Very touchy subject- please be nice

Pamela - posted on 10/04/2010

Well actually, I rarely left my kids in the care of anyone else. I worked (and still do) from my home and henceforth, had little need to leave my boys to others.

Toni - posted on 10/04/2010

So if you deemed it necessary you WOULD give permission for someone else to spank your child?

What I don't understand is if you believe it to be a genuine and valid method of discipline (however high up your discipline scale it is), WHY are you uncomfortable spanking other people's children (with permission)? IMO if you are uncomfortable with something then maybe you should reconsider it's use, there is a reason you are uncomfortable with it!

Oh and it is not consistent if they are receiving different punishments for a behaviour (which was the same in both instances).

Chatty - posted on 10/04/2010

and flush consistency down the toilet? ugh. what are you teaching your child? I'm sorry but it just sounds very hypocritical to me....I can't get on board with that.

Jessie - posted on 10/04/2010

Toni, I don't think it's really a trust issue for me as for the fact that I don't plan to use spanking as my only method. My child will hopefully be respectful enough to not need a lot of discipline when left with others. If they need discipline I would rather someone else use the other forms like timeout, putting them in their room, or whatever else I choose to use. Mainly because I will be using spanking as a LAST resort. Depending on my child if I think they might do something that requires a spanking I might give the permission. I never felt comfortable with it with other people's kids even when given permission so I guess I have a hard time seeing someone else watching my kid feeling comfortable with it. So to answer your question I will have the person use another method I use before the last resort. That way they will get the discipline and I will talk to them about it when I get there. Now if the child if 5,6, or 7 they will remember most likely. Children have a lot better memory then we give them credit for and unless they are under 3 they usually remember what they did wrong even if parents weren't present and they choose to discipline afterwards. Either way I would perfer spanking be left to my discretion mainly because it will not be the main form of punishment. Also what I and someone else deem as appropriate discipline for certain behaviors might be different. If I did happen to feel it deserved a spanking and my child was with someone else I think I would probably just let that one go and if they did it again with me spank them. As long as they get some form of discipline I think it's consistent enough.

Chatty - posted on 10/04/2010

I completely agree with you Toni. With the exception of Sherri, who's admitted that she doesn't mind, WHY do the rest of you 'spankers' feel that it's ok to trust someone enough to leave your child in their care, BUT not trust them enough to 'punish' your child the way you would. If you trust them, you trust them. If you're leaving your child with someone then don't you have to trust that they'll respect you when it comes to ALL aspects of parenting.



Discipline NEEDS to be consistent. You claim that your child needs to understand consequences, blah blah blah....first of all, you can do that without spanking them AND secondly, you can't teach a child about consequences properly if discipline is inconsistent. Whether you chose to spank or not, discipline should be consistent.

Toni - posted on 10/04/2010

Ok ladies but IF you trust somebody to look after your child WHY do you NOT trust them to discipline your child as YOU would/ do. I would/ will NEVER leave my child with anybody who *I* think has ANY POTENTIAL to ABUSE my child he is far to precious to me! I cannot understand THAT logic.

Jessie, I want my son to be respectful of whoever is looking after him, not for them to have to say you wait until your mom gets back! I also believe that discipline is MORE effective when done as close to the actual misbehaviour as possible because children do forget why they are being disciplined if the discipline is delayed, what if your child does something which IN YOUR EYES deserves a spanking at 9am but you are not due to pick them up until 4pm would you still give them the spanking (which you believe) they deserve? I cannot see the benefit in that.

Pamela - posted on 10/04/2010

In answer to your question Toni - because spanking can be used abusively and I know how I spanked. I wasn't abusive, I was very deliberate and measured in my use of spanking. I didn't spank for everything - only as a last resort, after trying everything else, did I spank. I don't trust others to necessarily do that.

