Living together before getting married

Jazmyne - posted on 10/24/2012

Mark and I met Jan of '11 engaged: february 13 '11 Married april 11 '11 Moved in together: May 4 '11. First Child together jan 23 '12 we kind of skipped over the dating stage. But if you think that's fast I'll use my "parents" as an example (I use the term 'parents' loosely) Met: May 30th Married June 30th. (can't remember the year) they knew eachother a total of a month LOL :)

Clarissa - posted on 12/18/2010

try on the shoe before you buy it, and make sure your going to like it for a very long time :) im not married yet but me and my fionce have been living together for over a year.

Amanda - posted on 11/14/2010

I was not married with my first 2 children, and I was with my last 2. I would most definetly say that I would rather live together for a bit before gettin married!! I couldn't imagine just marrying someone without living with them to see what things are going to be like! That would be like going to a dealership, buying a car and not test driving it first! Or going to buy clothes and just buying them without trying them on. Now yes with both of those you could take it back, with a receipt or if they offer the 30 day gurantee, but if you were to get married, move in and it not work out, you're now stuck with either a divorce, or being miserable! I'll say I'd rather live with someone before marrying them most definetly!

Tah - posted on 11/12/2010

well i never lived with my husband without being married to him and i fancy myself a pretty smart gal..we are happy as butterflies and rainbows look and we wouldn't have had it any other way.

Roxanne - posted on 11/12/2010

I think its, honestly, dumb to get married with someone without ever having lived with them. You have to live with your chosen one before you tie the knot.. theres soooo many things you learn about him while living together that you wouldve never known. Thats just my personal entitled opinion..

Nikkole - posted on 11/11/2010

Me and my husband met each other when i was 13 he was 16 we started dating when i was 14 he was 17 we had sex not long after (we were each others first) I believed the first time i saw him we were meant for each other i know that sounds cheesy but its the truth about a year after we dated he proposed to me if we could have gotten married when i was 15 i would have done it but we couldn't we had to wait till i was 18 and now we have 2 beautiful children together and our love is as strong as it was 8yrs ago! I didn't live with my husband till we were married thats because his mother wouldn't let me move in! But i dont think i would want my daughter to move in with some boy unless she found someone like i did!

Anika - posted on 11/09/2010

@Tah - I wasn't meaning specifically you and your situation. I was just replying to your "If it will make me happy, why wouldn't he?" question.

And I am married. We've been together almost 11 years, married almost 3. We still celebrate the 11 years because that's what's important to us - our relationship/life together. I often forget we are married, its just not a big deal to me.

Tah - posted on 11/09/2010

Look...he proposed, he brought it up, everytime we started planning the wedding, it was him that came to me...I am not saying that one person's happiness is more important than the other, but if you 2 aren't on the same page about marriage, then thats a BIG problem....I didn't grow up like that, nor did he, we both were uncomfortable with the living together before marrige..he more so then me actually..which is why he proposed i would reckon anyways.., i grew up with parents that have been married what...43 years already..there was no hanky panky before the wedding vows and def. no living together, if you visit my parents with you bf/gf..they don't care if you have been together for 15 years with 4 kids...seperate rooms or the hotel. his gandfather deacon...same thing...i'm sure it has to do with how we were raised also..or maybe it is the little big town song.."little white church"..."i may be cheap but i ain't free....no more chicken and gravy, no more callling me baby.ain't gonna have your baby...take me down...take me down.....to the little white church"...look i guess, by how hard your are debating this, that you aren't married and are living together, and hey, if thats what you want, more power to you (if you are married, geez...you are fighting this one hard)..it wasn't for me, i felt if i was going to act like a wife, i should at least get to go on your insurance...and thats how i feel...

Rebecca - posted on 11/08/2010

My boyfriend and I started out as strangers and roommates. lol. He moved in with me and my other roomie at the time cuz he needed a place to stay and we needed the extra help. One thing led to another.

Anika - posted on 11/08/2010

@Tah - you can look at it the other way though. If your partner is wonderful and you are happy but they have issues about getting married and that is the ONLY thing that you have problems with, then why do they have to do it? Just because you want to? Why must your happiness be more important than theirs?

