Co-ed Slumber Parties: Okay or No Way?
76 Answers
Do you allow your kids to have friends of the opposite sex in their bedroom?
At what age do you think it is okay for kids to start being alone in their room with someone of the opposite sex?
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40 Answers
41 Votes
I think the question should be "at what age is it ok for kids to STOP being alone in their room with someone of the opposite sex
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Christy - commented on Mar 28, 2012
Yes I agree!
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Jessica - commented on Mar 30, 2012
That was my thought exactly!
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Keely - commented on Apr 12, 2012
Why is this issue so complicated for parents? My husband and I simply told my daughters, "No boys in the bedroom, ever." and they said "o.k.". There are plenty of other safe places for friends to hang out.
21 Votes
I have always allowed my children to have friends of the opposite sex in their rooms. They also must have the door open at all times and know that mom will stick her head in at any given time and that the siblings will visit often. When I'm not around no one is allowed in the room, when I'm ready for bed friends are no longer allowed, etc. My kids know what the standards are and that there are consequences for not keeping within them. The also know that if my trust is broken with any monkey business the privileges are over. Eight children and no disappointments from any of them (6 are now grown adults).
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Carrie - commented on Apr 4, 2012
I agree with this too. I was allowed, but it was not guys that I was dating. Mainly, my brothers friends and my brothers.
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Bryce - commented on Apr 9, 2012
i think that if you allow some freedon, they will respect you too. I allow my 11 year old son to have friends over even girls to be in his room but like you had mentioned i always stick my head in his room like every 15 minutes to make sure that they are behaving and not doing anything wrong. But usually when my sons girl friends are here, their brothers are also around since my son is friends with them too.
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Kathy - commented on Apr 15, 2012
I feel the same way. We do the same thing with our daughter. We don't have a separate room for them to hang on and at least they are here and I can vouch for what is going on, she is not seeking off somewhere doing things behind my back. We have a very open communication policy about this topic.
18 Votes
We as humans are curious....so why would I allow my children to have the opposite gender in their bedrooms? ...if my childen can not visit their friend in the view of an adult then I guess they will not have company over....
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Lorraine - commented on Apr 5, 2012
I feel sorry for your kids, you have already put in their minds you have no trust in them...
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Loretta - commented on Apr 11, 2012
There are times when doing what is best takes priority over anything else. I certainly don't think that is telling your child you don't trust them. I talk to my children explain my reasoning, and tell them I am protecting them. My kids do not feel I don't trust them. When we became parents we signed up to do the HARD work. My kids will often say " oh it's a mom thing, I get it".
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Dawn - commented on Apr 11, 2012
It is not telling them you do not trust them. When they originally go in the room they might not be thinking of it. Why enable the possibility of being an early grandparent because kids are curious at this age. My daughters can have boys over. They stay in the living room. None of the kids have a problem with it.
14 Votes
We just finished a study on this for our youth group. As I read and did research I found that one of the leading risk factors for your teen becoming sexually active at a young age is having emotional relationships when they are very young. I think, as parents, we do have to be proactive in all we do. We have to consider the consequences and ask ourselves, if I say yes to this, what comes next?
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Karen - commented on Apr 11, 2012
Very well said! Think about consequences
12 Votes
For my girls, Yes. I have a freshman and a junior and they are both allowed. Door can be closed. We've had good talks about relationships, the emotional and physical aspects, and they have been raised with good morals and respect for us, their parents, and THEMSELVES. They want careers, marriage and families, and in that order. They know it only takes one time and no birth control is 100%. They both feel they are not ready for that step in a relationship as well. And, they communicate with their boyfriends who also feel that they are too young for a sexual relationship and don't want to jeopardize their futures either. They also know that when they are ready for that step, that they can come to us and we will let them go on the pill. Because whether you think they are ready or not, they, and they alone make that decision. And in your house, in their bedroom or in a car or some other place, when it happens is based on the foundation of respect, trust and maturity they posses. If you don't feel you can trust that they have those attributes, then by all means, keep the door open or don't let them alone. The answer that is right for us is not necessarily right for you.
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Linda - commented on Apr 11, 2012
And to answer the exact question about "what age," there is no magical number. It's a level of maturity that is different for each individual. In our case, one started dating just one person at the age of 14 and the other at 15 and so I would answer 14 to 15.
