Can breastfeeding hurt your marriage?

Dehra - posted on 06/17/2010

First off the reason we have breast is to feed our children they are not ment for sexual purpose. and yes i told my husband this, he was not happy but so what. as far as im concerned he can play with them when OUR children are done with them!

Chloie - posted on 06/16/2010

My husband likes me to breastfeed, he knows how good it is for the baby. It hasnt affected us at all i fed my first for 16 months n my second is now 9 months all good :)

Isobel - posted on 06/16/2010

does that help? I think that so many people feel like breastfeeding is being attacked (and by some people it is) that they automatically go on the offensive and create problems where there aren't any.



reminding women that their husbands are still there too...and that their marriage is just as important as breastmilk is not an attack.



Maybe you are not obsessed...but some women are. Please stop assuming that everybody in the world is like you...nobody is attacking YOU.



edited to add: when saying you, I don't mean you in particular, but in the plural sense of the word

Isobel - posted on 06/16/2010

I wouldn't even change my shoes if my husband DEMANDED that I do it...nobody is in control of me...however, if he came lovingly and said "I've been doing the best I can, and I feel like our relationship is suffering...can you consider stopping or slowing down?" Then I would take his wishes (and our marriage) into account before making a decision.

Because our marriage is more important than breast milk.

*Fluffy Bunnies - posted on 06/16/2010

"Like I said...not everybody is you. I was a very happy breastfeeding mom, and my husband had no problems with nor would the man that I am with now if we had children. However...If the man that I loved came to me after almost a year of being patient and happy with the fact that his child is being nourished in the best way possible and calmly told me that me missed seeing me as sexual...I would see the fact that he waited almost a year to come yo me calmly as a compromise, and I would be more than willing to do the same.

and let me clarify my point even further...if my husband came to me and "demanded" that I stop breastfeeding (at any point), I would tell him to shove it up his arse...that was NEVER what I was talking about."

I was just confused because in one you said you would stop breastfeeding and in the other you said you wouldn't. Is it the way that the husband asks that would determine your decision?

Nicole - posted on 06/16/2010

I am sorry Laura, I wasn't trying to come off as rude or not understanding. I was just keeping the debate going.

Nor was I implying that men who feel negative about breastfeeding shouldn't get married or even have children, I am just saying that they should be grown enough to understand that their problem with breastfeeding is caused by something else and should have the responsibility to talk about it or seek help with their issues rather than stomping on the rights of their wife to breastfeed or the rights of their child to be breastfed.

Isobel - posted on 06/16/2010

which two?

*Fluffy Bunnies - posted on 06/16/2010

Sorry I was just trying to understand your point because the two statements you made sounded like they contradicted each other.

Isobel - posted on 06/15/2010

and they should certainly NEVER be allowed to breed.

Isobel - posted on 06/15/2010

Once again, I surrender...clearly you have proven your point...nobody worth while has ever had a psychological aversion to breastfeeding...they should be stamped on the forehead so we can avoid talking to them.

Desi - posted on 06/15/2010

my husband has been very supportive of me nursing our childern and i think it has actually strengthened our family

Nicole - posted on 06/15/2010

True true Cyndel!

Just as I said, if breastfeeding is causing problems in a marriage, it is NOT the breastfeeding ITSELF causing the problem. It is another problem (or problemS) lying under the surface that is being manifested as a problem with breastfeeding.

Cyndel - posted on 06/15/2010

Honestly, the problem with the couple probably wasn't nursing, it could easily have been the wife's unwillingness to be intimate, trust me I've seen it before, so she used nursing as a barrier. Or the husband could have been unwilling to share and resented the baby. I personally know a woman who had to pump and bottle feed because her husband said that her breasts were his property and not even his child would be allowed near them. She really struggled with this because she wanted to nurse so much, but he wouldn't let her. I doubt nursing was the issue though, it was probably just the excuse.
One thing I noticed, he never mentioned how the nursing or bottle feeding of his eight kids hindered or helped with his own marriage. I wonder why.

