Very touchy subject- please be nice

Becca - posted on 09/30/2010 ( 241 moms have responded )

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Spanking! Do you think it's helpful/harmful? Do you spank? What age to start, and what age to stop?

My husband is taking a human growth and development class this semester and he had to give a presentation today. He chose the subject of spanking and the positive affects on children. He found many studies done to prove this. This subject really has made me think a lot more as my son is getting older. He is only 8 months right now, and I would not spank him, but I am trying to think ahead. I want my husband and I to be on the same page and be united in how we discipline.

I know how I feel but am interested in what others think and why you think or feel that way.
Again, please be nice and not personal attacks.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

"For those who feel spanking has affected them negatively, would you be comfortable telling us your story?" - Dawn

My story is similar to Toni's. I wasn't smacked often but that's because I learnt to hide and lie any indiscretions I did. In fact, by lying to avoid punishment I actually 'misbehaved' more because I was lying to cover up things that weren't actually bad (looking back). My parents have no idea the things I got up to (not that I was really a bad kid/teenager) or the things I broke and hid. I could have gotten into trouble as a teenager and would never have gone to them for help. That is sad. As an adult, I'm not quick to anger but if I do, my first instinct is to hit. I don't like that. I hate to 'fail'. I often have to remind myself that if I make a mistake or make my husband angry or annoyed, he would never and has no right to yell at me or hit me. That is sad. And again, I was hardly ever hit as a kid. But the threat was there. Imagined or not. For my brother, it made him rebellious and he has a problem with authority. He has NO respect for my parents and they can no longer do anything about it because he's now 6ft tall and ginormous.

I do not want my child to fear me. I do not want my child to hide things from me. I do not want my child to think hitting another person is EVER justified. I will NEVER smack my child and IMO that includes 'taps' or 'pops' or whatever cute little name you want to mask HITTING YOUR CHILD with, to make you feel better.

There is nothing 'good' about hitting your child. There is no 'correct' way to assault a fellow human being.

[deleted account]

I'm an idiot lol I went to "edit" my post and clicked "delete" instead. The idiot part is that for some reason I still hit "yes"....duhhhhh lol Good thing I typed it out on Notepad first :) Repost:

Wow! What a touchy subject this is! I'm treading lightly here, but I do have an opinion on the subject. First, I think we can all agree that the term "spanking" is a rather subjective one. It's already evident here with the responses so far that if you asked 10 moms what their definition of a spanking is, I'm pretty sure you'd get several different answers. My mom would spank my bare bottom with a switch that she made me pick from a tree myself. My sister in law would spank her kids, dressed or bare bottom, by giving a swat for each year the child was old (3 years old, 3 swats) on the bottom. There is a fine line between a spanking and abuse. I have spanked my soon to be 3 year old maybe 5 times in his life. All of them have been since he was over the age of 2. For me, a spanking is a last resort means to get my son's attention when he has done something dangerous or when he has done something that can cause serious damage, either to himself, others or property. For example, we have rocks in our driveway. He likes to throw them. After telling him several times, over a period of several days, to not throw the rocks (including 3 or 4 conversations of me explaining that this was "not nice") he tossed a handful of rocks into the road and nearly hit our neighbor's car. Straight to time out. When time out was over, we had a talk about the rocks and not throwing them and not even 5 minutes later he then took a handful and threw them at OUR car. Back in time out he went. Another discussion about never throwing rocks. Told him the rocks HURT and could give booboos. Explained to him that if he did it again, he would get a spanking. A few minutes later and a handful went flying at the front window of our house. Spanking. He got 3 swats (nothing hard enough to leave a mark, but hard enough to grab his attention) on his bottom (through a diaper, underwear and his jeans) and was promptly taken inside for the rest of the day. I don't see a problem in that sort of spanking. When someone spanks their child when they are angry or frustrated, that's where it's possible for the line to be crossed from punishment into abuse. I don't think it should be used as a first line of action and I don't think it should be excessive. I think that a parent has to know themselves well enough to know when it's time to step away and count to 10 (or whatever you do to calm down and think rationally) before approaching their child if they are angry or upset.

