Can you forgive a cheating partner?

Especially when you're parenting, you need your partner to be a reliable and steady presence. So when infidelity enters the picture, it can rock your whole world. Can you forgive cheating?

40  Answers

1 24

I absolutely can and have. For better or worse....that's one of the worse. I married a falible human being and as soon as we think our marriages are above someone making monumental mistakes we set ourselves up for disaster that is sure to strike.
Can I do it under my own power? Absolutely not. It is only by the grace of God, admitting there is a problem, getting some help and loving support of family and friends that a marriage heals from infidelity.
I remember my mother saying, "You can and will get through this. You are right, your marriage will never be the same. But have you ever considered it just might be better?"
And she was totally right. Infidelity doesn't happen in a vaccuum....it is the last straw that broke the proverbial camel's back. There's always something that lead up to it. It's a symptom of the problem....not the whole problem.
When we allowed ourselves to take a good honest look at ourselves and our marriage, God replaced the shambles with a mansion that I am grateful for each and every day. Leaving would have solved nothing but drag my pain somewhere else.

117
2 2

Amen...I know it is ONLY by the grace of God that our marriage has survived our 1 trespass each and is stronger and more loving for it. Are you on FB? You sound like someone I would like. :-)

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5 0

Not now, not ever. That is the ultimate betrayal in my eyes. I went through this and there is no way I could ever forgive him. I could never trust him again and would have spent my life in a stressed state and looking over my shoulder. I didn't want to worry if he was going to the grocery store or going to see someone. Was he really stuck in traffic? Did he really have to work late? And so on. No one should live like that. Don't blame yourself. The most beautiful women in the world have been cheated on. Those who forgive the man and those men who forgive their women, are weak and afraid in my opinion. It take a lot of guts to face the world alone, but it is far better then living with a cheater. The years I was alone I learned to take care of my own child and life. I worked hard and scrimped and cut corners. My child and I survived. While becoming involved with her school, I met the most wonderful man in the world, to whom I am now married. He was cheated on too. We both know that there is no way we would ever put someone through that kind of pain.
Don't settle, don't put up with being the second choice, make yourself number one and stand on your own two feet. You will be far better and stronger for it. They will only do it again. ONce a cheater, always a cheater.

105
10 17

LOVE YOUR COMMENT AND YOU HIT IT RIGHT ON THE HEAD.

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2 0

I can forgive a cheating spouse but that doesn't mean that I would stay, you teach people how to treat you and taking them back suggests that it's ok to treat me like crap and I can't have that.

67
0 23

yep i totaly agree with you!

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0 0

Some women here don't realize that there is different types of cheating. Its not as simple as "cheating is cheating". Some cases could certainly be unforgivable, especially if its happening over and over again. But sometimes, human beings will make a horrible mistake. Just because you know that for an instant, you were not the woman in their minds, some other tart was, doesn't mean that they don't care about you anymore. And as far as that "weak" comment goes, it's easy enough to say that on the internet, but do yourself a favor and NEVER say that in a roomful of girls who have been cheated on and made their relationship work afterwards. Making a relationship work after something so devastating is one of THE HARDEST things in the world! Picking up pieces of your life and your HEART after a blow like that and starting over again, is MUCH harder than walking away. It is devastating any way you look at it, but if you are a strong enough person to make things work afterwards (even though you don't get over it for a very long time, if ever), if the partner is truly worth it to you, then I say do it. Some people are worth a second chance. I wouldn't say they are worth much more than that, but if you are with a decent enough human being, they will understand that the hurt they have caused their partner (not to mention the tremendous amount of hurt they have caused themselves) is something so awful that it could never happen again, you may just have saved what could be the best relationship and life that you could have ever hoped for. I went through this after being with my man for two years, and it hurt worse than almost anything (almost comparable to losing my father a couple years before). I couldn't look at him, I moved out right away, all I could do was close my eyes and try (to no avail) not to cry. It was depressing, especially since I didn't do anything wrong to have to go through this pain. But there is a reason you are in so much pain, and sometimes its because the person you are in so much pain over, is worth holding onto and having that second chance. We have now been together for 7 years and have two beautiful children and while we still have similar problems that any other couple would have, we wouldn't want to be with anyone else. We are so in love with our family that I am so grateful that I had the strength to get through what I did. And now that enough time has passed, I don't think about it even close to as much as I did before. I can say that while I will never forget, I am over it. Its something that I will never throw in his face if we argue, and I will take what I have learned from all of it and be a much STRONGER person because of it. Sorry, but that WEAK comment really agitated me. You can't judge based on what you usually see. If you haven't experienced the process, you should be too judgmental.

43
0 0

Thank you, Meg, for your post. I agree with you 100%. You have helped renew my hope and I am looking forward to the one year mark so maybe I can begin to rest easier. I know I will not forget, but I have forgiven, and I also know that I need time. As I said in my post, only 35% come through, and that means it takes more to stay and fight for the marriage than it does to get out. I am looking forward to the days when it doesn't enter my mind, and I don't have so many "triggers." Thank you for your inspiration! It's what I needed today.

