Getting Married just becsue your having a baby?

Gelaine - posted on 06/11/2010

I think that you should be married before you have children, but then again, I had a child when i was unwed and 18... I am very glad, however, that I did not marry my daughters father.. it would have been more harm than good, and would not have lasted.. I am now very happily married to someone else, and he is a much better father than her biological one (who can hardly spend 24 hours with her and not complain).

Shalaina - posted on 06/10/2010

Were you planning to marry sometime?

It is a horrible reason to get married, especially if you were not already planning on it. NEVER 'stay for the kids', nobody is happy that way! My bff didn't marry her baby's daddy, thank God. He is a horrible person and she now has found her love and has a date set!



I also agree that marriage should come first. Doesn't always happen that way! We did have sex before married (each others first and only partner) even though I was planning on waiting. We decided we wanted a child after we had been married for a year (together for four!)



Shavaune Croy - Spouse = Husband/Wife

Zoe - posted on 06/10/2010

I agree it is silly. me and my partener have been together for nearly 5 years and our son is 18 months. we was 5 month off getting married when i found out i was pregnant an i instantly called the whole thing off as i would have not fit into my dress. People keep telling me i should have gone ahead but i didn't want to wear anything else but my dress and i din't want people thinking we were married because i was preg

Julia - posted on 06/10/2010

AHHH...ok well...Here is my take on it.

Getting married because you are pregnant is stupid. PERIOD

I got married when I was 4 months pregnant...but he asked me before we found out that I was pregnant...hell before we even thought that I might be.

Did the pregnancy jump up our marriage date? In a way it did we were deployed to Iraq so instead of getting married in March or April when we redeployed we were able to get married in Nov when he came home on his R&R.

Would we have still gotten married? Yes.

Would we still be together if we hadn't had a child? I don't know but we are and we are happy....now.

Alison - posted on 06/10/2010

I think it is stupid to get married because someone else thinks you should and stupid to tell other people what they should do.

Personally, I find there is no stronger bond than having a child together. I am all for marriage and commitment, but it really has to be what you want.

Jessica - posted on 06/10/2010

What is the saying..."If it ain't broke, don't fix it"? Get married when, and if, you want to. Regarding the last name. I am married, but didn't take my husband's last name. So, my son and husband both have a different last name than me.

Kayla - posted on 06/10/2010

I was in your same position! Me and my now fiance were together for a year, moved in together then a month later conceived! (funnny timing!) Throughout my pregnancy everyone asked and gave their opinions on marriage. It was suffocating! We truly loved each other but we just wanted to focus on having a healthy baby. After our daughter was born same issue. Again we wanted to focus on raising a healthy child not marriage. When it was our time, it would happen. We both witnessed pretty bad divorces w/ our parents so we were slighty nervous about the whole ordeal. It didn't help that his mother would always introduce me to her friends as his 'wife'...I was like nooo i'm his girlfriend and there's nothing wrong with that...Well that being said he suprised me on our 3 year aniversay and purposed! I said yes of course but to each their own and it will happen when the time is right! Good luck and don't let others get you down! In the end it's your life and relationship not theirs!

Sherri - posted on 06/10/2010

I think if you are going to stay with this person anyways you should get married. I feel if possible everyone should have the same name. I know someone that has been with her boyfriend for almost 10 yrs they have two kids. I feel they should be married. However, to get married just because you are having a baby no I don't think so. Only if you were planning on staying with this person anyways.

Be prepared you will probably always be looked down upon for it by somebody if you choose not to get married. A lot of people have very strong opinions about this. I was not married to my husband when I had my 1st. My family was so embarrassed that they offered to pay for the wedding a year early than we had planned. We agreed and got married a full year earlier than was planned when my son was 7 mo's old. It was right for us though we now have been married 13 happy years (or mostly happy LOL!!) We were judged A LOT by a A LOT of people when we were not married. I was thrilled to be married so we all had the same name (my son had my husbands name) and I felt more like a family.

Amanda - posted on 06/09/2010

Don't. Our daughter was created after we were married, and I'm glad for that. Now I don't ever have to wonder if my husband asked me to marry him simply because I'm the mother of his daughter.
If you are happy the way you are, then you do not need to get married just because someone else says so. It doesn't matter what her last name is in comparision to yours or his, what matters is that she's being raised by two people who love her dearly and are committed to rasing her right.
Good luck to the three of you! I'm sure you'll do well!

