I KNOW!!!! and teaching patience....

Elizabeth - posted on 07/09/2011

I get distracted very easily too. I think I might have ADHD (I even keep gum, a brush and deodorant in the car in case I get distracted during my routine and forget something important in the morning)

When I have one or two things that I need to do, I keep saying it out loud until it is done. Maybe he could try that.

Have you tried the dye for teeth, the one that shows where the plaque is?

It's great that you know what his problem actually is, and yeah, unfortunately kids get distracted easily. Maybe you could create another thread about it. I'm sure others have gone through the whole trial and error to find solutions and they might be able to help.

Good luck.

Kelly - posted on 07/09/2011

Katherine, it's encouraging to know I'm not alone!

I've been trying to ask him more why he is disobeying, his most common answer is "I'm just weird like that." Which I'm not sure I understand, but I've been working over it.

The other common answer is that he got distracted, so I'm working on things to help keep him on task. He is like me in that way, I have severe ADD and can be distracted in a matter of seconds. He does not display any other symptoms of ADD, but he can literally be distracted 1-2 seconds after the request. Like putting his shoes on. I told him to put his shoes on, and he picked up his towel. He needed to pick it up, so it was good that he remembered it, but then he was fumbling trying to wrap it around him, then he dropped his goggles, I told him again, but he picked up the goggles & put them in the bag where he saw the water and decided to take a drink, etc.

With teeth brushing, I know it's boring and he is usually tired by that time, so I made it fun, but he gets distracted then too. We told him to brush his teeth, and he launched into a speech on germs...great, but inappropriate timing. When I tell him not now, brush his teeth, he gets angry. I tell him we can talk about germs after we brush, but that is not good enough because he's afraid he'll forget about them.....and I told him I would remind him, and do you know what he said!?! He said "You won't remember, you forget all the time."!! I was rather offended. I do forget a lot, but I remember the important stuff, and I make lists and such. I wrote it down for him, and that helped, but it was rather time consuming when I just wanted him to brush his friggin' teeth.

So I guess maybe I need tips on keeping him focused, then we can avoid the whole "I know" incidents all together and I won't have to figure out how to deal with those?

Elizabeth - posted on 07/09/2011

My first recommendation is to post a very generic list of rules in several areas of the house. This is the list I used.

1. Respect other peoples feelings, body and things.
2. Respect your own feelings, body and things.
3. Follow directions the first time.

Almost all misbehavior comes from breaking one or more of these rules. When the list is posted have a brief family meeting to explain these rules and give examples of each.

At that age, a lot of times my daughter didn't know why she would or wouldn't do certain things so asking why didn't work until I realized that she needed help figuring it out which meant that I had to figure out possible reasons. For your son not brushing his teeth, he may have sensitive teeth and it bothers him, it may take to long, it may be boring, it might be because he doesn't see why he should do it, maybe he doesn't like the flavor of toothpaste or he likes the flavor that is in his mouth and doesn't want it to go away. Once you figure out why something is being done (or not done) it is so much easier to fix. So my first suggestion is ask again why he does the unacceptable behaviors, but when you ask, do it in a family meeting. Set aside a time to talk, let him know about how long you think it will take, but that the meeting WILL last until things are figured out so you really need him to co-operate to get it done quickly. When you have the meeting have a very specific list. Ex. Putting off brushing your teeth, not getting his bag for taekwondo, not putting on his flip-flops at the pool to leave etc. Show him how many things are on the list then cross each one off when you are done. This way he'll be able to see an end in sight. When you address each issue, tell him what the problem is, what rule is being broke than ask why he does it and wait. When he doesn't answer or says he doesn't know, give him a possibility. Is it because you don't like the flavor of the toothpaste? Give him time to think about it and answer. If that's not it give another possibility until you come up with the reason, then try to fix the problem together. Some things you may have to tell him that you'll have to think about.

The important thing is to keep an attitude of trying to solve the problem for both of you not just for you, to truely be open to where he is coming from. Yes, this takes time and work, but if you consider how much time you are spending weekly trying to fix the problem for you, you actually end up saving time with better results for everyone. It also promotes an atmosphere of respect and co-operation that continues into the teenage years (my daughter is days shy of 16.) It helps diffuse the struggle that a child has for independence by working with his own personality and still getting the results you need in a way that works for him as well. It helps the child recognize the reasons for his own behavior and creates problem solving skills within him.

