Choosing who will raise your children if something happened to you.

Constance - posted on 04/26/2011 ( 32 moms have responded )

2,651

24

136

I as just wondering how or if you have ever thought about who would take care of your children if something happened to you.

For me and my husband we thought about this for many years and bounced back and forth between my mom and my sister. We finally decided that my sister would be the best place for our children to grow up without us. She is also the benificiary on all of our insurance policies. She knows what our wishes are for our children and we know she will do as we ask.
I told my mom of our decision and she completely flipped out. I explained that we didn't make the decision to hurt her but we feel it is best. She was even more angry that my sister is the benificary on our policies.
I love my mom bt she has very old beliefs when it comes to meds, and diagnoses. She doesn't belief anything is medically wrong with any of my children, and she thinks I just want to medicate them so I don't have to deal with them. When in all truthfulness my oldest is the only one that is on anything and only because she has severe anxiety attacks.
Also school is not her top proirity. That is not how we raise our kids but my sister does have the same priorities.
I don't think we were wrong in our decision but my mom sure knows how to make mefeel guilty. Do you think I was wrong for my decision.
My mom has only ever watched my children for a few hours thoughout the time I have been a mom. She has only watched them for longer than a few days once and that was this last February and she didn't watch them the whole time my girlfriend watched them most of the time.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Louise - posted on 04/27/2011

5,429

69

2296

I think your sister is the best bet too. Your mum is stuck in the past and will want to raise your children as you were raised. It is a very different world out there now then when you were small. Your children need someone your age with your beliefs to raise them to live a normal life as best they can.

When my sons were small I picked Godparents for them if anything should happen to me. I picked my best friend who I had grown up with and her husband because she knew how I would want to raise my children and our outlook on life was very similar. Now I have a 2 year old and if anything happend to me I would want my eldest son to bring my daughter up because he is well grounded and I believe he could do the job. I am hoping not to pop my clogs for many years to come but if I did my son would raise his sister in the same way he was raised. He is 20 now and at university and dotes on his sister and I could rest in peace knowing he was doing a good job.

Don't take any notice of your mother she is feeling insulted at the moment but in reality she knows she can not offer the same upbringing that your sister can offer. She will get over it.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

32 Comments

View replies by

Lotte - posted on 09/06/2011

51

17

0

I really have no idea. Right now I'm leaning toward a friend, but I don't know who to ask. Perhaps my third child's family if something were to happen to us but I don't know if they'd take my daughters as well. I would not want them separated.

Becky - posted on 09/05/2011

232

23

9

Because I am divorced, this becomes a very tricky issue for me. My ex is currently incarcerated, and as long as he is, my parents would take custody of my daughter. If my ex is out of prison, then there is nothing I can put into writing now to ensure that he does not get custody of my daughter. I've spoken with my atty & my parents and if they can get a court to deem him an unfit parent - shouldn't be too difficult - then they can petition the court for custody. If he gets out of prison after they have already taken custody of my daughter, he would have to fight to get custody from my parents. My atty claims that with his history of illegal activity, being in & out of prison & history of drug abuse, my parents should be able to win any custody battle because they can provide a stable loving home.

I choose my parents because I know that not only can they provide for my daughter, they would have the financial resources to fight a custody battle with my ex. My brothers would both be willing to take my daughter in if needed any time and I would certainly trust them to raise my daughter is a loving home, but they have their own children to worry about also. Taking on the additional burden of potential custody battle both emotionally & financially would be more difficult for them.
I have written letters to my parents, and the ex in the event that something should happen. I've spoken with my parents also because I want them to understand how important it is for me & my daughter that they fight for her, and they agreed! The letter to my ex is a plead for him to allow my parents to raise our daughter, pointing out that they are more financially & emotionally stable and can provide a better home environment then he ever could. I haven't actually spoken with him . . . I guess maybe I should, but I was just hoping that he would stay where he's at!

April - posted on 09/04/2011

3,420

16

263

My younger sister would get custody of my kids should anything happen to both my husband and I.

Danielle - posted on 08/29/2011

605

13

21

My husband and I made this decision last yr. We just have to get the paper work drawn up. If something were to happen to us they would go to my brother and his girlfriend. We talked to them and they agreed. They know how we want them raised and I know they'd be well taken care of. If we were to both pass then the kids would get half a million dollars so we HAVE to get the papers wrote up b/c I'm ashamed to say that when our family finds out how much $$ the kids will recieve then everyone will want them. The only other ppl that know at the moment is my brother and his girlfriend and we only told them AFTER they agreed lol.

