Do Parents Of Teens Deserve A Say?

Cyndel - posted on 03/01/2011

I'm in the south and there are a LOT of grandparents raising their teen's baby. Even years after the said teen was no longer a teen. It is very, very, very common here. Yes there are teen moms, single moms doing a great job doing it themselves with some help offered by baby's grandparents, but the majority don't really start raising their own kids until the child is school age, and sometimes not even then.

I'm sure is some places the opposite is true, but i would say about 75% of teen moms in my area give baby to grandma to raise for a few years and 'finish their own childhood with pomp and splendor', meaning underage drinking, illegal drug use, and careless sex (with anyone, with out care, or much protection often leading to yet another child for grandma to raise).

Drugs are the main problem here though, I just moved out of one of the biggest meth producing counties in the US...so not kidding, I can think of several meth houses off the top of my head. Our drug force is so over worked it is crazy.

Any way, I think the parents should have some say but not the final word. Unless the child is in no way taking care of herself and could cause serious problems with baby that G-ma will have to deal with while T-mommy is having fun with friends. I think it is a case by case issue.

Cyndel - posted on 03/01/2011

If the girl is under age 16 I think the parents should have some say. But not full say. And under 16 I think a parent should be present at all prenatal visits, to give advice and support, after all she is still a child in-spite of her carrying a child.

Whitney - posted on 02/28/2011

yes parents do deserve a say. I was 16 when I had my daughter and I had no clue as to what to do. I depended solely on my parents for finacial stability. They deservecd a say they had to raise me and decided help me raise my child.

Jayde - posted on 02/24/2011

Christina, IF it were my daughter i would never force something like an amnio that is completely not needed & dangerous for the baby, i'm not that irresponsible. Also, i haven't said anywhere that parents should be the ones to sign any forms, nor have i said anything about HOW she should give birth.

I'm sure you were one of the responsible ones that i mentioned in my post but like i said parents ultimately don't have rights to dictate anything. IMO though, I think they should get their SAY & for it to be acknowledged. AGE definitely should come in to account, like many ladies have said on here, there's a great difference to a 13year old or 17 year old having a baby.



EDIT TO ADD: I was more talking about teens with addictions or haven't a care or clue where the parents should be aloud to step in.

My mum was pregnant with me when she was 17 & she instantly quit smoking (she took it up again after she finished breastfeeding & she's a heavy smoker & is still smoking at 42). You can quit addictions if you make the decision to - if your child is more important to you than yourself, you can do it. There are just too many people (all ages) who put their own "needs" before their childs & it makes me sad.. but that's a different topic.

Candyce - posted on 02/24/2011

@ Alexis - as far as keeping the child, I fully agree with you. No one has the right to make that choice for you, but your parents can give you the benefit of their own experiences and wisdom. If my son or stepdaughter had a child as a teen (god forbid), I would more than likely encourage them to keep him/her. If they knew they weren't prepared for parenthood (what average teen is? I sure wasn't and I was already 18 and been on my own for a year), then I would consider raising the child myself. I couldn't condone an abortion though.

Blessed Be

Alexis - posted on 02/24/2011

I would say no, however I would like for a parent to be there to support their child and give advice to them. In most cases it will be the parent they look to for this. I know I watched a show (I believe it was 16 and pregnant) and the young mom was still with the dad and they wanted to keep the child, but the girls parents pushed their opinions onto her to put the child up for adoption and they did. The young couple seemed soo heart broken over it. I know it would have been hard for them but they could have done it and they had more going for them as teen parents than most. I would have liked to see the parents give more support in those situations and advice when needed. I also couldnt imagine someone else, parent or not, choosing for me if I can keep my own child or not. I couldnt imagine giving up my child and many parents would think they are doing the best thing by making their daughters give the child up or have an abortion. I say its the teen moms choice.

Candyce - posted on 02/24/2011

I'm in Texas, so legally, a child could receive prenatal care without parental consent. However, the child still lives in my house and eats my food, so whether Uncle Sam is stupid enough to allow a kid to control decisions that affect not only her, but her entire family (including that new child), doesn't really matter. Like I've mentioned earlier, if you're that grown, then get the hell out. I love my kids and would do the best I could for them, which means I, as the mature parent, would not allow them to do something so foolish as to attempt to control medical care that they know nothing of. What does an average child know of fetal development? Medical procedure? The costs involved? And if that child is under 17, you're damn skippy I'm calling the shots!

