Can spanking kids cause future behavioral issues?

To spank or not to spank? It's one way many moms choose to discipline their children, but can it cause long term behavioral issues?

40  Answers

38 6

I think far too many people confuse spanking with physical abuse. They are two separate things and should not be lumped into the same category. Not all children need to be spanked in order to get them to understand what they did wrong, for most a very stern sounding "NO" will be enough to get their attention. However not all children are the same and some do need a slightly more physical reminder that what they did was wrong. I do not agree with parents who spank when they are angry or use this as the only means of discipline (even the most stubborn child can be corrected through non-physical means to start with). Sometimes even the child who can usually be corrected with a "no" or some time in the "time out" chair may need to be spanked. I feel that it is when they have repeatedly done an action in defiance or when they are about to do something that may lead to death. I also feel that you do not have to spank often if you are consistent with the rules. Children will constantly test you to see if they can get away with something that they know they are not supposed to do. If you have said no once be sure to say it again and if you tell them they are going to receive a certain punishment if they do "x", you must follow through with that punishment. My son gets spanked very infrequently because my husband and I are consistent. My son is 2 1/2 and he knows that when I tell him he is going to sit in the chair if he does "x" action I mean it. Does he still test me? Yep! He also knows that if I tell him he is going to get a spanking for repeatedly doing something that I mean that as well. The majority of the time he only gets a spanking for running towards the road as I have tried other methods of reinforcing the idea that this is dangerous and they have all failed miserably. For some reason he thinks that this action is funny and that I'm playing with him. He is getting better about stopping when he hears me say "NO" but not every time. In this instance I would rather he receive a small amount of pain from me, with the reassurance that I still love him, than risk the possibility that I loose him forever.

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1 5

I agree. I just would like to add that when we spank, we should also explain to our children why we did so. let the child cry it out after we spank him/her then explain when they have sobered down. don't use any props to spank your child, the force from your hand is enough to give them the "little" pain reminder. don't also forget to show your child a lot of love, hugs and kisses, praises for positive behavior. this will assure them of your love and prevent issues later.

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16 0

Spanking is one of many ways to discipline children. One of MANY. Spanking is a great tool, when used properly. Spanking is a CONTROLLED discipline to a defiant behavior. If you are not controlled, as the parent, you will inflict emotional and perhaps even physical harm to your kids. I am definitely pro spanking, but unlike my parents, I do not believe spanking to be appropriate for every "crime." One comment said that it hurt her self esteem and perhaps, for her, spanking was far beyond what discipline she needed. Spanking is generally for the more strong-willed and defiant kid; the kid who was born with his or her dukes up saying "what are you gonna do about it?" A stern look could do as much as a spanking could for a much more sensitive child. I think that as parents it is our job to know our kids enough to know what they need whether is it a spanking or just a firm "No" but do not underestimate the need for discipline. Kids NEED to be disciplined. It helps them know their parents are watching them and that they care about what the kids do. Too many parents are afraid that their kid may not like them...like the word NO is a bad word. Those are the out of control kids. Whether you choose to spank or not isn't really the issue. Just be parents who aren't afraid to properly and lovingly discipline your kids. It will NOT hurt their self esteem. If they esteemed themselves a bit less, they wouldn't need as much discipline! Funny how that works.

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5 15

I wholeheartedly agree....I can count on my hand how many spankings I got as a child, because it was a LAST RESORT. I was a very strong willed child, but most times if you explained it to me, I would comply. Children need to know that you care about them, that you are willing to take the time to guide them. If spanking was so bad, why is it that withing the last thirty years it seems when all these "psychologists" say that spanking is bad do you see such a degeneration in self control among society?

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59 0

From my own research, experience, and observations, I think spanking does have long term effects. It changes a child's personality. At 2 1/2, they don't have the long term memory to know that you have taught them about an issue previously. It takes a lot of repetition, and keeping a close eye out.

Since before my daughter could walk, I taught her about not going into the road. The grass was her boundary. You know what, never had to spank her for it. She is 5 now, and if her ball rolls into the street, she doesn't even attempt to go after it. This was instilled in her since she was a baby. Not through scolding, but repetition, and by keeping her close when she was little, knowing she didn't have the capacity to fully understand the danger.

The long term effects in a child can go one of two ways... There may be more, but in my opinion there are 2 major ones. One, a child can become compliant, but fearful, introverted, and even lose self-confidence. Or, tow, a child may become defiant, and more rebellious as a way to prove to themselves that they are not afraid of you. Respecting a parent is imperative. Fearing a parent leads to break down of communication. You want your child to be able to trust you enough to talk to you about anything, without fear of disapproval. No, spanking doesn't have to be considered abuse, but it really is unnecessary when trying to teach your children how to resolve problems. Do you solve anything with hitting?

Giving a child choices and making them aware of consequences following actions, I feel, is a much better teaching tool in the long run. Oh, sure, spanking gets you short term results, but is your child learning about consequences, or just how to avoid getting caught? As they get older, children develop commodities. You take those important things away from them and that gets their attention. Their bottoms eventually get used to the spanking, and they may even endure it just to get it over with so they can continue on in their own line of behavior. It is not an issue of getting your point across in the moment. It is an issue of affirming your child of the positive choices they make in order to grow up to be better people.