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Karen - commented on Apr 13, 2012
to me your ideas seem like good sense, exactly how I feel but I also agree that everyone and every family is different xxx
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Marla - commented on Jul 4, 2012
Well, I had the same situation....a kid with great morals, totally respected me and his Dad, Respected himself. Great student....huge career goals, etc. Can his GF go to his room? sure, why not. They wouldn't do anything that they weren't supposed to be doing anyway and they are not ready for that step in their relationship, I asked. DING DING DING....I am now 44 years old and have a 4 year old granddaughter. My son and his girlfriend are now 21. You do the math. This sweet child was born during the 1st half of their senior year of high school. They are both following their dreams~going to school and working to get their degrees. It would be a lot easier if they hadn't done what the shouldn't have been doing behind closed doors.
12 Votes
My house, my rules. No way should a teen be permitted to have the opposite gender in a closed door room with them. That would be just bad parenting by allowing that. It does not mean that there is no trust. There are rules and guidlines in life and that is what you should be teaching your child. They need that more than just allowing them to make decisions completely on their own.
11 Votes
Never necessary to entertain opposite gender friends in a bedroom...that is a family room recipe/activity boundary...not a bedroom. Do not even start that practice and you will not have to rescind that privilege. Also...NEVER behind CLOSED doors. Boundaries keep everyone safe from even the simplest appearance of possible inappropriate accusations. Girls rooms are for girls and boys rooms are for boys.
11 Votes
I wouldn't want to encourage adult behavior. He has the rest of his life to be an adult. So no private visits in the bedroom.
10 Votes
Okay... here's my take...When kids are little they are allowed to play equally with other kids, be they girls or boys. They all play in each other space and we the parents have no worries. As they get older we start treating them differently. They notice this and through our behaviour they very quickly start noticing their differences. My mom raised six of us...we were allowed our friends of both genders for visits and sleepovers...all of us together. Her words were "I do not need to trust anyone else but you" and with that she won our respect. So if you raise your child with all the right values and morals in place, I don't think that you have anything to worry about once you have honestly told them that you trust them...Constant communication!
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Kyrie - commented on Nov 26, 2012
Excellent!
10 Votes
when they are married...
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Julie - commented on Apr 5, 2012
good luck with that...
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Amy - commented on Apr 12, 2012
If you raise them with values, it isn't that hard
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Shawnn - commented on Jul 6, 2012
Yep, Amy, and if you raise them right, males/females in a room together won't even make you break a sweat, because they won't be doing anything, anyway.
8 Votes
God this is a hard one!
We are just starting as our son is 16 with a girlfriend. We allow them in his room and the girlfriend stays over but they sleep in separate rooms. We trust them and would like them to feel comfortable and loved. I worry that if we push them to hard they will rebel and do something too soon out of rebellion rather that love between them.
I think, if you bring them up with the right values and not be too hard on them they will make the right choices for them. We were all that age and I remember a strict Dad and rebelling to spite him. We also have a 9 year old and having a hard time as he thinks the same rules apply to him.That's not going to happen, lol !!
Parenting isn't easy and we have to go with our insticts half time. Good luck with this one xxxx
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Karen - commented on Apr 13, 2012
I am in exactly the same position as you and seem to be acting in the same way as you, reassuring to know I'm not alone xxx It's a real tough one!!!
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Marla - commented on Jul 4, 2012
Well, I had the same situation....a kid with great morals, totally respected me and his Dad, Respected himself. Great student....huge career goals, etc. Can his GF go to his room? sure, why not. They wouldn't do anything that they weren't supposed to be doing anyway and they are not ready for that step in their relationship, I asked. DING DING DING....I am now 44 years old and have a 4 year old granddaughter. My son and his girlfriend are now 21. You do the math. This sweet child was born during the 1st half of their senior year of high school. They are both following their dreams~going to school and working to get their degrees. It would be a lot easier if they hadn't done what the shouldn't have been doing behind closed doors.
