My husband just started as a police officer.... any suggestions?

Mandy - posted on 04/02/2009 ( 31 moms have responded )

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My husband is in his 5th month as a police officer, and between his grumpy attitude, crappy shifts, scary stories, and big head, we are having a bit of a hard time adapting. He is also a volunteer firman, so I have learned not to worry or even think about the dangers he might face out there; but the complete turn around in his attitude and him never being home unless to sleep is throwing me and the kids through a loop. I was told to ask one of his co-workers who have been married for quite a while, how they make it work. Unfortunately all of them have been divorced at least once. Any suggestions?

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Evie - posted on 04/03/2009

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Well, I wish there was a great answer to this question but there isn't. I've been a cop for 13 years and married to my first husband an officer for 7 years and married now to my second husband also an officer (apparently didn't learn my lesson the first time) for 5 years and I have the same problems as you. My first marriage ended because I felt like I was a single parent and we even worked the same shift at the same department! My husband and I work at the same department but different shifts and our main issue is that cops don't make enough money so we both work second jobs and there is a total lack of sleep and crabbiness. The crappy shifts are part of this profession because your open 24/7 365. We have spent one christmas together in the last 5 years. We have learned to make our christmas on his first day off before the holiday so he is there for the kids. Santa still leaves them a present on the real day, and they love having two christmas's. The big head head usually deflates when you realize not everyone respects your authority and carrying a gun doesn't make you God. His attitude will change, mine did and so did my husbands. The main thing is this job is very stressful and it has the highest rate of alcoholism and divorce. That being said, a marriage can withstand all that. I feel for women who are married to officers and are not one themselves. My dad was a policeman and my mom had such a hard time relating to his fears, stress and wacky schedules. It is a job that is hard to understand. You want to help people and make a difference but then you get on the street and people hate you, they call you corrupt because of everything they see on tv, ask if you have something better to do, like arrest druggies, when you pull them over for traffic violations (I guess thats not part of our job???), and a whole bunch of other irritating things. you wonder why you even enjoy doing this job and then you save someones life or make a child smile when you wave from your squad and it makes it all worth it. But in between the criticism and the minimal praise, you can feel very low. Thats where you and your kids come in. Thats the one part of our life where we always want to feel like the hero, so if you constantly complain or make him feel like he is not appreciated or failing at home too, then he has no reason to be there and that is why alot of marriages end in divorce. It will be hard, trust me its not always easy for me either but let him vent. Try to carve a little time each week to spend together as a family and no discusion of work or his time away. Each time you have these outings and they are enjoyable and stress free he will relax and look forward to them. You will be suprised at how his attitude will change. That doesn't mean you let him get away with snapping or treating you or the kids bad, just address those issues in private, at an agreed time. you will have a better talk if he knows its coming and doesn't feel blindsided or attacked. And LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN I cannot stress this enough. I am the only female in my dept. and I hear everything about everything!!!! I have learned alot more than I even wanted to know but boy has it helped. The biggest gripe they have is we don't hear what they are saying when its not what we want to hear!! I have been guilty of that many times. So even if you dont like what he tells you, you have to acknowledge it and deal with it together. I hope this helps. If you ever have any questions about anything let me know. I will try to help and maybe I can offer some insight since I do this humbling job also. I'll keep you in my prayers because as an officers spouse you can never get enough!!!!

Kath - posted on 10/31/2011

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I am so glad others are going through this. I am in Australia so risk to my husband in terms or death or injury is low over here, so I am not worried about that.
But my husband has changed so much, he has been in the force for 2.5 years. He has so much trouble switching off. He has become grumpy and gets really angry at the drop of a hat. We have had a few problems in our marriage mainly because he doesn't want to talk to me about much and he is not interested in what is happening with me anymore. I came home really upset from work and when I tried talking to him he told me that he didn't care.
He is a great dad and he tells me all the time how much he loves me but I just want my old husband back. I was thinking about getting some counseling for him and us, has anyone had any experience with counseling, does it help?
What is funny about all of this is when he joined everyone kept saying to me join the force get a divorce and I use to think that was so silly, why would a job cause that many problems? But it does change them and tests your marriage to the max. let's just hope it gets easier soon.