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10 15

I have 3 adult daughters, they were all spanked at times as nessesary, they are all wonderful productive woman. It has a place, as a childcare provider I told I spank hand if they (the child) were in danger. All the parents were fine with it. I agree some children if spanked often will hit back. I hope this helps. I have seen some children that never really need to be spanked too. Just an FYI

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11 5

I was spanked and I spanked my kids.....the point of spanking is to do it with LOVE....if you are angry, send them to their room, wait until you are calm....ask the child if they understand why they are getting spanked....tell them why it was wrong....maybe they didn't understand what they did wrong and it was not done to disobey....at this point you DON'T spank the child....spanking is only for deliberate disobedience.....where you say to the child...don't hit your sister...and the child looks you in the eye and hits her again.....this is when you follow the above procedure and then tell the child you are going to spank him so he remembers not to do it again....but that you still love them....take the child over your knee and get a swat or two on the butt....if the child moves around wait until you can only swat on the behind...afterwards tell your child that you love him again and have him ask for your forgiveness.... hug him.....then tell him that you forgive him...and that it is forgotten....take him by the hand and leave the room and don't bring it up again.....I would have him apologize to his sister also.....the only time I would say calls for an immediate swat or two is when the child runs into the street....this is dangerous! But it should only be lightly to leave an impression......The point is to find other ways of disciplining your child and only leave spanking for out right, clear cut....i am testing you disobedience....or if the child does something dangerous.

26
1 7

This is disturbing to read!

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5 5

NOT spanking leads to LONG term behavioral problems. Long as into adulthood !!!

23
3 0

I did not spank my boys and they are productive healthy young men. Hitting a child teaches them to use physical means to deal with anger. There are other ways to discipline. Taking away a favorite toy or losing tv privileges, etc. You can also try positive reinforcement.

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2 13

Spanking teaches children two things: 1. violence and 2. that they're self worth does not rate..that they're parent shave the right to physically assault them when they don't do what they're supposed to do...i guess as adults our bosses or our husbands shoudl be able to just all out and smack us across the face if we don't follow the rules all the time...right???? what's the difference assault is assault ..if the comment ur making right now after reading what i just wrote is
well there's a difference between smackingin the face and spanking the behind" GUESS WHAT ...NO THERE IS NOT!!!! it's assault no matter where you 'HIT...AND YES THE WORD IS HIT THEM....it's wrong in every essence.. there are other forms of discipline that require a parent to really use their parenting skills and though process ..its just so much easier to ASSAULT your child ....then use your brain....pls...spanking is wrong and will def do more damage than any type of miniscule good.

13
17 25

Agree with you 100% Veronica Gallucci

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2 19

I have 2 kids, 5 grandkids, had daycare in my home. Many times a child can be instructed, diverted or just shown that certain behavior is not acceptable, but like some others have said....when your child faces off with you, knowing he should not have done something or when he hits, bites, yells "no" or out and out stubbornly defies you, he needs a swat on the rear. My son, who got the most spankings is tenderhearted, loving, has never done drugs, alcohol or cigarettes, or engaged in any immorality. My daughter and grandkids have all been spanked and are sweet, loving, good young adults who know what's right and wrong. Don't spank in anger and give them lots of love.

13
0 0

I agree with you totally.You should sometimes spank your child but as you mentioned you should give them love all the time.You show them that you love them a lot but at the same time you don't agree with their behavior.In other posts some ladies have mentioned that the child feels that his dignity has been hit or that they feel unworthy..But this only happens when the parents criticize the child.Then they feel that they are worthless.But which child will feel this when the parents are trying to punish them for this misbehavior but at the same time telling them that their behavior is wrong I don't see why they will feel diminished in their own eyes.So to conclude in my opinion a little spanking is allowed.

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21 16

I am against spanking. I was spanked....not beaten. There are other ways to teach right from wrong. I was and am a very sensitive person. It does affect me. It decreased my confidence. Why would you ever hit a child if there was ANY other way available to teach them. There are LOTS of law-abiding citizens in our midst who did not get spanked and turned out just fine. I understand religions sometimes encourage this, but there are lots of things encouraged in the Bible that we would look at as barbaric today. If you're even asking the question, why even chance it? Let's say just a possibility exists that it could harm your child emotionally. Is it worth it to take that chance?

11
157 12

I am also against spanking and don't understand how inflicting pain on my child is considered love? Maybe I'm just lucky and have a son who is super well behaved, therefore never needed to result to punishment -- IDK. Also, when I see kids in public who get spanked, they end up throwing bigger tantrums. To me, it doesn't seem to solve much. When my son gets cranky and starts fussing, I feel that I'm partially to blame for dragging him around shopping all day instead of letting him nap, or run around. So, I can't justify spanking him when I'm at fault for not considering his needs as being a 2-year old. Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that I agree with you about not spanking and thank you for your opinion :)

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3 6

I raised 4 children and several grandchildren. They are all good kids. No dope. No one is in juvinal hall. The only one that is dead is the one who chose to become a drunk. A good pop on the back side can get their attention. NO NO on behavioral issues. Unless the parents show them the bad stuff. I think parents example will do more damage than a spanking can do.
Such as yelling, throwing bad temper tantrum. Slamming doors. Kids are watching. That is how they learn to behave. So watch what you DO or SAY.