Christina - posted on 11/08/2010

If I had lived with my ex-husband before we got married, we never would have gotten married! This time around, I've been living with Shawn since January. We consider ourselves married, and are infact common law married. We have to get a divorce if we want to split up legally. However, we do plan on having an actual wedding, but that is only because neither of us has ever had one. It is more for our families and our children. To us, we are just as content buying rings without a ceremony.

Tah - posted on 11/07/2010

p.s..i didn;t say that was the only thing i didn't like about him..but if it;s important to the other person and you love them and want them to be happy..why wouldn't you..if you are already living like you are...what is the problem...

Tah - posted on 11/07/2010

yes..agree to disagree..i think i said that already..lol....you have your views and i have mine..i felt how i felt and the same for you...i did it, and wouldn't do it again and it works for me...

Anika - posted on 11/04/2010

We're just going to have to agree to disagree on this one because I still reckon your case is an example FOR living together. From the way you describe him, he sounds like a good guy but there was obviously something incompatible between the two of you. You lived together, it didn't click, so you broke up. I don't see how being married first would have helped that situation.
If a guy is great and the ONLY thing you (and when I say 'you' I don't specifically me you Tah) don't like about him is that he won't marry you, then I think you're crazy to break up with him. Again, the relationship is what matters to me, not the marital status.

Tah - posted on 11/02/2010

let me say this...he was the sweetest guy you would ever had wanted to meet. Quiet, family oriented, hard-worker, attentive..etc...so no he wasn't a douche..he started having douche moments...lol..but even when we broke up he paid my rent on the townhouse and took care of myself and my daughter while i was finishing school so that my money could be saved. He actually took my daughter to philly a few days a week with him so that i could focus...so like i said..not a douche..lol. We still have a ok relationship, we don't have court-ordered child support or visitation, we handle everything between ourselves and it has worked out fine. My husband actually gets a little jealous because he wants to know what i am laughing at when we talk..lol...so like i said, douche moments...



Now with the expectations..they were his, or so he said..when he proposed to me, we had in no way discussed being engaged. We both talk about the things you talk about when you are dating, yes i want to be married have this amount of children, a house in this part of town...eventually...when he walked in and proposed...it without any urging from myself...everytime he said let's start planning this wedding, it was NOT preceded by any urging from me...When he would would cancel them, you know what i would say...Don't talk to me about planning weddings unless you are sure you want to be married, i am not forcing you into anything so stop embarrassing me since i am the one that always has to call people a cancel...If we had decided that we would just live together until the cows came home, then it would not have been a problem, but we both had the same expectations



I am not one of those girls who cries and whines that a man won't commit..hell i have been accused by guys if being a man because of how i am. I don't give ultimatiums, You know what i expect and if it's to much, to the left. You know how i know we had the same expectations. Because a year after we broke up, i was married to someone else and about a year and had after i was married, (to which he did not react well to say the least, lol. He was married himself. We both married people we had never lived with until it was legal. So option B doesn't fit either



Let me also say that we come from families where marriage is first. My parents and oldest sister didn't move in pre-marriage and they have been married 43 and 23 years. My husband thinks that the fact he lived with his ex first had alot to do with some of their problems...that and she is the most selfish, entitled...well you get it. So we have the same views as well. Even if we didn;t always practice it.

Anika - posted on 11/01/2010

I see your reasoning Tah. But what I'm saying is, either A) he was a douche and even if you had married first, he would have showed his douchiness some other way and then you'd still end up married to a douche or if that was his only douche quality then option B comes into play which is, he was fine and it was your expectations that were the problem.

Getting married doesn't change how your brain functions. It doesn't stop you from making bad decisions and treating your partner badly.

Tah - posted on 11/01/2010

here is my point...he got comfortable..even at his admission. He said he was getting everything he wanted and needed without actually having to make the committment or give me what i wanted and needed. Had I stuck to my guns, he would have had something to work towards instead of getting everything up front. it may sound like a argument for living together first...but to me, it's the opposite, and that is okay too.

Anika - posted on 11/01/2010

I was thinking about the whole cow and milk analogy and came up with one about how I feel about marriage.

