Keri - posted on 02/01/2010 ( 2 moms have responded )
Hi ladies. I have been away for a while. These past few months have been the worst months of my life and I really could use prayers. I have found it really hard to know who to talk to in church. I have been hurt in the past by trusting the wrong people. I sometimes feel like pastor's and wives are looked down upon for having struggles and moments when you question God and his ways.
You see, I have two boys, ages 6 and 3. I lost our third when I was only about 6 weeks pregnant. Last year we found out I was pregnant again and we were having another boy. This was a difficult pregnancy unlike the others. At about 25 weeks I found out I had pre-eclampsia and was put on bed rest. It wasn't fun but I kept telling myself it would all be worth it in the end. After about 2 weeks of this, I was put in the hospital and then transferred to UAMS in Little Rock. They kept watching my health and trying to keep me safe as long as possible to give our baby, Josiah more time to grow. We knew he would be early but wanted to give him as much time as possible. Unfortunately, we waited too long. My placenta tore and caused me to be in the worst pain I have ever felt. Then we found out what had happened and that our baby boy didn't make it. During this time, I nearly didn't make it myself. It was a terrible time. Considering everything that happened, I feel like my husband and I handled it well. I mean, we cried and cried A LOT but I feel like we did well as to not question or blame God. We immediately saw so many good things that happened as a result. My husband and I are so much closer now and I feel like we are better spouses and parents. I feel like we will be better equipped for this job because we will be more sympathetic to people who are hurting.
I had a friend that had strayed away from God and her Christian friends. Because of this, she has come back to God, church and we are now best friends again.
Before all of this happened, my husband and I were about ready to leave this church. We felt so unloved. We felt like no one cared. When I was sent to Little Rock the church told my husband to go take care of me as long as he needed to and they would continue to take care of us. Not only did they continue to pay him, they gave him money to help out and took up a love offering. The night that we found out we lost our son, the church held a prayer service for us. When we came home and had his funeral, so many people were there for us. We felt so much love and our hearts were changed about the church. We were so sad that it took our son's death to bring all of this about but thankful to our son for touching so many lives.
Well, it's been a few weeks now and I am starting to feel lonely again. Everyone has moved on. I don't expect them to put their lives on hold for us but we are still hurting and need people to help us through this. The first little while after being home, we had family here and I knew once they left that it would be hard. I was really hoping that our church would step up to help feel their shoes but was disappointed. Maybe I am just expecting too much. I just don't think people realize how lonely this job can be some times. I also think people think we are tough and don't have the same sort of struggles as they do. I guess I am just asking for prayers to help my husband and I get through this time, whether the church is there for us or not. Also, I am supposed to be getting my tubes tied this Friday and am scared I am making the wrong decision. We both wanted more kids but I am so afraid to get pregnant again. I don't think I can do all of this again. My husband is telling me to go ahead and do it but I feel like he doesn't want me to. I really need clarity and peace about this. I need prayers that I make the right decision. I am sorry this is so long. I guess I really needed to open up to someone about all of this. Thank you for listening and for your prayers.