How does this make you feel?
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Lady - posted on 02/27/2010
Well this is just another lovely artical to make us feel more than the huge amount of guilt we already feel as mothers. No I don't agree with leaving a baby to cry for hours on end but there are times when you have tried everything to tend to his needs, fed him changed him, cuddled him and nothing has worked. You know as a mother that they are tired and need to go to sleep but babies will fight it and you do need to train them. Not like animals but part of parenting is to teach your children and one of the things we have to teach them is when they are tired they have to go to sleep - not something that they always instinctivley know. Also as adults we need sleep to be able to function the next day - to be good parents and productive human beings. The chid in question may well quite happily stay up and play all night getting cuddles and attention and whatever else the author thought it needed but then fall asleep in the morning and sleep for as long as it wants during the day where as the mother probably has other children or a job or possibly just a basket full of laundry and a sink full of dishes she needs to attend to and doesn't have the luxury of going to her bed all day, so for her the child needs to sleep at night - if leaving them to cry for 5- 10 mins shows the child this, then I see no harm in it - and as I've known plenty children who have been left to do just that and none of them have attachment or abandonment issues then I think that proves my point.
Terri - posted on 03/03/2010
I think the article was stupid and I knew as soon as I read it that it wasnt true. And her comparison to "her" situation and a babies are nothing alike. I agree with Gillian, babies get overstimulated and need to learn to settle themselves. Controlled crying is different from leaving your babies screaming and vomiting for an hour.
I used it for one of my children checking on her every 5 to 10 minutes and this was after 3 weeks of no sleep. It only took 2 nights of this method to get her sleeping through the night again. She wasnt, wet or hungry, she just wanted attention.
Babies do need to be "trained" you could say in that we teach them about life. So you teach your baby to settle themselves, while letting them know you are close at hand. I never had to use it much, but any parent who has more than one child (I have 4, 8 years and under) knows that sometimes you cannot drop what you are doing to give your baby immediate attention.
My youngest will often scream at me for attention and if I am busy, within a minute or 2 she has found something else to keep her amused. I wouldnt call this abuse, I would call it being a busy mum.
Honestly I let my youngest 2 kids CIO at bed time. Never as small infants though. And never when they are sick and never in the dark! Thats what night lights are for. When my child was old enough to sleep through the night and had a solid bedtime routine then they were put to bed and they learned to put themselves to sleep. My daughter is 22 months old and i just put her to bed 5 minutes ago (by herself) and she never cried at all and is already sleeping right now. And she even ASKED me to go night night so I high doubt shes traumatized! LOL I don't just ignore them at any given time when they need something or are bored. If your using the CIO method for everything then no it's not going to work on small children but if your teaching them to just go to sleep at night then whats the harm. I used what is called the Ferber's method. I would go in and check on them every 10 minutes, hug and kiss them, lay them back down and leave. Sure they cried at first but after about a week they didn't anymore and it was never for hours at a time. I have an extremely active household and by bedtime their tired and ready to go to sleep. They can look at a book or play with a toy if they like but they have to stay in their beds. They know I'm here and that I love them and if they NEED something that I am always here. I have 4 kids who go to bed on their own (after being tucked in) and none of them were traumatized or scared of the dark.
I think sometimes people feel bad when their kids cry and it stresses them out and it makes them feel that they have to "do something" to make it better. I know it stressed me out when i had my first and second child to no extent and i never let them CIO but by the 3rd it didn't nearly bother me as much. Kids cry all the time, sometimes for no other reason that they simply can. And honestly my kids never turned out any more or less secure whether they CIO or not. The only difference was that i had more time to myself in the evenings LOL I have never had any of my kids come to me and say "Oh i remember when you used to leave me in my room when i was a baby and let me cry" LOL Come on! Kids are traumatized when their emotional and physical NEEDS are not being met. Not when their WANTS are not met. Being put to sleep in my point of view is not a child's need, its what your child wants. Yes they look so sad and heartbroken when you do it but they look the same way when i say you can't have ice cream before supper.
My opinion is that the CIO method is perfectly fine as long as its used properly and not to just ignore your kids. I don't think either method is wrong, it's just a personal choice that a parent makes.
