Do you believe in spanking?
139 Answers
Can spanking kids cause future behavioral issues?
To spank or not to spank? It's one way many moms choose to discipline their children, but can it cause long term behavioral issues?
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40 Answers
79 Votes
I think far too many people confuse spanking with physical abuse. They are two separate things and should not be lumped into the same category. Not all children need to be spanked in order to get them to understand what they did wrong, for most a very stern sounding "NO" will be enough to get their attention. However not all children are the same and some do need a slightly more physical reminder that what they did was wrong. I do not agree with parents who spank when they are angry or use this as the only means of discipline (even the most stubborn child can be corrected through non-physical means to start with). Sometimes even the child who can usually be corrected with a "no" or some time in the "time out" chair may need to be spanked. I feel that it is when they have repeatedly done an action in defiance or when they are about to do something that may lead to death. I also feel that you do not have to spank often if you are consistent with the rules. Children will constantly test you to see if they can get away with something that they know they are not supposed to do. If you have said no once be sure to say it again and if you tell them they are going to receive a certain punishment if they do "x", you must follow through with that punishment. My son gets spanked very infrequently because my husband and I are consistent. My son is 2 1/2 and he knows that when I tell him he is going to sit in the chair if he does "x" action I mean it. Does he still test me? Yep! He also knows that if I tell him he is going to get a spanking for repeatedly doing something that I mean that as well. The majority of the time he only gets a spanking for running towards the road as I have tried other methods of reinforcing the idea that this is dangerous and they have all failed miserably. For some reason he thinks that this action is funny and that I'm playing with him. He is getting better about stopping when he hears me say "NO" but not every time. In this instance I would rather he receive a small amount of pain from me, with the reassurance that I still love him, than risk the possibility that I loose him forever.
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Resa Joyce - commented on Jun 20, 2011
I agree. I just would like to add that when we spank, we should also explain to our children why we did so. let the child cry it out after we spank him/her then explain when they have sobered down. don't use any props to spank your child, the force from your hand is enough to give them the "little" pain reminder. don't also forget to show your child a lot of love, hugs and kisses, praises for positive behavior. this will assure them of your love and prevent issues later.
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Jestene - commented on Jun 21, 2011
I agree whole heartedly. My sons get spanked every once in a while, but not often. Consistancey is key. Idle threats mean nothing and they catch on to it fast. There is a difference between spanking and abuse. If my boys do something that angers me i have them go to thier room till i calm down and we proceed from there. If a few minuets alone has given them time to think about what they did and why it was wrong, thats enough as long as they learn from it. Repeat offences do get spankings. This seems to work really well with my boys and often time we can avert the spanking all together.
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Deni - commented on Jun 30, 2011
I've commented before in here but it is great to read common sense.
32 Votes
Spanking is one of many ways to discipline children. One of MANY. Spanking is a great tool, when used properly. Spanking is a CONTROLLED discipline to a defiant behavior. If you are not controlled, as the parent, you will inflict emotional and perhaps even physical harm to your kids. I am definitely pro spanking, but unlike my parents, I do not believe spanking to be appropriate for every "crime." One comment said that it hurt her self esteem and perhaps, for her, spanking was far beyond what discipline she needed. Spanking is generally for the more strong-willed and defiant kid; the kid who was born with his or her dukes up saying "what are you gonna do about it?" A stern look could do as much as a spanking could for a much more sensitive child. I think that as parents it is our job to know our kids enough to know what they need whether is it a spanking or just a firm "No" but do not underestimate the need for discipline. Kids NEED to be disciplined. It helps them know their parents are watching them and that they care about what the kids do. Too many parents are afraid that their kid may not like them...like the word NO is a bad word. Those are the out of control kids. Whether you choose to spank or not isn't really the issue. Just be parents who aren't afraid to properly and lovingly discipline your kids. It will NOT hurt their self esteem. If they esteemed themselves a bit less, they wouldn't need as much discipline! Funny how that works.
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Aisha - commented on Jun 27, 2011
I wholeheartedly agree....I can count on my hand how many spankings I got as a child, because it was a LAST RESORT. I was a very strong willed child, but most times if you explained it to me, I would comply. Children need to know that you care about them, that you are willing to take the time to guide them. If spanking was so bad, why is it that withing the last thirty years it seems when all these "psychologists" say that spanking is bad do you see such a degeneration in self control among society?
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TealRose - commented on Jul 30, 2011
I am nearly 57 spanking me ruined my childhood, and ruined my relationship for life with my parents. I never trusted or respected them - why would I respect or trust someone who hits me? Especially someone who is supposed to love and protect me. Discipline yes, which means to teach not to hit. Not spanking doesn't mean you don't teach your children right from wrong .. lovingly and gently. I never spanked my children - I didn't want that violence in their lives thank you very much, I didn't want to teach them that hitting other people is 'ok' ... and they are now gentle caring adults. My daughter has two children now too .. and they are being raised the same way - without being hit - and are delightful. Hitting is no answer to anyone, or anything - and especially not to a defenceless child.
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Jennifer - commented on Jul 30, 2011
And, I bet neither of your children is in prison for lack of spanking, as has been insinuated in some of the posts, are they? My son, also, is happy and has an amazing little spirit and all without being hit or being scared of me. The one thing he knows for sure is my love for him and protection of him. Thanks for sharing, TealRose.
25 Votes
From my own research, experience, and observations, I think spanking does have long term effects. It changes a child's personality. At 2 1/2, they don't have the long term memory to know that you have taught them about an issue previously. It takes a lot of repetition, and keeping a close eye out.
Since before my daughter could walk, I taught her about not going into the road. The grass was her boundary. You know what, never had to spank her for it. She is 5 now, and if her ball rolls into the street, she doesn't even attempt to go after it. This was instilled in her since she was a baby. Not through scolding, but repetition, and by keeping her close when she was little, knowing she didn't have the capacity to fully understand the danger.
The long term effects in a child can go one of two ways... There may be more, but in my opinion there are 2 major ones. One, a child can become compliant, but fearful, introverted, and even lose self-confidence. Or, tow, a child may become defiant, and more rebellious as a way to prove to themselves that they are not afraid of you. Respecting a parent is imperative. Fearing a parent leads to break down of communication. You want your child to be able to trust you enough to talk to you about anything, without fear of disapproval. No, spanking doesn't have to be considered abuse, but it really is unnecessary when trying to teach your children how to resolve problems. Do you solve anything with hitting?
Giving a child choices and making them aware of consequences following actions, I feel, is a much better teaching tool in the long run. Oh, sure, spanking gets you short term results, but is your child learning about consequences, or just how to avoid getting caught? As they get older, children develop commodities. You take those important things away from them and that gets their attention. Their bottoms eventually get used to the spanking, and they may even endure it just to get it over with so they can continue on in their own line of behavior. It is not an issue of getting your point across in the moment. It is an issue of affirming your child of the positive choices they make in order to grow up to be better people.
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Jilene - commented on Jun 20, 2011
I have 3 adult daughters, they were all spanked at times as nessesary, they are all wonderful productive woman. It has a place, as a childcare provider I told I spank hand if they (the child) were in danger. All the parents were fine with it. I agree some children if spanked often will hit back. I hope this helps. I have seen some children that never really need to be spanked too. Just an FYI
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Nadia - commented on Jun 20, 2011
I believe it is a sad world if parents/caregiver have no other means of guiding children towards what is right or wrong. We often do it because we were brought up this way and it hasn't necessarily damaged us, but if we allowed ourselves to become more creative and follow our hearts rather than our hands, we would achieve wonderful results.
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Alisha - commented on Jun 25, 2011
yes, nadia.. agreed.
25 Votes
I was spanked and I spanked my kids.....the point of spanking is to do it with LOVE....if you are angry, send them to their room, wait until you are calm....ask the child if they understand why they are getting spanked....tell them why it was wrong....maybe they didn't understand what they did wrong and it was not done to disobey....at this point you DON'T spank the child....spanking is only for deliberate disobedience.....where you say to the child...don't hit your sister...and the child looks you in the eye and hits her again.....this is when you follow the above procedure and then tell the child you are going to spank him so he remembers not to do it again....but that you still love them....take the child over your knee and get a swat or two on the butt....if the child moves around wait until you can only swat on the behind...afterwards tell your child that you love him again and have him ask for your forgiveness.... hug him.....then tell him that you forgive him...and that it is forgotten....take him by the hand and leave the room and don't bring it up again.....I would have him apologize to his sister also.....the only time I would say calls for an immediate swat or two is when the child runs into the street....this is dangerous! But it should only be lightly to leave an impression......The point is to find other ways of disciplining your child and only leave spanking for out right, clear cut....i am testing you disobedience....or if the child does something dangerous.
21 Votes
NOT spanking leads to LONG term behavioral problems. Long as into adulthood !!!