If you do follow my recommendations there is one warning. After a while he may try to talk to you about the problem at an inconvenient time, like when you need him to do something. You will have to simply tell him, I will definitely listen to you, but you will have to talk about it later, because right now I told you to do this and I need you to follow directions.

I hope this helps you. It has really worked well in my family. On an amusing note, there was a time when my daughter had a spell where she was breaking a multitude of rules and when I asked her what was wrong, she couldn't figure it out and none of my possibilities were right so she got frustrated and said it must be that "a witch cast a spell on her to be bad." It turned out that her dad was letting her stay up many hours past her bedtime when she was at his house and she was just extremely tired.

Katherine - posted on 07/09/2011

I'm having the same issues with my almost 6 year old. She doesn't listen to ANYTHING!


She's sassy

She's destructive

She's MEAN to her little sister

She's demanding

And the same thing with the food

I get sooo mad at her, there are a few times I spanked her butt :|

I couldn't stop myself. I too need some ideas.

JuLeah - posted on 07/08/2011

Sounds tough indeed. What do his teachers say? How is he when visiting friends? Are you seeing this across the board, or just in a few settings?

That answer to that might give you a clue as to what might be going on.

Maybe ask for feedback from others ... in the, "Does he do this with you? What do you do when he ...?

I worked with a kid once ... like you describe. I stoped talking. I signed to him. He had to stop talking and watch ... he wanted to know what I was saying, and caught on fast.

But, it broke the cycle of us talking over each other.

Conversation while eating is good :) Can't yell "I know" with a banana stuffed in your mouth.

Put on music, sing to him anything you want to say ....again just to break the cycle ... make a game of laughing after every 3rd word ....

I don't know ... just brainstorming here

Kelly - posted on 07/08/2011

Generally, when it is his think we are going to be late for, I let him be late, sit out of class, etc. but these issues are messing with my schedule. I needed to get home to cook dinner...I was hungry. I wanted to go to bed on time because I was sleepy. I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but I cannot spend my life waiting around for him. He doesn't eat, so he doesn't care if dinner is late, and he hates bedtime, so he loves to put that off. Natural consequences don't work then, but I just can't understand why he doesn't just do what he's told. His life would be much happier.

Right now he is in his room screaming and yelling because he turned his computer game off (PBS.org) I came into the library and said "5 minutes, then time for math."
He asked if he could leave it on while he did his math. I said no, because it was loud and I needed to use that computer. I saw that he was not logged in, so I said "If you log in, you can save it and come back to it later."
He said no, and told me that wouldn't work (when I knew perfectly well that it would--he was lying), so I said, "You can turn it off, or you can log in. I don't care."
So he turned it off and flew into a rage. He did not use his 5 minutes of his own accord, but was mad at me for making him turn it off. I tried to explain that the whole reasoning behind the 5 minute warning was so that he could finish up, but he was yelling, so I sent him away until he finished with that. I really do not understand the yelling, it accomplishes nothing and puts everyone in a sour mood.

He is 6 years old. I don't understand this defiance, and half the time I can't tell if he is doing it on purpose, or if he purely doesn't understand, so I don't know how to deal with it.....toddler stage was easier :P

JuLeah - posted on 07/07/2011

You hit the nail with number 1.



As a parent, you have about 10 words max. After that, they are not listening, tuning you out, or screaming "I know" to scilence your voice.



I think you are just using way too many words.



Take action ... use no words - try that and see what happens.



So, he is late ... so he forgets something ... you guna follow him around all of his life nagging?



If he sticks his hand in the flame and you take the burn, how is he ever guna learn to keep his hands back?



He forgets his jacket, he gets cold and next time remembers without you nagging.



He is late for an event, he deals with the consequences ... they are his, he earned them, let him have them.



Don't make him dependent on you for this stuff. Help him to have a life and be independent.

Jenni - posted on 07/07/2011

Oh, one more thing, concerning the being on time or leaving. Focus on the positives of changing location. The fun things he gets to do when he gets home. His friends at taekwondo he gets to see, or a new move they're going to be working on. I'm hoping this will work with a 6 year old, it works on my kids when they are refusing to perform a task before we go or come home.

Jenni - posted on 07/07/2011

Well, I am by no means experienced with school-aged children. Mine are still toddlers and preschoolers. But yes, I totally get I'm beginning to sound like a broken record or I'm beginning to hate the sound of my own voice. lol Even though my kids are younger, when I start telling them why they shouldn't.... I can tell that the look on their face is "blah, blah, blah...." So instead I try to ask questions. If they've heard it a million times before. "Do you remember why we shouldn't do this or that?" You'll probably still get the 'eye roll' Yes, mom. But have him put it into his own words. Try to watch your tone. I know when someone is reprimending me for a behaviour, like my hubby lol the tone he'll use usually makes me think: "blah blah blah, nag nag nag" (as I'm sure it's vice versa). Same goes for kids. So try to stay as upbeat as possible and ask questions more than give answers (especially if he already knows the answer).