Lady - posted on 03/02/2010
She addmits at the end of the article that she made it all up - that her husband didn't treat her that way - that's why her story lacks intigrity. Also some one who is ill or depressed to the exteremes you mentioned can not be related to an over tired over stimulated child who needs to go to sleep.
Heather - posted on 03/01/2010
Kyle...your opinion is welcome here any time, just like anyone in this community is free to express their opinions...agree or disagree...after all thats what debating is about!
That being said, just because some of us disagree with this womans blog, does not make us whiners lol I didnt see anyone whining...just disagreeing! Its not personal when we disagree on a topic...but it can be taken personal when we are called "a bunch of whiners" so please keep that in mind next time...thanks
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Lady - posted on 03/04/2010
You're right cassy we all just do the best we can as parents that's why sometimes we take things so personally, like the artical at the start of this topic. When we are trying so hard and doing what we feel is best for our kids to have people appear to be judgmental about it isn't easy - not aiming this at you personally but just generally.
I have learned as a mother and as a person not no be so quick to judge others anymore because when I was younger there were many things I had a definite opinion on but as I've lived I have changed and now the only thing I know for definite is that I would never deliberately hurt my children - I can quite honestly say there nothing else I would say I'd NEVER do because there has been too many situations in my life that I've had to adapt to and done things in a way I might have not thought i would do - not just mothering but in life.
Cassy - posted on 03/04/2010
@Gillian For me, personally, I would continue to try, but that is just how my husband and I are. Neither of us would allow our babies to CIO, ever. We have been in a situation that you described, because we were out all day and didn't get naps in, and it was very difficult to get them to sleep, but crying just isn't an option for us. We just try and try again. :) In my opinion, I think parenting can be compared to religion. Each person has their own, right? On top of having their own religion, many, that go to the same place of worship, have different thoughts, or beliefs, that coincide, but don't always connect.
Amber - posted on 03/04/2010
I think that the blog was a little exsesive. I used the CIO method just like the dr. advised starting at 4 months. It does not mean to let ur child sit up there and cry for 2hrs w/ no comfort. We would make sure everything was good to go for bed time, feed, changed, bath, story, everything then we would lay our son down for bed. If he started to cry then we would wait 5 min. there was nothing rong he had been just up happy as could be he didnt just suddenly fall deathly ill. After 5 min. we would go up there keeping it dark and lay him down and rub his back for a few sec. then walk out and shut the door.. when he would start crying we would wait 6 more min. and do the same thing and after a couple min. he would go to sleep and sleep all night. And now when my son is 20 months old he actually looks forward to going to bed at 5pm. He knows that if something is wrong and he cries i will be there and that if nothing is wrong it is okay to just sit there and talk to ur teddy and look at the stary musical night light. My son can comfort himself just fine and I am proud of him for that.
(we didn't start adding a min. to the time everytime unitll he was closer to 1yr.)
Lady - posted on 03/04/2010
If they definitely need you or are in danger then yes of course every mother would drop whatever she is doing a rush to their baby, it's our instinct, it's what we are programmed to do and what we would chose to do even if we weren't. But if they are just windging because they want to be picked up then unfortunatley there are other things that just have to be done, laudry has to be put on or no one will have clean clothes, lunches have to be made before the school bus comes, and other children need help and deserve attention too. Just because they are older doesn't mean they are less important, so sometimes the baby will have to wait while I help with homework. I do a lot of my housework and other things while my 11 month old is sleeping so I can spend time with him when he is awake but I couldn't do that if I had been awake all night with him. Thankfully I have only had to use controlled crying on him only about three times when I have tried everything else. It's worked well and not effect him in any adverse way afterwards.
Of course as an adult you wouldn't want to be 'trained' to go sleep because you probably don't need to, but there are adults that need to train themselves how to get back into a sleep pattern when they get out of it so what is so wrong with helping a baby who doesn't even know yet that when he's tired and feeling rotten that if he goes to sleep he'll feel a lot better.
I'd like to know what those opposed to CIO would do as an alternative - when you have tried everything else - you have fed, changed. cuddled, rocked, patted their back, sang. to them, done everything you can think of and the child is clearly tired and needs to go to sleep - would you just keep trying hour after hour night after night getting tireder and tireder each day until you are finding it hard to function? Is there ever a point when you think CIO is alright or do you think it should NEVER be an option? Have you been in the situation I mentioned earlier - what did you do as an alternitive - I'd love to know because by that point in the night I can never see one so would love to know what other do.
