How much should grandparents help out...financially

Emma - posted on 04/05/2010

I don't think they should have to help out, but my mom and sisters have helped us out lots, as due to a series of unfortunate events we ended up totally broke just when i fell pregnant with our daughter. We just started to get back on our feet and i fell pregnant again and the kicker was we where being so careful as we knew full well we could not afford a second kid our son really wanted to come in to the world birth control be damed.
We are now again back on our feet and will always be eternally great full for there financial help.
My mom still buys all my kids cloths as that has become her hobby bargain hunting she sends two lots a year spring/summer and autumn/winter.
I doubt she would stop doing this even if i asked her to as i think it makes her feel more involved as she lives some distance away and gives her enjoyment putting the little outfits together, plus she says the money she is spending will be there's one day anyway at least this way she get to in joy it.
Thankfully the people who have helped us could do so without putting any strain on there own households.

Susanne - posted on 04/02/2010

My parents and my parents in law only ever bought gifts for birthdays and christmas. As much as i resented the lack of interest in my kids ive been on the other end of it too. My stepdaughter when she was pregnant with her her first took advantage. My husband and i bought the pram, cot, lots of clothes, walker and a lot more that i dont recall. After the baby was born we bought nappies, milk etc. This continued until she was nearly two. I honestly think if people cant afford to raise their own kids they shouldnt get pregnant in the first place. Im pregnant with my fourth son and if i couldnt afford to raise all four without help from outside i never would have had them.

Melissa - posted on 04/01/2010

I dont think grandparents should be expected to support their grandchildren at all. Grandparents buying gifts is completely different, both mine and my husbands parents buy our son gifts but i dont consider that "support". To me support would be buying things a baby "needs".

Jocelyn - posted on 04/01/2010

Grandparents have no responsibility/requirement to help out, but many do. Once a parent always a parent, no mater what your child's age! My parents and my MIL help us out, my grandparents helped out my parents when they needed it, and I will help out my children if they need it. Aside from the "OMG that is so cute they just HAVE to have it" stuff that they buy us (lol) both our parents have helped us out a great deal lately. My hubby was fired and hasn't found a new job yet, and I was a sahm working one day a week (but I have upped that to TWO shifts a week lol). I make enough to cover rent, but if our parents weren't helping us right now we wouldn't be eating, we wouldn't have electricity, our children would be naked and barefoot because they grow like weeds! But I often have to tell my dad that "no, we don't need that" because if it was up to him he'd pay for EVERYTHING, but I won't let him do that. I really appreciate what they do for us, but I am really looking forward to when we DON'T need their help anymore.

Kathy - posted on 03/31/2010

As Jane said, it's fun! Sometimes I find it hard to pass a baby wear shop! It wouldn't be fun if I HAD to do it though!

Brandi - posted on 03/31/2010

I feel like this is something that depends on each individual family and I just really can't judge what is appropriate for each one.

Jane - posted on 03/31/2010

I never had or asked for help from my mother (my dad passed away when I was 16) and my childrens father's parents were both deceased. Again, I never ASKED. HOWEVER, my mother bought so much for my kids with regards to clothing that especially with my first, she grew out of stuff before I could get the tags off. My kids were literally the best dressed kids in the community. My mom also bought the entire baby bedroom set...crib, changing table, dresser and the entire linen set for the crib. Again, didn't ask her to but she asked if she could because she really wanted to and we said OK. We lived in California at the time and she was in my home town in NY. I think it made her feel as though she was a part of all of it. She also, with both kids, came and spent 8 weeks with me after each birth and literally did everything for me. I never even had to get out of bed to nurse. She heard the baby "peep" (LOL - not even cry) and she would hand deliver my little bundle to me in bed and I'd nurse and then put the baby back in it's crib. I can not tell you how much I appreciate all she did for me even though again, I never asked.

i know that when I'm fortunate enough to have grandchildren I will do the same. Not because my kids will ask for it but because it's fun!

