who might have good intentions when he approaches his wife about weaning. I don't know how to put into words how I feel about my breastfeeding relationship. It's amazing to say the least. I love every second of it. I think it's scary for us to think about having someone else make the decision to wean. So add all of that together and we get a little emotional on these breastfeeding topics :)

Nicole - posted on 06/10/2010

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Oh gracious!!! Many of you are missing what has bothered Sara about Rabbi Schmuley's article. (And frankly what bothered me!) He only used that woman as an example to defend the total anti-woman, anti-feminine, anti-mother genre of his writing!

He was very clear in his writing that he felt a woman's body should be her husband's first and no one else's. Not her child's, not hers! And I quote: "breastfeeding had turned one of her most attractive body parts into a feeding station, an attractive cafeteria rather than a scintillating piece of flesh", "But when a mother gives her breasts to her son and takes them away from her husband", "When a husband ceases to see his wife as a woman, and begins to see her as 'the mother of his children,' a negative trend has begun in his mind that can only subvert his erotic interest.", "that is just too erotic a part of a wife's anatomy for it to become a mere birth canal."

First of all, MY breasts belong to me, therefore, I am not taking them AWAY from my husband. It is MY decision to SHARE them with my husband to start with! Second, if becoming a mother (or my husband witnessing me becoming a mother) makes him less attracted to me, then we had problems BEFORE giving birth and breastfeeding came into the picture!

Again he used a bad example to explain away his ridiculous beliefs! That marriage had other problems! I love my husband AND my children, therefore, I make time for all of them! And IF I happen to be too tired every now and then to give him that time, he is man enough to know that I will make it up to him!

I don't blame my husband for being attracted to my breasts, I find it quite flattering that my husband is sexually attracted to my body, but they still belong to ME and he knows that and respects that. And I am SO sorry if there are women out there who have to put up with husbands that will not respect that, but should we have public figures like this IDIOT condoning such anti-feminine behavior???

I am so disappointed to see *women* taking up for the things said by this man, no matter how negligent that woman was in her marriage! It does not give Mr. Rabbi the right to say the horrendous things he said!!! Not about breastfeeding but about women's bodies!

Charlie - posted on 06/09/2010

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A vagina is sexual but its also the birth canal , so yeah i get what your saying about multi functioning in regards to the breast although i do think a grown mature man could tell the difference between the sexual breast and the nurturing breast ,

This sounds like more than just a breastfeeding issue .
I do think that many women can lose sight of their relationship , the one in which produced a child out of love , and can ignore the man leaving him most probably feeling a little resentful , i think its important to maintain a solid bond between man and woman as well as parent and child , its harder work once a child comes but thats just how it is , i know i have made a conscious effort to make sure our relationship is as fresh and solid as it was before kids as well keeping a strong bond with our child , in the end its made us a very solid parenting team who support each other the whole way because no one is losing out and Cooper gets the best of both of us plus he gets to watch how a relationship should be , with mummy and daddy supporting each other through everything including breastfeeding .

The people who forgo their entire relationship are the ones who get to the point where their kids move out and start their own lives and the parents are left sitting there wondering who this person is they once loved , sad really and thats if they make it that far in the first place .

Its all about balance .

Isobel - posted on 06/09/2010

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see, that's just it...YOU are capable of having it both ways...not everybody is. I've read several comments on this thread that say "the man should just suck it up and deal with it" well...happy marriage to you (my ex husband was never able to look at me the same way again after seeing a baby come out...he never much complained, but we both knew).

I think that making sure that your marriage is more important to the welfare of the child than breastfeeding. And let me say that I breast fed my children...I totally agree with extended BF and all that jazz...I'm just saying that it's not the ONLY important thing to that child.

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193 Comments

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Susan - posted on 08/06/2011

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My husband has been very pro-breastfeeding, defending my choice to nurse our first son to age 3. It has been a big plus for our relationship.

