Where to time out? On the bed, yay or nay?

Laura Zoey - posted on 06/13/2011

Yeah I like super nanny for kids say, 4+ but I would never let her near my two year old! She just doesn't seem to get how young ones need to be attached to mom, they need comfort and care. Not to be left alone to cry to sleep. Etc

Nikki - posted on 06/12/2011

I hate super nanny! She has no understanding or empathy for child development, maybe I will admit I don't mind one or two of her strategies for older children, but for toddlers, hell no that woman is evil.

No I wouldn't use a bed for time out, I agree it sends mixed messages, particularly if you have a child that is a difficult sleeper. Our bed is supposed to be somewhere safe and secure.

Personally I am not a big fan of time outs, they work for some children but for others they just escalate the problem. My daughter is only 19 months but I cannot see myself using time out as a behaviour strategy.

Caitlin - posted on 06/10/2011

I don't use a step, but we live in a bunglaow and the basement is off limits to kids, because it's not finished, so the steps wont work. I use Kaylas bedroom for her time outs, because it's the only place that "works". They are sometimes used when she's being naughty, but mostly as a place for her to calm down. She can fuss and scream and cry in her room witht the door closed and when it gets quiet I go back in a repeat myself. She frustrates very easily just like me, so I figured that would work best. IT also gives ME a time out from her - and she'll stay there when she's calm and play with her stuffies until I come get her, so if i needed a longer time out than her (frequently the case - i'm bad at dealing with my frustration) that she's happy and I can go in and explain why she's there. We're still working on "use your words" though.. she tends to get very whiny..

Chatty - posted on 06/10/2011

We live in a rancher. No steps here, but I think that's a great idea, maybe more so with older children because the actual quiet and "boringness" of it, forces them to reflect on their behaviour.

I'm on the same page as the other ladies, Laura. I warn Roxanne first about throwing toys. IF she does it a second time, I'll remove it and explain that if she doesn't treat her property nicely, we're going to give it away to some kids who will appreciate it. Yep, if she does it again, I make her help me put it in a "donate" bin in the garage and that's the last time she'll play with it. She's also participated with me in dropping the toys and other things off at the second hand store.

It's a wonderful way to spring clean. It's only happened twice so far.

Jenni - posted on 06/10/2011

We generally use the step. Like others have said; it depends on the type of time out.
I don't mind when my children experience runaway emotions that they use their bedroom as a place to cool off. My SD usually retreats to the bedroom when she needs a cool off. My son will retreat anywhere that's quiet really... sometimes it's the step, sometimes his room, he'll usually choose a room that's vacant. He usually takes 30sec-2 mins and then returns to tell me he's mad or sad. So I take this opportunity to ask him Why? and open up the dialogue for problem solving and comfort.

I count to 3 for listening skills. IF i do get to 3, I give a time out on the step. I find 30 seconds works and then I repeat the request. Since I've been using this method... I'd say on average it ends in a time out once a month, maybe. I only use it for important requests and refusals.

Time outs are pretty rare in my house now that my children are more receptive to communication.

If they make a mess they clean it up.
If they throw a toy, I take it away.
If they can't share, the toy gets taken until they can decide who's turn it is.
If they act disrespectful to eachother during an argument, I send them to opposite ends of the house until they can resolve the argument peacefully. Or a time out from eachother until they are calm.

I really don't have a set time limit for a time out like Supernanny. I use it more as a tool for teaching themselves to calm down when they experience runaway emotions. So they can come out whenever they feel calm. It usually doesn't take very long before they are ready to have a calm discussion afterwards. I don't really agree with using a time out as a punishment like Super Nanny suggests. My goal is for my children to give themselves a time out when they feel overwhelmed and may make a bad decision. It seems to be working wonderfully!

I use to implement time outs specifically for disrecpectful behaviour.... like my son's hitting to:
a) immediately stop the behaviour
b) ignore the behaviour
c) teach him to cool himself down
d) once he is calm talk about what he could have done instead when he is receptive.

I do agree with how she speaks to the children. At eye level, in a calm but firm voice. But I think in addition to that you have to talk to the child about what behaviour you DO expect of them in that situation or an appropriate alternative to a forbidden behaviour.

Kelly - posted on 06/10/2011

Dana, that is ADORABLE!! Sometimes when J is frustrated with anything at all--not just me--he will retreat to his room to play. Most of the time, he plays in the living room where he can see me, but it's cute now seeing him recognizing his own stresses before it gets out of hand and going to cool off on his own.

Kelly - posted on 06/10/2011

I agree with Jodi. The first time he throws the toy, it's gone. Ours go into a green tote--it used to be above the fridge, but now it's in the garage, so it just takes two seconds for me to toss it in there, and I know where to find it the next day so I can give it back.

If he pitches a fit after I take the toy away, that's where the time out comes into play.

Laura Zoey - posted on 06/10/2011

I'll try that :) so simple, why didn't I think of it!

Lissa - posted on 06/10/2011

I'm with Jodi, take the toy away if he throws it after he has already been warned. They soon figure it out, as long as you are consistent.

Jodi - posted on 06/10/2011

I would remove the toy and make it clear that the toy is gone because he threw it and continued to throw it even if told not to. I would have warned him of the consequence after the first time, and then followed through with the consequence. They do eventually "get it".