Blessed Be

Alecia - posted on 02/24/2011

With that being said, i wouldnt force anything on my daughter (i never got an amnio and never would) unless she was refusing to go to dr's appointments. if she was 13 and doing that, then hell yes, i would drag her ass to the dr's and make sure the baby was healthy. but otherwise id try to guide her and give her advice. and though id help her with the baby if she wanted, i would not raise it. thats her responsibilty.

Alecia - posted on 02/24/2011

depends on my childs age. if my daughter was 12-13 instead of 17-18 then i would keep her in the dark about the laws and tell her i have the right to make the decisions. at that age they wouldnt know any different anyway (of course if my daughter gets pregnant at 13 she'll have alot more to deal with than me making her medical desicions....). i can understand why the law is what it is, but most 13 yr olds (especially if they are having sex) just cant make the right choices...and at 13 they cant even get a job legally so since id be the one paying for everything, id have the ultimate say.

Christina - posted on 02/23/2011

Jayde, granted, but a parent allowed to dictate her teenagers prenatal care does not mean if that teenager smokes she will quit.
If the mother and daughter have a good relationship, the daughter is going to listen to her mom when it comes to her prenatal care. If they don't, then sometimes it is better that the teen is allowed to dictate her own medical care; after all, she will be making all the medical decisions for the baby once the baby is born, NOT the grandparents. In my case as a pregnant teenager, it was a good thing I had complete control over my medical care. My mom would have forced tests on me that could have caused me to miscarry my son; I went into preterm labor when I was just 31wks pregnant, and had to take myself to the hospital because my mom was working. I was allowed to sign all my own paperwork so they could stop my labor. I couldn't get ahold of my mom. If I hadn't been allowed to sign my own paperwork, then my son would have been born 9wks early! Also, my mom would have refused to allow me to have an epidural during delivery. Again, that is something I wanted, and opted to get, and would not have been able to if my mom had control over my prenatal care.

Christina - posted on 02/23/2011

Candyce, you might want to check your state laws. If your teenager gets pregnant, you might not be allowed any say over her medical care, no matter what.

Candyce - posted on 02/23/2011

ABSOLUTELY!!! Especially in the case of pregnancy. If you're grown enough to have sex and you're grown enough to make your own medical decisions, then you're grown enough to get your own place, raise your own child, and pay for your own medical care. Teenagers are still not adults and simply don't have the necessary knowledge or processing skills to make the wisest decisions. That's the whole point of having parents!!!! It's not the wisest decision to have sex before you're an adult, because a child is not prepared to deal with the adult consequences (children, risk of stds, emotional ties, etc). If my child or his doctor try to deny me influence in his medical care, damn skippy I'm finding a new doctor. That's bullshit, no offense.

Blessed Be

Jayde - posted on 02/22/2011

I totally agree with you Christina, you're right but we're talking specifically about Teens.

Laura Zoey - posted on 02/22/2011

Or does it??? :)

Christina - posted on 02/22/2011

Jayde, women who are not teenagers smoke and drink while they are pregnant. Doesn't mean they shouldn't be allowed to make their own medical decisions.

Jayde - posted on 02/21/2011

I think it simply comes down to case-by-case- down to the individual.
You need to consider their:
AGE
MATURITY
RESPONSIBILITY
& DECISIONS MADE....

If the teen is very ill-informed, & abusing her baby eg smoking, drinking, drugs or whatever then the parents should get to step in
BUT
if the teen is asking questions & TRYING her hardest to become educated about being pregnant & is doing everything she can that's in the best interest of her BABY then the parents should butt out...

MOST mothers of a pregnant daughter want what's best for their daughter & grandchild but ultimately don't have the final say in anything.

Even though there can be extremely sad & or frustrating situations i think if the mother is guiding her daughter & helping (not bossing) then she can at least say she's done what she could.

TEENS/ANYBODY who are going to make big girl decisions to have sex have to deal with big girl consequences & grow up! (Not talking about teens who plan to have a baby just ones who are irresponsible & upset about it).....

