What type of mum are you?

[deleted account] ( 41 moms have responded )

From my experience, even when my daughter is just playing with my nieces, nevermind other peoples children, I always have one ear open listening to how they're interacting.........my SIL thinks I just need to let them be kids and play, letting them work out any problems that may arise. She won't jump in and intervene until she hears screaming or crying! What are ur thoughts? What type of mom are you?.......how do you deal with awkward moments, fights, not sharing etc between ur child(ren) and someone elses?

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[deleted account]

I tend to be the kind that has an ear/eye pointed toward the kids especially when they are under the age of 3-4 years old and unable to provide the whole story if something were to happen that upset them or they get frustrated and lash out ect.
I feel that I need to be paying attention so if something happens and it's not going well I can intervene and help teach them how to work through it. The more we teach are children about problem solving at a young age the better in my opinion.
:)

As to what would I do if my child were causing the problem. I would still step in and help them work through it and if he was still causing issues decide what consequence would best fit for where we were (time away versus leaving entirely ect).
I would also be fine if another parent stepped in a disciplined my own with theirs as long as the discipline was not outside my philosophy and my child was deserving to be included.
As to the what would I do if the mother wasn't doing anything and her child was causing the issue.
I would do exactly what I would do at home or anywhere else with my own child or the day care child and that's intervene by getting down at their level, separating them if need be (especially if one or both are upset) and help them problem solve.

I have told school aged kids at the park to stop name calling/bullying/hitting/kicking/spitting one of the children in care while standing directly in front of the school aged kid's parent/care provider. I wasn't rude or mean about it. I tend to go at it from the perspective that if they wouldn't want it done to them then they shouldn't do it to the other kids.
I've only ever had one parent react poorly and instead of engaging the over reacting screaming swearing parent I just calmly collect my group and left telling the children that we weren't staying to fight. I had to bite my cheeks so hard to keep from busting a gut when the oldest of my day care group at the time piped up, "Yeah we have to leave because so-so's Mom is having a temper tantrum." The mother got quiet real quick and we never had an issue since.

I'll stop rambling now. Here's hoping for a good night of sleep. I made sure we spent a good amount of time outside and even went to the park. Here's hoping that was enough to wear my cute but trying 19 month old munchkin out.

Cortnie - posted on 04/25/2010

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I tell my kids if they do nto share the toy will disappear. and it has happened a few times , but on being in the serious side i let my kids friends know the rules before they begin to play and have them repeat them to me. For example : If you play upstairs you are to pick the toys up instead of leaving a mess. If they do not do what they promised to do they can not come play for a few days. It actually works and they never like to get a toy taken away cause they are fighting over it.

Charlie - posted on 04/22/2010

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I give Cooper (17 months ) a lot of freedom he has a solid group of friends who he plays with regularly , they are all up to a year older than he is so he has had to deal with the age and developmental gap between them , as well as my boy being a gentle old soul and his friends hitting the terrible twos !



They always play in the yard and sometimes run around the back where we cant see them , our yard is totally secure and childproof , while i always have an ear out for when they start getting boisterous i never get " involved " unless Cooper is in danger , for the most part i let Cooper sort out problems for himself and he usually does , however if i see one of his friends is about to take a sandpit shovel to his head THAT is when i step in ( unless the child's parent has already done so ) in a situation like that i explain to the child that hitting would hurt Cooper and make him cry i then usually redirect them to a calmer activity .



I feel its important for a child to learn how to problem solve on their own , they learn a lot of this from how we conduct ourselves in everyday life .

I think when it comes to parents who wont discipline their own child it can be good to show them your positive behavior strategies and perhaps they can learn something too !

Riana - posted on 04/22/2010

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WOW, it seems like I am the only easy going mom around! I'm starting to wonder if I'm wrong here. My kids enjoy a LOT of freedom, I think they need space to grow and learn without interference. And believe it or not my kids and still alive, have had a few bumps and scratches but nothing serious. That is why it is so important for me that they learn to think for themselves.

