Teenagers allowed to have sex at home...
MOST HELPFUL POSTS
I don't believe that birth control is a sin, but I do believe that sex outside of marriage is a sin. Sorry, I'm not capable of keeping my beliefs out of discussions because my beliefs are why I do or do not do things. There is no hypocrisy in that. NO ONE is perfect. Times may have changed, but God hasn't. And just because I believe that sex outside of marriage is a sin does NOT mean that I believe sex is evil or that anyone is going to hell for it. Every single person on this planet sins in one way or another every single day. Doesn't mean I'm going to condone sin just because 'times are changing'. Especially not when the sin has the potential to harm my child.
As a teenager my mom new I was having sex with my boyfriend. She didn't allow it in her house, but she was fine with me staying with him... I would NEVER allow my child to do that. Although, I thought I had the coolest mom, I now know she was wrong..
Well if you have nothing to compare it to, then you don't know if it's good or not. This may be TMI, but I didn't like sex for a long time. But I still loved my husband dearly. As time has passed, it's gotten so good. And I'm glad that he is the only one I've ever experienced it with.
Not trying to "blast" you, but I wanted to give the perspective of someone who did wait and has only done it with one person. And I agree that it is a very important part of marriage. =)
Ok I'm back with more than just a "no". I'm going to add some thoughts this time.
I'm all for being open and having an honest relationship with your kids. My parents were that way with me. But guess what? They taught me no sex before marriage. And I actually listened. When boys came over, my bedroom door had to stay open. They knew where I was and who I was with at all times. Now when I moved out and went to college, I had plenty of opportunity. And if I had had sex then I'm sure my parents wouldn't have been angry as I was an adult and responsible for my actions at that point. But what my parents taught me stuck with me and I waited. And I don't regret it. And I don't resent them because they never "forbade" me to do anything. They taught me and had honest conversation and respected me. And in return, I respected them.
So when it comes to my daughter I will do the same. When boys are over, the bedroom door must be open. I will know where she is and who she is with. I'm not so naive to think she can't lie. But if she lies and breaks my trust, then I turn into a disciplinarian. No going anywhere until you prove that you are trustworthy. I'm also not so naive to think she can't have sex outside my house or when she moves out. Like I said, when she is an adult she is responsible for her actions.
But I will not be allowing sex in my house. Unless she is married. =)
Depends on their age and depends on the partner. I am inclined to say that yes, I will allow my children to have sex in my house under certain circumstances, ie: if they are an appropriate age, if I know the person they are having sex with, if that person is willing to engage with me and the rest of the family and not just be there for sex and so long as they are respectful of everyone else who lives in the house.
My mother allowed me to have sex in our family home as a teenager (well, she allowed my boyfriend to stay the night many times and I'm sure she knew what we were doing) however, I was 16, my boyfriend and I had already been seeing each other for about 6 months and he was always made to feel welcome and ate dinner with the family and hung around with the family whenever he stayed the night. It's not like he and I would just race off to the bedroom and f*#k like bunnies the whole time.
I loved my mum for showing him and I the respect to allow us our privacy and allow us the right to pursue a relationship in the public and family eye. Consequently I had a very open relationship with my mum and she was always aware of where I was and what I was (likely) doing as I never felt I had to hide anything from her. Oh, and my boyfriend and I are still together to this day, 16 years later. So, maybe she was just a real good judge of character and if it was a different guy she wouldn't have been so lenient, who knows? She used to say to me "I don't want to know the details of what you are doing, but if you are doing it (sex) I would rather you were somewhere safe and felt like you could talk about it with me".
It will be hard for me to eventually acknowledge that my little boy has become a lustful teenager when the time comes, but I hope we have the same kind of honest relationship as I had with my mum. I can't expect that he will be fortunate enough to meet his future wife or love of his life at such a young age as I did, but I hope that his father and I will have instilled enough values, morals and respect for others in him that his early sexual relationships will be the kinds that I won't mind allowing under my roof. Living in hope, maybe?...