Ashley - posted on 08/25/2011

910

45

83

My husband and I have a 2 part plan. if we are gone before all our kids hit school age my parents get our 2 almost 3 boys, if my boys are school aged they will go to my older brother. My parents b/c they are amazing parents/grandparents and can handle babies and toddlers. But my brother is exaclty the guy you want to be a dad but doesn't have his own kids and I know he would follow my husband and I's plan (with his own flair). My biggest fear is that my sisters will be hurt by my decision as they both feel they are the choice... Guess I will hav eto tell them sooner or later.

Sherri - posted on 08/22/2011

9,593

15

387

Yup my brother and sister-in-law will take my four children and my animals in the event of our passing. We have had this and our life insurance policies taken care of for a very long time now.

Constance - posted on 08/19/2011

2,651

24

136

@Krista Did you invade my body nd meet my Mother. LOL You it that on the head perfectly. She is completely self centered and she would bitch the whole time that she was raising her grandchildren. Everything is about guilt and blame. She lives at this time for 7 more days about 20 minutes away. I have only been to her house about 6 or 7 times in 4 yrs. She blames me for everything that happens and I mean everything. Her long time friend's daughter go pregnant that was my fault. She lives over 1000 miles away. Her other friend's son di 6 six monthes n jail for a stupid decision. He lived over 12 hrs away. Her boyfrien had a heart attack and got prostate cancer, and a blood clot leg. All my fault. I have realize I am one hell of at talented person that I have made all these things happen.

Krista - posted on 08/19/2011

12,562

16

842

If your mom isn't going to understand, and if you know you made the right decision, then you're just going to need to say, "This was our decision. We put a lot of thought into this, and we need you to respect that." And then move on. if she complains and moans, say, "I'm sorry you're disappointed, but we're comfortable with our decision.", and just leave it at that.

She sounds like a very unhappy, self-centred and manipulative individual -- do you really want your child raised in that environment? Cripes, if you DID make her the guardian and something happened to you, she'd probably complain about the burden. ;)

Constance - posted on 08/17/2011

2,651

24

136

@ Sara I have told her this but she just can't seem to get it through her head. She is just a miserable person. She isn't mad that she isn't getting them she is made because she isn't getting the money my sister is,

[deleted account]

My husband and I decided that we wanted our parents to remain in the grandparent role. We didn't want them to have to start over and raise our children during their retirements. Maybe you could use that angle with your mom.

We chose my husband's sister and brother in law. They share our values and are financially and mentally stable. They love our children and vice versa.

Jasmine - posted on 08/17/2011

64

13

2

My husband and I have had this talk and we narrowed it down to my sister and his brother. However they both live in different states than we do (NY and MA, we live in Vermont) I think this is a huge responsibility to ask of someone but I would definately want my children to be raised by relatives

Constance - posted on 08/17/2011

2,651

24

136

My mom continiusly gives mminderwhy I don't want her taking my children is something were to happen. Resetly me and myhusband found a bond that we lost a lon time ago and living apart is just not an option any longer. I told her I was moving with the kid to be with him and this s how she responded.

"You hate me. Alyou ever want to do is take my grandbabies away from me. I never going to be able to see them again."

Really? On Friday is our 17th anniversary. They are our children not hers. Besides we live 20 mins. or so from her and she will make it over here once in a blue moon to visit. I don't go to her house because I am not welcome even though she says I am. since I told her she has only been her once and that was for 10 mins. Still really only because she wants me to replaveher AC unit in her house.

Emma - posted on 08/17/2011

41

75

2

This subject is constantly on my mind, but I am really lost as to who would raise my little boy... His Paternal grandmother is out she loves him, but is a really selfish person. His paternal grandfather and step grandmother are out as they have NEVER shown any real interest in our boy. I don't have a mother, my father is a criminal so that rules him out too. My partner has a brother and a sister, his sister is a drug addict so she's out, his brother maybe, but he doesn't show enough interest in our son for my liking. It really is a hard decision! I think you made the right decision though for your family.

Andrea - posted on 05/03/2011

5

6

0

I chose my sister as the executor of my estate for my child. But have not chosen a caregiver yet. As like you my mom & I are not on the same page when it comes to raising a child & she will get old someday,what happens then.

[deleted account]

We chose friends.
When we were pregnant, we named dh's sister and her husband as guardians, but have since changed it.

The friends we chose have a boy J's age who is J's best friend. They share our values, live close by, and parent much like we do.
Our agreement stipulates that both sets of grand parents are allowed one weekend per month with J if they want it. Our life insurance and assets all go to J, his guardians get $2,000/month to assist with the cost of raising him until he is 20 years old. Tuition $$ is set aside (out of a combination of the policy and my capital assets) and can only be used for tuition. Everything else transfers to him upon graduation of college, unless he skips college, in which case, he gets everything when he is 33 years old. (Yes, I did that to make sure he goes to college). Our lawyer is the financial manager, so we did not have to grant access to his guardians.