Cassy - posted on 03/03/2010
If you actually read it, without getting offended, you will notice it says when CIO gets "warped" from what it should be! There are many I have seen on CoM that say they let their kids cry for hours and vomit. I think CIO is terrible, but that's my opinion. I wouldn't want to be "trained" to go to sleep. I have two children of my own, and often my friends kids, in my home and I stay at home. I can say that I can drop everything to check on them. I do my dishes with my 5 mo old! Why are so many things put before children these days, such as laundry, dishes, paperwork and even homework?
I'm totally against advocating CIO as a stand alone method and I still don't like books that do this. But there are many levels of controlled crying and I agree with Sarah Moulton's post even after reading most of the other comments accompanying the article.
There is always middle ground with any parenting method and even some moms who don't approve of something are sometimes forced to go down the middle road for many reasons. I mostly agree with the article, but I still think it sounds a little judgemental and I don't think there's anything to be gained by making moms feel guilty about finding something that worked for them (providing they don't missuse and abuse a method of course).
Jane - posted on 03/02/2010
When you know your baby is tired & needs to sleep 'cause they're over tired letting them cry for a couple minutes is not going to hurt them. I don't believe in letting your baby cry for hours on end (I've heard of some moms doing that). Her fake story & taking it to the exteme to make her point is why I think she has brain damage. Babies have needs & that includes sleeping. No loving, caring husband would ever do that & with that being said no loving, caring mother would do that either. We as mothers should know our babies cries; hungry cry, bored cry, I need my diaper changed cry & the I'm sleepy cry. Moms should not feel bad about letting babies cry for a couple of minutes @ bed time. I have yet to hear of any child that has been "damaged" because their parents let them cry for a bit.
Traci - posted on 03/02/2010
Let me say this.
If anyone has ever been depressed, or manic, or really ill, and had a spouse that ignored you and told you that what you were going through was all in your head, you would understand what she is saying. I am a little peeved at how many WOMEN here are saying that she's 'brain damaged' or 'crazy' or whatever. I've been there. I know what that feels like, to literally be lying on the floor in a fetal position, howling like the world is coming to the end, wishing for nothing less then death, and have your spouse look at you and tell you to 'get over it'.
If you haven't been there, you can never understand such pain. You can not understand the neglect and hurt.
And THAT is the main reason I won't let her CIO. I don't ever want her to think that her tears are invalid, or that her emotions are misunderstood. She should never know that pain of having her very real feelings be completely invalidated, or Heaven forbid, being told that she has 'brain damage'.
Geralyn - posted on 03/02/2010
Cassy, her story and thoughts afterwards made me think.... I can't help but think of a broader message... Sometimes infants and toddlers are treated in a way that we as adults would never accept. We have to remember that they are people, too, with feelings and emotions and physical needs that need to be nutured.
As for CIO, I do not believe in it.
Kyle - posted on 03/01/2010
What a bunch of whiners. All of you sit there and criticize this person for writing that blog and say oh well she is just trying to bash people that use the CIO method, and she tries to say our opinion is wrong because we believe in the CIO, well guess what.... That blog was HER opinion. I completely understand why she fabricated the story about her husband, some people wouldn't have thought anything of it if she didn't describe it like that.
Cassy- I enjoyed reading the post. It give people another way of looking at things like that. Good post!
Charlene - posted on 03/01/2010
I read the entire thing before I commented the first time but I went back to see if I missed anything. Nope.. she's still full of shit and lacking credibility.
Her example is not even of the CIO method, an incorrect version of it at most. If you are going to talk smack about something and call it abuse then you need to have a valid analogy.
Jane - posted on 03/01/2010
Never heard it called CIO before but I was pretty fortunate with my kids who are now almost 20 and 16. They both started sleeping through the night at a young age....her at 6 weeks, him at 7 weeks. There was a point in time with my daughter...about 9 months old where she would go to sleep but then wake in the middle of the night...she was a smart cookie...she just wanted out of her crib. So, we tried the let her cry for 2 minutes, go in and hug and resettle, if still crying, go back in 4 minutes, hug and resettle and then increase time alone by 2 minutes each time. By the third time in, she figured out that it wasn't time to be awake yet and would go back to sleep....in three nights, it was over and never to return. My son never went through that.
