Difficult Situation

Louise O' - posted on 07/11/2012 ( 9 moms have responded )

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I Have A Son Who Is 10 Months Old. I Have Recently Moved To The Uk As My Sons "Father" Was Violent To Me. Im Only 20. I Had To Give Up My Job As I Was Terrified Travelling To Work On My Own. I Rekindled With An Ex I Had Been Serious With For 3 Years Previous To This. We Now Have Our Own Place And My Son Is Extremley Happy. My New Partner Has Been In My Sons Life Since He Was Four Months, He Provides For The Three Of Us. I Just Dont No If I Should Bring Him Up Telling Him About His Real Father, And I Dont Know How To Go About It. I Want To Figure Out The Best Way While He Is Still So Young I Dont Want Him To Hate Me. I Have Given Up Alot But I Did It For My Son I Didnt Want Him Being Brought Up In The Of Surrounding Of Violence!

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Krista - posted on 07/11/2012

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You absolutely did the right thing leaving that man. Don't ever doubt that.

Your son will need to know eventually, but I would wait to have the discussion when he's about six or seven -- old enough to understand, but not in those tumultuous teenage years. If you know of any other blended families, you can compare: "You know how your friend Bradley has his dad, but also his stepdad? Well, we're sort of the same. (Partner's name) is your REAL daddy, because he's loved you and taken care of you since you were a little tiny baby, but he isn't the daddy who actually made you in Mom's belly." And just leave it at that and see if he asks questions. If he asks why you're not with that man anymore, you can say, "He wasn't a good daddy, and he wasn't nice to Mommy, and Mommy loves you and wanted you to be with a daddy who WOULD be a good daddy and treat you well." And emphasize: "But even though (partner's name) didn't make you in Mom's belly, he loves you very, very, very much and his heart, he is absolutely your dad."

Marie - posted on 07/24/2012

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yes it was good u left. never lie to him if ur son asks bout his real father, cause that is what i did with my daughter cause i really didnt want to bad moth her real dad, but i was always afried he would come and take her away from me or worse take her and abuse her. u have a while to think bout how u are going to tell him, but i think u should sit hom down with u and his dad and tell him when u feel the time is right.

Krista - posted on 07/12/2012

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Tabitha, that's a really good point. I didn't think of that. I wouldn't necessarily talk the guy UP, if he was such a scumbag, but you could even use a neutral phase like, "He wasn't able to be with you and Mommy."

It's a fine line -- you don't want to create such a rosy picture of the guy that your son starts idealizing him. But no, you shouldn't trash him either.

Tabitha - posted on 07/11/2012

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The only thing i want to point out here is that you never bad mouth the opposite parent to your children no matter what. Don't tell him he wasn't a good daddy, or didn't want to be a daddy, it will only cause problems later in life. Start early talk about the good things about his daddy, how daddy looks like him or something to that effect. Tell him that he is sick right now so you cant be with him, but that his daddy still loves him very much. You can also tell him that a child can have more than one daddy, one daddy that made him and one daddy that raised him.Try your best to be as honest as you can for his age, but also don't scare him with the plain truth.

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Rosie - posted on 07/21/2012

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my husband has been in my childs life since he was 18 months old. his bio-dad was not in the picture at all. i made sure that he didnt' call him dad until we got married when he was 3. at around the same time, maybe he was 4, i let him know that he has two daddys and daddy chad takes care of him because the daddy who made him couldn't take care of him. it's NEVER been a problem, he's never hated me, hes never made any big deal of it at all.

now my husband was lied to about who his biological father really is, he found out when he overheard a discussion his mom and step dad were having about it at the age of 14. he was pissed as fuck, ran away, confused about why he was lied to all of his life. dont' do that to your kid. these things have a way of getting out.

Kristi - posted on 07/16/2012

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Your son will not hate you. You had to get out of there and sooner was better than later. I was about 10 when my parents told me I had a bio-dad. I didn't think too much about it at first. But, when I got older, I got pissed because I knew I was a huge accident. (my mom never treated me as if nor did she ever say anything about regerts) However, I knew she gave up college and a chance to have her own life for me. She has been/is an awesome mom.

That is where my anger came from, my sperm donor didn't think he could handle being a dad at 18 so he dumped my mom and me, like she was so ready. How dare he do that to her. My dad adopted me just a short time later. So knowing that he never had to do that, made me feel good because I felt like my mom and I were blessed to have my dad and that he chose me. Neither of them ever bad mouthed my sperm donor but I figured out he was a loser all by myself. My point is, your son will be ok and when he is grown and if you decide to tell him the real reason you aren't with his sperm donor, he will be thankful to you for keeping him safe and for raising him in a peaceful, stable, loving home. I think Krista's ideas were excellent. You don't have to bad mouth him but I would not give him any kudos either. You'd be wise to write her suggestions down and save them for when the time is right. I wish you and your family all the best!

Carrie - posted on 07/14/2012

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My son has a Dad, & he also has (had) a biological father. He's almost 11 now, & is aware of more than I would have chosen to have him aware of at this time, but his grandfather, & uncle shared his bio-dad's suicide with him when he was five. I was livid, but it was already done, so I just had to deal with it. Your son is still just a baby, & it sounds as if your current situation is wonderful for he, yourself, & your boyfriend. I personally don't think paternity should be hidden forever, but when & how you two choose to tell your son is entirely up to you guy's. You don't mention your family (parents, siblings, & so on) in your post, but if they are involved in your lives in any way, be sure they know what your intentions are regarding how & what you intend to tell him. So you aren't unpleasantly surprised like we were. I applaud your decision to make a better life for your son, & yourself, & hope the best for both of you.

Mommy - posted on 07/13/2012

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Well seeing as your son is only 10 months old, he isn't going to know what you are talking about anyway. I wouldn't call your current boyfriend "daddy" at this point, because seeing as you are not sure what will be in the future, you don't want to introduce a "father" to your son, and then have him not be the father anymore. I would say present it as it is, this man is your partner, and when your son gets older tell him about his real father. I wouldn't be graphic about the details, but just that it did not work out between the two of you, and you separated.

Michelle - posted on 07/12/2012

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When my son asked why his father and I got divorced I just told him mommy and dad fought alot and can't get along. We actually get along now and are starting to be friends again but it has been 11 years since we split. I will tell my son the truth when he is an adult if he truly wants to know or if he starts going down the same path as his dad. His dad was verbally abusive, an alcholic and committed adultry not things I want to burden my son with. I am very careful as to make sure he learns to respect woman and not see them as helpless people who need to be rescued by a man. He also has an amazing step dad who my son loves and looks up to. My hope is he will turn out like his step dad instead of like his dad but only time will tell as his dad is still very much a part of his life.

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