10
215 1

You are so right .. kids ARE watching and learning !!! Hitting them ... will teach them so very much ... like .. how NOT to deal with others when you disagree, when you are cross with them, when you don't like what they are saying or doing! A good pop to an adult ... is illegal and should be for children too. Respect that child ..not thumps !

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1 5

a spanking can prevent behavior problems! and i said spanking, not beating...there is a big difference.

9
215 1

It can and DOES also cause a LOT of problems. I know. Spanking is hitting and should never be done to anyone. Children need teaching not hitting...

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12 10

I spanked my five children but not in every circumstance or through all ages of their childhood. Some of them needed them often and early on in the day, others didn't ever need one until they were older and only needed the one every month if not less frequent. Every child has their own needs and personality. Parents should be sensitive to the needs of each child throughout their different stages of growth. Most of all, a spanking should never be done in anger but in love and after punishment is done, followed with hugs and love. To bring up the offense over and over with words all day long or throughout the week is like a never ending punishment in my opinion.

9
215 1

Lets just see if you feel that love, if you husband turns and hits you 'in love' and see if you feel any differently? You CANNOT spank and love .. it's an oxymoron .. totally, utterly and completely ....

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9 78

as children, my brothers and I were disciplined in this way, and we, in turn, did the same to our children. it was an act of LOVE, for if they were not taught right from wrong, what were they to grow up to know>we were NOT beat, we were spanked. AND , there is a great difference. once the punishment was administered, many times, I can remember my father taking me in his knee, and, with tears gleaming in his eyes, telling me,"this hurt me more than it did you, but, you have to understand.. what you did was wrong"!! as you can see, I had the BEST DAD in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9
22 9

if a man hits his wife is that out of love too? can I use that in court?

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26 8

I spanked both of my girls when they ran into the road, more than once. Told them the first time NO and if you ever ever go in again I WILL spank you. And I did on 2 occassions (1 for each child) spank their bottom. They never went into the road alone again. They were never hit by a car either. A swat with a parents hand on the fanny of a child is not abusive. It's not beating and it's the only way to instill some things on the very young. I DETEST the parents that sit there saying "No Johnny, don't hit your sister" "No Johnny don't hit your sister" over and over meanwhile he's still hitting his sister? INsane. How do all animals teach their young? Cause and effect. Some learn by listening, others need physical reinforcement. We're all different.

7
17 14

Like I said, why is it not ok for a child to hit another child, but it is ok for an adult to hit a child as discipline.. Nope, can't make sense out of that one.. Both are wrong.

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0 0

I had alot of crazy spanking in my childhood, and I firmly believe that it does not cause long term behavioral issues.

6
57 1

Oops...voted that up by accident! Do not agree.

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0 0

I was spanked and survived really well with good morals, principles, values, rules, regulations and boundaries. My son is the same. This was not abuse. This was discipline. Without discipline we are absolutely nothing. And discipline starts with the parents. However - if the parents have no self discipline, morals, principles, values, rules, regulations and boundaries, there is absolutely no hope for their offspring.

6
215 1

No, it was punishment not discipline, discipline means to teach. I taught my children right from wrong by demonstration, talking, example etc etc and never hit them. I didn't want them to 'survive'. I wanted them to grow up knowing the difference between right and wrong for themselves, being able to differentiate when they were away from me. I didn't want to teach them a violent act and that the way to solve problems ie when you don't like something someone has done, is to hit them! I also didn't want to teach them how to accept being hit by another - all to easy to go on to an adult and find an abusive partner and think ... 'hmm...must be MY fault...' .... My children are now adults and gentle and kind, as are my grandchildren who are growing up without being hit but are being respected and taught how to behave.

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3 0

To spank or not to spank...I would put this argument right up there with religion and politics....People either agree or disagree with it and you are going to have a hard time convincing them otherwise. I personally see nothing wrong with spanking as long as it is not the only method of correction. I have seen results when I use it and I have seen results when I don't use it... It just depends on the situation and my daughters development. My daughter is defiantly a happy loving child and we have many moments where we just give each other "sugar". She knows that I love her and she is not afraid of me. She does not think that hitting people with no reason is OK because she understands that spanking come as a direct result of misbehavior and for correction in certain relationships (parent-child and not peer-peer). I know that she is being taught that some actions will carry more serious consequences than others AND that different relationships work in different ways. I think if spanking is adversely affecting a child it is being accompanied by other negative behaviors from the parents..in other words spanking is not the problem here, its a side effect of a problem and the issues run much deeper.

6
1 7

Well said!

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26 10

Why do you want to teach kids that hitting people that are smaller than them is OK? Spanking is abuse of power, no exceptions. It is cruel and doesn't teach anything positive in the long run.

6
21 16

I agree. I felt victimized by my parents and I recognized the fact that I was small and they were victimizing me.