Laura Zoey - posted on 06/10/2011

What would you guys do in the situation-
2 year old throws toy, you say no throwing, he throws again, you look him in the eyes and say we do not throw toys, he looks right back and throws it.

This is where we do a time out as a discipline method. What other options would you suggest if you don't do time outs as discipline?

Jodi - posted on 06/10/2011

I don't use time out as punishment. Generally it is literally just "time out" from each other. Admittedly, my kids are older, time out is about calming down, regrouping and then dealing with the issue at hand. So yes, I DO send my kids to their rooms. It hoenstly is as much time out for me as it is for them. I don't care if they go to their room and play, or read, or whatever it is they do. For us it is about calming down enough to then deal with it.

And it IS actually a very rare occurrence around here. Mostly my children listen these days, and will pull up when I warn them that their behaviour is getting beyond acceptable. So whatever I have been doing, I must be doing something right.

Angela - posted on 06/10/2011

Yes, I just use the the same method as Dana, I don't call it a time out and I do not say it is a punsihment, I just say you need to go play in your room. I don't care if she plays really as long as we both get our time out and then can calm down. If she is really naughty like throwing a toy, I just remove the toy, she gets mad, cries and I say I think you need some alone time to calm down. I have also said Mommy needs to be alone too!

Chatty - posted on 06/10/2011

I've heard of some people doing it in a highchair where they're safe and confined. I dunno. Just throwin' that out there. It's late and I'm off to bed.

I'll be back on Wednesday next week.....YAY VACATION!

Chatty - posted on 06/09/2011

Kelly, when Roxanne goes to her room, she usually cries....then cries louder.....then you can hear her talking to herself and telling her dolls that she's mad at me, or she's sad and she's crying because mommy isn't fair.

Chatty - posted on 06/09/2011

I don't do the 'Super Nanny time out'......I believe that time-outs are just that.....a time-out, to cool off, for both the parent and the child.

When things get really frustrating and I'm on the verge of snapping OR Roxanne is upset and carrying on, I'll suggest some time to calm down and reflect on the behaviour, then we come back together and discuss what happened.

Roxanne often excuses herself and chooses to retreat to her room for some quiet time and then she'll come out and say, "I not crying anymore, mommy!"

I think whether you use the bed or not depends on the child. I used to think the same thing, Laura, but Roxanne never had a problem being in her room and she LOVE LOVE LOVES bedtime. As a matter of fact, she'll sometimes say, "I tired mommy! I wanna nap!" and then she'll scale her crib trying to get in.

Awwww, I miss her......it's midnight here and she's sleeping. She's the best!

Kelly - posted on 06/09/2011

I think it depends on the type of time-out you use, and your motive for the time-out--do you want it to be a punishment, or do you want it to be a time to help them cool off? It also depends on you and the kid. We only use time-outs for disrespectful behavior and tantrums.

We use J's room because that is a place where he feels happy, safe, and in control. For us, time-out is not a punishment, it is a chance to be removed from the negative situation and work through the emotion until he feels better, so I want him to have tools available to help him move on. If J sat in the corner or in a chair for time-outs, he would just stew over how angry he is--he's a lot like me in that aspect.

I want our time-outs to be the place where he goes to gain control over his emotion, think about how to express it properly, and move on. Being in a place where he is in control and allowed to do **Basically** anything he wants to, within reason, helps him to tame his emotion, and his room gives him access to tools to help him express his emotion.

I have always gravitated towards activities that push the negative emotion away (and if you read my other post, you'll see I'm probably wrong about this), but when J is in there alone, he tends to gravitate towards more aggressive activities--crashing cars, tearing up paper, throwing bounce balls at his targets, etc.. In my other thread, on of the responses recommended activities to help him express anger, and what I'm realizing, is that she was totally correct in that, because he figured that out himself. So the time-outs are effective so long as I let him do it himself.

The duration of our time-out is left up to J--he can stay as little or as long as he likes. That way, he never feels confined or powerless.

So basically, I recommend a place where he is comfortable, confident, and has access to things that will help him tame his anger.


Now, if you are using them for something other than tantrums and disrespect, I do not know how to use time-outs for that, so disregard :P

Lissa - posted on 06/09/2011

I thought maybe I should elaborate on my reply. Depending on the age of the children there are lots of things we do before I would give time out. Hitting for example would be saying we don't hit it hurts, we use gentle hands. Shouting or being rude again it's we do not speak to each other like that, it hurts feelings. Arguing among sibling I would get them to work together to find a solution to the problem. The boring step is really only when they repeat the behaviour or when they have got themselves so worked up they need to calm down before things can be sorted. We always talk about why they had to sit there and ask them to make sure they understand. Also calling it the boring step I think is more positive as it's saying when we behave like that we don't get the fun stuff. When we behave in a nice way everything is fun, rather than look at your naughty behaviour.

Lissa - posted on 06/09/2011

Definitely not their bedrooms, we have the boring stairs. When your behaviour is out of order and you wont listen you sit on the boring stairs where there is nothing to do and no fun. When you have calmed down and had a chat about it you can have fun again.
Yes we have used it at others houses and we always make it a step, nobody wants to sit on the boring step, it's no fun.