Jessie - posted on 10/04/2010

I feel that spanking and most discipline is my job. I dont mind others using other methods but to me hands going on their tushies is for me, To me being a useful tool and letting others use it really dont go hand in hand. Now I haven't had to use it yet my baby isn't old enough so maybe I'll change my perspective. My parents used spanking, but not for everything, and only they spanked my bottom so I just don't see allowing others to spank my child. If I feel that my child's actions deserve a spanking I'll do it myself. My mom never spanked us and it was left to my dad, and let me tell you that when she said "wait until your Dad got home" we knew she meant buisness. So really to me it's all situational and I just don't see a situation that would require others to spank my child.

Sherri - posted on 10/04/2010

I agree Toni hence why anyone who watches my children does have permission to use my methods of discipline and that includes spanking.

Toni - posted on 10/04/2010

OK so if spanking is such a useful tool for disciplining your children and one in which you utilise, WHY would you not give permission for others to use it while they are looking after your children?

I have no issues allowing anyone looking after my son to discipline him using ANY of the methods I use because I KNOW that there is nothing wrong with the methods I use! If you feel a method is truely useful and beneficial then you should be happy to let the people whom you trust to look after your children to administer them as you would and not worry about them abusing the methods.

Stifler's - posted on 10/03/2010

I believe in spanking my children. When they get to an age where they are old enough to understand there will be consequences if they disobey me.

Jessie - posted on 10/03/2010

Well today if anyone saw me slap my child in the face I would be heading to jail! Elena your right it wasn't right but you've seemed to deal with it amazingly and sound like a great mother :) As far as giving other people permission to spank children I just don't think I could do that. I would give permission to send them to their room, or put them wherever depending on where they are watching them, but if spanking occurs I would like to be the one to handle it. When I babysat in highschool and stuff we had some family friends who had young children and they would give me permission to swat their hinny. I never did because I couldn't imagine doing it to someone else's kid but it did help keep them in line. If they would get to out of hand reminding them about it and they would start behaving. Anyway, all the things that come up when talking about spanking, love com!

Pamela - posted on 10/03/2010

I think for a lot of us it really depends on our relationships with our parents to a certain degree. When my step-mother hit me, it felt bad and abusive. When my grammie spanked me, it never felt that way (it hurt - don't get me wrong - but I knew she loved me). So I never needed counseling for the times grammie spanked me - but I did need counseling for the abuse I endured from my step-mother.

Pamela - posted on 10/03/2010

I guess I wouldn't fully trust anyone else to do that. Luckily, my kids were angels at other people's houses. I would get these reports on how polite my guys were and I'd be like..."you talkin' my kids?" And they'd laugh...:o)

Elena - posted on 10/03/2010

Thank you Jessie. You know, my father didn't think at all that what his hand was doing was abuse. I didn't think either, I loved and still love my father, I just felt it wasn't right when it happened and it hurt. But, for you, it looks like abuse. You see, it's a point of view.

Sherri - posted on 10/03/2010

My parents and my closest friends that would occasionally would watch my kids always have permission to spank my kids if they feel they need it. As do I when I watch any of there kids. They all announce it to there kids too "Auntie has my permission to spank you if you get out of line, so make sure you listen".
So I don't think it is only a parents job to spank but I think it is a parents right to allow or not allow who or who doesn't get to spank your child.

Pamela - posted on 10/03/2010

I agree with Jessie. Only the parents should ever be the ones to utilize a smack on the hinny. And Elena, a slap in the face is totally humiliating. My step-mother slapped me frequently - though never in front of others - mainly because I think she knew it was beyond the pale and people would think poorly of her. To hit a child simply to silence a child is wrong. I'm sorry that happened to you.

Jessie - posted on 10/03/2010

Elena that breaks my heart that is what it did to you. If that was my experience I don't think I would spank my daughter either. She is only 10 months so I don't yet but if I feel the need to later I might. What you went through doesn't sound like spanking as much as a form of abuse. Forgive me if that is too forward but that is just what it sounds like to me. You are very strong to have forgiven him. As far as a nanny spanking you that wasn't her place. No one should use corporal punishment with a child except their parents!

