Smacking, the instinct

Bonnie - posted on 12/13/2010

I spoke to my mom on this subject and to my shock and dismay, lol. She had the same urge when I was a child, although she never acted on it. She assures me I to will have this concern come up. I have been assured that it's perfectly normal and that all the women who put themselves on time out or have a cig break should be applauded. So well done ladies, I soon will be in this boat & I will try and remember my own advice lol.

Bonnie - posted on 12/13/2010

It is a matter of basic self control, we learn it as children & when we are in frustrating circumstance we must implement that self control. This may be a case of not having a proper out let for your frustration (as in exercise, time with friends, etc). It could also be a change in hormone levels or a basic lack of reserves due to a lack of knowledge and or sleep. I would encourage you to take some time for yourself. After all you can't give to others if there is nothing left of you to give. Try yoga, meditation, a few naps during the week, aerobic exercise, diet change or even writing in a journal as you take a bath. The bottom line is that as the parent you have to figure out what works best for you and what helps you use self control. I firmly believe God gives us the children that we need. They help teach us all the little lessons no one else could but them. So remember God never gives us more than we can handle & if you continue to lean on him you will find the strength to be the best mommy & woman God made you to be.

Julianne - posted on 12/10/2010

I read an article that said if you experienced spanking or negative parenting yourself as a child, the instinct to spank your child is instilled in you. What you learn in the first 4 years is instilled in your for the rest of your life. Good thing is your breaking the cycle by not spanking your child. I haven't experienced this with my child yet as she is only 1. I do have a little brother who i took care of when i still lived at home. At times i did want to hit him or be aggressive because of his behavior. I would literally take a step back, and leave the situation for a breather. Yoga helps you deal with high anxiety situations as well. If you do yoga you may have better control over your emotions in these sictuations.

Dawna - posted on 12/06/2010

for some reason, my daughter has taken to hitting and kicking us when she is mad at us. i don't know if it is because she sees her cousins fighting with each other or its just a mean streak she is having, but we don't hit her. (i will have to admit to spanking a small number of times, but the last was nearly a year ago, and all during a time of great stress for us. not an excuse, but it was a time i reverted to learned parenting.)

i usually try to ignore her and walk away for a minute. sometimes, if she's on my lap, i will sternly (not by jerking or hurting her) pick her up and put her on the ground away from me.

nothing will get the instinct to hit riled up more than being hit or kicked when you are already in a tense/stressful situation. there was one day when she was struggling with every thing i tried to get her to do and i was trying to change her pants and she slapped me across the face really hard. (did i mention she is a very strong 3 year old?) before i could even think about it i'd smacked her back across the thigh. i hit hard enough to sting, but not leave a mark. still, it scared the crap out of me and i left the room to cry. frankly, my leaving and crying seemed to terrify my daughter more than the smack did. she does this much less now, but every once in a while, we have to watch for flying limbs.

Kimbeley - posted on 11/29/2010

I hit the wall a few weeks ago, just felt good to take it out on something. It left me with a stinging palm, but I felt better for it. And I've always said that I would prefer kids to take their aggression out of something rather than someone, so I suppose that applies to me too!

Jo - posted on 11/27/2010

I do exactly what Meghan does! I end up having a yelling match with Gabe. I have anger issues from being in abusive relationships and I find that my patience gets run thin by Gabriels dad, which then affects my patience with Gabriel.

So when I'm feeling that lack of patience, Gabe's behavior affects me in ways that I know are completely irrational.

I refuse to hit him, instead we have an AHHHHHHHHHHHHLL OUT where we both end up laying in a mass of giggles. Which relieves all the stress I feel and I have fun playing with him again - and it usually unknots the tiff that Gabriel was in to begin with too.

I'm sure his behavior is a reflection of my mood and not the other way around... I know it is. It seems the only time he's in a bad mood is when I am in a bad mood first.

In the interest of full disclosure, I have smacked his hand once when he was about 9 months old. His grandpa was fixing an outlet in our house, he didn't tell me that he didn't cover it up when he left for a minute so I thought he did (apparently common sense shouldn't be taken for granted even with family), I saw Gabriel going to reach for the open live outlet wires and all I could do was reach over the baby gate and smack his hand away.

My friend, about 2-3 months before that, grabbed her kids hand when they were going to grab something - she grabbed too hard and broke the kids fingers in 3 different places - so I've been nutso paranoid about grabbing since then.

Not an excuse, just explaining my moment of saddness. I never want to ever touch him in that way ever again.

Charlie - posted on 11/26/2010

Yes absolutely !
I find personally it is a combination of Cooper getting that 2 year old dose of testosterone and with quiet a lot of heavy , stressfull things happening in my life I am losing my grip , I feel it coming on and I just have to remove myself, in a way *I* have to go into time out before taking action , I feel terrible for ever feeling like that , I know i would feel worse if I acted .

