Our better halves...

Riana - posted on 09/09/2010 ( 34 moms have responded )

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Its a subject that has been coming up a lot in the conversations lately and I am very much for parenting being a team effort (no offence meant to single moms who I have a HUGE amount of respect for!)

So I though a good way to get to know each other is some background information on our partners/husbands/ex-husbands or fathers-to-our-children ;-)

I'll go first, feel free to add questions if you feel I've skiped something:

Relationship status: happily married
Partners name: Kobus
Kids: Annika (9) and Kobus (5) - men and their silly family names
Is your partner pro/anti smacking: Pro
Would you describe him as a positive or negative parrent: Definatly positive
How do you deal with your parenting differences: We agree to disagree
What role do each of you play in the kids upbringing: Mom 65% Dad 35% - although it remains a fact that I have more control than him (like Nicky I lean torward being a control freak at times) but as the kids grow up I am trying to stop interfering with the relationship between him and his kids. I'm trying for the ideal 50:50 balance but also know we will never really get there LOL

What was the parenting style of your parents: Anti smacking, interactive and positive
Your partners parents/In-laws: Very conservative and pro-smacking, my parents in law are very dear but old fasioned people
How do you deal with parenting differences with family and in-laws: I don't have parenting differences with my family surprise surprise LOL with my in-laws I just avoid the subject entirely, I can't bring it up without insulting them and I choose not to insult them. Not the right way I know but it keeps the peace.

Looking forward to reading yours ;-)

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

I'm LOVING Barbara Coloroso's "Kids are worth it!".....it totally makes sense and gives some really great real-life examples of what to do and more importantly what NOT to do and why. Chad's going to read it next. I think Nathan will enjoy it! Good luck, Nikki.....glad to hear he's being more open-minded.

Riana - posted on 09/10/2010

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I don't have the answers Dana. Truth is I don't know.

My husband is very clear on where I stand, I have told him I'll move out if he ever spanks my children LOL he knows I'm joking but also respects how important it is to me.

My in-laws is a whole different matter, they are very conservative and have no idea what my beliefs are. Obviously they can see that I am a positive parent but we have never openly discused it and never will. My mother in law once brought up how dissipline in a house depends on a the mother and I got up and left the room LOL I think I got the message across that the subject is not open for discussion *giggles*

But yes it used to freak me out to leave my kids with them 'just in case' anything went wrong but they are not monsters they are lovely people and in 10 years they have never spanked my kids or disrespected Kobus and me as parents in any way. To be fair, my kids are reasonably well behaved most of the time so maybe it has never been necesary (at least thats what I would like to believe LOL)

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Jess - posted on 09/25/2010

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Relationship status: Seperated
Partners name: John
Kids: Ava - 13 months
Is your partner pro/anti smacking: Pro smacking, but his coming around to my way of thinking.
Would you describe him as a positive or negative parent: Positive

How do you deal with your parenting differences? The one time John smacked Ava he ended up doing a time out too !

What role do each of you play in the kids upbringing: I would 50/50. We both have our own little task's that we do with Ava but she is always showered with attention.

What was the parenting style of your parents? Pro-smacking, the harder the better. And for really bad behaviour we got the belt.


Your partners parents/In-laws: I know when they had their kids they were pro smacking but as they have aged they have mellowed a lot and I can't imagine them even giving Ava so much as a time out. They are far to smitten with her and everything she does is perfect in their eyes.

How do you deal with parenting differences with family and in-laws? I've made my position on this matter very clear and I'm not backing down. My mother has said if my daughter miss behaves and she feels the offence is smack worthy than she will ask me to take her home. I know she won't though ! My daughter - my rules.

Charlie - posted on 09/17/2010

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Relationship status: engaged
Partners name:Jamie
Kids: Cooper and Harry
Is your partner pro/anti smacking: anti smacker
positive or negative parent: Definatly positive
How do you deal with your parenting differences: we are on the same page
What role do each of you play in the kids upbringing: Mum 50% Dad 50%

What was the parenting style of your parents: mum -pro smacker , negative Dad- anti smacker , positive , interactive .
Your partners parents/In-laws: anti smackers , loving , funny awesome FIL , MIL - a little cold !
How do you deal with parenting differences with family and in-laws: I am polar opposites to my mother , my dad im similar as well as my Fiances Dad but i get the sense his mother my MIL is a little cold towards her boys at times ..

Krista - posted on 09/17/2010

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I've been back to work since April. Keith and I are half-and-half for the most part as far as duties go, but Sam tends to gravitate more towards me for comfort, so if he wakes in the middle of the night, for instance, it's just easier for me to go to him, because he won't settle back down as easily with his dad as he does with me.