Elena - posted on 10/03/2010

I don't like to be spanked, so I believe my daughter doesn't either. I still remember my father's occasional slap on my face (more or less hard, more or less frequent). It was hard and painful and it didn't make me learn anything but the fact that my father ran out of patience and didn't have time to argue with his daughter. As the matter of fact, he didn't have time for his daughter at all, so buy hitting me he wanted to get rid of the little smarty pants nuisance. I still remember the bitter feeling and, believe me, I'm working hard on forgiving him. I even spent some money on that. Once, I got spanked in the kinder garden by an authoritative "nanny" that obviously believed in a spanking method. It was during nap time, all the kids saw it, it was humiliating, unnecessary and I tryed to deny it happened. I didn't even have the courage to tell my mom or my dad what happend. I believed they would agree with the "nanny". I felt alone. You're right, it is a touchy subject indeed.

Becca - posted on 10/03/2010

I would have to kind of agree that it is not necessarily humiliating. To be being "reprimanded" in public was much more humiliating. The fact that my wrong doing was pointed out for strangers to hear, or even worse (for me) extended family." You would rather be spanked in front of strangers and family instead of having your behavior corrected with words?

Again, I don't think spanking should be in public. Take your child somewhere more private. If a stern look works then so be it. But I do feel every once and a while there needs to be a bit more. I would even say if you are going to have a "discussion" with you child for their behavior then remove them from the situation and privately talk with them.

How is respect a form of fear? Do you fear the Dalai Lama? Or Gandhi? Or Mother Teresa? - I highly doubt it.

To me respect being a form of fear is kind of like them being in awe I guess. I don't know if that makes sense. So I may be in awe of Mother Teresa, respect her, thus have a healthy "fear" of her.

I do not believe respect is an earned thing. I believe you can respect someone and not agree with them, and not like what they are doing. An example would be a political person, like the president (I am NOT starting something here:)). I could respect them (past, present, future....just wanting to again make that clear) and not agree with them. I really feel as a society we have lost a respect for others and especially for authority. The president would be an authoritative person. You should respect him because of his title and position. Thus, our children should respect us because of our position, their parents.

I hope that answers the questions that were asked. Again, my opinion. I'm really enjoying everyones thoughts. :)

Becky - posted on 10/03/2010

I'll admit I spanked my daughter once when she was 4 and being a very stubborn brat. She had been mouthing off to me all day. She refused to do anything I told her to. She disregarded any form of punishment I tried that day and her behavior had been slowly escalating to out of control for more then a week. I was in the middle of a stern lecture and she kept being sassy, saying awful things & making faces at me. I tried to warn her next would be a potch on the bottom if she didn't shape up, but before I could finish my sentence, she stuck her tongue out at me again. I spun her around & gave her a spanking. After I felt just terrible about it . . . but in the same respect, her behavior quickly straightened up. I have never since then spanked her and she's 9 now. I haven't even had to threaten it ever again. I'll have to say I used it once as a last resort . . . I'm not completely against spankings, but it should be used only when other methods have failed.

Jessie - posted on 10/03/2010

Allright spanking! There have been great points brought up so far. I think any form of discipline can be harmful if used excessively and that discipline should be situational. about age 2-3 depending on the child is when spanking, if they choose to do it, could be a choice. I think earlier than that, unless the child is one that understands their behavior, isn't really beneficial to anyone. If your child is doing something dangerous I think a swat might make them think twice the next time, and if they do try it again give them another swat. It has been proven to work. I do not agree with spanking for everything! However, a child does need to see their parets as the BOSS, they are going to have bosses and higher ups their whole life and they need to learn from a young age that they need to learn to follow rules and listen, especially to their parents. Their is time for having choices, and being creative and having fun, but their is also a time to listen to your parents or whoever is in charge at the time. I saw a post earlier, don't remember who, that was saying something about changing diapers and not spanking. I agree that you shouldn't spank for a diaper unless they are old enough to know to sit still. Like those 3 year olds that are still in diapers because they are still figuring out potty training. If a 3 year old thrashes around you could get kicked in the face and most likely can't hold them down. I think I would spank them if they wouldn't sit still. Also at the preschool I work at we have a child that hates this process and nothing works, literally, we have tried everything and we have to hold him down (his mom has to do the same thing at home) and now we just let him scream and cry and ignore him and change his diaper. That has had a small effect but he is not even 2 and he is strong! Children are all so different I just don't think there is one method out there that we can say works or doesn't work for another parent or child. I do agree with NEVER spanking in anger, or excessively, and learn when you need a cool down.