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5 24

I was spanked when I was a kid. I dont see the point. I dont spank my kids. To say it is "Done out of love" is so messed up. I agree that there are kids who are harder to handle then others but there are sooo many other, better ways to discipline your kids. And Im NOT confusing abuse with discipline. I know the difference. As a mother of 4 beautiful kids, I have found more successful ways of teaching my kids right from wrong.

6
21 16

100% agree!

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10 6

After enduring a childhood of unearned and unexpected spanking (with a stick the length of a ruler and as thick as a book) by a mother, who was later diagnosed with mental illness, I refuse to touch my son with my hand or anything else. I don't think most people have the self control to teach a child that something is wrong using even the most gentle of spankings. I know it harmed me emotionally and took many years of therapy to address. And, although I am a Bible-believing Christian, I still think the quote of "spare the rod" is a lame excuse for spanking; most of the Bible teaches positive direction and the importance of learning self control and responsibility, but so many Christians bring out this one quote to justify their actions. No one should ever lay a hand on any one else in anger....period.

6
3 0

Can you explain why Jesus beat those grown men out of the temple? He was also very angry when he did it... I'm just asking since u stated that no one should lay a hand on anyone else in anger. Also you cant go with most of the bible, its all or nothing. Please note that I am not saying that we should beat children in anger.

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27 25

There are a zillion articles on this on Babycenter and all over the internet. Why even ask this question? It's like Circle of Moms was trolling for argumentative responses. It seems like this topic was just meant to inflame and get lots of responses, and I don't think the majority of people reading the replies--and certainly most of those who responded--would have changed their opinions after scanning the responses. Maybe the hidden agenda was to illustrate how many people are against spanking in order to make pro-spankers aware of possible negative repercussions. For the record, I myself choose not to spank though I certainly can understand the reasoning and methods of the pro-spanking camp. But my response to this Q & A is more that it's not a productive question to begin with. It's just divisive and invites lack of respect b/c it involves child safety.

5
4 16

I believe if this saves even one child from growing up in fear it is well worth it!

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0 21

I spank my kids. I have no problem with saying so. There is definitely a difference between SPANKING and BEATING. If my kids do not listen when I tell them to stop 3 times then the fourth time they get a spanking. I do not like having to repeat myself over and over again. As a parent it is our responsibility to teach our children right from wrong. Time outs do not work for every child. Trust me I have tried everything. My kids do not respond to time outs, taking away toys or even punishment for a day or a week. I was always taught , "He who spareth the rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him correcteth him betimes" (Proverbs 13:24) and "Withhold not correction from a child: for if thou strike him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and deliver his soul from hell." (Proverbs 23:13-14). This is what I have grown up with and I wish to instill the same values in my daughter and son. I do believe some parents take it too far. You have some parents that BEAT their children with hangers, extension cords, boards, basically whatever they can get their hands on. You should never leave bruises or any marks on your child. When it gets to that point, it becomes abuse. As a singe parent I do what I need to do in order to teach my kids what they need to know. My children are very smart and I rarely have to spank them. if you show the child the error in their ways they will appreciate it in the long run. My daughter is almost 6 now and her teachers wanted me to let her test into 2nd grade.My son is almost 2 and is already learning his numbers and alphabet right along with basic spanish.I am very strict and I want my kids to succeed. It starts at home!

5
215 1

Well as a Christian too I never spanked or hit my children. Jesus NEVER told us to hit them, he gave them and us his love and gentleness. If you don't want to take time to repeat to a child [who has no better way of learning] then I am sorry. THAT is what parenting is all about. Taking time and care to discipline ie teach that child right from wrong, not hit it. The OT tells us many things .. like stoning our wayward sons to death .. and many other things that NONE of us would dream of doing. It tells us that if you beat him with a rod he won't die - which is patently untrue. I believe spanking a child once is taking it too far - after all, if it's illegal to hit you then it should be equally or even more heinous to hit a defenceless child. As for leaving marks, have you ever considered what redness is ? And more .. what the invisible marks are doing deep in their hearts and souls? I know what it did to mine. My parents lost my love, trust and respect - I don't trust and respect anyone who hits anyone else - and I learned they didn't love me too. And no, the post spanking 'oh we love you' told me nothing, except that they lied, that adults could and would do anything and get away with it, that children didn't matter - along with fear, pain, anger, hate and resentment. NONE of which my parents or any other parents would want their children to learn. http://whynottrainachild.com/2011/01/06/spanking-not-gods-will-2/ I hope you will find this site very helpful and eyeopening. No one .. adult, or child needs or deserves or should be being hit. Especially not under Christian values. "Christians are under the Law of Christ. What is the Law of Christ? Grace, peace, mercy and love. “ But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law” Galatians 5:22-23. "

