Misconceptions of Positive Parenting

Jess - posted on 11/30/2010 ( 23 moms have responded )

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It has come to my attention that all of my positive parenting friends exist only in the realm of COM's ! Which is truly sad, I wish more of the people in my life shared my views on disciplining with respect and love. But by being around so many non believers I have had to deal with my fair share of misconceptions and I wanted to see what other people have had to deal with also.

I recently moved back in with my parents, both of whom are huge fans of smacking. When I was a child my parents favourite line was "I'll give you something to cry for", I can't imagine saying that to Ava, it would just break my heart.

One of the biggest misconceptions I have come across is that our children have no rules, no consequences and run wild. But this is far from the truth ! My daughter is incredibly well behaved, she has the best manners at just 15 months, she always say's "tah", and even insists on other people saying "tah" to her ! She say's "tah", when sharing toys with children her own age, its the cutest thing !

My father said to me today after Ava starting to complain when I was putting her shoes on, that "I just let her get away with everything and that's why she throughs a tantrum at the slightest thing".

I politely explained to him that Ava is 1 and has no interest in wearing shoes and has no concept of patients. So she complains about sitting still for 2 seconds not because of the shoes. She has no communication skills to say that she wants to hop down and play, so she cries and whines to get her point across. I also threw in for good measure that he hasn't seen anything yet if he thinks 2 seconds of whining is a tantrum because she can really put on a performance when she wants to.

I hate that people think everything can and should be solved with a smack !

What comments and misconceptions have you had to deal with when people learnt that you choose not to smack ?

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23 Comments

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Riana - posted on 12/22/2010

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I think the biggest misconception about positive parenting is that we are trying to raise perfect children. It is almost as though because we dare to be different we now constantly need to proof how perfectly behaved our children are otherwise it is considered that we have failed.

With children who are smacked it's fine for them to misbehave because the world seems to find justification in the punishment. It's like “Sure my children misbehave but at least I do something about it” NO!!!!!!! I also do something about it! You just can't see it because you have been brainwashed for years and refuse to step out of your silly little box of preconceived ideas!

I just wish the world can start to see my children as normal kids who misbehave like all kids do. My actions are preventative yours is reactive, but in the end they are all just kids. The difference does not lie in my children’s perfect behavior it lies in the quality or our relationships and lives as a whole. I hate that people can't get that.

Sorry am venting again. Guess it’s obvious that I just got back from holiday with family and friends and find it a little frustrating.

Got into an argument with a friend again the other day and he said to me “I've read all these books and all but sometimes smacking is the only thing that works” I replied with “I am happy that you have given it a considerable amount of thought but I think you meant to say sometimes smacking is the only thing that works for YOU as YOU am not capable or simply can’t be bothered to fine better solutions. But please understand that your lack of finding better solutions does NOT mean that they do not exist.”

Emily - posted on 12/20/2010

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I get so angry over in the Welcome community.. I see all the time moms assuming that if you don't spank/smack that means you must not have any rules or discipline. I don't understand what is so hard about the concept of positive discipline without smacking. Really. Luckily in "real life" I have a lot of like-minded friends and family, so I am grateful in that way.

Meghan - posted on 12/14/2010

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my b/f is very close to his nephews and his brother and SIL are yellers and spankers. He was over at the house one day and Joshua went to pass me my coffee and he accidentally dropped it. My main concern was that he would have burnt himself (thank goodness I don't like my coffee hot). J apologized right away and I said its okay, but we have to clean it up. We grabbed a towel and started to clean. I thanked him, told him to be more careful and hugs and kisses. My b/f was AMAZED that I didn't freak out over the mess. I really didn't understand why...how can I get mad at him for trying to do something nice, but having an accident? Plus, had I freaked out, J mite not be so inclined to get me the remote when I am too lazy to get off the couch (haha j/k...kinda)

Jessica - posted on 12/10/2010

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I hate the misconceptions. I agree its seems like the absolute biggest one I hear/read about is that we let our children run wild and get away with anything they want. Pisses me off.

I mean, its hard. I've never wanted or been tempted to hit Kieran but I do yell more than I'd like. Funny how Dawna mentioned in her family, you aren't a "good parent" if you don't hit or yell daily. When I slip up and yell at my 18 month old, I feel like the worst parent in the world! But overall our approach with him so far has been positive and respectful, and I really think it shows. I mean, he's 18 months, so yeah he has tantrums and typical toddler behaviors, but I don't think that's "bad." He listens to us. If we ASK him to do something, 9 times out of 10 he does it. He's sweet and empathetic. My BIL/SIL's 2 year old twins on the other hand. They yell at them for EVERYTHING. I mean they do one little thing wrong, and BIL is yelling or smacking their hands. And they "act out" a lot more too. DH and I were kind of laughing about it the other day because Kieran listens to us so much more and all we do is ask him.