For me, I never felt like I was 'TRAINING' her but rather helping her fall back to sleep and reassuring her in between that we were still there, still loved her but it was time for sleep. I don't see that as a bad thing at all.
Alison - posted on 03/01/2010
Bunk! Bunk! Bunk!
That story doesn't prove a thing. Take a look at my kids and tell me if they are happy and healthy. And let's trust parents and let them use their own judgement. People who see me with my kids tell me all that time that I am doing a great job. I do not turn into Mr. Hyde at night. I go to my children when they are sick or having a bad dream or growing pains. But when my instinct tells me that they simply need to be broken of a bad habit, I have let them cry it out.
My 21 month old goes through phases where she will stand up in her bed and cry as soon as I put her down. I tell her I love her, give her a kiss, tell her to go to sleep and leave the room. As soon as I close the door she stops crying. If I were an insecure mom afraid of hearing my child cry, I would be rocking her to sleep in my arms every night.
I'm not saying every parent needs to let their child cio, but let's stop bashing those who do.
(Her post thoughts seemed much more reasonable than the ridiculous story.)
Jane - posted on 03/01/2010
I think that woman has brain damage. Parents don't want to let their babies cry it out but sometimes if a baby is overtired or whatever they need to settle themselves before they can fall asleep & might cry for a few minutes (if you go in there & tend to it you're just going to wake them up or simulate them again & then it start all over again). I sometimes am really tired & can't fall asleep, granted I don't cry about it but it takes me a little bit to settle & fall asleep. I know I'm not the only person like this! I would imagine that some babies may take longer to fall asleep then others just like adults. Every baby is different just like every adult is.
Sara - posted on 03/01/2010
Well, most of the "science" behind anti-CIO is bunk. I do, however, think that when used appropriately and in conjunction with loving parenting, CIO is a useful tool. The bottom line is that you're not going to doom your child by using a CIO method appropriately, nor are you going to doom them by not. It's your choice as their parent. There's no point to making people who have used Ferber or any other method that **gasp** involves a few tears feel guilty for doing what they feel is best. I'm just really sick of people using bad science to back up crap statements. There's is no definitive, longitudinal research EITHER WAY, so making statemennts and comparisons like that woman made hold absolutely no water. It's her opinion, plain and simple. And it's just a slap in the face meant to illicit an emotional response, as most anti-"insert topic here" parenting is.
Isobel - posted on 03/01/2010
I think it's hilarious that if the story were true...she would've fallen asleep when he put her to bed LOL. I didn't use CIO (despite my mother begging me)...but I don't care if anyone else does. If it works for your baby, good for you.
Lady - posted on 03/01/2010
The whole point in controlled crying - as I've always known it as - or CIO is that you're teaching your children that they are NOT being abandoned - that's why you come back after a few minutes. You are teaching them you may leave them but they are not alone and you will return, because at some pont in their lives you are going to have to leave them whether it's for five minutes to go to the shops or for a couple of days while you go into hospital to give birth to the next one. So by doing it in this controlled manner you are doing it safely and less traumatically than if one day you suddenly are not there.
As for not meeting there needs I don't agree with that. My son would happily be carried about all day if I let him but that's just not possible. He sometimes cries when I initially put him down but then finds a toy and stops. Is it his NEED to be carried about all day - or his DESIRE?
So if at night I have fed him, changed him, comforted him, cuddled him and know as his mother there is nothing else wrong with him he then cries when I put him down in his cot is it his NEED I am not meeting or his DESIRE?
Sometimes the babies need is to go to sleep - they are over tired, over stimulated and what they need is dark and quiet and a few minutes left alone to be able to drop off.
And as for forcing our sleep schedule onto them - What the hell is the alternitive?
Do we stay awake with them all night? Then what? As lovely as the thought of adapting to fit in with their sleep schedule might be as I said earlier, it's just not possible if you have more than one child or a job or the other one hundred and one things that you have to do during the day and couldn't possibly do if you're awake all night with a baby.
Sarah - posted on 03/01/2010
Ok, i read the bit at the end now (sorry!)
I still think it's an over the top argument though.
