Who's to blame ?

Jennifer - posted on 10/11/2011

I always say I can never blame a woman for wanting what I have...so with that I say 100% the husband...Stepping outside the marriage is uncalled for...if he was unhappy he should just say so and try and fix it, if there is no fix after counseling them peace 2 fingers!!!

Stifler's - posted on 10/11/2011

The husband. She has no responsibility to the wife. She's not her wife or even her friend. She could have said no but the fact is that he would have gone off and did it with someone else or still been thinking about/wanting to do it with her. if he's doing it to escape from problems in the marriage... it's still his fault he had an affair instead of working it out.

Gina - posted on 10/11/2011

I think the husband and the other woman are to blame. The husband should not be looking elsewhere, regardless of his home life! He should be man enough to talk to his wife and let her know how he is feeling. As for the other woman since she knows he is married , she should tell the man she is not going there with him because he has a wife! These woman get under my skin and are nothing but skanks and home wreckers in my book.

Karen - posted on 05/06/2010

I don't think blame is the correct word here because it implies that one of the parties is totally not at fault. As humans and adults we have choices to make. Each person involved made a choice and should realize that all choices have consequences, good or bad. The difference is the cheaters chose not to live with honesty and integrity and not to honor the vows / promises they made. Unless someone held a gun to their head, the choice was theirs to make. So...the wife may or may not have had made a choice to be difficult, nasty, whatever. However, that is her choice to make and she cannot dictate someone else's reaction to her choice. The husband chose to be dishonest and not act with integrity when he cheated. The other woman chose to not act with integrity, either. In the end it's says a lot about the character of the people involved. Yes, people make mistakes but noone can force someone else to make a mistake, especially since all involved knew that people were already married. In the end its not about blame its about choices and it says a boatload about how people choose to act when in a negative situation as well as how they choose to repair the damage that may have been caused. The end result of this also is a choice made by all parties involved. I know would be and would have been were I in either of the woman's shoes but noone can dictate that to me, its something that I would make of my own free will.

Corena - posted on 05/06/2010

Thanks! I think so too. He is very talented. He is also in a band called She Says Electric.

Stephanie - posted on 05/06/2010

Corena- He's a great singer and that's a beautiful song. He sounds alot like John Mayer.

Emma - posted on 05/04/2010

Corena
You have a capacity for forgiveness i just do not posses,
So you are a strong woman and your husband is a very lucky man.
The song is lovely,
I hope you get another 14 years

Amanda - posted on 05/04/2010

Its everyone's fault. First, you need to people to make a marriage and you can't single out one person for being the reason for it to end. Second, how can you not blame a woman who knows their is already a marriage in place for screwing the man? Third, everyone needs help!

Corena - posted on 05/04/2010

Thanks Stephanie. I don't really feel special, I still have moments when I "remember" how I felt and want to claw his eyes out.
I don't regret my decision though. He really is a great guy. He just made a mistake that he regrets every day.
I love him and I love our family. Plus, he is a musician and wrote a great song about it and me...how special...lol.
You can listen to it if you want... http://derekusher.sayvee.com/listen ... The song is called Divine Grace.

Stephanie - posted on 05/04/2010

Corena- You are such a strong woman for being able to put that behind you and move forward in your marriage. Forgiveness is one of the hardest things and those who can forgive such a severe insult are special, and rare, people. I hope your husband knows how lucky he is. I couldn't do it- If my husband cheated on me I'd leave him and take his balls with me. ; )

Corena - posted on 05/04/2010

My marriage was not screwed up. It was pretty much perfect...but...I had a miscarriage after trying to get pregnant for 9 years. I worked through it, he felt he had to "be a man" and did not deal with it appropriately. Combine that with financial problems making him feel inadequate and a cute 20 year old coming on to him and, voila!, he cheated in the 10th year of our marriage.