This conversation has been closed to further comments
Sara - posted on 05/09/2010
I would say yes and that is because I was allowed to in my home and my parents feelings were that if I were going to want to do it anyway they would prefer that they knew I was somewhere safe and secure not in some random place like the backseat of a car where police could be an issue. Also that open acceptance of this allowed for me to be very open with them and they never had to worry about me doing things behind their backs. Also, just because you would "allow" it doesn't mean that it will happen. I knew several other girls that were "allowed" and remained virgins into college and never actually acted on the permission given.
Rosie - posted on 05/07/2010
jane, it is disrespectful if your parents don't want it in there. i'm not saying they are disrespectful children just because they have sex in their parents house. the ACTIONS are disrespectful if your parent doesn't want you to have sex in their house.
i knew my parents didn't want me to have sex in their house, i still did once, i did plenty of other sexual activity in their house, and i'm not a disrespectful little turd. in fact, i was the best behaved teenager you could ever dream of having! :) but i do feel that i was disrespectful of my parents wishes when i did that. does that makes sense? :)
Jessie - posted on 05/07/2010
Well I plan on teaching safe sex, will talk to them about abstinence, and will NOT allow it in my home. If it happens or not is another story but I'm not going to condone it in my house. I think we will still be able to have an open relationship and talk about things but I think if they feel that they have to sneak around it prob. won't happen as much as if I'm allowing it. Again not naive enough to think it won't just don't feel the need to condone sex in my home. My parents didn't and although I didn't wait for marriage it meant something more to me because I waited a long time for someone special. Also, I'm not trying to call out anyone or say they are wrong but I just don't agree with seeing if you are compatible with someone. I mean I feel that whoever you marry if you love them enough you will be able to work it out somehow, sexuality is a huge part of marriage but it isn't everything. I've never had the problem so I'm not def. not an expert but just my opinion.
Cara - posted on 05/07/2010
Honestly, I can't imagine allowing teens to have sex at home. Teen years, full of wonderful new experiences... it seems to me that all the girls I knew in my teens that slept with their boyfriends went from one broken heart, hurt, even to the point of wanting to die, to another. (But he said he loved me!!!!)
It seems far better to encourage them to wait for some maturity and use that time to get involved in life, do something big.
Fortunately, my girls both think it is something best left for marriage. My older daughter has a boyfriend who understands her boundaries and respects them.
In her words, 'a guy would would risk my future by having sex with me, risking pregnancy, couldn't possibly love me or respect me.'
And, interestingly, the boyfriend (who is not a virgin) said, 'I actually feel a bit relieved to know that sex isn't an option. It tends to over-complicate a relationship and make it more serious than it really is." That said, he does tell her that it doesn't mean he doesn't think about it, he just smothers those thoughts quickly, lol.
Tanya, you took that verse out of context. It was the reason for spilling his seed that God took his life, not the act of spilling the seed itself.
A little off topic, but this is another example of God looking at the heart and intentions and not the act. Christianity is not about a list of rules to follow.
Celia - posted on 05/06/2010
I will have to talk about it with my other half when the time comes but off the top of my head the answer is no. If you are adult enough to have sex (with all the concequences that I've taught him about by then) then he better have a job and pay for a hotel...haha! I know, more like a car or a tent while camping, her place if her parents dont mind, etc.
I am not thinking he wont have sex but the last thing I need is his hormones messing with my life by having an angry mother of his girlfriend stomping her butt over to our house to charge me with the delinquency of a minor. So I know they are knocking boots but not under my roof. Be grown up enough to find your own place to get it on.
Jane - posted on 05/06/2010
It is interesting that people talk about IF your older teenage child/young adult has sex either before marriage, or in their parents’ home, that they have less than good morals or are disrespectful. I would whole heartedly disagree on that one. First of all, how is it disrespectful if it is allowed. I allow it for reasons I’ve stated in a much early post on this thread. Based on that, there is absolutely no disrespect going on. As well, my daughter, who is now 20, has wonderful morals. She is a very respectful young woman who frankly, I get complimented on all the time by friends, family and even strangers.
