Co-Sleeping - good or bad idea?

Shelby - posted on 02/20/2010

K, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and try to be quick about it and try not to get my head bit off at the same time.

Personally I feel that there is nothing wrong with the family bed. My husband and I have been together for 14 years and have had a child in our bed the entire time, and we couldn't be happier. And no we've never been to a marriage counselor. We've never had a reason to go. Intimacy gets worked out. Sex takes care of itself, and for us...It works. We love having our children close to us. So I don't believe its right to assume that having children in bed ruin a marriage or the children. Our children have all went into their own beds by the time they were 3-4 years old, all before they started school, and we've never had one night of tears or nightmares, or fights. So although it may not be ideal for everyone. It has worked great for us. My husband and I couldn't be happier. And our children are well loved, and very secure. I don't begrudge anyone for their choices and I don't think its anyone's business what we decide to do in our own home. To me, Its really no different than the self-weaning off the breast...Its another comfort thing for children, They are comforted to be so close to mommy and daddy. And while they are little they sleep between mommy and daddy, and as they get older, and don't fall off the bed, they sleep on the edge and mommy sleeps in the middle, (however I still put a guard on the side of the bed)

Nicole - posted on 02/20/2010

I am very capable of looking like an idiot on a regular basis. LOL

Nicole - posted on 02/20/2010

I was just stating an observation of my own that could be way off base. You don't have to get upset if I end up looking like an idiot. Just let me look like one... =)

Lady - posted on 02/20/2010

Nicole please don't try to muddy one argument with another, the two are seperate topics so lets keep them that way.

Sharon - posted on 02/20/2010

I got it! I got it! No I don't mean herpes.

I'm fine. Having a good time decrusting my stove after a lovely spillover and planning an out of town trip to take 6 kids (god save me) to see "Walking with Dinosaurs" after a night where I didn't co-sleep with my kids, shared a bed & uninterrupted night with my husband and still didn't have sex! hahahaha

Nicole - posted on 02/20/2010

OH GOODNESS PEOPLE!!! WHO GIVES A DAMN!!! We are currently cosleeping with our 4 month old. It works for us. He's young enough that if we want sex, it's just as easy to transfer him to his bassinet or crib. We have done this with all of our children. Now, by the time they were around 6 months and more mobile and nursing less often at night, they have always been transfered out of our bed and done quite well with the transition. Sometimes if they wanted to nurse more often one particular night, I didn't make the effort to put them back, but they did most of their sleeping in their crib. This was not done because we are against co-sleeping past a certain age, it just worked for us.



If co-sleeping interferes with a couples sex life, it's THEIR sex life! Why do you care?

If they are co-sleeping longer than you feel is necessary, it's THEIR bed! Who cares?



I notice that most of the same people bashing co-sleepers are also bashing extended breastfeeders. Look, there is evidence to prove breastfeeding, even extended breastfeeding (which we feel we have to defend all the time), is healthy for a child, but co-sleeping is a life choice (just as many children die or get injured in the family bed as they do in their own) and getting angry about someone else co-sleeping with their child(ren) is like getting upset if they send their kids to public school instead of private or homeschool or visa versa.

Traci - posted on 02/20/2010

@Christina: I'm sure that a) Sharon is a big girl and can fight her own battles and, b) clearly, Sharon is over it already, so why are you still harping the point?



It was meant to be funny and a little snide and bit snarky, and hey... you know what? I think Sharon got that!!

Jennifer - posted on 02/20/2010

Susanne, I'm glad co-sleeping worked for you. We live in a 2 bedroom house at the moment so we have our bedroom and our son has his bedroom (although he's in a moses basket in our room at the moment). I don't like the feeling of not sleeping with my husband next to me and there's nowhere else he could sleep! Co-sleeping does have it's benefits just as sleeping in their own cot does - different ones of course but at the end of the day it's up to the individual mum! I'm sooo excited for mother's day (my first hehe)!

Isobel - posted on 02/20/2010

I don't know what thread you guys are reading...I've seen one person bash cosleepers...everybody else seems to be somewhere in the middle...YOU are over-reacting and starting fights now.

Minnie - posted on 02/20/2010

True, true, Susanne. I suspect that this world is going to imminent chaos, due to the millions of people cosleeping around the world and throughout history.