Cat - posted on 11/25/2010

@Jaime-Leigh, I hope all is okay. Take care and see you on here soon!

Jaime - posted on 11/25/2010

I said I would be back, and I promise I haven't forgotten about this thread but I've just had some bad news given to me and have a lot on my mind. I've commented on a few threads that I participated in during the week, but I need some time to think on this one. Be back soon! ♥

Jaime - posted on 11/22/2010

This is a fantastic thread Nikki and I will be back later on to post my comment...right now I have to check on my kid who has been sleeping for over three hours.

Cat - posted on 11/21/2010

Nikki, what you feel is normal. I too have felt like I wanted to hit as well. We all feel it. When I feel the urge, I clasp my hands together (can't hit when your hands are that way) and I take 5 deep breaths. Usually by then I'm thinking more rationally. :)

Erin - posted on 11/21/2010

I have felt it, and I hate it. Milla is 21mths, and while she is a delight, she is very bold and headstrong. Last weekend was a nightmare. On Monday morning, it culminated in her undoing the lid of the spray-in detangler I was asking her to give me, and spilling it all over both of us. She had been fighting me on every single thing that morning, and I was already dressed for work, so I was PISSED. The thought definitely went through my head to smack her. Which is precisely why I don't. Instead, I go outside and have a smoke!

Chatty - posted on 11/20/2010

Roxanne, in my humble opinion, is an EXTREMELY well-behaved 26 month old and I am EXTREMELY grateful because unfortunately being raised in what I consider to an abusive environment, I had the urge to smack more often than I'd like. I work really hard at this positive crap! ;)

When I feel the urge, I do exactly that, Nikki! When I feel my blood pressure rise and my face goes flush, I choose to walk away. I practice breathing exercises and counting to 10 is very effective also. If I reacted in the moment every time I had the urge, I'd be locked up for sure! I'm a work in progress, not perfection.

I've also been known to scream into a pillow or jump in the shower to cool down and regroup.

Meghan - posted on 11/17/2010

I have had it happen a few times. But like Nicole, when I feel myself about to loose it I have a time out or if its me just being a bitch and getting frustrated and irritated, me and Joshua have a screaming match. I get to scream and get the frustration out and J gets to scream and be loud in the house-which he loves. it helps distract both of us and help me to step outside of myself and enjoy my son.

Nicole - posted on 11/17/2010

I go have a time out in the bathroom (which is a very short walk from the living room where most of the play time happens for William and the day care kids I look after.
I tell them I am too mad to talk and I will be back in a minute.
If someone has smacked someone else (happens a lot with 4 children under 4) then they also go to time out to calm down too.
I find that the "instinct" is more likely to hit me when I am sick, lacking sleep or in pain (I have really bad monthly issues) It's horrible patience wise when I am coping with all three at the same time. It's tough as a stay at home mom who works out of the house. Unlike working in a center where I can switch off with someone else for a minute when a child gets overly difficult I am on my own. So those 1-2 minutes of sanity finding time are really really key.
I also try to diffuse the situation with some humor. They are all familiar with the story Love you Forever by Robert Munsch. I frequently will start saying the lines about the two year old in the book, "This kid is driving me CRAZY!!" I do the inflection and silliness and that gets them all focused on me again instead of doing what ever it was they weren't supposed to be doing and I go from there.

Jess - posted on 11/17/2010

For me the battle not to smack is one I face daily ! Because my parents smacked for EVERYTHING my first response is to smack, and I have to remind myself that I am rising above that and breaking the cycle. I like to remind myself that I would rather walk that hard path and stop the smacking cycle then leave my daughter to walk that path when she has her own children.

I have found myself going to smack and stopped myself. On one occasion Ava bit my finger and wouldn't let go and it was hurting so much, normally I would have tapped on her cheek to make her let go * like with my finger very gently asking her to open her mouth*, but she had back to me and all I could reach was her bum and I tapped her bum. I almost died, I cried because I felt like I had smacked her which wasn't my intention. I felt so guilty and my poor bitten finger was so sore. Ava on the other hand was fine because I hadn't actually smacked her and she was wearing a nappy anyway so I don't even think she realised because she still didn't let go. What got her to let go was John yelling "don't you smack her at me". I was so upset !!!

Nikki - posted on 11/16/2010

Just for the record, I haven't smacked her and I hope that I NEVER do, but it does concern me that I have had these feelings. He behaviours are really not that bad, how would I react if it was a really negative behaviour, will I have the time to reason with myself before I give in on what I strongly believe in?