With regards to birth control being a sin. I don’t believe that because honestly, even a married couple abstaining during fertile times is essentially “controlling birth”. So is the rhythm method that the Catholic Church taught when I got married in the church back in the 80’s during my pre-cana classes. Why is it that it’s ok to abstain to not get pregnant or use the rhythm method to not get pregnant but taking birth control pills is not OK….makes absolutely no sense to me. Being a logical person, honestly, most things about religion make no sense to me…hence my not believing in organized religion and that people should not follow the bible. But, that’s not really the point. And also, I’m not really asking for an answer…I’m just trying to show how I think religion with regards to birth control is hypocritical.
Rosie - posted on 05/06/2010
i'm not too sure. part of me says allowing it is like an open invitation to have sex, but part of me know that they are going to do it whereever they can if they can't do it in the house.my first and 2nd times were in a cornfield, and forawhile after that it was the car-AWESOME....
i think it will be known that i think it's disrespectful to have sex in my house. doors will be completely open if girls are over, and i may allow a date to spend the night on special occasions like prom, or something. i will make sure they know they can talk to me about anything and if they do decide to have sex they will be aware of std's, pregnancy, AND, the emotional aspect of sex. i will be like a drill sargeant, pounding the information in their heads! !lol! hopefully my boys will respect my wishes.
Alisa - posted on 05/06/2010
I only threw out "birth control is a sin" because someone stated that "God established sex as a gift for married couples". I am a religious person, but I also believe that times have changed and that things need to change with them. I see alot of people using the bible to defend thier opinion, and I just want to point out the hypocrisy. I'm not saying this about anyone in particular, it's just a general statement. I myself and guilty of this. I'm just trying to point out the other side of things.
I would never let my teenager have sex in my house because I don't believe in having sex before both partners are emotionally AND financially prepared to care for the child they might create. Birth control or not, babies happen and teenagers are simply not prepared for that.
Of the teen mothers I know (and I know quite a few) NONE of them graduated college! Their lives and the lives of their children are very difficult, they are constantly under stress due to financial shortcomings, their children lack the opportunities other children enjoy (like tee ball or swim class) because they simply can't pay for them.
I expect my son to live up to the standards I set for him. I will make sure that he knows about birth control and it's ineffectiveness on teenage girls, and condoms for himself. I will also let him know that if he gets a girl pregnant he will be expected to get a part time job while in college and give the mother of his child his pay while I pay his tuition, room, and board. When he graduates college and is no longer my dependent, he may do as he pleases.
Melissa - posted on 05/05/2010
Not sure about this one, but my son who is now 23yrs old never did that I know of, but I did give him his first condom at the age of 12. I figured it was about time since I found dirty magazines between his mattresses.
Amanda - posted on 05/05/2010
Stop throwing the bible at every issue. Not everything needs to be about how EVIL something is. Sex is not evil, rape might be, but not sex. As far as birth control and your menstrual system goes, Most of the time girls are put on bc to regulate their periods... so who knows if your period was gonna be messed up or not. There's no way to put that on having taken bc or not. I'd rather have my daughter have a messed up period than a kid in high school that I would end up having to help take care of/pay for. I had really bad issues with all forms of bc I took when I was a teenager, BUT I didn't get pregnant, so it did it's job very much to my satisfaction, and my mom's. And I don't think I'm gonna go to hell when I die because I chose to have sex with someone other than my husband before I got married lol... and I don't think any of my kids will if they decide to have sex outside of marraige. There's this saying about glass houses...
I don't really want to get into the birth control debate, but I'll say this and then stop.
It's really up for interpretation as birth control is very modern and the Bible and other religious books were written long before its invention. I believe that taking the life of a created child (abortion) is wrong, but taking measures to prevent conception is okay. And even if you (not you specifically) are against birth control, there are ways to prevent pregnancy. You can chart your temperature, measure your mucus and keep a calendar. I know people who have done this for years and have been successful at not getting pregnant.
In all honesty though, I'd be more worried about the other consequences of sex more than the possibility of my daughter getting pregnant. In addition to the possibility of STDs, sex is a very emotional thing. I would hate for her to give herself to a guy because she thinks she's in love, then he go and break her heart. You can't get that first time back. And I'm glad my first time was with my husband, whom I will be with until we die.