Krista - posted on 09/15/2010

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Oh frig, Jo's here. I'm leaving.

J/K.

Relationship status: happily married
Partners name: Keith
Kids: Samuel - 13 months
Is your partner pro/anti smacking: Pro, but only as a quick shock/deterrent if the child is about to seriously harm himself/someone else.
Would you describe him as a positive or negative parrent: Very positive -- he loves nothing more than making our little guy laugh.
How do you deal with your parenting differences: We hash it out, but he tends to defer to me more often than not.
What role do each of you play in the kids upbringing: I'm rather like Riana in that due to being home with Sam for a year, I got a little too used to doing things my way. So right now I play a larger role, but I'm really trying to be more hands-off and to let Keith do things his way.
What was the parenting style of your parents: Authoritative but loving, with the odd smack for really serious infractions (like the time I almost set the house on fire).
Your partners parents/In-laws: Very loving, not anti-smacking, but see it solely as a last resort.
How do you deal with parenting differences with family and in-laws: My mom interferes sometimes, and I just try to stay firm with her while still acknowledging her experience. My in-laws are great about following our lead and sticking to our rules, which is especially nice seeing as they live next door and see Sam very often.

?? - posted on 09/14/2010

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Thanks Dana ♥ Glad to be here, there's always room to learn and reading some of the posts around here, I think I might have to talk to Devon about re-arranging some of things we currently utilize in our parenting to try some different / other / new techniques ♥

?? - posted on 09/14/2010

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Hi, new here ! Hello!

About us :)

Relationship Status; common law since January 2008
Partners name; Devon
Kids; Gabriel (22 months)

Is your partner pro/anti smacking; I don't think he knows. He says things like "If you keep that up, I'm gonna spank your butt!" but never goes through with it. I honestly think he means it in a joking way cause he usually ends up 'attacking' our son with tickles and play spanking instead of getting frustrated.

Would you describe him as a positive or negative parent; Positive

How do you deal with your parenting differences; we talk things through a lot. He's very young (just turned 22 - I'm 26) and he had literally zero interaction with children, let alone any desire to ever have children when I found out I was pregnant... so he's learning as we go.

What role do each of you play in the kids upbringing; I'm the guiding role and he's the provider role. I stay at home with our son and he works 12 hour days. Evenings and weekends he splits his time between doing things with us and doing the manly thing of keeping up the house (plus we're doing renovations so his 'free time' is spent working on the house). He's a carpenter.

What was the parenting style of your parents; my mom is the guiding role and my dad is the provider role. They did believe in spanking but it was a consequence, not a punishment. Ex: we got 3 warnings, time out, grounding, the removal of toys and privileges and then if we were still acting up my mom would say "If you do that again, I will spank your butt." Usually the warnings and time out were enough for us to stop, but if we happened to continue on with whatever we were doing, and she gave us that final warning and STILL pushed on, then she would go through with the spanking. I can count on less than 1 hand the amount of times all 6 of us kids were spanked. It rarely happened. My dad was the 'good guy' "ask your mom" "lets go play catch instead" kinda dad. He worked A LOT. A lot. But when he was home, he was always doing stuff with us.

Your partners parents/In-laws: Ugh. Just ugh. Devon harbors a lot of resentment towards his mom, who has told him more than once that she never wanted him and that he made her life harder than she wanted it to be. They have dealt with some issues and they are civil with each other but their relationship is shaky to say the least. His dad is better, but very materialistic. Constantly dishing on Devon about not saving enough money (even though we JUST spent $10,000 on a house that Devon saved up in less than 6 months). They love our son to death, but, because they love him so much, it makes Devon feel even that much more rejected - his mom shows his son more attention than she ever showed him. It hurts him.

How do you deal with parenting differences with family and in-laws: I have no problems telling them what we want for our son. Everyone knows in our respective families; if they don't like how we parent our son, they don't have to come around. And if I find out that any of them go against our way of parenting, they will not be allowed to be around our son unsupervised. They had their turn to raise their children, now we're raising ours the way we want to parent. Like it or leave it.