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Dot - commented on Aug 30, 2011
I did not spank my boys and they are productive healthy young men. Hitting a child teaches them to use physical means to deal with anger. There are other ways to discipline. Taking away a favorite toy or losing tv privileges, etc. You can also try positive reinforcement.
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Whittney - commented on Sep 6, 2011
I don't believe that spanking your child teaches them to use physical means when dealing with anger as long as the above mentioned its used only to correct blaitent disrespect. It would if you were angry with the child and wailed on his butt. but not an occasional spanking. And come on people smacking your childs butt is not the end of the world. Parents are afraid to disipline their children because someone might call CPS because heaven forbid someone stuck their nose into the disipline process and thought that child was being abused.
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Tracie - commented on Sep 13, 2011
And your proof of that ridiculous statement? Read the studies. There have been dozens done over the last few decades. You have it absolutely backwards.
12 Votes
Spanking teaches children two things: 1. violence and 2. that they're self worth does not rate..that they're parent shave the right to physically assault them when they don't do what they're supposed to do...i guess as adults our bosses or our husbands shoudl be able to just all out and smack us across the face if we don't follow the rules all the time...right???? what's the difference assault is assault ..if the comment ur making right now after reading what i just wrote is
well there's a difference between smackingin the face and spanking the behind" GUESS WHAT ...NO THERE IS NOT!!!! it's assault no matter where you 'HIT...AND YES THE WORD IS HIT THEM....it's wrong in every essence.. there are other forms of discipline that require a parent to really use their parenting skills and though process ..its just so much easier to ASSAULT your child ....then use your brain....pls...spanking is wrong and will def do more damage than any type of miniscule good.
12 Votes
I have 2 kids, 5 grandkids, had daycare in my home. Many times a child can be instructed, diverted or just shown that certain behavior is not acceptable, but like some others have said....when your child faces off with you, knowing he should not have done something or when he hits, bites, yells "no" or out and out stubbornly defies you, he needs a swat on the rear. My son, who got the most spankings is tenderhearted, loving, has never done drugs, alcohol or cigarettes, or engaged in any immorality. My daughter and grandkids have all been spanked and are sweet, loving, good young adults who know what's right and wrong. Don't spank in anger and give them lots of love.
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Harsha - commented on Jul 27, 2011
I agree with you totally.You should sometimes spank your child but as you mentioned you should give them love all the time.You show them that you love them a lot but at the same time you don't agree with their behavior.In other posts some ladies have mentioned that the child feels that his dignity has been hit or that they feel unworthy..But this only happens when the parents criticize the child.Then they feel that they are worthless.But which child will feel this when the parents are trying to punish them for this misbehavior but at the same time telling them that their behavior is wrong I don't see why they will feel diminished in their own eyes.So to conclude in my opinion a little spanking is allowed.
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Jennifer - commented on Jul 30, 2011
I can't think of a time when spanking is necessary. You are wrong. A child's dignity is removed when you hit them. You needn't insult them to take that away. The action itself removes their dignity and confidence. How dignified can one really be when someone larger than themselves, whom they depend on for everything in their world, hits them?
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TealRose - commented on Aug 7, 2011
Totally with you Jennifer !! I personally would want to know WHY that child is so stubborn, so defiant , so violent? And then ... you think that hitting is going to SOLVE that ?? My head is reeling ...My children weren't hit they were taught... taught that HITTING is NEVER acceptable and that means CHILDREN too !!
10 Votes
I am against spanking. I was spanked....not beaten. There are other ways to teach right from wrong. I was and am a very sensitive person. It does affect me. It decreased my confidence. Why would you ever hit a child if there was ANY other way available to teach them. There are LOTS of law-abiding citizens in our midst who did not get spanked and turned out just fine. I understand religions sometimes encourage this, but there are lots of things encouraged in the Bible that we would look at as barbaric today. If you're even asking the question, why even chance it? Let's say just a possibility exists that it could harm your child emotionally. Is it worth it to take that chance?
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Melissa - commented on Jun 29, 2011
I am also against spanking and don't understand how inflicting pain on my child is considered love? Maybe I'm just lucky and have a son who is super well behaved, therefore never needed to result to punishment -- IDK. Also, when I see kids in public who get spanked, they end up throwing bigger tantrums. To me, it doesn't seem to solve much. When my son gets cranky and starts fussing, I feel that I'm partially to blame for dragging him around shopping all day instead of letting him nap, or run around. So, I can't justify spanking him when I'm at fault for not considering his needs as being a 2-year old. Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that I agree with you about not spanking and thank you for your opinion :)
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Jennifer - commented on Jul 9, 2011
Thanks, Melissa! For some reason, people confuse spanking with discipline. So, they assume those of us who don't agree with it, don't expect our children to follow rules and they are just running wild. Nothing could be further from the truth. We put a lot more thought and creativity into how best to mold our child's character, than it would take to spank them.
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Rikki - commented on Jul 18, 2011
I have to disagree. I completely understand with you're reasoning but I was also spanked as a child and I turned out completely fine as did my siblings. I have to respond to your question "Is it worth it to take a chance?" In my opinion you are taking a chance either way. What if you don't spank your child and your child doesn't respond to timeout always? What if your child never learns discipline from always using the more passive or subtle approach? What if your child ends up in jail or worse because they were told but never really taught right from wrong? To me it's definitely worth it however I do agree that spanking should not be used everytime and should be done with love. No parent is perfect, we all just try as best we can with what we have or know.
9 Votes
I raised 4 children and several grandchildren. They are all good kids. No dope. No one is in juvinal hall. The only one that is dead is the one who chose to become a drunk. A good pop on the back side can get their attention. NO NO on behavioral issues. Unless the parents show them the bad stuff. I think parents example will do more damage than a spanking can do.
Such as yelling, throwing bad temper tantrum. Slamming doors. Kids are watching. That is how they learn to behave. So watch what you DO or SAY.
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TealRose - commented on Aug 7, 2011
You are so right .. kids ARE watching and learning !!! Hitting them ... will teach them so very much ... like .. how NOT to deal with others when you disagree, when you are cross with them, when you don't like what they are saying or doing! A good pop to an adult ... is illegal and should be for children too. Respect that child ..not thumps !
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Leslie - commented on Oct 23, 2011
Yes, TealRose!
8 Votes
a spanking can prevent behavior problems! and i said spanking, not beating...there is a big difference.
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TealRose - commented on Aug 25, 2011
It can and DOES also cause a LOT of problems. I know. Spanking is hitting and should never be done to anyone. Children need teaching not hitting...
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Shawna - commented on Sep 29, 2011
Ok, some of you people are still getting spanking confused with beating, big difference between the 2. It is meant to get their attention, not hurt them. Also, some kids need it sometimes and it's much better to recieve a spanking than 2 get hit in the road. Also, ARE YOU PEOPLE ATHEISTS? AGNOSTICS? I mean, in the bible it says to spare the rod is to spoil the child!!! Why do you think people have been spanking kids for hundreds of years and the kids turn out the way they are supposed to! Also, Dr. Spock taught this stupid stuff about not spanking and guess what? One of his kids commited suicide and the other is in prison. SO...IN YOUR FACE non spanking parents!!! I will spank my children with love.
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Michelle - commented on Oct 5, 2011
Spanking is teaching TealRose.... When I was 7 years old I took a pack of gum from a store while my parents were checking out and after my dad got done busting my behind I learned REALLY quick that you don't take things that don't belong to you. My younger brother also leaned very fast that you dont throw rocks at people's cars after my dad beat the mess out of him. If your form of parenting worked for you then that is AWESOME but you dont have any right whatsoever telling people that they are wrong for making a decision to spank their kids. In all the responses that I have posted today I have never said that people who dont spank are wrong. My whole thing is learn the child and make your discipline choice based on that child or the offense itself. For example, even though my step-daughter can be a little monster sometimes I dont and wont spank her when I ask her to pick something up that she dropped. I would on the other hand pop her if I asked her to do it and she said no. When I am talking to my children and they keep interrupting me by back talking they get a light pop in the mouth and a firm stop talking and listen. My step-daughter has a BIG problem with people telling her what to do because she doesn't think that she should have to listen. She gets her behind popped a lot because of it. She even refuses to say thank you when somebody gives her something. She refuses to say she is sorry about anything as well and yes we force her to do. When she is doing her homework if she doesn't like what she is doing she will stare off into space so I take her hand and make her do her work. When she is eating dinner if she doesn't like what she is eatings she will hold it in her mouth and just chew and chew until we force her to swallow. So you see sometimes you have to force kids to do things. We spank our kids to show them what is acceptable and what is not. We are not brutes who just love pounding on little defenseless kids. The people out there who do tha t(adults who slap, punch, kick, beat to a bloody pulp, break limbs: which is what is supposed to be defind as abuse) deserve to be put in jail where they will get back what they gave out. That is what you are making us sound like. Most times all we have to do is say no or stop that and they listen but other times when they push us they need to be shown that they are not in charge of the situation and they will do what is right. And thank you...whoever just posted that thing about Dr. Spock......
