My stepdaughter does not like me

Caitlin - posted on 08/24/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I am a soon to be stepmom of an 8 yr old girl. I have been in her life now for 3 years and I thought we had a wonderful relationship, until yesterday when I found out that she actuall yhates me and has never liked me. She has been acting out lately and she blames it on me. She still wants her mom and dad to get back together even after they continue to tell her that will never happen. I am completely heartbroken and don't know what to do.Does anyone have any advice?

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Girlio - posted on 08/25/2009

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My 8 year old SD has started this recently. She used to be lovey dovey huggy kissy with me, and was my mini me! Then this past weekend she doesn't want any hugs or kisses won't say I love you, won't call me mom (she had asked about a month ago and started calling me mom on occasion). I know this is heartbreaking! THANK YOU! I now know I am not alone, and not the "Evil Step Mom". I am sorry you have to go through this but am glad there is someone else going through the same thing so that we don't have to go it alone.



I THINK (my perception/perspective only as she won't tell me whats going on at all) is that my daughter is a giver/nurturer/carer she likes to take care of people and situations. I think that she is behaving like a mom, that she feels the need to "babysit" mom (BM) to take care of her, nurture her. I also think that the BM has maybe said something to my daughter about me not being mom so now my daughter feels that she is betraying her mother, going against her mother, taking "my side" (as if there were sides) by showing affection or loving me.



I also think that it has to do with rules at our house. The BM has none what so ever, no chores, no bed times, no anything - heck she doesn't even FEED the kids! But when the little ones are at our house, they have a bed time, they have chores, meals are a family thing at the table and yes table manners are expected. So I think that she is confused and thinks I am being mean (and she can go right ahead and keep thinking that, because I know that one day when she is old enough she will see it differently).



The other reason I think this is happening in our house is because the BM's BF moved out while they were all out of the house and moved across the country. I sense the children feel a bit abandoned (doesn't help that BM told them it was their fault) and are scared that I too will go one day. My daughter is very much a daddy's little girl and I think that she is slightly jealous of Daddy's and I's adult relationship and doesn't understand the different relationship at all (I have tried to explain the difference).



In your case, I am assuming that your wedding is soon approaching? Could it be that she has finally realized in her own little head that mom and dad won't ever get back together if you really do get married? And that getting married means that daddy loves another girl (also not understanding the adult relationship and the difference between the love daddy has for you and her).



How I am handling my situation? I have decided that I may be heartbroken, but she may have far deeper feelings that maybe she doesn't even understand, and if I am hurting this bad, I can't imagine how much a little girl that doesn't know how to express her feelings may be feeling. This isn't about me, it is about 2 wonderful loving smart caring treasures that need stability in their life. I have chosen to put the heartache aside and love them more, love them deeper, and show them more and tell them more how I feel about them. If she hates me, I will let her go on hating me - I remember telling my own mother on more than 1 occasion how much I hated her, I think its a kid thing, a phase and that she can "hate" me (even though I don't truly believe it's hate I think its a manipulation tactic) because she knows that I will still love her unconditionally, as my own mother did me.

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Melissa - posted on 09/24/2010

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Notice how Biological mother has the same initials as Bal Movement. BM. they both go hand in hand. Dealing with Ex's is a nightmare.

Leona - posted on 10/09/2009

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I have raised two stepdaughters with my last husband and I learned alot. They really dont hate you but they act like they do because they are mad at their real parents. You are the newer "kid on the block" so you get all of the hassel. I have gotten remarried now and have another stepdaughter who is 5. We went through alittle bit of the shes not my mom thing but the number one thing is, dont back down to them. When they see that you are there to stay and your gonna love them wether they like it or not they will totally give in. DO NOT let them know that they have hurt you. They are trying to break your heart due to their heart being broken by thier mom and dad. Bottom line is when the actual parents upset the child the child tries to upset the stepparent. Its more or less for attention so give positive attention. Give hugs or if they arent ready for that compliment their hair or something. Start off small and go from there slowly. Good luck and dont expect too much from them they are kids with rollercoaster emotions.

Caitlin - posted on 09/01/2009

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Thats great that she is giving you love again, especially in front of her mom. Mine never says a word to me in front of her mom. There is no progress yet. I didn't see her on her week day visit because she just wanted to spend time with her dad and last weekend was not her weekend with us, so this weekend will be the first time i see her since our incident. I am going to do my best to act like i always do but it is going to be hard since she outright says now that she does not want to see me.



I may not be the best at advice about divorce. I was always a daddy's girl but every time i was with him I was always homesick and I mean I would actually get sick. I could never understand why because i loved my dad so much and wanted to be with him but it happened every time. It is a confusing time but you need to talk about it. My father did get remarried but my stepmom was always mean. That is one reason why i make it a point to be nice and loving because I don't want the title Evil stepmom either. I think you are doing a great job. Keep up the good work. Keep me posted

Girlio - posted on 09/01/2009

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How are things going? Any progress? I have decided that I am just going to love these kids more and more! I am going to do an activity with my daughter, just the 2 girls and see if I can't show her how important she is to me. Then I am going to spend one on one time with our son doing an activity so he too can see how much I love him. I am going to halk to dad and see if he can talk with our daughter and find out what she is feeling, or why. This past weekend we didn't get the kids, but she came to town so we did get to see them and have a quick visit. I don't get out of the car cuz I don't want to antagonize their mother. BUT our daughter came and got in the car with me and chatted to me told me she loved me, wanted me to come for dinner with them and did kiss me, right in front of her mom! I think this little girl is SO confused!!



As a child of divorce, can you shed some light on what these little girls might be feeling? My parents are going on 40 years of marriage and there are no divorces at all in my whole entire family! This whole step parent/blended family thing is brand new to me and the whole family. Any advice that you have would be great!

Caitlin - posted on 08/25/2009

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Thank you so much meg for responding. I actuallythink we may be talking about the same girl. Your situation is the exact same as mine including all the thing about the BM and all the discipline she gets with us andnot her BM.



It doen't help that I know forafact that her BM talks trash about me,and tries as hardas she can to keep her away from my family by saying bad things.



I know she is going through a whole lot and doesn't understand things ( I was a child of divorce at the same age and my father remarried) I have triedin the past to talk to her about it but she wants nothing to do with it anymore. I know I have to put it all past me but I am just so crushed and it doesn't help that she is starting to take it out on her 11 month old Step sister who she adored.



Thank youso much and I would reallyl ike to keep in touch since we have so much in common with this

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