Pamela - posted on 10/03/2010

What an excellent discussion - thanks for posting this Becca!

Sherri - posted on 10/03/2010

See I don't speed because I am afraid of getting a ticket, I don't steal because I am terrified of going to jail I don't do many things because I am terrified of the consequences. Will I stand up for myself if I am correct though you betcha. I want my kids to fear the consequences if they choose to make the wrong one. If they get in trouble in school and the school says they are calling home my kids start sobbing they know the consequences will be great and no I don't spank any of my kids anymore. So the fact that most of the time they will think twice about getting in trouble because they fear what could happen if they do it and mom finds out works just fine for me.

Krista - posted on 10/03/2010

Krista, I'm curious.....do you think Roxanne doesn't respect my authority? I'm getting the impression that you think I'm an overly sensitive pushover?

Edited to add: Ok, that came out wrong....I don't want to seem defensive because I work really hard not to be, but your last comment makes me wonder if that isn't what you're getting at?

No, I wasn't aiming that at you personally -- I was just using your comment as sort of a launching point to mention the need to find balance, because there ARE some parents out there who are so worried about not damaging their kids' self-esteem that the kids wind up not being all that prepared for the larger world, which tends to be more harsh.

I don't want my daughter to alter her behaviour because I might punish her. I want her to do what's right because it is right.

And I agree with you on that one. However, I also think that ethics are one thing, but judgment is another. And I think that it takes time and maturity for someone to develop good judgment. So there may be a lot of situations where it's not really clear what the right thing to do IS, or what the smart thing to do is. So we do kind of need for our kids to sometimes alter their behaviour because they fear punishment, because that might be the only way that they will know to not to something.

Charlie - posted on 10/03/2010

Great post Anika , i agree 100%

Cat - posted on 10/03/2010

I honestly dont see a single thing wrong with a kid having his ego bruised every now and again... Kids are very "Me me me me" and every once in a while its not detrimental to them to learn that everything doesnt revolve around them, and their wants... I mean, that's not the reason I chose spanking, but I just had to add that in there, when I saw something about kids egos come up... And I dont necessarily want my kids to fear me, but I'm never going to strive to be their best friend either... Once again, I firmly believe that kids these days are far too entitled, far too whiny and extremely spoiled... If a spank on the butt occasionally knocks them down a peg or two, I'm not going to cry a river about it... Its a moot point for me really though, as I realize how few and far between spankings in this house really are, for the most part just simple distraction is enough... But my kids havent started mouthing back yet... I have no idea what my strategy will be when that happens...

Anika - posted on 10/03/2010

How is respect a form of fear? Do you fear the Dalai Lama? Or Gandhi? Or Mother Teresa? - I highly doubt it.

I respect the police. I do not fear them. I do things that are right, because they are right, not because I fear the punishment. I do not speed so that I don't accidently crash and kill myself and my child not because I might get a ticket.

I don't want my daughter to alter her behaviour because I might punish her. I want her to do what's right because it is right.

I understand how you might roughly grab a child (not on purpose but just out of haste) before they ran onto a road but I do not understand hurting a child to teach them NOT to hurt themselves. That seems counterproductive to me. And quite frankly, I feel that if you're smacking your child after that situation, you're doing it to make yourself feel better, not to teach your child a lesson. After all, I thought the 'correct' way to hit your child was to do it when you weren't angry or on an adrenaline rush.

