Co-ed Slumber Parties: Okay or No Way?

You trust your pre-teen or teenager, but then they ask if they can attend a sleepover that both boys and girls will attend. Do you let them go? If so, what are the rules? If not, what do you tell them?

40  Answers

4 10

As the mom of 3 adult kids (2 girls and a boy) I have learned that you cannot trust a teenager. He or she might be well behaved, good grades in school, never lied to you in their life...but then the opportunity presents itself and BAM...you are the last to know and might never find out. I have learned the hard way that hormones are louder than that little voice of reason and common sense that we try to instill in our kids. There is no way I'd allow a co ed sleepover. It only provides opportunity and one must never allow opportunity for a teen or pre-teen to "make mistakes" that could cost them for the rest of their lives. It is against parental nature to do so.

17
12 69

So true, I too have now adult kids, no you can't trust teenage girls and boys having a slumber party, I never did, girls to girls only, and boys to boys only not opposite sex!

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2 0

I DO trust all of my children...I trust them to know me well enough to know that a co Ed slumber party would be so far out of the realm of possibilities that they wouldn't even ask. Playing with fire would be safer!

10
1 18

They wouldn't ask, but they probably would tell you that they are at their (same-sex) friend's house and go to the co-ed slumber party.

4 406

Not just no, but - &#*$@& NO!!!!

8
8,379 21

Depends on the group of kids. We have a group of families who's kids have all grown up together. We, from day one, have done joint activities, camping, etc. So, this summer, the kids went camping without the adults (the adults who were concerned were close, just not in the camping area)

There were NO problems of the sort suggested in the previous answers. There were no problems at all! As a matter of fact, we were contacted by the BLM and thanked for having such environmentally conscious teens!

I should also point out that, in the US (where I am, and from most of the answers posted, I'd say most of the posters are as well) we are WAY too uptight about some of these things. Coed sleepovers/trips, etc, are quite common in countries like Germany.

7
1 8

I agree with you. My daugter has attended a few co- ed sleepovers in a well supervised house and nothing at all happened and they had a blast!!!! Whats so funny to me is the parents who are so against co-ed sleepovers do not seem to realize that kids who want to have sex will find a place anywhere!!! Not a house with parents in the next room or checking off and on. At least not my child and her friends

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2 32

We no longer let our children go to any kind of sleepover, although they would have never been allowed at a coed sleepover. There are a lot of cases of sexual abuse that happen at sleepovers at the hands of older siblings, unknown neighbors, older siblings friends, etc., etc., it is not worth it to me to risk the precious purity of my child. If someone has a sleepover and they are invited we go and pick them up at their age appropriate curfew or designated pick up time, no exceptions.

7
1 0

honestly, I think it depends on maturity, and if you talked about sex with your child. I mean, let's be honest, we've all broken our parents rules to do one of the things they didn't talk about with us. So talk to your kids instead of banning fun in general.

1 5

I must be the only one on this site who has allowed sleepovers of boys and girls. They were all over 16 and slept in my large living kitchen. Also when my daughter was younger she often had 2 or 3 girl friends to sleep over. I trusted my daughter and her friends, and all has been fine. Also I think that one boy staying over in a separate room could present more problems. Also I think that they all look after one another in a group situation. If their was sexual activity surly that would be an orgy! Also where do you all live. I am in the UK and here there are often large groups of teenagers having sleep overs. Then they start going to festivals which are totally out of parent control. I am 51 and notice that often mother 10 years or so younger than me are far more prudish than some 70 year olds I know

6
8,379 21

Thank you, June! I think I'm probably one of the few parents in the US that understands how overly strict things are here! Of course, my son has spent time in Germany, and we've had German guests in our house (they went on the same camping trip I referred to earlier). The German kids were amazed at how over protective American parents are. I reiterate: If you've raised your kids right, then at some point you have to trust that they will make the correct decisions. I have raised my kids right. The proof is in the pudding, as they say. My kids were raised right, we allowed a coed camping trip with no parental supervision, and they all came home unscathed. And believe me, my kid would have been the one calling out improper behavior. There simply wasn't any. Even the girls whose parents were the most concerned didn't have any problems! No sex, no making out, just a bunch of responsible kids having a good time. Part of the problem here in the US is that most parents are not confident enough in the values that they've instilled in their kids.