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0 0

I have a 4 year old, a 2 year old and a 9 month old. My 4 year old never needed any spanking and a strict or hard no was all that was needed, UNTIL the her younger sister started becoming independent and very strong willed. When the jealously factor came into the picture then it was time to give a swat. The 2 year old hardly needs any, I think she has been spanked 2 times since her 2nd birthday that was because she has attempted to kill the cat a few times. Un-beknownst to her. I dont have to mention the 9 month old. No matter what people say, really spanking if done properly and without force is a reminder, not a punishment. Come on the animal world does ten times worse. They bite there babies, smack, step on, kick. We are only worried about there what will happen to there psychological state after wards and in adult hood. Did anyone else ever think that what you feel about punishment or "dicipline" was determined not by the physical slap but what was said, done, and required at the time of say crime? maybe mom also said derogatory remarks while slapping you, maybe dad, disapproved and looked badly at your behavior and you lost some respect in there eyes. Who knows but it wasnt the slap itself. For every person that says violence breeds violence. Since when is a slap from a concerned parent violence? I fear the culture of Americans is going a bit overboard. There is nothing wrong with some physical corrections, I think and feel that mental abuse is far more abundant and destructive than any slap. I mean slap and not punch, hit, kick, beat, smack... thats not acceptable. I was spanked ONE time in my childhood. ONCE. My siblings a little more but never excessive. None of my family is or will be abusers, no one feels less self confident and everyone has well adjusted children. I for one dont mind spanking, one sibling spanks alot = kid is fine. other sibling is much like me = kid is great. one sibling refuses to spanks= one kid is trouble, the other is great... so there is no conclusive results in what you do its your relationship with your child that matters most, and how you treat them mentally as well as physically.

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215 1

So... are we not supposed to be ABOVE the animal world? Or should perhaps your husband smack you around the ear or the bottom when you argue with him, or he is irritated .. just like a lion ?? I think not. Two wrongs .. do NOT make a right .. and I agree, psychological and emotional and mental abuse are also VERY wrong .. along with spanking/hitting. One smack or a dozen it matters not it is hitting .. it is wrong... use your words not your hands. And yes.. hitting IS violent. Now .. as you just said yourself, you know a sibling who refuses to spank [Congratulations to him or her] and their children are just the same - so WHY HIT ! Why add a nasty, hurtful thing into the mix of what is supposed to be love ??? There is nothing loving about hitting.. just ask an abused wife/husband

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34 2

What a heated topic. As far as long term behavioral issues? Well i was spanked and so was my brother and the long-term behavioral issue we had was that we were respectful and well behaved children. We respected our elders and were obedient to our parents, not out of fear, but because we learned to respect their authority. there were no other future behavioral issues that either of us experienced. I developed resentment but my brother did not, I developed poor self esteem but my brother did not, but I suspect my issues were a result of abuse I suffered as a child not the result of spanking. Since my brother was spanked as well and was not sexually abused it is reasonable to deduce my issues were not related to spanking. I don't know whether it is right or not to spank but I do believe it is a parents choice and that no one should criticize that choice. And that we should be respectful of that choice. I think people get too self righteous when it comes to kids. We are all doing our best and making decisions for our children based from our love for our children and what we believe is best for them. Some may believe spanking is best and others don't. And people have to remember there is a big difference between spanking and abuse. Hitting a child on the behind is different than beating a child. Even hitting/slapping their face or hand is totally different than abuse. I don't believe that hitting/spanking my children is right, but I have spanked them on occasion for things I felt it was necessary. there are other things that work in most situations, but I wouldn't hesitate to spank should the circumstance arise again. Yes, I would rather hit(spank) my child than have something else terrible happen. There are always going to be circumstances in life that come up that we couldn't have prepared our child for since birth(like the person who said about teaching not to go past the grass, certain life circumstances may have prevented this from being taught, like living in the country where the yard is 5 acres and the nearest neighbor is 3 miles away). We can't always prepare our children for every situation and there are times we need to discipline for safety or anything, and that can be something else that works or it can be spanking. But what is comes down to is that is is your choice, your personal choice and it is not mine or anyone's to judge!

5
215 1

I disagree - the child is a person too .. and shouldn't be hit - just like you, your dog or the criminal. Spanking is violence and will just perpetuate more violence. Hitting a child in the face is DANGEROUS. It can damage their brains, necks etc so easily. I cannot believe anyone would think that was ok !!! There is no reason whatsoever to be hitting anyone ! Respect that child, not thumps

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2 55

kids need discipline and ev1 has their own opinions & beliefs...i was spanked and am perfectly fine as an adult, my kids are spanked when they need it as well - thankfully not too often. think ppl get way too dramatic and need to relax. there are no perfect parents and ur way is no better than mine or the next one, w/ the exception of actual abuse which is a completely different topic bc spanking is not abuse.

5
215 1

Discipline means to teach not to hit. 'Use your words not your hands' or are you hypocritical ?? Perhaps you don't teach your children that hitting another person or animal is wrong?? As someone who WAS spanked ... I can tell you that I DO feel abused.... it ruined my life with my parents .. forever. I lost my respect, trust and love for them. I don't respect and trust anyone who hits me ... and I sincerely hope that any child, any person feels the same way.

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11 16

I believe it is a sad world if parents/caregiver have no other means of guiding children towards what is right or wrong. We often do it because we were brought up this way and it hasn't necessarily damaged us, but if we allowed ourselves to become more creative and follow our hearts rather than our hands, we would achieve wonderful results.

5
11 16

Hmmm, I'm very confused as people reading my post seem to interpret that I approve of hitting a child for discipline. Where does it say that exactly?....

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69 0

Spanking with love is an oxymoron!! Think about it-spanking is a knee jerk reaction that always arises out of anger or fear. How do you teach a child to be peaceful and compassionate by hitting?