Erin - posted on 10/01/2010

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I do not hit my child, and I certainly don't threaten her with weapons. FFS

People like to use this 'what if they're about to *insert dangerous activity here*' questions as justification for smacking. To me, that is not so much smacking as a mother's natural instinct to protect their child (as in Carol's example), and I have no issue with that. Knocking a child's hand away from a hot iron or grabbing them by the arm as they're about to run behind a reversing car is NOT the same as using hitting as punishment.

[deleted account]

How is respect a form of fear? Do you fear the Dalai Lama? Or Gandhi? Or Mother Teresa? - I highly doubt it.

I respect the police. I do not fear them. I do things that are right, because they are right, not because I fear the punishment. I do not speed so that I don't accidently crash and kill myself and my child not because I might get a ticket.

I don't want my daughter to alter her behaviour because I might punish her. I want her to do what's right because it is right.

I understand how you might roughly grab a child (not on purpose but just out of haste) before they ran onto a road but I do not understand hurting a child to teach them NOT to hurt themselves. That seems counterproductive to me. And quite frankly, I feel that if you're smacking your child after that situation, you're doing it to make yourself feel better, not to teach your child a lesson. After all, I thought the 'correct' way to hit your child was to do it when you weren't angry or on an adrenaline rush.

Pamela - posted on 10/01/2010

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My grandparents and great-grandmother spanked me when I was little - though it was not a frequent occurrence (they raised me the first 8-years of my life). I have a memory of being around 6-years-old and running over to my best friend's house (it was across the street and catty-corner from my grammie's house). It was totally and completely against the law of grammie (I wasn't allowed to cross the street without adult supervision). Being the brilliant child that I was, I couldn't figure out how on earth she knew where I was (but that small town she lived in? It had EYES). She called my friend's mom, who found Nancy & I hiding on the porch. Straight home I went and boy did I get the switching of my life. But, I never did it again.

Now, my grammie & grandparents (who were swatters too) loved me and loved me well. They were never cruel, almost never angry (hard to believe but I think they waited until their emotions were in control - but not too long, so's I wouldn't forget what I was being spanked for). Those spankings did not harm me. They trained me to understand the really important boundaries that were essential for my safety. Intuitively I understood that as a child. When I was spanked, the punishment was over, and my relationship was restored with them (not that it was destroyed - I don't mean that, but they would emphasize how much they loved me and how much they didn't want me to get hurt, etc). Plus, spankings were relatively rare and used only as a last resort.

My dad remarried a woman who went beyond discipline. She used a belt and literally beat both my sister and I. That was an incredibly different experience. She hit out of anger and rage (and you never knew when you could get hit). When we were whipped (and a whipping it was), we had to endure not only the physical pain of the beating, but the humiliation that went along with it. She stayed angry at us for days even after punishment. She vented her rage onto us with that belt. It was child abuse, pure and simple. We went to school with welts up and down our legs and onto our buttocks. Today, we'd have been removed from the home, but back in the early 70's, no one said anything and we thought it was just something we had to endure. Interestingly, my sister and I were discussing our childhood and we realized that she (step-mom) was mentally ill even then.

So while I have spanked my boys (three swats on the hinney and only when I was in control of my emotions), it has been only for major big infractions - like willfully doing something that they knew full well could really hurt them and they were NOT allowed to do (like playing in the street or playing with matches and setting things on fire in the house - they both attempted that).

I didn't utilize spanking until the boys were around 3 to 4 years of age because you can't really reason too much with a kid younger than that (and you have to explain why you're swatting them). I ceased spanking once they were around 6 mostly because I felt they were too old for it and it would be more of a humiliation than anything else. Believe me when I say I know humiliation. I used spanking very very very rarely.

My oldest actually did put his hand on a hot electric burner - I didn't spank him for it as I felt he'd had enough consequences. I fixed his owie and held him until he fell asleep. He never did it again, because he knew it stinking HURT.

So spanking can be done - but it is merely a tool in our toolbox and we pull it out only as a last resort. It's a fairly heavy tool to use and if we aren't careful, we can do damage. Looking back, I would probably use it less - which means really not at all. I think there are more creative ways to train our children. But every child is totally different and so, what might work with one kid, could really hurt another (emotionally).

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Becca - posted on 12/10/2010

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I have decided this is enough. I really think this convo has totally gotten of track. I do understand that this is a debate forum but I do not think that you need to use language that is going to tear someone down, and debate is not for you to insult people.

Nikki - posted on 12/10/2010

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I feel physically ill reading some of this crap. Each to their own I suppose.

