Career vs mummy!

Brittney - posted on 06/23/2010

Sometimes making your happiness a priority is the same thing as putting your children first. I couldn't possibly be as good of a mother as I am now if i didn't have goals that i set for myself outside of just being a mother. All of my goals eventually lead to one main goal, to provide for my daughter and be a good roll model to her. Every woman is different and no one can really say what is right or wrong for someone else.

Amanda - posted on 06/23/2010

of course your children should always come first and any normal mom would want to spend 24/7 with there babies. my advice is to do what you feel is right. like me, you are still very young and have your whole life ahead of you. so going back to school once ther in school is always a great idea as long as there being supported in the mean time. as for myself, i am attending school to become a registered nurse. i am not even 21 yet.. soon to be though... and i have 2 children already. i just feel that theres more to being a mommy than physically taking care of the kids. of course i would LOVE to just spend every waking hour with my babies, but the way things are these day i want to be 100% sure they will have stability. my husband and i are doing just fine, but theres always the 'what if's?" who is to say 5 yrs down the road we get divorced? i just wanna be sure i can provide for them on my own if need be and not struggle sometime down the road. i hope this helps you, but like i said... do what your heart tells you. good luck!

Sarah - posted on 06/23/2010

Krista- you're ideal schedule is awesome!! Now if we could just figure out how to do it!! LOL
In other news, I have an interview for next week- Hooray!

Jennifer - posted on 06/23/2010

Krista I agree if women "have" to work because of financial reasons then that's what's bets for their family. We're lucky that my husbands very well paid and we can can afford a roof over our head etc. wihtout me working. In my earlier comments I said that when money is an issue it's best for the mother to be working rather than not being able to feed and clothe her child.

Yes daycare is good for a child's development both socially and intelectually but they can get the same from going to a playgroup or mother and toddler group so working and being a stay at home mums both have their positives =]

Susanne - posted on 06/23/2010

I always wanted to be a mother and ive been lucky enough to be able to stay home to look after my kids. When i do have periods where i dont have a baby/child at home to look after i try to go to college or something to keep my brain active. Ive learnt a new language and some other new skills but i cant see me working again until my youngest leaves school which seems as he hasnt been born yet will be in about 18 years lol.

Krista - posted on 06/23/2010

And sometimes "doing anything" for your son means keeping a roof over his head and food on the table, because if you stayed home, "home" would wind up being a cardboard box, or some rathole dump of an apartment.



If my husband made bucketloads, would I stay home full-time, though? I still don't think I would. Being in daycare has been really good for my son. His development has accelerated, because he's buddies with a baby who is two months older than him, and wants to keep up. We live in a rural area, and I don't know any other mothers with young babies, so when I WAS home on mat leave, it was just Mommy and Sam, all day long, in the same routine every day. I don't think it was all that great for either of us.



So in an ideal world, if money was not an issue, this would be my setup: I'd work Monday and Tuesday, and my husband would work Wednesday and Thursday. On Mondays and Wednesdays, Sam would go to the sitters, and on Tuesdays and Thursdays, he'd stay home with the applicable parent. Friday, Saturday and Sunday, we'd all be together. So I'd have Wednesday all to myself, and my husband would have Monday all to himself.



Sigh...wouldn't that be nice?

Jennifer - posted on 06/23/2010

Sarah thanks for explaining your position. For the more specialised jobs yes it would be harder to be out of the job for 3 years. If the woman wants to work that's her choice, everyone has their reasons =] Personally I would walk to the ends of the universe to do anything for my son including stopping doing any job whether I'd been in that job for 1 year or 15 years but that's because it's the way I was brought up =]

Joanna - posted on 06/22/2010

I never wanted a career. I knew I wanted to be a mom first and foremost, so I never even bothered with college. I jumped from retail job to low-paying customer service job to retail job until I had my daughter, so for.... 7 years I kind of did nothing. I liked my jobs, I even went from clerk to assistant manager at a video store within 3 months of being hired because I liked it and did a great job. But I knew none of them would last. Some days I kind of wish I would've done college part time though, or taken something I like as hobbies (photography and sewing/design) and took some courses to better myself. But to me - mommy comes first!

Kristin - posted on 06/22/2010

The children should come first, but not to the detriment of the parent, mom or dad. It is amazing that parents have the option to stay home with their children when it's financially feasible. But make no mistake, it's still work. Between nurturing, teaching, playing with, and loving those kids, a parent is constantly doing something. Then toss in even slightly maintaining the home and you've got a more than a full time job.