5
3 0

At the point of a spanking a parent is not giving a lesson on being peaceful and gentle.. I am a very non violent person and I was spanked as a child... there are lots of other opportunities to teach a child how to be peaceful and gentle...BTW I hope all the people who talk about spanking teaching kids violence are watching what the kids see on tv, in movies and in the video games they play... if that's not teaching violence I don't know what is!

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1 6

When I see posts stating that hitting your child is an act of love I cringe and my stomach flips. I don't care for anyone who hurts me.

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21 16

Me, too. Makes me want to throw up.

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0 0

Yes. Full stop. You never ever hit anyone, ever. And if you think that it's okay to do so then you need someone with some very good decent values to explain to you exactly why it isn't, or a very much bigger than you person to slap you hard so that you appreciate exactly what sort of trauma being hit by someone causes.Violence breed violence and hitting out is violence. You can't justify your loss of control, which is what it is!, as being a justifiable means of addressing the behaviour of your own children. If you slap them (I only spanked them when they deserved it, my parents did it to me and it never harmed me blah blah blah) don't be surprised one day if they hit you with something much harder and more life threatening, because that is exactly what you will have taught them to do as 'good' parents.

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Georgina, I detect a bit of anger and bitterness.

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9 78

I already made some comments, but, forgot to add that 2 of my brothers grew up to be ministers, one was in the AIR FORCE for 20 years, the other, like me, was more common, but, we all were CHRISTIANS!! WITH GOOD MORAL UPBRINGING!!! my youngest brother died almost a year ago. I am now 73 years old, and started college last week, to be a medical assistant.

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GOOD FOR YOU!! :) and im sorry for your loss. Hes watching down on you with pride.

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No. It can't, unless later in life they go to some boo-hoo type therapist that traces ALL of their problems in their life back to being spanked...

That being said, I respect the rights of those parents who choose passive discipline over physical discipline, and I never say "I told you so" when their kids end up in Juvie, or in prison because they have no respect for authority, so I would GREATLY APPRECIATE the same respect when I deal with my kids, whether my method is physical or passive.

To not grant me that respect is to insult my parenting. I wouldn't insult yours (intentionally, at least) and you should give me the same treatment.

If I choose to spank my kids for something that I've talked about till I'm blue in the face, then by God, I'm going to do it! If I choose NOT to do so, again that's my own personal parenting choice. Unless you're living in my house and taking over my parenting duties, you have no right to criticize me. Nor do I have the right to criticize you!

Why can't adults be adults and quit picking on each other? I've seen more women brutally slammed on this forum for offering an opinion (that was asked for, mind you), and when that opinion is posted, if it's not the PC right way to do it, then you're a horrible parent!

What a way to teach our kids how to act, eh?

Oh, and by the way??? I spanked. My kids graduate this year and in two more years. Good grades, good manners, considerate, thoughtful young men who DO NOT use physical violence as their first method, so for EVERYONE who is going to bash this because I spank, take their current behavior into account...

And, for those who use passive discipline methods, if your kids are starting to be horribly disrespectful, etc, You chose your discipline method. Hows that consistent gentle redirection really working?\

The bottom line is, ladies, that each person parents differently, and each child reacts differently. Passive discipline works for some, but not all. Spanking works for some, but not all. And, in both cases, the kids can grow up to be wonderful, or awful. A lot more factors are involved than just whether or not you spanked your kids...

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I think your first sentence describes exactly what has happened with some of the mothers who have commented here about how they were "preyed upon" or "victimized by" their parents. It breaks my heart to read how they completely disconnected from their poor parents over nothing, and let them pass away without realizing the error of their ways, almost as though they were proud of how long they could hold a grudge over something so insignificant. Talk about a scapegoat.

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my great grandmother used to say"sometimes it takes a little hurt to prevent a bigger one'". too many kids are allowed to be disrespectful these days-they are the selfish brats , bullies-I've seen it over and over working around kids. they actually come right out and say "'my parents don't do anything-just talk about it'-no big deal' yep-they're the ones always in trouble parents don't even hear about.

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I soo agree with you.in some countries where its illegal to spank kids,the parents live in fear,cause the kids have all the power.oh I cant play with the x-box,im calling cps cause you hit me..my friend went to Denmark with her mother inlaw and 4 year old.whom which was having bad behavioral issues ,and he threw a fit in public and clawed her face,so finally fed up she spanked him ,and ppl freaked out,cause its against the law there..I was a rotten child and was spanked and im not damaged by it....I soo agree with you that unspanked kids are unruly brats....

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I believe not spanking a child leads to behavioral issues. Children learn by discipline and spankings is one form of discipline. It may not be the best method to some people, but I stand by it 150%. Sometimes my children need a whooping. Sometime they need a timeout. Sometime they just need a good talking to.

I got my butt spanked all the time because I was an unruly child. Now I am a responsible adult. As I reflect back sometimes on my upbringing, I am glad my mom whooped my butt.