8 Votes
I spanked my five children but not in every circumstance or through all ages of their childhood. Some of them needed them often and early on in the day, others didn't ever need one until they were older and only needed the one every month if not less frequent. Every child has their own needs and personality. Parents should be sensitive to the needs of each child throughout their different stages of growth. Most of all, a spanking should never be done in anger but in love and after punishment is done, followed with hugs and love. To bring up the offense over and over with words all day long or throughout the week is like a never ending punishment in my opinion.
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TealRose - commented on Aug 7, 2011
Lets just see if you feel that love, if you husband turns and hits you 'in love' and see if you feel any differently? You CANNOT spank and love .. it's an oxymoron .. totally, utterly and completely ....
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Ashton - commented on Nov 8, 2011
Well hopefully your husband would not put you in time out either. That would be pretty belittling wouldn't it. Your argument makes no sense.
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Carrie - commented on Dec 13, 2011
Ashton, that's funny! I laughed so hard when I read your post! I spank my 12 yr old as needed (probably not enough, lol) and my 14 month old get his hands popped when he tries to grab something he shouldn't (ie: my necklace, eye glasses or anything that could hurt him). I don't hurt my kids just make them understand that you can't do somethings. When my baby goes for my necklace or glasses I tell him no and move his hand away. Usually he stops but sometimes he gets aggressive trying to pull on it. Even tries to reach down my shirt if I try to hide it. I pop his hand, he looks at me, pokes his lip out and moves on. I don't have to pop hard enough to make him cry to get my point across. My oldest son gets spankings when he's lied but not if he tells the truth about what he did to get in trouble. He doesn't get them often b/c overall he's a good kid. Taking things away from him NEVER did any good. I think both parenting strategies ( to spank or not ) can be effective. Just depends on the child/parent/offense. It should be a last resort.
8 Votes
as children, my brothers and I were disciplined in this way, and we, in turn, did the same to our children. it was an act of LOVE, for if they were not taught right from wrong, what were they to grow up to know>we were NOT beat, we were spanked. AND , there is a great difference. once the punishment was administered, many times, I can remember my father taking me in his knee, and, with tears gleaming in his eyes, telling me,"this hurt me more than it did you, but, you have to understand.. what you did was wrong"!! as you can see, I had the BEST DAD in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Ella - commented on Sep 7, 2011
if a man hits his wife is that out of love too? can I use that in court?
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Jennifer - commented on Oct 1, 2011
There is a WOLRD of difference between popping a child once on the butt to get their attention and between one adult hitting another. To suggest otherwise is either sheer stupidity or being deliberately obtuse. With adult/adult interaction you can speak to the adult and have them fully understand what you are telling them. An adult is not going to blindly run into the street, or chase the neighbors dog, or try to open a bottle of cleaning solution and drink it etc.; children will. You don't beat your children, they should never be bruised or frightened and their butts aren't meant for you to vent your frustrations on. That being said something a smack to the hand or sharp swat on the behind gets their attention in a far more memorable way then a million explanations ever could, decreasing the number of time they repeat a particular dangerous action. My daughter does get spanked for outright defiance but she is always given other punishments first, a lecture, a time out, toys taken away, shows turned off etc. and she is given a warning before it happens so there is a last chance to correct the behaviour before she gets spanked. In our house a spanking is one sharp slap on the butt, over her clothes. It doesn't really hurt her, (hell considering how many layers some of her dresses have it probably hurts my hand more than her butt!) but it does get her attention and stop the behaviour. Afterward she gets hugs and told mommy loves her and (usually for the 5th time or so) another explanation of why she can't do what she did.
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Leslie - commented on Oct 23, 2011
A"swat," "pop," "smack" all mean hitting to inflict pain. There are no "good" reasons to cause a child or anyone else pain.
6 Votes
I spanked both of my girls when they ran into the road, more than once. Told them the first time NO and if you ever ever go in again I WILL spank you. And I did on 2 occassions (1 for each child) spank their bottom. They never went into the road alone again. They were never hit by a car either. A swat with a parents hand on the fanny of a child is not abusive. It's not beating and it's the only way to instill some things on the very young. I DETEST the parents that sit there saying "No Johnny, don't hit your sister" "No Johnny don't hit your sister" over and over meanwhile he's still hitting his sister? INsane. How do all animals teach their young? Cause and effect. Some learn by listening, others need physical reinforcement. We're all different.
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Alisha - commented on Jun 25, 2011
Like I said, why is it not ok for a child to hit another child, but it is ok for an adult to hit a child as discipline.. Nope, can't make sense out of that one.. Both are wrong.
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Deni - commented on Jun 30, 2011
Hi Alisha, I can help with that. A child hits another child as an act gratuitous violence. Someone is being victimised for no reason other than a rather negative tendency of human nature. Many kids develop like that until they are 'toddler tamed'. If left unrestrained it can be a lifelong trait. A parent lovingly smacks a child to guide them toward positive character and to protect their sibling from gratuitous violence. Does that help you understand the difference? Hopefully now you will see why the second is actually right not wrong.
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Stephanie - commented on Jul 14, 2011
That loving smack also reinforces that when he hits his sister he is hurting her... while the swat he gets is more than likely not as hard as he has hit his sister it still gets the point across. I would much rather pop the back of my child's hand when she reaches for a hot stove or pot than allow her to touch it by standing there saying, "no sweety that's hot!". I have three children, two over 18 and one who is 15 and still at home. They were spanked as they grew up and are productive members of society. I think once a child is at the age a firm swat doesn't faze them it's time to move on to other forms but by then they understand reason and can be talked to about the whys of their punishment.
5 Votes
I had alot of crazy spanking in my childhood, and I firmly believe that it does not cause long term behavioral issues.
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Tammy - commented on May 17, 2013
Oops...voted that up by accident! Do not agree.
5 Votes
There are a zillion articles on this on Babycenter and all over the internet. Why even ask this question? It's like Circle of Moms was trolling for argumentative responses. It seems like this topic was just meant to inflame and get lots of responses, and I don't think the majority of people reading the replies--and certainly most of those who responded--would have changed their opinions after scanning the responses. Maybe the hidden agenda was to illustrate how many people are against spanking in order to make pro-spankers aware of possible negative repercussions. For the record, I myself choose not to spank though I certainly can understand the reasoning and methods of the pro-spanking camp. But my response to this Q & A is more that it's not a productive question to begin with. It's just divisive and invites lack of respect b/c it involves child safety.
5 Votes
I was spanked and survived really well with good morals, principles, values, rules, regulations and boundaries. My son is the same. This was not abuse. This was discipline. Without discipline we are absolutely nothing. And discipline starts with the parents. However - if the parents have no self discipline, morals, principles, values, rules, regulations and boundaries, there is absolutely no hope for their offspring.
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TealRose - commented on Aug 22, 2011
No, it was punishment not discipline, discipline means to teach. I taught my children right from wrong by demonstration, talking, example etc etc and never hit them. I didn't want them to 'survive'. I wanted them to grow up knowing the difference between right and wrong for themselves, being able to differentiate when they were away from me. I didn't want to teach them a violent act and that the way to solve problems ie when you don't like something someone has done, is to hit them! I also didn't want to teach them how to accept being hit by another - all to easy to go on to an adult and find an abusive partner and think ... 'hmm...must be MY fault...' .... My children are now adults and gentle and kind, as are my grandchildren who are growing up without being hit but are being respected and taught how to behave.
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Summyr - commented on Aug 26, 2011
Tanner I agree with you... if the parents have no self discipline, morals, principles, values, rules, regulations and boundaries then the kid/s don't have much of a chance.
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TealRose - commented on Aug 26, 2011
Summyr - it is very sad that you seem to believe, like so many other pro spankers, that NO spanking means NO discipline !!! Far from it! As one who never spanked / hit their children but used my intellect and taught them how to be responsible etc I can tell you that it wasn't easy ... but was so worth it. Hitting a child to 'teach' them anything good is just so screwed. Children deserve all the respect and safety under the law from being hit that you enjoy and your animal!
5 Votes
To spank or not to spank...I would put this argument right up there with religion and politics....People either agree or disagree with it and you are going to have a hard time convincing them otherwise. I personally see nothing wrong with spanking as long as it is not the only method of correction. I have seen results when I use it and I have seen results when I don't use it... It just depends on the situation and my daughters development. My daughter is defiantly a happy loving child and we have many moments where we just give each other "sugar". She knows that I love her and she is not afraid of me. She does not think that hitting people with no reason is OK because she understands that spanking come as a direct result of misbehavior and for correction in certain relationships (parent-child and not peer-peer). I know that she is being taught that some actions will carry more serious consequences than others AND that different relationships work in different ways. I think if spanking is adversely affecting a child it is being accompanied by other negative behaviors from the parents..in other words spanking is not the problem here, its a side effect of a problem and the issues run much deeper.