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0 0

I guess I offer a different perspective, as I was the cheater. I married my husband believing I could never ever do that to him. I didn't have it in me. I had too high of morals. I would never hurt him the way I saw my dad hurt my mom when I was a little girl. Years passed and I began to feel like I was just a glorified maid in my home. He did his thing, I did mine. We rarely did things together. We didn't act like a married couple at all. Even our friends noticed that. It seemed to be all about him and our two boys, but I didn't feel included. And me? I was not a good communicator of my feelings, and I kept these things locked up tight inside me for four years until someone at work started to notice me and pay attention to me. I fought it tooth and nail, because deep down, that is not me to even consider going there, but the progression of my emotions during this time went from feeling neglected to feeling hurt, to feeling angry, to feeling resentful, to feeling bitter, to just plain indifferent. The indifference was the most dangerous emotion. It lead me to make the biggest mistake of my life, one that lasted a little over a year. We got caught texting one night this past April. I told my husband the truth about what had been going on. Though I left out many details that eventually trickled their way out. I didn't want to lie to him, but once I was forced to admit it, it was like I couldn't even tell the truth to myself. I really felt like I had been living in a bubble for a year and it had just burst and I came plummeting to Earth. It was the worst night of our lives. I hadn't anticipated that he still actually loved me. I really believed he only stayed with me because of the kids, because it would kill him to be away from them. I had only seen three outcomes during this time. Either I leave him for the other man, which I knew I wouldn't do, end it with the other man and divorce my husband, or end it with the other man and stay with my husband, my husband none the wiser. I never ever envisioned this blowing up in my face and my having to face the music the way I did. I left my home for two weeks and lived with my mom, alternating kids staying with me every night. It was awful. I left because he asked me to, but leaving my babies just seemed so unnatural and wrong. It still hurts me to think about it. I had never thought about what it would do to my kids. How selfish is that? I ended it with the other man the second this came out. I've never seen him or talked to him again. My husband, after two weeks, asked me to come home and said he loved me enough to want to make it work. I came home the first of May and have been there ever since. We've gone to counseling a couple times, but mostly it's just been us working on our communication. Things have been rough at times, but equally great! I am very lucky. I hate that he found out because I never really wanted to hurt him. I was trying to take care of myself. But had I ended it with the guy and just gone back to my life, I wouldn't have done anything differently to try to change our relationship. He wouldn't know how I was feeling. And who knows what would have happened next? I don't know if he's forgiven me yet. We have our days. But our communication has improved and he is attentive to me now. Most importantly, it has made me turn the tables on myself and see how I could've done things differently before it ever got so bad. I am responsible for my marriage going south as much as I thought he was. One of the most difficult parts is not having the trust he used to have for me. And that's because I abused that trust and threw it away. But with time, baby steps, we are making progress there. "Once a cheater, always a cheater?" Nope. I'm a human being. I made a terrible mistake. I learned from my mistake. I will never do this to him again. Even more, I will never do this to myself again. Cheating is like being addicted to drugs. You know you aren't supposed to do it, but if you do, you get hooked. Once you get hooked, you get addicted. You know you need to quit it, you want to quit, because the drug is starting to kill you, but it always sucks you back in. I've never done a drug, but I equate my experience to that sensation. And I refuse to define myself as a cheater because I cheated. I'm recovering from my horrible mistakes. I'm still working on forgiving myself. Thank you for reading.

26
0 14

This took a LOT of courage to write. Thank you for your perspective.

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0 11

Forgiving is the easy part. Building trust is the difficult part. ONce you know that your partner has the ability to be unfaithful, it is really difficult to get past that idea and trust again. Compound that with feeling trapped because you gave up your career to raise the kids and have no recent job experience and are competing for what few jobs there are with people half your age.

As long as there is hope, then you can continue to move forward.

19
0 17

Thank you for that input Kelly! I'm still in the beginning stages of rebuilding the trust and I must admit I am nervous about it but your post gives me confidence and hope!

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18 0

I always thought my answer would be no way!! However after a close friend was faced with this question and fought to keep her marriage I honestly dont know.She had some really good reasons to forgive and move on. It would depend on the circumstances and how my heart and mind fell. I hope and pray this is a question i never have to answer!!

18
1 0

I so know this feeling, this could have been me writing this comment! Going through this with my friend has taught me something very valuable. Never judge as until you have been in the exact same position you never know what you would do! You can make it but it take allot of hard work and all the right reason, at least that is what I hope for!