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Why is it not acceptable to spank the adults at work when I need to teach them something? Why is it that children 'require' spanking for you to be able to teach them? Safety is often the time when it is indicated that children need spanking to learn. Do children remember the lesson from being hit? Or simply that there parent hit them? I don't spank - my first reaction if my child is in danger is to remove them from danger - not hit them.

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Spanking is wrong.. I went through it and would not want my children to go through it. It is never right to hit someone..especially a child. That is not the right way to discipline. That is abuse.. If it is not ok for someone to hit you, it is not ok to hit a child. It would be confusing if a chid hit another child and they were told not to do that, but then they were hit back from their own parent.. Just wrong, no acceptions. If they are screaming and having a tantrum, try not to pay attention to it. If you keep calm and try to ignore them, they may stop after a while but hitting is wrong. I have been there and it took a while with my daghter but it worked.

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I agree wholeheartedly Alisha ...hitting ANYONE is so wrong .. hitting a child is just disgusting .. it isn't discipline which means to teach .. it is punishment of the worst kind. No one learns when afraid. Children have tantrums for a reason ... usually because they cannot get across what they mean ... and what they feel. Yes... not hitting and using our intellect to raise children takes time and energy but is so worth it. Congratulations on being a gentle mum X

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If spanking should be left out of parenting because it causes "behavioral issues" then children should also not be put in public school, which in my experience, causes WAY more behavioral issues than spanking could ever possibly cause. (and I do mean disciplining, not abusing)

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I can't believe how many people are in favor of spanking. I was hit as a child. I vowed to never do it to my own. It has taken a lot of creativity and patience to not hit. There have been times I have been publicly embarassed by my kids' behavior. There have been situations where I wished I had a threat that worked. I have a four year old who has never been spanked and a 13 month old. My four year old was potty trained at two within a week. Never had behavior issues at school, never has shown physical aggression unprovoked. I stuck to her side so she didn't touch the stove or run in the road. I explained that it could hurt or kill her. One day she got it. No spankings to enforce just constant supervision. My 13 month old is a menace. I could never hit her. Our responsibility as parents is to keep our kids safe. if you could get arrested for doing it to a stranger, why would you feel this is ok to do to your child? Growing up in the 80s, it was a regular occurrence to see kids get spanked in public. Most of my friends were hit w/belts or wooden spoons at home. I was too. My parents regret this. I still will never completely understand this dysfunctional thought process. Occasionally I see a kid get spanked at the park or store and I can't help but recognize that each spanker seems to be low rent trash. I wonder what happens at home if the kid gets hit in public. The parent thinks they are fixing a behavior problem when in reality they are humiliating their child(=low self esteem), instilling fear instead of respect, and laying the foundation for long term resentment. Don't ever hurt your kids. I have come close at times but never crossed the line. Taking away toys, tv, or even letting the tantrum go ignored completely in public e warrants the best results. Be consistent with no and follow through on your promises. Be honest when appropriate; but don't be afraid to tell a 3 year old that Chuck E Cheese is closed to avoid an argument. I can honestly say that I'm the best mother I know for following these rules. Don't forget to spend time with them. In ten years when the house is perfect and you check off everything on your list every day you will long for the days they were little. Cherish it and don't ruin it with a daily power struggle.

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That depends upon who, how, and why spanking is employed. Children need clear boundaries to their behavior with clear and patient instruction in order to navigate life according to "the rules of the game", so to speak, and to help avoid angry frustration when things don't go their way. Both attitudes and behavior, along with the maturity level of expectations, need to be a part of a parent's decision on when to apply spanking. To eliminate this well-established and effictive deterrent to rebellious or obnoxious behavior because some use it as a bullying tactic would be what my mom called, "cutting off your nose to spite your face!" Children learn to respect loving authority exercised to prevent them from straying into dangerous and anti-social behaviors that would gain them only injury or disapproval by others. On the other hand, failure to train them can result in horrendous results. My recommendation: find some experienced parents whose children are well-mannered and considerate of others and ask them how they did it. I believe you will find appropriate spanking has often been a part of the tool kit. I found some very helpful perspective on this issue at NoGreaterJoy.org from some seasoned and joyous parents with a rich well of wisdom. Faddish child-rearing philosophies swing like pendulums from one generation to another. These guys did a great job and have a joyous, well-adjusted family. I wish I had had such people mentoring me as a young mom.

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And I bet if you ask a lot of us we would tell you that hitting is hitting is hitting and it is ALWAYS wrong - whether you, the dog or a criminal ... and especially a vulnerable child !!

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We follow a simple rule of thumb in our home.
If the child is 1) doing something that could hurt themselves 2) doing something that could hurt someone else 3) an act of direct defiance....then a spanking is valid.

But, this rule doesn't go into place unles we have addressed the behavior first. When they were young (2yrs - 8 yrs) time-out came first. Once they became older, losing a priviledge came first (TV for 2 days, spending the night out that weekedn...something that mattered to them) But, my children were always given the choice to choose changing their behavior before any punishment.
and we were CONSISTENT and on the same page. There was no counting to 3 or idle threats of "if you do that again..."

Theer are children I don't allow my kids to have over because they are undisciplined in their homes. They are both rude when they speak and have no respect for our home or our things. Since I've watched them yell at their parents and refuse to participate in basic group activities I completely understand why it was said "spare the rod and spoil the child."

