What to do when discipline goes too far?

Kim - posted on 05/26/2012

my fiancee the father of my two sons is ex-military also and did alot of the same pinching pulling at the nape of the hair and cuffing up side the head it was like when my son turned 1 he was all hands on and there was no stopping it. Yet after a whole lot of prayer and talking we wound up getting through it he is finally seening that the who hands on is only teriffying the kids.

Terina - posted on 05/23/2012

i dont mean to upset you but as the boys mother you are to protect him, which is obviously why ypu have come her in the first plce for advice , if you have asked him to stop then told him to stop then you what he would be gone if it was me , you did ok without him before you can do it agian im sure. and something else if someone else gets wind and reports it he could be taken away from you all because of him thats obviously in extreme cases but i wouldnt want that for my son , my children are my life and while im pro discipline a child does not have to be treated this way to be done as told there are other ways. i hope you get/ have got through this and got the demons out of him .im sorry if this hurts you but please do something , i know your probably worried about your sons and husbands relationship but i think in years to come if you left him in that situation he wont thank you, the road may be long but honestly do something now before its too late and your son ends up resenting you for leaving him in a bad situation that you couldve sorted . im sorry to come across so harsh . your both worth more than this

Jody - posted on 11/19/2011

Hmm. This is not a good situation. Maybe that is why he and his wife are no longer together. This man sounds like he is controlling and is playing mind games. You need to get out of there for both of your safety love

Diane - posted on 11/08/2011

I emailed her with numerous resource ideas and plan management to get out. Hope he didn't access her computer!

Diane - posted on 11/08/2011

CALL YOUR FAMILY AND FORMER FRIENDS NOW!!!

Angela - posted on 11/07/2011

I hate it when this happens, someone is in harms way and you feel so helpless. I hope for the same as you Kelina.

Kelina - posted on 11/07/2011

Angela I too have PM'd her and heard nothing. I'm really hoping that that's because she has no access to a computer or internet in her new home....

Angela - posted on 11/07/2011

I have no idea where Rebecca went, anyone hear from here. I even PM her. I heard nothing. I sure hope her son and herself are okay.
If you are lurking Rebecca I know the post seem strong but it is out of concern and worry for your sons safety. If you need help with finding resources to get you and your son to safety I am sure anyone who has posted would help, including myself.

Diane - posted on 11/07/2011

You are this boys mother!! It is YOUR job to PROTECT HIM!!!! Here's a wrod of wisdom for ya....QUIT LETTING THAT ABUSIVE ASS SEE YOUR SON!! Grow up! Get a restraining order if ya have to but NEVER let him see that boy again! What is wrong with you! It is YOUR duty as his mother to make sure he is loved and PROTECTED from ALL harm. STAND UP!

Schmoopy - posted on 11/02/2011

Rebecca, your son's father is abusing your son. GET OUT NOW!!! Don't let him damage the most precious thing you have. It's your job to protect your little one. He's only 4 - he can't do that for himself.

Scrape together the money to leave. Get a job, get a plan, asks for help. Whatever it takes. Just leave. Now.

Savvy Mama - posted on 11/01/2011

The CDC defines child abuse as: "the Department of Children And Families (DCF) define child maltreatment as any act or series of acts of commission or omission by a parent or other caregiver that results in harm, potential for harm, or threat of harm to a child.[2] Child abuse can occur in a child's home, or in the organizations, schools or communities the child interacts with. There are four major categories of child abuse: neglect, physical abuse, psychological/emotional abuse, and child sexual abuse."
If you fail to report child abuse, or what you believe to be abuse, it is a federal crime.
Number one thing you should do is think about the situation hard. Number two is research your state laws for abuse/neglect. Number three is if there is abuse going on, no matter if it is physical, mental, or emotional - remove your child and yourself from the current living arrangement. Go stay with a friend or family member. Call the authorities - whether it be the police or CPS themselves.
Some of the other mom's are right - if it is abuse, and you have enough concern to ask publically, then you know it is abuse and you need to report it.
If this man has been out of the picture until two months ago, kick his rear out and don't let him back! It is your job as the Mother to protect your child.

Angela - posted on 10/30/2011

Where did she go???
I am so worried by this OP. This is child abuse and you are also contributing to this abuse if you do not do what is right and protect your little boy. You are all he knows and has...HE IS ONLY 4 YEARS OLD. This is the kind of abuse that can lead to death or serious harm. Do your job, do as stated get out go to a domestic violence centre etc. but do something!!! Do it! Or you might lose your son to death or removed for child abuse.

