What to do about about a controling husband and a controling step child?

Jennifer - posted on 04/26/2011

I have a son from a previous marriage and it took awhile for me to see that my son was manipulating me into conflict with my husband. Once I realized what what going on I knew I had to make a choice, and I chose my husband! We are a team always and I if I couldn't respect him as a parent I shouldn't have married him! I am sorry for your situation, I can really see where you are coming from. Would your husband be willing to talk to a relationship counselor about it? You can just drop it and let him deal with her, but it may just continue to cause resentment between you and your husband. Maybe letting him do it like Robin suggested will help, I hope so!

Robin - posted on 04/25/2011

Have him deal with his daughter I would say nothing and let him see how things are sometimes men need to see it for themselves before they deal with it this happened with me and our daughter I complety stopped the nagging and put up a chore chart and I stopped and I completly put the rules and discipline on him things sure changed after a few weeks no more underminding me nomore good luck

Jodi - posted on 04/23/2011

Time to have a talk to your husband. You need to find yourselves on the same page on this issue, or your relationship is simply NOT going to work. This is not (or should not) be an issue of who is on whose side. You and your partner are the ADULTS of the house, and as such, you both, together, need to determine house rules. Then, as the ADULTS of the house, you both need to enforce those rules.

It seems to me like you and your partner have not ever reached the stage where you have actually sat down and discussed what will be the house rules.

Now, having said that, it is absolutely not acceptable for your step-daughter to treat you with such disrespect, and your partner needs to know this. It would be unacceptable from ANYONE in the family, whether a biological OR a step-child. This is just simply not how anyone should be treated. It should form part of the house rules you decide on together.

So I would suggest that you decided on a time to make an appointment with your partner to discuss house rules and how you both plan to implement and enforce them. If he refuses to do this, sorry, but I would consider it a deal breaker. Believe me, from one step-parent to another, if you can't discuss this issue and resolve it, it really is time to cut your losses. Step-parenting is hard enough without having to battle against dad too.

Jenni - posted on 04/22/2011

Well for one, you'll never have her respect and obedience if your husband doesn't have respect for you. So you need to address him. You need to be firm and strong. Put your foot down and say enough is enough. If you are the one expected to take care of her for the most part and clean up after her your husband should be supporting you in that, not making things harder on you!!! You do need to stick together on things. Have a talk with him and tell him how you feel. Tell him he *has* to stand by you for this to work and not work against you.



I am a SM also. Although my hubby does undermine me on occassion. I tend to be more strict than him. So he will on occassion plead with me to give our kids "one more chance". ummm already did. They repeated the behaviour. That was their chance. ;) But for the most part he backs me up. If SD talks back to me, he stands up for me and says: "You don't talk to Jenn like that. Say you're sorry." (Mind you, she's only 4). But if your husband does the same and supports you and your SD sees him respecting you... she too, will begin showing you more respect.



During our couple time (at night after the kids go to bed). I often address certain issues we experienced that day with our kids. If we weren't on the same page somewhere in regards to discipline and rules we talk about it and try to come to a compromise where we are both in agreement. My husband does try not to undermine me in front of the kids and I do the same for him. Important issues get discussed at the end of the night so we remain on the same page. If he didn't agree with my strictness in a certain area and he talks to me about it. I can come to a compromise and suggest a different way of dealing with it where we are both satisfied.



Ok I think I'm talking in circles now! Talk and compromise to sum it up! Save arguments about the children's discipline for behind closed doors. They have to see you both on the same page. You could even set up a family meeting for one day a week where you, your husband and SD chat about goals, expectations and rules for your family. I think it'd be fair if your SD got some input as well and it would should her that you respect her and her opinions on things. :) Preteens & Teens are often more receptive if they feel they have control and a voice in the matter. Just like toddlers they are fighting for independence, so make sure you are fullfilling her need for that.



Good luck!

Nora - posted on 04/21/2011

Sounds like my husband.

Jen - posted on 04/21/2011

Were things like this prior to getting married? I would strongly urge family counseling and NOT having any children with this man until you get these issues sorted out.

√v^√v^√♥ - posted on 04/21/2011

If her dad, your boyfriend/husband doesn't stick up for you, you need to deal with HIM. Obveiously your husband doesn't respect you. How long have you two been together? How long was he a single parent before you two got together? How long did he date for? It's his choice. He needs to treat you like part of the family in order for you to be part of it. Because there is NO way he should be discussing anything about his daughter in front of his daughter. So I'd ask him to go to counseling about it if it doesn't get better soon. He needs to respect you or you don't belong there putting up with that junk. period. Good luck