Suzette - posted on 05/16/2010

Teresa, my mom didn't wait either and she married her first real boyfriend. (The first guy she dated was just a stupid little thing where all they did was hold hands.) She got married at 16 and I wasn't born until she was 18, my brother followed when she was 22. So they didn't get married for kids, but she says if she had to do it over again, she wouldn't have had sex until after marriage either. I know I would've waited and not had sex with the partners prior to my husband. But, like you and my mother, I was too curious. I think a lot of women are that way, well not just women, lol. =)

But, at the same time, I don't think it's right for anyone to get married for the child... I do agree with you that it's right to try to make the relationship work to whatever degree necessary. Unfortunately there are too many people out there who just give up too easily.

Teresa - posted on 05/16/2010

Just realized that my earlier post could've been taken that the kids were why we got married, so just wanted to add that they didn't come til a year and 4 months after the wedding. ;)

Teresa - posted on 05/16/2010

Suzette, My now ex husband is the only person I've ever dated (other than a week in 10th grade which counts for nothing... only went as far as a kiss on the cheek and THAT was the main reason I 'dumped' him cuz it was too much...). We didn't wait. He had a LOT more experience and I was too curious and weak. It was definitely a mistake, but not one that I can regret since w/out that... we never would've gotten married and I wouldn't have my 3 wonderful children.



It is a mistake that I will never repeat though.

Suzette - posted on 05/16/2010

@Teresa,

I'm not sure how you did things with partners before your ex, but I did have sex with partners before my ex. I was always extremely careful though. (Yes, I know things could've happened, they just didn't, I never got pregnant.) When my husband and I got together, we agreed no sex until after marriage. I couldn't say for sure why, we just wanted it that way. So I can understand where you're coming from in that belief. =)

@ Marisa,
I think you should follow what your beliefs are. Don't listen to anyone telling you to marry because of your child(ren). Everyone has a different belief about these things. Yours and your significant others are what matters. If you're not ready for marriage yet, then don't do it. It could just turn your relationship for the worst if you do. And you definitely don't want that for either yourselves or your kiddo(s). ;)

Meghan - posted on 05/16/2010

my advise DON'T DO IT! I did because in my nieve little mind I thought things would change. Even worse they weren't really that great to begin with. To be fair though I did love him and I did want things to work but lesson learnt!! There is nothing wrong with being common law. Your baby is still going to know who their parents are regardless of a piece of paper!

Celia - posted on 05/14/2010

I do think its stupid to get married just because you have a baby. I am not married and I was going to give the baby my last name but ended up changing my mind and giving him my guys last name as a gift. I wanted to make sure no one questioned the fact that he was the father.

I am his mother, thats a given when you see me breastfeeding him or the way he leaps to get to mommy, or the "mom mom mom mom" and I have the c-section scar to prove it!. But what about when we meet new people or the school teacher and they notice my sons last name and my guys last name differ. They may assume he is the step dad... I never wanted that for him, I realized that more than marriage my giving our son his last name was the biggest gift I had to give.

Krista - posted on 05/13/2010

Poor Teresa -- I've noticed that you've been doing that lately. There's no need for you to be so hesitant or to worry about our reactions. We all know you well enough by now to know that you're totally not judgmental, so I'm sure none of us will jump all over you if you state your opinion, even if it's not in agreement with the rest of us godless heathens. ;-)

Teresa - posted on 05/13/2010

Marisa, that's why I'm not sure how to answer the question. Do I think someone should get married JUST because they have a baby? No, just like I don't think people should stay married JUST because they have a baby. I do think the kids are worth making the commitment for and working like crazy to KEEP the commitment.



And yes, I'm very well aware of the fact that you can have a 100% committed relationship and never get married, but in my beliefs the wedding comes before the sex so obviously would come before the kids. I know I have very unpopular beliefs that are definitely in the minority and I'm not telling anyone else what to do, but I have to answer the questions in these debates w/ what my beliefs are. :)



And why do I feel like I have to give that disclaimer everytime I answer something......? lol!