1) Definitely his fault...he chose to not talk to me about how he was feeling and what he was going through. He chose to have sex with someone other than me.
2) Definitely her fault...she not only knew he was married...he told her he was happily married. She did it anyway.
3) A little bit my fault...I was so wrapped up in my own pain and stuff that I was not paying attention to how he was feeling.

Nothing is black and white.

Yes, we are still married. 14 years this August. We are doing great now. It was a big wake up call for both of us.
Although if it ever happens again, he is history.

Suzette - posted on 05/03/2010

Okay so I asked my husband and there's a twist on this for military (In the U.S. anyway).



Here it is...



First, if this is civilian he believes it's the husband's fault (mainly) and if the woman knew he was married then it's partially her fault too.



Second, if things are falling apart at home and the woman refuses to give him a divorce... that's a tough situation.



Now for military:



Again the same applies in the first situation as far as the husband at fault and the other woman.



If the wife is refusing divorce, she can, in a way, keep him tied in the marriage. After so many years married to a service member the wife automatically gets the housing allowance. This means that the husband would be forced to move into the barracks, plus child support if there are children. But if they're still married (if she's refusing divorce) then the husband isn't allowed to have a barracks room... he has to stay in that house with her. On the same hand, they're still married and adultery isn't allowed in the military. And if his chain of command finds out he can get in trouble for it... like an article 15... or if it gets pushed harder, then worse punishment. But that can hurt both the husband and wife as with an article 15 they can dock pay. If the chain of command knows about the wife refusing divorce and the husband has a gf on the side... he doesn't know about that scenario. (Neither do I.) So, personally, with that situation, I think it should be taken to the chain of command so that the husband's butt is covered, of course I think they should investigate it and make sure it's the truth first. And just because they've been married so long and the husband doesn't think it's fair to lose the housing allowance to the wife so does NOT give him the right to cheat.

Amber - posted on 05/03/2010

all parties play a part and all parties have their own faults in this kind of situation

Kathy - posted on 05/03/2010

Impossible to say without knowing more than the bare bones of the situation. There may have been problems in the marriage that we don't know about. The wife may have been cheating. There may have been genuine feelings between the husband and the other woman. There may have been all sorts of issues.

Lyndsay - posted on 05/03/2010

The husband is to blame, of course. While I'm sure he could probably make up a dozen reasons to justify his actions to himself, if he was unhappy there are many other courses of action to take. I also think that the other woman is to blame, if she knows that the man is married. Some women really don't care that their breaking up a home, in which case it probably doesn't matter to them if the wife blames them or not.

Jennifer - posted on 05/03/2010

Definitely the husband, I don't care how bad the wife or marriage is there is not excuse for cheating. I would also blame the other women, in what universe is it okay to sleep with a married man?? (Not mine)

Stephanie - posted on 05/03/2010

That's so funny! : p

Emma - posted on 05/03/2010

We try our best to keep things in check you may not of gotten off so light if you said you painted your baby's toenails or put a bow in there hair LOL (threads that have gotten way overheated)

Stephanie - posted on 05/03/2010

Thank you Teresa and Kelly. Nothing is ever black and white when things like this happen. You can't just label someone a home wrecker without knowing the truth of the situation. Wrong is wrong, but being wrong and being someone who is a home wrecker who skirted around behind a man's wife's back are 2 completely different things.
I really appreciate that you ladies have been non-judgemental and supportive. I really do....I was kind of nervous posting about this. : )

Stephanie - posted on 05/03/2010

Thanks Emma- I did make a wonderful friend. We both went through so much with / because of this man. He is certainly a dog of the worst form. He hasn't even seen his kids in over 9 years....which really they are so much better off and they have a wonderful step-dad who treats them as his own. We (me and the ex-wife) are both in great places in our lives now, happily married, beautiful children, great careers, and just true happiness and peace in life....things we could have never had with that man. It definitely was a learning experience for sure- after I left him I stayed single for over 2 years just bc I was so shattered by the whole ordeal. Then, when I met my husband I had this check list to go down of characteristics that would be deal breakers lol. Thankfully my husband is the complete opposite of that man! I figured I better hold on to him! ; )

Kelly - posted on 05/03/2010

Stephanie, Thanks for sharing. Everyone is entitled to make mistakes--like you said, you learned valuable lessons from the experience, and so did his wife. Like I said, all three parties hold some of the blame, including the other woman and the wife, but I hate when people belittle either of them--they made mistakes, they are entitled to them, and they learned from them. They are not bad people, or skanks, or any of the other horrible names people call them, they are just people who have made mistakes--just like the rest of us.