Chatty - posted on 10/02/2010

Krista, I'm curious.....do you think Roxanne doesn't respect my authority? I'm getting the impression that you think I'm an overly sensitive pushover?



Edited to add: Ok, that came out wrong....I don't want to seem defensive because I work really hard not to be, but your last comment makes me wonder if that isn't what you're getting at?

Krista - posted on 10/02/2010

I DO NOT think a child should be afraid of their parents, but should have a respect (a form of fear) for their parents.

No, I know what you mean. There were a lot of times, as a teenager, when I would avoid doing bad things, thinking, "Oh my god, if I did that, my mom would KILL me!"

Obviously, I knew she wouldn't actually kill me. But I still didn't want to get on her bad side, thankyouverymuch. And mom wasn't physical with us. Dad spanked us once or twice, but that was about it. I do agree that it's best to focus on positive discipline and natural consequences, as long as the child still respects not just the parent, but the parent's AUTHORITY.

*Fluffy Bunnies - posted on 10/02/2010

"I would have to kind of agree that it is not necessarily humiliating. To be being "reprimanded" in public was much more humiliating. The fact that my wrong doing was pointed out for strangers to hear, or even worse (for me) extended family." You would rather be spanked in front of strangers and family instead of having your behavior corrected with words? I can't speak for Dana, but if she's doing positive discipline then this reprimand doesn't involve yelling or pointing out a child's faults. I'm just confused as to why spanking is less humiliating?



I don't think that children should automatically respect their parents just because they are the parent. Respect is a two way street. You need to respect your children too. IMO, I don't feel like I would be respecting my daughter if I spanked her.



I love, love, LOVE Dr. Harvey Karp's "The Happiest Toddler on the Block." He has so many positive discipline strategies in that book.

Becca - posted on 10/02/2010

I would have to kind of agree that it is not necessarily humiliating. To be being "reprimanded" in public was much more humiliating. The fact that my wrong doing was pointed out for strangers to hear, or even worse (for me) extended family.

I also think that you can swat on the hand without really hurting them. I have used two fingers at times and even put my hand in the way on purpose. I guess it was to get a point across and maybe "scare" them a little. I believe that we are to quick to down play fear. Fear is not always a bad thing, and we as parents so being teaching our children fear. Wether it is a spank on the bottom, swat on the hand, stern look, time out, whatever I believe that fear needs to be taught. I am talking however of a healthy fear. This would be a "fear" of getting hit by a car if you go in the street, or a fear of getting burnt on the stove if you touch the burner. I DO NOT think a child should be afraid of their parents, but should have a respect (a form of fear) for their parents.

Just a thought. Please do not think I want my son to be afraid of me, I love him and I want him to feel safe and secure. Part of the way I plan to do that is teach him the difference between right and wrong (not always with spanking).

Jane - posted on 10/02/2010

Don't like spanking, never used it on my kids, now 20 and 17. Never needed to...time outs and punishment worked perfectly for us and they are both AMAZING young adults. I'm so glad I did not go the spanking route.

Krista - posted on 10/02/2010

I have no problem reprimanding Roxanne in public. I don't do anything that is embarrassing or humiliating to her.



Doesn't that all depend on the child, though? For some children, being reprimanded in public WOULD be incredibly humiliating, if they're particularly sensitive to those things.



And not that you want to irreparably hurt a kid's ego or pride, but we also have to find that line between being sensitive to their emotions, and being SO sensitive to their emotions that our discipline becomes ineffective. Sometimes a kid might need for their ego or pride to be a little bit bruised in order for a lesson to truly sink in.



Edited to add: and that goes for adults, too. I can't take criticism worth shit -- it just wounds me to the quick and mortifies me. But sometimes I NEED that criticism in order to learn.



