Marriage: just a contract?
107 Answers
Is it better for a husband and wife who are fighting to stay together or be apart?
40 Answers
96 Votes
I was the child of divorced parents and I must say that my Mom tried hard to "hold the family together", but I was truly happier when they split. There was a sense of peace in the house and we were all happier. I had the same experience (sadly) in my own marriage and my daughters (now 11 and 13) have said that they felt that they noticed a distinct sense of happiness and calm in our house after their Dad left.
Too often we try to hold a family together because we know how hard and sad it will be, but it is to the detriment of our children. We must remember that children thrive in an environment o0f love and peace- not just one of 2 parents.
66 Votes
I think that we live in a throw away society these days, we are so used to immeadiate gratification, with the internet, and fast pace living, we have everything at our finger tips, fast. If something doesn't work, we chuck it and get a new ""better'' one. Its become the norm in society to give up on a marriage because it got hard. They all do!!. The secret to a sucessfull one, is deciding to stay at these times, and rise above what is going on in the moment and look at the bigger picture, the promises you made in your vows. No 2 people are the same, always thinking the same, its not about just finding the right partner, its also in being the right partner. You need to work on a marriage every day. I was the child of a single mother, then a mum and step Dad, I was never happier than the day my step Dad told me to call him Dad from now on, so I've been on the other side of what other people are saying. My parents are still together 28 years later. I love how they are such a team, and even when it gets tough, and they fight, they love each other anyway. That gives me great joy, and great hope and faith for the sucess of my own marriage. We do things very deliberatly to strengthen our relationship, watch the dvd series marriage on the rock series, it did amazing things for us, can't recommend highly enough!!, read the 5 languages of love, my partner listened on audio book he doesnt like reading.. read captivating, for you and wild at heart for your man. Another thing I think is important, don't stay together for your kids, stay together for yourselves. Your relationship should come first. Its a role model for them to learn from, and one day they will grow up and move out, but you'll still have eachother. Putting your relationship first has a flow on effect that benefits your kids. I hope you can get to a better place with it, I hope you don't give up without a fight, good luck!!
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Candace - commented on Dec 21, 2011
Well said.
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Heather - commented on Dec 21, 2011
Couldn't agree more! Marrige is work!!! It takes an effort on both parts. In our case we have made it through more than most couples ever have to experience, a special needs child changes every aspect of your life. But we love each other, and we know to keep each other happy and spend time on us so we can be the best parents possible for our kids. But my husband is an amazing guy and even better daddy. Not everyone has such a good partner though and in those cases I pass no judgment for parents divorcing.
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Angie - commented on Dec 21, 2011
Agreed! Any couple who has made it to celebrate their 20th, 30th, or 60th wedding anniversary will tell you that there were times...heck, years even..that they didn't feel like they were "in love". But the reward that you get from having gone through tough times and sticking it out together is beyond amazing. I don't know any "old timers" who regret having stuck it out!!
32 Votes
I agonized over this for years and years. I fought hard to make my marriage work and be happy. We had a perfect seeming family. But we put up with things no one should ever put up with -- my ex's alcohol and drug abuse, violence, and inability to hold a job. It has taken a long time for me and my children to recover from our fantasy about what a happy family we were -- our memories are very affected by my attempts to suck it up and put on a good face. Someone once told me that there are three "A's" you cannot ignore in a marriage: addiction, adultery and abuse. I wish I had listened sooner.
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Sheila - commented on Dec 21, 2011
I applaud you for your answer and was scrolling down to see if anyone would even come close to touching on the subject of why some marriages are just not repairable. I would like to add to that list mental illness. My husband has bi-polar and the ugly anger and negativity, not to mention costly mistakes and loss of jobs is becoming unbearable. My 4 children and I are constantly the victims. This post has been helpful for me to see that sometimes kids can benefit from divorce, but before I thought it would only be damaging. Divorce felt like a selfish option.FYI- We have sought separate counseling but have as yet to get marital counseling.
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Suzanne - commented on Dec 22, 2011
Sheila - thanks for your note. I would like to add that I have one child who lives in a cycle of anger and depression, and another child who literally does not have memories of his early life. For a long time I blamed myself this was because I had "broken up" our happy family. As I grow and heal, however, I think it has more to do with the cognitive dissonance of "appearing" normal while unthinkable things were going on. We are all healing, with time, but PLEASE ladies -- if your husband is constantly yelling at you -- or you at him -- then really, truly think about whether that's the environment your children should be growing up in. If you came from a home where there was arguing, tension and physical punishment things that are unacceptable may seem normal to you. You owe it to yourself to live a happy life -- and you owe it to your children to model a happy life. It's a dark path from here to there, but worth the journey.
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Kate - commented on Dec 23, 2011
24 Votes
I think people do stay together for their children more often than we'd like to admit. I am lucky enough to not have this issue in my own relationship, but other members of my family (uncles/aunts) have been in this situation. I can't help but respect and admire someone who puts aside their own happiness and desires in order to provide a stable family environment for their children. The only caveat in my mind is that both the parents have to be mature enough to not fight like cats and dogs in order for the ruse to be a positive influence. If you can't find any common ground, you'll end up hating each other, and children will pick up on this. Respect and love must be taught, so just be sure you are setting a positive example for your children, whether together or apart.
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Amy - commented on Jun 26, 2011
Putting aside your own happiness for the sake of the children is just unhealthy. In the end there will be many regrets and possible resentment either from parent or child. You do what is best for YOU not for the kids. If the marriage is toxic for you it will be for the kids. THe only to set things aside is when you are separated. Getting along THEN for the sake of the children is what you should do not suck it up for the sake of parents being unhappy together. Just because one doesn't fight infront of one another it doesn't mean there is no hostility towards one another,kids can feel it.