Nicole - posted on 06/25/2010

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Hear hear! It is my choice to continue to breastfeed, just as it is another's choice to stop or never start. We have just gotten so used people other than the mother being able to feed babies since formula is so popular, but before that, dads (and other family) were unable to feed babies (unless the other family member was a wet-nurse). That's why I am a STRONG believer that feeding a baby is not the ONLY way to bond with a baby. Just because I am breastfeeding does not mean that I am taking crucial bonding time away from my husband. My husband is very bonded to all four of my children (and my first child is not even his). As a matter of fact, I was always the "feeder" and he was always the "burper" and "comforter". We're both the "diaper changer", but I do that more than he does. Dang it! LOL

Yes, Sara is right, we are just seeing it from the point of view that if OUR husbands wanted us to stop breastfeeding, we would be upset and, while he would be happy if we stopped, we (and likely our babies, too) would not. And that would create further tension in the marriage. Therefore, I would think that MY (not anyone else's) husband to be a selfish jerk if that were the case.

Ramona - posted on 06/25/2010

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Except that wasn't what anyone on here was saying. What we are saying is that a woman should be able to do with her body as she chooses and what she feels is best for her child, and her husband should respect that until he can anatomically feed his child. If you chose to go with formula, that was your choice and nobody here has said there was anything wrong with that!

[deleted account]

Lol, we're going in circles! I think that my husband's feelings are important. I would never say "screw you I do what I want." If I stopped now because he wanted me to I would feel angry. It wouldn't be beneficial to our relationship. If a woman decided she was ok with stopping then great for her. We had a conversation about weaning. I originally only planned on nursing a year. About 6 months into it I felt differently. I told him my feelings and reasons why I wanted to continue and he was ok with it. (Yes, I understand not every man would be). We went to the store the other day and I told him I was wearing a regular bra for the first time in 13 months. He was shocked and almost worried, "why aren't you wearing a nursing bra?!?!" It was cute. I said because we were only going out for a little bit and she won't need to nurse while we're gone. I'm going to add that my husband and I are very supportive of each other. I supported him when he got a job offer 1200 miles away from where we grew up. We left our family and friends so that he could pursue the career he dreamed of having. I really didn't want to move, but I was not about to hold him back from something he wanted. So no, I don't disregard his feelings. He's always involved in every decision with our daughter. He's always supported me when it comes to breastfeeding because he knows how important it is to me. Don't assume that just because a women would continue nursing in this situation that she doesn't give a shit about her husband or his feelings. You don't have to feel sorry for him because he's not ignored :)



Anyways, I do acknowledge that some men and women have issues with breastfeeding. I think everyone should do what they feel is right for their family. Can't you respect a woman who would continue nursing in these situations just as we would support women who choose to stop? I feel like most of the comments were taken WAY out of context here and turned into a we "the breastfeeders" hate all who don't breastfeed. We (in general) were never talking about that. As I said before most of these moms were picturing their hubbies ripping their babes off their breasts which is why they reacted the way they reacted IMO (not because they think if you don't breastfeed you're an asshole, douchebag, jerk, etc. The douchebag, jerks, etc. were their hubbies in this hypothetical situation).



I'm also going to add that I understand that YOU were never talking about ME and in that same way I was never talking about YOU. I gave an example from my personal life just to show that I do care about my husbands feelings because it has been said several times that I don't (or that women who would continue to nurse don't). We're pretty much saying the same thing: people should do what's best for their families. For some that's weaning (or not breastfeeding at all) and for others that's continuing to nurse. Both sides of this argument are taking comments so far out of context that it's become the breastfeeding debate that I didn't want it to become.