Christina - posted on 02/21/2011

I had no financial help with my son's expenses. I breastfed, but refused to do cloth diapers. However, I cut coupons, bought on sale, ect. My mom bought less than two months worth of supply of diapers for me for my oldest child. I was smart and started buying diapers while I was pregnant to help off set my cost.

Jaime - posted on 02/21/2011

I agree Laura. It does cost a lot to have a baby...but if you plan and budget accordingly you can find some great deals. I have had to do that myself, and even though I'm on assistance right now, I am able to budget in a way that leaves me with a bit of money left over at the end of each month. It's not much money, but if I want to rent a movie, or go out for coffee with friends, I'm able to. In Canada (not sure where you are) parents are allotted one year of maternity leave that can either be used by one parent only or split between both. I think that should apply everywhere and then teen moms would have a better chance (as you said) to bond properly with their child, and then focus on school and work after that first year. Parenting classes and counseling is key to help them understand the huge responsibility of parenting...but it is possible. We can't just pick and choose when our teens should be responsible...they need to have it to learn it, and if we take it away when WE think they shouldn't have it, then they will never be accountable for their actions and the consequences will likely negatively impact them further. I don't like the idea of teenagers being parents to begin with...which is another reason I support the choice to abort. Teenagers should never want to be parents...they just aren't experienced enough in life and I find it sad that their adolescence comes to such an abrupt halt. Children are awesome and having children should always leave a positive impact on someone's life...but so often it doesn't...and even less so when it comes to teen pregnancy. Here's hoping that legislation makes it possible for people to be more proactive in their life decisions...and if not, they should be given the opportunity to make the best of their situation without being forced to comply with someone else' ideas of what should happen.

Laura Zoey - posted on 02/21/2011

That sounds possible Jaime, I like the idea of mandatory classes. I also think we put too much pressure on teen moms to Finnish school and have jobs right away. The babies end up being raised by grandparents and day cares as the moms struggle to go to school and have a job and they don't ever bond as well with their baby when they aren't with the baby much!
I think a one year break from school and job would be important for a teen mom, she should be going to parenting classes, and having counseling to help her be a good mom, then after a year she re enters school, it's only one year, it doesn't mean she won't graduate, just one year behind. And a job should be included as well after the first year.
Babies really don't cost much if you plan it well, breastfeeding is free, cloth diapers are cheap in comparison, and clothes and toys can be bought second hand. Healthcare is free for pregnant women, and then free for the babies by the state, so the year without a job doesn't mean the parents have to pay for alot, the costs should be minimal if the teen is taught to breastfeed and helped to start cloth diapering and helped in finding second hand stores.

Idk, that's what I'd do if my daughter became pregnant while still a child.

Jaime - posted on 02/21/2011

"They should be helped to come to agreements, and when a situation arises where it's obvious to the third party counselor that one of the mothers is not working towards a positive goal then the state would need to step in on the behalf of the mother who does have good goals and plans."



This sounds like an amicable solution, however; who decides which of the mothers has 'good goals and plans'? What if the teenage daughter wants an abortion and her mother says no way and the doctor is on board with the mother's decision to keep the baby? What then? And I'm wondering how the State would be able to intervene? It's legal to seek an abortion up to a certain gestation, and the teenager can seek an abortion if she has her parents' consent, but her parents won't consent...and the State can't force them to consent. This is the problem that I have with intervention on the part of authority. And also why I take issue with teenagers being given all sorts of responsibility (driving, working) but once they get pregnant they are stripped of their personal bodily rights in favour of their parents' opinion that might not be in their best interest. I can understand the trepidation at letting a 12 or 13 year-old make choices about pregnancy/abortion...but ultimately these girls can't be held down and forced to comply with anyone's demands regardless of the choices being made for them. In my opinion, when teenagers get pregnant they should automatically be enrolled in parenting courses that are mandatory. If they refuse to go, then they forfeit their rights to be a parent to their child once the baby is born. If they opt to abort then they should undergo a routine round of counseling to ensure they are well aware of the risks they take when engaging in sex and also to protect their mental/emotional well being. I'm sure this is not the most favoured approach to teen pregnancy, and I would sooner teenagers decide NOT to have babies, but if they choose to keep their babies, I think it's best that they learn responsibility from the start and not be subjected to a laundry list of demands from their parents about what it takes to be a good parent and so on. The only way these kids will learn responsibility is to be given responsibility!