Missy - posted on 01/02/2010

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I laughed when I read your post because I can totally relate! I've been married to a police officer for 17 1/2 yrs now. We're one of the few couples that haven't been divorced. It's not been easy at times but I've got a good husband. The biggest piece of advice I can give you is to give it time. The crappy shifts mean you're body never really gets adjusted or used to a routine of when it's time to sleep and be up so yeah they are always tired and grumpy. The attitude does improve when they realize they can't change the world but it seems they always keep that cynical attitude because of the people and situations they deal with. They do need to vent to you and tell you the scary stories because it's also scary to them although they don't show that. Just like when you almost have a car wreck because someone almost ran into you and it shakes you up so you immediately want to tell everyone about it and then you feel better getting it off your chest. Just listen but don't complain or offer advice. Would you rather him tell another woman that will listen without complaining? Of course not. The stories are scary but it's stuff that goes on every day and they've been trained on how to handle it so I always say a prayer as he goes off to work and let God handle the rest. You will have to get used to him not being around as much so look at finding other groups of moms you can socialize with whether it's MOPS, a church group, library group, etc that you can vent to. Being a cop is not unlike say a lawyer or businessman climbing the career ladder and not being home much trying to get established in their career so they are tons of other moms that can relate to that aspect alone. Try to make home a sanctuary where there is little stress and he can relax but at the same time you need to communicate your needs as well. Don't just say I need you to spend more time with me and the kids-plan something. Don't complain he needs to help out more-just tell him I need you to empty the dishwasher please while I go change a diaper, etc. I've found that flat out asking works much better than hints or complaining you never do anything around here. Just as you feel your job is hard and he doesn't understand all the work you do he feels the same. I noticed he also works as a volunteer fireman and I'm sure that doesn't thrill you-one more thing that keeps him away and he doesn't even get paid for it! If he enjoys it then leave it alone. I'm sure he has a good camradrie with other firemen and that will help with his job. My husband didn't do that but he is a member of the SWAT Team, Drug Interdiction Team, and for years was a K-9 officer that constantly got called out all hours. Plus there have been other things as well that he was always working his days off on so it could be worse. Hang in there-it does get better as long as you keep an open, non-critical communication style between you. Be supportive but let him know how he can help you as well. My husband now gets several weeks of vacation off a year, is a supervisor so he can pretty much pick his days off, and is a lot less stressed-it took a while but he will get there. Good luck!

Deborah - posted on 01/01/2010

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Oh Mandy - I have been married for 31 years to my police officer hubby. To do the job they do, they have to be arrogant!! They go out there and face up to people I would run and hide from. The arrogance is not nasty, just a side effect from doing their job. I wouldn't have him any other way. Life isn't easy, he and my youngest son clash dreadfully (basically because they are so similar). We are one of only about 10% of our group that are still married but the ones that stick it out, seem to do it for ever. He's still the same bloke, he's adjusting to his role and learning how to cope with the scum out there they have to cope with. He'll manage to strike a balance eventually but during one particularly horrible phase of our marriage, my hubby was involved in a huge investigation and somehow forgot how important his home life was. He had a bit of a meltdown and I called up a few of his mates and me and the kids went away for a couple of days. He was a changed man after that and it doesn't take long for me to remind him if I see it start to happen again. He had to decide that we were more important than the job that's all. Once that was sorted, it all worked out. He's no less effective as an officer and much more effective as a partner and father. My husband was a volunteer firie also but has now dropped that. It clashed with his work as a police officer as we lived in a small town and he was often called on in both capacities - a bit confusing! Persist, listen, support and don't stand for any nonsense - you, his family, are his rock. I hope all goes well.