Rosie - posted on 06/25/2010

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i feel the same way about breastfeeding as some of the men that you would call douchbags or assholes. so basically it makes me feel like you think i'm a douchebag or an asshole for not breastfeeding my kids.

the whole way people are going about promoting breastfeeding is a HUGE part of the reason why i absolutely hated it. i didn't get it, it hurt, it interfered with sex (ahhhh, gasp!!), and i felt my son was starving. so even with all these feelings that i had that are perfectly NORMAL, i was told how i can and cannot feel (just like nobody should tell a man in this situation how to feel either) or else i'm a douchebag, unnatural, selfish asshole who doesn't put her kid first. it made breastfeeding even MORE difficult for me. i've come to a point a little while after my failed breastfeeding where i realized that breastfeeding isn't best for MY family. everybody was much happier with a bottle, and guess what? all 3 of my boys are happy healthy little boys.

i feel a person who has these feelings, man or woman, should be taken seriously. one other thing i don't get or understand is how many people here seem to think that the child is just theirs to make decisions with. with out the man that child wouldn't exist, i don't understand how his feelings about HIS child shouldn't matter.

Isobel - posted on 06/25/2010

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yes...and that PEOPLE who have breastfeeding issues are not assholes...I don't see any difference between husband and wife in that matter.

[deleted account]

I'm a little lost. Who said mothers who don't want to breastfeed are lazy, douchebags, jerks, etc? I thought people were referring to the husbands that are "forcing" (in their opinions) their wives to stop breastfeeding. Laura, I thought you were trying to point out that husband's might be well intentioned and that's why they shouldn't be called such names.

Nicole - posted on 06/24/2010

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While I do not support the "douchbag", and the like, comments, I do know that no one was calling formula feeding moms these names. Unless I missed something, but everywhere that I read those names being called, it was in reference to a man who felt that he had control over his wife's body and felt that his needs were more important than his wife's and child's, not at anyone who had psychological feelings about breastfeeding. And, yes, I would call those men "selfish", but a woman who does not, can not, stops, does not succeed, or hates breastfeeding is not selfish, a douchbag, a jerk, etc. Most formula feeding moms out there are just trying to do the best they can with knowledge they have at the time or whatever is best for their families (just like the breastfeeding ones). There is nothing wrong with that! Sara said it in her OP, and I think all the breastfeeding advocates can agree, this is not a breast vs formula debate, it is a debate about a woman having the choice to do what she chooses with her body.

Isobel - posted on 06/24/2010

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This thread is not about breastfeeding to me...I think everybody knows it is best...the only point that I have been trying to get across is that some people have real issues with breastfeeding and should not be made to feel like shit for it. If you read the entire thread...you were just the final straw on the camel's back with the name calling.

I do believe that the name calling (throughout the entire thread) is indicative of the way that formula feeding mothers are treated in general. I know women who feel EXACTLY this way, and it hurts my heart to know that while trying to do good, many advocates are actually steering women away.

Johnny - posted on 06/24/2010

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I am not really sure why you think that I wish to ostracize mothers who use formula or make them feel sub-human. I formula fed until my daughter started solids. I was that one mom in the room who was using a bottle while everyone else breast fed.

Did you happen to read the final part of my post, "I actually really get bothered reading posts on here from women who desperately do not want to breastfeed and are being pressured to do so by their spouse. The same principal applies. The mother has the right to make her own choices about her own body."? It seems like this thread has become just another debate about breastfeeding, when the real problem here is a woman's right to do what she wishes with her own body. Be that breastfeed or bottle feed.

AND I never said that women who don't breastfeed are selfish, lazy, or jerks. I said that a man who would control his spouse's own body and try to force her to make a choice against her own will is a jerk. There is a HUGE difference between those two things.

I see no problem with being PRO breastfeeding. It is possible to promote one thing without instilling shame on the other. I am PRO gay marriage, which in no way means I am against straight marriage. I think the idea that simply believing that breastfeeding is the best way to feed an infant means that I am trying to shame women in order to make myself feel better, is faulty logic. It is like saying that by suggesting eating peanut butter instead of marsmallow spread is better for you nutritionally, one is trying to shame marshmallow spread eaters. What is wrong with supporting the healthiest way? One can still recognize that there are a heck of a lot of people out there who just can't eat peanuts. I don't feel shame for formula feeding. It was the right choice for us.