I think as long as the grandparent(s) are doing so with good intentions and not to hold anything over their childs (the parents of the baby) head, then I say the sky is the limit if the grandparents can afford it.

Rosie - posted on 03/31/2010

grandparents have no responsibility to help out financially. if they want to by all means go right on and help, if you are going to buy the kids gobs of presents ask the parents first to make sure it's alright. but then again i feel like my parents and his parents should watch the children for free (when they agree to watch them of course). my parents cant afford disney or buying new wardrobes, but all they have to do to make my sons happy is spend time with them, and that makes them happy as well. if they did buy them stuff like that,and could afford it, i think i would be okay with it if it wasn't an everyday thing. i know my parents love to do things for the boys, if they had more money i'm sure there would be more things like disney and wardrobes along with sitting at a table for hours with my oldest son putting together a puzzle (his favorite thing to do) or making cookies with my 2 youngest. doesn't matter as long as they are there. :) i love my mommy and daddy!! he he!

Kathy - posted on 03/31/2010

I don't think grandparents have any responsibility to help outfinancially. We buy gifts for my daughter's family, and occasionally help out a bit when things get tough for them, but that's our choice. They don't rely on us, and they wouldn't want to. Sometimes gifts and financial help are all we can do, as we don't live in the same state so can't help out with babysitting.



We have 2 other daughters who haven't started a family and they sometimes get a bit of financial assistance to (one's at uni, the other one has a low-paying job.)



On the whole, I don't think it's a "should" thing but an option.

Sunny - posted on 03/31/2010

My mum lives far away and has little money (she is a SAHM of 6 kids) so she likes to help by babysitting a weekend once a month. My mother in law however has money and doesnt every babysit. She likes to buy the boys expensive toys and clothes, but we did live with her for over a year. We paid rent, and cooked and clean every day.

Carolee - posted on 03/31/2010

When I was a single mother, my son and I lived with my mom. I worked part time and cleaned the house instead of paying rent, but I paid for everything for my son. Now that I'm out of the house and married (and prego again), I don't expect anybody to get ANYTHING for my son (I never EXPECTED it in the first place)! I will not stop anybody from buying my son something within reason, but I did have to set a limit with my in-laws... they would spend $500 on my son for both Christmas and his birthday if I let them! The limit with my husband is: if it's over $20, we need to discuss it... with my in-laws, it's: if it's over $50, Jason and I need to discuss it and we'll get back to them. It's their right as grandparents to spoil their grandchildren. My mom says it's their reward for not killing us during our teen years! It's also their right if they DON'T want to spoil them... as long as it's equal between ALL grandchildren (or at least siblings).

Shavaune - posted on 03/31/2010

I had my 1st child at 18 and if it weren't for my parents and in-laws I have no idea how we would have been able to both go to college. We only asked for things we really needed though. However i have never asked my parents for anything after we both graduated and got good jobs. Of course they still buy them things but they do that because they like to. I think if your actually appreciative and do things for them in return then there is nothing wrong with it. It also depends on how much money your parents have to whether or not its appropriate.

Mary - posted on 03/31/2010

My parents do a lot for us. They only live 3 miles away, and watch my daughter about 2 afternoons a week on the nights I work. My husband was laid off 3 weeks before my daughter was born. I was still employed, and carried the benefits. I also had a fairly large amount of savings, so we could have eeked by and covered all of our bills until I returned to work, but my parents were insistent on helping us out to keep us from blowing through all of it. I never asked nor expected it, and have always been grateful for all that they have given me, as well as my daughter. (luckily my husband did find another job within about 6 months)



It is a fairly recipricol relationship, though. My parents are in their mid-sixties, and own a large property which is is partially wooded, as well as a pool. As my dad has aged, my husband and I have become increasingly more involved in helping to maintain it (my dad refuses to get any kind of service, bit of pride thing). Things like taking out fallen trees, washing windows or the enormous task that the falling leaves are in Autumn! They especially enjoy it now, since they spend those afternoons playing with Molly while we're out working in the yard. It's just the way my family is...and always was. My own grandparents did a lot to help my parents when I was a child, and my parents did whatever was needed as my grandparents aged and needed more help, including caring for them when they fell ill and infirm towards the end of their lives. It is never expected or demanded...it's just how my family interacts and cares for on another.