Your relationship with your partner is like a cake. And the icing is marriage. The icing can make the cake sweeter and therefore more enjoyable, but I bought the cake (so to speak) because I wanted cake. Not because of the icing. The icing is nice, its showy, it announces "I AM A CAKE!" but it doesn't make the cake what it is and its not the best part of the cake. The cake is still a cake without the icing. And there are a few people out there who are all about the icing and don't really care much about the cake. And then they wonder why they get a stomach ache - because sometimes too much icing just makes you sick.

I wanted the cake. I have the cake. Sure, I dressed it up with a bit of icing, but the cake is what makes me happy.

Mmm, I feel like cake......

Anika - posted on 11/01/2010

@Tah - Your example still sounds like an example FOR living together first. You lived together, saw that you didn't want the same things and that he 'talked the talk but didn't walk the walk' so to speak and you broke up. I don't see how being married first would have changed that......

Tah - posted on 11/01/2010

He proposed the first night we ever moved in with each other. He left saying he was going to pick up a bed, he came back without the bed, but with a 2.5 carat ring, woke me up from my pallat on the floor and popped the question. So yes, our goal was marriage. He became comfortable. He asked me, I never ever once gave him an ultimatium. when he could sense i was getting fed up or distant, he would say, hey i'm ready, i love you, lets start planning. I would oblige.



He would be right there with me, colors, food, music. Then he would freeze. He then started to change, comfort sat in. He was having his needs met without me having mine met. He actually said to me one day,(as if he didn't know who i was..lol)..."you can't leave me, you wouldn't know how. Excuse me sir, I had been working since i was 12 when you met me and taking care of my son since 16, I am sure i would figure it out.



To us the cow was marriage. To him he had put a downpayment on it(ring and proposal). I allowed him the milk for free(comfort, caring, after some years, a daughter he always wanted, cooking, cleaning, etc) His payments started being late(his caring, comfort, attention, respect, follow-thru, dependabilility, etc) Then they stopped coming at all. SO i repossessed it(the opportunity to marry me). Trust me, he was begging for the chance to get this milk back, Somebody else was already working on their chance to buy, and they did

Anika - posted on 11/01/2010

I'm just interested in the reasons why people think living together first was one of the reasons why their relationship didn't work. Without getting too into your personal life, Tah and others, can you give examples?

And the whole "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free" statement really depends on what you consider "the cow" to be. If you think getting married is the goal, well then yes, I can see how that statement could be true. BUT, if like me, you think "the cow" is living a happy life with someone you love, then that statement does not hold true. And I think that's what I've taken from this debate. Marriage has different meanings to people. Personally, I like being married, but I don't think it has enhanced my relationship with my husband in any way. We're an awesome partnership now (IMO, LOL) and we were before. I'm not trying harder now just because we're married. I don't think we're "One" now or anything. And some of you might think that's sad, and I'd probably think you're airy fairy.
And I still haven't read anything that would make me think getting married first and then living together is a good idea.....

Tah - posted on 10/31/2010

i lived with my ex first and i think THAT had alot to do with why it didn't work out..My husbadn was also living with his ex..when we met, we both decided that living together wasn't an option before marriage, neither was children...here we are 5 years later, and it was the right decision for us...i do believe in the giving the milk for free, won't buy the cow syndrome in alot of cases...

Joy - posted on 10/31/2010

Avvy, I just wanted to say that I respect the decisions that you made and the advice you say you will give to your daughter if this ever comes up for her. I also wanted to add that my ex-husband and I didn't live together first and...well, he's my ex-husband and it had a LOT to do with not living with him first. Two months after we married, I knew we had made a mistake. We weren't compatible at all, tried for 8 years to make it work and ultimately, he's my ex. I know of one other couple who married before they lived together and they didn't last a year. While I do know some couples who lived together first and divorced, the majority of my married friends lived together first and are still together. It's just a matter of personal choice and if a marriage isn't gonna work then the fact that they lived together first or not isn't even gonna come into play. Some people just don't evolve together.

Anika - posted on 10/31/2010

I agree with Jen. A lot of people have unrealistic expectations about married life. And that's one of the reasons why I think you should live together first. Better to be brought down to reality before you sign on the dotted line.