Deborah - posted on 12/05/2009

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First of all, get use to doing things on your own. He will be gone alot. My husband is a police officer of 12 years now, in las vegas and now seattle. Now there was just a cop killer out there, so that was scary. Keep in mind that it is more likely he will die in a car accident, than at his job (hopefully that will help you to not worry). I dont know how long you have been married, but if this was something that you both decided for him to do, then you can't complain. you knew what to expect when you signed on...sorry. If his scary stories worries you, ask him to not tell you ALL the details, but know that if he can't talk to you about the CRAZY stuff he sees everyday, then he will find someone else who will listen. Cops are taught to not bring their work home, but it is your job to make sure he stays sane...so make him talk to you. If you are not a strong person, you need to get thicker skin,because he is going to need you supporting him. Every day he comes home from work give him AT LEAST 30 minutes to switch from "cop mode" and cool down. Then talk to him about his day. If you want to be married to this man, you will find a way to make it work. He will change, and so will you. And he will go to special units and he will change again, and so will you. Then something really bad might happen at work that he witnesses, then he will change again, and so will you. This is the life of a cops wife...hope you stay strong and fight for your marriage! God Bless!

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Margaret - posted on 06/18/2011

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Just be patient, and you need to understant that he doesn't have a regular job, when he comes home he doesn't want to talk about what happened during the day or in my case night. But sometimes Yes! you have to remind him that you are not one of the criminal but in a nice way.

Ellen - posted on 10/31/2009

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I've been married to a police officer for 14 years..the first couple of years is hard. There is no magic to making it work, there will be fights. Its just part of the adjustment for your hubby and you. It would help if he would try to make an effort to spend more time with you and the kids when he's not working..even if it means a little less sleep. Things will get better tho with time. Patience, understanding and a whole lot of love--and not just from you, but HIM too. Good Luck :-)

Carrie - posted on 10/19/2009

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HOLD ON SISTER...it is rough and I believe a very bumpy ride at first, but it does get better. I know my hubby thought he was king of the world at first and nothing came between him and his job, but the newness does wear off and they do come back to reality, just allow him the time to adjust and time for yourself to adjust to this new life as well. It is hard, but not impossible, he is doing a hard job, but so are you. He doesnt realize that yet, but hopefully he will. Pray before he leaves everyday/night for Gods protection and guidence, and remind him that his job was just not given to him by some chance but, I like to say given to him by the good Lord and he has a duty to uphold and to do it in the utmost respectful way. One last thing try to listen to him vent about work, but remind him that when he comes home, its a peaceful place a place to relax, unwine and enjoy his time there as much as possible, remind him at home its okay to put his guard down...lol goodluck and GOD Bless

Bridget - posted on 08/15/2009

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Quoting Traci:



Quoting Mandy:

Kristy.... are you sure were not married to the same man? lol Just listening to his future plans and ideas tire me out! I know he loves me and our two lil kids, but at times it feels like we will never be enough to keep him happy. He is always looking for something bigger and brighter; more exciting, and that scares me more than anything. Especially now that I hear about "bar skanks" hitting on the uniform? Is that a worry for you? Sorry starting to wine a bit now! Thanks for the advice on the book.






I know exactly how you are feeling when you talk about these homewreckers hitting on the uniform.  They call them "holster sniffers". (how rude is that? lol) I really had a lot of apprehensions when he first started because of that too.  It makes it especially hard when you've got a HOT husband! lol.  And for me it was really bad, because my hubby is a twin and his bro was on the same dept.  So, they were adorable AND a novelty around town!!!  You just gotta trust them and hope for the best.  Be aware, of course, but you gotta be trusting as well.  It's really hard, I know.  And watch out for the dispatchers and fellow female officers!  They are nothing but trouble.  I have seen COUNTLESS affairs within a fairly small department with these chicks. It's all a very incestuous situation, really.   They are worse than the bar chicks.  It's hard to be a cop's wife, but it gets better with time.  Just steer clear of the trouble and you'll come out okay :)



 