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Nettia - commented on Aug 11, 2011
Wow! It seems you have some experience with this issue, but I must say that your answer may not be the answer for everyone. Just because a couple fights doesn't mean that they should just throw it away because they don't want the kids to see it. I have seen people including myself work it out- kids or not. In addition, regardless of what anyone says, I'm not going to the support the idea of "You do what is best for YOU not for the kids." Again, there are situations when that may be appropriate for some, but not me and certainly not all. I make many sacrifices for my children, because they can't do for themselves and that's what I feel that parents are called to do as such. However, I do think that when the children are being negatively affected by a couple's issues, there needs to be a change made somewhere even if it is separation.
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Me - commented on Dec 20, 2011
I agree with all 3 of you. You can't do what's just best for you, because when your a parent...its not "just you" anymore. I am glad for this question as its a situation i'm dealing with now. The children will be affected regardless.
19 Votes
it is better for the children to see their parents apart but happy, than together n unhappy
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Donita - commented on Jul 21, 2012
yes
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18 Votes
He will grow up when he is ready. Yes he has agreed to go to counseling but it you may still feel the same way you do know even if he does start to mature. Staying together just to have mommy and daddy in the same house isn't healthy for anyone involved. If you are unhappy emotionally then your babies will know no matterhow much you try to hide it. Plus I have seen both sides of parents that have split. There are 2 kinds.
1st the parents that stayed together until they hated each other. Fight on he phone, fight at special occasions, and ight if their children should go to Harvard or Yale. Children pray everytime they know their parents will be within yelling distance of each other tat they won't be embarrassed again.
2nd type: Parents that realize they can'tfix their issues. they seperate peacefully,and coparent together. Have healthy conversations and make decisions based on what it right for their children. Children in this situation just say yeah my parents aren't together but they are friends still.
It is your relationship but don't do it to keep a 2 parent household. Do it because it makes you happy and it will help them to stay happy.
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Debbie - commented on Jan 11, 2012
I totally agree with you...im the 2nd type...
14 Votes
T O G E T H E R ! Never apart ...not if you can help it ! NOT IF YOU CAN HELP IT!
BE A LOVER NOT A FIGHTER !! MUAH!!
Take a time out, recall why you fell so darn in Love with him! Treat him/or her like your boyfriend/ girlfriend.... once in a while, compliment him , dont ever give him a reason to cheat or leave the home. I find that if I try not to hold grudges, and forgive quickly that with practice, try to correct our communication, then eventually everything works out! Lets Face it, Life is short , Dont spend life fighting, spend it as Happy as possible, as Happy as YOU are capable of, and reminding ourselves, that if we have children, our biggest job is to have Fun setting the example for your THEM!
Why would you leave your home, or allow him to go out there and do who knows what while you are angry and hate each other for the moment, or maybe momentS....LOLOL so then he/ or WE can justify why we did what we did when we were angry with each other and out with friends....Not pretty ...it can get ugly....Are you willing to share him with someone, because he left the house and did something stupid. Share his/ her thoughts to a stranger ? or maybe even start to confide in someone who he/she can talk to to about the problems in YOUR marriage.....It happens every day...these are the affairs...the one night stands, and the reason...we justify everything. "You made me mad!, I was angry! You dont love me! Actions speak louder than words and you never show me you love me! Then their response...is ..."I dont know why....But, I can talk to him/ her so much easier! ..They appreciate me, conforted me in a time of need!! Blah Blah............Then we have 2 problems instead of one...LOL UGH!!!
For real, us women are capable of many things when we are pissed at our husbands, and that doesnt mean going to the Mall and spending their money! LOL Although...that feels pretty good...LOL But ...Lets face it, .......Thats minimal damage!! LOL
Get it together! Pull yourself together and really think about this ! Hash it out, what good is it if you leave each other.
TIME OUT
Take a time out ( sort of speak ) but that doesnt mean to leave your home. Go into seperate rooms ( never overnight ) or go out for a drive, Not a BAR! Make sure each one of you are able to bring back to the table what you needed to discuss at the time things got out of hand. While in this TIME OUT.....rememeber 2 things, I always try to do and sometimes are very difficult to do, but at least TRY....Just try : )) I am sure you have many reasons to try! My three are my kids, and it is who I think of each time, and what example I am setting. This also shows your children, you were always willing to try and correct things, and not just running out and giving up.
RECALL
1) Why you love him and married him! ALL positive aspects. Change that negative energy to a positive one!
I think of things like......: Our wedding day ..we cried like babies..so happy! The look on his face each time our babies were born. When he took care of me after the kids were born,.. How he cried when he came to see me at the hospital after a bad car accident, the great dad he is with our children, When I watch im play catch in the back yard with the boy.... How he helps me out " ONCE IN A blue moon,..." NOT>>>>ok...too many!! reasons...LOL
2) Try to be a listener! Not the talker. Think of what you say and find THE BEST way to say it or express yourself.... WITHOUT HURTING FEELINGS OR PUTTING HIM/ HER DOWN..... it may not get resolved right away...but you BOTH coming back to face the music is a very important task you will contribute too throughout your marriage and let me tell you It takes A LOT of practice!
What I think of.....: This is the perfect time to react to him as you would one of your Best Girlfriends, or guy friends...their are things we do and say to them, that we dont do and say with our spouses...Why is this? Because we change, for some reason we just forget, those first converstions of when we dated, when we first met, our first kiss, and the things we would say to them,and the things you did not....
