How do you tell your friend that her spouse needs to go?

Amber - posted on 04/23/2010 ( 15 moms have responded )

1,909

13

144

I have a couple of friends who are always telling me about the stupid (and sometimes unbelievable) things that their spouse does. Some are married, some are unmarried, some with kids, and some without.
I find it incredibly frustrating to listen to them complain day in and day out. If I have to hear another friend tell me that their spouse calls them fat, or yells, or curses at them, or refuses to help with the children, or calls them horrible names, or they think he might be cheating, or he flirts with women in front of them-I swear I'm going to scream!!! They come to me for advice, but refuse to take my advise.
Two of my friends (well one I'm no longer friends with) are no longer allowed to speak to me about their spouses. Everytime they say something, I refuse to talk about it. I find it hard to respect them and be friends with them when they do not expect the person who is supposed to love them the most respect them!
I am a strong, independent woman who has never allowed any man to mistreat me. I am completely out of my element and do not understand this.
Does anybody else have friends like this? How do you handle them?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Brandi - posted on 04/26/2010

172

8

12

I don't think I've had a friend like that since high school, lol. But anyway, I personally wouldn't allow myself to get emotionally involved with it. I would just be there to listen when they need me to do so, tell them what I'd personally do, and that would be that. I'd ban myself from thinking about it any further.

[deleted account]

I don't think people are always looking for advice when they confide in a friend. Sometimes they are just looking for an understanding friend who will listen to them while they vent. I'm not saying that it's wrong to offer advice to venting friends at all, but I wouldn't let it affect the friendships just because they decide not to act on it.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

15 Comments

View replies by

Amber - posted on 04/26/2010

1,909

13

144

I think that I need to clarify a little for some people. This isn't just complaining about stupid, unimportant things every once in a while. This is major things that are done on a very regular basis. One of them works and pays a babysitter while her spouse does nothing but play video games, drink, and hang out with friends EVERY day. He rarely ever has the kids, tells her that he doesn't care about her, and then asks her for money. She comes to me and says "I don't know what to do anymore." And I hear this just about every week....every time she starts telling me a new story, I lose even more respect for her. He treats her horribly, yells at her, and SHE pays for everything.

It is one thing to complain occasionally, because trust me I've been there, but this is beyond excessive. This isn't your normal complain to your friend situation. I'm glad to let people vent, but when you let a man treat you so badly that your friends don't even want to be around you..it's bad.

[deleted account]

Yes I have a friend who 80% of the time is moaning about her boyfriend but what I mostly get as I'm 19, nearly 20 is my friends moaning about uni work. I'm like for gods sake what did they think uni was a playgroup. Work is the main aspect of uni and you can't get a degree without working hard. I have plenty of things to moan about but do I moan to them? No because they simply wouldn;t understand lol!

Suzette - posted on 04/25/2010

1,086

29

0

Krista, I get what you're saying... I have a friend like that. I just don't say anything, I ignore it. lol

Krista - posted on 04/25/2010

12,562

16

842

I don't understand what bothers you so much. What's wrong with confiding in a friend?


It depends on the situation, April. The odd vent when your husband is doing something jerky? Sure.

But there are some women who will constantly, constantly complain about their jerk of a husband. But they won't do a blessed thing about it. Instead, they just complain, complain, complain. And after awhile, it can be really frustrating to watch this person basically sticking their finger in an electric socket over and over, and then bitching about how much it hurts when they get electrocuted.

Suzette - posted on 04/24/2010

1,086

29

0

Lyndsay, I think it's different for each friend. I also think it can be quite different for family members, siblings especially. That's just my opinion.

Lyndsay - posted on 04/24/2010

2,008

19

175

I don't think that refusing to listen to someone harp on about the same issue over and over again if they aren't doing anything to change it will affect the friendship. At least it didn't for me. My sister and I are still very close, we just do not discuss the issue of her boyfriend.