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0 0

Im going through this now after 13 years if marriage, and my feeling right now is a resounding NO. I have lost all trust and all respect for him. To me, love and partnership go hand in hand with trust and respect. You MUST be able to fully trust him and look at him and feel respect . If you can't do this anymore, how can you really love that person? You wouldn't be happy . For me it's a matter of putting the past behind, be the best mom possible for the kids and carry on :-)

15
0 0

i've been there. as, apparently, have many other women here. i can tell you that if he is repentant, willing to truly see how he has hurt you and willing to work to fix it; and if you are willing to work at putting this in the past and building a new marrage, then you CAN survive it. it is not easy, but it is worth it. trust can be rebuilt. but it takes so very very much work. and it is a matter of choise and will--not emotional love. at least not at first. it rebuilds with the trust, over time. the way i choose to see it--many marrages live and die never knowing how strong they are. now, i KNOW mine is strong, and that is very comforting.

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1 24

I have forgiven what I consider the worst occurrence a married couple could go through. I had to do a self evaluation (and that is the hardest pill to swallow) to see what part I played in the situaion & I did have to share in some of the blame. So we managed to work through it but I still have a long way to go before I trust him 100% again but it's a fight worth enduring because I do love my husband. Having said that please understand, "Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, shame on me but with that shame will come permant life-changing damage". ;-) (I'm just saying)

14
32 8

Good for you Joy! And best wishes for your future. =)

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1 7

Eventually you have to forgive for your own good and peace of mind. However, because I could never FORGET, I couldn't stay with that person.

14
12 18

You hit the nail right on the head. Overtime I could forgive the act, but I could never forget it or trust him. I could never be with anybody who cheated.

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0 0

No way! I consider it a breach of contract. Not "for better or worse." that is a cop out and anyone can use it as an excuse if so desired..."Oops, honey I cheated on you multiple times, but you said you'd be with me for better or worse!"

I say, thank you for releasing me from something I couldn't possibly live with (STDs included).
As for parenting, plenty of single mothers have raised productive citizens. AND it's not like a single mother can't have a second chance at marriage and the children a second chance at a better role model for a dad (and vice versa of course).

12
0 7

I AGREE WITH YOU!.....

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1 10

I don't believe cheating is a "mistake." We are adults of sound mind and every cheater knows exactly what they are doing. I think some women stay not because their husbands are worth fighting for, but because they are unable to leave. It is unfair for other women to call those women weak. I chose not to stay and even through continued financial difficulty and having to work two jobs to support myself and child, leaving was the best decision I have ever made and I wish I had respected myself enough to do it sooner. I am grateful that even though I have very little free time, that I was financially capable of taking care of us enough to have left when I know other women who are not. My advise to other women; do what's best for you and your child, regardless of the cheater.

10
0 27

I have to take what I said back on my earlier posts........cause after reading your comment......I realize that I couldn't agree more. Your words lifted me up & gave me a little insight....as I'm facing a painful infidelity situation right now with my husband. I'm so torn & well, let's just say EMOTIONAL. I love him & still want our little familia of 3 to stay together but on the other hand, my feelings of ending the marriage are very strong due to the fact that I KNOW we wouldn't be able to make it work. Not because I don't have faith but I mean....I know that I would throw it in his face when there are problems, I'll always be looking over my shoulder, wandering where he really is even if he calls, if he's thinking about her or someone else, wouldn't ever feel secure with myself again thinking that I'm not good enough for him (Yes, I do realize that I'm not the blame for the affair but I can't help to feel that hey, guess I'm not good enough ya know). Many reasons! Also, he has said "Sorry" many times & has stated he wouldn't ever do it again & saw how bad it ripped me apart & our familia......The thing is Andrea, It doesn't feel like it's enough for me you understand? I want to hear it all the time, I want to see more action in proving he won't do it again & that he really is sincerely sorry, and more. Ugh I just have so much to say & type but it's like my emotions are all crazy right now that I'm having a hard time even thinking. :( This affair of his happened during his last deployment to Iraq in which he was gone for 8 months. I guess what hurts me the most is the fact that the affair didn't end when his deployment ended.....about a month after he got home he lied to me & told me he was going to IL to help his parents move. Wait first let me say that he did go to his parents & did help them move....BUT.....he made a 4 day stop in between to meet up & be with the woman he cheated on me with in Iraq. To know that it was an emotional affair as well.....oh it hurts more than anything. I found that he got them a 4 day/night stay at a B&B Winery Historical type place & took her to buy lingerie.......what I'm getting at with this sentence is that when I found those details out it made me feel so unimportant, unnoticed, unloved, disrespected, like I was nobody & my feelings/needs never mattered. He's never like that with me. He's cheap. If we go out of town to see familia, me & my son already know where we are staying cause there's no way Daddy would let us all stay in a hotel. He doesn't take me shopping for lingerie.....in fact he told me a very long time ago that he really wasn't into lingerie. So you see where I'm going with this and why I feel the way I do? Not trying to sound conceited but I don't think there is anything wrong with my looks (in/out clothes/lingerie).....so if he does in deed (well obviously since he bought it for her) like lingerie then why not take me to get it so I can wear it for him or hell, the lingerie I have, why doesn't he ever want me to put it on & show it off for him. I'm 104 lbs., 5"2.....To me that sounds/looks sexy. But I guess that's just me. Don't mean to get personal & I'm sorry I'm rambling but I just have to get this out. You see, I can't feel secure about myself around/with him anymore. I'm always going to be thinking to myself or out loud that "Maybe if I did this to myself like she did or what if I was more tan like her or what if I dressed in short shorts & shit like that more often"! My mind is out of control right now & I need to just calm down. I have to say that I'm proud of how I've been able to control my emotions around my son. I don't want him to have to see any of this crap & I hope & pray that I can continue to be strong & not have a breakdown. But to be honest, I'm scared that I may just have a breakdown soon. Thank you for listening/reading & it would be great if I could get some feedback from you. I will make my decision based on my feelings/thoughts/opinions/etc. & not just because of what others think I should or should not do. I'm just asking for feedback to....I guess just give me hope, cheer me up, let me know your feelings after reading what I wrote....I don't know. Thank you for taking your time again & reading my venting! :)