I think that telling a "half true" story twisting the circumstances, with a little disclaimer at the end, is just a really weird way to get your point across.
Yes people have used CIO in an unfit way. As Sharon pointed out though, ANYTHING can can be misused.
I do get annoyed with people constantly jumping to conclusions about CIO, the mothers on here that i have come across that have practised CIO have 9 times out of 10 used CIO correctly, or adapted it to their own children (as i did). NO-ONE would advocate leaving their child alone for hours screaming and/or vomiting.
I still think the article is a load of crap to be honest, it's not true, it's a HUGE guilt mongering exercise and it's just not (in my opinion) the right way to get your message across. As i said before, research CIO out yourself, decide what's best for YOU and YOUR children. Leave the "half truths" and propaganda out of it. :)
Heather - posted on 03/01/2010
Extreme...yes. I happen to feel that for some reason, when some women become mothers, they feel that their way of doing things is the ONLY way to do things, and begin to become "activists" Yes, leaving a baby to cry for hours in a room by himself until he pukes, is abuse IMO. However as the posters above me mentioned, thats not what the CIO method is about. When its done properly, it is not harmful or abusive. I think it is up to the parents to decide what works for their child. The same goes for co sleeping, extended breast feeding, spanking....I think parents should be allowed to make their own decisions on how to raise their children without the worst case scenario thrown at them by these extremists.
I am personally not for CIO and I dont practice it for my son, but I dont have any issues with parents using it if thats what works for them. I dont think its a bad thing for a child to cry and I certainly dont rush to my son every time he wimpers and crys a little. As moms, we know what our childs crys mean most of the time...or at least know the "somethings wrong" cry. Maybe these extreme moms with a cause should all band together and become activists against child abuse since that is the common thing that most of these moms are ultimately trying to prevent...I think that would be way more productive and effective than trying to guilt moms into jumping on their bandwagon with worst case scenarios.
Johnny - posted on 02/28/2010
Thanks for posting the link Cassy. For me, it was a great reminder of why I do not practice any form of CIO. My daughter has been through some rough patches with sleep, but I have never felt that CIO is the right choice for us. There is a link in the comments to a blog, www.fiercemamas.blogspot.com that really blew my mind. Although I do not believe in CIO, I had never thought about how vital it really truly could be to respond to baby's needs 24/7. I like to hope that in time, it is a practice that will cease in popularity.
Cassy - posted on 02/28/2010
I don't think all of you get it! I said to read the article in its entirety for a reason!! Maybe then it will help some of you understand. @Sharon and Sarah~ If you would read the entire article maybe you would understand it better. By saying entire article I mean that the post thoughts by the author should be read as well. :)
Ez - posted on 02/28/2010
I love that blog and I read that article months ago. I am anti-CIO. I have never let my 1 year old cry. Grizzle or whinge - sure, for a few minutes. But never cry.
I feel like I have this discussion (which inevitably turns into an argument) on COMs about once a week. CIO is ignorant of a baby's emotional state and sense of comfort. Yes, that baby may be fed, changed and warm, but that doesn't mean all it's needs are met. I have no idea why we expect so much of our babies...
Sharon - posted on 02/28/2010
Alison - it wasn't just you. Its just that I had read that phrase like a half dozen times that day alone for every silly thing in the world. Its driving me nuts.
I have a friend who CONSTANTLY says "long story short..." through out a VERY long story. At the end she says "You know what I mean?" (and this is for EVERY conversation with her.) One day I said - "yes I do, but do YOU know what Long Story Short means?" I said it playfully and with a smile but she quit saying it. Thank you Lord!
Wow, what a ridiculus article. I used CIO, but I never ignored my daughter's needs. Before bed, I made sure she was fed, clean, warm, and cuddled, then I put her down. I never let her get herself worked up without calming her down. And if she woke up hungry or dirty, I would certainly fix the problem, then love on her a bit before putting her back down. And it was easy to distinguish between her cries for hungry, dirty, and "I don't want to be in the crib" because I paid attention to her and learned how she communicated with me. Today she is a very loving 22 month old and in no way insecure in my love or "brain damaged". I understand that my method won't work for every family and may not even work for my future children, but there was nothing wrong with it.