Kelina - posted on 10/30/2010

I think people who live together without the expectation of marriage are still in for a surprise after they get married. People who live together expecting that they're going to be together forever are basically already married. All that's missing is a piece of paper. But people who live together simply because they can are still in for a shock after they get married, at least from what I've seen. Because once they get married 1) it's harder for them to get out of the relationship and they usually put more effort into trying to stay together, and 2) because now that they're putting more effort into their relationship things change. i;m not saying this is true for everyone. But I also think it's a good idea to live together before you get married. Then again, i'm also one of those people who thinks you shouldn't really be in a relationship if you're not looking to get married.

Jen - posted on 10/30/2010

I have to agree with Jennifer, Joy & Anika. My husband and I lived together for 2 years before we got married and nothing about how we treat eachother or how we handle things is any different than it was prior to marriage. The only thing that has changed is my last name & now we have a wonderful, beautiful little girl :)

It's not so much about it being a trial run as much as if you are that committed and want to get engaged/married that you should live together first before taking that next BIG step.

I think alot of younger people.. (around here anyways, cause i've seen it happen).. have very unrealistic expectations about married life.

Anika - posted on 10/30/2010

I still don't agree Avvy. What issues do you mean?

Avvy - posted on 10/30/2010

Well for those of you had it work out great! There are as many great experiences as there are unfortunate ones. I suppose if I were advising my daughter I would say if you are finding that he is your soul mate and you are completely committed to each other then marry if on the other hand if you are looking for a trial run to see if it works then keep your options open and extend the dating period or take a break from each other for awhile and each of you see others.I'm not saying living together never works,just that if it doesn't the women sometimes has more issues to deal with than the guy.

Anika - posted on 10/29/2010

I don't get your comment either Avvy. Only difference in my relationship is our last name is now the same and we have more rings. EVERYTHING else is the same.

Joy - posted on 10/29/2010

I agree with Jennifer. We had our son before we married, but were living together for 4 years prior to that. By the time we got married, our son was 18 months old and nothing changed after. The only thing the piece of paper did was give me the honor of sharing the same last name as the man I love and our son.

Jennifer - posted on 10/29/2010

Avvy I know personally for me the way we live now is exactly the same as we lived pre-marriage. The onyl difference now is that we have a gorgeous son =]

Avvy - posted on 10/29/2010

Why do you need to? Living together is not ever going to be like living together after marriage. I am not saying no sex before marriage but the actual living together in a place you decorate pay bills together and sort through the chores together is not going to be a true representation of a marriage.Women need to maintain their independence in every way until they actually are legally wed. The dating period will give you the insight into his values and perspectives. Marriage will always have little glitches in it,nothing will ever be perfect,so I say girls take care of yourself until you decide to marry.

Alison - posted on 10/28/2010

It's pretty much the norm these days and I can understand why some people see it as an advantage. I knew one Christian couple who liked each other, but chose to only be friends while they shared a student house. They became a couple after college, but they never lived together as a couple before they got married. I never actually lived with my husband in the couple context, but we lived in the same house and shared chores. It is possible to get the domestic experience of living together without actually living together if you know what I mean.

Amy - posted on 10/28/2010

I was engaged after only 8 months. We just knew. We set our wedding for about almost two years ahead of engagement just because we knew we'd have to pay for the wedding ourselves. When we bought our house four months before getting married, we were there all the time fixing it up before getting married and a couple months before getting married, yes, we lived together. We figured we were committed in our hearts and the legal paper was all we were waiting on. I still love him. I wouldn't change a thing. He's a great man and he waited three months to kiss me. I got to know him as a friend before anything else. I feel honored, loved and respected every day. As for what my children do - it doesn't matter what I'd WANT. They are their own person and will make decisions I may or may not like. That's life. I will stress to my kids how thankful I am that when I'm making love to my husband, there are no other past people in my mind about who I slept with or how I slept with them, because he is the only man I've ever been with and will ever be with.

Melisa - posted on 10/27/2010

i think living together is a good thing..then you know what you are getting into. I lived with my husband 10 years before we got married and we have been together for 24(now that dates me) lol in this age where getting a devorce is so easy I think living together saves time and money, just jaded. my sons lived with they spouses first before getting married and they all knew what each others limitationsand quirks are, and as the other parent like to say also you can't complain(much) you knew what you were getting. lol my daughter is living with her boyfriend and we will wait on that one lol
we live in a fairly conservitive area but the norm seems to be leaning towards living together

Jennifer - posted on 10/27/2010

It's better to try before you buy =] The same with living with your partner before you marry. I think it's a fun and educational experience just like I think having sex before marriage is a wise option too.