Teresa - posted on 05/03/2010

Ditto Emma. :)

Emma - posted on 05/03/2010

@ Stephanie
Thank you for sharing your experiences, you add a different perspective on the discussion, The guy was a Dog but look on the bright side you made a great friend out of his Ex.
You made a mistake you have learn from it chalk it up to life experiences and forgive yourself . his Ex has :-)

Stephanie - posted on 05/03/2010

I just want to make something clear: In no way am I justifying having a relationship with this man. I am just sharing the circumstances. Even though I fell madly in love with this man and believed every one of his lies, I knew he was still legally married and I should not have had a relationship with him. What I did goes completely against my moral and religious beliefs. But I will say that I was young, immature, had no family therefore had no example of what "normal" or "acceptable" is. I found someone who said he loved me more than life itself- I had never been loved by anyone before, not even my own parents. Yes, in the end his love was a game and I will forever be filled with regret, shame and disgust. My friend, his ex-wife, always tells me when the subject comes up that I don't have to apologize anymore, that she forgives me but still, everytime, 12 years later I beg forgiveness of her and probably always will. I can't forgive myself and am still to this moment sickened with shame.

Amy - posted on 05/03/2010

i think it's a joint effort on all parties. If you don't keep your spouse happy - someone else will. Granted some people don't want to change and you can't do a thing about it. I think it's wrong for anyone to KNOW they are sleeping with a married person. I think they should tell that married person to divorce and then call them. I think any spouse thinking of cheating needs to tell their partner they are unhappy and see if it can be resolved first. If not, then say we need to part ways so we can both be with someone who can satisfy ALL needs. It's hard. Marriage isn't easy. But if you don't fix the problem with wife/husband, what makes people think the new relationship will be so much better?

Shannon - posted on 05/03/2010

Both the husband & the other woman..

Emma - posted on 05/03/2010

I have been propositioned by lots of married men when i was working (Bar trade) And hand on heart can say never once have i gone there.
They all use the tired old crap "my wife dose not understand me" , "We got married to young and have grown apart", "Since the baby she wont let me touch her" , "We are separated" , "we are in the proses of getting devoiced" "She's cheating on me" ect ect same old crap every time.
I feel sorry for the woman who get sucked in to these men's lies.
But from my experiences its always the man fishing for an affair and if there out looking for one they will use every excuse in the book to get one.

Kelly - posted on 05/03/2010

Teresa, I respect your opinion, but mine will stay the same. Besides, you admitted your marriage was "screwed up" (your words, not mine) before he cheated, which basically proves my point--men cheat when the relationship is lacking. I have been cheated on, and I own up to my part of the blame. When I say that the wife should shoulder some of the blame, I am not saying she "made" her husband go cheat on her; I am saying that there were obviously issues in the relationship that went unnoticed and ignored by BOTH parties.

As for the sex addiction issue. I believe sex addiction is a treatable condition just like alcoholism or drug addiction. If a woman is with a man who has a sex addiction, she has to chose: Leave him so that she is no longer a part of the relationship and thus will not be cheated on, or stay in the relationship and work through the treatment, just as if he were an alcoholic. The decision is hers and both decisions are admirable. If she choses to stay, she cannot blame him entirely because if she hadn't chosen to stay, he would not be in a relationship and thus, he would be unable to cheat on her.

Stephanie - posted on 05/03/2010

The husband is definitely to blame. He made this choice and when you are married, regardless of hard times or not, you have taken a vow to be faithful. In a situation like with Jesse James, yes, the woman is also at fault but the husband is the one who made a promise to the wife, not this other woman. But she is a whore for knowingly participating in an affair.