Isobel - posted on 06/24/2010

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My only point Carol, and everybody else, is that there must be a way to make women feel confident and happy about breastfeeding without making women who don't (for ANY reason) feel sub-human.

I took it personally, because this entire debate has been nothing but a hate filled nasty name calling session...let's see now...people who don't breastfeed (either because they hate it, for the sake of the marriage if their husband hates it, whatever) are...selfish, lazy, douchebags, jerks, and on and on.

You can claim to be PRO breastfeeding all you like, but when you use terminology like that without even a thought (and I note there has not been ONE person, aside from Sara who has admitted that such terminology is inappropriate) You are only serving to widen the gap between mothers. Making one woman to feel shame in order for you to feel better about yourself.

Another thing that I realize may affect this argument, and the way I see it verses the way that you ladies seem to is that where I live EVERYBODY breastfeeds. There are signs in EVERY window that denote businesses as safe places for breastfeeding. I breastfed in front of my step-dad, my brother...and anybody else...because it is not marginalized here. Where I am, it is the formula feeding mothers who are pushed into a closet and made to feel ashamed...and while you may say "Breastfeeding mothers should not be ostracized"...neither should anybody else.

Rosie - posted on 06/24/2010

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can i ask if you guys would still feel the same if it wasn't a sexual thing? what if the father genuinely wanted to feed his child (and yes feeding from a bottle is great for bonding as well), and doesn't like seeing his wife so tired and wants to help her out. she can still pump, right?

Johnny - posted on 06/24/2010

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Thank you Sara, that is exactly what I am saying. I have no idea why you took personal offense to it Laura.

This is really, to me, not just about breastfeeding. I would feel that way towards a man who loved plus sized women and insisted that his wife carry extra weight despite potential health problems and her own desire to get in shape. It is the same idea. A woman is wanting to do what she feels is best for her body and her husband is trying to stop her. I am all for compromises, but we should never be forced to compromise our own bodies. Any man who tries to pressure his wife to use her body specifically for his needs IMO is a selfish jerk. We wouldn't let him off so lightly if this wasn't a breastfeeding issue.

I do think she could have compromised on the sleeping and time issues. Every man (and woman) deserves the attention and care of their spouse. If he wasn't getting what he needed, then she really should take more care to attend to his desire for her. But to pressure her to do something that she feels so negatively about simply for his own needs, I do not feel that I need to support that.



I actually don't love nursing. I've never really enjoyed it all that much. And my husband has encouraged me to wean because of that. He sees that I don't enjoy it and he wants me to be happy. He isn't thrilled that I haven't weaned completely, since he does not like seeing me less than happy. I continue to nurse only because it is working for ME and my daughter at this point and time. That time will soon end and you'd better bet I'd be pretty mad at my spouse if he tried to pressure me to keep going.

I actually really get bothered reading posts on here from women who desperately do not want to breastfeed and are being pressured to do so by their spouse. The same principal applies. The mother has the right to make her own choices about her own body. So think what you like about breastfeeding advocates, but to me, this is a personal autonomy issue, not simply another breastfeeding debate.

Nicole - posted on 06/24/2010

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Laura, I don't think I ever said anything that was not compassionate to a woman in this particular situation. I don't know how I gave you that impression. I felt that I have made it clear in my posts that I have less compassion (or maybe none at all) with a man who wants to force his feelings/insecurities/sexual needs/possessiveness over her body onto his wife. I have ONLY been supporting the breastfeeding woman. I thought this whole time that you were upset that I was not being compassionate to her husband. Wow, then I have typed a lot in this debate for noting!