Krista - posted on 05/05/2010
I honestly have no idea how I would react. It probably depends on the situation. If they're older teenagers (17+) and have been in a serious relationship for awhile, I wouldn't give them explicit permission, but if I suspected shenanigans, instead of freaking out on them, I'd just do stuff like walk REALLY loudly while approaching where they are, to give them time to scramble for their clothes so they don't get "caught". I wouldn't really forbid it or condone it.
Mind you, it's very easy to speak theoretically about this. Who knows...when the time actually comes, you may see me on the porch with the shotgun.
Alisa - posted on 05/05/2010
As for putting your girls on birth control, let me say this: It is her choice. It is hormones in chemical form. I was put on birth control when I turned 12. It is my belief that I have never had a regular period because of this. I think that you should leave this dicision up to your daughter. She can go get the pill with you if she asks and in many places she can get this without your permission, just by asking her doctor, and the doctor can't even tell you. As for religious beliefs: Sex is for a husband and wife.... for procreation and the use of birth control is also a sin. And I bet that many of the parents who feed this line to your children are using it. So if you can pick and choose how you follow the commandments why can't your children. Now I wish I waited until I was married, so I will definately push abstinance, but I will also let them decide. And I will provide any birth control they wish to have available. No questions!! I wouldn't want my daughter to come home pregnant just because I wouldn't help her protect herself.
Alison - posted on 05/05/2010
If we are talking about teenagers, the answer is no. I waited til I was married (age 27!) and I hope they will too. There will definitely be an open door policy (i.e. no teenagers behind closed doors). I cannot tell my kids I think they should wait, and then let them hang out in their bedroom with their boyfriend.
As adults, I would treat it differently. But as teenagers is "no"!
Julie - posted on 05/05/2010
Allowing that doesn't teach your child a set of morals that are good for them.....not only that but disrespecting your home. I have a 10 yr. old daughter and if I allowed that as she got older I wouldn't be teaching her the respect for her life and her body that will help her make better chioces and succeed; not to mention that God established sex as a gift for married couples and to cheapen that detroys sucha great joy that it would be an extreme disservice its up to you as the parent to set the standards and hopefully set the example....allowing sex at home opens them up for a world of problems; sure they could find other places but at least cutting down the chances would help
Amy - posted on 05/05/2010
I was engaged and we did sleep at each others' houses for a couple months before we found our house and got paperwork and it ready to move in. We asked our parents for permission. IF they'd have said no, we wouldn't have. We moved in our own house as soon as possible - even though we had to live in construction - and then we were married a couple months later. Half the time we slept at each others houses we didn't have sex though. It was just kinda weird for us. But I think it would be different for my kids if they weren't engaged. I do know that my husband and I have said that we won't ever work the same shift so there is no time for teens to do anything here. They will find a place if htey really want to do it, but our rules growing up was doors always open to bedrooms when anyone was over - until graduation.
April - posted on 05/05/2010
jane mcnally said it all for me...i agree with her 100%. as for my own experience, i waited until i was in college but i didn't want to have sex at my parents or his. i am hearing impaired and this might be TMI...but I can't tell how loud i'm being. i would be very embarassed if my parents or his heard us!!!
I wouldn't "allow" my childrne when they are teenagers to have sex in our house but I know it may well happen. I think as long as they are above the age of consent and practice safe sex that's their choice.
I lost my virginity when I was 17 and did have sex in my mam's house but I never expected her to say you can have sex in the house and my boyfriend (now husband) wasn't allowed to sleep over. I slept at his instead.
Emma - posted on 05/04/2010
You know even though my fokes let my serious boyfriend sleep over when i was 16 i never had sex, but as we where in my house with my parents in the house too, it was a handy buffer for me as teenage boys can try there luck from time to time if things where going to far i would just say we cant do that hear my parents are downstairs, and we always hung out at my house.
So just because you let your kids boyfriends sleep over dose not mean they will have sex .