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Annie - commented on Jul 9, 2011
Well said!
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TealRose - commented on Jul 20, 2011
I hope against hope Denise that you daughter IS ok, that she is 'happy and loving' - because my mum thought exactly the same, she thought I was 'ok with it' .. I wasn't .. I was a frightened, seething little girl who covered her fear and anger up ... so well, my own mother didn't know .... until we discussed it shortly before she died a year or two back. I am almost 57 now. And I am STILL angry and bitter about my parents destroying our relationship .. and causing me so much anguish - when all I needed was to be taught not hit. The problem is .. that some adults for odd reasons known only to themselves believe that spanking isn't hitting, or that hitting a child when you say the magic word, discipline - which means to TEACH - is fine and hunky dory when they wouldn't dream of hitting another adult. Double standards of the worst kind ....
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Denise - commented on Jul 21, 2011
Thanks for the concern TealRose and I am glad you were finally able to express your feelings to your mom before she passed... Yes my daughter is very happy.. she is very expressive and is not afraid to speak her mind. I don't know your situation but I do know enough to say this...no one can cover up feelings like that for such a long period of time without giving signs of whats actually taking place...so on that note 1. My daughter and I do a lot of talking - spanking never ends there we talk about what happened and how we feel and 2. I pay attention to my daughter and whats going on with her. BTW as far as hitting another adult, its not my place to discipline an adult, neither am I responsible for teaching an adult right from wrong.
5 Votes
Why do you want to teach kids that hitting people that are smaller than them is OK? Spanking is abuse of power, no exceptions. It is cruel and doesn't teach anything positive in the long run.
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Jennifer - commented on Jul 19, 2011
I agree. I felt victimized by my parents and I recognized the fact that I was small and they were victimizing me.
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Lori - commented on Dec 28, 2011
I love the VICTIM MENTALITY that goes on in our country today! Your parents, my parents did the best they knew how to raise us all and we as parents are doing our best, RIGHT! We are not victims, we are grown ups and we can say we are not going to do it the way our parents did but we are going to raise good well adjusted kids, NOT MONSTERS that no one can stand to be around. Quit blaming your parents or your kids might just grow up blaming you for everything. Grow up!!!
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Melissa - commented on Dec 28, 2011
I probably don't live in "your country" but it is not "VICTIM MENTALITY" for someone to say that they feel victimized by their parents choices... My mother made a lot of choices that she regrets because she was not sober enough to make different choices. Yeah, she may of being doing "her best" but I am who I am today because I had other positive role models that showed me what love was... (and love is never violent) Though I don't see any point in blaming parents for the past, I do believe that there can be victims but whether you blame your parents or not, why would that have any impact on your own children blaming you... seriously... that makes no sense. I agree though, we now know that hitting, isolation, shaming etc is wrong, so yes, we should change things instead of just making the same mistakes.
5 Votes
I was spanked when I was a kid. I dont see the point. I dont spank my kids. To say it is "Done out of love" is so messed up. I agree that there are kids who are harder to handle then others but there are sooo many other, better ways to discipline your kids. And Im NOT confusing abuse with discipline. I know the difference. As a mother of 4 beautiful kids, I have found more successful ways of teaching my kids right from wrong.
5 Votes
I believe it is a sad world if parents/caregiver have no other means of guiding children towards what is right or wrong. We often do it because we were brought up this way and it hasn't necessarily damaged us, but if we allowed ourselves to become more creative and follow our hearts rather than our hands, we would achieve wonderful results.
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Nadia - commented on Jun 26, 2011
Hmmm, I'm very confused as people reading my post seem to interpret that I approve of hitting a child for discipline. Where does it say that exactly?....
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Kimberly - commented on Jun 26, 2011
I so agree! And, what message are you sending to your child. You say hitting is wrong and it is no way to solve your problems, yet, you are going to solve your problem with your child by hitting them? Yes, I was spanked as a child. I was told it was out of love and it hurt my parents more than it hurt me... Not true. I became an introverted, shy child, with not much in the way of self- esteem or confidence. I never talked to my parents about anything important and don't want that kind of relationship with my child. Am I an ok adult? Do I have a good relationship with my parents? Yes... but am not completely confident in them, and still don't talk with them about how I feel. I value my daughter's feelings, and she knows it... She has great consequences for not listening, without spanking, and she gets it.
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Alisha - commented on Jun 25, 2011
Thank you.. exactly right.. Hitting is always wrong..
5 Votes
After enduring a childhood of unearned and unexpected spanking (with a stick the length of a ruler and as thick as a book) by a mother, who was later diagnosed with mental illness, I refuse to touch my son with my hand or anything else. I don't think most people have the self control to teach a child that something is wrong using even the most gentle of spankings. I know it harmed me emotionally and took many years of therapy to address. And, although I am a Bible-believing Christian, I still think the quote of "spare the rod" is a lame excuse for spanking; most of the Bible teaches positive direction and the importance of learning self control and responsibility, but so many Christians bring out this one quote to justify their actions. No one should ever lay a hand on any one else in anger....period.
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Denise - commented on Aug 3, 2011
Can you explain why Jesus beat those grown men out of the temple? He was also very angry when he did it... I'm just asking since u stated that no one should lay a hand on anyone else in anger. Also you cant go with most of the bible, its all or nothing. Please note that I am not saying that we should beat children in anger.
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Rita - commented on Aug 3, 2011
I will have to pull out my Bible, but I believe he overturned the tables at the temple...I don't remember anything at all about Jesus beating those men. At any rate, I was commenting on the quote that is often used: "spare the rod, spoil the child" and I wasn't saying that I went with "most of the Bible". I was trying to state that most of the Bible teaches positive direction, self control and responsibility.
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Rita - commented on Aug 3, 2011
@DeniseAbd-I did look up the passage regarding Jesus at the Temple and my version (NIV) in Matthew 21:12-14 states: "Jesus entered the temple area and drove out all who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changes and the benches of those selling doves." I didn't read this as beating grown men...but maybe that's me.
5 Votes
I already made some comments, but, forgot to add that 2 of my brothers grew up to be ministers, one was in the AIR FORCE for 20 years, the other, like me, was more common, but, we all were CHRISTIANS!! WITH GOOD MORAL UPBRINGING!!! my youngest brother died almost a year ago. I am now 73 years old, and started college last week, to be a medical assistant.
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Jestene - commented on Jun 21, 2011
GOOD FOR YOU!! :) and im sorry for your loss. Hes watching down on you with pride.
4 Votes
I spank my kids. I have no problem with saying so. There is definitely a difference between SPANKING and BEATING. If my kids do not listen when I tell them to stop 3 times then the fourth time they get a spanking. I do not like having to repeat myself over and over again. As a parent it is our responsibility to teach our children right from wrong. Time outs do not work for every child. Trust me I have tried everything. My kids do not respond to time outs, taking away toys or even punishment for a day or a week. I was always taught , "He who spareth the rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him correcteth him betimes" (Proverbs 13:24) and "Withhold not correction from a child: for if thou strike him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and deliver his soul from hell." (Proverbs 23:13-14). This is what I have grown up with and I wish to instill the same values in my daughter and son. I do believe some parents take it too far. You have some parents that BEAT their children with hangers, extension cords, boards, basically whatever they can get their hands on. You should never leave bruises or any marks on your child. When it gets to that point, it becomes abuse. As a singe parent I do what I need to do in order to teach my kids what they need to know. My children are very smart and I rarely have to spank them. if you show the child the error in their ways they will appreciate it in the long run. My daughter is almost 6 now and her teachers wanted me to let her test into 2nd grade.My son is almost 2 and is already learning his numbers and alphabet right along with basic spanish.I am very strict and I want my kids to succeed. It starts at home!
