What do you use for your older children when they mouth off?!

Amanda - posted on 11/15/2010 ( 78 moms have responded )

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I have 4 children and my oldest is almost 7, and my daughters are 4, almost 3, and almost 2. I also do in-home daycare. My discipline of choice is time-outs, and reward charts. They have been working very well for us and I'll continue to use them.
The problem we have been having is my 7 yr old thinks that he can smart mouth us whenever he wants, and that it's fine for him to be disrespectful ecspecially to me. I was a young mom and had him when I was 17. I raised him more or less on my own, and had some help from family but nothing that could compare to his bio dad being there. His bio dad has been in and out of his life since he was born, and he recently started going back over there. His bio dad tells me that when he gets mouthy with him, he puts hot sauce in his mouth. I TOTALLY disagree with that. I think that's just wrong!! What does it teach them?!
My MIL and mother say soap is what they used, but after researching on it, it's illegal because it's not a food product. I send him to his room when he disrespects me, or my fiance will tell him to go to his room until he's ready to apologize, which usually doesn't happen until he's screamed his lungs out.
What do you guys use for a disrespectful child? I don't want to sit back and do nothing only for this to escalate into something bad....any advice???

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[deleted account]

Sherri, have you ever had liquid soap in your mouth? If not, I suggest trying it before 'needing' to do it to one of your children again.

[deleted account]

I work with infants and toddlers and have a toddler myself so I'm lacking in the personal experience on this one BUT I did hear a great idea once which might work for your son. Though it might be better for when he's slightly older but you can be the judge of that...

Make a chart with a ladder on it. On the top of the ladder put your son's usual bedtime and on the next rung down 15 minutes earlier (though you could do 20 or 30 minutes if you like) and then the next rung 15 minutes earlier and so on until you get to the time when he usually gets home from school. Stick it on the fridge and use a magnet to represent him, which you stick at the top rung at his usual bedtime. Explain to him that when he breaks your rules, his magnet gets moved down a rung and that will indicate the time he has to go to bed. If he continues to break rules, move it down to the next rung and so on. However, tell him he can do things to move himself back up the ladder, such as helping out around the house, speaking nicely, being nice to his sisters ie any positive behaviour. As long as you enforce the going to bed early, I think this is a great idea.

Candi - posted on 11/15/2010

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I hate hearing about parents putting soap in a child's mouth. Its just wrong on so many levels. We teach our children not to put stuff in their mouths, then their parents force something as nasty as soap in there? Whats wrong with that picture? ANyway, what we do with our kids is charge them $$. THey get an allowance for doing chores, so they usually have some extra money in their rooms. Every time they "mouth off" or sass, we charge them 25 cents. No warning either. They smart off, my husband or I will calmly say "25 cents" if they don't stop, we say "50 cents" they eventually get the point. Also if they don't do their chore, they have to pay. All of the money they pay goes into a big pickle jar. We will decide what to do with it when its full

[deleted account]

That old "soap in mouth" thing is child abuse, pure and simple. My rule has always been, and always will be - I don't reply to you unless you speak to me respectfully. I 've always used that as a guideline with my children, with adults, with anyone I come in contact with. The pre-requisite for this, of course, is that I speak respectfully to my children, to adults, to anyone I come in contact with.

Kate CP - posted on 11/25/2010

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http://www.drugs.com/enc/soap-ingestion....

Ingesting soap can cause vomiting and diarrhea. Excessive amounts can cause dehydration and bleeding. How is soap NOT poisonous? It's even recommended that if you ingest soap you contact POISON CONTROL. Putting soap in a child's mouth is dangerous. Putting hot sauce in a child's mouth as a means of punishment is also dangerous. Using it with food cuts the capsaicin and makes it less painful and less dangerous. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capsaicin

They use this stuff in mace. MACE. This is not a good form of parenting. It borders on abuse.

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Jo - posted on 11/26/2010

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The reason she ended up with the twins is because they were looking through the pictures of the children to be adopted and she saw the 'good twin' and she 'instantly had a connection with him, it was like looking at her own child.' They adopted both of the children because of that 'connection' with the 'good twin.'

So the boy went into the home as a second priority to begin with.

[deleted account]

Nope, she has the other boy too, Barb but apparently he's quiet and reserved and eager to please so she doesn't have a problem with him. Pfft.