I have to laugh at the comment of Loureen being brainwashed, if there was one person on CoM I had to name that would be the least likely to be brainwashed it would be Loureen.

Meghan - posted on 12/10/2010

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I can confirm that Toni and I are not the same person. Sorry. I just deleted a big long response to yours. I realized it is not worth my time. Wendy, good luck to you and yours.

[deleted account]

Well, I'd say someone has been brainwashed here but I don't think it was Loureen...

And Wendy, did you 'realise' that not everyone on CoM is American and that 'realise' is the correct British spelling?

[deleted account]

Loureen, I don't think there is any risk of you being groomed...you are far to strong to allow that

Amy - posted on 12/10/2010

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My 18 month old did not understand time outs. He kept running toward the fireplace - BAD. When he started, I swatted his bottom. He soon associated ouch with fireplace and now goes nowhere near it. I never spanked my children until they were over a year old. I think both were about 15/16 when they got their first. Before that, redirection works well and they cannot cognitively reason "why" not to do something. Spanking should never be done in anger, with anything but your hand [my mom used a switch! - but i don't feel like i was abused. lol. I deserved it!], and not more than two times. Just my rules. It needs to be about correcting poor behavior. But, what makes spankings few and far between here is anticipating what could go wrong in a situation and avoiding what will cause a problem. Some kids time outs work. Mine....I have to switch up the consequence. My daughter - 4 - thinks a spanking is quick, done and totally worth sneaking a cupcake or hitting her brother to get what she wants. So one time we take away toys, another no dessert, sometimes a spanking, but the punishment fits the crime. Small infractions are just a "no, not okay.....oh, sorry, buddy...hug" bigger ones sent to room or things taken away. When my now 20 month old hopped on our old dog, I spanked him and told him no, you hurt the doggie. I'd rather spank him and let him know it's wrong and not to do it again than just keep saying "no" until i'm blue in the face and the dog bites him or something. That drives me nuts when moms go "no, no, no, no. honey, come on now, mommy said no..." HELL NO. My daughter knows that when I say no, it's final and she does not ask again!

[deleted account]

Wendy, do you honestly feel that it is appropriate to discipline your child for one offence twice? By you offering immediate correction, followed by their fathers correction when he returns from work.

What do you feel is appropriate immediate correction for you to use in relation to your boys, I ask because I am guessing what I would use will be different as we seem to be incredibly different women. It may be that what I would deem as disciplne you would not.

Wendy - posted on 12/10/2010

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Toni-
If I discipline my boys without involving Dad, he trusts my judgment to know that I'm making the right call. I may call him at his office to discuss it before hand, and other times that may not be feasible. Of course though, the questions you ask will have different answers depending on the situation. Here's one scenario for you:

My oldest son did something that I felt warranted harsher punishment than mere correction or redirection. I still did those things in this incident, if for nothing more than to bring immediate attention to the situation at hand, but I will explained to him that I would discuss what happened to Dad and at that point it would be up do Dad to administer further punishment if he sees fit. I believe very strongly in a patriarchal household. A mother can stress dissapointment and administer punishment, but there is nothing more "re-directing" than "that look" that Dad gives...certainly in my husband's case. There is something inheritly more final about having to answer to Dad. My husband is 6'4", 245 pounds, a chest you could land a 747 on, with eyes that stare through your soul. It is far more potent and appropriate for him to dish out higher-level discipline. He will take the boy aside, talk to him calmly, but firmly and sometimes that is all that happens. Other times, if my son still refuses to admit he was wrong, Dad will implore spanking. He allows our sons to stop him at any point so they can state their case further. But in doing that, they are expected to at least acknowledge why they are getting spanked and/or why Mom and Dad are upset (only once has my oldest been defiant enough to not do this). Usually he will take a few spankings, apologize and explain how (this is a must before leaving the room) what he did went against the rules. If my husband doesn't feel the "crime" warrants spanking, but more than just talking, he may suggest a writing assignment. It just depends on the situation.

There have also been times when I thought surely a spanking would be appropriate and even though I make that plea to my husband, he may not agree. But in our relationship I agree that he has last say because I am confident he is making the best choice possible.