Praise him if he says sorry, even if you think he is wrong, apologize and tell him you feel terrible when you fight. Listen to him and throw in ONE compliment of him as you would your best friend. Dont be anymore judgemental, or say anything to him/her you would not say to a best friend. Try it ...it works, one great example is when he leaves his clothers on the floor. Eventually it gets picked up, but when I first married, I Freaked ! If it were my roomate, or best friend, I would of FOUND a nice way to tell him. Its How you say it, and what you say, and MOST definietly WHEN!
Dont make it a contest, as to who wins or looses the argument! Make it a learning experience, and try to learn from it. Recall your own faults, and Go forward,...dont waste time.
SMILE OFTEN FORGIVE QUICKLY !
Smile Often & forgive quickly! My Great belief in almost 16 years of marriage to a man who I adore, yet at times, I want to strangle....LOL
LAST BUT NOT LEAST ..
LIFE IS SHORT, YOU DONT KNOW IF YOU'LL SEE HIM AFTER HE LEAVES FOR WORK TODAY! OR IF HE RAN OUT TO GRAB SOME MILK! DONT WASTE YOUR DAYS FIGHTING!
Imagine everyday you leave each other for work, or what have you, that he or she may not come back . Fate is funny, a car accident, maybe someone who caught his or her eye at work or at the gym, even a gas station..... There will always be someone willing to take your left overs ! LOL
Make the best of your life! Make Lemonade with the lemons ! and most importantly...even when you are angry with each other - P R A Y together when you go to bed at night! If you dont do this now, start....take turns each night as you lie in bed.
There will be days you allow him to leave without a kiss, or an "I love you", It Happens. But YOU have the choice! Try not to make this mistake too many days in your marriage! It isnt worth it.
Obviously, the argument may not be as simple as what you cooked for dinnner, or a disargeement on bills and spending money, but take the time to pick your battles....You wont win all of them, and dont try to change someone either, they are who they are! You fell in love with them, what gives you the right to want them different now?
Lets face it , we are the leaders in the marriage when it comes to emotions, and communication, without us they are Nada! LOL "Behind every good man, is his women...right ?" Take care
God Bless
Cynthia
Muah ! XO
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Michelle - commented on Jan 5, 2012
my aunt and uncle practice c.p.r. c= Communication (very important) p= Patience r= Respect try this and also read the 5 Love Languages and The Love Dare, and Relationship Rescue.. but do it together and pray. It will still be a hard journey that could take many years. I am 37 and have been married 20 years and if we make it to july 21 years and it is still a chore. but the cpr method and all the books and counseling, talking really helps. But what i can say that helps is the power of forgiveness.. if you cant forgive there is no hope for you! I hope and pray for all of you that you never fail to give up. try everything you can and if it doesnt work then leave for awhile and come back. i left for two month (end april 2011 and came back july 5. 2011) it helped put things into perspective... now i know what i truly want.. Prayer works too. God bless to all of those having trouble, i pray that everything works out for you! Sincerely, Michelle Tscherne
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Katie - commented on Feb 24, 2012
Thank you so much for posting this! I totally needed this right now at this point in my marriage. We have been married for 6 years and been together for 7 and we have been through a lot. I feel like right now we are going through a hard time and I am ready to throw in the towel for stupid reasons....I don't know what I would do without him even though he can be a bone head sometimes. I just get so upset and frustrated that I can't take the stress anymore but in the grand scheme of things, it really is small... : ) Thank you again!
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Jennifer - commented on Jul 24, 2012
Do you know why the older generation survived and lived their marriages??? BEcuase they WORKED at it! They din't let it slip. Marriage is not instant coffee!!!
11 Votes
It's impossible to give a "one size fits all" response because every marriage is different. When you have given your marriage your best efforts for at least a year and nothing has changed, then ask yourself "Are you better off with him or without him?" Life is too short to stay stuck in a miserable marriage for years if you are the only one who wants your relationship to be different. Good luck.
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Angela - commented on Mar 27, 2012
Probably the best answer I've seen on this thread. It really IS true that the "one size fits all" approach doesn't apply to marriage. I think splitting up probably is the best thing for some couples (given their circumstances) and working on the marriage in order to stay together is better for other couples. You need to look at the maturity of the couple - and how "equal" they are. This is a great clue to whether it's going to be worth fighting to preserve your relationship or whether it's just going to compound the misery all round for the couple and any children they have to stay together any longer. Some authorities have said that making it harder to divorce would force couples to stay together and really work on their marriage for longer. This isn't the answer. I actually believe it should be made harder for them to marry in the first place - this would be a more effective idea! If couple had to really examine their relationship with one another, look at their motives for wanting to get married, sit tests, talk to clergy/counsellers/relationship therapists and advisors, get scored on tests etc .... before marrying, it would highlight the possible pitfalls and concerns, examine the true compatibility of the couple and better prepare them for what lies ahead. Some Churches do this with couples before agreeing to marry them in Church (although it should be remembered that not every couple is religious/or wants a Church wedding). One minister on the TV said that he felt this approach worked because in the 2½ years he'd been running these courses from his Church, 3 couples had decided not to go ahead with their wedding. This is actually a very good result! It seems to weed out at least some of the couples who may be headed for divorce!
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Jennifer - commented on Sep 3, 2012
I so agree with you Angela! When my husband and I got married, we had to take a compatibility test. BUT no one told us how BAD our scores were or that we should reconsider or give it more time! They later revealed to us (b/c my mom works at that church) that we had the LOWEST scores that any of them had seen in years. Now we have been married 4 years, have a 3 year old son, have been in marriage counseling for a total of about 2 years, individual counseling, and read all the books together, prayed together, etc. and still constantly bicker, fight, no longer sleep together, etc. It is miserable but we both refuse to leave. But if it were harder to get married in the first place maybe we wouldn't be here...