Also, if we don't pursue our own dreams and aspirations, how do we teach them to shoot for the stars, a medical degree, or the oval office? If we can't show them how to balance pursuing dreams and family life, how will they learn to do it?

If a parent is fulfilled by being home with their children, that is wonderful. If a parent needs a career to be fulfilled, then they should do that. It all comes down to happy, well adjusted parent's tend to have happy well adjusted kids. It's the quality of the time spent with them, not the quantity. It's so much better to have a really engaged couple of hours with them, than a whole day of just sort of being there physically but not mentally. They know when we aren't really paying attention and that's when they start doing ANYTHING to get it.

Once ours are all in full-day school, I intend to go back to work or school. I love my kids, but I loathe cleaning. There are other ways to accomplish that and I'm free to go see the soccer and T-ball games, school plays, and recitals. You have to do what's right for you and your family.

Jane - posted on 06/22/2010

I've always had a career...not necessarily because I wanted to or needed it to feel fulfilled but rather because we needed the income. I think that what makes a mother happy is what makes a child happy. Happy moms/happy kids! If happy means working outside of the home then I think it's what should be done. If working inside of the home is what makes a mother happy, then that will make everyone happy. It's a personal choice and I don't think one or the other makes for better or worse kids.

As a working mom, my children STILL always came first. My kids never took a back seat to my job. So I think that question of "should your children always come first" has nothing to do with whether a mother works or not, it's a priority on the mothers part. I know a LOT (A LOT) of stay at home moms that STILL do not put their children first and I often wonder why they even bothered having children.

Sarah - posted on 06/22/2010

@ sara- i can and do volunteer, which helps tremendously with staying in the loop! I also am not adamant about staying exactly in my field, but to be honest, I think people get a little wierded out when they see a resume covered in rape and abuse. I am continuing to look though, and have hope that I will be working by next month. Zoe's mounting medical billls makes it imperitive that I return to work ASAP, but with no support system here, I have to work FT to cover the cost of child care, LOL a true catch-22

Jessica - posted on 06/22/2010

My son always comes first. He is a big reason why I work as hard as I do...so I can provide for him. My husband and I could probably somehow make it work and survive on just his income, but it would make things very stressful. I don't want to have to scrape by. I want to be able to afford to take my son on vacation when he is older, afford for him to play sports or an instrument if he wants to, etc.

However, if my husband were to receive a significant raise, then I would love to stay home for the first few years. Maybe just the first 3 years. Ideally, I would still go back to work part-time after that, not full-time. That way, I would feel like I have ample family time, but also keep my foot in the door in my field...just in case something were ever to happen to my husband's job.

Meghan - posted on 06/21/2010

I have no choice but to work and go to school. But that doesn't mean that my son doesn't come first.

Good Day! - posted on 06/21/2010

I can see that being problematic, especially if you were adamant about being back in sexual assault and domestic violence specifically. Would it be possible to get into a different non-profit and eventually work your way back to that specific field?

And I know what you mean about funding. My husband is a nurse and only wants to work for the state. He got in at one prison, funding was cut and his position terminated. It took him several months to get another state nursing job in a mental health facility, and it was a pay cut. He was lucky enough to get a job at another prison and back to his original pay. He got that job just in time for funding to be cut at the mental health facility. He would have likely lost his job there if he hadn't transferred to the prison. His job now is pretty secure, but it's been a ride dealing with him keeping a state job.

But back to the original discussion (sort of) could you volunteer just to stay up with everything while you are at home?

Sarah - posted on 06/21/2010

I am a non-profit program coordinator and victim advocate- specifically I worked in sexual assault and domestic violence. It's a very small niche and positions are competitive. Especiallly now with the economy doing so poorly, non-profits are really struggling. The other thing about non-profits is that the federal and state restrictions on grant funding and reporting changes all the time, so you have to be on top of it or you're out of the loop :(

Good Day! - posted on 06/21/2010

I think the missing 3 years thing depends on your career. For me, all I would have to do is get 6 hours of college credit to be re-certified and I'm in. Teachers are always highly in demand. Maybe I won't get re-hired in the fabulous district where I previously worked, but I'm confident that I'd get a job somewhere. There are other professions that are the same way.

Sarah, just out of curiosity, what is your profession?