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TealRose - commented on Aug 20, 2011
Well as a Christian too I never spanked or hit my children. Jesus NEVER told us to hit them, he gave them and us his love and gentleness. If you don't want to take time to repeat to a child [who has no better way of learning] then I am sorry. THAT is what parenting is all about. Taking time and care to discipline ie teach that child right from wrong, not hit it. The OT tells us many things .. like stoning our wayward sons to death .. and many other things that NONE of us would dream of doing. It tells us that if you beat him with a rod he won't die - which is patently untrue. I believe spanking a child once is taking it too far - after all, if it's illegal to hit you then it should be equally or even more heinous to hit a defenceless child. As for leaving marks, have you ever considered what redness is ? And more .. what the invisible marks are doing deep in their hearts and souls? I know what it did to mine. My parents lost my love, trust and respect - I don't trust and respect anyone who hits anyone else - and I learned they didn't love me too. And no, the post spanking 'oh we love you' told me nothing, except that they lied, that adults could and would do anything and get away with it, that children didn't matter - along with fear, pain, anger, hate and resentment. NONE of which my parents or any other parents would want their children to learn. http://whynottrainachild.com/2011/01/06/spanking-not-gods-will-2/ I hope you will find this site very helpful and eyeopening. No one .. adult, or child needs or deserves or should be being hit. Especially not under Christian values. "Christians are under the Law of Christ. What is the Law of Christ? Grace, peace, mercy and love. “ But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law” Galatians 5:22-23. "
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Deni - commented on Aug 21, 2011
Well as a Christian too I know there is certainly diversity among us. Jesus NEVER told us to hit them in the New Testament but some of us believe that He is God so all God's teachings are attributable to Him. "If you don't want to take time to repeat to a child [who has no better way of learning] then I am sorry." There is a better way - spanking. Works wonders when a kid is determined to kill his sibling or himself. When they are old enough to understand then talking works better. "THAT is what parenting is all about. Taking time and care to discipline ie teach that child right from wrong, not hit it." Hitting is done for disciplining. I've never seen a kid who it didn't assist to learn right and wrong. "The OT tells us many things .. like stoning our wayward sons to death .. and many other things that NONE of us would dream of doing." Again those of us who are significantly away from your end of the Christian diversity believe that Mosaic law no longer applies and fits a time, place and group of people but the rest of the Bible is essential for us. "I believe spanking a child once is taking it too far - after all, if it's illegal to hit you then it should be equally or even more heinous to hit a defenceless child. How about holding a defenceless child down and vaccinating them? Should that get capital punishment? How would you feel if a police officer thought that you couldn't cross the road safely and they publically held your hand across the road? Wouldn't that be a humiliating breach of civil rights? Should we let toddlers make their own way across the road to avoid holding their hands? You can't apply the same standards to adults and children. "My parents lost my love, trust and respect - I don't trust and respect anyone who hits anyone else - and I learned they didn't love me too. And no, the post spanking 'oh we love you' told me nothing, except that they lied, that adults could and would do anything and get away with it, that children didn't matter - along with fear, pain, anger, hate and resentment. NONE of which my parents or any other parents would want their children to learn." I am sorry for you and for your parents that you had that curious reaction. But most people don't have those issues. My parents spanked me and I know they did it out of love. I had pain when I did the wrong thing but no fear (because I just learned the boundaries), no anger and no resentment. The pain went quickly but the lessons lasted a long time. I am grateful that they cared enough about me to teach me how I should behave with this and their fine example. "http://whynottrainachild.com/2011/01/06/spanking-not-gods-will-2/ " Sorry you are entitled to your beliefs but for someone who believes that the Bible is God's Word and that it clearly condones a very practical, useful, loving tool in parenting it looks like secular political correctness trying to justify itself with Christianity - the same type of thing as the explanations that the Christian Swingers Association use to dress their behaviour as Christian. In other words to this type of Christian it looks like poor rationalisations. I'm not ridiculing your beliefs. You are welcome to your opinions but don't expect a conversion. It just doesn't look as convincing to people who don't already share your view.
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TealRose - commented on Aug 22, 2011
You are entitled to your beliefs too - but it is interesting how some Christian spankers like yourself, only seem to choose the hitting of CHILDREN to be ok and leave out all the other 'nasties' in the Bible. Once again, hitting is hitting and children deserve so much more than to be hit, they deserve to be brought up in a home of love and gentleness just as you do. If you have children that are so out of control as to be trying to kill a sibling then going getting HELP is what you need to do. Not to hit it. And you may not believe me when I say there are a HUGE amount of us out here that feel like I do - that being hit damaged us physically and emotionally and should NEVER have been done. The lessons never meant a thing to most of us - as the pain knocks the 'lesson' out of one's head. I can't remember 99% of the things I was hit for - just that they were petty. Fortunately I grew up knowing hitting was wrong and never used it with my children. I grew up in a church that never agreed with hitting children either. But I was born at a time when it was 'the norm'. Love and hitting do not belong in the same sentence .. let alone in the mind of a child. Where is the respect in that ???
4 Votes
I have a 4 year old, a 2 year old and a 9 month old. My 4 year old never needed any spanking and a strict or hard no was all that was needed, UNTIL the her younger sister started becoming independent and very strong willed. When the jealously factor came into the picture then it was time to give a swat. The 2 year old hardly needs any, I think she has been spanked 2 times since her 2nd birthday that was because she has attempted to kill the cat a few times. Un-beknownst to her. I dont have to mention the 9 month old. No matter what people say, really spanking if done properly and without force is a reminder, not a punishment. Come on the animal world does ten times worse. They bite there babies, smack, step on, kick. We are only worried about there what will happen to there psychological state after wards and in adult hood. Did anyone else ever think that what you feel about punishment or "dicipline" was determined not by the physical slap but what was said, done, and required at the time of say crime? maybe mom also said derogatory remarks while slapping you, maybe dad, disapproved and looked badly at your behavior and you lost some respect in there eyes. Who knows but it wasnt the slap itself. For every person that says violence breeds violence. Since when is a slap from a concerned parent violence? I fear the culture of Americans is going a bit overboard. There is nothing wrong with some physical corrections, I think and feel that mental abuse is far more abundant and destructive than any slap. I mean slap and not punch, hit, kick, beat, smack... thats not acceptable. I was spanked ONE time in my childhood. ONCE. My siblings a little more but never excessive. None of my family is or will be abusers, no one feels less self confident and everyone has well adjusted children. I for one dont mind spanking, one sibling spanks alot = kid is fine. other sibling is much like me = kid is great. one sibling refuses to spanks= one kid is trouble, the other is great... so there is no conclusive results in what you do its your relationship with your child that matters most, and how you treat them mentally as well as physically.
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TealRose - commented on Aug 9, 2011
So... are we not supposed to be ABOVE the animal world? Or should perhaps your husband smack you around the ear or the bottom when you argue with him, or he is irritated .. just like a lion ?? I think not. Two wrongs .. do NOT make a right .. and I agree, psychological and emotional and mental abuse are also VERY wrong .. along with spanking/hitting. One smack or a dozen it matters not it is hitting .. it is wrong... use your words not your hands. And yes.. hitting IS violent. Now .. as you just said yourself, you know a sibling who refuses to spank [Congratulations to him or her] and their children are just the same - so WHY HIT ! Why add a nasty, hurtful thing into the mix of what is supposed to be love ??? There is nothing loving about hitting.. just ask an abused wife/husband
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Martha - commented on Aug 10, 2011
you really dont understand do you. some how something bothered you early in your childhood that destroyed your reasoning, and ability to distinguish what violence is and what is not. Go on with your life the way you have I am glad your happy but understand as well that what I am trying to put across is that YOUR way may not always be the right way. Good to know you stand by your belief system but dont shove it down everyones throat as the absolute only way.
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Martha - commented on Aug 10, 2011
did I SAY that were were animals TealRose? DID I say that we should treat our babies as such. Your blinded by your agenda.
4 Votes
What a heated topic. As far as long term behavioral issues? Well i was spanked and so was my brother and the long-term behavioral issue we had was that we were respectful and well behaved children. We respected our elders and were obedient to our parents, not out of fear, but because we learned to respect their authority. there were no other future behavioral issues that either of us experienced. I developed resentment but my brother did not, I developed poor self esteem but my brother did not, but I suspect my issues were a result of abuse I suffered as a child not the result of spanking. Since my brother was spanked as well and was not sexually abused it is reasonable to deduce my issues were not related to spanking. I don't know whether it is right or not to spank but I do believe it is a parents choice and that no one should criticize that choice. And that we should be respectful of that choice. I think people get too self righteous when it comes to kids. We are all doing our best and making decisions for our children based from our love for our children and what we believe is best for them. Some may believe spanking is best and others don't. And people have to remember there is a big difference between spanking and abuse. Hitting a child on the behind is different than beating a child. Even hitting/slapping their face or hand is totally different than abuse. I don't believe that hitting/spanking my children is right, but I have spanked them on occasion for things I felt it was necessary. there are other things that work in most situations, but I wouldn't hesitate to spank should the circumstance arise again. Yes, I would rather hit(spank) my child than have something else terrible happen. There are always going to be circumstances in life that come up that we couldn't have prepared our child for since birth(like the person who said about teaching not to go past the grass, certain life circumstances may have prevented this from being taught, like living in the country where the yard is 5 acres and the nearest neighbor is 3 miles away). We can't always prepare our children for every situation and there are times we need to discipline for safety or anything, and that can be something else that works or it can be spanking. But what is comes down to is that is is your choice, your personal choice and it is not mine or anyone's to judge!