11 Votes
I highly suggest reading and rereading "The Five Love Languages" and "Men are from Mars..." and having a good friend read them with you, or if your spouse is open to reading along with you, that would be ideal. Unfortunately, my experience of friends and also research shows counseling does not do much good by iteself. If your clear vision is to have this relationship change into a harmonious one, there is alot of hope and all tools can and should be used to that end, its important thogh you think through what exactly your goal is and you focus on changing yourself to bring that end into reality, you cannot change your parnter.
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Rachel - commented on Nov 21, 2011
I would add "the proper care and feeding of husbands" to that list. I truly believe when we learn to be a better spouse, and live less selfishly in our relationships, we can find the greatest happiness in life.
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Michele - commented on Dec 7, 2011
Also- "The Love Dare" - great book - saved many marriages..
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Angie - commented on Dec 21, 2011
YES!! To Rachel and Michele! Once you get married and have children, the notion that you should do what's best for yourself regardless of what's best for anyone else is simply selfish. (I know. I've been guilty of it.) I've been married three times. I'm hear to tell you that, while there is OCCASIONALLY a marriage that simply cannot be saved, those are few and far between if the parents will simply put there hearts and their actions into saving it.
6 Votes
Check out the book "The Love Dare". It is a series of 40 dares - dare to love. Try it - I am on 23 - it has changed everything dramatically in our relationship. We were thinking divorce a year ago.
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Melanie - commented on Dec 21, 2011
life is hard so relationship too!! you have to fight to make it works!! Also- "The Love Dare" - great book - saved many marriages.. .
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Jessica - commented on Dec 22, 2011
It definately is an amazing book. A must for all married couples I must say.
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Faith - commented on Jan 1, 2013
My husband did The Love Dare on me it saved our marriage.
6 Votes
If there are children involved, then I suggest to divorce. I am an only child of divorced parents. I feel that if you stay together and the fighting continues, you will only harm the child/ren. Said child/ren will become depressed, withdrawn and not want 6to spend any time at home once they get to the age of hanging out with friends. I was lucky, my parents divorced to not argue in front of me. They got along great!!
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Wendi - commented on Sep 29, 2011
You are are lucky lori.! your parents knew how to be reponsible. i applaud your parents. you are rare kind of situation.
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5 Votes
I believe if there is excessive fighting and therapy has not helped they should consider divorce. My parents got divorced when I was 4 and a half and my brother was 18 months. I don't remember much of them when they were married but when they were getting separated and divorced there was fighting. But now they are like "best friends". It is the same way for my son's father and I. We were never married and broke up right before we found out that we were pregnant. We are still good friends and only want the best for our son.
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4 Votes
I asked myself this same question for years, and finally it answered itself. If the parents were not happy, the kids were not happy. And did I want them to see this as an example of what marriage was supposed to be like? They could feel the tension between us, not that we ever fought in front of them, but we were not more than civil. One of you may have already mentally left the relationship, and are just physically hanging in there for the kids. I would suggest talking to your spouse, you are in the relationship together....joint parenting for the rest of your lives. It is up to both of you to save the marriage, it can't be a solo effort, and make changes to improve the relationship. Sometimes things just don't work out, and you realize you should have said something sooner. Speak up, if need be find a counselor to talk to. Wishing you all the best!
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Me - commented on Dec 22, 2011
I have asked this same question for years too....still ask it. It wasn't until last year i told my husband I had had enough & wanted a divorce that some of the anger left. (he wasn't an explosion waiting to happen) but I just don't have the emotion left anymore. I've been trying to "fix" me for the past year. so far i can't find a way to love him again, but he cotinues to make "comments" that he says is a joke that just remind me why i asked for the divorce. today, my 10 yr old hit his (8 yr old)brother with something & then lashed verbally to him & his older brother while i was dropping off something to a friend. I was going to spank him with the same thing that he hurt his brother with, so he understood the pain that he caused with it. But decided i decided to ask him if he could tell me why he lashes out. Outside of hurting from the loss of our animals over the years, he said he remembers his dad's anger a lot & his dad & I argue in various rooms or outside & it upset them. Which just backed up what it thought. My husband said after i told him that it was because i am not being affectionate with him in front of them that they are seeing, so they know there's a problem. LOL yep...that's the only problem....Not. Counseling may help, also check & see if you can find someone who does Emotional release therapy. I am going to check into it myself & see if it helps in anyway shape or form
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Lynda - commented on Dec 23, 2011
In my marriage, my ex just was no longer emotionally there. He was making the best of it. I knew something was wrong. It caused alot of tension, and bitterness on both our parts. What used to be light hearted banter turned to personal attacks, and sarcasm replaced witty reply. Counseling works for most when both partners want to try, but an honest conversation between adults....when both are prepared to listen is a good start. Looking back now, early in our marriage we didn't talk about problems in our relationship, it wasn't until the very end, and we both were saying..I wish you had told me. Too late now. I fought the idea of divorce, hated the thought of being a quitter, but you can't make work all by yourself. We, my ex and I, talked it over and agreed it was for the best. Four years later, I am engaged to a wonderful man, and believe me I work on my communication skills! Though my sarcasm seems to sneak out, or my silent angry walk away when I reach my limit. I notice less of it in my son, and within a year of my divorce he wa singing and whistling. That tells me all I need to know. My children's wellbeing are more important to me than any relationship
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Me - commented on Dec 30, 2011
Lynda, you & your ex sound like me & my hubby now.....we've never been able to talk to each other. I have tried for years & since I asked for a divorce last year, its gotten a little better. Before that when i would try to talk to him about how a comment he said had made me feel or even talk about bills coming up to try & get a budget set.....it would turn into a fight & he was instantly mad. his "jokes".....99% of the time I never knew that's what they were, because of his facial gestures & body language...it wasn't until i reacted that he'd get mad & say "it was just a joke". We tried counseling.....had 8 free sessions each (a trial thing through our insurance) & it was a waste of time. He was against it from the beginning, but when the counselor told him a comment that i had made, he assumed it was her personal view & he refused to go back whether it was as a couple or seperately. He felt the counselor was "pro-divorce" even though if he would have paid attention, would have seen that she was neutral & was trying to give us communication skills.