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40 30

That is totally inappropriate. You do not let your child go, not because you think they will do something wrong, but because it is inappropriate. Teenagers and older preteens have a harmone thing going on that is unbelievable and left in a situation where they CAN, they probably WILL. You have to teach your children to not purposefully place themselves in a situation that could get them in trouble.

6
14 28

Not a chance. I trust my 16 year old daughter and she is smart enough to know what can happen if she has sex, as we have discussed it many times and she personally knows children with children and what it has done to their lives. However, I would not allow her to be in a position where she could be taken advantage of by teenage boys, whether I know them well or not. Teenagers do not always think clearly and allowing them to spend a whole night together, even with the parents home and in another bedroom, is just asking for trouble. I am very particular who my daughter stays with overnight and it simply does not happen unless I know the parents and their teenage daughter. I don't even think my daughter would want to attend a co-ed sleepover because she would be uncomfortable and worried there might be sexual advances made and peer pressure from those who would use the situation as an opportunity for sex. It's my job as a parent to protect her from potential harm. It would be irresponsible of me to ignore the real possibility that something could happen.

6
2 13

I can't believe that I am even acknowledging this question. But PLEASE, do not even consider doing this. As parent's of teenagers we can explain that mistakes in life are inevitable, but we do not give you permission to make them, and furthermore, we will not enable you to make the wrong choice and change your life in immearsurable ways,

6
236 440

On my DD's very first sleepover when she was only 8 years old, a 9-year-old at the same party who had been abused by her grandfather proceeded to abuse all the guests present and then blame it on my daughter. All the other girls, who had known my daughter several years, said it was the girl, before I was even notified by the hostess about what had happened--she checked out the abuser's story before contacting me! The hostess had invited this little girl and had not told anyone about her past, not dreaming an abused child might turn around and abuse others at the next opportunity. And then blame my daughter, who was one of the kids she abused.

As a result of that, my daughter was not allowed to do ANY sleepovers/slumber parties for years.

As far as co-ed? That's incredibly nuts. Even the "best" teen has hormones! Why put kids in a situation that's bound to blow up? My sis-in-law tried this for her daughter's 13th birthday (my daughter did NOT go), and to say it was a disaster barely begins to describe it. I couldn't believe it when I heard about it, and I'd already been having qualms about letting my daughter stay over at her cousins' house (especially after I found out that on a previous sleepover her daughters were allowed to go several blocks down the street after midnight, after curfew, and my daughter went along) but my husband insisted. Thankfully my daughter had a scheduling conflict and was not at this co-0ed partyparty. After this, he says she's not going over there again. It's an hour away and she would need a ride anyway.

So, no. And I would tell them that while I know they have good intentions, I know from experience how hard it is to resist temptation, and all it takes is one short moment to derail your life. She's seen several older family friends get their lives derailed this way this summer. I think she's listening.

5
4 2

Never! Terrible idea!

5
1 23

Absolutely not!! That is more than asking for trouble!

5
21 16

No. I wasn't born yesterday! ;-)

5
2 21

NO way!!

5
5 83

more so...who would be a responsible parent and allow a co-ed slumber party???

4
8,379 21

Me. Reference answer above.

3 14

Um not in a million years! I think it would be naive to think that sexual acts would not take place. They are teens and full of hormones hello! My kids rarely go to sleep overs! We have my kids friends over all the time then I know what is going on and what they are doing!!

4
8,379 21

Glad to see that you think that Nancy and I are naive, thanks for that blanket statement!

12 69

Hmmmm, No Way!!!!

4
2 10

No no no and no

4
18 49

Not if they are like I was at 16 lol.