Sarah - posted on 06/21/2010

@ Jennifer - I think that saying a few years is not that critical to your employment history is a mistake.3 years is a lifetime in the professional world. I've been out of the workforce going on 11 months and even that has made it much harder for me to find a professional level job. A lot of places weed out resumes starting with people who are not currently employed. I am trying to use my business connections to get back on the radar, but it's hard. And, like I said, once people know you're a mom and especially if you're the mom of a specaial needs child, they are less likely to hire you.

I always intended to be a working mother, that is how I was raised and that is what I wanted to do- I didn't get my degree for nothing! Maybe that is selfish of me, but personally I feel I am setting a good example of independence for my daughter. Sure, I could continue to stay home but I might just go insane. I am an excellent SAHM, my house in clean, my child is happy and healthy, I clip coupons, I make my own baby food, I use cloth diapers, I take my daughter to the developmental specialist and the occupational therapist, I do it all and I still feel unfullfilled. I have tried very hard to immerse myself in mommy-ness, but I really hate it. I feel like my brain is on vacation. I resent not having my own money. I resent having to pay student loan payments on a degree I'm not using! I think everyone in our family will be better off when I'm back at work. And, if that is being selfish then Oh Well. I'd rather be happy with a few hours per day with my child than miserable with her 24/7

Jennifer - posted on 06/21/2010

I too have not had a career prior to having Logan. I have a diploma in IT but have no desires to go to university in the future.

I plan to go to work when we have had our second child and he/she is also in school.

I think it all depends on when you have your children - some women will have their career first then children or children first the career, or some do both at the same time.

My feelings on this subject are very strong mainly stemming form the way I was brought up. My mam was a nurse before my sister came along, and she was a stay-at-home mam from then on un til I was about 7 years old (I'm the youngest).

I believe your children should come first and that includes putting them first before your career. What confuses me is why have children if you intend on going back to work and getting someone else to look after them? Working mams miss out on watching their children grow and develop. Yes some mams have to work for financial reasons but those who don't I find it a little selfish that they'd rather work than be with their own son or daughter.

I think whether you've had a career or not surely the first 3 or years of your child's life is the most important time for you to be with them and is 3 or 4 years such a big sacrifice in your working life?

Jessica - posted on 06/21/2010

Thats kind of how I want to do things, Jodi. I want to work from home, I'd like to start a business doing custom art work. :) Then I will get to do both things I love, being a Mommy first and an artist!

Shannon - posted on 06/21/2010

I went to welding school twice once when I was 18 & again when my 1st child was 6 months old. I became a certified welder making anywhere between 15.00 to 30.00 an hr. Once I met my now husband & got married & pregnant again I quit. I'd much rather raise my children then make lots of money. He works, I stay home. He only make 10.00 an hr. I could easily find a new job welding making 18.00/ hr, but it's too important to be home with my children. Sacrifice.

Jodi - posted on 06/21/2010

Careers are over-rated IMO.

Honestly, I've done both. I THOUGHT I was that mummy that needed her career. When I had my son, I went back to work when he was 6 weeks old because I had a great job and my ex had broken his arm and couldn't work. I was also, at the time, studying for a degree. I was 28. In many ways, it is just as well I wasn't a SAHM because my ex and I split a couple of years later and having a high paying career turned out for the best.

By the time I settled down, remarried and fell pregnant with my daughter (aged 35), I was earning 6 figures, finishing a Masters degree and really enjoying my job. But I decided to stay home, and that's when I realised the career was over-rated. I needed to bring in some sort of income, so instead I used my skills to start a small part-time business from home and I love just being mummy.

Amber - posted on 06/21/2010

I would also agree that it depends on the person.
I had a job from the time I was 15. I was always the top of my class and had huge ambitions for myself. When I found out I was pregnant, we decided that I would stay home.
I hadn't finished college yet, so I took one complete year off and went back two days a week when my son was 1yr old. I completed my first degree and am almost done with my second. He will be starting his second year of pre-school when I graduate and I intend to start working again. He already loves his daycare when I'm at school, so I don't feel guilty.
I love being a mom, but I would be bored out of my mind staying home after my son was in school. If we have more, I think I will probably go part time and split days home with his dad (he works 12 hrs 3 days a week).
I'm just one of those women who has so many ambitions that I could never accomplish them in a life time. But I want to see how much I can get through though :)

Lyndsay - posted on 06/21/2010

I think it depends on the person. I really admire stay-at-home moms, but its not something I could do. I am a thrill seeker and I'm always looking for MORE MORE MORE! Its just in my nature and even if I try to squash it, its there. I love my son and I am still an active part of his life, we do things together and he is #1 priority on my list. If he got really sick or something and needed me home, I would quit my job in an instant. But since (thankfully) thats not the case, I don't feel ashamed to leave him with his friends at day care while I go to school and work.