4 Votes
What is the reason for the fighting myy husband and i argue but as i tell my children. We love each other and sometimes we dont see eye to eye. I hope they realize marriage is not easy you have to work at it. THERE WILL BE GOOD TIMES AND BAD. But if you really love someone you work thru those issues that are making you fight and find a solution. So I believe that we are teaching them many things for example not to give up for something or someone you really believe in and to work thru issues and not just give up when life gets hard.
4 Votes
I am going through this right now, it is so hard to decide what to do, on one hand you want to keep the family together but on the other hand it is not a happy home. Lately me and my kids have been walking on eggshells, I am really thinking that being apart will take a huge weight of my shoulders and my kids shoulders as well!
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Alda - commented on Jan 30, 2012
I'm in the same position. I desperately want to leave but have nowhere to go. And your feet get really sore from walking on those eggshells lol!
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Liz - commented on Feb 28, 2012
I too am going through this right now! I found out about a year ago that he cheated on me. No changes on his part to make things better for our family, he leaves for months out of town for a job that he says for his family . ugggg! i have read so many comments and have prayed to God so many nights crying for me to do the right thing for our kids and for me. He is coming home tomorrow from a long trip and I need to tell him what I want.For once not what he always wants and does.(LEAVE)!!!! : ( Sorry for you girls,women and moms going through this! Yolanda I always walk on eggshells when he's home. Alda I hope you find a place to go. I wish I could help you! xo
4 Votes
Try to work through your problems with each other.If that doesnt work, it wouldn't be a good idea to stay together, as it could get worse.Especially if children are present.
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4 Votes
I was raised with divorced parents and it was a much happier child hood with parents apart
4 Votes
You will just end up depressed and lonely if you are feeling this way now.
4 Votes
Please go to counseling, even if he does not. You can get the support you need to do what is right for you and your child. The quality of the household relationship will be felt by your child. If it is unhappy, you sound unhappy, so will your child be happy? Whether he is younger or older than you, he will grow up when he is ready. Who knows how long that can take. Keep the focus on improving your life and your child.
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Jody - commented on Dec 6, 2011
Great insight Meg...one must begin within. Counseling by yourself gives you the strength to make better decision all because you are in a stronger emotional place.
4 Votes
I have been in a marriage for 20+ years. I have been told I am a battered woman. You talk about the emotional neglect. A person has to want to get help, you can not change them. It does not matter the age difference between you, it matters does he want to be different. My husband does not want to change and the information he gets from his counselors the few times he has gone he only uses to abuse me more emotionally, mentally, and in the past sexually. I have resently made the decision to work on getting myself into a position to divorce him. But with special needs kids and no daycare in the town we live that will take special needs kids I don't know really how I am going to pull it off. I also was manipulated into being a sahm so I have no income at this point which I am trying to change as well. What happened to me is my spouse has gotten worse over the years and the mental games are unbelievable. So you ultimately have to make the decision yourself but after 5 years and if there is no signs of him wanting to change himself it could wind up only getting worse. If you want to use him until you are done with school that is your option but what is best for the child in that case. If he is neglecting you, is he neglecting the child. My children, I have 4, have all had some form of side effect from their dad emotionally neglecting them. I feel bad for my kids but I did not know what was happening at the time. I have 3 out of 4 seeing counselors. The 4th one has less communication skills and the teachers at his school do not feel he could communicate his thoughts well enough to go to a counselor. But his behaviors tell me he knows his dad is not being a dad. Good luck this is not easy to decide. My experience is don't stay but not everyone is like my spouse.
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Pamala - commented on Jul 22, 2011
Dionne, I have been there. You get to feel so trapped and out of control that you think you can't make it alone. You need to discover what a wonderful person you are. There are men out there who are kind and funny and considerate. Good luck to you and I pray for the best for your family.
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Wendi - commented on Sep 29, 2011
you need to get a job and live with so" "e of your faily until you get back on you feet and get custody of your kids. i" " sorry for what happend to you. i hope all works out for you. take care of yourself.
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Tamara R - commented on Oct 11, 2011
Dionne, you have already taken the first step by acknowledging the dysfunction and the thought you have put into dissolving a bad marriage. Somehow and someway with the Grace of God, friends and loved ones you will find your way. I encourage a friend who just left a marriage after 24 yrs. of abuse to begin an internet business. She lives in Australia and I gave her the name of some international sites that would love the items she could share for sale on the internet. My son and I lost my former dream home due to toxic mold. We both were brain damaged and very ill. I owned a thriving business and was making in the six figures; however with brain damage I had to step down and take care of myself and my son. I did work part-time and managed to make ends meet with far less income. With all that my son and I went through together has created a wonderful bond of trust, communication and security for both of us. You are courageous in the move you are taking. I am not religious; however I am spiritual and faith got me through all of this. I have been chronically ill for 13 yrs. now; yet I still have my internet businesses going. I created niches that nobody else had and generated a decent income for many years with these internet sites. Working from home is an ideal answer for your situation. On the other hand, if you have friends and family who are willing to help you might consider temporary work. They will train you in all the computer knowledge you need. Some temp firms even offer insurance. This is for your self-esteem. Get out of the house, dress up, put some make-up on and discover who you are when not in a negative relationship. I am certain you will be pleased either way with the outcome of a divorce. Remember when one door closes another door opens. Keep the faith and continue to move forward. We here on Circle of Moms are cheering you on in your new life. We're here to lean on and talk to. If we didn't care we would not be on this site. From here it's onward and upward!!!