Amanda - posted on 02/28/2010
Like another poster I have never heard of the CIO method until I joined Circle of Moms, I have raised 3 children (one child who cried a lot) without ever using the CIO method. I dont believe in any CIO before a year old, some mothers said 2 minutes isnt much time, but I am pretty sure a child under 1 doesnt understand the difference between 2 minutes and 2 hours. I think this woman discribed how a child just might feel while being left to cry very well. Is it on the extreme end? Yes, but it sure gets the point across.
I agree with what your saying Sharon and I was not implying that the books should be banned. I'm not against parenting books that advise CIO as one of many parenting methods either. I was just expressing my own personal opinion against books that advocate extreme levels of CIO and try to imply that it's the only method that works. I'm sorry if my above post offended anyone. Part of my post was defending moms who use CIO on a non-extreme level.
Sharon - posted on 02/28/2010
Honestly - I'm sick to death of people saying that the advocation of ANYTHING in the wrong hands could be bad.
Dear god by that logic we should take microwaves away from everyone because they might put their baby in there.
We should take away tap water too because some ding dongs can't follow the directions on a formula container and drown their infants with to much water.
It fucking ridiculous. In the wrong hands a tv is a dangerous weapong DON'T THROUGH IT AT ANYONE.
I'm mostly against CIO for myself, but to portray all moms who use this method as child abusers who fail to meet their babies needs and leave them in a dark room screaming for an extended time is unfair because there are different levels of CIO.
I'm very against parenting books that reccomend CIO because they could be very dangerous to babies if they fell into the wrong hands. Subscribing to an extreme level of CIO that allows a baby to cry for an extended time in a dark room in order to force nap and feeding schedules is borderline child abuse in my opinion.
Rosie - posted on 02/28/2010
i think she's not using good comparisons. first of all i'm not leaving my child in there to cry the whole night. second i would go in and check on my child and try to comfort him again for awhile if he continued to cry to see if there was something else wrong with him. third she used herself being ill. like i would actually not attend to my childs needs when he was ill. furthermore, i do tend to my kids needs when they are crying, i go in see what the problem is and if i can't resolve it, i'll leave. if they continue to cry for 15 min, i'll go in and cuddle and check on them again. they know i won't abandon them.
there are other forms of CIO like when you leave your child at the babysitter to go to work. what about those mothers, are they bad for chosing work over the crying of their child? in my experience with CIO, my kids love me, cuddle with me, know that i will be there for them. they aren't damaged, depressed beings with no hope for life. this article is ridiculous.
Sarah - posted on 02/28/2010
What a load of crap!
As if her husband would actually do that! Seriously, if i was ILL and calling for my husband he would come, because he loves me and he would never be that cruel.
Just as if my child was ILL and crying for me I would go to my child. What a dumb comparison!
It is, as Sharon has said a "big fat lie".
It actually makes me angry that someone would lie in order to promote something!!
Research CIO, make your own decisions, it's not for everyone granted, but don't take this ridiculous article into account!
Just for the record, i used my own little version of CIO with both my girls. They weren't left screaming for hours or anything, but i did leave them to "Whinge it out". It worked well for us, but i know it's not for everybody. :)
Shelby - posted on 02/27/2010
I don't think anyone I know I don't...intentionally sets out to be an extremist. Some people are just really passionate about everything, and that can sometimes be quite good. I've been guilty of it myself, as I'm a very passionate person...If I believe in something I believe in it whole heartedly, and have been convinced several times about things that just seem so wrong and obvious to me that I AM SO SURE if people would just see things from a different angle they would see thatAt least thats what I thought...or I guess hoped. . Ahhhh, wouldn't it be nice if we lived in a perfect world. I think the analogy was absolutely brilliant. It scares me to death to think about being 80 years old or so, and after losing my ability to communicate after something, maybe a stroke. I am left in the dark, crying because I can not communicate my needs/fears. I would feel helpless to say the least to be left there because I have had my supper, my clothes are clean, and I've already been to the bathroom for the evening. Its a scary thought, yet inevitable for all of us. Half truth or not, I would have never made that correlation.
I have to say that there is a huge difference in the COI method I have read about since actually hearing about it, and straight up neglect, but while neglect is obviously wrong I think this is more about the fact that its about "breaking in" the baby.