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TealRose - commented on Jul 30, 2011
I disagree - the child is a person too .. and shouldn't be hit - just like you, your dog or the criminal. Spanking is violence and will just perpetuate more violence. Hitting a child in the face is DANGEROUS. It can damage their brains, necks etc so easily. I cannot believe anyone would think that was ok !!! There is no reason whatsoever to be hitting anyone ! Respect that child, not thumps
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Joanna - commented on Jul 31, 2011
I have to disagree with your disagree with me since I actually agree with you. I would never hit my children on their face or anywhere else. the only place I have done it is on the bottom and then try to get the backs of the legs and stay away from the spine and only when the situation was life threatening and there was no other immediate way to make them understand their life was in danger. And I respect my kids and treat them as gifts from God and I realize they are only on loan to me from HIM and I need to care for them to the best of my ability and love and protect them with all my heart. But I do not think I have the right to tell anyone that they shouldn't spank. I was spanked as a child and so was brother and neither of us are or were ever violent. My brother does not use any form of spanking as discipline and he is one of the most non-violent men I know. He would not raise his voice to anyone. And he was spanked a lot as a child. I do respect my children enough to protect them. And I believe that any parent believes they are doing right by their kids even if they spank as long as it not abuse. I was not abused by spanking, and neither was my brother so your theory that it perpetuates violence is wrong. If it were true we would be violent people and we are not. It taught us respect. do I choose that method of discipline? No, but does that mean someone who does is wrong? Was my Mom wrong? I don't believe she was. I didn't fear her and I didn't become violent, but I learned from it, as did my brother. Perhaps you were spanked out of anger or frustration and that is your only association with spanking and that should never be how spanking is done. Spanking should be done calmly with a calm explanation and a hug and kiss and I love you. Just like a time out or any other form of discipline. Should a dog be hit? No because they do not have the cognitive ability to understand a calm and reasonable explanation, nor should they be locked in a crate or various other "training" methods because of their lack of cognitive ability. But people do it, and I would say that is more abusive than a mild spank on the bottom with an explanation of what they did that was so wrong or dangerous and a hug and kiss. You can't explain to a dog, and this is the same reason spanking should not be used on a child before they can understand otherwise they are just confused. Again, I am not a proponent of spanking, and do not use it myself as a form or discipline, I use time outs, except in extreme circumstances. But if someone uses it on a daily basis, who am I or you to say they are wrong(again as long as it is being done correctly). We don't have that right to tell other parents what they are doing with their kids is wrong. If we did then I could easily criticize your method of discipline and accuse you of not helping your kids to be the best person they could be. But all we are all doing is trying to raise good people and keep them safe and loved. And if my life was in danger, and I couldn't see it, yes I would be okay for a loved one to hit me and let me know this is serious enough I need to rethink it. But I am unlikely to think it okay to run out in traffic or jump in a creek or any number of other unforeseen circumstances a child might encounter because i am adult and I have learned what is safe and not safe, but if my judgement were suddenly off believe me I would rather be hit than die or seriously hurt someone else. And again I do not agree with hitting a child on the face but that was one of my Mom's preferred method of discipline, and I was hit on the face a lot in my childhood and it was never DANGEROUS. The worst I got was a scrape from her engagement ring once(it was inside her hand and she didn't realize it) and she cried over it with me. Now for me that is not a right choice and obviously not for you either, but for my Mom it was, and it didn't harm me, I got much worse cuts, scrapes and bruises from everyday life. So if you seriously think hitting a child on the face is dangerous then you are talking about hitting so hard it is abuse and that is wrong. And I think anyone would agree that abuse is wrong. But we are not talking about abuse here and we are not talking about anything that would actually hurt a child. If it would actually hurt a child then it is abuse and is wrong, we are talking about spanking, which should not inflict any harm, should not show any marks of any kind, and should never be done out of anger or frustration. If someone is hitting hard enough to leave a mark then that is a problem and is not spanking. I suspect you are not actually talking about spanking here but about abuse. Abuse is dangerous. Abuse hurts children not only physically but emotionally. And abuse should be stopped
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TealRose - commented on Jul 31, 2011
Sorry but no, I don't differentiate between leaving a mark or not. When my ex husband hit me whether it left a mark or not, it WAS abuse. Children are just little people and hitting them is callous, cruel, insensitive, and wrong just the same as it would be for me to hit you. According to pro spankers I was 'just' spanked not abused. I BEG TO DIFFER because I was on the END that was being HIT. Again NO ONE needs or deserves to be hit. Ever.
4 Votes
kids need discipline and ev1 has their own opinions & beliefs...i was spanked and am perfectly fine as an adult, my kids are spanked when they need it as well - thankfully not too often. think ppl get way too dramatic and need to relax. there are no perfect parents and ur way is no better than mine or the next one, w/ the exception of actual abuse which is a completely different topic bc spanking is not abuse.
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TealRose - commented on Aug 7, 2011
Discipline means to teach not to hit. 'Use your words not your hands' or are you hypocritical ?? Perhaps you don't teach your children that hitting another person or animal is wrong?? As someone who WAS spanked ... I can tell you that I DO feel abused.... it ruined my life with my parents .. forever. I lost my respect, trust and love for them. I don't respect and trust anyone who hits me ... and I sincerely hope that any child, any person feels the same way.
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Brenda - commented on Jan 22, 2012
TeaRose I detect some bitterness and anger about what others do to discipline their children. I think that everyone is entitled to their opinion and I agree with an earlier post that you have an agenda and there is some expectation that we are going to adhere to that agenda.
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Tammy - commented on Dec 1, 2012
I agree that kids need discipline, but kids don't need to be hit. Hitting is not discipline. Hitting is hitting. Discipline means to teach, look it up. Thanks
4 Votes
Spanking is wrong.. I went through it and would not want my children to go through it. It is never right to hit someone..especially a child. That is not the right way to discipline. That is abuse.. If it is not ok for someone to hit you, it is not ok to hit a child. It would be confusing if a chid hit another child and they were told not to do that, but then they were hit back from their own parent.. Just wrong, no acceptions. If they are screaming and having a tantrum, try not to pay attention to it. If you keep calm and try to ignore them, they may stop after a while but hitting is wrong. I have been there and it took a while with my daghter but it worked.
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TealRose - commented on Aug 20, 2011
I agree wholeheartedly Alisha ...hitting ANYONE is so wrong .. hitting a child is just disgusting .. it isn't discipline which means to teach .. it is punishment of the worst kind. No one learns when afraid. Children have tantrums for a reason ... usually because they cannot get across what they mean ... and what they feel. Yes... not hitting and using our intellect to raise children takes time and energy but is so worth it. Congratulations on being a gentle mum X
4 Votes
Spanking with love is an oxymoron!! Think about it-spanking is a knee jerk reaction that always arises out of anger or fear. How do you teach a child to be peaceful and compassionate by hitting?
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Denise - commented on Aug 3, 2011
At the point of a spanking a parent is not giving a lesson on being peaceful and gentle.. I am a very non violent person and I was spanked as a child... there are lots of other opportunities to teach a child how to be peaceful and gentle...BTW I hope all the people who talk about spanking teaching kids violence are watching what the kids see on tv, in movies and in the video games they play... if that's not teaching violence I don't know what is!
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TealRose - commented on Aug 20, 2011
Actually as a parent I was ALWAYS teaching my child to be peaceful and gentle because that is the mainstay of life. I have no idea how you think that a child can 'compartmentalise' into 'oh I mustn't hit because it's bad' and 'oh mummy hits me because I am naughty/bad she is cross etc ...' They are not that stupid. They know that when you tell them to use their words and not their hands... and you go and spank/hit them that you have just lied, and are a hypocrite. As for video games and TV .. you bet I checked on what my children were watching .../playing
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Ella - commented on Sep 7, 2011
the idea of "spanking with love" disturbs me very much indeed
4 Votes
When I see posts stating that hitting your child is an act of love I cringe and my stomach flips. I don't care for anyone who hurts me.
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Jennifer - commented on Jul 19, 2011
Me, too. Makes me want to throw up.
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TealRose - commented on Jul 30, 2011
I agree totally .. love and hitting don't belong together. Try this ..'I hit my wife and I love her'...... yeah !!! Sounds SO loving ..doesn't it ?????
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Christina - commented on Jul 31, 2011
Is it wrong that I chuckled? Maybe I should hit TealRose & Jennifer to show you how much I love their posts...