Anika - posted on 10/27/2010

I don't think people lie more now or have more horrible habits. I think its more that now we don't have to put up with any crap from our partners, especially us women. We have rights now that we never had before. 50+ years ago you got married straight away and if you weren't compatible, tough. Now we have more options and I think its all for the better. Sure, people still stay in bad marriages and people who marry before living together can be happy and be together happily forever, but I'd rather know what I was getting into before signing on the dotted line.

Jen - posted on 10/27/2010

I would absolutely tell my child to live with someone first! My husband and i lived together practically from day one of our relationship. We knew eachother in high school, so it's not like I just shacked up with a stranger & never left. We just knew. We bought a house together and got engaged after being together for a year, and married 10mos later.

I think years ago, when people's values and characteristics were completely different, waiting for marriage was fine. BUT today people lie, have horrible habits, and don't really show their true colors for quite a while. I honestly believe that you don't know someone until you've lived with them (and just them no roommates).
Once you've lived with them, for lets say at least a year, you get to know all their little quirks and flaws. If you can live with that then consider getting engaged/married.

Karen - posted on 10/25/2010

I'm really happy to have not had sex and not lived with my now husband before we got married. As far as the concens about quirks and incompatibilities that you wouldn't know about unless you live together. I say good pre-marital counselling is a must. My then fiance and I had 6 months of intense counselling before our wedding. The counsellor helped us talk about and prepare for all of those things. Also, we talked through expectations, sex, money, kids - pretty much anything you can think of. It was great and prepared us very well.
As far as sex goes. It's been quite a journey for my husband and I. Had I taken a test drive before we got married, I may have decided we were sexually incompatible and split up with him. What a shame that would have been. Instead, since I was married and didn't believe divorce was an option - we've worked through it. A great marriage and wonderful family would have been lost if we tried before we bought.

Kathy - posted on 10/25/2010

In Australia it's fairly common thesedays tolive together before getting married. It's up to the couple. My husband and I lived together before we were married and that was 33 years ago - it wasn't so common then!

Christina - posted on 10/25/2010

I use to be against living together before marriage. Even though I was pregnant, I refused to live with my ex-husband until after we got married.
This time around however, Shawn has been living with me since the day we met. (Long story short, I met him through a mutual friend, he was suppose to be a one night stand. The next day, before he had a chance to leave, my neighbor at the time who was all strung up on drugs, threatened my life and the lives of my children, so he stayed put to make sure nothing happened to us as he is a former Marine.) We have been living together since January, and our relationship got serious very quickly. But we are not deluded. We know the "quirks" that the other has will not go away, so it is either find a way to coexist with them, or split up. We coexist :)

Rebecca - posted on 10/20/2010

my husband and i lived together for almost a year before getting married, and i'm glad we did :) my mom called it "shacking up" but we got to know each other alot better. my sister moved in with her husband after they were married.. she was supprised when she saw what it was like. lol

Jayde - posted on 10/06/2010

For me i had a boyfriend for two years & thought about marriage but would um & ah about it in my head. Then we broke up & a couple of years later when i joined the navy i met my hubby in recruit school. We were barely acquaintances at first, but once we found out that we were in the same class for our category training (a class of 14) & moved to sydney, we started dating &we ate every meal together, slept in the same block as each other (both sexes in the same block), had class together, studied together, stepped ashore together, did PT together (lots of this as a class) had the same friends etc.



Anyway, we fell in love in 1month & before i fell pregnant we spent 2months dating BUT how many couples spend 19hours/ day EVERYDAY together?? Normal dating would start out seeing each other 1 or 2 days week for ages or at all because of work & other things. From day dot my hubby saw me at my worst, my most stressed but also my best. He was (&is) my best ever friend. We got married the day after we finished training ( total of 4 full months of dating) & have never looked back we love each other so very much & he is a wonderful husband & father.

I don't believe sex before marriage is right because i am a Christian. I can't really say much, but those who are perfect cast the first stone.



The point to my post is you can be with a guy for ages but when you know, you know in my experience, no matter how long you've been together.