*Fluffy Bunnies - posted on 06/15/2010

Laura, I completely respect your opinion, but even if it's asked calmly if you don't want to stop and someone is asking you to then isn't that being forced to stop? I'm all about compromise. Mom could easily continue to breastfeed, but make more time for her husband. The older they get the less they nurse and when they do nurse it's super fast. It's not like when they're young infants and need to eat every hour 24 hours a day. Like I said, my husband doesn't even really see me nursing anymore because it's mostly before she sleeps and when she wakes up. I guess I've got no solution for the man that's turned off by his wife breastfeeding even if she makes more time for him.

Ramona - posted on 06/15/2010

And if a man doesn't see a woman as sexual because she is breastfeeding, she clearly needs to re-evaluate who she is with!

Ramona - posted on 06/15/2010

A stable, happy family does not come about with an insecure father in the picture.

Isobel - posted on 06/15/2010

and let me clarify my point even further...if my husband came to me and "demanded" that I stop breastfeeding (at any point), I would tell him to shove it up his arse...that was NEVER what I was talking about.

Isobel - posted on 06/15/2010

Like I said...not everybody is you. I was a very happy breastfeeding mom, and my husband had no problems with nor would the man that I am with now if we had children. However...If the man that I loved came to me after almost a year of being patient and happy with the fact that his child is being nourished in the best way possible and calmly told me that me missed seeing me as sexual...I would see the fact that he waited almost a year to come yo me calmly as a compromise, and I would be more than willing to do the same.

*Fluffy Bunnies - posted on 06/15/2010

No, I'm sure there are other men like this, but I don't understand how they will have a stable happy family if the husband forces the wife to quit breastfeeding.

Isobel - posted on 06/15/2010

OK Ladies, I surrender...everybody in the world is as blessed as you...nobody has psychological issues with breastfeeding...or should I say, if they do they clearly do not deserve to be married or have children. And it is far more important for a child to be breastfed than to be in a stable happy family.

Ramona - posted on 06/15/2010

yes, Laura, because it is HEALTHY to resent your baby for eating what nature intende him/her to eat because you want to fondle your wife. Yeah....okay!

Ramona - posted on 06/15/2010

If breastfeeding (the most natural and right thing in the world!) hurt my romantic relationship, my SO knows where the door is! That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard! Boobs are food first, male play things second. There is a reason God made them fill up with milk...because He intended you to feed your baby with them. A man whose more interested in his claim on them than on baby's welfare is a piece of shit anyway!

Susanne - posted on 06/14/2010

When i got pregnant with my oldest it was my husband who persuaded me to try to breastfeed as i had been brought up in a family that hadnt breastfed any baby for over 80 years. Ive spent over four years of my life breastfeeding and likely to spend at least another two when this baby is born. My husband thinks im never sexier than when im carrying his child and breastfeeding his sons so to think that any father would be resentful is odd to me. Might i also add that i have co slept with all of my four kids and my husband has spent a lot of time sleeping in the spare bed. I think it must come down to the man you are married to, if he is the selfish type who resents you breastfeeding he will never be a perfect husband anyway because he will most likely resent baby anyway whether baby is breastfed or not. I remember being told many years ago by the midwife not to neglect my husband because they get jealous of the attention you spend on the baby i laughed my socks of because that was exactly the same advice i got from my vet in regards to my dog.

*Fluffy Bunnies - posted on 06/13/2010

A marriage that can't "survive" breastfeeding is not and will never be a healthy marriage

Nicole - posted on 06/13/2010

Well, if that was the ONLY thing bothering my husband and he asked me to stop, then one problem would become more, because *I* would resent him for making that decision *for* me and sex would definitely go on the back burner. So, then his inability to support breastfeeding would "snow ball" into more issues and, in my opinion, if the husband is as good as you are saying, he would understand that would hurt both his wife and his child and realize that it would be selfish to try and end it. That is why I say there is a bigger issue because, in my opinion, he would be using breastfeeding as a tool to control his wife.

Isobel - posted on 06/13/2010

I just feel like if breastfeeding is the ONLY issue coming between you and your husband...then a healthy marriage is MORE important than breast milk. period.

Nicole - posted on 06/13/2010

Laura, I totally get what you are trying to say: That there are husbands/significant others that are not supportive of breastfeeding. That is a very real issue! But, as I said before, just because some women and children are in those sad and unsupportive situations, does not make it right for Rabbi Schmuley to condone, encourage, or defend that negative behavior. That was the basis for this debate. This man said some very offensive things about women's bodies and discouraged breastfeeding. What he said was irresponsible and misogynistic!