4 Votes
Yes. Full stop. You never ever hit anyone, ever. And if you think that it's okay to do so then you need someone with some very good decent values to explain to you exactly why it isn't, or a very much bigger than you person to slap you hard so that you appreciate exactly what sort of trauma being hit by someone causes.Violence breed violence and hitting out is violence. You can't justify your loss of control, which is what it is!, as being a justifiable means of addressing the behaviour of your own children. If you slap them (I only spanked them when they deserved it, my parents did it to me and it never harmed me blah blah blah) don't be surprised one day if they hit you with something much harder and more life threatening, because that is exactly what you will have taught them to do as 'good' parents.
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Julie - commented on Jun 20, 2011
Georgina, I detect a bit of anger and bitterness.
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Ange - commented on Jun 24, 2011
I agree with Jeanne.
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Patti - commented on Jun 24, 2011
I'm going to guess you're a very young and first time mother if a mother at all. Spanking is quite different from slapping. Spanking is a swat on a bottom which more often than not is well padded. Spanking is meant to shock and alarm NOT harm. Gets their attention, makes a point and if used RARELY is quite an effective tool. My children are all grown and never ever even tried to hit me so I guess I did ok. And my values are very firm, grounded and rooted in respect. I know quite well the difference between discipline and abuse, thank you.
3 Votes
No. It can't, unless later in life they go to some boo-hoo type therapist that traces ALL of their problems in their life back to being spanked...
That being said, I respect the rights of those parents who choose passive discipline over physical discipline, and I never say "I told you so" when their kids end up in Juvie, or in prison because they have no respect for authority, so I would GREATLY APPRECIATE the same respect when I deal with my kids, whether my method is physical or passive.
To not grant me that respect is to insult my parenting. I wouldn't insult yours (intentionally, at least) and you should give me the same treatment.
If I choose to spank my kids for something that I've talked about till I'm blue in the face, then by God, I'm going to do it! If I choose NOT to do so, again that's my own personal parenting choice. Unless you're living in my house and taking over my parenting duties, you have no right to criticize me. Nor do I have the right to criticize you!
Why can't adults be adults and quit picking on each other? I've seen more women brutally slammed on this forum for offering an opinion (that was asked for, mind you), and when that opinion is posted, if it's not the PC right way to do it, then you're a horrible parent!
What a way to teach our kids how to act, eh?
Oh, and by the way??? I spanked. My kids graduate this year and in two more years. Good grades, good manners, considerate, thoughtful young men who DO NOT use physical violence as their first method, so for EVERYONE who is going to bash this because I spank, take their current behavior into account...
And, for those who use passive discipline methods, if your kids are starting to be horribly disrespectful, etc, You chose your discipline method. Hows that consistent gentle redirection really working?\
The bottom line is, ladies, that each person parents differently, and each child reacts differently. Passive discipline works for some, but not all. Spanking works for some, but not all. And, in both cases, the kids can grow up to be wonderful, or awful. A lot more factors are involved than just whether or not you spanked your kids...
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Beth - commented on Feb 14, 2012
I think your first sentence describes exactly what has happened with some of the mothers who have commented here about how they were "preyed upon" or "victimized by" their parents. It breaks my heart to read how they completely disconnected from their poor parents over nothing, and let them pass away without realizing the error of their ways, almost as though they were proud of how long they could hold a grudge over something so insignificant. Talk about a scapegoat.
3 Votes
my great grandmother used to say"sometimes it takes a little hurt to prevent a bigger one'". too many kids are allowed to be disrespectful these days-they are the selfish brats , bullies-I've seen it over and over working around kids. they actually come right out and say "'my parents don't do anything-just talk about it'-no big deal' yep-they're the ones always in trouble parents don't even hear about.
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Erin - commented on May 30, 2012
I soo agree with you.in some countries where its illegal to spank kids,the parents live in fear,cause the kids have all the power.oh I cant play with the x-box,im calling cps cause you hit me..my friend went to Denmark with her mother inlaw and 4 year old.whom which was having bad behavioral issues ,and he threw a fit in public and clawed her face,so finally fed up she spanked him ,and ppl freaked out,cause its against the law there..I was a rotten child and was spanked and im not damaged by it....I soo agree with you that unspanked kids are unruly brats....
3 Votes
I believe not spanking a child leads to behavioral issues. Children learn by discipline and spankings is one form of discipline. It may not be the best method to some people, but I stand by it 150%. Sometimes my children need a whooping. Sometime they need a timeout. Sometime they just need a good talking to.
I got my butt spanked all the time because I was an unruly child. Now I am a responsible adult. As I reflect back sometimes on my upbringing, I am glad my mom whooped my butt.
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Rebecca - commented on Mar 30, 2012
Why is it not acceptable to spank the adults at work when I need to teach them something? Why is it that children 'require' spanking for you to be able to teach them? Safety is often the time when it is indicated that children need spanking to learn. Do children remember the lesson from being hit? Or simply that there parent hit them? I don't spank - my first reaction if my child is in danger is to remove them from danger - not hit them.
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Janine - commented on Mar 31, 2012
The difference with adults and children is that 'hopefully' by the time a person has reached adulthood they should know the difference between what is right and what is wrong. I have to agree with the mums who say that spanking, implemented the right way, has a place in disciplining some behaviors in our children. Some children will go through childhood never having been spanked while a sibling may have. Alot depends on the type of personality and/or attitude a child has. After all no two people are alike. My four older children are better mannered then my two younger ones. On occasion I spanked the older ones. Due to circumstances I didn't have the opportunate to discipline my two younger ones and as a result they don't have the manners like that of their older siblings. So in my own family I can see the results of what spanking and not spanking can produce in a child's behaviour.
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Janine - commented on Mar 31, 2012
Tealrose, After reading all your comments I sence that you have alot of anger inside still. That is not healthy. You also seem to be very confused about the difference between the abusive relationship you had with an ADULT as an ADULT as opposed to disciplining a child with a swat to their bottom. They are NOT one and the same thing. Stop trying to impose your opinions on others. We all have our own and are entitled to them as are you to yours. You keep going on about criminals and dogs. What has that got to do with the topic "To Spanking or Not to Spank"?
3 Votes
If spanking should be left out of parenting because it causes "behavioral issues" then children should also not be put in public school, which in my experience, causes WAY more behavioral issues than spanking could ever possibly cause. (and I do mean disciplining, not abusing)
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Katherine - commented on Jun 23, 2011
I can't believe how many people are in favor of spanking. I was hit as a child. I vowed to never do it to my own. It has taken a lot of creativity and patience to not hit. There have been times I have been publicly embarassed by my kids' behavior. There have been situations where I wished I had a threat that worked. I have a four year old who has never been spanked and a 13 month old. My four year old was potty trained at two within a week. Never had behavior issues at school, never has shown physical aggression unprovoked. I stuck to her side so she didn't touch the stove or run in the road. I explained that it could hurt or kill her. One day she got it. No spankings to enforce just constant supervision. My 13 month old is a menace. I could never hit her. Our responsibility as parents is to keep our kids safe. if you could get arrested for doing it to a stranger, why would you feel this is ok to do to your child? Growing up in the 80s, it was a regular occurrence to see kids get spanked in public. Most of my friends were hit w/belts or wooden spoons at home. I was too. My parents regret this. I still will never completely understand this dysfunctional thought process. Occasionally I see a kid get spanked at the park or store and I can't help but recognize that each spanker seems to be low rent trash. I wonder what happens at home if the kid gets hit in public. The parent thinks they are fixing a behavior problem when in reality they are humiliating their child(=low self esteem), instilling fear instead of respect, and laying the foundation for long term resentment. Don't ever hurt your kids. I have come close at times but never crossed the line. Taking away toys, tv, or even letting the tantrum go ignored completely in public e warrants the best results. Be consistent with no and follow through on your promises. Be honest when appropriate; but don't be afraid to tell a 3 year old that Chuck E Cheese is closed to avoid an argument. I can honestly say that I'm the best mother I know for following these rules. Don't forget to spend time with them. In ten years when the house is perfect and you check off everything on your list every day you will long for the days they were little. Cherish it and don't ruin it with a daily power struggle.
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Denise - commented on Jul 11, 2011
I was spanked by my mother and grandmother and I have nothing but utmost respect for them both... not fear or resentment but respect...Sounds like you were abused as a child, which leaves you feeling like you should not spank your kids, but spanking is NOT abuse. So spanking is terrible but lying to your kid is OK? Are you suggesting that class and spanking are related? It seems to me that tantrums and public embarrassment are more prolonged power struggles. BTW I am not sure what potty training has to do with spanking.
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TONYA - commented on Jul 23, 2011
You have a 4 year old and a baby if that 4 year old is having tantrums in public and you are doing nothing ,You will have 2 doing it with in the year. Hate to be in the same store as you.We have 8 children we can take them anyplace and they know to be good, no tantrums or they will get a spanking.the last 2 are 4 year old twins no tantrums in public.All are kids are very happy and loving. The older ones all excel in school and sports. And they all have been spanked when needed.