So if we try TOO hard to spare another person's pride, then we might actually be doing them a disservice

Pamela - posted on 10/02/2010

:o)

Chatty - posted on 10/02/2010

So we're done here then? *giggles*

Pamela - posted on 10/02/2010

"it's ineffective and by that I mean it does absolutely nothing to teach the child anything productive. A child won't correct his behaviour because he understands it's wrong.....he'll correct it (when you're around) because he doesn't want to be spanked again".

I think there is truth to what you're saying here - but I think it can depend on the kid. With some kids, spanking has little to no effect. In which case, time outs or taking things away may be the best way to bring about changed behavior (and hopefully, changed heart). I rarely spanked - I hated spanking and I utilized time outs and losing privileges way more. Counting the bricks in a wall...oh yeah, my boys became intimately knowledgeable of the number of bricks in the time out wall:o)

Actually, if you're spanking all the time, it will become old hat and have little effect on behavior especially if used for every infraction (and I know families that do that - which is appalling) . But if it is used in very select circumstances and very rarely, it can have the desired effect you want. My father-in-law had a story about when he was a kid and his grandfather, John, was working on some mechanical something or other. My father-in-law reached over and started to pick up a tool that was quite dangerous for a small child and John swatted his hand away, saying, "Don't touch!" It was the only time his granddad had ever smacked or spoken sharply to him. He said that he never reached for a tool again without his granddad's permission. In fact, it was through his grandfather and uncles that he learned how to work extensively with metals, etc - building his own nuts, bolts, tools (these men were geniuses). But it was established very early on the seriousness of treating these tools with respect. One time did it.

So if spanking is a parent's standard mode of operation then I think parenting classes may be due.

To address the "parents don't spank to hurt the child", I think what they mean is: they don't beat them (and there is a big difference between swatting a child and beating a child) or leave welts on them. Of course spanking hurts - that's why you do it. You want the kid to understand that whatever they did was completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated. And you know what? It doesn't work with some kids. And with other kids, it's the only thing that does work. I have seen that as well.

But frankly, you and I will probably not totally come to agreement on this and that's okay. I do agree with a lot of what you're saying (just not all of it) and I think you're pretty well reasoned out.

Just let me say there is a distinction between a smack and beating the crap out of a kid. A smack on the hinny is not the same as a belt or razor strap that leaves welts or draws blood; it is not the same as getting punched in the face repeatedly while the puncher loses more control as they rage out on your body. It is just not the same thing.

Again, I find myself at a place where I probably wouldn't choose to spank anymore (and don't because my boys are teenagers anyway - so it's a kind of moot point I guess). I think there are probably better and more creative ways of discipling a kid.

Chatty - posted on 10/02/2010

"I think the whole issue really depends on how it was done to you when you were a child."

I disagree. Yes, most people know my situation was abusive when I was growing up BUT I still don't EVER feel it's ok to hit another person, especially a child. If nothing else, and until it becomes illegal everywhere, it's ineffective and by that I mean it does absolutely nothing to teach the child anything productive. A child won't correct his behaviour because he understands it's wrong.....he'll correct it (when you're around) because he doesn't want to be spanked again. Kids are smart lil' creatures and they need more credit.

Pamela, the reason I mention "hurting" a child is because I've heard several times that parents don't spank to hurt the child or "it's not hard enough to hurt them" etc. Then why are they crying? Why are they upset? Perhaps because, even if it didn't physically hurt them, it DID "hurt" their ego, their pride etc.

Pamela - posted on 10/02/2010

Dana - there is no doubt but that a spanking does physically hurt. That's the point - you as the parent want your kid to understand the seriousness of the boundary you're imposing. And frankly, I'd rather give 'em an owie on the butt, than have them in the hospital with an head injury or worse (if they're playing in the street or something). And with some kids, the only thing that works is that owie on the ass. You can talk until the cows come home but they aren't hearing you. So you give a smack on the butt and honey, they hear you then.