Let me be clear: *I feel sorry for the woman who is not getting support from her husband/has a husband who has a problem with breastfeeding. That must be very tough on her. If she has a strong desire to continue breastfeeding while making her husband feel better, I always recommend for her to be compassionate to her husband and educating him on why it is very beneficial to continue breastfeeding and why it is important to her and his child that they continue and that she should do as much as she can to reassure him that she loves him, is sexually attracted to him and that she wants to make time for him.
*I do not, however, feel sorry for the husband who just wants breastfeeding out of the picture because he has some kind of claim on his wife's breasts.
*And I do not support a woman using breastfeeding as an excuse to withhold sex from her husband or to have total control of her husband/child/sex/etc. I think this woman has other issues in which she using breastfeeding to manifest.

Isobel - posted on 06/24/2010

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I must admit Carol, the name-calling from you surprises me. It is because of respect for you that I remain civil in these debates. Not everybody with breastfeeding issues is a selfish jerk.

I think that kind of attitude gives all breast-feeding advocates a bad name.

Johnny - posted on 06/24/2010

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Just for me personally, not in regards to anyone else. If it turned out I had married such a selfish jackass, I'd probably just keep doing what I knew to be right. If he's going to be that much of a jerk about something like breastfeeding, I can only imagine the other crap he's going to pull. I'd rather be a good positive person (breastfeeding or not) than married to a man who was so incredibly selfish and didn't care much about his wife's and baby's happiness. I think THAT would make me a better mother to my children. I know that if I felt sublimated and treated like a chattel, my low self-esteem, self-hatred and misery would be passed to my children.

I do agree thought that some women breastfeed or continue to breastfeed for selfish reasons. My bestfriend's SIL's marriage is on the rocks over the fact that she is still breastfeeding her 6 year old. She gives the kid a time-out if he refuses to nurse. So though I may be very pro-lactation, sometimes there are people who take a good thing & besmirch it.

Isobel - posted on 06/24/2010

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I know that my children would prefer to be from a healthy, happy family than be breastfed for an extra year...maybe your child would be different...AGAIN let me explain that I am not discussing your personal position, since you probably have a healthy relationship with your family and breastfeeding...I am discussing the vilification of those who don't.

Isobel - posted on 06/24/2010

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can you read??? She just said that it is selfish to continue to breastfeed if you are depressed and unable to form a bond because of your breastfeeding issues...or are you talking about me...cause I don't think it's selfish to ignore your husband...just stupid.

Ramona - posted on 06/24/2010

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How is breastfeeding selfish? I fail to undestand how those two things can possibly be connected. If you chose not to breastfeed or to stop and it is a decision you came to yourself, fine, but don't tell me (me in general, not just me personally) that I'm being selfish in my relationship because I am placing my child's NEEDS above my partners WANTS. That is what a mother does! I feel bad for a woman whose husband is so insecure that he takes the joy of that gift from her so that he can have her all to himself. I'm sorry, but if it makes me selfish to refuse his request, then I guess I am!

Rosie - posted on 06/24/2010

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i think the thing that gets me the most about this, is that while i was breastfeeding, i felt the way that the hypothetical "douchebag" or "self centered bastard" does, and that i should just get over it and continue to be miserable, but by golly i'd be giving my kid breastmilk. who cares about sanity, or a bond? or a relationship with my spouse?

people have feelings and to dismiss them because of your desire to breastfeed is SELFISH as well. hence, compromise. the backbone to ANY problem in a relationship.

Isobel - posted on 06/24/2010

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the caps thing is always just for emphasis...I really wish they would give us some options like bold or italics or underline...I agree that it can sound angry...sorry for that.

Isobel - posted on 06/24/2010

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WOW...that was a very compassionate response...it seems you are lovely when you are talking TO a woman who's having difficulty...just not when you are talking ABOUT them.