Not defending her at all. Just had to clarify that they weren't split up.

Barb - posted on 11/26/2010

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Thank you ladies.

This thread must have been murking around in my thoughts because i woke up with this one this morning.

For the moms who use "might equals right" parenting, aka you will respect me because i can put soap/hotsauce/badcrap in your mouth or otherwise force you too. Something to consider is this; your children grow up and can get bigger than you. One day they will figure out you can't force them to respect you anymore, then what will you do?

Kinda off topic but along the dr phil show lines, this lady passed adoption tests, was able to split up twins and was still able to keep this child after this? I don't agree with that at all. There are too many good homes and loving parents who are trying so hard to adopt or even to just foster to allow this child to stay in such a hell for another day. Just splitting up the twins should have been a big huge giant red flag!! you don't split up twins! Unthinkable. Disgusting.

Jo - posted on 11/25/2010

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That's one of the points they brought up Anika. Why would he want to tell the truth, he was going to be punished anyways. He might as well try and get away with a lie.

She kept screaming "WE DO NOT LIE IN THIS HOUSE!" and Dr Phil's wife told her she was the biggest liar of all because when they adopted him they told him they would love him and protect him, so everytime she did that to him, screaming in his face "WE DO NOT LIE IN THIS HOUSE!" He was probably thinking "YOU'RE A LIAR! YOU LIED TO ME!"

She 'thanked' her for pointing that out because she never thought of it that way.

[deleted account]

Thanks Jodi. We do have Dr Phil here but I have no idea how far behind we are.
Poor little mite. Hot sauce and cold showers for lying? I'd lie too if I knew that was the punishment.

And LOL Barb. :) That's a great quote.

Jo - posted on 11/25/2010

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Yea she handled herself pretty well. So well, I wasn't fully convinced she really thought she was doing anything THAT bad. She almost seemed unphased by some of the comments and critisisms made to her, which enraged me even more so.

Dr Phil didn't give her any real leeway either, which made me happy. I'm glad she agreed to the terms in one sense, so she could get help. On the other hand, I don't think people like her really deserve a second chance to harm a child. She had already further damaged and already damaged child, that alone says to me she should have her children taken from her and she should get the help she needs - without her children there as practice dummies to 'see if she's learning'.

Barb, I want to say that I nearly spit my drink out all over the laptop when I read this; "Sherri's death grasp to her ignorance. It's almost like it's more important to never admit being wrong, than doing what's right."

You took the thought right out of my scattered brain! Thank you :)

Barb - posted on 11/25/2010

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Dana, oh, i thought we were talking about the topic and i was responding to Sherri's death grasp to her ignorance. It's almost like it's more important to never admit being wrong, than doing what's right.

I did start watching that video from the link that was posted but i couldn't. Once she got him into the shower my heart was breaking for the little guy and i wanted to bash her face in. Honestly i don't know how people maintained control not to.

There was also a recent Supernanny where the parents dabbed Tabasco sauce on the toddler's lips. That alone was heartbreaking to watch.

I've had a cold shower before, it burns. I know that sounds juxtaposed, but it does. Your muscles spasm up tight in charlie horses trying to stay warm. It's very painful. A spanking would be nothing compared to it. If i had to choose which one was done to me, i'd choose a spanking.

[deleted account]

Thanks for explaining for me, Jodi! It was horrible. I cried too and I'm not pregnant! ;)

Anika, Dr. Phil absolutely threatened that if she didn't stop what she was doing and accept her help that he would call CPS on her himself. She had to agree to have a team of professionals in her home filming, 24/7, and at any time they could also report her. Those were his terms for helping her.

I did think that she handled everyone's criticism very well considering. Don't you agree, Jodi?

Jo - posted on 11/25/2010

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And from my understanding, Dr Phil didn't have the child taken out of the home. He ordered a full panel of tests to be done on the child to see if he had any behavioral disorders and he ordered intense therapy for the mother and child in particular.

But I have no idea if the kid was ultimately taken from the family - as much as I really hope he was.

Jo - posted on 11/25/2010

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Anika, I'm assuming you're talking about the Dr Phil thing? The woman and her husband adopted twin boys from Russia. The one boy was "perfect" the other boy was "distruptive."

