You know your teenager is in a sexual relationship. Do you...

[deleted account] ( 45 moms have responded )

Do you allow them to have a sexual relationship with their boyfriend or girlfriend under your roof or not?

For the sake of argument, let's assume your child is 16 years old.

Would you make the same decision for a female and male child?

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Jodi - posted on 06/18/2010

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Well, I do have a step-daughter who is in a sexual relationship, so this is not a hypothetical for me. Nor would it be any different if she was a boy. Not in my house. Yes, it is a serious relationship. She turned 18 today, her boyfriend is 19 and they have been together for about 15 months now. But they are not having sex in my house. I have younger children here to think of, and it is not the example I want set for them. If HIS parents allow her to have sex in their house, then so be it. It is their house and their rules. I am not going to have a fit over the fact that she is in a sexual relationship (and neither does my husband). She is old enough to make her own decision about that. But my view is that I have rules in my house, and until she is engaged or married, they are the rules. They are also the rules I lived by in my parents' house when I was younger.

She actually is ok with it too - she understands and respects the rules. So it isn't an issue for anyone.

[deleted account]

I feel ya on the respect...I don't think having sex in my parents house was a respect thing though... it was a matter of convienence and when you are 14-18 you take it where you can get it...it wasn't JUST at home, it was in the shed where we smoked, on the beach approach (a friend pulled up just before a cop so we were dressed in time to avoid any flashlights knocking on our window!!!)...I never once dropped my pants thinking, fuck my parents! I suppose on some level I didn't respect them because I ignored their rules...but it was more of a disagreement w/the rules...I disagreed with the part where my brother could have sex ANYWHERE in the house and I wasn't even allowed to have my b/f overnight? At the time we weren't even having sex! So in my father's disregard for equality I disregarded his rules that reflected his bias. I suppose that boils down to respect...

I'd ♥ to claim that my 4 yr old and almost 1 yr old boys will respect me enough to not have sex in our house, but I just doubt that...I presume if the house is empty and mom & dad aren't coming home soon and the opportunity arises that it will be taken is all... I will surely teach my boys about responsibilities of having sex, for him & for her, and all that stuff Jen was saying she told her 12 year old...I plan on having a very open dialogue going on from here on out... My oldest already knows where babies come from, that he needs to go to college before he has a family, that boys have penises and girls have vulvas...etc etc etc. He's been told that their are different types of families... and all of this will only get more detailed as the years go on. I don't plan on hiding behind my comfort levels on any of this...I want my boys to be completely informed on all the possibilities of their decisions and how they will affect the people around them. I also know that the majority of the time I have sex is for fun too...so why would I be nieve and think that my sons wouldn't also do the same??? My husband and I may have started having sex, with eachother, at 14 but we were also smart enough to not get pregnant until after we were married etc...which was not no shotgun wedding after HS...we got married 6 yrs after being together (age 20) and had our first born 3.5 yrs later, so after 9 yrs of being together... just because you have sex doesn't mean you will have a baby, you just have to be smart about it! I plan on teaching my children to be smart about it is all...my intention is not, nor ever was, to play the ostrich here.

[deleted account]

Yes! I would treat them both the same. Because both are responsible for the outcomes. My son is 13 and has his first girlfriend. They haven't even held hands yet because as he put it, HE'S not ready. He also said to me as we were having one of our serious talks that he would 'step up' and take care of a baby. I asked him what exactly it meant to do step up. He said some nice things about love and support. I then asked him about diapers. About clothing. About strollers. About car seats. About daycare and gave him an idea of current costs. It was all going over his head until I asked him how much he thought he would make at his first job at the local grocery store (what he wants when he's 16). I then hit him with the reality of minimum wage. I then had him do the math (he's a math brain) and tell me where he would pay for all of this. Reality of parenthood suddenly sunk in hard.

I have told him to wait until he's married if at all possible because only then does he have the best possible chance of raising a child well. Even if the marriage breaks up, he has legal rights at that point. We are pro-choice in our house but I asked him how he would feel if the young lady took advantage of that choice. How would he feel knowing that his child was lost to him forever? His father and stepmother had his bother 3 years ago and he LOVES his little brother. I asked him how he would have felt if they had chosen to abort. That also sank home. I also asked what if the young lady gave his child up for adoption and refused to put his name on the birth certificate. Once again, his child is lost to him.

I can go on and on about disease but imo, pregnancy is the issue that hits home for most teens. I think pregnancy of all kinds (in or out of wedlock) is glamorized in our society in a dangerous way. I was appalled when the term 'baby bump' became a headline on a supermarket rag. Suddenly they were cute and oh who had them?

Babies are cute but parenthood is not. It's a serious responsibility and should never be approached lightly. I can say for myself that I never once had unprotected sex except when I was married and trying to get pregnant on purpose. As I told my son, sex never 'just happens' anymore than going to the toilet just happens or eating a delicious dessert just happens. You make a conscious choice each and every time you drop your pants.

I told him the absolute only way to ensure nobody got pregnant or got a disease was to not have sex. If he does, he has to wear a condom each and every time. Even if his girlfriend is on the pill, he is equally responsible for their activity. He is 100% responsible for his own protection as well as hers.

I also discussed that while premarital sex is not wrong imo, it is still not something to be taken lightly. No matter how our society's values have changed, the sad fact is that girls are still looked down upon for having sex. I have also taught him that this is wrong but unfortunately the viewpoints of too many. Therefore when he has sex, he runs the risk of damaging that girl's reputation so he must make doubly sure that it is someone he truly loves and cares about.

I would NEVER allow him to have sex in my home unless he was engaged or married. If he feels he's old enough to have sex, then he's going to have to find a location he feels honors this young lady and do it.

Rosie - posted on 06/16/2010

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no! as much as i have thought about this, and i know they'll do it anyway (i did) i just cannot give my children the bed, candles and barrry white playing in the background. not gonna happen. i will however give them condoms. i have all boys, they will wrap their stuff if i have to glue saran wrap on their penises i will, lol!

Lyndsay - posted on 06/16/2010

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I don't think I would specifically "allow" any child of mine to have sex in my house. However, I would allow them to have some privacy (depending on my child's partner and how I feel about her) and I would probably assume that they were having sex. In my opinion, its going to happen anyways and I'd rather it be somewhere safe than in a back alley or a park somewhere. As long as he's discreet and has some respect for me (ie: doesn't come prancing out all sweaty in his underwear), I would pretend like I didn't know.

I think I would be the same way if I had a girl... as long as she wasn't bringing home dirtbags.

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45 Comments

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Teresa - posted on 07/10/2011

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Not under my roof sorry. I did make the same decision the same for both my son and my daughters. I do not ever want them to think I condone sex outside of marriage. I will never enable behavior I dont' approve of and they know it.

Angela - posted on 07/10/2011

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My friend (a divorced father of 2, raising his 2 boys alone who didn't have a girlfriend of his own) said "NO!! If I'm not getting any, then my son isn't going to rub it in my face by having his girlfriend in MY house for sex - under MY roof!!

Cara - posted on 07/18/2010

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I think 16 is far too young to be having sex, as it is too young to be a responsible parent. No way would I allow it for either sex. I have two girls, and they have been taught to understand that a boy that would risk their future that way has no regard for them. My dd13 has a boyfriend, and he has been seriously, but lovingly, educated as to our expectations, and in 7 months, has not stepped out of line.
We also don't allow enough privacy for anything to happen :) and won't.

LaCi - posted on 07/17/2010

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It's only a matter of respect if your parents have a problem with it. My son having sex in my house wouldn't really be a respect issue, since I don't really care. It's also not a matter of me being a friend rather than a parent, I just respect people's sexual choices. Since I'm not concerned about anyone getting married, obviously, it's really not an issue of whether he intends to marry the girl... or boy... he brings home.



And reputation isn't even an issue anymore. It wasn't an issue when I was in high school, there was no high school slut, almost everyone was sexually active. So I'm certainly not concerned about that, although even if it were still an issue I wouldn't expect my child to follow social more's just to maintain some reputation when inside they don't fit in with that conformed image.

Jodi - posted on 07/17/2010

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Quoting Erin:
"I disagreed with the part where my brother could have sex ANYWHERE in the house and I wasn't even allowed to have my b/f overnight?"

I am just picking this out of your post because I found it interesting that apparently your parents had different rules for each of you? That is one of the reasons I don't even allow my 18 year old step-daughter to sleep with her boyfriend overnight here.....because there are younger children and I believe it is unacceptable for THEM. Anyway, I just thought that an interesting point and was curious about the different rules for different children.

Karen - posted on 07/16/2010

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In the end the question is of respect. At 16 or even at 25 I respected my Parents enough to not have sex under their roof. Respect for myself because no boy (or maybe 1 in a million) is sleeping with a girl because they intend to marry them, at least not in this society. Therefore, the only reason that the boy has for sleeping with the girl (and the girl for the boy) is for their pleasure. Respect that the boy is interested in more than my body at 16. Respect for myself that I would be more interested in working on becoming an adult and knowing who I am than risking the possible consequences of the act. Respect for my reputation. When I was 16 we had names for girls like that, and most were not very nice. And believe me boys did and still do have names for those girls. I guess I valued my reputation and didn't want people's memories of me from HS as "that girl". So, it is a respect issue, pure and simple. How much does your child truly respect you if they would do that in your house at way too young and run the risk of you having to change your plans for the future to help clean up their mess. If you truly respect someone you don't put them in that sort of position.

And yes, I would be "that Parent", and yes, my child would be accompanying me to speak with the other family. It would mortify them, but if they wish to make that kind of decision then they have to deal with the results of that decision.

LaCi - posted on 07/16/2010

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I agree with most of what erin says. Given the option between whether I'd want my son to have sex in my house or out in public somewhere risking a public indecency charge, it's a no brainer. He will be educated, he will have adequate protection provided to him, and he will be expected to make responsible decisions. By no means do I expect my son to be celibate. However, I don't want to hear it, like I said earlier, because that's weird.

[deleted account]

I suppose the problem is I believe that a 16 year old boy is going to be having sex; that said 16 yr old boy would disregard their parent's wishes for them to not have sex in the family home. So to some extent I suppose I expect it...I was having sex @ 14 at mine & my boyfriend's houses... I would explain that I wish my children would reserve sex for committed relationships and to always consider if this is a person you would mind having kids w/as they can always be a result of sex. My son knows that kids are for after college, but he's 4! I will continue to instill that thought, but I don't expect him to be celebate until college? I don't think 16 is too young to have sex, I do think it is too young to have babies! And yes, I would be full willing to raise any children my son's make! I would not allow them to drop out of school to pay for said children, how counterproductive that would be! It wasn't really about MY embarrassment, but more so their's...hit them on a level that may embarrass them to keep them from doing something I do not appreciate in our house. Because it is OUR house...my house is every bit their house...so on some level, no i really don't care if they have sex in our house, but I do not want to be put on the receiving end of their stupid behavior...which is why they will be educated to the possible consequences of their behavior.

Karen - posted on 07/16/2010

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Erin - "I would probably tell my boys that I do not want them having sex in my house as there is the liklihood that anybody could walk in on them at ANY time and I DO NOT want to be put in that awkward position!"



So...it's OK in your opinion for your teenage boys to have sex in your house as long as noone walks in on them because it might embarrass you? How about it's not OK because they are too young and it's disrespectful to you to be in your house having sex? And you don't want another parent to take up their displeasure with your son's (and their daughter's) inappropriate behavior because it might embarrass you??? Is that really what you are saying? Where exactly on the inappropriate behavior scale do you draw the line - as long as the consequences of it don't embarrass you it's OK. So, you condone this behavior - are you willing to raise the resulting child, pay the medical bills for the resulting diseases, have your child drop out of school and jeopardize their future because they need to support a child at 16 or 17? As long as it doesn't embarrass you it's OK???



Please, if I misread your intent please clarify. If not, please respond to my questions.

[deleted account]

I have 2 boys and would find it in bad taste if I had some girl's parents banging down my door because I "allow" my son to have sex with her while we are all home :( I would really hate to be on the recieving end of some of you parents :)



As I know that telling your kid what you do/don't want done in your house may or may not make a difference...I would probably tell my boys that I do not want them having sex in my house as there is the liklihood that anybody could walk in on them at ANY time and I DO NOT want to be put in that awkward position! If you want me pulling you off some naked whore by your ear...well lets see if we can't embarrass you enough to think twice b4 doing that in my house! IDK...maybe I'd pull up a seat and have a sex talk w/the 2 of em while they sit there awkward and naked under sheets...hmmm the ways in which I could embarrass you...I don't know about talking to the parents? I think I'm a little sexist here, i'd probably talk to a male's parents if I found him on my daughter, but as I have no daughter...I don't know if I'd be going and telling her parents ??? My dad was always worse on me then my brother! He let my brother bang his g/fs all over his house, would get pissed about it, but never did anything to stop it...was never put in the position to do anything about me since I wouldn't dare let my dad hear me having sex! My boyfriend (now husband) did move in when we were 17, but we'd been together for 3 yrs, his mom moved over an hour away just before our SR yr and well, honestly, I didn't give Dad a choice, I came home from work and told him Kendall was moving in since he was essentially homeless...His only rule was he stayed in my brothers room. His mom gave him a 5th wheel for graduation and my mom had to convince my dad I could move in it with him...

Karen - posted on 07/15/2010

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If they are adult enough to make an adult decision to have sex, then they are adult enough to handle other responsibilities - like a job, a place to live, etc. Otherwise they are not adult enough to make a potentially life-long, life-changing decision. I don't care the gender, it is not OK for 16 year olds to have sex. I have a daughter so I intend to impress upon her the ramifications of a decision such as this - disease if not protected, and a child. If she has a child she needs to either make the very adult decision to give the baby up for adoption or make sure that she is ready to be tied to that person for the rest of her life. And if she raises the child she had better be prepared to say goodbye to her childhood since i don't intend to raise another generation, that is her job as the Mother. I don't know about you, but I can't remember any boy that I knew when I was 16 that I wanted to be tied to these many years later - heck, I was no prize at that age, either.



I want my daughter to know that sex is a responsibility, and adult decision, and a matter of respect. If the other person respects her enough he will wait until they have both grown up. By growing up I mean getting an education, buying a house, traveling, all the things you should do before you get married and settle down. If he is not willing to wait and get to know you as an adult person, go through the trials and tribulations of figuring out who you are in your 20's, etc., then he is not worth wasting your time for a brief moment of pleasure. I know who I was at that age and even into my 30's and changed so much, if I had been tied to some buy from that time period we would not be still together because he and I would have become totally different people.



So no, it is not appropriate for 16 y.o.'s to be doing it and under no circumstances would I sanction it in my own home. When she owns her place she can make her own rules. I also would teach her to have more respect for herself and to wait until she is more mature and has more experiences before she makes that kind of commitment to another person. For women sex is different and it involves a commitment and often heartbreak, no reason to take that on too early.



And yes, unless the other child would be beaten severely I would be speaking with the parents. Both kids reputations are at stake here and they shouldn't jeopardize that and their futures for a moment of pleasure. I would definitely allow the other parents to do their job just as I would expect the same courtesy extended to me were the tables turned.

Sarah - posted on 06/20/2010

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I will have frank discussions about sex, sexuality and safe sex. I will take my daughter to get on birth control. I will flip my lid if I come home and she's having sex. It would be bad. I will throw a naked teen out a window. I will call the other parent immediatly. Absolutely no sex in my house(except me and the hubs), no living with an boys in my house and no sleep overs at my house. Not until your 30 and married. Go have sex somewhere else. Do it in the back of his car like a normal teenager. I don't care how "in love" they are. No, no, no. And it would be no different if she were a boy, although my husband might think differently.

Corena - posted on 06/20/2010

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Absolutely not. And yes it would be the same whether it was my son or daughter.
They are 15 and 16...

Amber - posted on 06/20/2010

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If it were a serious relationship, protection was being used, and they were being discreet, then I would allow it. And I would allow it for both sexes. I don't think that my spouse would allow it though :) haha
His parents live 5 hours away and we go up for a week at a time every 2-3 months and he refuses to do anything in their home haha. So, I guess we'll figure out how it goes when we have to deal with it.

April - posted on 06/20/2010

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not in my house. male or female. i will definitely be encouraging birth control/condoms in the future (my son is only 17 months old). i will also be encourging him and any future siblings to make sure they are in love with the person before having sex. i don't think it is realistic to expect him to wait until marriage, but it can't hurt to encourage him to wait as long as possible!

[deleted account]

Latasha the best thing you can do is support her in whatever she decides. We all make mistakes and only the support of our family and friends can get us through. Does she want to keep her baby?

Lady - posted on 06/18/2010

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This is honestly a question I don't know the answer to and think I'm just going to have to cross that bridge when I come to it.
I think I would hopefully be aware that they are getting close to that stage before they got there and would have a very serious talk with them about it - we already have discussed the importants of condoms with my almost 12 year old son and will be doing the same with the girls and my other son when they get to the apropriate age - if he has a girlfriend that he is very seious about at that age then no I don't think I would be happy with them having sex in my house at 16 - maybe 18 if she is the same age and are both very commited to each other. I was 17 when I met my husband and was aloowed to stay at his house but then he was 21 and had been living away from home for some time and only went home for holidays.
I think my hubby would be more willing to let the boys have girlfriends over than he would be to let the girls have boyfriends over - I'm pretty much already dreading what he's going to be like to any boys that show an interest in our girls - he's very protective of them but has the attitude of boys will be boys lol!!

[deleted account]

My decision would be the same for either a female or male child and it would be that I wouldn't want them having sex in our home when we are there but I probably wouldn't acually say you can't have sex here. Yes they are legally allowed to have sex but they should respect that it is our house but I also know my husband and I had sex at my mam's house and would have regardless of whether she had said we could or couldn't. Basically I wouldn't openly say yes or no either way but would rather they had sex in a safe place. There's always going to be a time when you're not there and that's when it will happen. I'd make sure they know about safe sex well before the age of 16, and before 16 there'd be no sex allowed in our house. As for telling the other person's parents I wouldn't. It's the two 16 year olds choice to have sex.

Krista - posted on 06/17/2010

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I would allow my kids to overhear their father and I having really loud, nasty, ass-smacking sex.



Hopefully that would turn them off of sex altogether until they're at least 20.



Otherwise, I don't want it in my house. I will hammer home the idea of contraception, but if the back seat of a Pontiac Firefly in the middle of a Canadian January was good enough for me, it's good enough for my kids, dammit!

Zoe - posted on 06/17/2010

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o i forgot to put it would only be allowed if they were in a serious relationship with the person by serious i mean it has lasted more than a few months

Zoe - posted on 06/17/2010

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If i knew my teenager was having a sexual relationship i would make sure they had the right protection.My boyfrend lived at my mums house with me when i was 16 and he was 17 however we did not have sex till my 17th . So my answer would be yes i no alot of people will disagree but if kids want to have sex they will do it whether u tel them to or not so i would rather have my kid doing it safely instead of a backalley some where possibly not using protection and catching std's etc . I have a son and i would say the same if i had a girl aswell. I will be doing all i can to make sure my child nows all about contraception so they dont have kids themselves before they are ready

Carolee - posted on 06/16/2010

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The only time it will ever be allowed in my house is if they are engaged or married and they are only living with us until they get a place of their own. If somebody's having sex in my house, it's going to be me (and my husband). I know they'll do it somewhere else, and that's okay, as long as they are in love and not just doing it out of spite or for the sake of being a whore (male or female).

Charlie - posted on 06/16/2010

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Teenagers who ARE sexually active will find a place and a way regardless of whether you let them or not , i would like to think they would wait but im not naive and i know / remember what the reality of teenage hormones are its not something you can just sweep under the rug , they would have to respect me enough to not do it when i am around or in ear shot eeeew.

I would have to let the other parents know see what their take is on the situation , i would make sure my kids are taking precautions and provide condoms, i would only allow it after considering their relationship and how stable and lasting it is and will be , i would not tolerate random girls in my home .

Sherri - posted on 06/16/2010

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NO not on God's green earth. They are not old enough and will not be given the opportunity to be alone with any girl without adult supervision at 16. If they say they are going to her house I will be speaking to the girls parents if they are here so will I. I am a SAHM so this will not be a problem.

Meghan - posted on 06/16/2010

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I like to think my son will be assexual...yes I am chosing to be niave and not even go there right now! LOL

Shalaina - posted on 06/16/2010

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Heck no, not happening inside of our house. It would be very disrespectful especially because of our beliefs,etc. Obviously it is impossible to keep them from having sex elsewhere if they really wanted to so I would take them to the Dr for information for them and make sure that it is safe sex. I am not raising a grandchild. I like the idea of getting them tested regularly like someone else said. Not only smart but MAY act as a deterrent?

LaCi - posted on 06/16/2010

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"The next question should be if you found out your 16yo son/daughter was having sex would you let the partners parents know? I think I probably would..."



I think I would be a bit sexist here lol. Honestly, I would be somewhat afraid of that situation if my son had a girlfriend because of how much harder some parents are on girls in these situations. If a boy's father finds out he's having sex he very well could get a "that a boy!" if a girl's father finds out she could end up locked in her room until she's 18. Oh geez, and who knows if he has a boyfriend, it could be worse for a gay teenage boy and I'm certainly not outing a boy to his parents, that's much too personal.. I think it would really depend on the parents and how well I knew them, as well as the specifics of the situation.

Jackie - posted on 06/16/2010

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The next question should be if you found out your 16yo son/daughter was having sex would you let the partners parents know? I think I probably would...

Amy - posted on 06/16/2010

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I would do the same for either gender of the child. First off I would be talking to them about sex, safe sex, etc. Encourage them to wait and all that jazz. If my child was having sex I would take them to the dr and have the dr tell them of all the dangers (as a refresher) and have them be tested every year for any STD's etc. I wouldn't allow it in my home, but I would defiantly be talking to them about it and making sure they were safe, etc.

LaCi - posted on 06/16/2010

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That's a sticky situation. I will certainly be providing him with condoms, but I don't want him bringing random girls to my house to bang. If he were dating a girl (or boy whatever) for a decent amount of time I would be pretty neutral to it. I WOULD expect him to do it when I'm not around. These walls are paper thin, I don't want to hear it. Bleh. He had better maintain some privacy about it.

[deleted account]

Allow in my home? Absolutely not. I'm not naive enough to think it's impossible that they WOULD w/out my knowledge if I weren't home, but I definitely wouldn't be giving it the green light.... for any of my kids.

Big surprise, huh? lol!

Joanna - posted on 06/16/2010

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If I knew my child was sexually active I would make sure they (male or female) have proper birth control, but honestly, I dont' think I'd allow it under the roof of my house (the same as I wouldn't tolerate cursing or violence).

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