Becky - posted on 09/14/2010

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Relationship status: happily married
Partners name: Eric
Kids: Gavin (4) Aiden (22 months)
Is your partner pro/anti smacking: Anti-smacking
Would you describe him as a positive or negative parrent: Positive. Passive, even!
How do you deal with your parenting differences: We don't really have any, except that I think he's a bit too passive at times.
What role do each of you play in the kids upbringing: My husband works 55-60 hours per week, but when he is home, my oldest is with him constantly. They have a very sweet relationship. My youngest is still a momma's boy, but we try to take 1 on 1 time with each of them separately.
What was the parenting style of your parents: They spanked me when they felt I needed it, but I was a very obedient child who made sure I didn't need it much. My dad was more positive in that he didn't gripe or criticize. My mom was (and continues to be) very critical and negative.
Your partners parents/In-laws: Very positive. I strive to be more like my MIL.
How do you deal with parenting differences with family and in-laws: I have none with my in-laws. With my mom, I just tell her to buzz off about it. :D

[deleted account]

Haha, that's exactly why I'm reading them....everyone I've been talking to lately has mentioned them. I don't usually enjoy reading but I decided it couldn't be avoided!

Riana - posted on 09/14/2010

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You two ranting on about these books have made me want to read them now :-P will have to see if I can get hold of them.

[deleted account]

Well, I'm going to have to check out the other one too! Thanks Mylene. I'm also waiting for Alfie Kohn's, "Unconditional Parenting" to come in....I had to order it!

[deleted account]

The two I found were these:

Kids are worth it : [giving your child the gift of inner discipline]

Kids are worth it! : raising resilient, responsible, compassionate kids

I have put a hold on both of them at the library and can't wait!

[deleted account]

Mylene, I didn't realize she had two books, both titled "Kids are worth it!"? Interesting. Hmmmm....hang on, I'll be right back...gotta go grab it.

*long pause*

BACK! Ok, "raising resilient, responsible and compassionate kids"....which one do you have? I only saw this one but I'ma go do some research

P.S. I love your 50/50 arrangement with your hubby. Friends of ours have a very similar arrangement.

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@ Dana
I just put a hold on both her kids are worth it books at the library. Which one are you reading?

Relationship status: engaged
Partners name: Kevin
Kids: Shawn( 22 months), Step-sons: Nicko & Tony
Is your partner pro/anti smacking: anti-smacking

Would you describe him as a positive or negative parrent: Positive
How do you deal with your parenting differences: We discuss and sometimes just agree to disagree. I am trying to be more open-minded to his ideas and it's proven to be a challenge. I am SOOO stubborn but I have to see that his way often leads to good things even though it's different from mine. Shawn knows that some things are one way with Da and another with Mommy. The basic rules are the same but the way to get there can be different.

What role do each of you play in the kids upbringing: Mom 50% Dad 50% - Kevin prepares Shawn for daycare in the morning and drops him off and picks him up. We spend most of our free time as a family. I usually let Kevin sleep in Saturdays and I get to sleep in on Sundays. I make most meals since I finish work earlier. bed time and everything else is usually with both of us.

What was the parenting style of your parents: ugh, my dad just yelled for anything we did and anything we didn't do... name calling, etc. Never been smacked though. My mom... she would never say anything or just put us in our room to "reflect" on our actions.


Your partners parents/In-laws: I can't tell for sure but she was fairly permissive but still had discipline. Very good values and very focused on supporting one another.

How do you deal with parenting differences with family and in-laws: I don't. I don't discuss it with my in-laws or parents for that matter. My parents don't bother bringing it up anyway as I've expressed in the past that my children will not be raised like I was. My dad is just happy to be a grand-father and just goes with the flow. (my parents have been divorced for 15 years or so). My mom tries to help if I have any issues or questions but she doesn't step in. She is stubborn, I am worst so we just agree to disagree.

Nikki - posted on 09/11/2010

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I haven't really had to deal with it at this stage Dana, Issy is too young, plus we now live 2000kms away, so it's not an everyday issue. I do giggle when I see facebook "likes" such as "I would rather go to jail for spanking my kid, than my kid go to jail because I didn't!!" I am not going to bring it up until I really have too... I plan on Isobel being the perfect angel of course, therefore they would never need to smack her anyway!!

Exciting progress on the hubby front, we were discussing smacking last night and he listened!! hooray! he has even agreed to read a positive parenting book, so now, which is the easiest for a male to read and most importantly convinced? I have never read one, what's everyone's favourites?

Riana - posted on 09/10/2010

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I LOVE blueberries, can I move in?

Kobus now farms (for someone else, would love to have our own place but still trying to save enough) lattuce, sweet peppers, chillies, tomatoes and herbs. I love it, love the natural cycles of it, love the baby plants, new little veggies, fresh salads at home ect.

He has recently tried a few strawberries on a very small scale to see how it goes. The climate is completely wrong for it but the kids and me can't wait LOL

I recon that it is unfair that he gets to play outside all day and I have to stare at this stupid computer - it's just a pitty everything I plant dies :-(

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Riana, my dad is third generation blueberry farmer. He's got his agricultural/horticultural degree amoung several others. He's HUGELY involved in the farming industry and sort of the go-to-guy when it comes to farming blueberries. He's active on both the North American Blueberry Council as well as the BC Blueberry Council and travels all over north America given lectures, attending conferences etc. What does Kobus enjoy farming?