The boy got hot sauce in his mouth when he lied about getting in trouble at school. The school has a card system, green, yellow, red, etc. He got a yellow card for misbehaving on class and then a red card for getting sent to the principals office.

He lied about getting the cards. So she put hot sauce in his mouth and berated him. Stripped him down and put him in the cold shower and made him repeat while screaming and crying what he did to have to have a cold shower.

I bawled my freaking eyes out while it was on the TV. I couldn't watch it all... I had to look away. It was like watching a torture video.

[deleted account]

Geez, what was that 5 year old doing to be punished with hot sauce in the mouth or ice cold showers? Killing puppies?!? That's one of the things I hate about corporal punishment - the possible escalation of punishments. It's so sad. Did she have that boy taken away from her?

Jo - posted on 11/25/2010

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I think 1-2 spanks is just as barbaric and unacceptable as 1-2 drops of hot sauce or 1-2 drops of soap. They're all abusive methods that have no place in amongst parenting techniques.

Stifler's - posted on 11/25/2010

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This sort of shit makes one or 2 spanks on the rump look NICE. Ice cold showers, soap, hot sauce... what will they come up with next.

[deleted account]

Barb, I don't necessarily LIKE Dr. Phil either BUT, he did a show last wednesday (Nov.17th) about a mother who used all forms of corporal punishment but he focused specifically on the hot sauce and ice cold showers she would give her 5 year old adopted son. The only difference was that the mother on the show was asking for help because she recognized that she was out of control.

Jo - posted on 11/25/2010

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I do classify it as abuse. It's emotional abuse. It's physical abuse. It's abuse of authority. It's abuse of control. It's abuse. It's torture. It's disgusting. It actually makes my blood boil that any 'CIVILIZED' person would allow themselves to participate in such brutal and barbaric behavior.

Barb - posted on 11/25/2010

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can't really fault them there, i can't stand the self righteous egotistical jerk either. But then again, i'm also not an oprah fan, or a springer fan, or any of the "exploit your problems for my financial gain" shows fan.

Barb - posted on 11/25/2010

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wow. Soap is poison. Do you not read the back that says "keep out of reach of children"?! And the part that says "in case of ingestion call the poison hotline"?

Are there no lifeguards in your gene pool?

Stifler's - posted on 11/24/2010

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Yeah Sherri that doesn't really make much sense if they like hot sauce.

[deleted account]

Gee whizz, the Jodis and Dana have said exactly how I feel. Hot sauce/soap in the mouth is cruel and teaches nothing but fear.

Jodi - posted on 11/24/2010

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It constantly amazes me how I have such well behaved children (most the time) who I can take pretty much anywhere without all this spanking, yelling, soap and hot sauce...

And I agree with Dana, I don't see how hot sauce is a punishment if your kids like it.

[deleted account]

So it doesn't hurt them, Sherri, but by your own admission it's ineffective so why do it? If a drop on the tongue won't harm them and they eat hot sauce on almost everything then how is that even punishment? You don't make sense!

Sherri - posted on 11/24/2010

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Well since my kids pour hot sauce on almost everything they eat I see no harm in it. A drop on there tongue will not harm them.

Sorry I disagree about the soap as well been there done that.

Stifler's - posted on 11/24/2010

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Hot sauce and soap can actually do damage to the kid. Both can actually make them sick.

[deleted account]

"I would absolutely call putting hot sauce on a childs tongue a BAD parenting technique. It's not even a parenting technique, it's a torture technique.

A different parenting techique would be time out in a chair/bedroom/corner vs taking toys away from them.

Putting anything that can cause harm into the mouth of a child is a bad parenting "technique." Hot sauce, or soap. Ugh, I find it unreal that anyone would find that acceptable. It's disturbing."

Jodi said it MUCH more elequently than I would have. I would offer a few more adjectives but I'd probably be banned. Hot sauce or soap in the mouth is barbaric and ABSOLUTELY UNEQUIVOCALLY, ABUSE! Just when I thought I'd heard it all.....I can't actually believe that women are defending and advocating the use of hot sauce and soap.