Krista - posted on 03/31/2010

My parents help out a lot, but I never ask for it. Mom comes to visit, she brings a crate of diapers. I'm not so proud that I'll turn them down. But I always remind her that she doesn't have to do this, that I'm just happy to have her time and attention and so is the baby. But, if they can afford to help, and want to help, and it makes them happy to help, then I'm not going to say no just to prove a point.

Good Day! - posted on 03/31/2010

Part of the reason I asked is because I would feel inadequate or guilty if my parents or in laws bought my daughter's entire wardrobe or a playground or a disney vacation. I brought this child into the world, and I am going to take all responsibility. I never turn down gifts, but I want to take full financial responsibility for everything we/she needs and wants. That's how I feel.

I just wanted to see if my feelings were shared, or if more people fell onto the other end of the spectrum. To each their own...as long as all parties involved are okay with the arrangement...go for it!

Teresa - posted on 03/31/2010

I would not have a vehicle w/out my mom. My ex was 'supposed' to continue to pay (he said he would) for the van I had when he bailed on us, but he didn't. My mom has helped SO much in the past 2 years, but I'm still mostly on my own. My dad paid my rent for the first 6 weeks of my son's life. Otherwise it's just bday and Christmas (usually one gift per kid). My ex in-law's.... have only bought presents when they've seen my kids, so 3 times for my girls and never for my son.

My stepsis and niece (5) have lived w/ my dad and stepmom since right before she was born though........

Amber - posted on 03/31/2010

My parents have the money to pay for things so I let them.. sometimes it feels like were being belittled since we have the army paycheck and they have the director of a hospitals paycheck but they dont mean it that way with my first they practically bought everything bc they wanted to.. with our second they havent bought anything big yet bc i havent told them what we need but as the date get closer i guess they will be emptying out their pockets... but my inlaws dont do anything and i dont think they should nor would i want them to (long story) but i guess you shouldnt expect anyone to really help you out financially.... i dont expect my parents to buy things its something they want to do....i just stopped arguing over what they buy if i dont like the gift or toy... it stays at their house for weekend visits...

Shannon - posted on 03/31/2010

Parents should help out as much as they can & are willing. My parents don't have very much, but still help out quite a bit. My in-laws don't do anything.

Amy - posted on 03/31/2010

when should a grandparent buy things for the kiddos - whenever they want. toys, clothes, etc are just fun for them. now financially in other ways - like paying for food and the bills - slim to never. there are times when, say you're both laid off or something happens and you just need a bit to get by until work comes in. fine. but i don't think any parent should expect their parents to give them things. i think it would be a bit disrespectful to turn down a gift. because it's just something grandparents do. they buy the fun stuff they have money for now that they couldn't with their own kids. If you think they give too much, you can politely say something about how you appreciate it, but it's not needed. My MIL never had any girls. when her first grandbaby was a girl--yeah, i didn't have to buy clothes for a year! but with my boy, eh, she's had boys, money is tighter and they don't get as much. doesn't bother me a bit. i have clothes for him, he shares big sis's toys [half provided by grandma!]. when i was little, my grandma lived across the states. so she sent a giant box of stuff twice a year. it was just kind of an "i miss you, wish i could be there, but can't. here's some stuff. think of me when you play because i think of you when i get them." as far as HELP that i've received...having grandparents watch kids while we go on a date is more helpful than anything financially. with money, we only had help once. husband was laid off for two months and all of our bills were due at once. mom must have noticed bare cabinets and one day just brought over "Extra" stuff she had from going to bulk grocery store[Sam's Club] that she said she'd never use. saved our pride and our tummies. we were thankful. hopefully i can help my kids out like that if they need it. of course, if my parents get caught in a situation and i can help, i will. it's just part of being family. as long as everyone knows it's not a habitual thing.