4
0 0

I have let my 17 year old attend co-ed sleepovers a few times in the past 2 years. They have been after prom or formal. I knew and trusted the parents involved. I knew the girls and boys were actually sleeping in separate rooms, with 2 parents sleeping in the room between them. I have had no problems. My husband was NOT in favor the first time, even though he knew all the kids and the parents who were hosting. We have had no problems whatsoever. the kids had fun and were well supervised. It helped increase the trust between us and our daughter. When we have said no to other things in the past it was not as big an issue. I KNOW teenagers lie. They all do at one time or another but by checking out the situation and knowing and speaking to the adults involved, we have had good experiences.

3
8,379 21

I agree, Stephanie, it is all a manner of what and how you are teaching your kids! You go, girl, Good job

2 17

I am so glad to see that I am in the majority with this! My 17yr old son and I have been arguing about this for months. He says I am too controlling and do not allow him to make mistakes. Well sorry buddy - I do not think that is even in the realm of sane thinking! thanks moms - whoever condones this is just wayyyy too liberal.

3
236 440

Yes, and the "mistake" in this case could result in another human who would need to be provided and cared for. I've seen two family friends this summer, both girls, who were on scholarship tracks who are now struggling to get GEDs. Forget full ride scholarships; colleges don't give them to people with GEDs. These girls not only screwed up their own lives, but those of their new babies and their parents as well, and in one case that baby's father's life (the other guy ran, the cowardly idiot--it's his baby too. She did not do this to herself by herself!)

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1 14

As a mom of 5 kids and all being boys that I trust BUT when you put kids in that kind of a situation with all that temptation is asking for your child to do something that a child has no business doing. It's natural for teenagers to think things on their own that they don't need our help. I want my boys to stay pure as long as I can. As much as I trust my boys, I wouldn't trust teenage girls and boys together in that situation. No way no how!!!!

3
8 24

No Way, No How! I have a boy who will be a teenager soon and even though he isn't interested in girls... NO! Then I have a 9 year old daughter and.... NO! Plus, I don't know of any parents who would sponsor such a sleepover! Even the church lock in's, I attend and the boys are in one room and the girls are in another!

3
0 0

I have had sleepovers with my best friends, a boy, two girls, and my brother since I was 12 and nothing ever "went on". When I was 12 I had sleepovers with a 10 yr. old boy (my brother), a 11 yr. old girl, a 14 year old boy, and a 13 year old girl. All we did was play video games, watch TV, and listen to music. What I always did was when it was time to got to bed the boys went in one room, and the girls went in my room. Other times we all just slept on the floor in our game room. The craziest things we did was watch horror movies and eat ice cream. It was not "sexual" in the least. I hope that children they will earn privilages in addition to their parents trust and be able to earn fun memories such as I got during my pre-teen era.

2
0 12

I have 2 teens. I allowed a co-ed sleepover when they turned 16 BUT>>>I knew each child that was there and made sure their parents were okay with it. They had gone to a theme park and all were super tired. So instead of having them drive like that they stayed over. I checked on them often to make sure nothing was going on during the night. there were 5 I believe. I knew them all well.

2
37 17

I do not recommend it unless you plan on being there and supervising the whole time.

When I turned 15 my parents threw me a surprise birthday party. I had a sleepover with boys and girls. I wasn't doing anything bad, however, my friends were making out and having sex in my bathroom and in my room. I didn't think nothing of it because I was young and I wasn't doing it lol.

As a parent now, looking back, I don't think it was the right choice, I enjoyed my party. It was epic. But looking at it now from a parent's point of view (mother of 4) I would not allow my children to have co-ed sleepovers or go to them.

You can't fully trust another parent to supervise your child the way you see fit.

2
3 46

reading other peoples answer I'm shocked. american teens must be much more promiscuous than australian teens cause knowing my daughters friends and their parents the way I do I wouldnt hesitate to let her go to a co-ed sleepover. we talk very openly about sex with our daughter and its not an issue. How is any different to a camp?

2
13 0

I don't think that American teens are any more promiscuous than their european counterparts. I think with the comments, it's that the parents commenting are much more protective of their kids-

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2 15

"Hell to the NO!" to quote Glee. (one of our favorite shows)
We are NOT allowing you to go to a Co-Ed slumber party! We trust you to make good choices. But this doesn't mean we will allow you to be in a compromising situation, like a party where you may be faced with things that you are not ready to handle.