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0 6

Here's what I think...that most of the responses on this page clealy do not understand forgiveness...it means to:
1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
3. to grant pardon to (a person).
4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.
5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of the offense.

I truly understand that cheating on someone is the ultimate hurt...that is why forgivness is the necessary response...because TRUE forgiveness is the ultimate response.
When you forgive someone it is an opportuntiy to express the highest form of love...a love that is not self-seeking,
kind,
respectful,
trusting,
keeping no record of wrong,
patient,
not boastful,
not rude.
My husband and I have been married for almost 38 years...we have been down the road of unfaithfulness...the road to forgiveness made for an amazing marrige both now and in the days we are given. I will tell you dead on that it is HARD to do...but the reality is that when we forgive and live out forgiveness...we are blessed beyond measure. I always tell young women we encounter at work (Im an administrator at a college) that when they marry if troubles arise...if they can only remember a pinch (tiny amount) of why they fell in love with their man in the first place...that they can find it in their hearts to forgive. Forgiveness is a choice...when you chose correctly...you will find the blessings that come from it.

8
0 49

I love your post and agree 100% :)

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3 17

The pain of death is akin to the pain of finding out a spouse cheated. Some folks can survive it and forgive, and rebuild and move on. Some folks can't. People are different emotionally, and mentally. Until you have stood in that persons place, don't judge that person for that choice regardless of how you would have chosen. Love is funny. I never even comment when folks say I'm leaving him, he's a dirtbag because I know he might just bring flowers, ask for forgiveness and then where am I? (hated of course). She will tell him what I said. For folks that can't forgive, hire an attorney and get a divorce. For folks that can, get counseling, have long, long talks, make sure it wont happen again. There is no right or wrong answer here. Some folks stay for children, money, desperation, the sheer complication of their lives, or love. Would I forgive? Yes, under the right circumstances, sure. Would I allow it to continue? No. Jesus said forgive 70 x 7. I don't know that I could do that now, but if I really loved him or her and I was convinced that they were sincere, and if the reasons seemed justified somehow, (you worked all the time and didn't show me attention) (they had suffered some tragedy in their life, a death maybe, a job loss, and were going thru the throws of the emotions dealing with that (feeling insecure and needed reassurance they were still a valued human being) and the wrong person was there at the right time) . Another question to look at is how often, how many people, over what period of time. Some folks I understand live in marriages where they agree this is an acceptable behavior. I couldn't live with that either, but I wouldn't judge someone that chose that live style either.

8
6 0

I don't necessarily believe that it's because a person can't forgive; it's just that, once a contract is breeched, the deal is off. Yes, MARRIAGE IS A LEGAL BINDING CONTRACT! Remember, God allows for divorce in cases of infidelity. I have forgiven my ex, but even after he BEGGED me to take him back two weeks after he left (& after I dfound out he'd been cheating on me) he was already in some other girl's pants! He cheated MULTIPLE times. Had I known about it the 1st time, I'd have left then! He was involved with a 15 year old and several other people. He & the then 15 year old later had two kids together. Of course, he cheated on her too, as well as wife #2. LOL...and the cycle continues! Silly girls!

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5 14

The minute I know they cheated, it's over. I have too much pride. Once I know he had sex with someone else, they'll never sleep with me again. My ex husband cheated and it was over. We had a four year old son. I was glad to be rid of him. My stance is, if you love me than I'm all you need. If you need to cheat, you should no longer be in that relationship. It's over.

8
0 18

' if you love me than I am all you need' ......totally right! And who knows,maybe he picked up AIDS or an STD from that person!

2 2

Absolutely you can. I did. I agree with the writer below, though, that it depends if the partner is truly repentant. That has to be the key; why would you want to be with someone who didn't think he - or she - had done anything wrong? That was 7 years ago; we have been married for just over 22 years now, and we both have to say it's been the best 7 years of our marriage. Yes the road through was hard, but my girls still have their dad, one home, and I have a wonderful man. Maybe it helped me, being on the same headspace he was in, a few years earlier. I 'knew' I was leaving, so hot involved with someone...by the grace of God we made it through that one, too. Not easy, but can be done.