Let's clear things up- if you don't want to cosleep with your children, great- but don't tell me that cosleeping is WRONG and HORRENDOUS. My whole entire point about bringing other cultures into this discussion (goodness how that got people into a tizzy) is that millions of people do this (and really, _I don't_care_ what their reasons for it are) and they're fine. There are no adults still sleeping with mom and dad.

Susanne - posted on 02/20/2010

Im not talking particularly about Sharon this whole thread as turned into bash the co sleepers like i said in an earlier post why cant everyone just live and let live

Isobel - posted on 02/20/2010

what is narrow minded about Sharon? I think she's been entirely reasonable and you...Susanne have switched over to name-calling. I think she mentioned all the reasons she DOESN'T want to "find a way" and why should she have to?

Susanne - posted on 02/20/2010

Well i have three kids 11, 9 and 3 and i manage it. I dont do it in the car either. Nothing is impossible if you want to do it problem is everyone on here objecting to co sleeping eem to feel its our way is right and the rest of you are all crazy. I'd rather be crazy than narrow minded.

Jane - posted on 02/20/2010

I never co-slept but I'm not against it. I just have some advice for anyone that has a problem keeping their 13 year olds out of their room @ night; sleep naked! My son avoids my bedroom like the plague. I know a couple that co-slept w/ their son's & when they tried to put them in their own rooms they would sneek in their parents room @ night & sleep on the floor so they actually put sleeping bags down for them & now the oldest is 11 & still does it. They have no idea what to do to keep him in his own room. Some people take the co-sleeping thing a little to far.

Sharon - posted on 02/20/2010

Susanne - I'm past the age where getting busted for screwing my husbands balls off in the car, late at night in a park is fun.

paying for a hotel room is just extravagent.

finding a ALONE time during the day with 3 kids running in & out of doors is virtually impossible.

frankly, I suspect even without a broken (now healed hip/back) sex in the shower is out.

Yeah - choice of making love in my big comfy bed versus the cold tiled floor of the bathroom - hhmmm.. bed.

Late night all the kids are asleep ... making love on the couch, in the livingroom where there is no door to shut for privacy? I don't think so.

The more I try to find a way to have sex SOMEWHERE else other than my bedroom, the more the rest of you look risque perverts willing to corrupt your kids! hahaha

I work, hubby works, so maybe the break room at work? Yeah being fired is so much fun... no wait, the office, there are cameras there even better < rolling eyes >

back in the day when we had ONE predictable toddler and ONE infant, yeah sex on the couch was possible. Now, you never know who needs a drink of water and is perfectly capable of getting themselves out of bed to get it for themselves.

I don't care who co-sleeps. I think the extended thing is a bit much but if you all raise up a bunch of pewling kids who can't even sleep alone, so much the better for my independent-go-get-'em kids in the future. Just my opinion.

C. - posted on 02/20/2010

Honestly, I don't see why you all are/were ganging up on Sharon. She has every right to state her opinion, too.

@Traci.. What does it matter to you WHY Sharon calls her family? I suppose discussing little itty-bitty things every day is much better than waiting for someone to be on their death bed to chat it up with family members. Anyway, it's really none of your business what topics she discusses with her family unless she shares it with everyone on here. She was responding to something that Lisa said about Japanese culture. Sharon is part Japanese, so I'm sure that someone spewing off untrue statements about all Japanese families probably hit a nerve and she wanted to set it all straight. There's nothing wrong with wanting people to know what REALLY goes on, now is there? This subject may not be important to you (and in that case, why are you even on here), but maybe it's important to her? So get off her back. Sheesh!

Isobel - posted on 02/20/2010

You know you have a point...I had forgotten how this thread started...it's gotten soooo out of hand (from every angle)

C. - posted on 02/20/2010

@Lise.. My son had problems with spitting up a lot when he was an infant. That's why the nurse told us to sleep him on his tummy, that way if he spit up in his sleep, it would just run right out of his mouth and he wouldn't even have the chance of choking. I just made sure there was absolutely NOTHING in there with him, other than the bassinet sheet and waterproof pad, the clothes on his back and the blanket he was swaddled with. Sure I had to wash bassinet sheets and waterproof pads all the time, but at least he didn't choke. Just a thought..

Susanne - posted on 02/20/2010

Well if the only place you can have a sexual relationship with your husband is in your marital bed then i totally agree Sharon. Im sure its probably against the law somewhere to do it anywhere else lol.