[deleted account]

Dana, I've been a mod since October, I thought I'd gone mad for a second and posted it in the wrong community, I had to double check myself lol. *waves right back at ya*

[deleted account]

"Any time one of our boys does something that both my husband and I feel warrant a long talking-to and spanking, he takes care of it. Otherwise, if I am alone with the boys (as is the case often because I’m a SAHM) I implore similar tactics, but without the physical punishment."

Wendy, if you are able to discipline your sons without using physical punishment during the day (or when your husband isn't there) why do you feel it is necessary to use spanking when your husband disciplines them? I'm assuming your boys show you respect and obey you without you using this force your husband deems necessary, so why can he not make use of the same methods you use?

One final question, when your boys do something you deem as needing a spanking do you just not discipline them until their father comes home? Or do you discipline them twice, effectively?

Nikkole - posted on 12/10/2010

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@Wendy i see no problem in your relationship if YOUR happy with it thats non of my business its just a little strange to me!! I don't feel that my husband should be able to discipline me when he feels i do something wrong because my husband is awesome but he sometimes does things wrong, or makes stupid mistakes we talk about that stuff and learn from it thats as far as it will ever go! But good for you about being open and honest about your marriage,you sound very proud of what you and your husband have!! While most women who dont agree they will say things you dont like or agree with its just a strange concept for most but like i said before if it works for you then its your life and i hope you continue to be happy :)

[deleted account]

***Mod Warning***

OK ladies lets get this thread back onto topic. If you wish to continue the Taken in Hand topic feel free to start a new thread. Thanks for your co-operation.

[deleted account]

Wendy from what I have read we have all understood your post, I am failing to see where anyone even suggests that your children watch your hubby spanking you, suggesting that him spanking you is damaging to them doesn't mean they have to physically watch it. The way your relationship is does affect your children and hence why it will be damaging to them. However, if you are happy with your situation then it has nothing to do with me.



Wendy, do you ever discipline your sons or is it just your husband? Reading your post it seems as though your husband is the sole disciplinarian, and I wondered what you do when he is not around, do you give them the 'there'll be trouble when your dad gets home' or do you have methods which you use?

Nikkole - posted on 12/09/2010

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Ive commented on this subject before on another thread! I was spanked as a child and I thought nothing of it till i joinged COM's and i spanked my son who will be 3 this month! I think some of my issues with trusting people come from being spanked i wasn't a bad kid i didnt do THAT much i mean i had a smart mouth sometimes but very rarely! I remember one time i was at a boys house down the street i was 13 or 14 there were a lot of other people there including my best friend we walked up there to visit them adn hang well one of the boys (my husband now) wanted to show us this house his mom wanted to buy so we jumped in the care went up the road about 2 miles then straight back well my mom saw me riding in the car came down to there house and SMACKED me in the back of the head and walked me home smacking me another 2 or 3 times it was the MOST embarassing thing in the world! But me not trusting people dosent come all from spankings i was molested when i was 5 by our next door neighbor so that was one reason to! But bakc to spankings my mom growing up alwasy told us if we get into a fight at school WE BETTER NOT LOOSE or we would get into trouble so i fought once in high school i won my mom bought me ice cream i thought that was odd :/ but she was such a pro spanker she still smacks my 17yr old sister sometimes! But i have stopped spanking my son because i dont want him to resent me or be embarrassed by me smacking him i love him to much!! At wendy that is CRAZY my husband is our teacher,father,husband,and all that yours is but he dosent spank me (unless were having fun LMAO) But if he ever did i would think he went crazy in the head your husband shouldn't be your discipliner your a grown women but nothing ANYONE says on here is going to change your mind so you have fun with being spanked!!!!!

Meghan - posted on 12/09/2010

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ok...did enough googling..I was right. While the actual idea of the this form of control (which is what it is) seems to be a 50/50 thing I can understand how some woman would take it and run with it and set the rest of us back hundreds of years. If it is what it claims to be...I don't think allowing your husband to spank you because he is the "teacher" and "provider" of the relationship/family is by any means the intention.

*Edit* I stand corrected, apparently being spanked/psychically corrected can be part of the process. But I do stand by my original statement that this is totally beyond my comfort level0 but to each their own I suppose

Meghan - posted on 12/09/2010

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I am off to google. This taken in hand relationship stuff sounds pretty odd and I need to learn more before I run my mouth

Nelly - posted on 12/09/2010

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I'm glad that you are in such a happy relationship. I also agree with you about Taken in Hand Relationships I'm also in one but my husband does not spank me or our children, neither of us believe with spanking

Charlie - posted on 12/09/2010

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No human has the right to impose themselves on another persons body in an aggressive manner without consent , It's that simple .