Cyndel - posted on 05/02/2011

754

24

32

My parents, until they get to a certain age. But right now they are young enough to take care of any kids I have without much difficulty.
If and when my brother marries we will consider changing to them.
Any of DH's family is out of the question...period. My husband was the first to say it and I'm in full agreement.

Christie - posted on 05/02/2011

12

4

1

It's definitely important to make the best decision for your kiddos, regardless of the feelings of the rest of the family. And if you don't already have it all set up in a will, please, please do that as soon as possible. Simply expressing your wishes to the family is not guarentee that they will be followed as custody is offically decided by a court of law if you die and they will take into account all sorts of factors (like the kids needing to move, etc) so if you don't have legal documents that show what your wishes are there could be issues. It's not super expensive to do and such a great investment to know that things are all set for your kids. You can also use the will to set up trusts for any life insurance or retirement proceeds so that these funds are specifically used for your children's care. Who to leave your kids to is a tough enough decision and you want to make sure it actually sticks!

Allie - posted on 04/30/2011

341

8

26

My husband and I are still very young, but I'm a planner so we decided who would take care of our son before he was even born! We decided on my parents. We decided that we weren't going to tell my inlaws to avoid hurt feelings, but I'm sure they probably know.... and I'm sure they know it's nothing personal and that if it should ever come to that, my parents would continue to have them as much a part of our son's life as possible...

[deleted account]

If my hubby and I were both to die my parents would get our two youngest (our oldest would go to her deadbeat bio mom - great incentive right there to not die! lol). We do have written in our wills that we want ALL the kids to go to my parents though. This decision was actually pretty easy for us as my parents are both in great health and are financially secure.

~ My hubby's mom and stepdad can't even care for themselves financially (we've been supporting them for the last year and a half).

~ My hubby's dad and stepmom aren't really "kid people" and only see the kids for a few hours once a month or so (even they live the closest to us out of all the grandparents).

~ My sister and her husband have 2 kids of their own, 2 mortgages (they rent out one of their houses, but they had to rent it out for less then their mortgage because of the economy). They *could* manage our kids as well, but I wouldn't want to put that extra burden on them.

~ My brother is only 22 and in school full time, as well as the fact that he is in the college's ROTC program and is in the Air Force (full time after next summer). Now, if he marries his girlfriend (who we all really like), or they are in a more committed relationship, then they *may* be our "runner up" to get the kids.

~ My hubby's sister... well, she was never in the running. She can't even take care of her own child (who she abandoned)... I think we'll just leave it at that...



Out of our friends, there are only a few that I think would be able to take on the burden of extra children.

~ My best friend (who I'll call K) has a son of her own who gets along great with our kids and I know she would be a great "mom" to my kids, but I don't like her husband. He's an ass...

~ My other best friend (T) literally just got married and she and her new husband juststarted new jobs. However, they do live in a house tht he owns (it was his grandmother's and he got it whenshe passed - no mortgage or anything) and their bills are taken care of through a trust he has (through his grandmother after hse passed). So, financially they would be a pretty good option, but I would still rather my parents get the kids over them. (They are 3rd on the list right now)

~ My hubby's best friend (A) and his fiancee have a new baby (7 months old). On the surface they would be a good choice, but his fiancee is a bit nuts and I wouldn't feel confortable with the kids living in their house.



As it all stands right now, our wills read our options as this:

1. my parents

2. my sister and her husband

3. my friend, T

4. my friend, K

5. my brother

6. my hubby's dad and stepmom

Amber - posted on 04/30/2011

1,909

13

144

Chad and I have chosen one family from each side of our family. His cousins that have two children our son's age or my aunt and uncle who have three children similar in age. Both families have similar parenting styles to ours and we would be happy with either.
We picked two just in case one couldn't do it.

All of our life insurance goes directly to our son, as does our house and other assets. His guardians have limited access to the money for management purposes.

My parents understand why we didn't pick them. They are older and have no small children anymore. I would prefer him to go to a place with younger parents and other children.

Chad's pissed that his parents and brother aren't an option. But his parents are already in their 60s and have had health concerns, and his brother's girlfriend of 10 years is a complete bitch who hates me. No thanks.

Go with your instincts. You have to be able to know that your children will thrive if you cannot be here to lead them.

Krista - posted on 04/27/2011

12,562

16

842

We still haven't picked legal guardians, and don't know what the hell to do. My parents and his parents are both in their late 60's, and their health is starting to fail. I have a sister, but she's a single mom of two boys, and an emotional and financial trainwreck. She can't even handle what's on her plate now, so I'd certainly never burden her with another child. I have a brother, but he's 24 and a single student, and just not in a place where he could take care of a child. My husband is an only child. We have friends, and have considered a few of them, but we're not THAT close to them that it's really feasible for them to raise our child.

I think Keith and I will just have to ensure we always travel separately, I guess.