It is my opinion, that women should be able to make decisions about her reproductive health without being oppressed or undermined in her decision and breastfeeding, to me, is a woman's right and not her husband or anyone else should be able to take that right away from her. Whether it be by guilt, coercion, or ultimatums!!!

I, personally, think that any man who asks/tells his wife to stop breastfeeding is selfish. My reason: Has anyone ever quit cold turkey from breastfeeding? If you have, you know that in most cases, the child does not adjust very well and that stresses the mother (and possibly the father) even more. Not to mention the engorgement that mother would experience. And I haven't even started with the resentment she would feel towards him for creating all of these things! And I don't know about you but I don't know ANY woman who is exhausted from comforting a baby that is having a hard time adjusting to weaning all while having rock hard and burning, painful breasts, is going to just jump in the sack and turn on the sex for her husband!

Again, if the mother is "obsessed" with her child at the expense of sex with her husband, there is something wrong with the bigger picture of their marriage or her body and weaning is not the answer. And if a woman is doing all that she can to make time for her husband and he STILL has a problem with breastfeeding, then it is *his* problem and that means a bigger problem lies underneath. This would be where I would recommend counseling from a breastfeeding supportive clergyman (UNLIKE the Rabbi here) or professional.

Again, I am sad for the women you are trying to bring recognition to, but in my opinion, breastfeeding is the least of their problems.

Isobel - posted on 06/13/2010

Biologically speaking you are correct...psychologically speaking...women should all be so lucky...as I said...congratulations...and may you have understanding for those less lucky

Cara - posted on 06/12/2010

I didn't read the article, but just read most of these posts and laughed... My husband loved it when I breastfed our girls, but I never viewed it as a child vs husband thing. Having a good healthy marriage is good for your child.

K - posted on 06/12/2010

Biologically speaking, every woman is the same as we are--as far as what breasts are for. This conversation is going nowhere.

Isobel - posted on 06/12/2010

I'm also happy for you that you have a healthy family and marriage balance, that your children are well nourished and you are happy with it...so long as every woman in the world is the same as you then I guess you have a point...since not ALL are...and I know several women who it has not worked out so wonderfully for, I guess we will have to agree to disagree on this one. Enjoy your evening ladies.

K - posted on 06/12/2010

Sounds like you have a good balance, I hope your husband appreciates it! (I'm sure he does :-)

Rosa - posted on 06/12/2010

My son is 8 months old and I want to breastfeed as long as I can. While the fulfillment I get from breasfeeding has decreased my desire for sex somewhat, I have made it a priority to have sex with my husband about 3 times a week. My husband is sensitive to meeting my needs and very patient with the baby, so he really appreciates it when I return the favor and make sure his needs are met. Just like I wouldn't want my baby to be malnourished, I wouldn't want his love tank to run dry. It is a cycle of give and take. As a wife and a mother, I can't let either of my boys take precedence over the other when I can easily feed the baby, lay him down for a nap and then get some intimate time with my husband.

Nicole - posted on 06/11/2010

And well said to you Krystle!

Also, about women being the only mammals with permanently engorged breasts, it really has more to do with mate-choosing more than sexual desire. It is theorized that a woman's breasts was to say to a man that she had all the potential to nourish her children. That she is of age to bear children, since human males can not sense that a female human is of breeding capability or readiness, by smells or other signs. (Human males can not smell us ovulating like other mammal males can.) Therefore, they have to rely on sight. Women in their child-bearing years will be more filled out than girls who are not yet ready for child-bearing. This is why our breasts are permanently engorged, not for sexual pleasure. At least they weren't initially.

K - posted on 06/11/2010

Many women tandem nurse.

K - posted on 06/11/2010

Actually the calculated historical average weaning age of children globally is 4-7 years,

K - posted on 06/11/2010

Haha, nicely said Nicole.

Isobel - posted on 06/11/2010

I don't believe that it was common to be able to breast feed one child for years at a time...since we were generally pregnant every other year or so...

K - posted on 06/11/2010

Well, biologically speaking you are exactly wrong.

Nicole - posted on 06/11/2010

Man, what would these sex-crazed men had done before formula? Forced their wives to starve their children???