Suzette - posted on 04/24/2010

1,086

29

0

I agree with Alison P, and know this from personal experience. I have a friend who has been through some pretty rough times. Her ex boyfriend (my brother) died and we are pretty close friends. She confides in me about things and, while I don't agree with her decisions always, I once said some things that came between our friendship. We didn't speak for about 6 months until she realized that the only reason I said those things was in an effort to help her. We reconciled, yes, but I also realized her side of things. She only wanted someone to listen, I've been that person before too. Especially when I vent to my husband about things, like family. I don't want advice from him on my family, I know my family can be pretty jacked up but I can't change the fact that they're my family. It's not wrong to offer advice, as Alison P said, but I don't think it's right to allow it to affect the friendship either and to say "I'm not going to listen to you anymore" either. What would happen if you had a really craptastic day and you needed someone to just listen and you didn't want advice? Sometimes we just need to picture the shoe on the other foot, so to speak. :)

Lyndsay - posted on 04/23/2010

2,008

19

175

My sister is in an abusive relationship. The two of them beat eachother up on the regular, and they are both violent towards eachother. I have been telling her for years now to ditch this loser and move on. He's currently in jail for punching her while she was pregnant, and he's due to get out in a couple of weeks. She's had her baby now and they moved to a new place that he doesn't know about yet, they're doing good. I keep telling her that I hope she doesn't make the stupid mistake of moving him back into her house (which she insists she won't but I'm quite certain she will), but if she does then I don't want to hear about any of her horror stories because she doesn't listen to me anyway. I figure if they're going to complain about the same things over and over again, ask your advice hundreds of times and never take it, then you don't have to listen anymore. If you're providing the solution to the problem and they aren't implementing it, theres nothing you can do.

April - posted on 04/23/2010

3,420

16

263

no, i don't. but sometimes it bothers me that my husband doesn't help with our son as much as he should (but he's still a good husband in all other ways!) .



i often vent to one of my friends about this and she has ALWAYS been a good listener. never rolled her eyes or made me feel like i couldn't come to her. nor has she acted like she's tired of hearing what i have to say.



I don't understand what bothers you so much. What's wrong with confiding in a friend?

Amy - posted on 04/23/2010

206

25

30

Yes and it's my sister in law. She is constantly complaining about her husband and always telling us she's going to go file for divorce. But she doesn't and she won't listen to us. After 8 years of complaining I finally told her that until the papers were filed with the court that I didn't care anymore. I could go on all day about what this guy does and doesn't do but I'll just leave it as he's a self centered egotistical malechovanist Pig and that's putting it nicely.

If your friends won't take your advice then you need to let them know that you still care about them but you can't be involved with their personal relationships.

Jessica - posted on 04/23/2010

626

26

28

My sister was married to jack-off of a husband for 13 years and she was miserable, took me about 4 years to get her to see that she really needed to do something, she always wanted to but back down. I think unfortunatly, it's the individual that has to come to the desicion on her own, even when she knows your right. Near the end, before my sister finally stood up for herself , I told her that I pretty much didn't want to hear her complain anymore if she wasn't willing to make the changes. My sister is one of my best friends, so that was hard to say, but she understood, and finally made the changes needed.

Amber - posted on 04/23/2010

1,909

13

144

They are all well aware of how I feel. I'm not shy about telling them that their men are out of hand. And they all know that if my boyfriend (who is my son's dad) did any of those things....that they would hear the explosion from across town and I'd be back at my mothers house that night.
But even knowing that....they don't seem to care or change anything. They just keep complaining that they are jerks and refuse to make them change or leave.... UGH so frustrating.

Rosie - posted on 04/23/2010

8,657

30

315

nope don't have any friends like this thank god. of course we complain about the norm. doesn't help out enough, works too much, etc. but if any man yelled at me, flirted with another woman in front of me, told me i was fat well, lets just say, it wouldn't even happen in the first place because i don't play that way. they let it get to this point by allowing it to happen, i'd sit back and watch the fire burn. make sure they are aware (and you should probably use that same metaphor) that you feel the exact same way. hopefully that will shut them up at very least, and at the most, might get their heads out of their asses.

If you see this, leave this form field blank.
Powered by RESPECT not THUMPS

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms