Your daughter and birth control

Shelby - posted on 02/23/2010 ( 48 moms have responded )

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O.K. Partially because I'm not feeling well today, so when I'm not in the bathroom, I'm laying on the couch,so not much to do but browse COM, and partially because this has been "brushed" in another thread.
I have a "tween" daughter. I had this discussion with my mother and she thought I was crazy. I told her that in between my daughter starting her cycle and her dating, I will be putting her on some form of birth control and continue her education of condoms, STD's, etc... Not only was she shocked that I have already approached my 11 year old daughter with that subject, she was appalled that I would even consider putting my daughter on birth control...wherein giving her "permission" to have sex.

Now...Here is my stand on it.

I had my first 2 children by the time I was 17.
Got pg at 15 delivered at 16, got pg at 16,delivered at 17
(Skip to this for just a second, 14 years ago the docs didn't stress too much about being extra careful when taking antibiotics while taking the pill, so when I went on the pill after I had my first, I got bronchitis that fall..blah blah blah, theres that.)
Anyways. I was not a "bad" kid by anymeans. I will admit that I may not have been as protective of my body as I could have been??? I don't know, I was a victim of abuse so lots of things can be deduced from that. However, After my mother left my extremely abusive father she was working 3 jobs to raise us 3 kids. I was the general caretaker in the family, Doing the majority of the cleaning, and cooking, and keeping up with my school work while helping my brothers with theirs.I was an honor roll student, I participated in several extra curricular activities including 4-H, majorettes, beauty pageants, I cheered, I was in the school choir, I was part of the Spanish Club, the Science Club, Once I got into my freshman year, and in my sophomore year I started working really hard in Chemistry taking my advanced classes working towards a scholarship. I started working at 14. I attended church 3 times a week, and helped with cleaning the church and up keep of the graveyard, that has been a job in my family for a long time.
Well at 14 I started dating a boy considerably older than me. No, My mother didn't approve, but not because I was irresponsible, she didn't like that boy in particular. The more she protested, the more I had to see him, Its very hard to explain as my mom and I have always had a great relationship. She allowed me to continue to see him because I never faltered on any of my responsibilities, was never late on curfew (never allowed out on school nights, and was due in by 8 on weekends unless it was a specific event...until I was 15 then it got later) She talked to me several times about the importance of waiting to have sex, the importance of marriage, and if I decided, then the importance of safe sex.
I told her over and over that we weren't having sex. Not that I wanted to lie to her, but because I didn't want to disappoint her. I didn't want to let her down. I never wanted to hurt her. She was a wonderful mother and did her absolute best. She gave us EVERY opportunity and was NEVER to blame.
I remember very well what it was like to be so young and sure that I am in love. Now, although my husband and I are sure that we won't allow "dating" there is always school functions. There is always that trip to and from school, and being with a group isn't always going to stop teenagers. I am sure though my daughter will be dating at age 16, just because I'm sure I'll give into that, so I don't want to take the chance of something happening. I'm not going to tell her to go out and have sex. I still talk to her about abstaining. But, I know from experience that, that doesn't always do it.

So, what is everyone else's opinion on this?

At what age do you feel it is appropriate for a girl to be on birth control?
Will you bring it up or wait for your daughter to ask for it?

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[deleted account]

Abstinence is a nice idea but, let's face it, the sex drive is one of the strongest imperatives we have, and trying to get a child to use their wits over a primal drive is pretty pie-in-the-sky.

Heather - posted on 06/26/2012

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I would put my daughter (who is five btw) on the pill when she starts her periods, not because I am going to be giving her permission to have sex, but because if she's anything like I am, her periods will be super heavy. My pediatrician put me on birth control when I was twelve because I nearly bled to death every time I had a period. People need to remember that birth control pills do more than help prevent pregnancy. There are very valid, medical, non-pregnancy related reasons to be on the pill.

[deleted account]

I'm with Christina on this one. I think making a girl use the pill at the age of 11 or 12 is ridiculous and to be quite honest irresponsible as a parent to do so. It gives the impression that it's ok to go out and have sex at that age and plus the pill doesn't protect against STDs! I was put on the pill when I was 13 years old to help control my PCOS - I had very irregular, heavy periods. I think for a medical reason such as heavy periods etc. it's acceptable but not just in case they have sex and fall pregnant. I'd teach my children about contraception as my mother did to me but no way would I be handing it to them on a plate.

Amy - posted on 02/23/2010

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I won't even be on the pill. My reasons I will tell her - is it worth blood clots, strokes, DEATH, just so you can play around? It will NOT protect you from diseases and you can still get pregnant while on it anyway. I remember my mom stressing how much more of a huge pain our lives would be if we were unable to fulfill our dreams because we messed up with someone who didn't even love us - the only sign of pure total commitment is actually bEING married - never trust a boy to say, yeah sure, i love you. because we all know boys.... starting from very young - probably before 11, my mom just used life when things came up to explain to us how it was. even with drugs she told us the people she knew who used them and died young or accidentally killed a sibling. TELL them the scary crap that really happens. About being alone and raising a baby. Now, i know my mother really would have helped us if we had gotten pregnant early, but she said she wouldn't. we'd be on our own and better darn well hope that boy follows through. she also told us that sex can really hurt if the person who is doing it doesn't truly care for you - and i'll still buy that because if the man loves you, he cares more about you than himself and his needs. i never asked my mom to get me birth control. i went with my fiance to get it. I was on it and it HURT so bad to have sex when i was on it that i went off of it and we just used condoms or he pulled out - but we were married and already knew one day we wanted kids, so if something happened, it did. no biggie. even now with my daughter being 3 she asks about being pregnant and wants a baby in her belly. Daddy says "you'll have a baby one day when you're all done with school [yay dad!], but you have to find that one man who loves you more than anything and marries you." i dated when i was younger, but honestly, didn't want a thing to do with sex. mom also got us one of those self defense videos because she told us our body was OURS and no one elses. She wanted us to be empowered I think so we wouldn't be bullied or pressured into something. I remember dating a guy and he tried to feel me up and i was kinda disgusted - at 17 - and broke up with him. I had goals, plans. A baby did not fit in them. Guess i don't know my point. sorry it's so long. IF she brings it up, we'll talk about it - no matter what age. I don't think any girl should be on birth control pills- i've read studies and seen things happen to people as side effects. and nothing is guaranteed to stop pregnancy but abstaining. i guess share their hopes and goals and let them know that a baby could really stop those dreams from happening when it's such a young age, but if they just wait.....it will all fit in and they can have it all. SHARE your personal experiences. Ladies look up to moms as role models. If you did something you really regretted - they listen. Let them know you love them and are so glad they are in your life, but that you wish for better for her. They will be less likely to do the same because your values and opinions MATTER!

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[deleted account]

My mom put me on BC when I was 15. I also started having sex at 15. I'm pretty sure in my situation, I would have had sex at 15 reguardless of having been put on BC.. It depends on the child I think.

LaCi - posted on 03/18/2010

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My mother explained sex and everything when I was so young I can't even remember it. My mother told me she wanted to put me on birth control whenever i got to the point that I thought there was even a slim possibility of me having sex, she told me this when I was about 10-11, and to just tell her so she could take me to the doctor. She was always very open with me. I HOPE to have a daughter one day and I'll bring it up early if I do. She didn't have to put me on birth control until I was 16. She also told me if I ever needed condoms to just tell her, while she made it clear she didn't want me to have sex, she made it very clear that she wouldn't be one to judge me for my actions and whichever choices I made she wanted me to be safe. No babies til 23 (younger than I had planned though), no diseases to date. Thanks mom!

Loretta - posted on 02/26/2010

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I started talking to my daughter about sex as soon as she started asking. Of course the answers were age appropriate. I explained to her that if she ever even had a thought about having sex with someone she needed to come to me to be put on bc. I explained to her that they / she would have to wait atleast 30 days for the pill to become fully active.( by then her mind was changed). If they couldn't wait 30 days then he's not worth it. She came to me at 14. I kept my word. It allowed me to know when & who. Which allowed me to change the context of the "SEX" talk into a more adult talk.She has one brother that was conceived on the pill from her father another brother from a condom failure. I have explained to her neither is 100%. She is now 18 and no babies, gettin ready for college. I have sat w/ her & her boyfriend & have explained to the both of them I supply the pill, she takes it, he buys the condom. We are protecting her. It's his responsibility to protect himself. She doesn't know the chain of his sexual history & he doesn't know hers.She has taken sex ed classes provided by a church when she was in middle school. They showed very graphic pictures of STD's and she is informed that even if she were to get pregnant not all babies are born healthy. An abortion is not an option. I wished we lived in a world where people were waiting for marriage. It is my 1st choice of teaching. Some people are born more hormonal, curious, pressured, insecure, or just fall in love. Teenagers are having sex in school, skipping school, on the bus, in your house, at their friends house. There are parents who will allow your daughter to date from their house and cover for them. This is nothing new it was goin on in the 80's when I was in school. Boys love to get their hands on a young girl and take their virginity. If you haven't started your menstual cycle you can't get pregnant. Now if you have anal sex, oral sex, or homosexual sex you can keep your virginity & won't get pregnant. There's always a loop hole & a teenager will find it. Trust me.I'm not just talkin about my daughter's experience, but her friends. I was the mother they came to when they couldn't talk to theirs. Who will your child go to?

[deleted account]

Ok, I don't have a daughter and my son is only 7 and 1/2 months old so maybe my opinion on this will change in the future. I am open to not always having a fixed mindset.

I do find it a bit strange all this talk about putting your daughter on birth control as if it is a choice you will be making for her regardless of whether she is sexually active already. It strikes me as something akin to temporarily sterilising your daughter. That may sound a little harsh, but that is just what comes to mind when reading some of these posts. It reminds me of my teenage cousin who has Down's Syndrome and when her parents enquired at a routine doctors appointment about putting her on birth control, due to the difficulties they were experiencing in explaining sexual health to her. They were told that that particular doctor would not provide this due to the ethical concern regarding the girls ability to provide informed consent to birth control. There was also the issue of unnecessarily medicating her with hormones that could cause potential harm when she was not yet sexually active. They were told to come back when she was sexually active and the doctor would discuss her options with her then.

I certainly hope to god that any parent putting their daughter on birth control will be open and honest with her about their reasons for doing so and will also allow her the opportunity to attend a doctors appointment to discuss the pro's and cons of hormonal birth control on her developing body and the need for other kinds of protection to avoid STI's. Ideally she would be able to attend this appointment alone to allow her an objective space to voice her concerns and knowledge without feeling judged or embarrassed and will also feel as though she is being consulted and involved in this decision.

I went on birth control at 16 when I was already sexually active. Yes, there was a moment in time between becoming sexually active and being on the pill where there was the potential for me to fall pregnant. However, due to an open, honest relationship with my parents and an intelligent, inquiring mind I was well aware of my options and always ensured that my sexual partner used condoms. Thanks to sex ed. and biology classes, I was also well aware by that stage of how the reproductive system functioned. After a discussion with my boyfriend and my mother, my mother booked me an appointment with my doctor during which I chose the oral birth control option as one of my friends had just fallen pregnant due to a broken condom and that was something I was not prepared to risk at my age. I am sure that my mother would have preferred it if I was older when I became sexually active, but I am sure she was glad that I was informed well enough to make sensible decisions for myself and my sexual health.

I guess my point here is that I hope people involve their daughters in any decisions regarding birth control and ensure that she is appropriately armed with all the knowledge she needs to make an informed choice in her options regarding her sexual health. It is possible, as I said; that I may change my stance on this once I have a daughter of my own. This is just what I feel at this moment in time.

Nicole - posted on 02/26/2010

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sharing information with her is not the same as saying "hey- have sex with anyone you want!". who knows when she will become sexually active- you really can't control this as a parent no matter how much you want to or think your religion is going to keep her away from sex. (don't stone me, just being honest). Having an open honest dialog about all contraception options is a good way to go rather than force one on her. One thing that I have noticed is when parents huff and puff about what a deviant and dirty act sex is, the more likely the kid is going to go out and be reckless. The bottom line abstinence only sex ed/ demonization of sex fails.

*Pardon typos/ general grammatical weirdness- NAK a very wiggly toddler*

Kate CP - posted on 02/26/2010

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I had my period at 10 and my mother had been talking to me about my period and sex for year before hand. There's nothing wrong with communicating with your kids about sex and their bodies.

Jocelyn - posted on 02/25/2010

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I think it would totally depend on the child. For instance, my sister was 9 when she got her period and 14 when she started having sex. Our mom took her and put her on the pill. She's now 19 and doesn't have a baby lol. This is a good thing. I was 13 when I got my period and 15 when I started having sex. I was the first child and my mom didn't really know what to expect. And I ended up getting preg at 18 because condoms don't always work lol.
I'm not naive enough to think that my kids will be virgins when they get married, and when they start showing a (greater) interest in the opposite sex, or they are in a long term relationship, then by all means I will be talking with her and if she wants to get on the pill then I will gladly take her. That doesn't mean that I will tell her it's ok to not use condoms now lol. I plan on being very open with my children and I really hope that they are going to feel as tho they can come to me for anything. I agree with Joy; it is definitely better to be safe than sorry.

JL - posted on 02/25/2010

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My parents were very open about talking about sex, STD's and pregnancy. I went on the pill at 16 and I didn't have sex with anyone because of it. I waited because I was not with anyone I wanted to have sex with at 16 and I knew I was not ready. Being on BC did not all of the sudden send out a message to me that I should go out and screw someone.

I didn't get pregnant either until I was 25 years old ,married and I had planned the pregnancy. I was on low dose birth control from age 15 to age 29. I am now 32 and have not been on BC for 3 years and I have not spiraled into a state of depression due to not being on BC or from being on it since my teens.

When my daughter gets around the pre-teen age or if she asks about sex before then no matter how old she is then I will explain in detail what she needs to know. When she is of dating age around 16 or if she starts her period before then and needs help regulating it I will put her on BC and explain to her what my mother explained to me about being responsible and smart when it comes to sex.

I am instilling in my daughter the same strong independent feeling of self worth and spirit of female empowerment my mother and grandmother instilled in me so she will think twice like I did about sex and really question is this boy really worth the risk.

I agree...with the statement hope for the best,and prepare for the worst. Teens are horny and emotional. I would rather be safe then sorry.

Krista - posted on 02/25/2010

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Catherine put it perfectly. Hope for the best, and prepare for the worst. Human beings are biologically built to start wanting to have sex while their in their teens, so to expect them all to suppress that urge is pretty unrealistic.

My mom was the school nurse at our high school, so she definitely had her eyes opened by seeing all of the "good" girls from "good" families who'd come crying at her door because they thought they were pregnant. None of them were on birth control because they were scared their parents would find it. She always spoke with us very openly about sex and contraception, and as soon as we girls started showing signs of being obsessed with boys, she'd ask us periodically if we wanted to go get the pill. So once I had a relatively steady boyfriend, at age 15, I said yes. She was probably disappointed that I didn't wait longer, but never showed it, bless her heart. Instead she brought me to the doctor, got me the pill, and bought me a box of condoms. She also reminded me that I should ALWAYS make the boy wear a condom -- that most teenage boys are so damn delighted to have sex that even if they grumble about condoms, if it comes to a choice between protected sex and no sex, they'll choose protected sex. Remembering that really helped me deal with the occasional bit of pressure from guys who didn't want to wear condoms -- when the girl shrugs and says, "Suit yourself, then -- your pants are over there, and the door's that way," guys tend to find condoms the lesser of two evils! LOL!

Jane - posted on 02/25/2010

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I don't have any girls either but I did start talking to my son about condoms @ 11. Sounds young but when he has girls @ his school that are pregnant I don't think it's to early @ all. He is now 13 & I'm hoping that he'll be able to come to my husband & I to ask ANY questions about sex (& he has so far). I do have condoms in the house & will give him some if I think he's....mmm...how do I say it? Maybe thinking about it or maybe spending to much time with a certain girl. Hopefully I'm aware enough to notice some signs. Whenever sex comes up it's ALWAYS important to discuss everything with your children & to have open communication , if you just forbid it or don't talk about it they're just going to go out & do it with out the knowledge of the situation they can create.

I went on the pill when I was 15 years old behind my mothers back. She never talked about sex except to say not to do it. My best friends mother talked to me about sex because she knew how my mom was & how serious I was about my boyfriend @ the time. My best friends mom is also the one that helped me get the birth control, she didn't want to see me "ruin" my life by having a baby so young (that's her words). I'd rather have open communication with my daughter if I had one then going behind my back & finding a different way of getting any kind of birth control.

[deleted account]

Abstinence is ideally what all parents want for their kids but its not always what the kids want for themselves.

Heather - posted on 02/25/2010

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haha my mom gave me a book about sex when i was about 12. l had already learned about that stuff in school so i didn't read it.
i abstained from sex until i was married. 1 for religious reasons 2 for my own.
push abstinence if you can. it really the only 100% safe way, but also make sure your daughter has the sense to use condoms if she is going to do it anyway.

and please do not get your daughters the garadisil vaccine. it's poision!!!

[deleted account]

Well i dont have daughters but i have three sons ive spoken to the oldest two about sex, pregnancies and stds. I am fully intending to make condoms available to my sons as soon as i see any interest in girls at all. Im expecting that to be around the 13 mark. People might think im jumping the gun a bit but my husband lost his virginity when he was that age as did most of his friends, same with my brother and most of his friends. I'd rather give my son the information and opportunity to protect himself from stds and early fatherhood than preach abstinence at a kid who isnt going to take a blind bit of notice anyway.

[deleted account]

Hey, I lost my virginity at 20, even though I went on the pill at 16 because I was crazy about a guy and wanted to 'give it up' to him (he was a lot older and thank God he turned me down because I was too young).
You're ready when you're ready, and just because your mom had you early doesn't mean you're going to be even remotely interested in sex when expected.
But I don't think 11 is too early to talk about it. If you're old enough to ask, you're old enough to know.

[deleted account]

I’m not a doctor, but I know that there is a huge difference between the girls who had parents that were open to discussing sexual health with their daughters and the parents who didn’t. The ones who learned healthy sexual habits—including using birth control and practicing safe sex—are the ones who have escaped STDs and unwanted pregnancies. Those of us who were taught the “abstinence-only” approach have had to learn about sex the hard way, and many of us have suffered the consequences.

So, how young is too young for birth control? There is no medical answer. Some organizations have information on contraceptive pills available that is teen specific and outline a variety of benefits that adolescents can reap from birth control that go beyond pregnancy prevention.

It comes down to a purely parental decision, but what parents must keep in mind is that realistic education is best for their daughters. Keeping open lines of communication and being honest can save your daughters from negative effects that last a lifetime.

Shelby - posted on 02/24/2010

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O.K.
1) I don't believe that anyone on this thread has even came close to saying they would even allow their 11/12 year old daughter in a position where she would be alone with a boy long enough to even perform a sexual act much less "MAKE" her take the pill at that age

2)No one believes that BC protects against STD's Thats why on both sides of the debate we all agree that teaching the child about abstaining/information about sex, birthcontrol, AND protection against STDs.

3)"but not just in case they have sex and fall pregnant" I personally thought this was the whole reason birth control was ever even invented.

Shelby - posted on 02/24/2010

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I don't believe that anyone is saying that if you forgo BC, and the talks that you definitely end up with a pregnant teen. I know thats not what I'm saying. No, not all girls do go out and have sex, However not all girls wait either. Not all "bad" girls have sex..And likewise, Not all "good" girls wait. Thats just the truth of the matter. Somewhere along the line we all make our own decision, whether or not its the right one, we sometimes don't know until well into the future. Sometimes we learn the hard way. Either way it goes, I want my daughter safe at all costs. I can talk til I'm blue in the face but in the end, she will be the one making her own decisions. I can't be with her 24/7 and hold her zipper shut. God knows that I wish I could. I will make it very clear that my expectations and wishes for her are this, That she wait to have sex, that the moment she feels like she wants to, from experience I can tell her all kinds of things. Yet a person's feelings are very real. Its very hard to make them believe that what they are feeling is wrong. Of course I'll do everything in my power to make her see the benefits in waiting, Of course I'll show her and tell her about everything available to her if she avoids sex because of the chance of getting pregnant, contracting an STD, etc...However, My thoughts on this are still that in case things don't go my way because in almost 16 years I've seen that so many things don't, Then maybe I can at least still give her the shot of following through with some of her dreams. Losing her virginity doesn't have to mean losing out on her life.
And in my case, It would be very hard to sit here in front of my oldest 2 boys and give the "you'll regret it" speech...So that isn't going to work for us personally, We have to come up with other ways and this is the way we have decided will be best for all involved. No one said anything about throwing her a condom, and a box of BC pills and sending her on her way. To me, thats all worthless without education.

Christine - posted on 02/24/2010

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My SD is 15 and we talk about waiting and birth control. She isn't interested in anyone, I don't have boys calling, texting or FBing so I keep up the don't do it but talk. She has plans for her life; college, playing volleyball..... She knows the difficulty of small kids on a life having 3 younger siblings (10 - 14 yrs younger) and knows that isn't what she wants anytime soon. She also sees what a boyfriend can do to friendships and her girlfriends are much more important to her right now than some clingy demanding boy. She also knows that I Love are words and that loving someone doesn't mean you have to have sex to prove it. If she were 11 and boy crazy, I would be on top of her comings and goings just as I am at 15, I wouldn't be putting her on the pill 'just in case'. My SD tells me about the girls that get talked about for being easy or just the presumption of it and she wants no part of that type of popularity. Even the best girls make errors in judgment but I think the more you talk, the more confidence she has in herself and the more she is involved with;church, sports or other activities the less likely she is to be bored and searching for something 'fun' to do. We have already issued the no boys in rooms with doors rule. All I can hope is she will continue to talk to me and when the time comes she will see me before the deed rather than after.

Jackie - posted on 02/24/2010

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I can def. see both sides of this debate for sure. But I don't agree that if you don't put them on BC and don't advocate safe sex that you get a pregnant teen. As I stated, I never had "the talk", of course i could have asked questions if I Had them...I just never had any. I wasn't on BC until 19...and didn't have sex until 20. And I wasn't my only friend that didn't have sex until well after high school. Yes of course I had friends that did...but my point is simply that not all girls run out and have sex at a young age. I knew the risks and I knew they weren't worth it, so I waited. I am more for whoever made the comment of don't shelter your daughter from all the horrible stuff that can happen...thats what you need to let them see and hear. They already know about sex, like I said I could have asked questions but didn't have any. I find more girls who have heard about it think "oh well im on BC so I'm safe"...not saying the parents are telling them that specifically, but they are getting the impression that any kind of contraception does make it "ok and safe".

Lady - posted on 02/24/2010

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My 11 year old son already knows all about sex and contraception, he's done it at school and we've talked to him about it too. My 9 year old daughter knows all about periods and puberty and we'll make sure she knows about sex before getting it at school. I'd rather she heard it from me. I think it's very important to be open and honest with your kids. I think they should feel like they can ask you anything and come to you when they need help. Thankfully we seemed to have managed this with my kids. I think I may have told this story on here before but will tell it again anyway - after having sex ed at school I told my son if he still had any questions he could ask me or his dad whatever he wanted - he then straight away asked me if it was true that women sometimes sucked a man's penis - I told him yes it was true, it was just another way of having sex. He then asked me if I had ever done it - needless to say I was a little shocked but tried my best not to look it or be embarassed and simply told him that wasn't really a question he should ask people - it was quite a private thing. He didn't seem to mind this answer and it hasn't stopped him asking more questions in the future - thankfully none quite as personal though!

Sarah - posted on 02/24/2010

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Well, i went on the pill at 15. It was for 2 reasons really. The first was that i suffered AWFUL period pains, i was literally sent home from school every month they were so bad. The 2nd was that i had my first "serious" boyfriend. I guess my mum thought that 15 was about right.
I didn't have sex until i was 16 and half though. Just because i was the pill, i didn't see that as a licence to go out and have sex.

I hope that when the situation arises with my own daughters that we can hit a happy medium. I don't think you can just stick them on the pill and hope for the best lol!!
There's going to be lot's of conversations and advice etc.

It's a tricky one, it all depends on the individual child i think. :)

[deleted account]

My parents never talked to me about sex... ever. At least that I can remember... my memory sucks. I didn't have sex til I was 23 and it was w/ my soon to be husband. I knew it was something that was supposed to be saved for marriage and that was my intention my entire life... didn't quite happen that way, but it was pretty close.

I'm not adding too much more since my brain still isn't functioning, but I have no intention of putting my girls on any type of hormonal birth control 'just in case'.

Amber - posted on 02/23/2010

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after talking to my husband we have decied that we agree with you. We will be putting our daughter on BC when she starts her "monthly gift". It will be Implanon that way she cant miss it. I was a teen mom due to problems with my pill. We also plan on educating her about the consequences of being sexually active and how it could potentualy ruin her life with STD's and such. We also plan on keeping condoms in the bathroom. We plan on making our view clear about sex, it is sacret and is something that you should only share with your husband, but if she is going to do it we want her to be protected and informed. That way she can make the most educated disicion when we are not there. We just pray that she is safe.

[deleted account]

I think it is very responsible on your part...I wish more moms would see that either on birth control or not teen girls have sex getting on the pill does not give them the mindset that "oh yes I can finally have sex, thanks mom!!!!!"...there is so much peer pressure to have sex so they do...and I think it is one of the most responsible things a parent can do for their daughter as far as their sexual health is concerned. My daughter will be on birth control as soon as she starts her cycle...in like 12 years haha...but I already know it is going to happen...it is hard enough growing up as a teenager these days without toting around a child too...I want my daughter to stay young and enjoy her childhood as long as possible...I know that many parents are faced with a tough decision, especially when religion plays a part, about whether or not to allow their teenage daughters to get a prescription for contraceptive pills. And these parents ask themselves the same question mine did: “How young is too young?”

I’m not a doctor, but I know that there is a huge difference between the girls who had parents that were open to discussing sexual health with their daughters and the parents who didn’t. The ones who learned healthy sexual habits—including using birth control and practicing safe sex—are the ones who have escaped STDs and unwanted pregnancies. Those of us who were taught the “abstinence-only” approach have had to learn about sex the hard way, and many of us have suffered the consequences.

So, how young is too young for birth control? There is no medical answer. Some organizations have information on contraceptive pills available that is teen specific and outline a variety of benefits that adolescents can reap from birth control that go beyond pregnancy prevention.

It comes down to a purely parental decision, but what parents must keep in mind is that realistic education is best for their daughters. Keeping open lines of communication and being honest can save your daughters from negative effects that last a lifetime.

Amanda - posted on 02/23/2010

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I was brought up with a mother who always said that if we had any questions about sex (or anything for that matter) we could always go to her and talk to her. They started talking to us about periods and things like that when I was in 5th or 6th grade if I remember correctly. And of course I had questions that I was able to ask her. I think I was in 7th grade when I asked my first "sex" question b/c of a movie that they showed at school. It wasnt an educational movie either. It was one of the Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventures movies haha. I think I was about 12 or 13 when I asked that sex question, so I use that as an example that more and more kids at younger ages are being exposed to sex. It may not be the actual physical form of sex but it could be overhearing something and just have questions about it. I have a daughter but she is only 5 months old. However, I want to have the same relationship with her as I had with my mom. I want her to be comfortable with me and ask my anything.

Shelby, due to your personal experiences, if you want to talk to your daughter about birth control and sex at 11, more power to you. We live in an age where you cant protect your kids forever and unfortunately they are learning about sex earlier and earlier. My sister was on BC for a few years when she was like 11 or 12 b/c her periods were BAD. She didnt end up having sex for the first time until many years later and didnt have her first child until she was 23. Just b/c she was on BC didnt mean that she was given the impression that it was ok to go out and have sex. I feel that because of my moms openness about sex and things of that nature, it helped me to be comfortable with myself and not want to experience sex at such an early age. I kinda have the view that I would rather my kids learn about this stuff at home then out with their friends. I am also for the HPV vaccine. I have heard many people say they dont like it b/c they feel that is just telling young girls its ok to go out and have sex b/c they are immune to cervical cancer, but I dont feel that way. I know that it doesnt guard against all forms of cervical cancer; however, I will take any little cancer prevention that we can get. I have had a grandmother and mother in law die from cancer (not cervical) and its not pretty. I have also had abnormal pap's myself and it is SCARY. I would like to try to prevent my daughter from going thru that as much as possible. When that time comes, I will definately inform all my kids about STD's and BC and sex and things like that b/c its my responsibility to take care of my kids and I feel the only way to do that is through knowledge. If they choose to not listen and do what they want (as many teens do) then I will atleast know that I did all that I could to try to protect them.

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Not quite sure how I can say this and have it make sense (though it makes sense in my head). I will be teaching abstinence til marriage, but arm my kids w/ the info about pregnancy, stds, and protection. I won't put my kids on birth control just because they 'might' have sex. Love isn't everything and sex w/out commitment is not a good idea. Obviously marriage isn't a guarantee (since I'm divorced), but it's really the best we can hope for since we can't control what others do.

Of course, w/ how 'love starved' my girls already are for male attention..... I figure we're pretty much screwed from the start. NOT that I would ever let on to them though.

You know what? Never mind all my rambling. My brain isn't functioning this morning. I think I'll just go lock my 8 year olds in a bubble for the next 10-15 years... ;)

Shelby - posted on 02/23/2010

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I can honestly say too that I LOVED the boy that got me pregnant at 15. Although, looking back I was oblivious to the fact that he obviously didn't love me back because he was cheating on me with at least 12 different girls (thats the ones that I know of) But I loved him, with everything that I had. But, no one could have told me then that we wasn't going to be together forever. No one. I was seriously in love. He was really my everything.



We were together for just over 2 years.

Rosie - posted on 02/23/2010

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i see your point sharon, but i can truly say that i love him. it may not be the case for majority, but i know i love him. when we were 19 we decided to end it, because i thought i needed more experiences other than just him. i have definitely loved somone i wasn't married to, and i know plenty of other women who feel that way as well. just because you love someone doesn't necessarily mean that they would make a good life partner, you may have different ambitions, different feelings on certain subjects-like howmany kids to have, parenting syles etc. and what about people like jenny who aren't married and choose to be that way. does she not love her man because she's not married?

Shelby - posted on 02/23/2010

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Obviously well my mom, was devastated...Since the highlights of my dad's day consisted of coming home and having me call my mother so she could listen to him beat us with a broom handle or something else while she was at work...He wasn't even in my life until I had my daughter at 21. But I had a very promising future and none of that came to pass, but my mother was my rock. Offered me the world and all it entailed. Offered to raise my boys so I could continue on, offered me to stay with her...Anything she could do to help. I was the one that refused...After the second though. I felt really pressured by my family to get married, although number 2 was an even bigger "oh shit" moment because I was actually on the pill with that one. But I got married which ended in total disaster. But to make a long story short She is very proud of me for being responsible for my own doings. Basically I made my bed, and I laid in it. She is proud of the work I put in, and the mother that I became.

Rosie - posted on 02/23/2010

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i know jackie!!! i even have a neighbor whose 24 year old son has 5 different babies by 5 different women!! alot of them were pregnant at the same time! at least with a girl she can only be pregnant once for 9 months! i obviously know that there was some bad parenting involved in that situation, but come on, it scares the living hell out of me!

Sharon - posted on 02/23/2010

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Amy - I LOVE this explanation!

Quote: I remember my mom stressing how much more of a huge pain our lives would be if we were unable to fulfill our dreams because we messed up with someone who didn't even love us - the only sign of pure total commitment is actually bEING married - never trust a boy to say, yeah sure, i love you. because we all know boys.. : End Quote



Its so true and so many of us know it deep down, but we hope for the "more" but doing the physical and it just virtually never pans out.... If it were love - all those having sex as teens would be married to their 'love' right?

Jenny - posted on 02/23/2010

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I'm with you Shelby. My 7 year old knows more about making and not making babies than most teenagers but is properly informed. It is not giving permission, it is giving information. I will also emphasize abstinance as an option as we get into more detailed information. I want a lifetime with my daughter of openess on every subject. I want her to never be afraid to come to me for anything and she knows I will always give her an honest answer. I lost my viriginity at 12 so I know sex is happening younger than parents want to think it is.

I agree with you on the hormones issue too Gillian. It did not affect me to my knowledge but it makes me very uneasy to be messing around with that stuff. I got pregnant while on the pill with my first. A non-hormonal IUD was a much better choice for me and lasted for 5 years.

Melissa - posted on 02/23/2010

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Well i probably wouldn't bring it up to my children unless they ask. I dont remember even thinking about sex at 11, i just think it would be too much for an 11 year old to handle thinking of, let her be a kid. In fact i never thought of sex until i was 15. If she came to you thats different cuz then its obviously been brought to her somewhere. How did your parents feel about you having 2 kids by 17?

Sara - posted on 02/23/2010

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I was thinking birth control when they start dating too. I want my daughter to be responsible, so hopefully she'll wait to have sex, but if she does chose to do it, I do not want her to get pregnant or get an STD. I figure she's going to do it whether I tell her it's ok or not, the same with drugs and drinking. I don't think educating them is saying it's ok, it's the responsible thing to do. I will definitely be initiating the sex talk early and often.

Shelby - posted on 02/23/2010

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I'll explain why I've done it...With my boys, I had to. My 2nd oldest was 12, so my oldest was 13 when I heard him talking about the girl down the street making him "horny" when she flashed them. After I marched down the street to have a talk with this 11 year old girl's mother, I had a talk with my son, and much to my surprise I was already way too late. Unfortunately now a days we aren't afforded the amount of time I thought I had. When I asked what he "thought" he knew about being horny I got the "What Mom are you dumb" look, and proceeded to be hit with a on pour of the whole, you know mom, then words like, penis, erection, tingle, sex starts coming at me, so it all went from there. But as I've stated in another post I'm very hard nosed, so I take it a step further and when I asked them about STD's they knew about AIDS, Nothing else mattered to them. Of course they all watch T.V. and see the herpes couple swinging on swings, and walking through tall meadows, so me, being who I am. Googled herpes but pulled up images. We spent an entire day on sex, pregnancy, and STD's.
With my daughter I didn't want to wait until she knew more than me. And when there is songs on the radio saying "I wanna take a ride on your disco stick" We really don't have a choice. I PRAY she is not like her mother. I PRAY that she waits, But if she doesn't I know first hand what can happen. Since we are a pro-life family our only option is prevention.

C. - posted on 02/23/2010

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Personally, I think if you just go out and hand your daughter birth control it's like giving her your approval that she go out and have sex, no matter what her age. Now, if she is, say, 17 or 18.. That's different. But as young as, say, 13. Hell to the f'ing no.



If I ever have a daughter, I will talk to her about sex, STDs, condoms and various other forms of birth control, but I sure as hell am not going to just hand it to her just b/c.

Charlene - posted on 02/23/2010

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Everything I knew about sex, std's, birth control etc. when I was in my teens came from everywhere EXCEPT my mother. I knew all about a woman's menstrual cycle, how babies are conceived, Std's by nine because I had read about it in a medical dictionary. (I was a nerdlinger. :P)



I learned about condoms and other forms of birth control in Sex. Ed at school.

My mom not talking to me about that stuff is a huge reason why I think that schools need to be able to teach about Birth control and Safe Sex and not be forced to talk ONLY about abstinence. A lot of kids parents DON'T talk to them about things like this and are completely ignorant about the risks of unprotected sex because they were never taught about std's or taught about birth control. I don't see it as giving them permission to have sex, I see it as arming them with the proper knowledge to make good decisions if they so choose to go ahead and do the deed. It needs to be a fair balance, I think.

Jackie - posted on 02/23/2010

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LOL, I must say Kati I think I prefer the girl in this situation. While I may be against the idea in theory, if I had a girl who insisted on having sex way to early...at least there's something I could do to prevent a pregnancy by getting her on BC...with a boy you clearly can't follow them around to make sure they use the contraception =) And according to my husband "I know what was going through my mind at that age"....he is NOT looking forward to our daughter being a teenager. Good luck!

Rosie - posted on 02/23/2010

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i would have to agree with you shelby. my sister in law was put on birth control when she started her period. my MIL got pregnant with my husband when she was 16, got married and then divorced when chad was an infant. i do not believe there is any harm in talking to an 11 year old about your plans, or even putting an 11 year old on birth control if she's started her cycle. i have 3 boys so i obviously can't put them on birthcontrol, but i will be talking with my oldest (he's 10) within the next year about how we feel on this subject.
i started having sex when i was 14, and (some of you might scoth at this, but it is MY life and my feelings) i still don't believe i chose to do anything wrong (i'm 31 now). we waited for almost a year before we had sex, and i was with him for 5 years. and to this day i KNOW i loved him. i still do love him, i'm just not in love with him. he will always be a special part of my life. i have a sister that is 2 years older than me and she got pregnant at 16. i still chose to have sex, there was no stopping me. so i had my mothers wisdom taught to me about abstaining, and then i also had the lesson of my sister getting pregnant, still i felt what we were doing wasnt wrong. my mother found out and put me on the pill. best thing she ever did, or i most likely would've been pregnant by 16.
ultimately i think it's the best decision to talk to them about abstinance, and contraception. and to make sure, because i know how i was, i would def. put my hypothetical daughter on birthcontrol. now, what to do with my sons?!! i wish there was birthcontrol for men, not just condoms.

Lady - posted on 02/23/2010

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I don't want my daughters to go on birth control until they is at least in her twenties - I have big problems with teenagers on the pill and I'll tell you why.
The pill contains artifical hormons, young girls bodies are growing and developing constantly and their hormon levels are changing all the time. Their bodies are trying to figure out the correct hormon levels to help them develope and by putting in a wholle load of false ones you are only going to confuse that procces.
I went on the pill when I was 15 - big mistake. now I can't take any form or birth control with out spiraling into a huge pit of depression - my sister is the same and went on the pill at 16. I realise that we do have a family history of depression but when I'm not on the pill I'm absolutely fine. There is a huge rise in people suffering from depression and large rise in teens on birth control to me there is deffinatley a link. So I will tell my daughters to use condoms until such times as we feel their hormons have found their correct level and with all the diseases about I'd rather they condoms to protect themselves as well.

Sharon - posted on 02/23/2010

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OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! crap - how'd I get that impression?



OK I reread it and now I understand how I got that idea.... lol



good to know!

Jackie - posted on 02/23/2010

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I dont' know where I stand on this b/c my mom never talked to me about it, it was just understood basically. I didn't go on birth control until I was 19, and I didn't have sex until I was almost 20 years old...b/c I didn't want to get pregnant. I dont' know, I guess I just "got it", I knew it was dangerous, and why take the chance of screwing up my entire life, so I waited, even when given the opportunity....and I hope and pray my daughter will be like me.

I think not at 11 for sure. At the absolute very earliest it would be when she started dating/allowed to be alone with boys....we haven't set that age yet, but I can't imagine it will be pre-high school. I am very against "condoning" sex for younger kids....I don't believe it is healthy in any way. I know IF they are going to do it you want them to be safe...but i still dont' think its ok to say "just make sure you're safe if you have sex".

I know this is a topic that is dammed if you do, dammed if you don't. You don't want to give the impression you are "ok'ing" sex (at least I don't), but if you wait to long and are wrong about your daughters judgement, then you are all up a creek. I think alot of it will be determined more after I see what type of person my daughter develops into.

Shelby - posted on 02/23/2010

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No NO NO, My daughter is not on it now...Oh NO, She hasn't started her cycle yet either... I'm saying somewhere between her starting her cycle and starting dating... My mom was just appalled that I have even talked to my daughter about sex, birth control, STDs, and pregnancy by this age.

Sharon - posted on 02/23/2010

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Not at 11. I also don't think they should be 'dating' at 11 either.



I was thinking of birth control when they start dating. I wasn't allowed to date until I was 16. I wasn't allowed to wear anything but the barest of make up at 15. At 17 I was allowed to wear base, blusher etc and I was allowed to go on a relatively unchaperoned date.



In the instance of BC alleviating some of those monthly discomforts, I'd be willing to start earlier, I'm not sure I'd call it birth control, maybe a hormonal supplement. I wouldn't lie to her but since she wouldn't be using it ( oh,... say at age 12) as birth control, that isn't what it is exactly. Kwim?

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