I try my best NOT to interfere when kids are interacting, as they need to learn the lesson, even the hard ones like don't play with the bullies! I will however discuss it with them later on like "If you are always bossy when you play with other children they will not want to be your fiends. Would you want to be their friend if they treated you like that?"

I will also never dissipline someone elses child, might possitively influence them like "Can I get you a bowl for the blueberries?" I do not tolerate it if someone else dissiplines my children either - Sorry

Vanessa - posted on 04/16/2010

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I'm a bit of both, I'm always listening and watching what is going but I will only intervene if its needed because I think that they need to develope problem solving skills and they need to co-operate. I also think its good for there self esteem to be able to work things out themselves.I will always step in if someone is getting hurt, or are being bullied in anyway, or if the children don't seem to be able to work the problem out on there own.

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Avelina - posted on 04/25/2010

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I always listen and I always stay close to my son or he is where I can see him. When it comes down to him fighting w/other kids, like my SIL's kids, whatever toy they have I take it. My future inlaws already know that I believe if they can't figure out who's turn it is then Avy (me) will take it away so that no one can play w/it. I'll intervene when it's the right time. I so agree w/you.

Cortnie - posted on 04/25/2010

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I dont want to sound way to strict at times , but i do raise my children under a very strict household. I do this cause i was allowed to run and run with no rules. My children seem to be happy that they know their limits and they seem to take on responsibilty more for somethings not all things. My children have to work for what they have and yes they get paid when they do what they are told. which isnt very often lol but even if they complete a task that is half way decent i give them credit. This way they care more about their stuff rather than just thinking well mom and dad bought it they can replace it. My children are not perfect and never will be . I just wanted to give others a deeper insite on how i raise my kids.

I have a few simple rules when they play over someones house:

For them to respect their friends and his/her parents.

They have to help clean the mess the kids made up.

and i better not get any bad reports.

Oh and the bigggest one ( THAT PERSON'S HOUSE RULES STAND)

Kimberley - posted on 04/25/2010

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Yup me too. I always have one ear out for Zachary to try and prevent bad things before they happen. We have friends who have a 2 yr old so I'm always listening when they are playing to make sure it doesn't get to the point of screaming. I even do it at home so much hubby thinks I'm ignoring him.... maybe LOL

Emily - posted on 04/25/2010

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When my son was younger, like under 2 or so, I didn't intervene much, because he really didn't understand a lot of social rules anyway. If there were problems, I simply removed him from the situation or removed the problem toy or whatever the situation.

Now that he's 3 and can rationally understand social rules like sharing, taking turns, being gentle, etc. I intervene a lot more. He has much more self-control at this age, so I feel there is more to teach.

That being said, in a social situation with other kids and moms, I do not discipline other children. I don't intervene unless someone is about to get hurt. I just don't think it's my place to parent another mother's child. It is my job to help my child process other children's behaviors and help him understand that all kids are not going to act the same, and how to deal with that. Because I'm not always going to be around to be the referree.

I've personally been in a situation where another mom disciplined my child when I was right there in the same room and it was very hurtful to me. My child was not doing anything that I thought was wrong. The other mom simply had a lot of rules for her child, rules that our family does not go by, but for whatever reason she assumed everyone followed. I don't even remember what it was, it was so silly. Anyway, I found it very insulting. I think we all parent in our own way, and we need to allow others to parent how they need to. Exceptions are when children are hurting each other, physically or verbally.

Riana - posted on 04/24/2010

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I greatly agree Loureen, but I find it very challenging to address problems or find decent solutions when there is lots of Mom's and kids around. And secondly it can often go wrong in terms of unintentionally insulting other moms or putting a child on the spot. I will only intervene in a social situation if I feel it is really getting out of hand and will even then try to speak to my child apart from the group. I think maybe years of criticism for my so called "lack of discipline" has made me wary.

However I will discuss things and situations with my kids endlessly under the right circumstances - when we are alone and they are attentive to what I am saying.