Laura Zoey - posted on 02/19/2011

I'd say that both the mother and the teen would need to agree and sign jointly on all medical papers. If they didn't agree then a third party person would need to be available to be assigned to the mother daughter pair to negotiate the compromises etc.
In the end I think both mothers have the right to a say. The mother of the unborn child, and the mother of the teen aged child.
They should be helped to come to agreements, and when a situation arises where it's obvious to the third party counselor that one of the mothers is not working towards a positive goal then the state would need to step in on the behalf of the mother who does have good goals and plans.

So essentially we would just need trained counselors to be assigned to situations where mother and teen will not agree or compromise.

No teen should be forced into aborting, adopting, or keeping a baby. And no mother of a teen should be forced to be an uninformed person in matters of her Childs health.

Christina - posted on 02/19/2011

What if the parents are not as understand or kind as some of you ladies on here? What if the teenager can't tell her parents due to their reactions? What if the parents try to force an abortion on their minor daughter or force procedures on her that could cause a miscarriage? If the teenager does not dictate her own prenatal care, she also would not be allowed to refuse those things happening to her.

Christina - posted on 02/19/2011

Ellen, yes, but any medical procedure done to the pregnant teen affects the teenager's child. The teen has rights to her baby, and that means dictating her own prenatal care.

Ellen - posted on 02/19/2011

The parent is the child's guardian until their 18th Birthday. Any medical procedure regarding that child, should be the responsibility of the parent.

Charity - posted on 02/18/2011

Good question! I feel that if the teen still lives at home, then her parents have the right to take matters into their hands. If the teen is on her own or with the father of the baby, then she has the right to dictate her medical care. BUT I will also say that I do not believe in abortion or abusing your body when you are pregnant (smoking, drinking, etc)!

Candi - posted on 02/18/2011

I am a military wife and I hear stories all the time from the wives about how badly they were treated by military drs b/c they look like a teen or in some cases some were teen mothers.Yes, some teens are responsible and some people never mature. Like I stated before, my cousin got married at 15 and started having children as a teen. Fully responsible, but again, she was married living with her husband. Living under your parents' roof is a different story. I don't know. I am just rambling now. lol

Jaime - posted on 02/18/2011

They might not have the final word Sherri, but they definitely have a say! I very much doubt that ANY doctor will feel comfortable treating a teenager or examining them without first explaining the procedure and answering any questions or concerns that they have. It might fall on the parents to give the final consent for tests and such, but parents don't have total control...that's bullshit!

Sherri - posted on 02/18/2011

Yes in the US a child has NO say over their medical treatment until the age of 18 it has nothing to do with insurance they can not be seen or treated unless life threatening without a parents consent. They can not even walk into a dtr's office unless a parent is present. Maybe not for all the US but in NH that is the case.

Christina - posted on 02/18/2011

Candi, I agree with you that some teenagers are not responsible enough to dictate their own prenatal care. But the day they turn 18 does not mean that these same irresponsible teens are going to mature and be ready! I was fully responsible for my own pregnancy at 17. When something felt wrong, I called my dr myself. I made all my own prenatal apts, and attended them all alone. I wrote down questions and asked. I took it very seriously.

Toni - posted on 02/18/2011

That isn't entirely true for everyone though Sherri. In the UK teenagers are able to get medical treatment without their parents knowledge, the patient-doctor confidentiality clause, I know on more than one occasion I went to my doctors alone without needing my mom to be there, it may be different in the US due to them needing medical insurance, whereas we have universal healthcare (NHS). I'm not sure where the law stands with surgery though I think minors may need parental permission for an op, but for things such as medication and contraception the teen is able to make a choice themselves as far as I am aware (I know I was able to). So I don't see why it should be any different for teenagers if they are pregnant, they should get to decide their own maternity care and needs, so long as they are not endangering themselves or the baby.

The maturity arguement seems void to me because there are plenty of people who were too immature to not get pregnant accidently, hell, my SIL got pregnant by accident at 42 yo, as did her mom and her granny (all at 42), they aren't immature teens they know about contraception yet they all failed to use it properly. Yes teenagers may need guidance but so do many first time mums, why should teens get their parental rights superceded just because they are younger than most would prefer them to be?