Cassy - posted on 02/27/2010
I didn't post it with the intention of focusing on the extremity of the article/blog, I posted with the thought that some may take the analogy for what it is. The woman has an amazing life during the day, but at night she is left to her own helpless devices. Many CIO babies come from a loving home, yet at night that is abandoned in order to break/ train them. To me, MIND YOU I SAID TO ME AND MAYBE NOT ANYONE ELSE, it's the same as how you would teach a dog not to bark or a horse to settle enough to be ridden. Everyone has the right to their opinions, without being attacked, and that is mine. I think it is deplorable that *some* CIO babies are allowed to get so worked up they vomit. There is actual scientific research that shows that crying to that extent can cause brain damage. I hear many women say "it broke my heart to hear it, but..." and I get annoyed. If it feels wrong, it probably is wrong.
Although it was a bit extreme I thought it was an interesting analogy! I guess some people just feel soooo passionately about certain things that they feel the need to try and change other peoples minds? I didn't get that from her though, I felt like she was coming from a loving place; I think she just wanted to put new eyes on an age old debate and use a different approach to hopefully put this topic in new light for everyone! I hate extremists but I just found this interesting and creative!
Kate CP - posted on 02/27/2010
That article made me feel...pissed. She just another extremist, IMO. I never had to do CIO with my daughter until she was nearly a year old. By a year old she could communicate with me that she needed something or wanted something so I felt comfortable telling her "I gave you hugs and kisses, we read stories, and I sang you a song. Now it's time for sleep. Mommy will be right outside if you need me," and I would leave the room. She would cry for a little while (like 5 minutes) and then settle down and go to sleep. It was more of a "I don't want to go to sleep cause I might miss something" cry than a "Mommy, I need you!" cry. If parents just listened to and learned the different cries their children have they will have a much easier time of parenting.
Shelby - posted on 02/27/2010
I agree in never letting a baby cry just because thats what you think is best. My first son had colic for what seemed like forever, and although even holding them cuddling them and rocking them doesn't really do much good, TO just let them lay in a crib by themselves doesn't do the job either. Even with a screaming infant, I would rather be holding him close to me so that he can feel me there, than to be in his crib lonely in pain. Yeah would it have been easier to do the CIO method, Sure would have been I was 16, a single mom, still in a full schedule in high school, and worked a full time second shift job, so my nights where I got any sleep were very precious. Yet my son was more precious than my own needs. It took me finding something that soothed him because he couldn't do it himself....Unfortunately for us it was riding around in the car that helped him calm down, so many a nights were spent riding around for countless hours, sometimes stopping at my mom's to pick her up for company to keep me awake. Even if that meant I had to catch a few winks during homeroom and study hall the next day.
My youngest was a high needs baby. Through plenty of research I learned there was a very high probability it came from his traumatic birth. It was very rushed, very stressed, with a lot of people, and a lot of blood, to say the least.
His needs were not only feeding, diapering, burping, and cuddles...He often slept while I rocked him. I didn't put him in his crib and let him CIO for 10 minutes because I was for sure that he didn't "need" anything. He clearly needed something. He needed me.
I don't feel that we "train" or need to "break" our children. To "break our kids means to bend or break their spirit and will, How sad is that? Me attending to my child's needs whatever they may be, whether they are the apparent needs or not, has not damaged my children by any means. They are all very independent children. I mean granted we also do bedsharing, however when MY children move to their own beds at a very easily acceptable age for all of US, It has always been a very easy transition. They completely rely on us.... I mean if I am feeding my baby 4 oz. of formula, I don't quit if he is still trying to get more from the bottle because I feel that he has had enough...Even though the recommended amount for his age is 4 oz. Maybe he is still hungry??? I give him more.
I mean in all honesty, I don't understand the concept at all. Really during the day, Is it acceptable for your baby to cry if they are fed, dry, and burped, and not sick? At night how do you know if your baby really is afraid of being alone, or having nightmares?
There are so many times coming up ( A lot of you won't realize this for a few years as a lot of you have just babies) when there is clearly nothing you can do to comfort your children and they won't let you cuddle them. Take some advice do all the holding, lovng, rocking, that you can while you can. There will be plenty of times in the future when they cry and you don't know it. Or when they want you to "Hold" them but they are too "big" to tell you.