7
6 0

I am JUST CURIOUS, are you a stay at home mom? Are your parents and/or siblings supportive of your decision to remain w/ a cheating husband?

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0 20

never again,my now ex husband cheated on me many times and admitted to affairs i knew nothing about,it ripped my family apart and has now wrecked any relationship he had with his children,and this was some 10 years ago,my new partner is totally different,but IF,he ever cheated it would be over in a heartbeat,i wouldn't lose my dignity by begging him to stay like i did with my childrens father,i know i can cope on my own .

6
13 8

No. It would be too hurtful and i would never trust him again nor take him back.

6
0 9

Same here :)

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0 17

Negative. ONce a cheater , always a cheater..... I couldn't live with the kind of person that thinks this is ok. My respects to the people that can make it work... I for one, won't put up with it. I value myself too much to let someone disrespect me this way, someone who can't respect you , doesn't love you.

5
0 18

A definite yes. Why would you let the enemy win by breaking up a marriage that made in love.? You don't go through years of loving someone and wanting to spend the rest of your life with them and raise a family by letting your marriage be destroyed and a family destroyed by cheating. Yes, it hurts but there are worse things that could happen. So go to God and ask Him to heal your hurts and emotions and mind. Jesus died on the cross to take away all sins, all griefs, all sorrows, all pain. Believe me, it worked for me, it can work for you. And remember, you think you would never do that, but in weak moments, it can happen. We don't get our satisfaction, our love, our acceptance from people bc they will always fail. But we get it from Jesus Christ, thats why He came to the earth, it was for us. He knew what we needed, its available but we have to ask Him for it. Ask and you will receive His love to overcome all obstacles and you'll get a new life. Maybe you could lead your partner to know Jesus and give him a new life as well then you win.

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1 9

I Love My Savior; And It Was he who told me to find Happnies; I am not sorry for how my life turned out ; I have 2 new beaiutiful Sons ; 23 and 25 ' ;; I would have missed all that ; and been sad and unhappy forever'' I also have 3 other children ;; all married; I have 7 grand children and 3 great grand children; ; Life is too short to be unhappy;;;;

0 0

I appreciate both sides of the debate. I think it is an idividual opinion and what works for one family doesn't work for every family. What I appreciated most was Kelly's comment "getting some help and loving support of family and friends that a marriage heals from infidelity." I am now divorced. My partner cheated and continued to cheat. I begged and pleaded for him to stop. I wanted counceling and church. We were both backslid Christains at the time and I felt we needed God in our lives. He said he agreed and then nothing changed and the cheating continued. I don't really have a family but have always been really close to his family. Everyone in his family knew and no one did anything supportive for me or for us whatsoever. It was devestating. I finally made the decision and left him. My daughter was 4 at the time and it was the hardest thing I've ever done and I've spent the past several years recovering from it. I know I made the right decision for me and for my daughter. But if he had stopped the cheating, I would have forgiven and tried to move on. FYI, he is still with the woman he cheated on me with. Everyday I thank God for something I am grateful for. I am now dating someone wonderful and Christian and amazing. I now, however, have no tolerance for cheaters in my life. I've been through too much and I've seen too much. I am also in no hurry to settle down again. Cheating has really changed me completely. It makes you a little less naive, a little more aware and appreciative of your partner and his/her feelings and has brought me closer to God.

4
0 0

With the stress of working, parenting and what life throws at people today, people are bound to make mistakes! And that is what it is...a mistake most of the time. It can make you realise what you really have and make your relationship stronger or make you realise this isn't what you want. It is possible to forgive but if you do you cant throw it back in their face everytime theres a problem in your relationship.
We are all human, and no body is perfect. Sometimes you have to ask yourself, why did they cheat (male or female) why? have they been trying to talk to you how they feel and you haven't had time to listen, has one got a higher sex drive than the other? Do the kids sleep inbetween you so your husband doesn't get a look in, do you treat them with respect? and many more reasons a relationship can get hard.If you need to spend more quality time together but you're not talking or making them feel special anymore, is it any wonder sometimes people find that friendship in someone else and it leads to something else? then maybe it just wasn't ment to be!!Yes its no excuse to cheat, but were not perfect.......just human! I believe if you talk & listen & both willing to work on your relationship you can forgive, If you give up or realise its not ment to be..you'll never forget either!

4
6 0

During stressful times a spouse should lean on one another, not ANOTHER person outside of the marriage! LOL....how silly!

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0 17

My husband and I have been through this. I cheated on him several times years ago and although he didn't know at the time it did put strains on our relationship. I had decided that I could never do this again and I haven't. Several years later (after our twins were born) I didn't realise how much time and energy I was putting into the children and none at all in our marriage. At the same time my best friend was struggling with her marriage. She confided in me that she wad cheating on her husband. I had no idea that it was with my husband. It went on for months with out me knowing. When it finally did come out it was a long hard road. Not only had I lost trust in my husband, but I also lost the other person I trusted the most in this world, my best friend. It was a long hard road, but we did work things out. Our marriage is now stronger and happier than it has ever been. We learned to be more honest with each other. Instead if sweeping things that bother us under the rug, now we are better able to talk about them and confide more in each other. I am not saying that it was easy, or things went right back to the way they were, I'm not even saying that it was all his fault. I'm not saying that it wasn't hard for him to gain my trust back, it was, it was very hard, but our marriage now is better and stronger because of the things we went through together.