Sherri - posted on 02/18/2011

Okay but if this child wasn't pregnant they wouldn't have any say over their medical care until their 18th b-day so why does pregnancy change that?



Also Amnios are not routine they are usually recommended for mom's over 35 or for mom's that had tests that came back abnormal.



By the way children can not join the armed forces until they are 18. They only way they can join early is with a parent's permission for early enrollment.

Candi - posted on 02/18/2011

I just don't think most teenagers are responsible enough to be in full control of a pregnancy. First of all, it is irresponsible to become pregnant as a teenager. I know, people are going to hate me for saying that. Why do you think there are restrictions on other things such as tattoos, body piercings, driving a car, countless other things? Just imagine if 15 yr olds could get a tattoo. Do you know how many kids would walk around with a list of names on them., Hello Kitty, and other silly stuff? Teenagers need help, support, and guidance from parents. Maybe the parents think they messed up raising that child and are trying to make up for it by helping with the grandchild. Who knows? But I do believe parents should be involved when it comes to teen pregnancy. Too many shows are making it look glamorous and exciting to be a teen mom. This may lead young girls to think if they get pregnant, they will be on TV. I say to parents, turn off the TV and talk to your children!!

Christina - posted on 02/18/2011

Good point Jaime. We are allowing 16yr old to drive cars, graduate HS, join the armed forces, but we don't think they should be allowed to dictate their own medical care if they become pregnant?

Jaime - posted on 02/18/2011

As much as it's a tough pill to swallow...a teenager should have a say over their own body. No one should ever be forced to do anything against their will...but I do understand some circumstances might warrant such an act with younger kids. But, as many people have pointed out, if we are giving our teenagers (some at the age of 14) license to operate a vehicle, why then are we going to turn around and say that they are not old enough to make decisions about their body? We're likely not going to agree with much (if at all) of their choices, but it's not our right to step in and force compliance from them.

Candi - posted on 02/18/2011

I had 3 kids and never had an amnio done. However, I know ladies in their early 20s who had DRs "insisting" they get it done! Not me. My sister was 38 when he baby was born and she had one done. I don't see the point, but some people seem to do whatever their DR says without question.

April - posted on 02/18/2011

i do not know if I would use the terms "respectful" and "appreciative" as reasons why a teen girl should let her mom make prenatal decisions. It's HER BODY. It's not a matter of owing your parents anything. Those terms may apply to living under your parent's roof, but I don't know that I would cite them as reasons why parents should have a say in prenatal care.

Mary Renee - posted on 02/17/2011

This is a confusing question.

I think that if you're living with your parents and you're requiring them to PAY for your medical care and room and board then you owe it to them to give their say a little respect. I'm sorry, but if you're repeatedly getting pregnant as a teenager then maybe you should listen to your parents.

That said though, I wouldn't get an amnio done either. I thought they only gave those to women over 35? I kind of have to agree with the doctor in the OP opinion. When the mother said "But she's my child and she's a minor" and the doctor said something along the lines of "yeah, but the child she's carrying isn't yours." That's a good point.

So yeah, if you're depending on your parents for money and financial support and health care and food and shelter...you should be respectful and appreciative. But if your parents are trying to get you to have unnessary tests that crosses the line.

Sherri - posted on 02/17/2011

I really don't see what is different because if said girl wasn't pregnant she would have no say over medical anything until she was at least 18. Couldn't even be seen by a doctor unless parents were present and signed consent forms and authorized any and all treatment. So I am not sure why that suddenly changes if she is pregnant. She is still the same kid that she was a month ago that couldn't authorize any medical treatment but now a month later is pregnant and can authorize all of it. I seem to think this is hugely flawed.

Jenny - posted on 02/17/2011

Having control over your body is fundamental human right. No law trumps that in my mind. It is the ONLY thing is this world that is yours and yours alone.

I believe parents have every right to opinions, advice, guidance, freak outs etc. but the final decisions lies with the person with a fetus inside them and nobody else.

Teresa - posted on 02/17/2011

Candi, that tells me that your kids trust you and your decisions (even the ones they may not agree w/). Some kids aren't so lucky though which could be quite dangerous if THOSE parents got to dictate the prenatal care.