Pamela - posted on 10/02/2010

I think the whole issue really depends on how it was done to you when you were a child. If it was within the context and security of a loving family that you knew loved you, then spanking wasn't such a big deal. If it was used in an arbitrarily harsh way, then the damage is done. It really is up to each individual family - and frankly, I would encourage folks to utilize spanking as rarely as possible (or not at all), seeking other creative ways to train your kids. Otherwise, be at peace.

Chatty - posted on 10/02/2010

Cassie, I don't believe in reward systems either.....children need to learn that there are REAL natural rewards for doing something. Bribing children is ineffective also. You might inititally get your desired response but what are you teaching your child? Give your child a sticker because he poops on the potty and he'll grow to expect rewards instead of doing something for the personal gratification. He should be happy he pooped on the potty because that means he didn't poop in his pants. THAT IS the reward.



Sherri, if spanking your child doesn't in fact hurt them and it's not humiliating, then why are you doing it? How is it effective? Of course it humiliates them. Just because you STILL don't find it humiliating when you're remembering back to when you were spanked, doesn't mean you didn't feel that way IN THAT MOMENT while you were being spanked.



Next time you spank your child, ask them how they feel? Truly open a dialogue and help them express the way you make them feel. Embarrassed, humiliated, afraid, angry etc. are all adjectives that come to mind.

Sherri - posted on 10/02/2010

Dana that is where you and I will always disagree spanking is not in the least humiliating. It wasn't humiliating for me or my family, for my husbands family, for many, many of the people I hang around with. Actually now it has become a reason to laugh. We all love to sit around and talk about why we were in trouble and what caused the spankings. I have had some of my best laughs by the stories we all tell. How do you get that it is humiliating I just don't understand your reasoning at all? Especially since I have first hand knowledge on the subject from being a child that was disciplined in that fashion.
Spanking never needs to be humiliating and I will and have spanked my children in public and I don't give a rats behind what anyone else feels or things on the subject.

Cassie - posted on 10/02/2010

I think instead of focusing on spanking being a good or bad idea we should as parents focus on a Good reward system. Sure all kids will need some form of disapline from time to time, but a reward system will make displine less common. All kids want to be good and reward for their good behavior. however when disapline is called for I think you should go with your beliefs and what works best for your family. if spanking is your method than fine as long as it never leaves a mark, physical or emotional.
I have four kids, ages 3-12 so the problems that arise are very diffrent. I do not spank my children for two reason one they were abused with a form of spanking and two my son has behavioral disorders and spanking wouldnt do a bit of good. However we use a reward system. each of my kids has a set of four cards hung in the kitchen. each color means a diffrent thing. they start on green each and everyday. if they stay on green they recieve a treat at snack time and sticker at the end of the day. next is yellow(which comes after one warning) if they get this card they still get a treat at snack time but no sticker for the day. than we have orange(this is their third warning to be on their best behavior) they do not recieve either, and than comes the dreadfull pink card, this card means they are not rewarded that day and also recieve a punishment. Punishment are given based on the actions but included grounding from all privlages for 1 day, to grounded from certain prevliages for 1-5 days, a time out. they also have been informed that at anytime their behavior is extreme they can move strait to the pink card. Once they get 20 stickers they get to pick a prize from the treasure box. these prizes are just little things like toys from dollor store or suckers, ect... And as far as rules go we discuss them daily and when new problems arise we had those to our list. my goal is to teach my kids that they are in charge of their choices. As parents we are going to make mistakes in many areas including punishment. all you can do is try your best with the best intetions and pray you get some of them right. reaching out for opinons is a good step. but always remember you are the parent and you make the final call on these topics.

Pamela - posted on 10/02/2010

I agree Becca.

Chatty - posted on 10/02/2010

I had asked you Becca - thanks for answering. So if I'm understanding you correctly, you don't mind humiliating your child in private but you don't want to add to their humiliation by having an audience? Sorry, I don't mean to be a smartass but it's humiliating no matter where it's done and you've as much as admitted so. If you don't feel that there's anything wrong with your method of "punishment" then why does it matter where you do it?