Especially since before the time of formula wives were *property* to their husbands anyway. If he wanted to take her breasts back from his child she would've had to comply.



And that is how I feel about this whole debate and this man's article. I feel like I've been time-warped back to when women had no rights and were property.

Isobel - posted on 06/11/2010

I'm sure you missed my post when I stated that that is EXACTLY why they are there...we are the only mammals on the planet with permanently engorged breasts...they are there to be ogled as an OVERT sexual signal...and I don't believe that kicking your husband out of bed, refusing to have sex with him, and being willing to get a divorce rather than ween your child is a sign of a healthy breastfeeding relationship.

K - posted on 06/11/2010

I really wouldn't regard that woman's relationship with her breastfeeding baby as unhealthy... She breastfed and co-slept into the eleventh month. How is that unhealthy?

"her obsession had turned one of her most attractive body parts into a feeding station, an attractive cafeteria rather than a scintillating piece of flesh."

Are you kidding me? That is laughable. The primary function of the female breast is for nourishing the human baby. Not for husbands. Do they have secondary functions? Sure, but biology didn't put them there for men to ogle.

Isobel - posted on 06/11/2010

this article is not about women (like us) who have a healthy breastfeeding relationship...this article is about a woman who has an unhealthy obsession that leads her to neglect her relationship with her husband.

K - posted on 06/11/2010

I don't really understand how breastfeeding your child can interfere with your marriage in a severely detrimental way. Clearly initially your sex life is put on hold while you get used to your new baby/breastfeeding relationship. A relationship that can't hold out without sex for a while maybe isn't the strongest relationship to begin with. The first year of parenting is insanely difficult, you need to have a partner who is there for you and supportive if you are going to get through it. If breastfeeding causes that much of a rift between you and your partner, it's simply a symptom of other problems.

Isobel - posted on 06/11/2010

plenty of men...and women for that matter are shocked by the way that breastfeeding affects them AND their relationship. I don't think that you can always predict it and choose a husband accordingly. But, I'm sure glad it worked for you...it doesn't for everybody.

*Fluffy Bunnies - posted on 06/11/2010

I won't need to because I do have a healthy marriage. My husband is not an a-hole who would ask me to give up something that my daughter and I love.

Isobel - posted on 06/11/2010

so you would get a divorce before weening your child early...wow...that sounds...um...healthy

K - posted on 06/11/2010

If breastfeeding destroys your marriage, perhaps you shouldn't be married to that particular individual.

*Fluffy Bunnies - posted on 06/11/2010

lol, Nicole. My husband comes home for lunch everyday too. And yes, my main point about this article is how this guy acts like women are only here to have sex with their husbands.

Nicole - posted on 06/11/2010

Yes, I would Laura. I would tell him "no" that I am not giving up on breastfeeding, because in my experience, sudden and forced weaning only makes the child MORE in need of comforting and it becomes a strain on both the child AND the parents, which would then cause MORE strain on the marriage (at least it did anytime *I* weaned my children, instead of letting them wean themselves). BUT, I would promise to make more time for him. I would suggest date nights, middle of the night sex, etc. In other words, I would want him to compromise with our child and myself as much as I would compromise with him.

Truth be told, I am as imperfect as the next married person, but my husband and I have pretty good communication. He knows that it is important to our children and myself that they be breastfed and that makes it important to him. He also knows that when I am breastfeeding, we both get more rest and, therefore, have more energy to share time together. Also, my 8 month old usually likes to nurse right before bed and he patiently waits while I do this, because he knows that after I get our baby to sleep, I then automatically come cuddle with him (or other things... lol). Luckily, for us too, he works not far from home so while the other kids are at school and the other two are napping, he gets more "lunch" during his lunch break. LOL Also, even when I feel "touched out" (especially about my breasts), I still allow him to spend as much time as he wants and keep in mind that my body will inevitably switch from Mommy-mode to Lover-mode. I also make every effort to initiate sex with him. That way he knows that just because I am a mother (or a breastfeeding mother) that my attraction to him still remains.

I do feel the woman in Rabbi Schmuley's article was neglecting her husband with breastfeeding, but I feel that breastfeeding, in and of itself, was not to blame. I feel there is something wrong in the marriage, in the bedroom, with the husband, or with the wife when a woman does not want to have sex with her husband, no matter what the reason is.