All I'm saying is don't judge to easily on a mom that does not react to her child’s behaviour immediately, it does not necessarily mean that she does not react at all.

Jess - posted on 04/17/2010

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There is, accept I lost the magazine that goes that went with that interview... so I think we need to some titles up ! So get creative

Jess - posted on 04/17/2010

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I saw this interview on morning tv a few weeks back and a few terms have stuck with me. The point was that all mothers need a group of women around her for support and each of those women need to be bringing something to the table.



They are called your Mum-tourage. So every good mum-tourage has the "professional mother". This women is usually older, has a few kids and will always know what to and when to do it. You call her, she tells you to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and gives you a list of things to do to get everything back under control.



And then you have your Slummy Mummy. This is the mother you call when you haven't bathed your kid in 3 days and she tells you that she hasn't bathed her kids for a week. She will always be a little worse than you and that makes you feel good.



So in the spirit of what kind of mother are you ??? Im your slummy mummy !!! Who wants to be mine ???

[deleted account]

Ya, I'm always back 'n forth with that! Mum one time and mom the next! I see mum a lot and it's becoming a habit!

[deleted account]

And that's why we always have to have one ear open and eyes in the back of our heads.....



I'm curious, Erin, did the other mom apologize or was she defensive?

Ez - posted on 04/15/2010

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I think I fall somewhere in the middle on this. My daughter is 14 months and very outgoing and strong-willed (she has a very dominant-personality), so I have to pay close attention to her around other children because she has a tendency to 'get in their face' and then not understand why they push her away lol. She LOVES other kids and always wants to touch and kiss and cuddle them, so I'm working on teaching her to step back and not be so intimidating (hard when she's still so young).

When it's kids that we know very well and she spends a lot of time with though I tend to let her go. If they both go for the same toy I'll leave it a minute and see if they can work it out. I will let them go into another room for a few minutes as long as I'm within ear shot. This has helped her progress from parallel play to actually playing WITH the other children. But if things start going downhill I will step in, explain how we will solve the problem and then distract!!

I don't like disciplining other people's kids, but if I'm the adult in the room then that's just what has to happen. I agree with the point some others have made about children needing to learn to respect the authority of other adults, not just Mum and Dad. And I would expect another adult to pull my daughter up if she was doing something dangerous or very inappropriate.

I have only had one incidence of having to tell off a child I didn't know and his lazy, ignorant mother. We were at a playground in the shopping centre. This kid was about 4 and seemed to be hovering around my daughter (who was barely 1 at the time). The first time I only caught it out of the corner of my eye, but it looked like he kicked her. She didn't cry, and I couldn't be sure because I'd looked down to check the time, so I let it go and just ushered her away from him. A few minutes later another little boy emerged from the equipment crying because this boy had hit him, so he was spoken to by that little boy's grandmother. Then he pushed another toddler, who's mother also asked him to be careful. Next thing he comes barrelling down the slide, stands up, and stomps on Milla who was sitting on the ground next to it with another kid. Well I saw RED!! I roared 'hey!', stomped in and asked where his mother was. She was sitting at some tables, with her back to the play area, drinking coffee and talking. I went OFF!! I was so angry because there had been several incidents before my daughter got hurt. If she had been watching it could have been avoided.

[deleted account]

Ur hilarious Ashie! Maybe that's why I'm so bent?......because I don't wash them....when I'm working I just sit there and eat them right outta the bin.....EWW! Definitely have to rethink that one!

P.S. I wouldn't do that at a regular grocery store.....this was my parents fruit stand! Oh, god.....who am I kidding? I should always wash my fruit first! Ugh!

[deleted account]

Hi Dana i see you still have that super cute profile pic still makes me laugh ever time i see it...I am the peacekeeper type of mommy and i also can just let it be..let kids be kids to a certain degree but i think always showing kids and explaining the importance of sharing and not fighting is so good for a child there not born knowing everything LoL



I just took the face book quiz for fun on what type of parent i am and got the warm fuzzy mommy lol ..so true I'm always there for my little ones with cuddles and can make any bad dream or cut knee better etc who doesn't do that but i love to see children let be children and i think somewhere along the way in life many parents have forgotten to let that happen.