As ashamed as I am to admit it, at one point in my life I was the other woman. I did not have a secret affair. The man I was with was seperated and impending divorce. He was in the military in Virginia and his wife had left with the children and went back to California. When I met him she was already gone but never did she expect him to take up with another woman so soon. I was lied to, yet I believed everything he told me. He told me she was crazy and evil, that the marriage had been over for a long time and that it was just a matter of paper work. The truth was that she left him the very day before we met...not long before. Imagine her surprise to find out he was seeing me. She was devastated but at the time, being young and believing this man, I believed that she was just jealous to see him move on. Even so, if you and your husband were divorcing it would be so painful to know that he was with another woman, especially so soon, even if she had no intention of working it out it would be devastating. His tangled web of lies quickly fell apart and I realized that the man I was in love with didn't exist, that the man I loved was a character that this sick and devious man created. I'm so thankful that his wife, kids and myself all got away from him as he was an extremely dangerous person, a sociopath.



That was 12 years ago and his ex-wife is now one of my dearest friends, an amazing woman, whom I talk to almost every day.

Jane - posted on 05/02/2010

The Husband - if he wanted out, he should have just left
The Wife - I don't care what anyone says...it takes two to screw up a marriage. It's never one persons fault (I'm not talking about abusive relationships)
The Other Woman - Go find a single man

I believe EVERYONE is at fault in these situations.

Lise - posted on 05/02/2010

Main person? The husband.

Melissa - posted on 05/02/2010

The husband and the other woman, of course.

Teresa - posted on 05/02/2010

You are laying partial blame on the wife for falling short and causing the man to cheat and I am saying that is absolutely false. No one person can MAKE another person happy if the other person doesn't chose to be happy. Regardless of what they do or don't do. Happiness is a choice. Same as love. I spent enough time taking the blame for things that were not my fault at all. I owned my portion of blame, but won't own any of the rest and I will argue w/ anyone that says the wife is to blame if the husband cheats or the husband is to blame if the wife cheats. It is simply untrue under any circumstances. People need to own up to their own sinful, selfish decisions. Yes, my marriage was screwed up, but it is not my fault in any way, shape, or form that my ex decided to bail on me and my kids and spent an entire month (that he was supposed to be working) screwing some other woman before coming home and telling me that our marriage was over.



And for anyone that says the other woman shares no blame? Seriously?! Yes, the cheater deserves MOST of the blame, but anyone who willingly has sex w/ someone else's spouse is not exempt from all blame.



I don't actually have a lot of bitterness anymore (hard to imagine, huh?). But when this topic comes up I am very outspoken about it. Unless you've lived it you have no clue.

April - posted on 05/02/2010

@kelly what about a sex addiction? what if there is nothing wrong in the relationship but the man (or the woman) is addicted to sex and even tho his (or her) partner is great in bed, it just isn't enough bc of the addiction? do you think that would be an exception to the "cheating is a sympton of a troubled relationship" theory?

Kelly - posted on 05/02/2010

"You're right, Kelly. I fell short by expecting my husband to hold true to promises he made before he married me and fell short by trying to still make our marriage work instead of throwing his butt out when he raped me the night of my first miscarriage.... " --Teresa Wintersteen
I have no idea what you are talking about here; you make no sense. I never said anything about women staying with men who rape them. I also never said the wife should stay in the marriage after the husband cheats, she has every right to obtain a divorce.

"Kelly, I could see you saying that the RELATIONSHIP is falling short. But the wife? That's not really fair. Most men do not cheat because they want a "romantic relationship" in order to make up for their wife's shortcomings." --Krista Elliot

The relationship IS the husband and the wife. If it is failing, they are failing. A relationship is nothing without the people who make it, thus it cannot fail (or thrive) unless the people it is made from fail (or thrive).
And actually, the reason most people (in general, men and women) cheat is to replace a part of their current relationship that is lacking. It is NOT an excuse to cheat, cheating is wrong no matter what, but cheating is a symptom of a troubled relationship. In other words, if the relationship were healthy and both members were getting everything they needed from it, there would be not driving factor to cause the cheating in the first place.