Nikki - posted on 12/09/2010

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Spanking is NOT a discipline tool! What does it teach? if you do something wrong mummy is going to hurt you? It's ok for people to hurt you? I am big you are small, you have no rights or autonomy? Not lessons I wish for my daughter to learn.

[deleted account]

Smacking/spanking does teach children. It teaches them to use force over weaken people. It doesn't teach you to do the right thing because it is right. You yourself Sherri said you do things because of fear of the punishment not because its right or safe.

[deleted account]

That's the thing, you speak of children's rights, we speak of human rights. Why must they be separate things?

Sherri - posted on 12/09/2010

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So can spankings if done correctly Meghan they are used just as much as a teaching tool as time outs, groundings etc.

Meghan - posted on 12/09/2010

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How about you ask your kids if they like their bodies being disrespected? Of course someone will come back and say kids don't like time outs or groundings blah blah blah...but the difference is those methods can actually TEACH something where as spankings really just don't...oh right IMO

Sherri - posted on 12/09/2010

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Spanking is not an infringement on children's rights though that is where prospankers vs. antispankers will always disagree.

Charlie - posted on 12/09/2010

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Look as an adult you have every right to CHOOSE to live life the way you want , you have allowed your husband to infringe on your rights and that is fine but I do not believe it is ok to push a way of life onto children that steps over their rights and puts them in the middle of a life lived in an aggressive nature .

Again , your rights end where theirs begins .

Barb - posted on 12/09/2010

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Wendy, i did read your post and i comprehended it rather well. Not sure if you did mine, i don't believe there were any catty remarks in it.

Your "taken in hand" relationship with your spouse is consensual and that's cool with me. However you wish to roll more power to you. But spanking your children is NOT consensual with them and that is not cool.

Wendy - posted on 12/09/2010

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It appears that none of you thoroughly read my post, let alone understood it. I'm not here to defend my marriage/family, so as much as you all want to hurl catty quips to self-aggrandize yourselves, I'm sure you can find someone else to be the brunt of it. Women like you always do.



It is easy for people to read something at face value and make judgments and spew out the usual modernist rhetoric. However, you put words in my previous post which were clearly not in it it, when you assumed that my husband and I are anything but private when there are matters between us to handle. My sons do not "watch". Ugh. Taken in Hand relationships are about consent. It is a choice two adults make together. My sons will later choose whatever relationships they want to have because it is what they want.



I'm clearly not going to enlighten anyone here to the fact that I am not abused or a "victim", doormat, etc. Domestic Discpline/Taken in Hand relationships are very common and the truth is that women who choose to be in male-led relationships do so out of their OWN needs. Subsequently, they are happy, liberated and fulfilled. I'm sure you are scoffing at the very notion of it, but if you read up on Taken in Hand relationships you will find nothing but love, admiration and consent from both parties. The fact that my husband spanks me as he sees fit is MY choice and it is completely separate from how he disciplines our sons.



The furthest thing from my mind is "seeking help" from any of you because my marriage is strong, happy and fulfilling. I'm the luckiest woman in the world to have a man loves me and our kids enough to be our provider, protector, authoritarian and teacher. You should all be so lucky to have the same, in whatever type of relationship you choose to be in.

Charlie - posted on 12/08/2010

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Look she is not being a victim if she not only condones the abuse but continues to pass it on .....
But I do not think it is funny at all , I think it is F'd up .

Jaime - posted on 12/08/2010

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Aw...look ladies, a slap on the wrist for being mean to Wendy...for shame!

Ease up Becca...if Wendy needs our help and support, THIS is not the way to get it. From what I read, she accepts that her husband is the authority figure in their home and she's not looking to change it. Also...since this is a debate community, I should think by now we would all be familiar with sarcasm...and when the shoe fits, we kick each other in the ass from time to time. It's how we roll.

[deleted account]

I have spanked, however it has always been over a diaper and only when my daughter is doing something dangerous. For instance she found an outlet and was getting ready to put her finger in it. I picked her up gave her quick swat on the butt and told her "no that is dangerous"; and then distracted her with some toys while I covered the outlet.