2
3 10

I would not have a co-ed slumber party. The age doesn't matter. Boys and girl should never sleep together or in the same room at all!

2
15 18

not happening in my house hold nor would my kids go to one. Im extremely particular whos house they go to any how. I would much rather have company then send them some where. Now I have a 10 and 11 yr old boy / girl. I've had the 11 yr old boys friend over one time and the 10 yr old girls friend over a different time. Needless to say they slept and I didn't. But you sacrifice that for you kids. You can know someone like a book and things still happen. Its just not worth putting a teen or preteen in that situation if you dont have to. However, I do know several parents that do it all the time and things have happened but they are in denial. But as I said, won't be happening at my house.

2
18 0

I am amazed at the responses.....allowing teenagers to sleep together is asking for a disaster. You know, we try to teach our kids to make the right decisions and then give them mixed signals when we permit them to do things that they really arent emotionally ready for. What concerns me is that our kids are looking to us to help them in these teenage years and how wrong it would be for any parent to allow co-ed sleepovers. What message is it giving to our kids???? I have three teenage boys and they will NEVER be allowed to sleep over anyone's house who allows co-ed sleepovers. I will get up in the middle of the night during prom season and personally get my sons home to sleep in their own beds. Sounds corny, but I am hoping that the first girl they sleep with will be their wives!!!!!

1
235 30

Not corny at all Dianne, just right!

0 17

I would NOT let my 14-year-old daughter attend a co-ed sleepover. Don't know if there's any age that I would agree to it.

1
54 24

I would like to share something after reading all these comments.I have a twin brother and our birthday falls on christmas day and when we were teenagers we always had a co sleep overs.We had 5 friends each and we all had a ball.Nothing ever happened.We both went to private schools and all our friends were really great and my mother was strict as girls slept in one area boys the other and my mother never really slept but we knew the rules and if they were broken we understood what would happen...

1
8,379 21

Proof positive. Thank you for sharing.

0 0

Oh Hell NO!!!

1
1 69

Absolutely NOT! Hormones speak louder than reason, and at this age we all know (girl or boy) that the hormones are raging! I would never allow or put my kids in this type of situation. It would also be very upsetting to find that another parent allowed this to happen while my child was at their house having a sleep over!

1
1 18

I agree with Amy. There are a lot of cases of even same-sex experiments because they are "curious". We don't allow past the age of 11. Call it paranoid, I call it "preventing accusations and long term problems".

1
1 0

No way to a co-ed sleepover! "but mom, he's GAY -- like one of the girls!" I happen to know of at least two girls who ended up "trying sex" with a Gay guy. One was 15 and one was 18. The only co-ed sleepovers i have allowed are on church camping trips where boys and girls are separated. Hormones are just raging at this age....

1
3 0

Do I have STUPID written across my forehead? NO and my kids (I have a 30y/o a 29y/o a 16 y/o and a 15y/o) would laugh themselves silly if anyone even suggested they ask me such a thing! Yes I do trust my children but I don't nesscerly trust their hormones or any strange adults that may be in the home. I was molested as a child and i keep my children close, sometimes maybe to close at times but better overprotective than let a pedafile near them! As my older children say -now they understand and the younger ones will when they get older and have kids of their own! Better mad kids that are safe, than letting them have their own way and be in dangers path!

1
8,379 21

Well, I guess you assume that those of us who have done this, and haven't had "problems" ARE stupid??? Gee, thanks so much. You parent yours, I'll parent mine, and we'll agree never to let them meet.

26 6

It would be irresponsible and insane. NEVER EVER EVER!!!

1
8,379 21

Again, assuming that the parents who have carefully thought this out and allowed it are irresponsible and insane is SO adult of you! Thank you, once again, for assuming that all are in the wrong if we aren't like you.

5 10

There would be a lot of things to consider before I would let either of my kids go. I would need to know the parents, the location and who the kids were that are attending. I would need to know the sleeping arrangements and what the parents plan to do during this slumber party. Hormones are racing in the early teen age years and emotions can get carried away quickly.

1

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