One more little thing kids are kids and snotty noses and touching fruit in shops is something the do yes as moms we should teach them not to but anyway always wash the fruit you get before consuming as its probably many adults who have touched them with dirtier hands.Just a thought.:-)

Jess - posted on 04/15/2010

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Ava is only 8 months old but we have already started with "uh uh not yours" when she tries to touch something that isn't her's and isn't ok to be touching ! Its not hard, its more the parent taking the time to be vigilant and be aware of what their child is up to ! We have started young so that way she will know when she is a little older and it will already by second nature for us.

[deleted account]

I have no issues disciplining others children. Even if mom's there.. if you're not going to do something I will.




I think Amie said it best!? Obviously I give it a chance to work itself out but I'm gonna step in to a situation if I feel there's a need, whether the other mum just doesn't care and is lazy, or not paying attention because she's busy.......I don't care what the reason is and I mean absolutely no disrespect to any other mums. If I feel I need to intervene then I'm going to! Sometimes if we wait too long or wait hoping the other mum will step in things have already had a chance to escalate and there's no going back in some situations!

I also ALWAYS try to be as fair as possible and probably more often than not end up redirecting Roxanne away from a situation even though I feel the other child was at fault; sometimes it's easier to explain to Roxanne to just walk away from a volitile situation than to deal with someone elses bratty kid....LOL!

Amie - posted on 04/14/2010

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Oh I'm a hover parent. I fully admit this. I also let them figure out situations on their own but if it's starting to get out of hand then I do step in. As others have already said, we're here to teach our children.



I have no issues disciplining others children. Even if mom's there.. if you're not going to do something I will. It's gotten to the point where I've had friends just depend on me to do it all.. so we no longer visit them. I can be a stand in once in awhile but I'm not going to be the sole disciplinarian for children that are not my own.



It's never caused any real friction (other than me getting annoyed at others being lazy) the parents either don't care enough to even be upset or they know me and know I wouldn't be upset if the situations were reversed.



Our neighborhood is a good example of this. Most of the kids play together (in total there's 20 kids on our block) they vary in ages from babies to young teens. All of us are on the same page in parenting though. We have high standards for our children and raise them to help meet those standards. There is 1 problem child who lives around the corner but he's effectively been run off our crescent. He truly is a terror and I don't wish him on anyone. Myself, my husband and 2 different neighbors have all had to deal with him. His mother just doesn't care though, she just lets him run around. Ugh!



Anyway.. that got off track into a mini rant. LOL! I don't think you were out of line either Dana. I would have said something to my child if they even thought of reaching for the fruit, never mind actually touching it. Ew! It's not that hard to shop and make sure your kids don't touch every item in the aisles.

Haley - posted on 04/14/2010

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First and foremost it is stupid not to be incredibly vigilant of your children. It doesn't take long for them to hurt themselves or do something that you may not like. For instance at the park. I could let my child go and play alone on an age appropriate piece of equiptment, however i dont. This is good; one day we were at the park, another persons child was at the end of the slide, and my child slid down followed by me. The child in that time had time to hit my daughter twice! Given it was not hard, i did not flip out. However if the other parent had been actively involved in their child's play/free time, this would have been instead a chance to learn about what is right and wrong. Since this was not the case, i yelled hey at the other child, he ran away, and now my daughter doesn't want to play with other children at the park. If she had been in the wrong, she would have been reprimanded, i would have explained why whatever was wrong, and she would have appologized. (its happened b4) btw my daughter is two.

[deleted account]

No, I guess it's not life or death but it was bad for business......other people were standing around observing this child, including myself! LOL!