Barb - posted on 10/05/2010

I'm so sorry you had to go through that Amber but i'm happy you turned the negative into a positive for your family. Good for you!! you see the importance, the need. It's scary sometimes it takes something like that to make us realize it. My husband and i met when i was 23 and he was 37. We didn't have an accident or anything but we did have a heart to heart about our differences in ages and what would happen if i was on my own, how would i support myself, etc.

Good for you and i'm glad to see such great responsible people out there. thank you

Cat - posted on 09/27/2010

We moved in together in 2003, had a son in 2004 and got married in 2006.... So you could say we did everything ass backwards but it all worked out.... I don't think there is any wrong way to do it, marriage isn't going to be a cakewalk no matter how you approach it and everyones marriage is different

Amber - posted on 09/27/2010

I am 23, Chad is 37. We own our home and we both have enough life insurance to pay off the house and both vehicles. He has more than that, so that we would have extra money after all of the bills are paid. But he makes enough money that I don't need to carry a lot of insurance. We also have a college fund that is seperate from this that we contribute to monthly.
We made sure that most of this paperwork was in place when our son was born. But when our son was 9 months old, I was in a very bad car accident. A woman ran a stop sign and my vehicle rolled 3 times. After that, we really got serious about what would happen to our son and each other if another accident happened.
We have wills, so our property is safe from being taken. And have decided who gets our child if something should happen to both of us. It may sound morbid or worst case scenario, but I want to know that my child will not have any extra trauma on top of losing a parent or both parents.
I've always been a worrier...this is my way to sleep at night.

Barb - posted on 09/25/2010

To Amber;

Bob did a good job of making sure he had life insurance through where he worked so we had that to pay for the funeral and then extra we gave to her for expenses. She had to get a different car because the old one was in Bob's name and they took it back because he didn't get the death insurance on it. We are blessed the house they live in belongs to friends and they were happy to abate the rent until we got all finances straightened out.

I was mainly meaning social security benefit for survivors. We are all working together as a family to help her and our granddaughter. We have fund raisers for our granddaughters benefit. And we have a 529 education plan set up for her and her mother has a sprout account set up for her. so fund raiser donations are divided in thirds, 529 plan, sprout account and then the other third goes to our granddaughter's mom to help with her expenses.

May i ask how old you are Amber? And what made you think of doing all of this to protect each other?

Kelina - posted on 09/24/2010

my husband and began dating may 26th 2007, were engaged on our 6 month anniversary, married June 27th 2008 and found out were were pregnant 2 weeks before the wedding. We moved in togehter september of 2007 and I've never regretted it. However i was also one of those people who pretty much the first thing I told my husband when we got together was if he wasn't interested in marriage and family then he'd better go find another girlfriend! However I know full well that if we hadn't moved in together we wouldn't have made it. There's no way i could have handled having sex problems for the first two to three months of our marriage. I think it's a good idea, but only if you're serious about getting married eventually. I think a lot of people jump into living together simply because it means smaller rent payments and sex every night rather than because this is someone they want to spend the rest of their life with and have a future and possibly family with.

Amber - posted on 09/24/2010

@Barb~ I am so sorry that those things happened to your family. However, there are ways to protect yourself without marriage. We have wills and life insurance that include each other and our son. If anything were to happen to either one of us, the other would not suffer monetarily from it, nor would our son.
We are currently working on power of attorney paperwork, but our families know that in the event of an unforeseeable accident that we want the decision to be a joint decision.

Barb - posted on 09/24/2010

I would like to toss another idea into this mix. One I am facing now.

My stepson and his girlfriend did not get married. They have a beautiful little girl but the child carries the mother's last name because her and my stepson were not married.

My stepson was murdered in a home invasion robbery in July. Because they were not married she will not receive any survivors benefits. Our granddaughter will after a DNA test is done to prove he is her father (no doubt in my mind, just how the government wants it)

My stepson was only 31 and i think she is only 29, so it isn't like you plan your death at that age. They had been living together for 4 years.

I lived with my husband for 5 years before we got married. We believe that marriage is really the commitment you have to each other to want to spend the rest of your life together. The paperwork is just the legality to protect you and your spouse in times like these. Because she was not legally his spouse there are so many things she lost besides him.