3 Votes
WOULD YOU WANT TO STAY WITH SOMEONE WHO MAKES YOU UNHAPPY. IF THERE ARE KIDS INVOLVED . THEY SHUOLD BE CONSIDERED. WILL IT HARM THEM. BETTER TO BE APART. UNLESS BOTH OF THE PARENTS ARE SERIOUS ABOUT GETTING PROFESSIONAL HELP.
3 Votes
It is far healthier to live with one happy parent than to grow up with two unhappy ones. Children might grow up thinking that this is a normal way of life and could affect them badly forever.
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3 Votes
The sad truth is, it is easier to start a long lasting relationship with few, if any, fights, by choosing the right partner BEFORE getting married and having children. I agree with Kristy's comments about the disposable and instant gratification our society has become. We put so much thought into our education, careers, houses, wardrobe, cars, food, etc., but very little "planning" into choosing our partners. We allow our emotions to dictate our decisions, and then act surprised when it isn't "working" anymore. I used to be a manager that did a lot of hiring, and I used to ask relevant questions during interviews to find the best match for the job. If people took this approach when dating, they would narrow down their "bad" choices immensely! It takes approximately 6 mos. to get to know someone enough to know if they have what it takes to go the distance. We need to know when to call it quits during that phase, rather than ignore the signs that are already there, that you may not be a match. Interview their family members and see how they were raised. What kind of relationship they had/have with the parents, will be a good indicator of what you can look forward to from a partner. And if you set your sights high, be prepared to bring your best self to the table, as well. Water seeks it's own level, so if you have a lot of baggage, get yourself right first, and learn how to be in a relationship. All the "save your marriage" books are awesome, but wouldn't it be nice to never find yourself in that situation to begin with? I know it's not a popular opinion to actually believe that people can take responsibility for their choices in life, but when kids are involved, you can't just act like someone forced you to marry that person and make babies. If it's too late for you, you should at least teach your children how to not make the same mistakes and show them how to choose a good partner in life. Just my two cents on the subject....
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Angela - commented on Mar 27, 2012
Hi Erin, I agree with what you say (check out my response to Cherease Dillon above). I really think that some of the solution is in extensive pre-marital counselling and compatibility courses which are offered by some Churches as well as secular authorities. Assessing a partner and his/her family situation before committing is helpful as well. A lot of young people (male as well as female) are goal orientated and will overlook issues or potential issues in order to get to the altar faster though. My friend is happily married to a wonderful, hard-working man who adores her and their baby. He comes from a family who are all ne'er-do-wells, criminals etc ... He is apparently the only decent one among them. By the same token, anyone can marry someone who turns out to be the rotten apple in a decent family. I believe it's always going to be a gamble. But we can reduce the odds for ourselves and make it less of a gamble, if we're wise.
3 Votes
As I am reading all these comments - I can see everyone’s points. Marriage is hard. It takes work and many people are quick to give up when things get hard. However, I agree 100% that when you are in a truly toxic situation-- GET OUT. Speaking from experience. I was in a very toxic marriage for 6 years. By toxic - I am talking about extreme situations (adultery, physical abuse, mental abuse, etc..)
I thought I was doing the right thing by staying in for my child and "making the most" out of my situation, but the only thing it did was cause hurt and resentment not only between me and my spouse, but with my baby as well. We NEVER fought in front of my daughter, but she always knew there was something off. Something not right with mom and dad. When I finally decided to leave my husband, my daughter was 4. Her whole attitude changed when my husband and I split up. She was happier, calmer, showed more interest in school and friends. She actually came to me one day and told me that even though she missed her daddy that she was happier because mommy was happy. THAT right there shows that even though you kids ALWAYS come first... if you aren't ok.. They aren't ok. Leaving my husband and starting a happy/healthy life for us was the best decision I ever made. Not just for me, but for my daughter as well.
I am not in a room to tell anyone if they should split up their family or not. Nobody can tell you what to do or what is in the best interest of your children. That is a decision only you can make. However, I think that each situation is different and unique. I have lived though some VERY unfortunate situations and I made the choice to work at my marriage - try to make it work no matter how unhappy I was. It didn’t work for me and it doesn't for many other people in my same situation. But like I said, mine was a very extreme situation. But that doesn't mean that you should give up on something just because its hard. Life is hard, and if your marriage is worth saving.... give it your all.
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3 Votes
A split mother and father doesn't mean a broken family, it only means that mom lives in one house and dad lives in another. It's only broken if the parents don't stay together as parents. I am divorced, and have a 5 year old son. He is great, happy, loving life and has a mother and a father that love him very much. We keep our relationship to the business of raising our son and that's it. They will not be negatively affected by a beakup if you make sure he's not. But, they and yourselves will be if you stay together in a house filled with pain and anger and hatred.
3 Votes
How can you make your children happy if you yourself are not happy in a relationship? More often than not, your energy goes more toward keeping a poker face in front of your children than going to where it needs to be. On making them happy and healthy. I have gone through many relationships before I found this one. Between the two of us, we have nine children that love us very much! They enjoy spending time with us because there is no fighting and they can just relax and be themselves! Seeing you happy is the best thing for them! If you stay together "for the kids" the truth is that everyone will just be miserable. You'd be surprised at how much children hear, even when you try to keep them away from those things, and how much it really does affect them. If you can't be happy with your relationship, maybe you would be happier apart. It doesn't mean you don't love each other, it just means that you have grown into people that would be happier separated. It happens a lot, and I would advise you to do what makes you the happiest so that you can make your children happy too!