Sharon - posted on 02/20/2010

Just to be clear. I am not anti cosleeping. I am against long term bed sharing with your children. I am against abandoning your husband and your sexua relationship with him in favor sleeping with your kids.

Susanne - posted on 02/20/2010

Lisa just face facts all us co sleepers are raising our kids to be emotional wrecks that will never leave home etc. They will probably grow up to be psychopaths and kill us all in our sleep at 18 years of age because we've pinched the duvet one to many times lmao.

Minnie - posted on 02/20/2010

Actually, Laura, my point was that Jackie insists on calling cosleeping horrendous and wrong. And no one will tell me why. Just that it apparently is.

Lise - posted on 02/20/2010

I am very PRO co-sleeping! I wasn't before my baby was born, but I am now. Neither my husband or I have ever come close to rolling over our LO - we both sense that she's there. She couldn't sleep in the crib at the hospital; the only place she could ever sleep was on us. She's moved past that (and WON'T sleep on us now); she sleeps between us. It's done nothing to harm the relationship between my husband and I. We still enjoy our showers together (and other things ;) ).



I know for a matter of fact that I sleep a lot better with her next to me than with her in another room. I breastfeed, so I get to sleep through the night with her in our bed - she can even latch herself on if I position myself carefully when I go to sleep. No WAY would that be possible with her in a crib!



As for it becoming a habit, I'm really not worried about it. My brother and I both co-slept as babies, and we both were in our beds without a problem within a year or 2. Also, moving kids into their own beds is part of what I do for a living... I've moved 7 kids into their own beds without a problem and only have one failure, and that's because the PARENTS don't want him to move...



I'm a little more in favor of it, too, because I feel it saved my daughter's life. She has horrible spitting up problems, and one night she stopped breathing. My hubby and I were asleep but felt her little hands batting at us. She was choking and had completely stopped breathing. My husband got her up and cleared out her throat. My heart stops when I think what would have happened had she been in her own crib... We didn't hear her - just felt her. My husband has not missed a night of sleep since she was 3 weeks old; I've missed quite a few just due to feeding her, which I'd have to do no matter where she was. But the 30 seconds it takes to wake up and latch her on if she doesn't latch herself on is a lot better than the time it would take to get up, walk to her crib, get her out, get into a comfortable position, feed her, get up, put her back, etc.

Lori - posted on 02/19/2010

We tried hard NOT to co sleep with our oldest, but neither I or my son were sleeping well. At about 10 days old we brought him into our bed and all of a sudden everyone was sleeping well. The important thing is to co-sleep SAFELY, but in my opinion, it is safer than a baby sleeping alone. We've researched co-sleeping extensively and to me the benefits definitely outweigh the minimal risk (and I say minimal assuming the co-sleeping family has done everything they can to minimize those risks). I co-sleep with my almost three year old, my seven month old, and most nights my five year old ends up in the bed, too. We have "set" positions in the bed and the boys stay in them very well. Like someone else said, if co-sleeping is disturbing your sex life then you're not that creative. Just my opinion. ;)

Brittney - posted on 02/19/2010

Ok I just got done reading half of the first page and stopped cause I got bored, but I didn't know that people could get so mad about sleeping with your baby or not. I just wanted to post something nice about my bed sharing experience. I love when we lay facing eachother and she puts her little had on my face and I love when we wake up in the morning and she gives me a big smile. She hardly ever crys when she gets up. I usualy wake up to her kicking her little feet. It is just so nice for us. We both get a lot out of it. Not just a good nights sleep.

Brittney - posted on 02/19/2010

I don't have a significant other and I LOVE sleeping with my daughter. She sleeps in her crib just fine when I put her there, but I like her in my bed. I don't really care if anyone dosn't like it. My mom hates that I do it, but I told her that I love it and I don't want to hear her complain about it any more.

Isobel - posted on 02/19/2010

Well that's you Nicole...there appear to be a lot of ladies who would beg to differ.

Nicole - posted on 02/19/2010

Hey, I'm not freaking out on anyone... Like I said the studies on co sleeping can go either way, so I don't care. Because they can go either way, I don't think anyone should be accusatory of another because they do something different in this particular category. That's all. ......And, I just felt your comment was a little contradictory, sorry.

Isobel - posted on 02/19/2010

You are right...that WAS the original idea of America...and (as a group) you have chosen. If you choose to go against that grain...stop freakin out on those who chose to go with it.