[deleted account]

Riana, Nikki....I'm curious. You say that you completely ignore the topic with your in-laws? Would you leave your children in their care? Wouldn't you be worried that they would choose to spank your child(ren)? At this point I'm assuming (excuse me if I'm wrong, that's why I'm asking) that your in-laws KNOW where you stand but you just don't talk about it further? How do you trust them....I'm having a hard time!

[deleted account]

Relationship status: Common Law
Partners name: Richard
Kids: Liam (10 months old)
Is your partner pro/anti smacking: Pro spanking if necessary
Would you describe him as a positive or negative parrent: Positive and can be negative at times
How do you deal with your parenting differences: We agree to disagree
What role do each of you play in the kids upbringing: Mom 85% Dad 15% - although sometimes I feel like I'm a single mother. He's usually pretty good though if I need to get away for the day or weekend.
What was the parenting style of your parents: Conservative and Pro spanking
Your partners parents/In-laws: conservative and pro-smacking - both come from very LARGE families (his mom family of 17 and his dad family of 11) and grew up on farms
How do you deal with parenting differences with family and in-laws: With both our families they are pretty respectful and usually ask first. If my family tries to tell me how to parent I take it for what it's worth and discard what I don't agree with and carry on doing what I'm doing. With Richard's family it's a little more complicated being that we cannot communicate with each other without Richard as our translator (they are French and I'm not fluent in that language..*sigh*). So, I pretty much do my own thing and if they don't approve I don't have to hear it. LOL

Richard works for the Federal Government and I'm in the Insurance Industry.

Riana - posted on 09/10/2010

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I love it Kelly, I always feel so guilty for not standing up for my believes with my in-laws. It's great to know that most of you have the same thing.

I just dearly love my husband and his family so I don't feel the fight is worth it. I don't agree with their opinions but they don't smack my children so I just let it be.

[deleted account]

Nice post!

Relationship Status: Happily Married :)
Partners Name: John
Kid: Jacob (5 years old--he'll be 6 yrs next month)

Is your partner pro/anti smacking. Unfortunately pro, but he doesn't smack our son.

Positive or Negative Parent: Positive :)

How do you deal with your parenting differences? That is something I am no longer okay with compromising on, so we do it my way. I have done the research, I show him the books, the studies, and articles that support my methods and ask for the same from him if he wants to do something differently (luckily there are very few books supporting smacking). He is an Industrial Software Engineer, so logic and studies work well for him :) Also, he works and I stay home, so I have to deal with the aftermath of the smacking, which for our son, is about 3 days of defiant behavior.

What role do each of you play in the kid's upbringing?
I think we are pretty close to 50/50. He works, but is home shortly after Jake gets out of school. He & Jake play while I cook dinner and clean the kitchen. The rest of the evening & weekends, we are pretty much all 3 together.
Before Jake started school (this is his first year), I probably parented more, but not enough to make a big impact--we spent a lot of time at activities, playdates, parks and such, which left me with a good bit of "mommy time" so John took him most of the afternoon back then to allow me to cook and clean up. I clean during the school day now, but back then, I had to wait for John to be home to do most of it b/c Jake would just trash the house after I cleaned it.

What was the parenting style of your parents: Pro spanking, VERY authoritative, when they were around.

What was the parenting style of you partner's parents: His dad was pro spanking, I am not sure about his mom. She has spanked her older 2 grandchildren before, but they were WAY out of hand, and she felt bad about it b/c she called me to confess...she's sweet and I love her to death!!

How do you deal with parenting differences with family and in-laws?
My father-in-law was far a way, so we didn't really have to. He is now deceased. My mother-in-law is very supportive of my parenting style, she never criticizes my methods or deviates from them. (I should mention that the parents of the children she smacked are Pro smacking, so she didn't defy them either).
My parents are a different story....I tread carefully because I don't want them to leave again. I have told my mom that spanking does not work well for Jake, makes him vengeful and defiant, and what I do instead. She has mentioned that I am too easy on him. She says she understands, but she has told me I needed to pop him on more than one occasion. I do let him stay with her on occasion. I can't bring myself to call her out on it or deny her time with him, because I know she is trying, and I know I might loose her again, so I let it go--and I HATE that!!! She has not spanked him since he was 2--she may have come around to my way of thinking, but I haven't broached the subject with her....

Sorry, I totally wrote a book there! Guess I needed to rant....