Amy - posted on 03/31/2010

We get a lot from my parents and my in-laws. Every so often they ask what size our son is in and a week later bring us a huge bag full of clothing. In the summer we seem to get more as my MIL does a lot of rummage shopping. My dad also just made my son a bed, and bought all the stuff for it, I told them they didn't need to, but they just wanted to. My in-laws live in the same city as us and my parents live about 45-60 min away so we see both pretty regularly, the mom's just get excited to buy little kid stuff.

At times I think it's too much, but then I just think about how much joy our mom's get when buying these things and giving them to our son. And the look on our son's face when he sees the nice new bed that his grandpa made for him, those are things that when I have grandchildren that I want to do.

When our parents buy things for our son like that, we also try to do other nice things for them. My husband helps around at his parents house every so often, and for Christmas we try to get them something nice that, if we bought our son everything we couldn't afford.

I also agree that it depends on the situation, our parents have never bought our son anything we didn't want our son to have, if they start over stepping your boundaries then I think it's an issue.

September - posted on 03/31/2010

My mother and mother in law love to buy our son gifts however we do not rely on either of them for anything. My husband and I brought our son into this world and it's our reasonability to take care of him :)

Rose - posted on 03/31/2010

My parents do nothing for my child as i don't talk to my dad and my mother has passed away. My MIL tho she buys things here and there for her but usually only sticks to holidays. She isn't use to a girl tho as she as never had any experiences with a girl so she is not sure what to get her. I am sure a lot will change after i have my boy tho in 10 weeks yay! My mother in law see my daughter quite often tho at least 2 times a week and occasionally babysits her. Me and my hubby buy everything she needs and wants with out help except for special occasions. I don't think it should be up to the grandparent to provide for their grandchildren.

Melissa - posted on 03/31/2010

I don't turn down gifts from my son's grandparents. If they want to buy him stuff, by all means, go ahead. But they don't go crazy. They will just buy an outfit here or there, or if they see something cute, they'll buy it. I do not rely on them to provide for my son, my husband and I do that. But I don't turn things down.

Brandy - posted on 03/31/2010

I think it depends on the situation. When I got pregnant with our first, it wasn't planned and we weren't prepared because we had just finished our first year with the company we started and we had to use everything we had to start the company and keep it running that year. We found pretty much all of the stuff we needed used but in really good shape (i mean the big stuff like carseat, high chair, dresser, bassinett, swing) and for really cheap. My mom paid for some of it (it came to a total of less than $200 and there was more than twice as much as I listed) and some of it was given to us for free. This was going to be my parents first grandchild and they wanted to do something significant so they sat down and decided that for each of their 3 children, they wanted to buy the first crib when they have babies. So they bought my daughter's crib and when my brother's gf got pregnant a few months later, they bought my neice's first crib too. If I didn't think they had money to do this, I wouldn't have let them do it but they are pretty successful and we are very appreciative of their help and let them know how thankful we are all the time. Since then, we haven't really needed their help but my brother and his gf are on their second child now and they are in the middle of building a new house so they are staying at my parent's house and they don't charge rent or make them pay for groceries and my neice gets spoiled because, well, how do you stop a grandma from spoiling a grandchild that lives with her? I think that in their situation, it is ok for them to accept my parent's help in order to finish the house sooner so they can get back on their own again, especially with the new baby coming. I think the most important thing is to teach your children to be thankful and respectful to their wonderful grandparents who give them so much and if you think your child is being spoiled, talk to grandma or grandpa about it and tell them you want it to slow down.