Amber - posted on 05/13/2010

I've been with my son's dad for about 5 years. I don't feel the need to be married. I'm still young and have a lot of growing to do (I'm only 23). We live together, love our child, respect each other, and have a good relationship.
When we feel like we're in a place to get married we will. I just have a few things that I want to do first, and so does he. We're only about 2 years away from being done with our schooling..so maybe we'll have time then.
March to the beat of your own drum and tell them all to shove it :)

Sarah - posted on 05/13/2010

Marriage is a celebration NOT an obligation.

That's exactly what i trying to say Loureen!! You just said it way better! LOL! :)

Charlie - posted on 05/12/2010

Marriage is a celebration NOT an obligation .



Do it when it feels right .



The most beautiful thing i ever heard was my friends , parents story , he always wanted to get married , she loved him with all her heart but didn't see marriage as a vital component of their relationship , they made a compromise , if they were still together and still in as much love if not more by the time they were 50 ( their birthday is the same week) she would marry him , well last year they turned 50 and they are getting married to celebrate their long lasting and ever growing love with the help of their whole family , children and grandchildren all together .



Personally i think their way of doing it is much more meaningful and beautiful than the traditional way .

Marisa - posted on 05/12/2010

Thakns i agree with u all. we will get married when we feel the time is right.
@teresa so do u think they should.? sometime people have slip up ya know :)

Teresa - posted on 05/12/2010

I'm pretty sure everyone already knows that I think people should be married before having a baby, so I'm not quite sure how to answer this one......

Sarah - posted on 05/12/2010

We didn't get married until 3 years after my eldest was born.
I would never have got married just because we'd had a baby, didn't think my husband was the marrying type at all to be honest! lol!

You should get married to celebrate your love for each other and that's it. Or not get married at all if you're not bothered! (if that makes sense!)

Heather - posted on 05/12/2010

I dont think anyone should get married for any reason other than you love each other and want to spend the rest of your life together. It is so much easier to get married than it is to get divorced, as I am sure you know (I have always thought it should be the other way around)

I have been with my sons father for 2 years now, and when we met I was separated and living in a different state than my husband, he would not give me a divorce and I was in the process of fighting that..when he died! I want to get married because I love my Jason...he is the best man I have ever known, even with his flaws :) I dont want my former husbands last name anymore, I want to have the same last name as my honey and my baby...I really liked being married, i just didnt like who I married to. We are getting married in July and I can't wait...but its because we are in love, and not just for the baby, although I do want us to be a proper family.

April - posted on 05/11/2010

Marisa, i don't think you should get married unless both of you actually want to. I don't agree with getting married just because you have a child...sometimes that ends in divorce because the couple really didn't want to be married in the first place. I am unsure of the statistic, but i think it's pretty high.

Jenny - posted on 05/11/2010

Your relationship with your partner is seperate from your relationship with your kids or all of you as a family. Anyone who tells you that you need to get married because of a baby can suck eggs. I'm happily UNmarried. I've been with my partner for ten years and we have two beautful kids together.

Megan - posted on 05/11/2010

I know exactly how you feel i had my daughter on april 16th me and her father have been together for three years and are happy the way things are but ppl keep asking when we are going to get married that its the right thing to do she needs married parents....my ass we will be just as good of parents married or not you know just tell them hey its my life my daughter and i will get married when i feel its right not when you do and not just because we have a child thats stupid.

Nikki - posted on 05/11/2010

I don't think that it makes a difference, I got married before I had a baby but it didn't change anything for us, I can't imagine that our lives would be any different if we didn't.

Tah - posted on 05/11/2010

i don't think babies benefit from parents who are married and hate each other....were you going to be married anyway?...

Melissa - posted on 05/11/2010

I totally agree with you, if you and the father are happy the way things are right now, stay that way.

Lyndsay - posted on 05/11/2010

I agree, a baby is not a good enough reason to get married. I understand some people are religious, or whatever, but I don't subscribe to that nonsense and I think that if you all are happily unmarried then having a child is no reason to rush things.