Nicole - posted on 06/24/2010

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@ Erin, I am sorry you are going through that. That has to be tough. I am sure you feel very torn as a breastfeeding mother and a loving wife. I bet it weighs heavily on you and I am so sorry. I will give you the same advice that I give my clients when they are dealing with an unsupportive (or uneducated) husband: Know that your husband is not a bad man. As a matter of fact, it sounds like he wants the best for you, wants you to take some pressure off of yourself, and wants some alone time with you again. How can you fault him for those feelings? You can't! He just sounds like he loves you very much. I would sit him down and discuss this topic. Ask him to tell you how he is feeling. Once he has told you how he feels, validate his feelings and try to make him feel better about his worries. Then, in a very compassionate and understanding way, educate him of all the benefits of continuing to breastfeed and remind him that although it can be time consuming and sometimes stressful, the benefits will be worth the effort. Remind him about how much you love him and that you need his support, too. Let him know that with his support, things will be easier, and you will feel less stressed and have more time and energy to focus on regaining the bed for just the two of you! Once you have talked it over with him AND considered ALL that he has to say, you have to decide what you will do. If that decision is to continue breastfeeding, MAKE SURE that you make time for him! If his needs are fulfilled, he will be more likely to help support you with yours!

If you need help with breastfeeding and pumping, I would LOVE to help! If I can help reduce stress on you in that area, I would love to! Send me a PM and we can talk.

Good luck!
Nicole

Nicole - posted on 06/24/2010

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See, I like what Sara said and she expressed well what I have been trying, but failing, to say in all my long tirades. And that is: I don't care if a woman chooses to wean her child to make her husband happy. That is her decision to make and I will support her decision. Because, yes, there ARE men who are not supportive of breastfeeding, I see it all the time, but what about the mother's who do NOT want to wean? Do her feelings matter?

I would not want to wean my child at 11 months or even 12 months, because I know that every month that I breastfeed beyond 12 months, I continue to decrease my chances of getting breast cancer and decrease the chances that I lose, due to cancer, these breasts that my husband finds so appealing. We had to watch his sister at 35 years old have a Mastectomy and go through hell with Chemo-therapy and then lose her uterus and ovaries, as well. She went through huge depression because she felt that everything that made her a "woman" was gone.

Why can't the compromise be educating the husband that continuing to breastfeed would help his wife save her breasts that he finds so sexually appealing and that she would make time for his needs, too.

That's all that I was saying. If a wife wants to wean and that works for her, GREAT! But what about the wife who feels it is her duty as a mother, woman and caregiver to breastfeed their child? Does she not get considered?

Ramona - posted on 06/24/2010

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If the shoe fits, then I'll call someone a douchebag! what is this kindergarten?

Jess - posted on 06/24/2010

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Does anyone else get annoyed when someone picks 1 or 2 words from their comment and then adds some ? That's not quoting, its putting words in someone else's mouth !

Sex is a privilege not a right... married or not. Having access to breast milk is every babies right

[deleted account]

Ok so in my situation my 2nd born is 9mos old, he currently weighs more then our 1st born did @ 1yr. I exclusively pump and bottle feed, ANYONE willing can feed my baby, hell I PUSH my husband to on occassion and he gets to while I'm working weekends...I pumped for our 1st born for 11mos and had enough expressed milk frozen to last him til his bday. Our 2nd born is again, 9mos old, so at best I have 2 mos left... My husband "tells" me that instead of taking the efforts I should just quit. The other day, #1 wanted to play outside, we'd just got home and we were ALL outside watching him play, when I told my husband I was taking our baby inside to feed him and pump when he told me that if he were me he would not pump and get him a jar of food and a cup...he did not mean of BM but water or whatever? implying that our 9mos old is big enough (21lbs & 27"tall) that he can deal on food and doesn't need BM or that cows milk is fine for him at his age... However, we fed #1 until 1 yr on BM therefore I thought that would be what was previously agreed upon, I guess silly me for thinking that what applied for 1 child would apply for the 2nd or any subsequent children? What do I know??? Having gone over it once it was not something that was discussed the 2nd time around? Now my husband is "telling" me to quit, "insisting" our son is well enough to not need BM or formula, etc. Now I feel that it is best for our son's health to drink BM or formula until 1 yr, as was once an equal decision. If I am to choose what my son drinks formula is NOT something I will opt to add to his diet. However, I think that my husband's problem is not soo much that I pump but that the few months between children when we did not have a family bed is actually what he desires. My pumping does NOT keep my baby in my bed! Currently my baby's seperation anxiety and my desire for sleep keeps him there...previously it was my fear that #1 was going to crawl into bed w/#2 and break a limb because he DOES get in bed w/him and proceeds to jump and play when sleep is what they both need... I know I need to get him in his own bed, I just have little desire for the fight right now and will build up to it eventually...