Angela - posted on 12/08/2010

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New here and had to jump on in this conversation! I think it is mind boggling how so many people give there opinions as to how to raise other people's children! I wonder if some people do this because they feel insecure with themselves and or just unaware.
For me I try the positive approach. First I listen and then I state a thank you for your interest in my children. Depending on the situation I may just leave it at that and say not anymore. If I feel the person really wants to hear it I will explain my approach and even give websites and reading ideas for them to research for themselves. I find that this usually keeps them quiet and I don't hear about it anymore. I am lucky my family here in NL are not hitters or yellers. However my Mother and my side of the family in general in the States are the smackers. When I had a summer visit at home my step Dad repeatedly said my at the time 19 month old daughter needed a spanking. I simply stated not anyone will hit or spank my daughter and that I am the only one who will discipline her. I knew it was a waste of breath to explain so I did not go on further to do so. I could feel and hear their disapproval but I am confident enough to not care and do what I feel is best for my Children.
I also got grief for so called letting my oldest get a piercing! I was like I never let her she just did it when she was 18 an adult and that was it. I am not going to be angry at her for her choice for herself as adult over a few piercings. My step Dad said he would not allow her in the house if it was his kid looking like that! I again ignored it! So when my Mom asked when my oldest would visit them I simply stated not anytime soon that they were too judgmental and I feared they would hurt her. She was stumped for words and I was glad to leave that house!

Chatty - posted on 12/07/2010

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I agree!

Caroline - posted on 12/07/2010

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Hi Dawna, you must be very proud to have such a thoughtful kind daughter, and I would say she is trying to pass on what she has been taught about how to behave to other children rather than she is bossy-sounds like you have done a fantastic job x

Dawna - posted on 12/06/2010

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my family is a big "spanking and yelling" family. for most of them, if you don't yell at or spank your child daily, your not a good parent. they make their thoughts well-known on these issues. i usually don't bother sharing my thoughts much, because there is no point. they use the bible as their defense, and no one can argue with that. i don't feel the need to go crazy trying to convert them to my non-religious lifestyle, so i don't bother.

i, however, have the advantage of being a SAHM. so, i'm really the one with my daughter all day, so it only matters what i and my husband think. luckily, my in-laws agree. well, my MIL, anyway, i think my FIL would like to see more intimidation and sternness (but no hitting/yelling). :)

i haven't really had to justify my parenting style w/my family, because my daugther is usually the best-behaved kid at our family gatherings. she's polite, kind, and usually prefers to back away from a fight. thanksgiving day gave me some gratification that what i'm doing is working when, while the other children continually fought and hit, my daughter would leave the room to go entertain herself or go in to tell the other kids they needed to be nice to each other. ok, so maybe she's bossy, but hey, i can live with that for now.

Caroline - posted on 12/06/2010

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I totally agree. My husband said the other day he can see how much our son respects me, because even though he can tend to play up more with me as we are together all the time (it can seem that sometimes I am the softer parent, apparently) Scott does know that he doesn't really get away with his naughtiness. He does catch me out sometimes-clever little cookies aren't they x

Jess - posted on 12/05/2010

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Caroline, you are so right about positive parenting taping into children's intellect. Ava is 15 months old and follows verbal directions fantastically *most of the time*, most people can't believe the things she will do with me simply just asking her !

I think positive parenting requires the parent and child to interact a lot more and communicate. And giving those verbal directions from a very young age helps them to understand sooner.

The other day I said to Ava, "We are going upstairs now for your bath, you would like to climb the stairs?" She started crying and threw herself to the ground because she didn't want to stop playing. I got her level and said "we are going upstairs for your bath, either you walk up the stairs or I will carry you. Which would you like? She looked away from me and continued with her tantrum. I scooped her up and carried her up the stairs.

The misconception about positive parenting would be that when she cried she got to keep playing and didn't have to have the bath. But really its about me making the decision that she is having a bath, but allowing her to decide how she got there. The way she got there was irrelevant so why not let her decide? Give her some control without giving her all the control.

Caroline - posted on 12/04/2010

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also, having rules and routine help with a child knowing where they are and what is expected of them in a given situation or time xx

Caroline - posted on 12/04/2010

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My son is 2 years and 4 months and is extremely receptive to being talked to even though I don't think he realises it yet. If he is doing something I don't want him to there are two choices. I think it is a combination of distraction tactics and lesson in choosing what you do to get the reaction you would like in the form of praise or something else. He is always trying to assert himself as all children do but in the end knows that the choice he has decides the consequences. He is a strong willed and assertive character and I am proud of him, and think that positive parenting taps into the childs intelligence and helps them think things through (whether they realise that or not at a young age), and begins the teaching of coping strategies and exploring options later in life rather than just thinking anger is the only response which leave little or no option. It does work :-)

Chatty - posted on 12/03/2010

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JuLeah, I can't believe that someone actually suggested that your daughter was well-behaved because you spank her.....lmao.....that's the dumbest thing I've heard in a while!