Shavaune - posted on 05/11/2010

I've been with my spouse for 14 years and people STILL ask when were getting married!! And my kids have their father's last name so that's not an issue (you can still do that if you live in Canada anyways) We have never planned on getting married and I honestly don't even see the point. We plan on being together for many many years to come and he is still the best friend I have had and probably will ever have.
We had our first 2 very young and instead of wasting money on a wedding we just chose to go to collage, buy a vehicle and a house and spend our money on our family. Honestly I think sometimes people ask in my family just so they can go to a wedding LOL I'm Irish so I have a huge family and they just love to party together. My spouse is Native American and to them if you live together and have a kid you are married by default. If you want to get divorced then kick his ass out and there you go, your divorced! LOL His family called me his wife as soon as our first son was born.

LaCi - posted on 05/11/2010

pft. I think it's silly to get married just because you're having a baby. Obviously, I didn't bother ;)

I'm much more likely to get married over... insurance. Unless my future employer offers insurance to domestic partners, in which case I might not bother at all ;D We're happy, we're stable, we're committed. No real desire or feeling of necessity to get married in our case. Some people just aren't into it. To each their own!

Amy - posted on 05/11/2010

I agree, I think it's stupid! You get married because you expect to spend the rest of your life with the person. Some people who still plan to spend the rest of there lives together don't get married because they just don't think it's necessary, and I don't see why anyone should be "forced" into marriage.

And you said you aren't ready to be married, you will know when your ready! Stick to your gut and wait until you truly are ready to be married, who know's maybe you'll even be able to have your daughter be a flower girl and just make her day?

Krista - posted on 05/11/2010

Tell other people to piss up a stump. If you and your fellow have a stable, committed, happy relationship, then that's the most important thing. If you decide to get married later, then that's totally cool as well. But don't do it because of societal pressure or because you think you "should" do it. Do it only when it feels natural and right for both of you.

Ashley - posted on 05/11/2010

My son is 2 1/2 and I am currently due with our second in June. I have no regrets not getting married b/c of our son. Yes our names are different but our love is very strong.
I have had some people tell me I am not providing a stable home for our children but one of these people did marry for her son and she is miserable and is hardly home with her husband, they lead 2 seperate lives and she only stays with him b/c it is what is right for her son... they are obviously unhappy and sooner or later her boy is going to pick up on it.!
I am happy everyday, love being with my boyfriend and I wont ruin that with other pressure.
We do plan to marry one day when financially we are ready (which means we want a house and a future first) but if we never do I think we will be just as happy.

Marisa - posted on 05/11/2010

yeah i think we will get married when we are ready. we are very happy. i just hate people sayin we must marry cuse of our child lol

Rosie - posted on 05/11/2010

stupid thing to do if you ask me. but it's also stupid to stay with someone for that long if you don't want to marry them (if you're the marrying type that is, some people never want to get married and that's fine) just cause you have a kid together as well. i hate seeing someone in relationship that they're unhappy in, stay, just because they have a child together. leave, and make yourself happy, your child will thank you for it in the long run.
oh, i just realized that this sounded like i was talking about you marisa, and i wasn't, just had someone i know in mind with that one, sorry. :)

Meghan - posted on 05/11/2010

I think that is one of the MOST horrible reasons to get married...I hate it when someone I know gets preggers then a week later shes got a ring on her finger...

Cynthia - posted on 05/11/2010

I don't think it's necessary, I think that way of thinking is old-fashioned. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years, we have a 9 month old daughter, and we have no plans of getting married anytime soon. As a divorcee, I am in no rush to get married again, and don't know if I ever will. My grandma looks down on us, and even had the nerve to say (while I was pregnant) that it wasn't good news I was pregnant, it was a "bad situation", because we weren't married. (Plus she doesn't like my boyfriend, but that's her problem.) As a result of this (on top of some very hurtful words she said about my mom and my sister), I don't speak to her anymore, and that doesn't bother me. We take care of our daughter just fine, and marriage wouldn't change anything. So don't do it just because you have pressure to. If people have issues with you not being married, that's their problem, not yours. :)

Good Day! - posted on 05/11/2010

Would you have gotten married anyway, or are you still together because of the baby?



I have a friend with a 2 and half year old and in your same situation. She wears a band on her ring finger and her co-workers and moms at playgroup don't know the difference. And her friends and family are okay with it.