[deleted account]

I'm light :) I was responding to your post with multiple caps. I thought you were yelling lol. No, you haven't called anyone a douchebag or a bastard and neither have I...yet (I kid, I kid).

Isobel - posted on 06/23/2010

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And let's remember...I was not the one who started name calling and throwing insults...nor am I the one who continues still.

Isobel - posted on 06/23/2010

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the Um...Healthy comment was not in regards to anybody's marriage, it was in regards to anybody's fixation with breastfeeding over all else. I'm quite certain that your marriages are just wonderful since both you and your husbands have the same adoration for milk jugs (lighten up ladies).

Ramona - posted on 06/23/2010

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I honestly just think that a man who would ask his wife to stop breastfeeding their child before they are ready simply because he, essentially, wants her body back for himself is insecure and selfish. I really do not think that a marriage like that is very strong in the first place. It's the principle of the matter. And Laura, you said to someone that they should "enjoy the rest of their marriage" since clearly a woman can't place the importance of breastfeeding over the importance of sex and still have a healthy sex life...

And if she can't because of insecurities or whatever, then her husband needs to wait until their child and she is ready if he does not want to be resented. A confident man who values the best interests of his child and the needs of his wife will not ask her to stop purely to satisfy his sexual needs.

[deleted account]

It doesn't matter who suggests it. If the woman chooses to wean then great. I'm sure they will continue to be a happily married couple. All of the posts I've read are from women who feel completely heartbroken, lost and upset that they're husband is disregarding their feelings as well. Many of those say their spouse says nursing beyond a year is "weird" so it's not like the husband comes "lovingly" and requests it. I'm sure there are men who express their feelings in a loving way and I'm sure there are women who decide to wean based on that and I'm sure their marriages are great.

Jenny - posted on 06/23/2010

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And would I be out of line to suggest that those women feeling pressure to wean are told 100% of the time to continue regardless of their spouses feelings?

A woman can wean at her husband's suggestion and still be in a marriage as equally healthy as those who self wean.

Corena - posted on 06/23/2010

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I have not read this whole thread...but...for days now every time I see the title I just want to say:

ONLY IF YOUR HUSBAND IS A COMPLETELY SELF CENTERED BASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry...it had to come out...*blush*

[deleted account]

Yes, I get that, Kati. I said that there are moms who come to the Breastfeeding Moms group looking for support for this very issue. That would be me acknowledging that others may be experiencing this issue with breastfeeding. That post about my "healthy" marriage was directed at me and my point was that the assumptions and non-sympathy are going both ways. I never said anyone should get over anything. I said pretty much exactly what Laura said which was if the woman decides weaning is best then that's what she should do. We're not really disagreeing all that much. I would choose one way, but would support a woman who chooses another.

Rosie - posted on 06/23/2010

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*pounds head on table* ;)

nobody is saying YOUR relationship is doomed, because YOUR relationship doesn't have this issue. but there are people out there that feel this way, and i don't think that just because your husband doesn't feel this way, that it is faiir to assume people should just get over it.

