Looking for advice for my daughter-in-law

Laura - posted on 02/03/2010

I know this is very late, but I figured I'd put my two cents in anyways.
She should be supportive of whatever (within reason) her husband wants to do, and since she knew prior to getting married what his career plans were, she should've made the decision before getting married. My husband is a State Trooper, and when our son was only 4 months old, he had to move 3 hours to live on campus at the State Police Academy. It was extremely difficult for us being apart, newlyweds AND new parents, but we stuck it out and I couldn't be more proud of him. He was also assigned to a troop 2 1/2 hours from our family, so I knew no one, but like I said, I respect what he does so much and I'll always support him.
She needs to REALLY think about his job - how reputable and admirable what he does is, and she needs to also consider how STRESSFUL his career is. He doesn't need the added stress of her negativity and nonexistant support. I bet he'd support her in whatever she decided to do, so she either needs to follow what she said in her vows and love and support him, or hit the road (in my opinion).

Angela - posted on 01/11/2010

Wow, that is tough. It seems like she didn't really have a strog understanding of what his job would entail when he started in the field. No one said it would be easy. The hours are rough, the shifts are long, and even on days off they have to appear in court or sign additional paperwork at the office...never ending! My husband and I were together for 4 years before he became an officer, and now he has been an officer for just over 4 years and it has been a huge adjustment. I attended a spousal meeting for law enforcement wives when he was first hired and they recommended the books, I Love A Cop, and Emotional Survival For Law Enforement. Although, it sounds like she is trying to avoid coping or acceptance all together. I hate to say it, but this may be a battle she needs to face on her own when she is ready. I just hope she is ready to deal with it before it takes a tole on the relationship. Your son needs support, as does his wife, and they need to turn to each other to grow! Best of luck to you and your family.

Valerie - posted on 01/01/2010

It's tough when you're the MIL. There is some sensitivity there with "meddling" where some women get touchy. I would say give her places to go for support, and then you may just have to leave well enough alone unless she comes to you for help. It may make matters worse if she feels you are interfering or looking down on her. It's tough because he's your son and you want him to be supported in such a difficult job. I'll be praying for them both!

Michelle - posted on 01/01/2010

Gayla,

My husband is with the Sheriffs Department and has been for 20+ years.  although we did not meet in college, I knew when I met him what he was.  He worked nights at the time and when our first child came along I hated it.  I had to try to keep the baby quiet while my husband slept.  When a spot came open, after our second child was born, for him to move to a day shift he did not want it.  I begged him and he finally decided to try it.  He has been working that shift now for 5 years.  I am not like some of the wives who worry all the time, I just can't.  Maybe your daughter-in-law is worrying more than even she realizes.  Check to see if there is a counselor the county has hired for the officers.  Many times they will also see the wives, of both of them together.  Hopefully she will be able to learn to relax a bit more and allow your son to talk about what goes on.  He needs that outlet and maybe she can learn from talking about it.  I would not worry if she does not talk to the other wives.  We come from all walks of life and just because our husbands work together does not mean we will become instant friends.  She needs to be able to do something for herself...of course planned without needing to have her husband home on time.  Maybe she will have to hire a neighborhood kid to come over when she is planning on going somewhere, even if her husband is supposed to get home in time.  She must have her outlet, and if she feels she can't do anything because he has the real job and she can never count on him being home it can cause conflict.  There may be some other issue, like they never "date" any more.  Hopefully the counselor can help them figure out what is truly bothering her and help them to work it out.  Good luck!

Kristina - posted on 12/08/2009

When my husband and I started dating I wasn't sure I could handle him being a police officer. I was talking to one of the police wives and asking her questions about how she handled it and so forth. She told me to go to the book store and pick up the book I Love a Cop by Ellen Kirschman, Ph.D., it explains a lot about the job, what he deals with day to day, and how important it is for his family to support him.

Danielle - posted on 10/27/2009

Tell her to grow up. For better or worse includes the job he loves. She would want his support in her career choice so she should do the same for him. being with an officer isn't all rainbows and sunshine. The hours suck, the pay is average, and the job is dangerous. But in the end when he comes home at night and has that look of satisfaction after a hard days work you know it is what is right for him. She married a hero. Tell her to go with him to visit a local elementary school and look at the awe in those childrens eyes. When we need help it is her husband who gets the call not the attorny or the salesman next door. I have been a dispatcher for 6 years now. I love my job. I couldn't imagine doing anything else. My hubbie has been an officer for 14years. he almost lost his eye in an accident last summer. Sitting with him in the hospital watching all of his hard work and his dreams for the future slip away was the worst experience of my life. He has a masters he can go on to be a professor or a researcher and make more money than he does now or he could be a garbage collector for all I care but i knew watching him in that hospital that he would never be happy doing anything other than being an officer. Do I worry about him? Every minuet of every day. Do i have nightmares about his job? Yep. Do I hate his hours? Uh-huh. Do I worry that something has happened to him when he is late coming home? Of course. But i would never ask him to leave his job. He IS his job. He is a Husband, a Father, and an Officer.