2 Votes
First of all, I'm married. My prospective on that is, if two people cannot see eye to eye or if there is lack of communication, i feel they should go their separate ways. If you are the one trying to hold the relationship together and your spouse just continue on in his/her attitude and not trying to meet you half way, time to hit the road Jack. Remember one hand cannot clap! you must bring the two together to get a sound.Communication and respect is the key! Have a wonderful day!:)
Jacqueline L Ford.
2 Votes
I agree that you have to fight for things. However if it's a constant fight and constant struggle, It isn't healthy for anyone to stay in a realtionship like that. It absolutely isn't fair for the children involved so I believe that if you have to fight that hard and no one is happy then you should just be apart.
2 Votes
If there are children involved, I say no, do NOT stay together. The first place a child learns about relationships is from their parents. Think about that... would you want your son or daughter to stay in a miserable relationship because you did, or because they thought that was what being in love was like?
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Christine - commented on Dec 22, 2011
By the same token, I wouldn't say split up at the first sign of a rough time. I'd say work on it, exhaust your avenues for solutions and then split up. That way you're teaching your child not to just run out, but in the end if it doesn't work it just doesn't, and that there IS life after a break up and the probability of finding a partner that will be more suitable for them.
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Me - commented on Dec 30, 2011
No, getting divorced just because there are slight struggles or disagreements, doesn't teach anyone anything positive, just how to quit. BUT!! a person will usually know when its time.......but even then, sometimes it can be saved...sometimes
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2 Votes
As an ex teacher/assistant cook to Parkrose public scholls for years. One thing I learned is kids adjust better to one parent leaving, so long as said parent decides to stay in the picture. I have 1st hand seen these kids cry literally because mom and dad fought that morning or the night before.
It truly affects a child , when their parents can't fight when their kids are around.Many people do NOT REALIZE what the fighting /tension in the households.
The children I saw with divorced parents, didn't like it but it was explained to them. Then they understood more. Mom dads WAKE UP AND DON'T FIGHT IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS!!!!!
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Rusti - commented on Dec 22, 2011
oops I'm no typist. Sorry
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2 Votes
As much as I wanted my marriage to work out especially for the kids I just couldn't do it anymore!! Yes , I finally gave up for the happiness and sanity of my kids. I tried and tried but at the end it was either my marriage or my sanity and the childhood memories of my little ones. When a marriage has so many problems ....drinking , drugs , a third party or money and the problem continues after so many talks, conselors , pastors , friends and family then you have to make a choice. I felt it was better for my family to leave and start a new life where there was peace and quiet and some kind of normal childhood. I especially didn't want my kids thinking that this is what a relationship/marriage should be like. No child should ever think that it's NORMAL to fight with your spouse so much that when they get into a relationship/marriage and this happens they're just fine with it...no , it not ok to fight everyday. My oldest son who remembers most of the fights was so happy when we left and now says I should have left him a lot sooner.
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Me - commented on Dec 22, 2011
Our marriage has had so many issues from the get-go, the most steady has been financial, which has also made the divorce difficult to get. But that's been the smallest issue. counseling was a waste for us (for him, i'm going back). I think my kids think what we've showed them is normal, especially for the 3 youngest. :(
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Me - commented on Dec 22, 2011
on a personal note...Can i ask who your profile picture is of in the uniform?
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Grisell - commented on Dec 22, 2011
Alli ...that's my oldest son, he is a chief in the Navy!!! He is from my first marriage which also ended in divorce. His father was a drinker and would get violent , that marriage only lasted three years. He was a better father than he was a husband but unfortunately his addiction ended his life six yrs. ago. I raised him the best I could and thank GOD he turned out to be a great son.
2 Votes
Be apart I hated the constant fighting
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Jkgsdfgjkgsdfg - commented on Feb 26, 2012
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2 Votes
Be apart, I have been there it tears your kids apart
2 Votes
My parents fought all the time we would (my bro and I) beg my mom to leave. We were miserable. Even though my mom had to work out of the home more and we struggled financially, we no longer had a feeling of dread when we came home from school. And our visits with our Dad actually healed alot of pain and hurt he had inflicted on us when he was with my mom. The couple of yrs my mom was single and the 2nd women my dad married was the only time in my childhood that was kinda normal.
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Me - commented on Dec 21, 2011
my kids have begged their dad to quit making me cry which just adds to the pain i was in at the moment. He acts differently when we are out in public or around family, he's only shown his true self a few times to my family over the last 17 yrs & my mom had actually tried years ago to get me to get divorced...she saw the (emotional) abuse & me withdrawing as she came from that kind of home (emotional, physical, manipulation), but I just brushed it off & defended him. Even though i knew she was right....but i didn't want to fail again. But i have....i have failed to give my kids the love filled home that i promised to provide when they were born. I dread when he comes home, when he calls, texts or emails (which if i don't answer the phone or a text, he will call several times & texts & emails & will ultimately come home if i don't respond). When i get a chance to go out of an evening (or a rarer afternoon) by myself & fill energized & refreshed...I dread coming back home knowing he's there. I hate being away from the kids & look forward to coming back to them....just not him. There have been times that the kids have told him not to come home (because they don't want the fighting)...I hope things can get better
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2 Votes
I think everyone that is married knows how hard it can be at times. Life can just be plan hard at times and our marriages can take a beating. Marriage is a lot of work and a good one does not come easy both have to be willing to work on it and themselves we can never change anyone else we can only change ourselves. Are you and your husband willing to seek counseling it can be good to have a 3rd person or even another couple to help you to listen to each other and communicate effectively. My husband and I use to argue and not listen to each other but thank God we have learned how to communicate better and really hear one another we get a little rusty at times but God always brings us back. I don't know if you like to read or not but there is a wonderful book called 10 Great Dates to Energize Your Marriage. This book goes over some many issues that we deal with in marriage and then you do a date and work on lesson together. There is a song that says something like i have to go through it with someone it might as well be with you. basiclly no relationship is perfect so even if you divorce and start over there will be issues and when we don't work on ourselves we carry those things into each relationship i hate to hear about divorce but I know it happens everyday but if there is anything worth saving I pray you and your husband can work it out and your marriage be restored. not just that you stop arguing but that you have true love, peace, and joy in your marriage. Blessings
2 Votes
it takes 2 to fight. the children would rather you stay together. i read a study once that whether the parents love each other or not the children don't really notice. but although my mom didn't fight back we tended to agree with my dad which was a bunch of b.s. so i noticed, but i'm glad they stayed together. in those days no one would ever talk about such issues outside the home. today there are many sources of help. i'm for keeping marriages together. you and him are the only ones on earth that have what you share, your children.