Jo - posted on 11/24/2010

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When I was about 5 my half sister tried to put soap in my mouth because I wouldn't go have a nap and I told her I didn't have to listen to her. She tried to choke me while shoving a bar of soap in my mouth. I couldn't imagine ever making a child feel even the slightest glimpse of what I felt having that done to me. Forcing a child to put anything in their mouth is not "parenting." It is torture, it is bullying and it is abuse.

Jodi - posted on 11/24/2010

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Before CoM I'd never even HEARD of hot sauce in the mouth to be honest. It's not something I'd even contemplate, and I can't understand why anyone would.

Jo - posted on 11/24/2010

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I would absolutely call putting hot sauce on a childs tongue a BAD parenting technique. It's not even a parenting technique, it's a torture technique.

A different parenting techique would be time out in a chair/bedroom/corner vs taking toys away from them.

Putting anything that can cause harm into the mouth of a child is a bad parenting "technique." Hot sauce, or soap. Ugh, I find it unreal that anyone would find that acceptable. It's disturbing.

Kate CP - posted on 11/24/2010

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Hot sauce on the tongue is dangerous. The capsacin in it (what makes it hot) actually causes nerve damage and prolonged pain. Children have died from ingesting too much soap or hot sauce. It is not a recommended form of parenting by most "experts".

Jodi - posted on 11/24/2010

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I'm sorry, did I use the term "bad" in my post?



Oh, no, I didn't. I believe I was just making the point that just because someone writes a book doesn't make it right, doesn't make them an expert, etc. I've read some bullshit parenting books in my time. I can't judge the actual book referred to because I have never read it. I'd actually never heard of it before.



However, I do think that hot sauce in a child's mouth is an abuse of power. And I DO actually think it is a bad thing. And I have absolutely no intention of reading that book :)

Sherri - posted on 11/24/2010

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Just different parenting techniques Jodi doesn't make hot sauce on the tongue a bad thing, Doesn't make a lot of different parenting techniques bad just different.

Jodi - posted on 11/24/2010

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Just because someone wrote a book on the subject doesn't make it fact and doesn't mean she's an expert, or doesn't mean it isn't inappropriate. Getting good results doesn't make it right.

Holly - posted on 11/24/2010

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Hi just a note about the hot sauce there is a mom who wrote the book on that subject her name is lisa wcheller she was blair on the facts of life tv show and she says she does that to her kids she uses it by dabbing a qutip size on thier tounge not pouring it in like on doctor phill. and she gets good results so next time look at all the facts first please just a note thanks holly

Holly - posted on 11/24/2010

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I will be the mom and say due something you normally do not due or use all the time, like spanking him last resort he will know you mean it since you ussally do not use it, it will make him think twice, wow they are really madd she never spanks me. I have used that before and others. make him go to bed early like at 7pm for a week no tv that works just as well as a spanking.

Charity - posted on 11/23/2010

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We put our 8 year old in time out, and then discuss how his attitude was one of disrespect (a very big deal in our home.) Then he has to revisit the situation and tell us what he should have done instead. We've been teaching him to respect us since he was very small. I think I've had to "punish" him for smarting off maybe three times this year. I might try having him pay for his smart mouth when/if he hits the sulleness stage.

Barb - posted on 11/23/2010

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I really enjoy watching Supernanny and honestly equate her lessons to the Dog Whisperer in that you always remain calm and give your children rules, boundaries and limitations to help them thrive. However, Ive never seen the Supernanny give a time out in the bedroom. I've seen her always give the time outs where the child can see what everyone else is doing and can be seen by the parent so they can be sure the child is staying in the timeout. Being in the bedroom would completely defeat this purpose of being removed from the attention yet having to observe those exhibiting proper behavior receiving attention so they can learn that proper behavior is what will get them the attention they are desiring.

Candyce - posted on 11/23/2010

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@ Christina Echler - I agree, if your kids are used to spicier foods (my son actually drinks hot sauce occasionally, which still bothers me), the hot sauce isn't going to do jack squat. But most people who will use it as a punishment don't generally allow their kids to eat hot sauce enough to get the kid used to it - hence the value as a punishment.

