Is this okay? To tell the truth

Shannintipton - posted on 06/27/2011

Ashley, That makes perfect sense. I will say you won't get in AS MUCH trouble. I like it. I like it a lot. Thanks

Ashley=) - posted on 06/27/2011

I always say you don't get in as much trouble if you tell the truth.It works.I never say you don't get in to trouble.As thats not teaching them anything.You tell the truth and you still get a punishment for what you did but i tell them i am proud the told the truth but disappointed they did what they did.For example..be mean to there sibling etc..If it makes any sense.

Shannintipton - posted on 06/25/2011

Good point. It is hard for me to think like that at a moments notice. That is why I am here. To retrain my brain. They do seem to make the same type of mistakes so this is all good stuff. Thanks ladies keep it coming :)

JuLeah - posted on 06/25/2011

If you took the tootsie rolls away, she got into trouble ....

Don't set them up like that. It teaches them to lie.

If you didn't hear him call someone a name, just remind him of the rule. Use it as a teaching moment, "You must have been angry. What were you angry about .... what did you want to happen? .... what might you have done instead of calling her a name? .....

The truth maybe is not really want you are after, and I don't see it as all that important in the situations you outlined ... you want them more to know their truth .... we all lie and it is an important skill and part of our culture.

"How are you doing?"

Well, you might be having a really bad day, but is that was the stranger at the bank wants to hear? No, she expects you to say, "fine and how are you?"

Focus your energies on 'catching them' in the act of doing what you want.

And, assume the best. If you had said to your daughter when you suspected she had taken all the candy, "Mama said just one. Check you hands and make sure that is all you took" She might have put four back becuase you would have been giving her a way out, not backing her into a corner ...

Gina - posted on 06/25/2011

It does depend on what she's done, my daughter is 13 though, so really I choose my battles! She has a temper, when she yells at me, she goes to her room,when she back chats, she misses some TV,if she lies she misses her favourite show.Since she's older she knows to tell me the truth and I'm not unreasonable, though been a teenager she's starting to be!

Shannintipton - posted on 06/25/2011

Thanks Gina, but does she still get in trouble but not as much. Just wondering. Thanks again.

Gina - posted on 06/25/2011

I haven't read any other post because I haven't the time. Shannin I do this with my daughter, I tell her if you lie, it will be much worse.So she knows her lying will get her in more trouble than just admitting what she has done.She learnt pretty quickly that the punishment just for the lie is worse than just admitting the truth the first time,so now she admits what she's done and I deal with it.She knows I'm proud of her for been honest and it makes her feel good.

Shannintipton - posted on 06/25/2011

Thank you Riana, I also use the twinkle in the eye story. Works like a .......twinkle.

Riana - posted on 06/25/2011

Only read the post and not all the replies as havn't got enough time but Shannin I think you are going about it exactly right I do the same I always ALWAYS offer my kids the chance to come clean. They have to know that they can always trust me with the truth however hard it might be.

It's all about the way you approach it, I never punish them when they tell the truth but I do talk to them at lengh about do they think it was the right thing to do, why they think not, why they felt they had to lie, what they think they can do to make it better ect. ect. and although I don't punish them there are still natural consequences, and sometimes logical consequences that apply regardlessly.

So: you took 5 tootie rolls, you can't possibly eat them all so you've come clean and told the truth and I'm proud of you for that, you still have to put 4 back - NOTE that I'm not taking them YOU have to put them back and again I'm proud of you as I know it's a hard thing for you to do and yes I am a softie so likely after dinner I would give her an extra one to show there is reward in doing the right thing and it doesn't go unnoticed.

Shannintipton - posted on 06/24/2011

Duhhh. I have a little story about lying. This is by Jenn H. If they are lying you tell them that you can see a twinkle in their eyes. Then they wont look you in the eye or cover their eyes. There is more to the story but I am tired. Its hot.