Nikki - posted on 09/10/2010

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GREAT POST!!

Relationship status: happily married

Partners name: Nathan (nath)

Kids: Isobel (Issy) 10 months

Is your partner pro/anti smacking: Pro.....for boys, not girls *shrugs shoulders*, I don't understand the logic but anyway, love him regardless and praying we never have a boy!

Would you describe him as a positive or negative parent: very positive (great daddy!)

How do you deal with your parenting differences: um, sort of agree to disagree too, Nath respects that I put time and thought into raising our daughter, not that he always agrees with me...

What role do each of you play in the kids upbringing: Mom 85% Dad 15% - it hasn't always been this way but he is working long hours at the moment, Issy is normally in bed when he leaves and when he gets home. He makes the most of weekends, but it is hard for them not spending much time together any more.

What was the parenting style of your parents: Anti smacking, mostly positive, mum was a bit of a yeller and kind of demanding, but overall happy childhood.

Your partners parents/In-laws:pro-smacking

How do you deal with parenting differences with family and in-laws: he he, I am just leaving your response here Riana! I have the exact same relationship/experience with my in laws! I don't have parenting differences with my family surprise surprise LOL with my in-laws I just avoid the subject entirely, I can't bring it up without insulting them and I choose not to insult them. Not the right way I know but it keeps the peace.

Nathan is a steel fixer/welder for an engineering company.

Riana - posted on 09/10/2010

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Kobus is into farming LOL I sould probably say he has an aricultural degree but farming sounds soo much nicer ;-)

We have both worked in tourism for the last 10 years but the hours is demanding and we wanted to spend more time with the kids so I'm still in tourism but have a office job now LOL I do marketing and he has gone back to agriculture :-)

[deleted account]

P.S. Chad is a Heavy Equipment Operator for a civil engineering and landscaping company. How bout your men?

[deleted account]

Relationship status: Common-law (8 years)
Partners name: Chad
Kids: Roxanne ( 2 in 2 days, September 11th!!)
Is your partner pro/anti smacking: Anti-smacking
Would you describe him as a positive or negative parent: Positive

How do you deal with your parenting differences? We don't disagree. Not about anything significant so far. Chad knows I put a lot of time and energy into learning about positive strategies and he respects what I have to say and so far he's very agreeable. He's even agreed to read Barbara Coloroso's "Kids are worth it!" when I'm done.

What role do each of you play in the kids upbringing: Me 75%
Chad 25%
Mainly because I'm a SAHM and Chad works 6 days a week, 12 hours a day typically. When he is home he's pretty hands on....helps with baths a couple times a week and usually spends the hour before she goes to bed with her. It works well for us.....I love my role as a mother and teacher and Chad thrives as our provider.

What was the parenting style of your parents?
My mom was pro-spanking because she didn't know any different but she was positive and interactive. My dad was pro-spanking, controlling and mentally and physically abusive (in my opinion).

Your partners parents/In-laws: VERY conservative, VERY religious and VERY pro-smacking.

How do you deal with parenting differences with family and in-laws? I don't. They know where I stand because I've made my opinion/expectations known and I would hope that they would respect them. They mean well but at almost 2 years old, I've yet to allow Roxanne alone with them.....they're "old fashioned" and ignorant to a lot of our modern advancements and unfortunately they've done things in my company that alarmed me so until Roxanne's a wee bit older we'll forgo the overnights. Hope I don't sound too harsh?!

Meghan - posted on 09/09/2010

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Relationship status: happily separated (hopefully divorced soon?!)
Partners name: Paul
Kids: Joshua (23 months...sorry can't say 2 yet)
Is your partner pro/anti smacking: Pro
Would you describe him as a positive or negative parent: Umm somewhere in between...on the large scheme of things I would say negative though
How do you deal with your parenting differences: We don't...he doesn't listen to anything I have to say
What role do each of you play in the kids upbringing: Mom 90% Dad 10%. He lives 3 hours away and has him every other sat/sun. He does have an older child from a different relationship and if he is anything with Joshua like he is with his other son, he doesn't do much parenting and plays superdad and lets him do whatever he wants.

What was the parenting style of your parents: Pro Smacking, not very positive
Your partners parents/In-laws: Very conservative, religious, pro smacking
How do you deal with parenting differences with family and in-laws: I flat out tell my family what is and isn't acceptable with my son. If they chose not to listen, they are choosing not to spend time with J. I haven't really had to deal with the other side of the family because they don't see him that often. When they do see him I am sure that they ignore everything that I ask them to do/not do...I am a lot younger than my ex and I often go(e)t the feeling from him/them that I have no idea what I am doing. Meh, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? :)

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