Blessed Be

Candyce - posted on 11/23/2010

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Uh hot sauce could be considered a form of child abuse (it will literally eat away at your tongue, which is why it gets raw if you eat too much). Just saying. I agree with the going to the room thing for younger children, otherwise a public shaming (like the dunce stool and cap, lol). But for older kids, or kids who don't get embarrassed very easily, give them "dirty duties" (scrubbing baseboards, floors, toilets, stairs, dishes, etc). We had to do them as kids and my four year old is getting old enough to start them as well. It'll help tame his "Almighty Me" (lmao).

Blessed Be

Ashley - posted on 11/22/2010

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I just watched this on super nanny lol she made a room and put said child in the room for the number of years childs age with no warnings with swearing she also took all but ten toys away and if they misbehaved they got time outs and toy tooken away i think the problem with time outs in there room is they have things to distract them toys and stuff. i hope it gets better for you but if u can u should catch that episode newest one good luck

Candi - posted on 11/22/2010

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When I was a kid, I thought the soap in the mouth thing was something in movies. I never thought people did that until I spent the night with my cousin. His little brother (mentally and physically challenged) said something bad and I accidentally saw his mom shoving a bar of soap in his mouth. I was horrified! As soon as she saw me, she slammed the bathroom door shut. He must have liked the taste b/c he was always doing something to get his mouth washed out!

Sherri - posted on 11/22/2010

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Teresa yes I have had soap in my mouth punishment for me as a child was entire bars of soap put in my mouth. I can assure you I only made the mistake of getting punished to the point of soap in my mouth on one occasion I will never forget it and I never repeated it. As I only ever put soap in my kids mouths on one occasion and to date have never had to repeat on the 2 oldest and the youngest is to young yet.

[deleted account]

Chores lead to respect? Not in this house. All chores lead to in this house is griping and fighting.... lol

Amy - posted on 11/19/2010

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Also, I do not believe as chores as a punishment. Chores are part of every day living. It's just something we ALL have to do daily. It's life. Not punishment. Although when I make a huge meal and have a million dishes it sometimes feels like it! :)

Amy - posted on 11/19/2010

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Read John Rosemond's six points for raising happy, healthy children. OPENED my eyes to what I was doing wrong!! History means nothing in terms of discipline. Does the hot sauce stop him from mouthing off? If not, then no it's not effective. Sending him to a room with all of his "stuff" is not a punishment. If the room had nothing but a bed and dresser of clothes - THAT would be a punishment. Make a list of issues that you have with him. Pick the biggest ones to fix first. If he has lots of stuff....great , you have lots of leverage. Take it all away and if his behavior is good all WEEK, then he can start to get stuff back. STICK WITH IT. Let him know right away that it's wrong. Don't argue with him. It's mom's way and no other. If he cries well dad does it this way...Well, dad's not here is he? Reward charts.....don't mean much to me. never have. who cares. now, don't take offense. but what does it really teach. i know my three year old would rather just not clean her room than get a reward. it's easier and she didn't have candy before, she can do without it now. Chores should be done on a daily basis, but there should be no other reward than helping out the family. It builds them to be good citizens. Don't see many adults getting rewards for daily chores we do. I don't think it's teaching them much on life or how it works. two and three year olds can do simpler chores like carrying laundry to the laundry room, picking up toys, setting the table - yes, my almost two year old takes plates and plastic cups to the table every day and my almost four year old carries the milk to the table and the silverware. We all help out because it gets the job done faster, not because someone will jump up and down and say hooray, you did it, lets get you a prize. I don't get a prize for taking out the garbage, why should anyone else. Yes, I've heard this is mean and "not fair". I think it's more unfair to let them have the choice in what they will or won't do because they don't care about rewards. Especially at 7, I would get no reward. At seven years old I was doing my own laundry, folding it, putting it away. I could run the vacuum, do dishes...I mean, I had chores. I did not get paid for them, although at times if I'd do them without being asked,I'd get something special. Nothing big. Some ice cream, an inexpensive toy, a book I'd been wanting. When you say no, don't give in. Be consistent, calm, and confident. Chores create responsibility which can lead to respect. It is not going to be easy at first, but it'll be easier in the long run. I really really do recommend John Rosemond. We went from hauling screaming fits and daughter getting out of bed, sassing us....you name it, she was a terror! Now she helps out at home, asks to help grocery shop, picks up her toys and even puts away her clothes. I am so thankful for the change in my family since I read his books. Its so much more peaceful. Good luck and God bless!

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