Listen it's not fair to blame the dispatchers and the female officers. I'm a dispatcher and I'm married to an officer. I had no interest in getting this job to meet cops. My whole family is in law enforcement and I really love my job. Mandy, you have to trust your husband. I have seen so many of our friends and fellow officers split up or get divorced because their husband/wife didn't trust them. People can only take so much of,  "was anyone flirting with you", " were you really working overtime or with someone else?" , "Who else were you out with besides the guys/girls?'" " Who are you talking to/texting all the time?"  Believe me it makes people want to do something just so they can quit hearing it you know? No other woman is going to be able to come between you and your husband unless you or he allows them to. That includes female officers and dispatchers. Anyway, it does get old listening to their constant complaints some times, but it does help them to relax, calm down, and get on with their day. They see so many awful things in their jobs that they just need to get it off their chest. Try to be patient and listen as best as you can. As for the big head, most do grow out of it so to speak. Usually by the end of the first year that's gone. Some never get rid of it but I'm sure most of them had that cocky personality even before they became an officer. Try to make some time for eachother during the week even if it's only for an hour. Something is better than nothing. My husband & I like sitting out on the deck after our son is in bed and having a few drinks. He tells me about his day or week and I tell him what's been going on with our son. We work for the same department so even though I already know what's been going on he still likes to tell me himself. Lol! I get to hear the stories twice. I hope it all works out for you 2 and for your family.





 

Carey - posted on 08/11/2009

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That's tough to have not only a police officer husband but a firefighter too. I'm afraid that you have a double wammy my dear! My husband and I have been married now for 11 years, he has been a police officer for 15. It's great that you have found a way to cope with the dangers out there so I will skip that part, however, my husband and I have sat down and discussed what I want to hear and what I don't. Of course, if any of the things I don't want to hear is something that is bothering him or he needs support that changes. I think that a big part of the attitude change comes from the attmosphere of the job. As a fireman, he is helping people who are grateful, as a cop, he mostly deals with crappy people who would rather not have him there. I try and put myself in his shoes, if I had a job where everyone didn't appriciate me, hit me, shot at me, and generally disliked who I was by association to being a cop I might be a bit grumpy too. That's another area where I think it's good to try and figure out a way he can leave most of that at work, but if it does come home, there is a way to communicate to him that once he comes through the front door the "cop" stays outside. We went through a time where I swear he treated me like I was a suspect (used "cop" lingo and all) Ugh! ;-) As far as the big head goes, once he settles into the job I think that will get better. I've heard that all cops are a bit "badge heavy" when they first start, after all, they have been givin an enormous amount of power! Remember above all, the strongest person in a cop marriage is YOU. It's a tough job to be married to a cop and takes alot of patience, understanding, support, commitment and time. So everyday is an acheivement and something to be celebrated. Stay strong!

Mercedes - posted on 07/21/2009

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Hi Mandy, I am married to a Police Officer too, and we are on our 11th year of marriage. Just be his biggest fan! They deal with so much that when they come home, you are the best thing they see and love. So love and support from you will add many years of marriage. It won't be easy, I know. Since he is in his 1st year, as the years go by with him on the force, your husband's stories will get less. My husband has been on the Police force for 24 years and all you hear now, is it as a hard night or it was okay. I like that better, than the details. All the best to you, him and the rest of the family.

[deleted account]

When men join the PD, not only their whole world and mindset changes, but so does ours. And letting it get out of control is really easy to do. After 11 years of trying many different things I am still not at the perfect marriage I thought I would have, but it has evolved in a positive direction.



So here is my latest....I have another tactic.. I make him get involved in things that are outside of the PD and that involve communicating with me. Recently we went thru the "FireProof Your Marriage" seminar series at our church. Many churches offer the seminar. You can also buy a self-study version at any Christian bookstore. The movie is based around a firefighter who is struggling in his marriage because he feels like he is not respected at home. She is struggling because she feels ignored and alone. Sounds familiar, right?



The 6 week seminar takes you as a couple and as individuals thru a process to learn how to talk to each other, how to see each other in another light and how to understand what the other person needs. The idea is that you never leave your partner behind.



My husband struggled with defining what RESPECT meant. At work it meant having the bad guys do what he told them to. But at home? That definition just does not work. It does not work for a wife or a child. After much discussion we finally agreed that respect meant listening to what the spouse was saying and agreeing on how the request should be handled.