Nicole - posted on 02/19/2010

Actually, I thought the original idea of America was that we would be free to choose. Free to choose our religion, free to choose our leaders, free to choose who we marry, free to choose how we raise our families (even if that's to resonate more with other cultures)...



America may be individualist in nature, but teaching an American child to conform to what is around him is contradicting individualism. Because if that's really the case we are actually teaching our children to be conformists not individuals.



Again, I don't care if someone's child sleeps in their parent's bed or in their bassinet...

Isobel - posted on 02/19/2010

My thought is that we are raising our children to become productive members of society...the assumption would be that we mean members of OUR society. America (where I assume you are) is an individualist society...which means that even if a team wins a medal, you look for the star on every team, and attribute the win to him/her.



Many other countries (like Japan) are considered collectivist in nature (these cultures embrace the team, and make decisions by majority decision), if an individual wins a medal they are far more likely to attribute it to the contribution of the team.



In America, the culture is Individualist in nature. We always look for the stand out member...the winner...there's nothing wrong with that...but it's different.



Our job as parents is to prepare our children for the world they are to inhabit. If you want them to be global citizens and resonate more with other cultures...that's your choice...the fact remains that cultural norms exist.

Traci - posted on 02/19/2010

Hey, my grandma had a kid in her family (13 all total) sleep in a dresser drawer too! I guess it's not as strange as I thought it was....

Charlie - posted on 02/19/2010

I think its one of those topics that really is no one elses buisness what we do or dont do .

Johnny - posted on 02/19/2010

What really mystifies me about this thread is how worked up people get about where someone else's baby sleeps. Seriously, I could care less where anyone else keeps their kid as long as it's safe. My husband's grandmother had to have one of her children sleep in a drawer of a dresser as an infant. She had twins and only one bassinet. They were very poor and their own bed was too small. It was the safest place. We are all doing our best and using what we have each learned in life to give our kids the best possible start. We all have learned different skills, theories and ideas about how to parent, if we all did it the same that would be weird.

Charlie - posted on 02/19/2010

I HAVENT READ THE OTHER RESPONSES .

I co slept with Cooper until he started sleeping through the whole night which was around 3 months , i think in those early months its great to have a baby close to you especially since they are so used to being inside you , a part of you , I also liked the bonding that occurred by sharing that close time togther not to mention how easy it was to breastfeed .



Cooper went from our bed to his own without any hassle at all and occasionally when he isnt feeling well he sleeps in bed with us .



Personally i think if you cant keep a bond with your significant other just because your child sleeps in your bed either the bond wasnt very strong to begin with or you have very little imagination .



Personally i wouldnt let a child over 6 months sleep in our bed every night because i like having my own space and do enjoy a snuggle with my partner but i by no means think co sleeping is bad nor do i think being agaisnt it is bad , its a personal choice that parenst make that really in the end isnt a choice that endagers a child in any way so really it shouldnt matter .



I can say as a person whose baby co slept , my child sleeps like a champion i can and have vacuumed around him while he slept without a single stir .

Nicole - posted on 02/19/2010

Yeah, I agree Traci. Everyone is so busy throwing message board puches at each other, I'm lost, too. LOL And I am too tired to read it all to figure it out... maybe tomorrow...



Anyway, maybe I'm just beat down, but this is not a topic I feel so stronly about either way. I support co-sleeping, but since there are situations where co-sleeping can be unhealthy (usually because one or both of the parents has not made the co-sleeping environment a healthy one), I do not presume to tell everyone they should co-sleep. (I do feel strongly that they should at least "room-in" to help maintain breastfeeding hormones.) And yet, there are still plenty of sleeping deaths among babies not sharing the bed with their parents, so I don't have a side there, either. I think when it comes to this topic, what works best for one family, may not work for another. Co-sleeping gets a bad rap and it doesn't deserve it. A baby is as much at risk in it's own bed as it is in the family bed (maybe safer in the parent's bed according to some studies), so to be so judgemental to one side or the other on this one is just attacking another's parenting.

Traci - posted on 02/19/2010

That's why it's often times more fun to just watch the fray from the sidelines. I mean, I gotta tell you... this thread has provided me with plenty of entertainment.

Melissa - posted on 02/19/2010

True Traci but that whats make these fun, is because people do get all huffed up for no reason really. I mean were all strangers who cares what we all think.