I also forgave my friend. We are no longer best friends, but if we pass each other in the store we can speak and not claw each others eyes out. After all, if you don't forgive you are the person it is hurting the most.

There is a song out right now, Blessings, by Laura Story. I have kinda adopted that song as mine. Many of my blessings in this life have come through raindrops and storms, but when I look at the big picture I always know that God is in control and if an affair is what it took to make our marriage what is is today I wouldn't go back and change it. Would I rather not have lived through it, yes, but it has made me a stronger person and our marriage a stronger marriage.

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I did and all that happened was he did it again, and again, and again. I was warned years ago when it first happened that once they cheat they will do it again because there had to be a mindset in place in your cheating spouse to CROSS that line of morality and not VALUE your marriage anymore. Once one person has give up on the marriage in this way it doesn't matter how much the faithful person forgives, or tries to work on the marriage etc. You have to forgive them but you do not have to continue to live with them or tolerate having them continue to hurt you. Not trying to be bitter here but after all the years and friends who have had this happen, it has never worked out for the faithful spouse who knocked their brains out trying to figure out what happened, why, how, and what can they do to change and make it better. The problem is not that of the faithful spouse in the marriage but that of the cheating one who lost the morality, the value of marriage, the trust of the life mate. I don't want to hear how the marriage had issues etc. you still don't go out and have sex with someone who isn't your spouse - sure isn't going to fix things.

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Amen! You are completely correct!

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That's tough....sorry you're going through this! I honestly don't know what I would do myself. I love my husband so much and in the beginning, we made a pact that IF either of us cheated, it would be OVER. 11 years and 3 kids later, proud to say neither of us have cheated..... We have both given ourselves to God....If Jesus can forgive, then so can I. But I think it would take a VERY long time.

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I can and have! It isn't easy and trust has to be rebuilt but I love my husband and, even though the emotional pain was unbearable, I never doubted my ability to forgive him. I was more worried he would'nt be able to forgive himself for having hurt me like that! He does'nt understand why I still love him and want him but in a weird way, I love him now more then ever. His infidelity hit me like a ton of bricks and caused things to happen that I could have never imagined or seen coming. Threw our faith, we will get past all the unhappiness and move on as a stronger couple and family then we were before! You have to appreciate what you have every day or stand the chance of losing it all. A couple needs constant working on and having a busy life is no excuse for not spending quality time together, you have to find time for yourselves, there is too much at stake!

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1 3

I never thought I could forgive my now ex, but after I found out about one of his affairs, I stayed with him. I don't know why, for me or for my daughter who was three at the time. As years went by, I never questioned his suspicious behavior. He is a cheater, he learned from his father and uncles that, it's okay for men to have women on the side while the wives role was to remain a loyal wife. Over time his and his parent's behavior went from bad to worse, after 12 1/2 years I finally left. I found out the reason for his awful behavior towards me was that he was having another affair, with a friend of the family. He did not side with me ever whenever his parents were being unpleasant towards me rather, he fueled their hatred towards me. I live with my three young children, and am a full time student. I feel that more unforgivable than a man cheating on his wife is the wife allowing her life to be controlled by her husband. I literally am starting from scratch, financially and emotionally, a women who forgives her husband needs to be strong, courageous and respect herself, otherwise she is staying in a situation which is more comfortable than trying to make it on her own. Myself, I still think daily of what I've been through and have such hatred towards him. I regret not leaving him sooner because our marriage was pretty much over way before the first time he had an affair. If your marriage truly is/was worth saving then why would your husband cheat on you? Even the excuses such as: I didn't think, my wife was not there for me etc, still make me wonder why would a man or for that matter a woman sacrifice his/her marriage if it was important to them?

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Surinder Lally, I applaud you for leaving your ex, however I wouldn't waste my energy on hating him. It means he still has some control. Good luck

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6 81

Well
i've been there done that. But my circumstance is a little different.. My ex cheated on me with a man. And yes I evenually forgave him. and were good friends today. Bitter
ness destroys a person.