Something we had both noticed in our PD, was that the guys who were struggling at home were only talking to the others who were also struggling- they never talked to the ones who were making it work. In my husbands SWAT team of 24 there are 9 currently divorcing and they all group together and go drinking and complaining. My husband was invited once recently and mostly listened (mainly because of the seminar effect) and after he sat down with our group leader and talked about he felt he needed to find a way to be a positive influence in these mens lives. Even though he did not want to interfere or preach to them, he really wanted them to think about another option- learn to love their spouse again..learn to be a good husband and partner... So now when he is with them, he gives examples of what IS working and how he is trying to have his marriage be the best it can be. One of the guys (who is not usually a church attendant) even came over to borrow the self-study.



My husband has really changed how he talk to/with me, how he talks to our children (5, 14, 18) and this process has made him reflect on how he used to treat our oldest (she passed away 3 years ago at 18). He still has a long way to go, but it is MUCH better.

[deleted account]

It got better for me and my girls, though I think we're used to it (he's in his 17th year as a police officer.) The pessimism never seems to get better, but I laughingly call him on it now. I often tell people I'm a "single mother who occasionally has help" and that hasn't changed, but as my kids get older, it's easier. The thing about police officers is, it isn't what the do, it's what they "are." I often wonder how he'll be as a "retired" officer.

Truthfully, I live my life, with my job, family and other responsibilities. I'm happy when he's home, and make a special effort to spend time with him, but I don't spend time when he's not around "wishing he was there and feeling bad." If I did, I would spend WAY TOO MANY hours feeling sorry for myself, and my girls. Life is for living.

Mandy - posted on 05/09/2009

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Thanks SOOO much ladies for all of the comments and suggestions! I haven't been able to check in a while, due to a very sick baby, so I was pleasently surprised when I saw all of these responses. I wish I had time to reply to each and every one since you took the time to share your opinions and experiences, but I only have minutes before my baby wakes up and needs to be walked. (colic on top of an ear infection) THANKS AGAIN!

Jacqueline - posted on 05/08/2009

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My husband has been a PO for just over 4 years. The big head is annoying but it goes away, especially once he gets off training and has been in the field for a while. I try to find the HUMOR in my husband's stories, even if some of them are scary. I try to keep in mind that this is what he LOVES to do. Once he gets a regular shift and isn't switching from days to nights, etc things will get better. Also once he finds a group of buddies that he trusts, things get better. You have to stay really organized and make sure the two of you prioritize your schedule together.

LaShawn - posted on 05/06/2009

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It is hard but they can not transition over very well at all. they have to switch brains or something. Most people do not understand being a PO wife and they read certain behaviors as being horrible. I know that my husband is very blunt and it rubs some of his relatives the wrong way but I am used to it because he has to be direct at work. I have learned how to develope tough skin .



I think that makes all the difference in the world.

[deleted account]

Good point about the unwinding. My husband used to work the road at a residentpost. He had call outs at any time of the day or night whether he was scheduled that day or not. There were days he woul be gone 20 hours or more, come home and crash for a few hours while waiting for another call from dispatch. It was a unique lifestyle. Anyway, when he finally managed to make it home he usually had reports from the day to write so we had him working in the living room which was his office also, then when his work was finally done, he would still need time to unwind even though he had been home for a couple of hours. They can't just transition in a snap.

LaShawn - posted on 05/06/2009

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My husband and I have been married almost 2 years but we dated for 7 years and 3 of those he was on the force. He has been on the force for a total of 5 years and it is not easy.



A couple of things help:



give him at least 30 minutes to an hour to debrief and get into husband and daddy mode. it takes a while for them to come down off of police mode.



Listen to his stories and do not try and understand the slang/lingo you never will.



As for the shifts it is really nothing he can do because he is a rookie. know that he is proabbly being broken in being the rookie and trying to learn and apply what he learned in academy in real life and that is hard.