I didn't wait til marriage though I originally intended to (had a LOT of self imposed guilt about that choice), but I've still only been w/ one man and unless I get married again (BIG if)... I will only ever have been w/ one man.
Another reason that I won't give permission for my unmarried kids to have sex in my house... I'm already teaching them God's design for sex (not intended to be part of the debate, but I can't leave my beliefs out of my life) and that He designed it to be for marriage only (though not everyone waits... they've been told that too), so how hypocritical would it be of me to raise them understanding my beliefs, but then to go against those beliefs... ? :)
Jane - posted on 05/04/2010
I have to say one thing which will probably get me blasted by a lot of folks. With regards to waiting until married. What happens if you're not sexually compatible. That would totally suck to be married and have a crappy sex life. I don't believe in waiting until you are married. While I'm not a one night stand believer, either, I think if you are in a serious relationship, you need to check it out before buying, if you know what I mean. To me, sex is a very important part of marriage and if you wait, you have no idea what in the world you're getting into.
Jane - posted on 05/04/2010
My kids are 20 (girl) and 16 (boy). My kids and I have always had an opened discussion line when it came to sex. I'm a product of the 70's (born in '59) and it was very important to me to teach my kids about sex early, about safe sex, about waiting until they were mature enough to understand what it meant, etc. The day my daughter was thinking about sex, she came to me immediately (she was 17) and asked me to take her to the doctor to get her on the pill and to help her buy condoms (she's a double protection girl). Her boyfriend of almost 4 years is an amazing young man, who is very respectful of my daughter and us. He is part of our family. His parents are the same as we are and my daughter spends the night at their house and him at ours My thought was this....they either have sex at home or in a car somewhere and honestly, I didn't want the car thing. So, yes, I allowed it...and still do when she's home from college. My son and his girlfriend have been dating for almost 2 years...the first year really wasn't dating...it was more meeting at the mall with other friends. He also is very opened to discuss sex with myself, his dad or my husband (divorced from my kids dad) and we've been having a lot of discussions lately. He is not uncomfortable talking to me at all so I know, when the time comes, he'll either buy the condoms himself or ask us to help him. I will also allow him to have sex in our home. I'm not a naive mom and want my kids to be comfortable with knowing that they can have a safe place to be with their girl/boyfriends and know they don't have to sneak around or have sex in some parking lot in a car.
A perent has the right to say no to something happening in their own house because they are paying the bills. I would have to say not in my house because I feel that it's my job as a parent to uphold the law and the standard of morality that I expect from my child. I can't force him to agree with me, but that doesn't mean that I have to like it or let it happen under my roof.
I can understand why some parents give the ok to it because they're worried that their teen won't take precautions if it happens elsewhere, but what about the other party who is not their child? You can make decisions for your own children, but there is no such right to anyone elses children. I would be livid if I found out that a girls parents were allowing my son to use their home to have sex.
Amanda - posted on 05/04/2010
I'll make darn sure that my son(s) knows not to be stupid and get a girl knocked up before ATLEAST graduating high school, and hopefully getting married lol.. I will definately buy him a huge pack of condoms and tell him if they run out he BETTER either buy more or tell me he needs more. If/when I have a daughter(and his goes for any girlfriends too) they WILL be told about birth control, and my daughter will definately be on something by 14 at the very latest, wether she is sexually active or not, I could care less, she's going on something lol. As for the sex in my home, that's a really touchy subject. My mom allowed it, and of course I didn't hate that fact at the time lol. I don't think she should've allowed it so quickly in my relationships(I would be with guys for like no time at all and she wouldn't say anything when they started sleeping over). I think there should atleast be guidelines...
1. You both better be atleast 16, on birth control of some sort, and using condoms.
2. I will talk to her/his parent to make sure they don't have a problem with sleeping over.
3. The relationship should be atleast semi-serious, not like "oh we've been dating for like two weeks now" lol
4. If I hear anything, I WILL barge in and completely embarass and scar you for life.
Luckily, my son is only 3 and I'm still having kids, so I definately have a while to wait and decide on all the particulars and how "cool with it" I actually will be.
