Funny quotes....

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Jaime - posted on 06/03/2010

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A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

'HONEY,
COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW'.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW ?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
GE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD ?
I DON'T THINK SO'.

FINE,

THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR ?
IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT '

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR ?
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD ?
I DON'T THINK SO'.

'FINE', SHE SAYS
'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
TO THE FRONT DOOR ?
THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK '

'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
WANT TO FIX STEPS'.
HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE
ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD ?
I DON'T THINK SO
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.
I'M GOING TO THE BAR !!!! '

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A
COUPLE OF HOURS....................................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE, HE NOTICES
THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED..

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

'HONEY', HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED ?'
SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
OUTSIDE AND CRIED.

JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME
WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND
ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE'.

HE SAID,
'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE ?'

SHE REPLIED,
'HELLOOOOO..
DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN
ON MY FOREHEAD ?
I DON'T THINK SO !'

[deleted account]

Swallow a toad in the morning if you do not want to encounter anything more disgusting for the rest of the day.
--Nicolas Chamfort

Meghan - posted on 05/31/2010

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Mothers who have experience in the trenches of family warfare are sometimes even driven to what I call anticipatory parenting. They ask a child a question, he tries to answer, and they say, “You shut up! When I ask you a question, you keep your mouth shut! You think I'm talking to hear myself talk? Answer me!”

Meghan - posted on 05/31/2010

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After creating the heaven, the earth, the ocean, and the entire animal kingdom, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was “Don’t.”

Meghan - posted on 05/31/2010

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Look at anything that gives birth: eventually it will run and hide. After a while, even a mother elephant will run away from its child and hide. And when you consider how hard it is for a mother elephant to hide, you can appreciate the depth of her motivation.

Meghan - posted on 05/31/2010

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It was because of my father that from the ages of seven to fifteen, I thought that my name was Jesus Christ and my brother, Russell, thought that his name was Dammit. "Dammit, will you stop all that noise?" And, "Jesus Christ, sit down!" One day, I'm out playing in the rain, and my father yelled, "Dammit will you get back in here!" I said, "Dad, I'm Jesus Christ!"

Parents aren't interested in justice - they want QUIET!

I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know where I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job... and I don't want it.

[after spanking the kids] My wife comes downstairs with a broken stick. She throws it on the table and begins to talk out loud to... NOBODY! "Gonna tell me that you're not going to do something when I tell you to do something. I mean you MOVE when I say move! Think I carried you in my body for nine months so you can roll your eyes at me? I'll roll that little head of yours down on the floor. You don't know who you're fooling with. I'll beat you until you can't grow anymore!"

All of the above are from my favorite Bill Cosby

Jaime - posted on 05/31/2010

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Gifts For The Teacher

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "

That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?"

"Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter.

The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl.

"Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue.

"Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue.

"Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy replied, with more excitement.

The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?"

With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

Jaime - posted on 05/31/2010

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Actual School Excuse Notes

* My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
* Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
* Please excuse me for being absent last week. I am in pursuing my life's dream and training to become a Master Burger Flipper at McDonald's.
* Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
* Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
* Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
* John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
* Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
* Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
* Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
* I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.
* Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
* Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
* My daughter
was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
* Please excuse Bob from school from Sep. 1 - Nov. 1, he had to attend a religious sacrificial giving ceremony on Indian grounds.
* My brother used this in real life..."the only reason that I do bad in school is because I'm near and far sighted."
* I didn't come to school yesterday because I was feeling like I was going to be sick, but thankfully I wasn't!
* Please excuse my daughter for being late. Her broom won't start so I had to send it back to Salem for repairs!
* I'm sorry but my baby sitter flushed my homework down the toilet.
* I'm sorry Tyler can't go to school today because his hormones are raging.
* I'm sorry I can't come to school today because I have toemonia!

Jaime - posted on 05/31/2010

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The Neighbour's Kid



An old man was sitting on his front porch down in Louisiana watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says, "Gonna catch some chickens."

Old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.



Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of roll in his hand.

Old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."

Old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

Boy says back, "Gonna catch me some ducks."

Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by going home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.



Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

Boy says, "It's a pussy willow."



Old man says, "Wait up!.... I'll get my hat."

Jaime - posted on 05/31/2010

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Proverbs As Told By Children
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. These are great:

As you shall make your bed so shall you... mess it up.

Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the... bug is close.

It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of... termites.

You can lead a horse to water but... how?

Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.

No news is... impossible.

A miss is as good as a... Mr.

You can't teach an old dog new... math.

If you lie down with the dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.

Love all, trust... me.

The pen is mightier than the... pigs.

An idle mind is... the best way to relax.

Where there's smoke, there's... pollution.

Happy the bride who... gets all the presents!

A penny saved is... not much.

Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.

Don't put off tomorrow what... you put on to go to bed.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.

None are so blind as... Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.

When the blind leadeth the blind... get out of the way.

There is no fool like... Aunt Eddie.

Jess - posted on 05/31/2010

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Failure is the only way to begin again, but this time more wisely. Author is unknown, but this quote got me through the break up of a 3 year relationship !

Jaime - posted on 05/31/2010

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There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors.
-- Jim Morrison

Jaime - posted on 05/31/2010

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There are only two things a child will share willingly -- communicable diseases and his mother's age.
-- Benjamin Spock

Jaime - posted on 05/31/2010

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Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for
sex.
-- Bill Maher

Jaime - posted on 05/31/2010

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My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a bitch.
-- Jack Nicholson

Jaime - posted on 05/31/2010

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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Mitch Hedberg

[deleted account]

Where do you think I got the idea from? LOL! I'm the hijacker.....I even got my quote from the same website you did! I'm lame, right!?

Jaime - posted on 05/31/2010

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I just posted a funny one on my status:

"Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings." (unknown)

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