Jocelyn - posted on 06/21/2010

I also think it depends on the woman. I know a few moms who are quite happy to be a SAHM, with no desire to go back to work (at least until their children are much older) I on the other hand was miserable being a SAHM. I worked one day a week and that was the only day I actually looked forward to. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids, but I CANNOT WAIT until they are both in school so I can go back to full time school/work. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I had them so young, I really only worked full time (and didn't get to continue my education) for 1.5 years before I went on mat leave. I have recently (about 4 months ago) started a new job bar tending (not what I want to do with my life lol, but hey, it's out of the house and I'm doing something!) a few shifts a week and I love it! I would love to be able to work one day, stay home the next, work, stay home (etc etc) For me,in this instance, my children don't always come first. If I am unhappy, then that affects my parenting and therefore my children. I have to be happy in order to be the best mom I can. And for me, I have to be "doing something". I cannot just stay home; that is just not my personality. I think that everyone should have a career. I look at my mother (SAHM for 12 years, then she started cleaning houses) and I DO NOT want her life. She has no skills (job wise lol), nothing really to fall back on. Her and my father are getting a divorce, and she doesn't know what she is going to do for full time work. Not to mention the additional income of a second person helps the budget (my parents are in so much debt, they won't be able to retire until mid 70's --even then who knows) And I refuse to have the life they had.

So yes, for me, having a career (even just a job for now lol) is very important.



Edited to add: I was never a SAHM by choice; if was all financial reasons

Jessica - posted on 06/21/2010

Did you know they did a study and actually contemplated paying stay at home moms as an actual job but when they did the reasearch and put together all the jobs a mom does in a day the Government could never afford our wages!? lol, so the idea went down the drain.
I know I will likly have to work again, but honestly, I would be so content to be a full time Mommy, most important job there is to me. :)

Corena - posted on 06/21/2010

I think it totally depends on the person.
If a woman wants a career she should be free to pursue that.
If she wants to stay at home she should be free to do that.

Yes, your children should always come first. I don't think working outside the home means that they don't.

I am a stay at home mom. I LOVE it!

Good Day! - posted on 06/21/2010

For me personally, being a mummy (love the British way of saying it!) is the most important thing. When I think about goals and dreams, they all revolve around raising healthy, happy children.



I'm okay with not bringing in an income, because I see it as my job to save money, therefore increasing the amount of money we have. Because I'm at home, nap times are often spent clipping coupons and searching grocery store circulars for the best deals. I've been able to stretch $100 for two weeks of HEALTHY groceries, because I have time to shop at several different stores and clip coupons. (please not that we normally spend more that $100/ 2 weeks, but I decided to see if I could do it recently, and I made it!) Just today I stopped by one of those stores that sells overstock from other stores. I have 4 pregnant friends and 2 pregnant cousins, so I needed a few baby gifts. I spent $6 on $30 worth of baby stuff. I spent less than an hour at the store. So my savings was $24 in one hour. If you look at it like I MADE $24 in one hour, then you see how I'm adding economic value to my home. I had time to dig around a junky store and get some pretty decent gifts for my friends, instead of spending a ton of money at BabiesRUs.



Another thing to think about is child care. Having one child in child care in my area would be about a fourth of my take home pay. The other parts of my paycheck would go to work clothes, gas, eating out, and more expensive food and clothes as I wouldn't have time to bargain hunt. Sure I might come out a little better financially if I worked, but not enough to justify putting my daughter in daycare.



When I'm done having kids and my youngest is in school, I'll think about going back to work. My husband has said that it wouldn't bother him if I wanted to stay home even then. I'm not currently worried about it. My one and only child thus far is only 2, so the day to start thinking about working again is far into the future. Even if the unthinkable were to happen and my husband suddenly died, I would be taken care of through his life insurance policy. But I have an education, and I can go right back into the work force if I HAD to. But I don't want to.



So now that my novel is over here is my conclusion. I don't need a job to be fulfilled. I'm happy at home. And stay at home moms CAN contribute financially by saving money. I do understand that staying home is not for everyone. If having a career makes you a better mother, then that is fantastic.