good luck!!!!
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Heidi - commented on Jul 1, 2011
Exactly right!! I just quit fighting with my husband. Whenever he wants to pick a fight - I just leave the room.
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Jessica - commented on Aug 13, 2011
what if he follows you? What if you're hiding because you don't want to fight anymore and he hunts you down and tells you that you are the one prolonging it? Sorry but not fighting doesn't work for all men. The ones who need validation from you that THEY ARE RIGHT will hunt you down and follow you to keep the fight going, even when they are wrong because they aren't really fighting with you - they're fighting with themselves and using you as an excuse. Just saying. The don't fight advise doesn't work for everyone. It didn't work for me.
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Wendi - commented on Sep 29, 2011
there can be situations where aybe they are having a real disagre" "nt. if he doesnt want to change then their should be a breakup. i dont think divorce is an option for " "e because we both don't. but if there is real whatever kind of abuse then the person needs to get out of the situation.
1 Vote
I feel it's better to get counciling and be together. It's definitely the harder decision but worth it if you want a meaningful long relationship. I think the couples who give up on each other should, because they prob don't want to be together anyway. If they did they would have a stronger desire to make things work.
1 Vote
What about when hes really trying but I just cant seem to care
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Me - commented on Dec 30, 2011
I'm kind of there now... he is sort of trying, but I just don't care anymore. When we have a good moment (for a couple wks) then he gets mad over nothing & its just another reminder of why i want out. Course he blames me for the upheaval, saying "i'm pulling back or walking away" when "I" haven't changed.
1 Vote
My parents stayed together thick and thin I have to say I have a great deal of respect for them.Truly an example of committment . My brother was married for 32 years and his wife up and left him devastated the family and I have to wonder if putting oneself first is really the answer. We have but one life to live so choose wisley and treat kindly.
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1 Vote
wow, very hot topic I must say. I do not think divorce should be the 1st thing to go for when marriage gets hard ( for the heart and mind). Most break up because of money/ lack of understanding/ and or communication. My mom and dad fought a lot when I was a child, we even caught ear of the fights, but they would worked it out in their own ways and r still together after 42 good and bad years ( yes, there r bad yrs in marriage). What I learned from this, was it is ok to fight and it does not mean you do not love them. On the other hand, as a child I wished they would have divorced. My sister is on her 2nd divorce and I am struggling with my marriage. I do know that a divorce may not be the answer, the answer maybe u. One must open their self up and take a long hard look at what they r do wrong ( yes, we can be doing wrong ) and really listen to what the other is saying. One must except that they helped make a bad marriage and they must help fix it. But it takes both of u to be on the same page and both to fix them self before they work on the marriage. If only one works on them self and trying to make it work, while the other will not except their self destructing part, then divorce might be the only way to be happy. So to sum it up, make sure u are not a destructive part ( both of u bring a destructive part to a bad marriage, that is why it is bad), and find your self, work on the marriage and take it from there. But no one should put up with any form of abuse or a cheating partner ( go for the divorce for your safety and the child's.
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Camille - commented on Sep 25, 2012
I had already tried three different Internet spell caster's services, but all the guys I met were jerks and scams. Then my friend told me about Dr ODIA Spells. I wasn't sure anything would come of it, but I thought, why not take a chance? I cast a Love Spell, and the very next week a gorgeous guy came up to me at a club and asked me to dance. He is caring, kind, romantic - everything I always wanted. We've been together for six months, and we're talking about getting married. I'm a believer!" If you requires any assistance, you can contact him through odiacotemple@yahoo.com
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Kandace - commented on Nov 17, 2012
I once believed that I would be a happier person if my parents split. For years I told my mom I'd be happier if she was not with my dad. I regret it, I should have opened their eyes to councelling and trying to work things out. Now I have no family to go to my home is gone all my memories from my child hood are gone. And now I suffer because my husband doesn't want to work he doesn't like my family because they are split.
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Andrys - commented on Nov 23, 2012
I never believed in spell casters until my life fell apart when my lover of 6years decided to call it quit. I was so devastated that i had an accident that left me bedridden. After 9 months of emotional pain and languish,a friend of mine introduced me to a certain spell caster,a relationship therapist Of the winexbackspell@gmail.com this was after I have been scammed by various fake spell caster. I was introduced to Therapist Oniha Of the winexbackspell@gmail.com In less than 96hrs i saw wonders, my Lover came back to me and my life got back just like a completed puzzle,i do not know how it happened but i am very happy i could play with my one and only again... am so happy.. thanks am so grateful as he saved my life.
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