I have no problem reprimanding Roxanne in public. I don't do anything that is embarrassing or humiliating to her.

*ducks and runs for cover*

Becca - posted on 10/02/2010

I can't remember who asked me why I wouldn't spank in public but I will answer anyway.

The reason I would not spank in public is so not to humiliate my son. I think that you can take your child to the car or somewhere more private and discipline them. I know many of you believe that spanking in general in humiliating but so is having your behavior pointed out in front of strangers or being "spoken to" in public. I honestly think discipline should be done in private (a forms) unless there is an immediate danger. I don't mean that you have to wait until you get home either but take you child somewhere a little more private. I also do think I might worry a little about what others think to much too.

I feel in public there are times as parents that we need to just take that child and go. An example would when you are out to eat. If the child is throwing a fit and will not listen, especially after you have disciplined, discussed, or warned, I feel that it is then time to leave. Get you food wrapped up, and take the child home.

Again, just my opinion.

Sapphire - posted on 10/02/2010

Ahhh.....the wooden spoons! My brother & I were talking about that the other day! I can't tell you how many were broken on us. I personally deserved it.....I ran my mouth, was a trouble maker, lying, stealing, sneaking out, the whole gammut of those teenage years. But in the end, no matter how many spoons were broken, or hand slaps to the face my mom loved me enough to always apologize later on. I even had the door removed from my bedroom once! Oh...and she sold made me sell my Monsters of Rock concert tix back in 1988....I was so angry and ran my mouth even more....and deserved a slap to the face. But again, mom & I have a close relationship, then & now. I can tell that my son is going ot be stubborn and mouthy just like me. Right now, times outs, removal of favorite toys, punishments work. Yes, the spank to the butt works too. But I am hoping to nip that attitude now before it escalates.

Petra - posted on 10/02/2010

This is a great thread - after reading all of the posts, I want to thank all of you ladies as you've given me much to ponder. I was spanked once as a child, I do not remember it, but my brother was one of those kids who had a wooden spoon broken over his bare butt. I've sort of always accepted spanking as an option and never felt strongly for or against it (I'm differentiating between spanking and beating, here) My partner has a 5 year old son who he will spank as a last, last, last resort (2 times, in total) and, as his step-mother, I do not threaten or engage in physical intimidation or punishment of any kind. I have seen that my step-son responds to me differently than he does my partner and now having read all of the different approaches and experiences, I think I can see why.

My son is only 10 months old and my partner and I haven't had the "spanking" discussion yet - but I believe I'll be bringing it up soon. I can honestly say that I think this has been an eye-opener and I'm rethinking my passivity towards accepting spanking as a last resort.

Jess - posted on 10/02/2010

Cat, its not about strangers not being able to live with your decision's on how you discipline. Its simply that when you know better you do better and parents that don't spank really want every other parent to see that our method works, its safe and our kids are all the better for our decision. You can't fix aggression with aggression.

Motherhood isn't a journey your meant to take alone, we are meant to share our wisdom with each other and thats why non spanking parents get into these debates.

While spanking is such an easy fix solution this debate will always go on.

Cat - posted on 10/02/2010

Well I was spanked growing up, rather excessively, the breaking the wooden spoons on my backside was probably a good indication... I've also been backhanded on several occasions by my dear ole dad... Well let me tell ya, I'd take the wooden spoons over the backhand any day, I do believe the backhanding was humiliating where the spanking was not really at all... I get the whole "Little people who need to be respected" arguement, I do, but SOME little people are little hellions who need to be dealt with in more than a calm and rational "Oh please dont do that" voice... case in point, when my 5yr old was trying to push one of my two yr olds into a brick fireplace... I'm sorry that some of you dont agree, but, if spanking our kids messes them up, we'll be the ones offering to pay their therapy bills at a later date... Right now I can live with the way my partner and I choose to deal with our kids, but its really somewhat sad that perfect strangers cannot... I dont get it... but this debate is as old as the day is long, it just keeps going on and on my friend lol