Kelina - posted on 10/19/2011

Ok, he moved you away from your family, I have read all the posts and really hope you're taking their advice. That raises all sorts of flags for me too, that is SCARY! Call your family. If you can call your mom and tell her you made a mistake and you need help getting home, can she buy you a bus ticket? go to a government office and wait in line for a few hours if you have to , you need to get back to where you have support. I want you to think for a moment, and pretend you are your 3 year old. Before now you had a mom who loved you and you were happy with life. Ya you threw the odd temper tantrum and didn't get everything you wanted but overall life was good. Cue dad. Now everythings different. Get your son, and leave. Everything you own can be replaced but YOUR BABY CAN'T! I know you love your son, this is ringing alarm bells for you too hon, listen to them. god gave us instincts for a reason.

Charlie - posted on 10/19/2011

" I would only let him spank, and 1 swat. "

Sorry but a man who cannot control his emotion or temper has no place using any form of physical punishment.

Thats like telling a drug addict not to shoot up just have a little line.

Charlie - posted on 10/19/2011

REmove the child from the situation get the parent help, if they refuse then monitered visits only.

It's your job to protect your child.

Donna - posted on 10/19/2011

I have read your comments and it sounds like my piece of shit father in law if you ask me. My mother in law left him when my husband was just a baby and they got back together when my husband was 3. From then untill my husband was 16 he pretty much hit my husband daily. to this day my husband just has no respect for the man. Seriously can you blame him

Kristal - posted on 10/17/2011

One last thing, your kid relies on you to protect him and keep him in a healthy environment. Our kids have no control they rely on us parents and you have to remember that!!

Kristal - posted on 10/17/2011

I would only let him spank, and 1 swat. Pinching and all that other stuff is abuse. If you can't leave, just step in and put your foot down and say NO you are not doing this, you can spank 1 swat with your hand on the butt..or ground him or time him out but that is it! Just put your foot down!

Tara - posted on 10/13/2011

My question is how did you survive the first 4 year without him as far as making ends meet? this is abuse and Sally did nail it, your child depends on you, trusts you, looks up to you and only you can change the situation.

Cynthia - posted on 10/12/2011

this is so sad:( i think you are better off that he don't hardly acknowledges him. this is not disciplining, this is bullying. i would be fighting back if i were you. if my husband pulled my sons hair to be mean i would pull his out. or shave him in his sleep. why in the hell did you move for this man? if you let someone miss treat your baby then you suck as a mom. this is my opinion

Teresa - posted on 10/12/2011

I quit reading after you said he bailed when your kid was 6 weeks old and you all just relocated out of the blue to move in w/ him... I know this won't be a helpful comment, but what the hell were you thinking? Get your kid and get out.

Tah - posted on 10/12/2011

Ok..well spanking i don't view as abuse, i know some people will disagree but o well...but the fair pulling is obviously overboard and needs to be addressed. Why would he video him crying?? that is emotional abuse to say the least. Are you guys married? You know the military has many resources for spouses who need help..military one source is one of them?..

Sherri - posted on 10/12/2011

Tah she answered it already.

Here was her response
Spanking, pinching, hair pulling, flicking... and doing boot camp exercises meant to be painful

Tah - posted on 10/12/2011

i haven't read any repsonses so i would have to ask what is it that he does that you feel is abusive? some people feel nose to the wall is abusive, some feel a pop to the hand or butt is abusive, but doesn't make it so. so what are your discipline techniques and what are his?

http://www.circleofmoms.com/just-debates...

Sarah - posted on 10/12/2011

The fact that he has moved you away from family and friends, effectively isolating you, rings all sorts of alarm bells with me, aside from the abuse of your child issue. This is the classic behaviour of a man who is controlling and likely to abuse you. Sorry to be blunt but you do need to take action.

Daniela - posted on 10/12/2011

I normally wouldn't tend to give extrem advice like this, but I totally agree with Sally and Sarah. If he feels free to act that abusive after only a few months, can you imagine how he will act in the future? The sooner you get out, the better. Don't wait until it escalates, your son needs you to protect him.

Starfish - posted on 10/12/2011

Sally nailed it. You clearly have internet, so you are not without resources. You can call every center listed, pawn your tv, whatever it takes, do it.

When one parent lets the other abuse the child, they are just as guilty. I worked in family law for years, and you can lose your child for not taking action to protect them. So do it. Save your child, and save yourself, and do whatever you have to do.

There is always a solution.

