Judging....human nature or spiteful behavior??

Jackie - posted on 04/19/2010 ( 15 moms have responded )

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So aggravated, I just had this whole post written, but since they changed the format of the website again, the cancel button got clicked instead of submit. And it cancels with no second warning....hate the new setup!!!! Anyways, here goes again...in short form now I guess.

So everyone's always getting mad b/c other people are "judging". It seems that many moms seem to equate what they call "judging" with getting in a strangers face and telling them off.

While I have very strong opinions towards certain things, I have never once said one word to a stranger just b/c I disagreed with what they were doing. I keep it to myself, share it with my husband or friends, or will talk about it here (a forum specifically meant to be met with opposition)...but the other mother never knows that I disagree with her.

I fully believe as human beings we are wired to see something, and have an opinion on it based on our own experiences and thoughts. I just find it very hard to believe that someone can say they walk through their day totally emotionless as to what they see in front of them. We are individuals, we are not meant to all agree with what other people do. We are our own person, and therefore have different opinions about things...and there is nothing wrong with that.

I have seen a few others make posts that they also believe that everyone judges, and many posts that say they don't think anyone should. So just curious as to what people think in terms of this topic, how "judging" is presented in the many different conversations, whether it's human nature or just spiteful behavior etc.

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Rosie - posted on 04/19/2010

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exactly dana, i was going to bring that one up as well! you think it is because of what you've experienced. i've been abused as a child and i don't consider spanking abuse, but i can't sit here and assume you would feel the same way because you have different experiences in life. it's funny how that all works out.

Belinda - posted on 04/19/2010

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It's human nature and opinions are like assholes. I think that if someone can't take it (within reason), they shouldn't be in this particular forum.

Jackie - posted on 04/19/2010

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No kati I think you made perfect sense actually. You just reworded my point, ya you judge...but in the long run it doesn't matter. But if I'm going to come to a debating forum I'm still going to voice my opinion b/c that's why I am here. But doesn't mean I confront people, or lose sleep over what someone else does, but if we're going to talk about it, i'm going to say what I think. Just like if that "mom in the store" asked me what I thought...I would tell her but won't initiate the conversation by any means.

Rosie - posted on 04/19/2010

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i think we all judge the crap out of people. if i see a 2 year old with a pacifier in their mouth, i'll think to myself geez, why can't they get rid of that thing yet?, but i won't tell someone that, and what i've learned from this sight, is that what other people do with their kids isn't really that important to me unless it affects my kid. sure i'll still judge them, but in the long run it doesn't matter to me.



and some people think about different things differently. my son is circumcised, others kids aren't. i know some on here think i'm a crazy mutilating mother, and i think they're crazy hippies for thinking that way, but it doesn't matter to them, or me ,one way or another cause it's not their kid. i obviously don't judge someone who's kid is circumcised or not cause it doesn't matter to me, others do cause it matters to them. just like i think that someone who breastfeeds over a year is strange, others have absolutely no opinion on it, some people are adamant about it. i think out life experiences have alot to do with what we judge, and how passionate we are about such things. you are passionate about co sleeping cause you've seen the negatives about it, i've seen the negatives too so when i see it i judge as well. others have wonderful experiences so they don't see the negative.

i feel like i'm not making any sense, lol! in my head i am!

C. - posted on 04/19/2010

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"We are our own person, and therefore have different opinions about things...and there is nothing wrong with that."



It's all in how you word things.. You can do it in a non-confrontational way.



We're all guilty of it from time to time, yes, but you can't keep going off b/c someone found you to be judgmental. Just accept it, apologize if you like and move on. And if it bothers you, I guess just try to be more careful of how you word things the next time.





"b.c a debating community is not the place to be if you think everyone is all fluffy and emotionless towards what others do."



Honestly, Jackie.. I don't think it's that people care about your opposing opinion, so much as they care that someone who has never been in there shoes is so quick to judge and call them "bad and lazy parents."



I had to edit this.. I was trying to be nice in the first part, but had to come back to add the last bit after I saw what you had written in your last comment.



What I don't get is when someone is being so judgmental, is confronted about it and brings it up in almost every thread they write in after that.. Can we all just be a little grown up and move on, please?

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Sarah - posted on 04/22/2010

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It's human nature to judge other people. I think the difference is between people that make snap judgements and stick to them no matter what, and people who make snap judgements but still realise that there could be a different story going on behind it.

For example, if i see an older child in a pushchair (stroller) then my automatic thought is "man, that kid is WAY to old for that!" but, i also know there could be reasons for it, some disability that i'm not aware of or something.

I would never go and "have a go" at someone for something like that. It's not my business, and as i've said, i might not know the full story.

