Social anxiety?

[deleted account] ( 9 moms have responded )

Ok , we are having an issue with my son and daycare.. It's never been an issue with us so we are a little bit at a loss as to how to handle this.



My son goes to a dayhome 5 days a week. the daycare provider has a 17 month old son (Let's call him Mike), the other children are mostly part-time and there was never a problem until that one kid started coming. Let's call him Junior. So Junior is 15 months old and is a bully. He started hitting the other kids as soon as he walked in the door the first day. My son just walks away from bullies and refuses to play with them even if they "change". Now, apparently my son will refuse to play at all when Junior is there. he will sit in the middle of the playroom and whine until Junior leaves. We thought it was a bully problem as when Junior is not there, my son is fine. junior is better with his behavior and the problem has been addressed with both the daycare and the parents. Shawn still won't play anywhere near him. We thought that Shawn just didn't like him and was perhaps feeling something about Junior we didn't.



Now the part I don't get is that yesterday, the daycare provider brought the kids to play with other kids at the back-up daycare. Junior wasn't there and Shawn still refused to play and just whined. We are puzzled about all of this and I would really love your insight about the situation.



When we bring Shawn to play at the playground or anywhere else where there are other kids, he is fine. He is a little shy at first but he quickly warms up (mostly to older kids). With kids his age he is a little more reserved but still will play with them unless they are bullies. If they are bullies he will move over and play somewhere else. He doesn't whine, cry or fuss... What could be causing the issues at daycare? We were thinking that because we don't have many friends who we invite around our son he could be socially deprived? Does that even make sense? I am not a very outgoing person and generally will need time to warm up to other people as well. I am making efforts to overcome my shyness and "lead by example". I need suggestions or comments from you ladies as Kevin and I are puzzled.

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Riana - posted on 10/23/2010

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I'm going to take a wild guess Mylene, that might or might not be helpful.

When Annika was little the teacher at the playschool once "punished" (she got quiet time) her for splasing water, when I picked her up she cried all the way home and was refusing to go to school ect ect. And all she kept saying was "Mommy I did not start it! and it was unfair that I was punished!" Her anoyance with this lasted for the best part of 2-3 weeks!

Even now I still don't know who DID start it and if he/she was ever punished or reprimanded. But the fact remains that the poor teacher needs to try and keep law and order and Annika WAS splasing water that is not allowed (For the rekord they do get lots of time for water play outside but this happened inside). I don't feel that she was treated unfair and even if she was I think it is an important lesson that life will not always be fair but deal with it as best you can. But all of this was not important SHE felt like she had been treated unfairly and she kept holding a grudge for a very long time.

My guess is this, when Junior arrived the teacher might have made a reasonable comment like "Please boys no fighting" If Shawn felt like this comment was aimed at him and unjustified it could perfectly explain the current situation?

All I'm saying is it might be a very simple little thing that will blow over, however if it gets any worse I would try and address the matter with the teacher.

Good Luck, keep us updated on how it goes.
Kid can be sensitive like this an spesifically kids that are brought up in a positive and "fair" manner often struggle with it when they feel like they are being treated unfairly.

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Brandy - posted on 11/07/2010

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i agree with riana it could be that he was in some way humiliated, if he is already a little reserved it might have really upset him, sometimes the daycare providers can be really intimidating with out realizing it, i worked in a daycare a preschool and a prekindergarten room and this is very common, it could be a number of things and it isnt right for the provider to ignore this situation, that might be a clue that hes treated more like a problem than part of the group which is really sad. is there a way for you to spend a day with him at the daycare and then maybe randomly pop in from time to time? this might help with insecurities as well as any behavior inappropriately directed towards your child.

Tania - posted on 10/31/2010

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Kids can be very sensitive. But also remember that they are little, not stupid. If you get some quite time alone with your little one and distract him with a game that still allows him to talk to you, you might be able to get a little more of the story out of him. My son is very sensitive to people shouting at him, even young kids. The best way that works for me is getting him on my own and speaking to him like a little person and not a child.Yes he is only 3 1/2, but they are little people.
He got very upset with my brother and would not speak to him for a few weeks. I eventually got it out of him that my brother had shouted at him to stop doing something or another, in order for him not to get hurt. My son said he was being a bully. I had to explain to him that my brother only shouted because he got a fright and that he does love him.Not because of any other reason. Kids can be very sensitive to criticism and how they are addressed. The teacher might have raised her/his voice and that would have been enough to scare the child.
At the end of the day, take your child's side until you have otherwise established what exactly went on.

[deleted account]

Wow thank Riana, it would NEVER have even crossed my mind that he could be reacting to being reprimanded. I'll discuss with hubby and let you know how everything goes. thanks!

[deleted account]

Hmmm? I wish I had some suggestions but I'm stumped. I would definitely go talk to her because I think it's disturbing if she thinks it's YOUR issue. It's happening in HER daycare so she needs to be part of the solution. At least that's my opinion. Lemme know if you guys figure it out!?

[deleted account]

not as far as I know... She deals mostly with Kevin so I haven't really discussed with her. From what Kevin told me, she just said he was acting like that and nothing else. I think she assumes it has to do with us...

[deleted account]

yeah me too. He loves the daycare provider. Mike and Shawn are best buds, play together all the time, hugs, high 5s, kisses, etc. I have no clue what the problem is...

the back-up daycare is very different from the actual day home.. the kids are fed homemade food at the dayhome, never ever get served KD or anything not made from scratch... When he goes to the backup they serve KD, hot dogs and other canned crap. So he refuses to eat when he goes there.

In the past he would play with the other kids at the back-up... so I am really confused.

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