Does he really enjoy taekwondo? I would tell him ahead of time. If he is going to be late then we're not going. I know this may be tough on you too. But perhaps, it might only take one or two times of not going that he gets the message. I did this with my son the last two days. We go outside every morning while my daughter takes her nap. It's his job to pick up his toys before going outside. Well the last 2 days he balked it and was too slow. By the time he finished my daughter was up from her nap. So we didn't get to go outside. It sucked for me as well, because I had yard work to do. But today I when it was time to pick up his toys, I reminded him how he didn't pick them up fast enough and we weren't able to go outside yesterday. This time he did and told me how fast he was going.



Kids diddle daddle. They don't understand time and schedules and appointments. So for the most part, you'll just have to do the best you can and use logical consequences for being late or not finishing a task according to your time. I know it's tough on the family to forgo the bedtime story. But I feel you're doing the right thing. What I would try is to encourage him to do these things well before they need to be done. Give him an extra 10-15 mins. (I actually use this trick on my mom who's always late, I'll tell her she needs to be at a certain place an hour before she actually has to be there. pffft!)



As far as the attitude goes. Act like you don't hear it. Say: "Oh I'm sorry, are you talking to me? I can't understand you when you speak to me in that tone. If you want me to hear you please use a nicer tone." Then ignore any request until he can ask nicely for it. I mean, would you respond to someone in the adult world who's giving you attitude? Or would you not hear their words because you're too pissed off with their attitude?



Try to model the behaviour you expect from him. I'm not saying you do this, I have no idea! But be cautious that your not ordering him around too too much. He may reflect the behaviour by ordering you around. I've had to be more cautious with that myself as I found my children were starting to bark orders at me! If he complains about the food and orders you to the store. I would suggest ignoring the comment. In the same way you'd ignore any other rude request. Another, "I don't hear your words when you speak to me that way."



Model the correct way to speak to people. You could also try repeating his comment or request back to him in the polite tone and with manners. That is how we ask for it or that is how you can say it so people will listen to you.



Well that's all I got! Hopefully, I've offered something useful. ;)

Kelly - posted on 07/07/2011

The other common issue is rude speech. Not cursing or anything, but rather an entitled, demanding tone that I do not accept.

Something like "I don't like any of the food we have, you need to go to the store."
Of course, I'm not going to the store, and I'm certainly not going to buy the food he wants there (candy & junk), so I tell him so, but it is not the demand for different food that is the problem, it is the way he said it.......for that, I might lecture.

I do TRY to keep it short, but saying "you need to be polite" or "watch your tone" seems insufficient. I'm not sure if he knows what the proper way to speak to someone is.....if he did, why wouldn't he use the correct tone all the time?

Kelly - posted on 07/07/2011

Most of the time, the issue is not doing what I tell him to in a timely manor. Some examples:

I have to tell him several times to get his bag for taekwondo and get into the car. We end up being late, which doesn't seem to bother him at all, but it bothers me.

At the pool, I tell him several times to put his shoes on--they are flip flops, all he has to do is slide his foot in.

I have to tell him several times to brush his teeth. At night he looses a bedtime story because he used the story time by postponing the teeth brushing, but I hate that because it ruins bedtime and we all go to bed in a sour mood. In the morning, we end up being late.

I don't think I lecture, I keep things short. I usually say something like "When I tell you to do something, you need to do it the first time I ask. Why did you delay?"
He rarely answers the question....in fact, he's never told me why he doesn't do it the first time, so I'm left to figure it out on my own. Thus, I assume that he doesn't understand when I mean for him to do the thing I'm asking him to do, so I say something like "I ask you to do things at the moment I want you to do them, I do not intend for you to wait a few minutes before doing them."

I admit, I do sound like a broken record, so not understanding when to do what I asked must not be the problem, but I cannot think of another reason he would deliberately not do it.

Jenni - posted on 07/07/2011

What are examples of forbidden behaviours he is engaging in that he knows not to, Kelly?

Also are you lecturing him? Or asking him questions about the behaviour?

Kelly - posted on 07/07/2011

Please? Somebody help me....