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0 6

It takes a tough-hearted wife to draw the line between feeling hurt, then trying hard to forgive next; and feeling hurt, then acting-firm-to-leave next. On impulse, a devastated wife would leave: pained at being betrayed and dumped by her husband, after all the things (efforts, sacrifices, etc.) she has done for her family. The feeling centers in the argument that she doesn't deserve such an unfair treatment. Hence, the realization that she must leave and give more attention to herself to re-boost her morale. But on second thought, she can choose to clear her mind and stay, and face the situation as a challenge. Perhaps there is just a need of a new strategy: a change in some routine or a make-over of sorts to rekindle the old romance. I may make it sound easy but leaving at the height of one's heated emotions may just lead to a series of not-so-good consequences; including either or both having another affair or relationships, confusion among the kids, and having troubles with finances. I do not say staying would not be risky, specially if their was physical and oral violence from the husband-to- the-wife or the father-to-the-children, along the way . Indeed, there is the so-called case-to-case basis. Case #1: The wife chose to forgive and stay; then try her best with her husband's cooperation, to settle the issue, with the help of a support group aiming for reconciliation. Case #2: The wife chose to leave, feel bitter for years, struggle with finances (being ignored by the husband who feels unstable himself), and resort to a support group who is for separation on equal grounds of protecting the wife and her children. I respect the support's group advocacy, and there can be other possible cases; BUT at the end of the line, there will always be a point-in-time, whether sooner-or-later, when both husband and wife will realize the FAMILY always deserves a second chance -- for as long as one or both (it takes two to tango) is/are willing to genuinely forgive and change-for-the better.

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I agree full heartily with your response. I found it to be very interesting and suggestive with a very good outcome is it one/ones chosen. I do love the fact of the family oriented being FIRST. Thanks for your great comment. It is comment/opinionative as well with good advice to all who would like to accept or consider. Thanks for the in-put. Sometimes we don't know who we are helping and reached just because we took time to share! Continue to share, good advise is always necessary and needful. Mrs. Pettus, Shelby, NC stephnaiepettus@ymail.com

1 9

Wow awsome answers;;
I was cheated on ; for 7 years; I tried; ;
But I moved on' I am now married to a wonderfull man;
But the feeling of (am I the only one ?)is still there ;
I fight it daily; ; Yes he is worth it ; but am I ?
I will never Know'

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0 0

I am the same way. I have had guys cheat on me in the past. So now I constantly wonder, why is he late, who is he texting or emailing, is he really going out with the guys. I have to fight the thoughts everyday. Once the scar is made there is no going back. My current husband use to text a girl that lives in CA, he knows how I feel about her as it is but he went behind my back and texted her for a few yrs. When I found out I was crushed, he also told me that he had feeling for her as well. In the ned I forgave him and we got married and so far (as far as I know) he has no contact with her. But there is still those constant questions..the who what where when and why.

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0 9

My husband of 20 years and partner of 25 years cheated on me 3 times. First when our first child was only 8 months old. Due to family pressures (although my heart was crushed) I forgave him and gave our marriage another chance.He did it again, when I found out, he decided to hurt me futher by doing it openly, demoralises me with many hurtful words. Complete disrespect to my feelings or our kids ( we have two kids) Again (stupid me) begged him to stop because this time I was thinking of our kids, a home with a daddy etc. But he refused to stop his cheating an told me he wants to 'explore' his feelings first.
I WAS TOLD TO ACCEPT IT AND SHARE HIM WITH HER OR RISK LOSING HIM. This humiliates me.... So I kicked him out! I am glad I did. I have self dignity and moral value. I cannot show my daughter ( who's 15 then) that I 'accept' to be treated this way just because I love a man.
He violated my trust! 20 years is a long time to give to someone and find out that he did not respect you or the marriage.
We are now divorced. This whole betrayal has given me a lot of strenght to me personally. I gave up my career for him. Now I am back into work. my kids are with me and met few great guys.Had lots of dates. I felt appreciated, wanted and above all loved unconditionally by my kids as they saw what I went through and now can see how I am doing esp. my daughter, who's 17 now.
So ladies, yes it hurts (nothing can compare) but try to move on, love yourself first and everything else will fit into the puzzles.
Have a Great Christmas

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40 15

I know what it feels like. After 17 years of working hard in a factory, doing all the house-work, cooking, and still trying to look nice, my husband cheated. How dare he do that to me. I never left because we had a teenage child, and I still loved him. After 46 years of marriage my husband died knowing that I never forgave him. Now I will die with the regret that I never forgave him. My advice would be "if you stay forgive".

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0 23

My husband and i have been married 13yrs, he has cheated God knows how many times. I forgave him, but will never forget the hurt, pain, and stress he has put me through. It has damaged our marriage because of his infidelity. I don't know if it will ever be like it was. I choice to stay with him because I love him and wanted our marriage to work. I never thought I would go through this with any man! I always said when I was younger ,that I wouldn't. Its easy to say that until you experience it!

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You are a stronger person than I ; I left a marrage of 23 years and 3 children' 1 who was married; 1 who was 3. and married a man that is the love of my life ; and 2 more sons; PLEASE DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS THAN THE BEST;

0 18

I always said i would hurt him so bad and walk away with my head held high if he ever cheated
i married my partner of then 21 years(school sweethearts) 4 years ago and after 5 months of marriage i found out he was cheating.funny how what you reinforce over the years crumbles infront of your eyes isnt it,so easy to say what you will do in a situation until it actually happens and apart from the self doubt the undescribeable pain and everything else that comes with this situation(we are now stronger and happier then we have ever been) i have learnt never to say "well if this or that happens to me this is what i would do"because nothing is ever that easy.