Traci - posted on 02/19/2010

*shrugs* I've been following it pretty much since it started, but it's obvious that no one wants to have an open minded exchange of ideas, everyone would rather just sit around and say how they are right and everyone else is wrong.



I actually had a nice comment posted to make my contribution, then I realized that I had to sleep last night, and I didn't feel like sitting up stuck to this screen watching WWIII happen over co-sleeping. It hasn't been much of a debate... more like a pissing match.



edit: Plus, for me, this topic is like beating a dead horse that's been baking in the sun til only the skeleton remains. I've had this argument, I've had this debate, I've taken my licks over my choice to co-sleep, and quite frankly, I don't feel I need to defend my choices of how my child sleeps in any fashion. And that's what these 'discussions' always come to, everyone getting all huffed up and defensive.

Amie - posted on 02/19/2010

LOL! I find it funny that you [Traci] have not contributed to this debate at all... other than to come in and try to flame Sharon for talking to her family about someone skewing their culture. /:)



And Lisa, The OP (even though I disagree with her) is fully entitled to give her opinion on co-sleeping. It doesn't matter if it's a part of the OP or if she poses the question and then answers directly after it. Either or works.

Traci - posted on 02/19/2010

I call my mother every day, but certainly not to discuss silly drama on an internet message board that has little impact on my real life.

Sharon - posted on 02/19/2010

I call my relatives fairly often. I've lived in Japan, visited frequently. I found it disturbing that I might have missed out the "norm" for Japanese culture despite all my contact.

You don't call your relatives?

The man skewed his data some how and I find THAT disturbing.

Minnie - posted on 02/19/2010

"Also Dr.James McKenna , an expert on co-sleeping, has studied globally co-sleeping practices...."



As has anthropologists Meredith Small and Katherine Dettwyler.



I'm still wondering why people think that a family bed is 'horrendous' and 'disgusting.' It's incredibly egocentric to assume that just because a practice seems strange to you that it is wrong.



You know what? I think it's pretty bad form to start off a debate in the negative. What happened to objectivity? OP right out in her title post states she is vehemently against cosleeping, that it is a 'horrendous' habit- thus the entire subject of this 'debate' is not 'is cosleeping good or bad' but 'cosleeping is bad- now you cosleepers stand up and fight for it.'

Traci - posted on 02/19/2010

You actually called Japan just to prove a point on an internet message board?



edit: INTERNETS. Still serious business.

Sharon - posted on 02/19/2010

Oh hell, she just called my mom.. ARGH!

Sharon - posted on 02/19/2010

From a Japanese- American standpoint - he's a whacko.

I just got off the phone with my cousin and she wants to know what kind of idiot is spouting that bullshit? I asked her how many of her friends were still sleeping with their parents when they were older than 10? She said NONE.

I asked if any if were sleeping with their parents NOW (she's in college) she wanted to know if I was a pervert. Now I have to copy and paste this whole stupid "co-sleeping bullshit" claim and email it to her so she doesn't tell my uncle I'm "sick".

Geralyn - posted on 02/19/2010

For you budding anthropologists... Apparently there was a study conducted in 2003 by Dr. Richard Shweder comparing Japanese and American co-sleeping practices. Here is the link: http://www.europubhealth.org/newsletter/...



Also Dr.James McKenna , an expert on co-sleeping, has studied globally co-sleeping practices....

Geralyn - posted on 02/19/2010

I agree, Cassy. The attacks back and forth make it very difficult to follow or respond. "Moronic bullshit"? It doesn't make me want to find out who the poster is responding to.... It would be a waste of time, because any potentially valid point was lost in the muck.... I don't have time for muck, I do have time for a great debate....

Cassy - posted on 02/19/2010

Wow, I am a co-sleeper. Maybe I shouldn't admit that on here though, because all you people are doing is attacking each other, rather than having a healthy debate.

Susanne - posted on 02/19/2010

Jennifer ive never had sex in the same bed not even the same room as one of my children. There are other rooms in my house including other bedrooms. When i shared a bed with my kids my husband moved to another room. My oldest child shared my bed from age 11 months to 4 years, my second child from 6 months to 3 years and my third child from 2 years to 3 years. I dont tell anyone where their child should sleep i dont see why everyones got a problem with where my kids sleep. As long as me and my husband are happy with the situation dont see why anyone else would care. Cant understand why so many people on here are telling us co sleepers that we are emotionally damaging our kids or compromising their safety. Everyone should just live and let live.