My son was expelled from K4...yep...K4. He was angry with the misstreatment of a childcare worker when he was 3 yrs old and wetting the mat at naptime. My happy, funny little guy became mad at the world. Thanks to an understanding employer who let me work from home and the use of an AMAZING program called KidsCoins, my son is now in 5th grade. He's a favorite with his classmates and teachers alike because he's very helpful with the kids struggling even though he's in advanced classes.

Although I can't remember the last spanking he was given, I'm sure he does. And, I know he'll tell you he's never felt unloved or bullied. Because that's exactly what he told a teacher when a discussion came up in class about spankings.

My daughter hadn't had a spanking in 2 years, until 2 weeks ago. She had been warned repeatedly about a new behavior that was extremely disrespectful. She had been grounded twice from spending the night out for it. The day she was un-grounded and let it fly out her mouth agin...we picked her up early from her outing and dealt with it by spanking. Haven't heard the sass a single time since.

If someone is emotionally damaging theior child in the manner they are spanking them, I'
ll guarantee you they are damaging their child in many ways. Don't spank in anger. Don't spank in frustration. And, don't spank for frivolous reasons.

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Do you 'spank' aka hit your husband if HE is disrespectful, or the bank manager, or the lady in the check out ?? NO .. you talk with them. Strangely enough .. things DO 'fly out of ALL people's mouths' - and you are no different. So . you don't like what she said. Tell her. AGAIN. There are other ways of dealing .. like even ignoring it ... when the 'thrill' factor dies. Don't SPANK full stop. Don't disrespect your child. Two wrongs do NOT make a right. And spanking for a bit of 'sass' as you like to call it .. IS frivolous! If .. a criminal on death road can't be hit ... what the HECK gives you the right to hit a defenceless child - instead of teaching it !!!

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spare the rod and spoil the child!!!!

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That is so mis quoted from what the Bible says.

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I was spanked as a child and although as a child I thought some of my parents reasons were stupid, Today I thank them for those same stupid spankings. I was not abused. I believe that today's BRATS are created by parents who just pass the buck onto the shoulders of teachers. They are there to give knowledge not Manners or discipline. Spanking a child does not harm them. It makes them know that there are consequences to their wrong behavior or actions. my children ( All 6 of them) are well balanced and well mannered. I do not tolerate bad behavior from them or even their friends. I am not an old fogey parent. I am almost 50, but still roll around on the grass with my kids, play pranks, listen to their music but when I spank them it comes with a lesson, a soft word and a hug afterwards. There is a difference between Spanking, Abuse and beating a child.

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I find this a hugely fascinating topic, we have an anti-smacking law in our country which was aimed at reducing the family violence against children, unfortunately it hasnt impacted those that are doing the actual serious physical damage to their kids. I am hugely interested to know how after how many several hundreds of years of probably smacking, belting and even beating other beings that it is all of a SUDDEN this generation that says it is not okay to smack. When I grew up in the 70's-80's schools had corporal punishment, probably every child in the school had a parent that has smacked them, if not given the wooden spoon or the jug cord? NOw bullying is out of control in schools and they want to make a task force to figure out how to deal with it-sorry but in this day and age of battling economies-it'll be a whole lot cheaper and effecient to start up corporal punishement again-I sure can bet you that the smart alec kids that are just pushing there luck, would pull their heads in real quick to avoid a cane from the principal. SO to summarise, I am hugely intrigued to learn how we got from having the cane at school from the principal or dean and even our parents-the cane across the knuckles in etc IN CLASS if you werent even sitting properly-to our own parents not even being allowed to smack us. It will be very interesting to see where society will be at on this issue in another 10 years.

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My thoughts.... After reading ALL of these comments and opinions, I'd like to share a story. I have been in so many different situations in my life that have afforded me the opportunity to SEE some things for myself. I'm going to tell you what I have SEEN not what I read or was told by someone who probably doesn't even have kids. I knew a guy. He was 21 years old, repeat criminal. Woman abuser, thief, druggie. Constantly in jail. EVERY single time he went to jail, his granny RAN to get him out. what is that teaching him? Absolutely nothing. LOVE your children by teaching them right from wrong not by spoiling them. He is now serving 65 years for aggravated sexual assault. He thought his granny could get him out of it. When she couldn't and he heard his sentence, he cursed her out right there in the court room. I agree, there are MANY ways to discipline a child. Sometimes, spanking is what gets through, depending on the child. I use it as a last resort for all 3 of my children. People confuse spanking with physical abuse. My mother included. Now my 40 year old sister (and her 7 kids she began having at 16) is constantly having to move back in with her. My 20 year old brother takes her car at night while she's asleep. I never was spanked either but I was strong minded enough to not stress her like my siblings. So, in all honesty, NOT spanking can cause future behavioral issues.

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I agree that you shouldn't get kids out of every jam they get in or spoil them. I also think people confuse discipline with spanking. Spanking is not discipline, it's hitting. My kids are WELL disciplined, they have consequences, I'm strict, they listen, I'm involved. I do not hit them; however. I agree, spanking may not be abuse, but it is not discipline. Discipline means to teach & hitting doesn't do that.

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