Also know that the crazy shifts and time away from you is for your benefit in the long/short run when he gets paid however many times.



the biggest thing that helps us is the promise that my husband made to me - if ever I felt like i was not seeing him enough let him know and he will take off. he may not be able to do that now but when he can he will if you just remain patient with him....





you can not do to much about the stories I have learned to live with them and sometimes they are interesting and give you a glimpse into his world.



hope this helps

[deleted account]

Very funny Mandy! Now mine has taken a special duty position which he loves... is finishing up his Bachelor's Degree , talking about studying for the next promotion test, thinking about his Master's degree now... will it ever stop? He still has his personal company too! At least he isn't a volunteer firefighter anymore! Sorry! I am not bothered by skanky women anymore. At first, he would come home with these stories about women and it really bothered me. Now, after 9 years, if he is stupid enough to mess around with another woman,I am smart enough to find out. I hate to sound mean, but he has put me through soo much, I won't play these games. I have to believe and have faith that he is committed to me. Otherwise it will eat you up inside. Always trust your gut instincts too. If you suspect something is happening, it probably is.

Amy - posted on 05/04/2009

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Thanks to everyone for the book ideas... I am gonna look them up! I have a great hubby who does try to communicate about work and such, but there is always room for improvement. A book I have found helpful for me in understanding a bit about his NEED for being busy ALL the time is called: "For Women Only" by Shaunti Feldhahn - it is really easy reading but totally practical! It is all about how we can better understand our men, and is based on a survey of over 1000 men!

Nicola - posted on 04/28/2009

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I was reading Christy's post. It made me think of a wonderful book that is meant for you guys to do together. It's called The Five Love Languages. It's good for marriages that are great all the way down to marriages in trouble. Take the time. Nothing is more important than your family.

Nicola - posted on 04/28/2009

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My husband has been an officer for 6 years. We have been married for 13 and together for 18. We have three kids 6,7,13. His identical twin is also on the force and has been on 4 years longer. What you have explained is typical and a huge problem with a majority of officers. We call it "menusha". You guys are new to this and things will calm down eventually. Until he gains some senority he will get the crappy shifts. My husband was stuck on the graveyard shift for a year. I'm sure your husband is under a lot of pressure as being a rookie is tough. There is something called "the good old boys network" that he will come to know. They are the cliques. It's a lot like high school. Hopefully the big head is only temporary. My My husband was gung ho at first. He let everything bother him. My husband is a rare breed. He has never let this job go to his head and is a 100% family man. However, unfortuantely, that is not the norm. When my husband was hired on we did a class specifically for spouses of police officers. The divorce rate is one of the highest for Police Officers. Give your husband some time to adjust to his new job. He, in turn, needs to keep in mind that this is a major adjustment for you as well. It is also vital that he remembers his job is a means to an end. His life is you and your kids. That has been the difference for us. I see marrages fall apart regularly because of egos and these guys being married to their job. You are right not to worry about the dangers. They are out there and there isn't anything we can do. It's an honor that our spouses are the risk takers and make their living making our communities safer. Try joining a police wives club within his dept if there is one. Try hard to stay connected with him and him with you. Communicate regularly. Seek outside help for the first year. Only the strongest marriages survive these jobs. Good luck!

Jeanie - posted on 04/27/2009

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My husband and I have been married 13 years and he became a police officer about a year after we married. Getting used to his hours and his love for the job was what challenged me. Lucky for me, my husband went to work for a small town at first and knew some of the guys he worked with. So he didn't catch to much hell. Now he works in Austin, Tx but had enough experience under his belt that he mostly had their respect. Rookie's aIways catch hell from "the guys" and it may be stressful for your husband, let alone the stress of the job itself. As hard as it is, just do your best to support him. In time he will adjust at work and he will see your efforts as well. Guys are just really slow to appreciate their spouses. But eventually he will. :)

Now after 12 years of this life, I'd rather my husband work nights. My routine has changed according to his, our life seems out of wack when he works a day shift and he's home at night. You just learn to adjust.

Mandy - posted on 04/11/2009

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Kristy.... are you sure were not married to the same man? lol Just listening to his future plans and ideas tire me out! I know he loves me and our two lil kids, but at times it feels like we will never be enough to keep him happy. He is always looking for something bigger and brighter; more exciting, and that scares me more than anything. Especially now that I hear about "bar skanks" hitting on the uniform? Is that a worry for you? Sorry starting to wine a bit now! Thanks for the advice on the book.