We ALL pass judgements on people, it just depends on whether you're willing to see the broader picture about things or not. :)

Jane - posted on 04/21/2010

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Interesting....I consider myself non-judgemental and I firmly believe I am. I have made SO many mistakes in my life...with one of them being a major whopper and I was judged to the point where I lost friends over it. What bothered me was that people did not live my life...they did not know what went on in my home and I was judged based on what they thought versus what they knew and it pissed me off. I vowed from that day forward that I would never judge because I didn't know the circumstances of ones life. I will give an opinion when asked but if not asked, I say nothing and I always wonder why someone is doing or has done something rather than assuming and passing judgement. And just for the record, no, I'm not a religious person :).

Lyndsay - posted on 04/21/2010

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Well, in all honesty, if I think a person is wrong I have to call them out on it. I will try to do so respectfully (unless I am completely appalled, then no guarantees), and I acknowledge that I am not always right in other people's minds, but there are some things I just have to comment directly on.

April - posted on 04/19/2010

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definitely human nature (most of the time!). it is so immediate and impulsive sometimes. here's a good example, i was out to eat with my son. The boy sitting next to him was well over 3 years old with a pacifier in his mouth and the tiniest bib you ever saw. It must have been from his newborn days (not kidding). well, immediately i thought thought his parents just wanted to keep him a baby a little while longer. My rational mind didn't consider that maybe he had special needs (the judging came first) until later.

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I got ripped a new one the other day for saying ' spanking ' is a form of child abuse, IMO! Oh well, what do you do? Right?! I apologized to the people I offended but it doesn't change how I feel!

You're right Kati! Who gives a shit what people say......don't lose sleep over it!

Rosie - posted on 04/19/2010

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i think alot of what is hard and why people take offense is that when someone says "i feel circumcision is mutilation" so now those of us who have circumcised our sons are now considered mutilaters (is that a word?), and our children are apparantly mutilated freaks, which yeah it does piss me off. but after thinking about it, i could give a shit less about what someone thinks on here, it's a debating forum, they spoke their side, i speak my side, that's what it's for. there's no way of getting around your way of feeling, if you think circumcision is mutilation, you're gonna say it. why should they not say what they feel just because they might hurt my feelings? just like in the next thread i'll say something someone else doesn't like (which i'm apparantly getting very good at lately, sigh), but i'm still going to say it because it's how i feel. it all balances out somewhere here.

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OMG! I typed out a novel only to have it disappear in to thin air....ugh! Anyhow, there's a difference between ' judging ' someone and ' passing judgement ' on someone! EVERYONE judges to some extent and yes, we're wired that way......it's human nature and it's healthy! Passing that judgement onto someone is unacceptable UNLESS they've asked for ur opinion such as in a forum like this......we're here to debate! People ask specifically for our opinions and when we respond with an opposing view we're ' judging ' ? NO! We're expressing our opinions and experiences......IMO, if someone feels ' judged ' by another person it's usually a result of their own insecurities or inadequacies OR they're just reading too much into something......don't make it personal unless it's personally directed at you!

LaCi - posted on 04/19/2010

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I make a general judgement about everyone I see. I further judge them as soon as the open their mouth. Usually by that point I've made up my mind about whether I want to bother talking to them or hurry away as quickly as possible. I'm also a people watcher. I watch and judge, listen to other peoples conversations and judge. I judge who I'll sit next to in class based on location, conversation, and appearance. I judge frequently.



Might I add, my first impression is generally correct, and I've rarely changed my mind about someone, if I didn't like them when I saw them, 99% chance I didn't like them when I heard them speak. I don't voice it, It's always kept to myself. I disagree that you can't judge a book by its cover, if I see someone I can immediately figure the probability that I will actually enjoy this person. Human nature, we judge everything.

Jackie - posted on 04/19/2010

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Ya, most of my post is towards what happens on here. I just disagree with how bent out of shape people get at others for having strong opinions...b.c a debating community is not the place to be if you think everyone is all fluffy and emotionless towards what others do. If that was the case we'd have nothing to debate about, every post would just be "your kid your choice" and that would be it, and this would get boring quickly. =-)

Lady - posted on 04/19/2010

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It's human nature to judge, but as long as you keep your opinions to yourself then no one can critisize you for it. On here it's a different matter, if your asking for advice or giving advice or putting your opinion forward then people are going to alway disagree with you. The silly thing is to get upset about it, I admit that I sometimes do, even if there has been ten people who agree but one doesn't then I want to know why. But then I go away and think about it and realise they are as entitled to their opinion as I am, as much as I would like to be I'm not always right. I think half the problems on here are because people don't always read into the post what the person really meant or are too quick to respond when they haven't really thought about what that person had said. If something annoys you or you feel someone is judging you then I recomend stepping away from the computer for a while and think before responding - a lot of arguments and hurtful words would be avoided if we were all to do that.

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