** add to edit



It also works in reverse. My son was telling his friend we were signing up for gamefly. I thought he was wishful thinking not lying persay. Turns out it was true and I said I thought you were making that up. He said Mom did you see a twinkle in my eyes. I had to laugh. I love that twinkle story. It really works. LOL

Karen - posted on 06/24/2011

I like the website ahaparenting.com. Her response to a question of about a 4 year old lying,
"Lying is developmentally normal for a four year old. It is much more common in children who are punished, because they lie to avoid punishment. But even kids who are not punished do not want to disappoint us, but do want what they want. They WISH that both things could be true at once. So when we ask "Did you wash your hands?" they answer "Yes." What can you do?

1. Don't ask, tell. "I see your hands are dry."

2. Recognize their wish. "I know you wish you had washed your hands."

3. Stick to your limits. "I know you wish you had washed your hands, but they are still dry. Let's go get those germs off!"

Shannintipton - posted on 06/24/2011

Constance, I like posting the rules on the wall. Especially since it is summer and I have any where from one to four kids. Three of them boys, they like to rough house. I don't like it. So I think I will post rules so they can all read it before they play each and every day. Thanks.

Shannintipton - posted on 06/24/2011

Thanks ladies. FYI the tootie rolls are gone. Yeah they were messing me up. In the situation when she had five. I did give her the one and asked if we could say the others for her brother. (I know not much better) So we saved them.

I do arts and crafts at Christmas time. We make trains. Bubble gum coins for the wheels, five stick of gum for the body. A hersheys kiss for the smoke stack. Etc. So I need to hide that stuff better. The tootsie rolls where in there I think from Halloween. I am not sure. But they are gone. I forgot where I was going with this sorry. Thanks for your help ladies.

Constance - posted on 06/24/2011

With tootsie roll thing. You should have let her keep one because you told her she could have 1 not 5.. When it is a situation like that then you can tell her for the truth, and she won't get in trouble if tells the truth. Then when she does tell her that your are proud that she told the truth but she is only allowed the 1 piece. Then let her know if it happens again she will be say timeout and will not be able to have any. Yes make sure you follow through with what you say so that she knows what will happen the next time. As long as you follow thrue then she will do as you have instructed.
As far as name calling samething you need to sit down with hubby to decide what will and will not be allowed. Then decide on the consequense and as a unit you need to sit down and go over the rules with the kids. I would make it clear that if they lie it will increase the punishment but if they tell the truth then they will only be punished for the rule they broke. Then follow thru with the punishment.
Make sure you post on the wall where they can always see it as a reminderr and what the punishment will be. If you put out that calling names will not be allowed then you still have to give punishment or they behavior will continue.

Chatty - posted on 06/24/2011

I hate to say this but you need to STOP with the tootsie rolls....lmfao. You're setting you and your kids up for failure. You don't want them to only tell the truth when they're bribed, do you? You want them to learn that telling the truth will still have consequences, but mommy still loves them and THAT won't change. They need to feel safe to confide in you, not bribed. I'm sorry if it seems like I'm lecturing you?!

And, after you told her she could have them all if she just told the truth, and then you took them away anyhow? That is SO confusing for a kid. You're teaching her that she can't trust YOU to tell the truth. In that instance, as much as I hate bribes, you should have let her keep all 5 of them. I might have suggested she only be allowed to eat 1 and save the rest for another time, but they were hers. She did what you wanted.

Lissa gave you some great suggestions and I agree, telling the truth doesn't excuse them from consequences. You "reward" them for telling the truth by giving them a hug and thanking them. Open a dialogue about why they lied and explain that lying ALWAYS has consequences.

Lissa - posted on 06/24/2011

It depends on what happened, firstly you need to seperate the lie from what it was they lied about. What would you normally do about calling his sister names? Do that first then sit down and have a chat about lying.
Talk about that knot in your stomach you get when you lie, that's guilt, when you feel that you know you are not making good choices. Talk about how lying upsets you, I was lied to a few days ago by my youngest for the first time. We talked about the effects of lying, simply if you lie then people will have a hard time believing you when you tell the truth. If you lie the situation will get worse, ask him what's the worst thing he thinks will happen if he lies. Get him to understand that lying does not get you out of trouble but actually gets him into trouble. If I think a child is not telling the truth I just look at them and say really is that what happened, I'm going to give you a few minutes to think about it then ask you again. Normally they just cave because they know they are caught out.
I would try that first you may have to have this conversation a few times. If it becomes a habit then you need to put consequences in place.