Jaime - posted on 04/14/2010

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I don't think that what you asked of that woman was inappropriate, but I do think this is a prime example of "pick your battles"...yes, it's gross to think about snotty, little hands touching blueberries, but kids are always curious about new surroundings and they do much of their discovering with their hands and probably more so than with their eyes and ears. I do think that the mother overreacted---and probably out of frustration and possibly embarrassment of the other patrons watching the goings-on. I say in future situations like this, it's not a life or death situation to have fruit covered in kid boogers...it all gets washed anyway.

[deleted account]

I just want to say one more thing......even if he didn't have a snotty nose it's still not appropriate for him to touch fresh fruit!

Jessica - posted on 04/14/2010

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Dana I don't think you were crossing a line asking her to stop her kid from touching the blueberries. I can understand being a little miffed at being asked, but it sounds like she went overboard with her reaction. Maybe she wasn't aware that her son was wiping his nose first? Either way though she probably should have been paying more attention...

Meghan - posted on 04/14/2010

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Dana, I don't think you crossed a line-snot is gross!(Joshua is so grossed out by snot-another little boy came up to him today with a gross snotty nose and Josh said "ucky boogies" and started to gag LOL!!! At least I don't have to worry about him eating boogers!) I don't know how old the child was, but what happened to teaching cildren manners??? If you came into her house and blew your nose on her curtains she would probably be upset!!! I know children don't understand but that is why we are parents-to teach our kids!!

Jaime - posted on 04/14/2010

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I think that I'm in between on this one because I do pay attention when my son is playing with other kids, but at the same time I have to allow for conflict to arise...it's how he and others will learn to interact and communicate. When he has a toy and it is ripped from his hand, I bring it to the attention of the child that my son was playing with the toy and they should give it back and wait for a turn...I can't force the child to give the toy back and at that point I would hope the child's parent would step in and either take the toy away or encourage the same as me. I have been known to take the toy back myself (but I'm working on not being so impulsive with this action as it won't help my son or the other kid learn sharing). If the kids both come to a toy at the same time, then it's about teaching a compromise...telling the kids that they can each have a turn for one or two or five minutes and then they must give the toy to the other person...giving them an opportunity to make the right choice and share the toy on their own (but with encouragement). When it comes to my son being hurt by another child, I will bring it to the parent's attention if they are not within eye or earshot, and I will also make sure that the child doing the hurting is aware that their behaviour is unacceptable. I am a firm believer that it takes a village....so if a parent is out of the room and has left their child in the care of others (even if they're in the room but too far away and busy with something) then it stands to reason that the parent witnessing the wrong-doing should be the one to deliver the discipline. This will also help kids to learn that parents are not the only authority figures...they will be in school by the age of 4 and the teacher can't be calling mom and dad to come and put Johnny on a time-out...so it's an opportunity for parents to work together. My friends and I already have this understanding...we will discipline each other's kids, but we communicate about it regularly so that we are all on the same page. We all have similar beliefs but they vary too, so it's a good mixture and it helps us to learn from each other and it helps our kids to communicate with us and each other much better as well.

Jessica - posted on 04/14/2010

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Ahh I haven't had to deal with that yet, and I'm afraid I'm going to be the over-protective parent stepping in at every little issue! I think its important to let kids work things out themselves to an extent- I think thats important to learning appropriate social interaction. But at the same time its good to keep and ear/eye open and intervene when things get too heated.

[deleted account]

Thanks ladies, I appreciate all the input! The reason I asked is because my SIL HATES it when I step in and discipline her girls......I obviously LOVE my nieces and always try and be neutral and fair, asking questions trying to figure out exactly what happened when something goes wrong so I can hand out appropriate punishments BUT my SIL also feels that if she's there it's NOT my place to step in at all and I find it frustrating sometime because when she's busy or not in the room I don't think it should be a problem for me to step in........after all they're playing with my daughter also?!!!