Chatty - posted on 12/03/2010

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I think I'm extremely lucky, with Roxanne and my family and support system. I'm pretty sure they all agree with how I choose to discipline her and if they don't, they've never said anything. It's something I'm passionate about so a lot of the time its our topic of conversation at the dinner table. My mom, my SIL and I are always discussing parenting and discipline techniques.

JuLeah - posted on 12/01/2010

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All you mention. People see my daughter and don't believe I have never hit her.Someone even asked her, in front of me. She is well mannered and they said, "Your Mamma spanks you when you are bad, right?"
My daughter said, "Sometimes I break the rules and sometimes I mess up, but Mamma never thinks I am bad."
I make a point of seperating the kid from the behavior, right, so it is not "I don't like you, but I don't like this behavior"
Anyway, the people were shocked and concluded I was lucky I had such a good kid becuase most kids with no rules would just run wild.

Meghan - posted on 12/01/2010

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I agree with you, I hate that people think J just runs around like he is freak "Lord of the flies" or something. The same ppl. that have said that later turn around and compliment his manners. Bunch of fools is what they are

Jess - posted on 12/01/2010

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I love that Maddi sums up ours mother group adventours so well ! Its not Stanley's fault he loves Ava so much he wants to keep clumps of her hair and she really doesn't mind. She doesn't even cry anymore. Stan gives the biggest and bestest hugs ever !!! I think Ava secretly temps Stanley to do naughty things so she can play with all his toys without having to share with him, hehehe

Madelaine happens to by my real life bestie and we have mothers group together.. just us and our babies because we really don't give a crap about other peoples kids ! *except on here of course*

Madelaine - posted on 12/01/2010

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I advocate PP, whether the mummies around me believe it or not. My son is a strong-willed, independent, active, adventurous, sweet, loving, tantrum-throwing, table dancing, hair pulling, shrieking typical TODDLER. He is not naughty. He is not willful, or disobedient, he is curious and he wants to know WHY. He is also pre-verbal, so our discussions usually end in me saying '2 minutes then we are doing something else' and him getting his time to explore, play, learn....then we happily move on to our next adventure.
Unfortunately, he is also under-socialised, so when we play with other kids i have to watch him like a hawk and often wrench him off smaller kids. When he pulls hair, which is guaranteed, i am at a loss....so i smack his hand after i prise his chubby fingers off the victim. Do i like doing it? Not for one second. Do i feel vindicated? No, i feel mean and confused. Do i have any other options... well yes, but how do i react appropriately to mollify the mummy of the other child when my child will repeat his behaviour over and over? We all WANT to be great parents, but its not easy all the time. I only smack my childs hand when there are other kids in his grasp, i feel absolutely no need to do it at any other time. In my opinion, my son is well behaved within the confines of his outgoing, gregarious personality. Im afraid people dont see this, which is why i am always confused as to how to deal with him.
Wow, what a ramble. I think im making a point in there somewhere....or maybe im just venting. Happy reading ;)

Nikki - posted on 11/30/2010

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On the occasion that it has been brought up I always get the same response "oh yeah your right, you have studied child development and worked with kids for 10 years so you know everything!" hmm maybe I am slightly patronising in my responses, who cares I am right. Arrogant much!

Nikki - posted on 11/30/2010

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I personally haven't had too many problems, no one ever brings up the subject with me.... possibly because they don't want the lecture and I can bury them under hours of research to support my claim!! lol

Nikki - posted on 11/30/2010

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I haven't read your whole post yet Jess I just got to the part "I'll give your something to cry about" that sentence gives me the creeps!

Jo - posted on 11/30/2010

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There are some people that drive me crazy with their 'implications' everytime they visit.



If I let Gabe watch a cartoon instead of something I would prefer to watch, I'm letting him have too much control.



If he has a temper tantrum and I kneel down to talk with him to his face, I'm letting him get away with too much.



If I don't yell at him, I'm not teaching him that I'm the boss.



I've stopped bothering to listen to any of them, honestly. Their parenting and mine are polar opposites and I've actually said to some of them that I like it when they tell me how they would do it - cause if I'm doing the opposite, then I know I'm making the right decision. They didn't like that, to say the least.

Jaime - posted on 11/30/2010

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My aunts insisted that I would have to bite Gray to teach him not to bite, but I quickly corrected that thinking. They are very much aware that I do not use physical reprimand and it's likely why they won't spend much time with him.