Sally - posted on 10/12/2011

Ok, shouldn't say this but going to anyway. Get off the computer, call a domestic violence center and get your butt out of there. Seriously. You put your kid in this situation, get him out. If you have to borrow money then do it. If you have to use state assistance do it. Be your childs advocate. Get out. There must be someone on your family who can help you. Beg, borrow even steal if you have too. Get that kid out of there. NOW. Stop fussing about what is proper discipline and what isn't. What you have described is an abuser. What does it take? A trip to ER? CPS? And it is October, he came to you in August and you up and moved within 2 months? Seriously flawed thinking. Leave. Before you are a tragic story on Dateline.

Jen - posted on 10/12/2011

Are you not able to call the police and have him removed? If he does this to YOUR child, you are next. You don't deserve that. No, it's not easy to live with an abusive man and it's hard to get away - I speak from experience - but I guarantee you, life will NOT get better.

Rabecca - posted on 10/12/2011

Sadly I have no $ and no transportation, I don't know a single soul out here... all family and friends are out of state and they cant help even though they would like to.

Jen - posted on 10/12/2011

Rabecca, seriously why would you want to live with someone like that? Honestly?

Rabecca - posted on 10/12/2011

I am trying to but he now hardly speaks to us and I still get a hostile vibe from him. For now he says he will not discipline our son at all, but with that he also hardly acknowledges him now.

Rabecca - posted on 10/12/2011

Unfortunately we live with him. He has seen me watching programs on parenting and reading books on it and his reaction was to tell me that it is all bs and pointless.

Sherri - posted on 10/12/2011

Spanking, pinching, hair pulling ya none of that is okay and is definitely abusive. I would definitely sit down and set out some strict ground rules. If he is unwilling to comply then maybe it is time to move on.

Rabecca - posted on 10/12/2011

Spanking, pinching, hair pulling, flicking... and doing boot camp exercises meant to be painful

Rabecca - posted on 10/12/2011

Yes disappeared from our lives after marrying another woman when our son was 6 weeks old. Just as our son was about to turn 4 he contacted me stating he wanted to be a family and bond with his son and make ammends. He moved us out to Texas to live with him. So now we live with him and he is the sole provider. He is an ex marine and now in the army so he has a lot of military background and incorporates that in his discipline. He has pinched, spanked, flicked and pulled hair. He also makes him do excersises that they do in military boot camps. And photographs our son as he is crying. We had a huge fight over this and now he has stated that he will not discipline our son at all.

JuLeah - posted on 10/12/2011

Well, discipline remember, means 'to teach' - it doesn't mean, shame, hit, cause one to fear, punch .....



I can't even think of a reason a person would want/need to hit a 4 yr old, and I assume that is what you are talking about.



Yes, that is abusive. It doesn't matter if he is the child's father. He doesn't have the right to hurt him



A stranger shows up and starts hitting him? That is how your kids see it



Does he live with you? If not, you have supervise visits, if the kid even wants to see him any more



If he does live with you ... well, if he lived with me, his bag would be on the curb already



Require he take parenting classes with you - read parenting books ... common ground with parenting is important, but there is no common ground that allows an adult to continue hurting a child - that just needs to stop

Erin - posted on 10/11/2011

Kick him out. There is no way I would have someone who is essentially a stranger to my child disciplining him at all, let alone in a way that you feel is abusive.

So give him an ultimatum.. either keep his hands to himself or get out. And if that happens make sure you do as Jodi said. Document everything and have a court order that no physical discipline is to be used.

Sherri - posted on 10/11/2011

You are not specifying what the discipline was?? So honestly not sure how to help you??

Sit down and discuss it and come to an agreed common ground.

Jodi - posted on 10/11/2011

Oh, ok, so he disappeared out of your life and has just come back to you? Are you still in a relationship or is he just living there with you (sorry for all the questions, it does make a difference).

Sorry, but if we are talking spanking here (you haven't specified, so I am making an assumption), with my partner it would be a deal breaker. He'd be looking for a new place to live. I would ALSO make sure the court orders specified no spanking, and if it ever happened, visitation would revert to supervised visitation only.

Rabecca - posted on 10/11/2011

Actually we are living together but no there was never any court ordered visitation

Jodi - posted on 10/11/2011

Do you have court orders in relation to visitation?

Rabecca - posted on 10/11/2011

Thank you Cynthia. I pray I find a way to get through.

Cynthia - posted on 10/11/2011

it is sad that someone, father or not would discipline a kid they hardly know. if you gut tells you it is abusive trust that and stop it now b4 it get worse. dont let no one hit your kid. not even his dad.