[deleted account]

I forgot about that book! I read it years ago. Might be nice to refresh my memory! I know this is kind of off topic because it's more personal that professional, but we read a book by William F. Harley, His needs, Her Needs. It isn't aimed at police families or anything, but the basic concepts taught in the book have definitely helped us. He has a website, www.marriagebuilders.com. Understanding what we both needed in our lives in general, helped me deal with the impact of my husband's job on his own life. Very interesting stuff.



And Mandy, my husband is like yours. We moved to a post in the middle of nowhere so my husband could "slow-down". Within 2 weeks he was enrolled in full-time college and volunteering at the fire department. He also had call-outs at any/all hours in the middle of the night. After 4 years he decided to take a position to help his career so he works m-f 8-5 now... and he is almost done with his degree... but now he wants to get his Masters... and he is talking about a doctorate... and learning to fly... and when will it stop? I wish that husband's everywhere would realize family should be a priority before they spread themselves so thin...  Good luck and keep pushing through!

Mandy - posted on 04/04/2009

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Thanks so much for all of your words of wisdom! At times when I have taught preschool, then babysat three additional kids, on top of comforting a colicky babey all day long, the last thing I want to do is sit and listen to him complain about his day. But after hearing that this is the biggest complain from all the other police officers.... I will definately make listening to him a priority! Thanks for your prayers, (we are gonna need them) the advice, and for doing this unrewarding job for all of us, on top of being a mother. I'm not sure how you do it but I am glad you do!

Mandy - posted on 04/04/2009

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Thanks so much.... I love the term copitude, and am ordering the book right now!

Nicole - posted on 04/03/2009

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I love a cop by ellen kirschman.  state your needs and know you support him but its not a one way street. i suggest buying the book and do your best getting him to read it. my husband has been an officer since 07 and is from a  family full. they are used to it and i'm getting there-its difficult but i think this book has helped me in talking to him and remember to always date eachother-even if you get no response for a while he'll wake up and see your trying. sometimes it starts with one. but if he's gettin what i like to call copittude mine hates it-but he's learned the look( i'm your wife not a flunky back talking you and i'm not disrespecting you so don't disrespect me) remember why you fell in love in the first place look at your kids and you'll see it, I pormise its there. the most i know is that we need support groups and have to function on our own. I live forever away from fam but i've found some very close neighbors and that has helped when I just need a break from the wife mom duties i've been blessed with. just remind him your proud to be his wife and that your proud of him for making sacrfices but that you need him to see your going through things to and you want to be a better wife by trying to understand where he is coming from and why he is so upset because thats what you need to cope with his lack of sleep and incoherentness. but that you love him and you feel that the two of you are off balanced bc its like a crazy circus act where all the naimals have gotten out and your chasin them around and you need things to be in a decent order of some sort so that you don't loose eachother in trying to succeed in the nromal american life bc its a stereotype and there is no norm for cop families except being flexible and  and figuring out wierd ways to have your own traditions and family outings that end and make you feel like your second to the job when really they love you more then you could ever imagine and this is a calling for them that we have to come to understand and live with but you have to find your ground. i really suggest that book- someone on here suggested it-she is a dispatcher. she recommended a few others- but they are stories about calls that can be a litle graphic if your not ready for it. but the book i mentioned is good and then try th five love languages and maybe that will help you find out where your needs are that you can better convey to him. good luck-inmy prayers

[deleted account]

My husband and I have been married for five years now. The attitude does improve with time. As for the crazy shifts and sleepless nights those don't. It has taken me a great amount of patience to deal with this and what little time he does get at home we make the best of it. It was extremley hard the last few years and we almost seperated several times. But always remember you can make it work and it does take time and their are groups for cops and families to go to when you need help. I have gotten to the point of not asking my husband how his night went and we have learned that it is just best to leave somethings at the door.  I asked him one time why his attitude was so awful and he told me because when he goes to work he fears not seeing his family again and then some of the people they have to deal with on the street. Work together it is a tough job to be a police wife.

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