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Isnt it funny how that works...you never know what you will do until you are in that position but if the show was on the other foot and we were the one who cheated, they would leave without looking back. Why is that?

68 0

It is the ultimate betrayel in my eyes I don't think I could forgive and move on . I would always suspect my partner . I have told him if he ever has I don't want to know I don't think I could live with him . I have never cheated on him and never concidered it . I have had opportunity but I never wanted to . I love him and him only . And expect the same .

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0 2

I stayed, I forgave, and I wasted my youth. He not only was a cheater, he would have sex with just about anything. A truly twisted creature that did not deserve my forgiveness or my time. Know what you're really dealing with; forgiveness may not be the answer. Even in the divorce he managed to screw me financially (planned it all out behind my back, just like one of his trysts). A conniving bum is just that. Open your eyes wide before just taking him back, even for the children's sake)!

1 14

betrayal, deception , hurt are just few of the emotions i felt when my ex husband cheated on me.Giving him the chance never made things better, in fact it made him worst knowing there is ready forgiveness..
Cheating the the worst sin you can commit to your partner.. May it be in a marriage or a serious relationship..If He cheated on you it only means he respect and love you less..We deserve to be love 100% no more no less..

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0 18

ITA! And if you forgive them,they think,"Oh she forgave me,so I'll do it again!"

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0 21

i was raised that God hates a divorcing, but DOES make the exception in the case of adultery. it doesn't mean we HAVE to divorce. it just means that our loving God knows we all have a different emotional make-up. so then the question is "can we truly work to get past this, or do we stay w/ the cheating spouse & thus start a life-sentence if we don't truly forgive?" which ever route you pick, make no mistake, its gonna take alot of time, effort, & dedication until you have a NEW normal. above all, we nee to keep/put God 1st in our marriage.

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THe answer can vary greatly by the interpretation of the questions. It can change depending on what your defination of forgiveness is. My defination is that you accept that the past couldn't have happened any differently. That doesn't mean that you condone the behavior, but that you accept that the past is the past and cannot be changed... That being said, Maya Angelou says " When a person shows you who they are, believe them" If you don't believe a person when they show you who they are, when you think that it happened once, it was just a mistake, I can change them, you care not accepting and believing who your partner is. You are loving "blindly" because you do not see them, and who they see and perceive themselves to be ( ie a cheater). They will in all likeliehood continue this behavior & there is nothing that can be done to change it, unless the "cheater" recognizes the devestating affects their behavior has on people, and changes themself.

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Absolutely not! I speak from experience. I forgave my cheating ex-husband that moved out and in with the other woman. He came home 5 months later as I said I would forgive and move on for our families sake/my 6 year old. He stayed 6 months and one day I came home from working as a teacher and found all of his stuff gone and a note on the desk. He had gone back to the same woman he cheated on me with the first time. So that being said, absolutely not. Once a cheater always a cheater.

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I have. My husband and I had just lost our son. Two months after, I found out. I was completely heart broken. At first I wanted to just leave, but I realized that I had made a commitment to my husband , my God and my children. We did seek counsel for grief and marriage. We learned that everything we thought we had, had to be torn down and rebuilt as a result of the violation of trust. It took a lot of time to rebuild that trust, but after we started "over", our marriage was built on a much stronger foundation, and marriage. We learned the number one reason for divorce among a couple who have lost a child, is cheating. Once we realized that his cheating had nothing to do with me, but with his own failed attempt at overcoming his grief; we both understood how much we wanted our marriage to work, and how much we loved our family and each other. We were determined to keep going, and I am so glad we did. Trust is a pattern, a repetition. In order to trust again, that partner who violated the trust, has to continually show that you can trust him. It takes time to build trust up, but only takes 1 second to tear it down. You have to decide whether your marriage/relationship is really worth what you thought it is, or if it is better to just walk away. Is it worth fighting for? Ours was, and we did. Our marriage is strong, firm, and built on a solid foundation.

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I AM HAPPY FOR YOU

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I think it takes a lot more thought, self reflection and strength to get passed an affiar. Anyone who calls a person weak for that is COMPLETELY wrong. A relationship can be mended and can become stronger after the fact. This requires both sides to follow through on their own end of the deal. I know several couples who have done such and they 50 years later are still married (and yes, happy). It takes alot more form the victim in the scnerio then people realize to try and work things out, it requires alot of work and thinking passed what might be your first reaction.

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My name is Janet . I found a great spell caster online who helped me to get back my husband who has left me for pass 3 years. we where married for 8years without a child and my friend introduce me to a real spell caster which i never believe it exist but after the meeting of this spell caster my problem where solved and now i am with my husband who left me for pass three years my life and my entire family are now happy now i have three kids with the help of this great spell caster. Thanks Prophet Osula of ayelalashrinegmail.com if you need any spell, you can email him will be in the best position to help you. I wish you good luck and success.

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