Candi - posted on 02/17/2011

My 12 yr old son was reading over my shoulder and saw the question. His response was "sure parents have a say b/c the teenager is still a minor. She is in their care until she reaches 18, therefore the parents have every right to do what needs to be done for her and that unborn baby." This was coming from a 12 yr old boy. My 10 yr old daughter just thinks teenagers are too young for children/ hope they keep those thoughts. lol

Meghan - posted on 02/17/2011

I haven't read all of the responses and I have a son who is only 2 so I can't fully say how I would react. But I would like to think that I would let her make her own choices. I would try to give her every bit of information that I have and seek out every other bit of information that is out there. Unless she was being reckless, I don't see the need for me to dictate an already stressful situation-after all, where I live, we allow teens to start operating motor vehicles at 16 (other provinces allow it at 14.) If we allow teens to be in control of those situations, they should have full say over their own bodies, imo.

Christina - posted on 02/16/2011

All I know is that if my mom had been allowed to dictate my prenatal care, my son might not be here. I was 17, had already graduated HS, working full time, and began school to become a nurse when my son was 8mnths old. No first time mom knows what to expect. However again, if she can not control her prenatal care, disastrous things can happen, like the girl I know losing her son.

Tah - posted on 02/16/2011

I agree with that candi...i had been around babies forever, so the caring for them was second nature to me, it was the being pregnant I didn't know anything about, I'm glad my mom was there to be an advocate when I needed one, she went to the first appt to meet the dr etc, give a history of anything she knew that I didn't about childhood illness etc, but my sons father and I went on our own unless I needed her to advocate for me or she felt I was being slighted, which sometime I was because my dr was rude about me even being pregnant. I appreciated her helping me through the pregnancy and am glad she was there..

Tah - posted on 02/16/2011

I understood what she meant about not even being able to choose his outfit, she wouldn't even let her take him to see the fireworks, she is definitely not going to make getting him back easy..my mom, who never acts anything like her mom asked for custody of my son for insurance.....HA...I took my happy tail down to social services and got him insurance until I got a good enough job with good benefits...I knew she didn't like his dad, and if I gave her custody I could see her trying to make trouble with him seeing the baby, he might be an a hole, but he has always been in our sons life...

Candi - posted on 02/16/2011

I don't watch shows about teen moms. Tah, I applaud you for being a responsible mom. My cousin's dad was a mean alcoholic, so she got married at the age of 15 in order to get away from him. She had her first baby not long after that. Sshe and her husband (close to her age) did very well for themselves. They got their own place and both went to school, college and got great jobs. All together they raised 3 kids and had a great life. Some teens make it work. Some can't figure it out. I was also changing diapers and preparing bottles at a young age. I had a lot of cousins. A lot of little girls like to take on a "mommy" role and its so much better with a real baby. I knew how to dress babies without hurting them and I could rock a baby to sleep like a pro, but I know as a teen I would not have been able to do as much for my child as I did as an adult. Believe me, if my daughter is irresponsible enough to get pregnant, I will take her to her DR appts, make sure she takes her vitamins, eats right, etc. Its hard enough being a mom to a healthy baby. The last thing someone needs is to be a single mom to a baby with lots of health problems b/c you didn't know how to take care of yourself during pregnancy

Sherri - posted on 02/16/2011

I really feel for Jenelle that poor girl doesn't even feel loved. It is extremely sad to watch as her mom calls her a hoar, useless and basically worthless. She tries to raise her son she gets punished, she doesn't help for fear of getting punished and gets kicked out.

Tah - posted on 02/16/2011

I was just gonna say that, I think her mom wants to control her through jace and she instigates a lot of crap between them...

April - posted on 02/16/2011

I agree, Sherri! She never talks to Jenelle without yelling at her and I think she plays games! She won't let Jenelle do anything with Jace and then turns around and yells at her for not doing anything. I think Jenelle is the way she is because her mom is a bad mom!

Sherri - posted on 02/16/2011

I think Jenelle could be a great mom but her mom is a friggin crack pot. I would love to smack that woman upside her head. She is mean and nasty and why she thinks she is going to do better the second time around is beyond me.