*Fluffy Bunnies - posted on 06/21/2010

I also think it's depends on the woman. My husband and I had a lot of changes happen right after we got married. I have a degree in education (pre k-3rd grade). We got married 2 weeks after I graduated with my Bachelor's and he graduated with his Master's. He still had some work left to do so we lived with his mom for the first 6 months of our marriage. I subbed so we had some money. We then moved across the country where he got a job. I worked in a preschool while waiting for the teacher hiring season to roll around. Then I got pregnant. I stayed home during my pregnancy and never went back to work. I didn't get to have my own classroom and that made me a little sad at first. Then I had my daughter and she became my whole world. My interests, hobbies and passions all changed. Right now, I love staying at home with her. I realize that we are so fortunate that we can do it financially. I no longer want to be a teacher. When my daughter is a little older I would love to go back to school and get a Master's in human lactation. I would like to become an IBCLC (international board certified lactation consultant) and work part time helping mommy's breastfeed. Never in a million years would I have thought that that would be my career goal. I completely understand why some women would like to (or need to) keep working. As far as an education goes, yes, I think women should definitely get an education.

Teresa - posted on 06/21/2010

Mommy, definitely.

Sarah - posted on 06/21/2010

LOL- So glad you started this post!
I completely agree with Krista. I waited until 28 to have Zoe, and since her birth i have been a SAHM. It is making me totally insane! I've always had a job, since I was a teen and I feel like my diploma is just a super-expensive piece of paper since I am not currently putting it to use. I hate, hate, hate having to check with my husband about finances and not having my own monney that I made.
That being said, it was important for my daughter's health and well-being for me to stay home with her. She was born 2 months early at only 3lbs 3oz adn has hd developmentaly delays b/c of that. I would stay home with her forever if she needed it. But, I do feel that it's a personal sacrifice for me to do so. I had to put my career on hold and give up a job that I loved adn was great at. Now, I'm trying to get back into the workforce, but jobs are hard to come by.
I also know that women are discriminated against in the workforce because they need more time for family and they are not abole to do all the after work networking stuff- unless they want to sacrifice that family time.
But, again I agree that a woman should have an education and a certain amount of work experience (which she can get volunteering while her kids are at home!) in case she needs to suport herself.
I'm also of the mind that a woman needs a certain amount of time for herself, whether that's work or just Thirtsy Thursday's with her girlfriends. Take off the mommy hat and just go be yourself for a few hours. It will make everyone happier!

Stephany - posted on 06/21/2010

I am going to assume that you mean financial situations aside. There are a lot of women who would love to be stay-at-home moms but are unable to do so because of the need for another income.
I think it is important for moms to have an outlet for peer socialization and some intellectual and creative stimuli away from their kids. It helps to maintain the balance of mommy vs woman, in my opinion. Now, the capacity in which that is reached can be just about anything- taking an evening cooking class, working a part time job, having a career, joining a mother's group, etc.
Right now I prefer to stay at home for the simple reason that my kids really need me. There are so many appointments and home visits and school things going on because of their involvement in early intervention programs for special education. It would be impossible for me to work and provide them the same opportunities. Besides, they'll only be 2 and 4 once and I can always go back to work. Financially, my husband and I have had to make some sacrifices to allow me to stay home. In the end, though, I doubt the kids will care that we had a 10 year old car as much as they'll care that they had me.
I do plan to go back to school to get a Master's degree in secondary education/administration. I would like to be a high school English/Social Studies teacher and eventually move into the administration side of things. I specifically chose that profession in the hopes that the kids and I would share vacation time and I would (hopefully) be home more often than if I had become an attorney (my other potential career path).
I think it's important that we have something to keep us grounded to adulthood, but I don't think it has to be a career.

Krista - posted on 06/21/2010

I really think it depends on the woman. Some women do not need a career to feel fulfilled. Others do. I am part of that latter group. I worked my butt off to get to where I am today, and would not be comfortable in my own skin if I walked away from all of that. That does not mean that being a mom isn't important to me -- if my child truly needs me, I'm there. And I've skipped a LOT of my work's social engagements, because it is important to me to be home with Sam to give him his supper, and play with him, and rock him to sleep at night. It's a balance, and it's a damn hard one, because no matter what you do, you feel that you are shortchanging your child AND your workplace. But the guilt doesn't match the reality. I'm very good at what I do, and have received a lot of positive feedback. And my son is happy and thriving, and loves his daycare provider and his new friends there. I guess it's par for the course to automatically feel guilty when you're a mom. Fun, no?



Regardless, I DO believe that all women should be educated and have a certain amount of work skills. If anything ever happens to the husband, or if finances change and the mother has to go to work, it is sad when you see a former SAHM who winds up not being able to make ends meet because she has absolutely no work experience and cannot find a job.