I have never once hit in anger and never will, I have spanked her maybe twice ever.

I believe that a child should never remember being spanked as they get older, and that it should always be done over clothing and a diaper. It should be used as a way to get the child's attention and to make them realize that they don't like it; children aren't stupid they can figure out that "If I do this, this will happen".

I believe that all disapline comes down to personality of both the parents and the child.

I realize that a lot of people see it as abuse, but the fact of the matter is that emotional abuse is a lot more common, is extremely detrimental, and a lot harder to detect. I have met more children who say that their parents yell and ground them for stupid reasons; than ones who say they are spanked or were spanked.

Meghan - posted on 12/08/2010

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If that is the case Becca, I will full heartily recant my statement and apologize until the cows come home.
I have been through abuse and I have had friends that have gone through it...I am in no way as insensitive as you think I may be (and neither are the other ladies) This is a public forum that unfortunately does often get people who do that sort of thing.

Becca - posted on 12/08/2010

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Ok ladies, seriously! If she is being "spanked" by her husband, and it is abuse don't you think support and not being torn down would be a little more helpful. I can no believe some of the things I am reading.
I have a friend who just had a horrible abusive situation happen with her boyfriend and she was afraid to tell me because she thought I would respond like you ladies. (I did not) I wanted to support her and help not make her feel bad, like it's her fault.

It makes me sick that you all are finding that so funny!

Amanda - posted on 12/08/2010

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I am not going to say I don't think spanking is right but I don't think it's wrong either.

I am not one for spanking unless my child is putting themselves or someone else in danger. Than yes I'll pop the bottom once quickly. I don't think that's wrong. I've gone from NO to spanking to maybe in certain situations. My fiance and I use it as a last resort, and it's only once on the bottom. If you are going to do it more than that don't even do it at all. You don't want to leave a mark. That's abuse. And, that's why I think it's such a BIG topic.
But I haveta agree that it's really not good unless you are making a serious point and only doing it when it's absolutley necassary to prove a point. Ex- running in the street. Not listening in a busy store. Taking things from a store or someones house. Touching a hot stove after numerous warnings. Back talking constantly after every other thing you do is not effective. Because you do it to them one of those times I bet they won't ever do that again! :) But my opinion only!

Meghan - posted on 12/08/2010

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LMFAO! I know I should prob be taking that post a little more seriously but C'mon. *Insert dirty joke here*

[deleted account]

Haha! I saw her comment yesterday but I couldn't respond. I doubt she's going to be back, ladies.



P.S. I HATE HATE HATE it when people don't have profile pics. I have a hard time taking them seriously and pretty much assume it's a bunk profile.

[deleted account]

Wow Wendy I am gobsmacked by your post. First up spanking doesn't make teenagers less lippy, I was spanked and I was incredibly lippyand often disrespectful as a teen, I think it depends who you are and your personality rather than the discipline used against you.

Secondly, it is not OK for your husband to hit you in a disciplinary manner, in a sexual manner that is fine. It is illegal for your husband to think you have done something wrong so to hit you for you to learn. That is abuse and is not a good example to your kids, do you want them to think it is ok to hit their wives when they do something wrong? I would be horrified if my son ever even raises his hand to his gf/ wife/ partner because it is not right and will mean I have done something wrong raising him! Please look at your stuation with fresh eyes, people in abusive relationships often make excuses or claim to have needed the punishment that is not so and is truely damaging to you and your children.

Barb - posted on 12/08/2010

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On subject, btw, i was spanked, i did spank, and i feel by this day and age we should be educated enough to know that it is not only the method of the discipline that is effective, it is the consistency and follow through. It must be these 3 items together as none of them are effective on their own.

I feel spanking its self is outdated, archaic, and inappropriate. We are suppose to be smarter than that.

Barb - posted on 12/08/2010

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Wait a minute ladies, did you not read Wendy's post?

She was NOT spanked as a child, her childhood LACKED discipline and i'm betting structure as well. She isn't being spanked now because she was spanked as a child, just the opposite actually.

She is not seeing the difference between a disciplined structured environment and a controlled violent one.

Another difference is, she is an adult, she can consent to these spankings, the children can't.

Nelly - posted on 12/08/2010

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We have 4 children ages 16,14,12, and 10 yrs old. We have never spanked our children. You are right when you say that you and your husband have to be on the same page.

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