[deleted account]

If I die, my ex gets the kids (my little 'life insurance' policy for the next 15 years...lol). IF he dies before I do.... I have a few different families that I would talk to about taking my kids if I die. None of them are relatives.... Well, except my ex's cousin. ;)

[deleted account]

I think you made a great decision.

I know we are going to hear it from my husband's family when they find out they aren't getting our daughter if we die. I chose my brother. He is a CEO, has a lot of life experiance, same religous beliefs, and two of his children are close in age to mine. His wife is a wonderful woman who I greatly trust.

In fact my husband's family is 5th in line.... that really sounds bad. But in all honestly I don't want my children ending up like my SIL... she is 21 and does NOTHING (no school, no job, no housework).

I know that if my second eldest sister and her husband die that we get their sons. It's because her eldest is a bit of a handful and she knows that we are the best people to raise him. They are our second choice.

There is our daughter's Godfather, but he's only 20 and is working really hard in school. We may move him up the list in a few years.

Jayce - posted on 04/27/2011

1,480

1

85

If something happens to my husband or me, our son is going to my sister. Totally pissed off my SIL, she assumed because she asked us to be guardians for her kids we ask her to be the guardian for ours. My husband and I have very different parenting ideas than my SIL. She spends to much time screaming and yelling for my liking - I don't want my son raised in that environment. Althought my sister ahs no kids of her own, she loves her nephew and I know she would do everything in her power for him.

We never considered naming our parents as guardians. Not that our parents aren't great people, they are, it's just that they are getting older and may not be in the best health to care for him if needed.

Nikki - posted on 04/27/2011

401

37

27

We essentially ticked off everyone in both if our families when we chose godparents. We chose our best friends. They have the same beliefs we do, the same priorities for education, expose their children to the same things, etc. Plus no one in our families really worked for us when we were choosing. Hubby's brothers: one is 40 and still hasn't setled down, doesn't take care of his own kids. The other has five kids all ages 12-15. His parents would be active in the kids lives but too many medical issues to be full time parents again. My mom is single, in her forties, and works all the time, my 22 yo brother is just getting married this July and is inheriting a 6yo throgh his fiancee. My other siblings are 19,13, and 7. Th 19yo has a disability, I don't agree with the way my dad lives. My aunt already takes care of her hubby, son DIL, and granddaughter, and my grand parents are getting older, so they don't make for a good choice. Once we explained this reasoning everyone was fine with it, but it took a while to get there. We are also BFFs kids' godparents for the same reasons. Their families didn't take it as well, but you have to make the best decision for your kids.

[deleted account]

My hubby and I decided that if anything is to happen to us our children will be cared for by my parents, they know and respect our beliefs about how we are raising our children and would follow our wishes - such as not smacking our children and our schooling requirements.

You have to do what is best for your children in a horrific situation, nobody elses feelings (other than the kids) should matter, if they are upset it is unfortunate but your children have to come first.

[deleted account]

Im just hoping that nothing happens to us before my oldest is 18 because I wouldnt want my kids to go to anyone in our families. Both sets of grandparents are dead, we dont speak to anyone in my husbands family and my family dont bother that much with us either. My kids have a half sister too but I wont let her anywhere near my kids so if we both died my kids would end up in care.

Constance - posted on 04/26/2011

2,651

24

136

Thank you my mom is a good person but her ideas and mine just don't mesh. I wish she could see this as a good thing for my kids. I know my sister will push them to succed and won't back down. My mom still won't believe that my oldest has asperger's and requires extra assistance. My kids will have to move from the eastcoast to colorado but we also included the two older childen in the decision. Because we want them to ok with moving that far away from were they are growing up now. I just want to settle this with my mom so there are no hard feelings if it ever came down to this.

Medic - posted on 04/26/2011

3,922

19

550

My kids have godmothers and as a group we decided that my daughters godmother would take both of them and my sons godmother would be there to help her and my parents would help make sure the kids had everything and help her with them. She is my age and has the same upbringing and current outlook on life as my husband and I. She and I have been friends for over 15 years and I know I don't always have to agree with her but I will always be there for her and she for me. I am glad everyone is happy and supportive of our decision and see that it isn't about them it's about my kids and what will be best for them.

Lacye - posted on 04/26/2011

2,011

31

160

You are not wrong. If you and your sister are on the same page when it comes to raising kids, then I think you made the best choice for your children.

If something happens to me or my husband, our daughter is going to my sister. For one thing, his family doesn't have anything to do with our daughter. They don't come and see her, they pretty much have nothing to do with her. My sister however has always been there for my daughter. We made her my daughter's godmother. I do plan on getting some life insurance on myself and my husband and if anything happens to us, it's going to my sister. I know I can trust her to raise my daughter right and to love and take care of her.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms