Anniversary

Rachael - posted on 02/07/2009 ( 2 moms have responded )

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It is 3 days away from the 8th anniversary of my mom's death (February 10). I think this year the day will be better. I still allow myself one day to lock myself in the bathroom read notes, look at pictures and cards and cry until my head hurts....but I think the greif has subsided enough to start to rejoice in the memories I have of her and laugh more than cry! I still dread February though brings back a lot of bad memories also.



I think this next summer I am going to take my kids for the first time to visit her graveside unfortunately we moved and now live out of state (from where she was burried).



How does everyone else involve their kids' in remembering their parents? My son is two and didn't ever meet her but we talk about her a lot and show him pictures. Just curious how you keep the memories alive?

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Rachael - posted on 02/07/2009

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Thanks, I appreciate your post...actually I can relate to you about the April 15/tax season....My mom's birthday is April 15!

Debbie - posted on 02/07/2009

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Rachael,

Ironically, my mom's birthday and passing date are about 6 months apart. So, like you, I take 2 days a year to remember her and mourn: October 7 when she was born and April 15 when she died. The year she died, I actually worked in a CPA firm, and don't you know - the end of tax season is April 15! Every year I HATE the reminders that our tax filing deadline is approaching!



If you always share stories with your children from when YOU were a child (pictures and videos are great too), that helps a lot. It will help you heal more also. My best friend tells her daughter a story every night at bedtime about something from her childhood and makes sure to include information about her mom in the story. Recently, she's begun to write them down also so she doesn't have any "re-runs". :)



I can tell you from experience, though, it is difficult to make your mom see "real" to your children, no matter how hard you try. My dad's mother died of cancer before I was born - her death is actually the reason I was conceived. All my life, I had always heard stories about my grandmother, but never really felt like I knew her. (She died at 42 of ovarian cancer). I will never forget when my mother died at 44 of a heart attack, I cried to my father that "this isn't possible - she's too young!" and his response to me was simply: "That's what I said when my mother died".



At that moment, I realized that my "grandmother" was REAL! She was not like George Washington, or Abe Lincoln or people that we hear about in name and don't really "know". She WAS a real living, breathing, loving woman with a son who became my father. I listened to stories about her MUCH differently after that day, I can tell you.



I've also come to realize that "keeping my mother alive" to my children is a myth - I'm not doing that for them, I did it for me - and for her. Unfortunately, that is the difference between "ancestors" and "grandparents" - the first ones you know in name and connection, the second ones you know in your memories and your heart. It was a tough reality for me (my mother never got to even see my 2 daughters) that to my kids, my mom was just an "ancestor" - thankfully, their other grandmother was around and has also remembered my mother in stories to my children, which made me feel wonderful. I don't say this to sound depressing, I just wanted to share my experiences. If you relate your stories to your kids from "when I was young, I did x to/with my mom..." then they will enjoy those stories, but in some ways, they're still more "real" to you..... Here's to many tissues on the 10th...

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