Charlene - posted on 02/27/2010
I think that entire blog entry was completely and utterly ridiculous.
I am not for CIO at all, it just doesn't work for my daughter, but what that woman was describing was NOT CIO, at least not CIO done properly.
And her fabricated story about her and how her husband treated her caused her to lose any shred of credibility she had.
I'm sure a lot of moms who have to use CIO feel guilty enough as it is without some judgemental, condescending woman trying to villify their parenting styles and choices. It baffles me how quick people are to liken a parenting style they don't agree with to abuse. I'm sure it's like a smack in the face to people who have actually been abused to hear that word be thrown about so casually over the littlest things.
I don't believe in ' CIO ' and never have......it's not because of an article, although I've done my fair share of research about it! It just breaks my heart!
The one question I have about the related article is: Can someone please define what falls under the umbrella of ' CIO '? If I check in on my daughter every couple minutes until she falls asleep is this considered CIO? How much time needs to elapse before it's considered CIO? I think this might be one of those ' slippery slopes' that we all need to be careful about!??
Mary - posted on 02/27/2010
Okay, I have not used CIO (didn't know what it even was until COM)...BUT...I never really had a need, either. I was blessed with a fairly laid-back, pleasant baby who rarely cried unless there was a true, easily discernible (and fixable) issue. For whatever happy reason, she has always been easy to put down for a nap, or bedtime...hell, by 8 months, she would crawl into her room and say "nigh-nigh" if she was tired. I have no clue what it must be like to deal, day-in and day-out, with a collicky, cranky baby. My sister's first was like that, and I know that her normally implacable, sweet self was beyond frazzled by about the 8 month mark, and I am sure, there were times when she HAD to jsut let my niece CIO, in order to preserve her own sanity.
When I was a few paragraphs into the article, I felt for the author, but at the same time, I thought...Damn, woman, communicate a little better, and try to remember that your husband just might NEED a bit of a break from you...he's human too! I get the point she was trying to make, and I'll give her points for being clever and creative...BUT...she lost a bit of credibility when she confessed that it was a bit off the complete truth as well. Again, I did not utilize CIO, but I'm guessing that those who do are not simply ignoring their baby from 7pm to 7am...that's not CIO, that's negligence! And, to the best of my knowledge, this is NOT what CIO entails.
Cassy - posted on 02/27/2010
In my opinion, CIO is wrong. Although I do believe that allowing them to cry for 5 mins or less is ok, anything more than that is a bit excessive. The parents that let their child cry excessively, and for long periods of time, are, in my opinion, just plain lazy. Why is it so bad to cuddle with, rock or otherwise love on your baby? I watched this video on the effects of CIO, and it just reassured me in my thoughts on the subject. http://www.whatmakesyoutick.org/
Ashley - posted on 02/26/2010
Well, I never wanted to do any form of CIO, but my son wasn't falling asleep until 0300. That was hard. When he was nine months, I was desperate. My friend told me to put him to bed while he is not asleep, and give cuddles (make sure he's burped, diaper changed, etc) then walk out. If he crys, go back in two minutes, give cuddles, but don't pick him up. Then leave, come back in five, seven, ten, etc. I don't think I ever got past seven minutes. Now he is eleven months old and goes right to bed, happy as a clam, and wakes up a ray of sunshine.
I did feel like a bad mom for resorting to it, but it seemed he took to it better than I did. I do not believe in letting babies cry for hours, or trying to let them cry while they are under six months.
My son knows I am here always. If he fusses a little before bed, I just give him a hug and kiss and he lays down. I know the difference between a whiny cry and a real there-is-something-wrong cry. I would NEVER let him cry if it was a "real" cry.
I know what I do is a form of CIO, but I don't think of it as abuse.
Sarah - posted on 02/26/2010
This is exactly why I don't believe in CIO for kids who are under a year or who haven't quite grasped that things continue to exist even when I can't see them and that MOM ALWAYS COMES BACK.
Heck, my son is twenty months, he understands both of those things, and I still don't let him CIO. I might let him cry for five minutes... Sometimes less if the cries he's making are for real scared cries, But generally, I think that babies cry because they need SOMETHING. I have found that usually, just going in and giving him a hug and then asking him politely to lay down is enough for him.
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