Oh, and I definately plan to talk up abstinance as much as humanly possible lol... I don't really care if you wait till marraige, just don't have ur first time mean nothing and be with some idiot you just met and don't care about, ya know?
Toni - posted on 05/04/2010
This is such a difficult topic. I think this and many other issues that effect teenagers have to be handled very specifically to that child. We are all different and so are our children. It is important to know them and no how to handle them. I also think that dealing with this is a matter of balancing teaching the to be responsible with their choices and encouraging them to do things they are not ready for. You want your teenagers to act responsibly when it comes to sex but have to be careful not to encourage them to go do it.
Lyndsay - posted on 05/04/2010
Hmm. This is a toughie, thank god my kid is only 2! Haha. Seriously though, I don't know. Growing up, sex in my home was strictly forbidden but I did it anyway. I once had a boyfriend who's bedroom was directly off of the living room where they sat to watch TV. His parents also did not allow sex in the home, and made us leave the door open a crack while we were in there, and we still had sex.
I think it all depends. I am already planning to leave a cookie jar filled with condoms in a discreet place (such as the hall closet), where it will be easily accessible to him and refilled whenever necessary without question. I think its all about safe sex.
Isobel - posted on 05/04/2010
Here's my deal...I believe that it is a teenager's "job" to get away with as much as humanly possible...and it's my job to make it as difficult as humanly possible.
You didn't ask if my kids WILL have sex in my house (I'm sure they will and I don't want to think of the future defiling of my bed thank you very much). You asked if I will ALLOW them to...and no, I will not.
I will teach them about birth control, about responsibility, respecting their body and each others...but I will NEVER, ever, allow my kids' boyfriends/girlfriends to spend the night.
I'm selfish, I like my sleep, and I would not be able to sleep knowing what they are likely up to.
Jocelyn - posted on 05/04/2010
Yes I would, on a few conditions. One, I don't want to HEAR anything (rofl), two, they would have to be in a serious relationship, three, and would have to both be at least 16. And my husband must never know I allowed it :P If it's just a one night stand kind of thing, then they can go find a car...
Alisa - posted on 05/04/2010
So just out of curiosity, where do you ladies who wont let your children have sex at home expect them to have sex?
Because the truth is if they want to, they are going to! I know that I wouldn't want them to be sneaking around having sex in places where they could get into trouble.
I feel like if I raise my daughter right that she will be responsible enough to make good decisions on her own. I also feel that I would provide the means for her to protect herself against pregnancy and STD's. I really believe that teenagers do things just because they aren't allowed to, and not because they want to. Hopefully I can teach my little girl to respect herself enough to wait 'til she is ready and has found the right partner. Maybe this person will be the one, but maybe it will just be someone she is in love with and who treats her with respect.
So this is what I have to say about this for now. I have many more thoughts on this.
Emma - posted on 05/04/2010
Fiona what you said.
I never had sex in my parents house mainly coz the idea grossed me out, not that i did not have the opportunity.
But my mom was blatant she would give all my boyfriends the lecture about safe sex it always started with if you are sleeping with my daughter you better be using a condom and treating her with respect, and if at any point the word no comes out of her mouth you will stop ect ect Many boyfriends got this talk even though they where never having sex with me.
I only had sex once i was living on my own ....lol
Sunny - posted on 05/04/2010
Ditto to everything Fiona said lol
Oh i might add that my mum was more of the close your eyes and pretend it doesn't happen type, where as my partner's mum through a pack of condoms at him and told him "get someone pregnant and you're f**ked" lol
We have been together since we were 14 :)
Tanya - posted on 05/03/2010
I know it will happen but it will happen less often if I tell him not in my house. I still have a long time to go but I also think that he will have to have his door open when he has his girlfriend over for a while. Also wondering if you ladies have already debated when to have the sex talk?
Heather - posted on 05/03/2010
This is a long way off for me, but I dont think I would give my son or any future children permission to have sex in my home, but I wont be naive to the fact that it will probably happen. I know I did and as far as I know my parents never even knew about it. lol
Join Circle of Moms
Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.Join Circle of Moms