Brie - posted on 05/02/2010

i went through this situation a few years ago my dad slept with my moms best friend... best friends for 25 years and married for 23 years but the bitch still slept with my dad...

its both their faults but like the song cheater, cheater to lay your hands on a married man is about as low as a girl can get...
its screwed up for the husband if there are issues then he needs to address them and or get a divorce first...
that just goes to show that he is a disrespectful, no good coward and yes i have called my dad that!!!
i am very close with him but it took me a very long time to forgive him but i still hate the woman it was with... what people don't realize when they cheat it might hurt the couple but it really really hurts the kids!!

Amber - posted on 05/02/2010

The husband and other woman.
A couple of people have said the wife because it is her responsibilty to make sure her partner is happy in the relationship. This is very true. However, it is the husbands responsibility to come to her and say that he is unhappy! He should not go to a third woman to "fix" the problem.
If she didn't know he had a problem, she couldn't fix it. And if she did know and it still wasn't working for him...he should leave her, NOT cheat on her.
Even if your partner isn't making you happy, you should have the respect to walk away from them.

LaCi - posted on 05/02/2010

Some people just cheat, there doesn't have to be a problem within the relationship. Some people just aren't satisfied screwing a single person until they die. Some people like variety.

The other women isn't at fault in the slightest. So she knew that he was married, big deal. The temptress doesn't matter in the least if the man is loyal. Entirely the husbands fault. There will always be another woman who wants your man, you have to have a trustworthy man to begin with. If it wasn't her, it could have just as easily been someone else.

However, I think the type of affair also makes a difference. Is it purely sexual or have the husband and the mistress fallen absolutely head over heels for one another? Love happens you don't choose it, you can't control it, and it does affect your decision making.

Alison - posted on 05/02/2010

The husband and the other woman are to blame. But I can understand some situations where one party to a marriage causes the other to be so unhappy that they develop a connection to a third party.

Suzette - posted on 05/02/2010

I agree with Krista, blaming the wife is completely uncalled for. Unless the wife is somehow sticking her head in the sand and allowing it to happen. (I've seen cases like this before, but they're few and far between.) Saying that the wife has a "duty to keep her man happy" is like saying that the sun has a duty to shine in Alaska year round.



There are men out there that are just complete jerks, sorry. Yes, there are women out there that are completely clueless, have no idea what's going on, and they get cheated on. They live life everyday with no clue that their husbands are out (saying they're working) cheating on them. Their wives are supportive of their careers (which could take up a LOT of time, depending on the career, and they're at home raising families. (Like the military, lawyers, doctors, and others.)

My biological father was a truck driver, my mom supported his career she had no idea he was running around on her. She found out though, and it turned out to be with her best friend. They'd been having an affair for quite some time. I suppose had she been some little detective she could have found out, but she believed the vows of marriage that she took, and that he took.



His excuse?

"Some men cheat because they are immature little boys who fantasize about having a woman who always looks perfect, never asks them to take out the garbage, is never tired and cranky, always wants to hear about their day, etc. Instead of appreciating the deeper intimacy of marriage, warts and all, they focus on the superficial crap, and when their wife shows signs of being a real human being with flaws, they look elsewhere."



My mother had 2 kids at home she was raising, she didn't have time to cater to his "every need" of looking perfect constantly. He was a superficial jerk, amongst other things.

Kristin - posted on 05/02/2010

The other woman, the husband, and then the wife. The other woman should know better. The husband needs to address the issues as home before he steps out. And even if you've done everything "right," that may not have been what was needed. All of them are somewhat culpable here.

Belinda - posted on 05/01/2010

I think that every cheating situation is different so it's hard for me to form an opinion. I'd need details. But for the sake of argument, if the wife had no clue and had done everything right in her marriage??? Then the husband is a douche and the woman is a skank and they'd both be buried in my backyard.