3 Votes
That depends upon who, how, and why spanking is employed. Children need clear boundaries to their behavior with clear and patient instruction in order to navigate life according to "the rules of the game", so to speak, and to help avoid angry frustration when things don't go their way. Both attitudes and behavior, along with the maturity level of expectations, need to be a part of a parent's decision on when to apply spanking. To eliminate this well-established and effictive deterrent to rebellious or obnoxious behavior because some use it as a bullying tactic would be what my mom called, "cutting off your nose to spite your face!" Children learn to respect loving authority exercised to prevent them from straying into dangerous and anti-social behaviors that would gain them only injury or disapproval by others. On the other hand, failure to train them can result in horrendous results. My recommendation: find some experienced parents whose children are well-mannered and considerate of others and ask them how they did it. I believe you will find appropriate spanking has often been a part of the tool kit. I found some very helpful perspective on this issue at NoGreaterJoy.org from some seasoned and joyous parents with a rich well of wisdom. Faddish child-rearing philosophies swing like pendulums from one generation to another. These guys did a great job and have a joyous, well-adjusted family. I wish I had had such people mentoring me as a young mom.
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TealRose - commented on Jul 30, 2011
And I bet if you ask a lot of us we would tell you that hitting is hitting is hitting and it is ALWAYS wrong - whether you, the dog or a criminal ... and especially a vulnerable child !!
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TealRose - commented on Aug 7, 2011
By the way ... those parents can always ask me. I manage to do it without hitting and disrespecting my children .. and they are now great, kind GENTLE adults who wouldn't dream of hitting a defenceless child. My grandchildren are also heading the same way .. and are delightful .. and never hit.
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Beth - commented on Feb 14, 2012
Hahahaha, here we go again with the dog and the criminal... Oh TealRose, you have some serious issues
3 Votes
We follow a simple rule of thumb in our home.
If the child is 1) doing something that could hurt themselves 2) doing something that could hurt someone else 3) an act of direct defiance....then a spanking is valid.
But, this rule doesn't go into place unles we have addressed the behavior first. When they were young (2yrs - 8 yrs) time-out came first. Once they became older, losing a priviledge came first (TV for 2 days, spending the night out that weekedn...something that mattered to them) But, my children were always given the choice to choose changing their behavior before any punishment.
and we were CONSISTENT and on the same page. There was no counting to 3 or idle threats of "if you do that again..."
Theer are children I don't allow my kids to have over because they are undisciplined in their homes. They are both rude when they speak and have no respect for our home or our things. Since I've watched them yell at their parents and refuse to participate in basic group activities I completely understand why it was said "spare the rod and spoil the child."
My son was expelled from K4...yep...K4. He was angry with the misstreatment of a childcare worker when he was 3 yrs old and wetting the mat at naptime. My happy, funny little guy became mad at the world. Thanks to an understanding employer who let me work from home and the use of an AMAZING program called KidsCoins, my son is now in 5th grade. He's a favorite with his classmates and teachers alike because he's very helpful with the kids struggling even though he's in advanced classes.
Although I can't remember the last spanking he was given, I'm sure he does. And, I know he'll tell you he's never felt unloved or bullied. Because that's exactly what he told a teacher when a discussion came up in class about spankings.
My daughter hadn't had a spanking in 2 years, until 2 weeks ago. She had been warned repeatedly about a new behavior that was extremely disrespectful. She had been grounded twice from spending the night out for it. The day she was un-grounded and let it fly out her mouth agin...we picked her up early from her outing and dealt with it by spanking. Haven't heard the sass a single time since.
If someone is emotionally damaging theior child in the manner they are spanking them, I'
ll guarantee you they are damaging their child in many ways. Don't spank in anger. Don't spank in frustration. And, don't spank for frivolous reasons.
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TealRose - commented on Aug 7, 2011
Do you 'spank' aka hit your husband if HE is disrespectful, or the bank manager, or the lady in the check out ?? NO .. you talk with them. Strangely enough .. things DO 'fly out of ALL people's mouths' - and you are no different. So . you don't like what she said. Tell her. AGAIN. There are other ways of dealing .. like even ignoring it ... when the 'thrill' factor dies. Don't SPANK full stop. Don't disrespect your child. Two wrongs do NOT make a right. And spanking for a bit of 'sass' as you like to call it .. IS frivolous! If .. a criminal on death road can't be hit ... what the HECK gives you the right to hit a defenceless child - instead of teaching it !!!
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Angela - commented on Aug 13, 2011
NO of course we don't spank our husbands, the bank manager or the lady at the check out because they are GROWN already, they are not children who are being raised to be adults! There is a big difference you know!
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TealRose - commented on Aug 15, 2011
Really? Have you actually heard that there are rude, vile, mean, unkind, evil, criminals that are adults? And do you know that we can't hit them ??? If as adults we can still learn, then why do we NOT hit each other?? Oh yes !!! because HITTING is wrong !!! Silly me....
3 Votes
spare the rod and spoil the child!!!!
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Deb - commented on Jun 20, 2011
That is so mis quoted from what the Bible says.
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Kimberly - commented on Jun 20, 2011
It is also a myth. Not proven.
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Jestene - commented on Jun 21, 2011
i agree with you. we have so many unruly kids and teens now a days. Either they dont know whats right from wrong, OR they dont care because they have never had concequences for their actions. A spanking offers a major concequence. Therefore teaching the child that if you do something wrong you have to "man up" and accept the punishment.
2 Votes
I was spanked as a child and although as a child I thought some of my parents reasons were stupid, Today I thank them for those same stupid spankings. I was not abused. I believe that today's BRATS are created by parents who just pass the buck onto the shoulders of teachers. They are there to give knowledge not Manners or discipline. Spanking a child does not harm them. It makes them know that there are consequences to their wrong behavior or actions. my children ( All 6 of them) are well balanced and well mannered. I do not tolerate bad behavior from them or even their friends. I am not an old fogey parent. I am almost 50, but still roll around on the grass with my kids, play pranks, listen to their music but when I spank them it comes with a lesson, a soft word and a hug afterwards. There is a difference between Spanking, Abuse and beating a child.
2 Votes
I find this a hugely fascinating topic, we have an anti-smacking law in our country which was aimed at reducing the family violence against children, unfortunately it hasnt impacted those that are doing the actual serious physical damage to their kids. I am hugely interested to know how after how many several hundreds of years of probably smacking, belting and even beating other beings that it is all of a SUDDEN this generation that says it is not okay to smack. When I grew up in the 70's-80's schools had corporal punishment, probably every child in the school had a parent that has smacked them, if not given the wooden spoon or the jug cord? NOw bullying is out of control in schools and they want to make a task force to figure out how to deal with it-sorry but in this day and age of battling economies-it'll be a whole lot cheaper and effecient to start up corporal punishement again-I sure can bet you that the smart alec kids that are just pushing there luck, would pull their heads in real quick to avoid a cane from the principal. SO to summarise, I am hugely intrigued to learn how we got from having the cane at school from the principal or dean and even our parents-the cane across the knuckles in etc IN CLASS if you werent even sitting properly-to our own parents not even being allowed to smack us. It will be very interesting to see where society will be at on this issue in another 10 years.
2 Votes
My thoughts.... After reading ALL of these comments and opinions, I'd like to share a story. I have been in so many different situations in my life that have afforded me the opportunity to SEE some things for myself. I'm going to tell you what I have SEEN not what I read or was told by someone who probably doesn't even have kids. I knew a guy. He was 21 years old, repeat criminal. Woman abuser, thief, druggie. Constantly in jail. EVERY single time he went to jail, his granny RAN to get him out. what is that teaching him? Absolutely nothing. LOVE your children by teaching them right from wrong not by spoiling them. He is now serving 65 years for aggravated sexual assault. He thought his granny could get him out of it. When she couldn't and he heard his sentence, he cursed her out right there in the court room. I agree, there are MANY ways to discipline a child. Sometimes, spanking is what gets through, depending on the child. I use it as a last resort for all 3 of my children. People confuse spanking with physical abuse. My mother included. Now my 40 year old sister (and her 7 kids she began having at 16) is constantly having to move back in with her. My 20 year old brother takes her car at night while she's asleep. I never was spanked either but I was strong minded enough to not stress her like my siblings. So, in all honesty, NOT spanking can cause future behavioral issues.
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Tammy - commented on Oct 18, 2012
I agree that you shouldn't get kids out of every jam they get in or spoil them. I also think people confuse discipline with spanking. Spanking is not discipline, it's hitting. My kids are WELL disciplined, they have consequences, I'm strict, they listen, I'm involved. I do not hit them; however. I agree, spanking may not be abuse, but it is not discipline. Discipline means to teach & hitting doesn't do that.
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