[deleted account]

There are moms who come to the Breastfeeding Moms group all of the time because they are being pressured to wean by spouses/family. I'm sure there are couples in this situation. All I'm saying is that there could be compromise. Why must the mother wean? Why can't she offer the husband more attention or date nights or some other compromise? You ask for sympathy (and rightfully so), but you don't seem to want to give any to the moms who would want to continue breastfeeding either. I was told sarcastically "so you would get a divorce before weening your child early...wow...that sounds...um...healthy" That may have been directed at Nicole too since we both answered your question. So our marriages are weak too and would end in divorce if we continue nursing. We also don't care about our husband's feelings. I guess all of our marriages are doomed...lol.

I have nothing against women who would choose to wean in this situation (or any situation). Never said that I did. I just said it should be HER choice. If she decides it's best for her marriage to wean then she should.

Isobel - posted on 06/22/2010

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Again, I haven't been attacking YOUR way of life, because it is not about YOU...the only thing I have been looking for (and I have stated it time and time again, only to be answered with "douchebags", etc) is for the breastfeeders to have some sympathy and understanding for those who are different...for those who don't want to...for those who want to but are willing to give it up in order to maintain a happier marriage.



But not ONE person ha been able to do it...all I hear is...their marriage must be weak, she is being controlled, they are selfish, douchebags...really...can it possibly be so difficult to admit that in SOME instances Schmuley might be right?

Rosie - posted on 06/22/2010

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i think the thing that you are not getting is that even though your situation is what is considered "normal", there are men out there for whatever reason feel this way. just because they are different than the norm, doesn't make them wrong, or that their feelings don't matter. i think you are envisioning some giant asshole spewing about how it's tittie time for him, and that damn kid better get out of the way or else, in which case both of us would agree that is ridiculous, and that's not a healthy way to act. but if a man respectfully comes to you with his feelings and to shoot them down because of some sense of entitlement to your child, i just don't understand how a compromise isn't warranted.

Nicole - posted on 06/22/2010

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There is nothing wrong with sharing. I do it all the time! But, it should be on the terms of whoever the body part is attached to. My husband loves my breasts and actually loves them more when they are lactating (TMI). As a matter of fact, he has been sitting right next to me and agreeing with everything I have said. I have breastfed four children and still going with the fourth and he has never felt deprived of anything due to breastfeeding. There is no reason that intimacy should suffer due to breastfeeding. That was my point! And I care much for my husband's feelings and he cares much for mine, that's why breastfeeding has not sent us to divorce court. LOL

Isobel - posted on 06/22/2010

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sorry...it was the part where he was speaking from personal experience about missing his wife sexually that I was thinking about.

[deleted account]

The couple in the story have two children. It's the author who had 8 (he now has 9). He's a Rabbi, I don't think he'd be into prostitutes.

Isobel - posted on 06/22/2010

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And the OP had 8 children in a row...is the husband to remain silent for 16 years...I hope he likes prostitutes

Isobel - posted on 06/22/2010

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Not ONLY to serve her husband...but sharing is definitely a part of marriage. While I wouldn't marry a man who would demand that I do ANYTHING with my body...I'm sure my husband(ish person) wouldn't marry somebody who cared so little for his feelings.

Nicole - posted on 06/22/2010

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I am not a Boob Nazi, I am just defending a woman's right to choose what she wants with her own breasts.

You ladies marry who you want, but I wouldn't have married a man who did not respect my body to be my own, in the first place. So I guess my points hold no water.

And, no, women do not want to breastfeed for the rest of their lives, that was my point! Our children are only small for a very short time and 11, 12, 18, or even 36 months out of that lifetime is nothing compared to a marriage that lasts 60+ years.

To debate the OP, I don't care what goes on in someone else's marriage and if a woman chooses to give up breastfeeding for her husband, that is her choice. But my problem is when people act as though women's bodies are only to serve their husbands and say chauvinistic things like what is in this article.

A woman can marry who ever she wants and stop breastfeeding whenever she wants, but I am so glad that I have a husband who respects my decisions about my body and will give a little for the sake of our children. And I will NEVER side with a man who tries to impose his feelings about his wife's body onto her, but I'll respect her decision to let him.

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