Teresa - posted on 05/01/2010

Thanks Tanya. You're very right. I'm not that same woman anymore. Well, my core is the same, but I'm a lot stronger and I KNOW I'm worth more than what I dealt w/ and put up w/ back then. ;)

Krista - posted on 05/01/2010

"The husband and wife should be doing everything possible to make each other happy, so if the man feels like he needs to have a romantic relationship in addition to the one he has with his wife, then she is obviously falling short in some area."

Kelly, I could see you saying that the RELATIONSHIP is falling short. But the wife? That's not really fair. Most men do not cheat because they want a "romantic relationship" in order to make up for their wife's shortcomings.

Some men cheat because they have such low self-esteem that no one woman could ever provide them with enough personal validation.

Some men cheat because they like the thrill of the chase.

Some men cheat because they have piss-poor impulse control and let things get out of hand.

Some men cheat just because the opportunity presented itself.

Some men cheat because they have this stupid Madonna/whore complex and want to try something kinky but would never dare bring it up with their wife because they wouldn't respect her if she was "that kind of woman."

Some men cheat because they are immature little boys who fantasize about having a woman who always looks perfect, never asks them to take out the garbage, is never tired and cranky, always wants to hear about their day, etc. Instead of appreciating the deeper intimacy of marriage, warts and all, they focus on the superficial crap, and when their wife shows signs of being a real human being with flaws, they look elsewhere.

Obviously if the wife notices that something is amiss, then yes, she has a responsibility to not just stick her head in the sand. But once again, I will reiterate: no woman MAKES her man cheat. He always has that choice. And if he decides to make the choice to cheat, then he, and he alone, owns that decision.

Tanya - posted on 05/01/2010

@ Teresa I am sorry to hear about that. My heart really goes out to you. Honestly you did not fall short. Everyone makes mistakes. The thing you have to remember is that you are not the same person that you were back then and you can not do anything to change what "she" did. You must be very strong to have gotten over this and still be able to talk about it

Teresa - posted on 05/01/2010

You're right, Kelly. I fell short by expecting my husband to hold true to promises he made before he married me and fell short by trying to still make our marriage work instead of throwing his butt out when he raped me the night of my first miscarriage....



Sorry, I'll try to stay OUT of this post cuz it's just ticking me off.

Rosie - posted on 05/01/2010

the husband and the other woman are both equal in blame. if she wasn't married then i'd say all his fault. but since she is-it's both of em. stupid ass people cheating when all they need to do is leave.

Tanya - posted on 05/01/2010

I think the husband, but I have to know if the other woman was coming on to the married man or the other way around. If he was the on coming on to her and telling her his relationship is over anyway than all him, but if she knew he was having trouble and said she could "help" then both of them. Not the wife b/c as far a we know she has been faithful and doesn't know about problems in her relationship or is working on them

Ashley - posted on 05/01/2010

the husband. Why? b/c he is the only one who has complete control on his "cheating" The woman should opt out of an affair but her reasons are her own. A wife (especially one who doesn't neccessarily know her husband is unhappy enough to cheat) can never be blamed. The husband should man up and say I am unhappy and I think I want to see other ppl... Divorce!

Kelly - posted on 05/01/2010

I think all three share in the blame.
The husband and wife should be doing everything possible to make each other happy, so if the man feels like he needs to have a romantic relationship in addition to the one he has with his wife, then she is obviously falling short in some area.
That is NOT to say the husband and other woman are not to blame--They would hold by far the most of the blame. First, the husband should have spoken to his wife about his issues, what he felt was missing from their relationship (that he hoped to get out of the second relationship), and tried to fix the marriage BEFORE cheating. Second, the other woman should not have given him the opportunity to cheat. Sure, she didn't MAKE him cheat, but she presented him with an appealing opportunity to. She purposefully interposed a condition she knew to be detrimental to his marriage.