I also had another women get right pissed off at me because I had nicely asked her child to, " Please don't touch the fruit sweety " numerous times while the mother stood right beside her child ignoring the fact that he was wiping his snotty nose on his sleeve and then reaching in and grabbing blueberries.......GROSS! ( My parents own blueberry farms and we sell fresh fruit in the summer ) So, finally after the 3rd warning I looked at the mother and said, " I'm sorry but you're going to have to take son out of here if you can't get him to stop touching the fruit! " and WHOA! She gave it to me with both barrels.....LOL! " What the hell am I supposed to do with him?.......Leave him in the car? I just want to buy some blueberries........LEAVE MY SON ALONE! "

Ahhhh? WOW! I wasn't trying to upset her but WOW! Please ladies, let me know if what I did was inappropriate.....seriously?! Did I cross a line?

Nikki - posted on 04/14/2010

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I think I would step in but be very careful and as objective as I could possibly be if I had to discipline someone else child. If it was my child I would step in without hesitation. On the other hand if someone was stepping in with my child I would hope that they knew me well enough to understand what my boundaries are and not to over step, but if they did and it was someone I had to see again I would have to talk to them about it, as hard as it would be, we all know how touchy mothers can be!! but at the end of the day if they are treating your child in a manner you are not comfortable with you are still the parent so you make the decisions on how to discipline your child, does that make sense, I am very tired!

[deleted account]

Dana, I'm very similar to you, I'm always aware of what my child is doing... although I've eased off a bit now that he's starting to get older and also now that he's doing a bit of daycare so is learning how to stand up for himself a bit more.

As for your questions...
It depends on who the other child is... if it's a close friends child I'd just discipline him/her and I'd expect my friend to do the same if it was the other way around. If it's a friend who is maybe not so close, I'd probably just point out to them that their child had done whatever they had done. I don't know, I guess it would also depend on what exactly the other child had done - if they had taken a toy off Blake I would just redirect Blake's attention, whereas if they had bitten Blake I would probably tell them off.

Meghan - posted on 04/13/2010

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welll...I am like you in that I always am aware of what Joshua is doing, where/who he is with. For the most part I will step in and kind of direct the situation-"did she have the toy first? maybe we should give it back and go find something else to do" (Lucky for me Joshua so far is pretty easy to distract) But I kinda agree with your SIL in that they do eventually need to figure it out. Maybe I feel this way because I have a boy and I don't want him running to mommy everytime someone does something he doesn't like? But like Nikki is saying, if you pay attention you should be able to figure out indecators before things get out of hand.

We have quite a few mom's in the playgroup that we go to who think that their children are perfect and can do no wrong. My son is close to perfect (haha) but let's face it, he is a toddler! I just ignore them and if those mom's try to discipline him when I feel he doesn't deserve to be, I will straight up tell them off! If it is fair and justified I let them, because I think kids need to learn to listen to other adults, not just mom and dad...

Jess - posted on 04/13/2010

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I'd say I'm cruisey but attentive. Ava is 8 months old and my neice is just shy of 10months. So they really don't know any better than each other. We let them play but guide them. We show them how to share and remind them to be gentle with those scratchy claws they both have !



Im lucky though, my mother and SIL both work in Child care and we are all on the same page with what we will tolerate and what we won't. As soon as one of the girls looks upset by the other we seperate them. We will have to see how we go as they got older but for now its working for us !

Nikki - posted on 04/13/2010

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Question one and three - Slap the mother? he he totally joking, ill have to have a think about that one, will get back to you later.

[deleted account]

What would you do in a situation where you feel the OTHER child is at fault but his/her mum isn't doing anything about it?

What would you do if your child was the one causing a problem with another child?

How do you feel when other moms step in and discipline your child as well as there own?

Nikki - posted on 04/13/2010

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I am like you, I believe it is important to observe your children especially in social situations to look out indicators that things may turn nasty. Children learn how to problem solve with our assistance and I believe it is important at times to step in and role model how to solve the problem. I am not saying every single little thing, but letting it get to the point where they are screaming and hurting each other has gone too far.

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