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Sandy - commented on Jul 5, 2012
Amen, Maria! All this talk about "trusting your teens" ignores the much bigger issue. Current research shows that their brains (particularly, their frontal lobe, which is responsible for reasoning) are not fully developed. Teens tend to use the "gut"or "instinct" part of their brain to make crucial decisions, which is why they tend to have notoriously bad judgement. That said, even the best son or daughter may find themselves in a situation where judgement is taken over by emotions and feelings. It is one thing to say that you will not have sex until you're married in a conversation with your parents, but a very different thing to keep that in mind in the heat of the moment! So why give them the opportunity to have a "heat of the moment?" I don't see a problem with keeping the door open with random "visits" from siblings/parents. I don't think that you're telling your teen that you don't trust them. It's more protecting them against a situation that they may not be ready for. JMO
7 Votes
I have 3 teens, well the oldest is soon to be 19 and here by us they are considered adults from age of 18 ... Anyhow, they have all many friends of the opposite sex, and they have always been allowed to have them on visit and behind close doors if they wish. We dont have a extra room for them to sit and sosialice in so the bedroom is the choice if they shall be able to listen to their music, playing their computers and doing their things. Dont see any reason to have different rules if its a friend of same sex or opposite that is visiting.
I do believe that when you child feels ready for sexual relationship they will find a way to make it happen what ever your rules is. You just have to trust that you have been able to give them the right values and respect for themself and others.
I really dont think the European teens are a lot more sexual active than the americans, they are just a lot more open about it.
But of course if it make you feel you have to control that part of your teens life and dont trust them to take care of them self... Its your choice
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Colleen - commented on Apr 12, 2012
Very well said!
5 Votes
I have 3 teenage sons 18, 16, 15 and we have a rule that the door is to remain open/ajar, anyone can (and we do) walk in at any time. I am a stickler for checking first with girls parents what their rules are. If they stay overnight it has to be with girls parents permission regardless of where they sleep or how many are staying over. Don't be afraid to talk with the friends parents (girl or boy). So far we haven't had any problems. I think parents need to remember that the bedroom is not the only place to have sex. You have your head in the sand if you think it is. Remember the bike sheds, cars, movies the list goes on. Be open and not judmental, keep the line of communication open as closing it just buries the issue.
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Samantha - commented on Apr 12, 2012
I agree. The bedroom used to be the place they played with there friends until they were 10 or 11years old. Then we, the parents declare it a danger zone/ off limits. From playroom to Hazardous zone in an instant
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Shawnn - commented on Apr 12, 2012
I'd like to add "back of the bus" to that list of places...LOL...while in motion! We just had to suspend 2 students because they were having "relations"...LOL...in the back seat of the bus! Myself, wouldn't have even crossed my MIND at that age! Good grief! But, the point is, they'll do it wherever,and whenever they can. I'd rather have 'em hanging out at my house, where I can pop into their rooms randomly.
5 Votes
well my daughter knows that when she is a grown adult and moves out then she can be in her room with someone of the opposite sex .....NO IF ANDS OR BUTS ABOUT IT. That is the way I was raised and I didn't have my daughter til I was 31 yrs old .....
5 Votes
When they have their own place ..
4 Votes
IF we educate our kids about SEX and where and how babies are made, and how NOT to make them ( IE birthcontrol) then why not have friends in the room, if your are so worried take the door off the kids room! teach them some responsibility and maybe the adults a little trust, and us Americans are SOOO squimish about sex anyways, get over it people!!!
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Julie - commented on Jul 5, 2012
Totally agree! The whole, "never" attitude is so ignorant. Do any of you remember being a teen? If you were not allowed to socially interact with the opposite sex at your house, you were doing it SOMEWHERE else. I'd rather have my kids learning under my roof for safety and education and good communication purposes.
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Julie - commented on Jul 6, 2012
Here-here! You know they will be going else where if you are a "never here" parent...
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Shawnn - commented on Jul 6, 2012
Nail on the head, Adrienne. The Americans that I know are awfully squeamish about sex, sexuality, and the beauty of the human body (And, I'm an American, so I have seen a lot of this). I've had great success at being honest with my kids. It works wonders, they are more respectful than if I'd made up things, or simply disallowed things that weren't in my "comfort" zone...And another parent commenting on my answer had the nerve to tell me that I don't have a clue about my kids, and they're always lying to me...Not in so many words, but seriously! Even my kids were upset with that comment
4 Votes
When they are married.
4 Votes
I think it's all right at any age as long as there's an adult there that can poke their head in at any given time. I allow my son to have the opposite sex in his room but I was here and the door was open. I don't have to see to know what my child is doing.
3 Votes
It is prudent and proper to allow friends of either gender to come over, interact and socialize. It is also prudent that there be a rule from the get go that "bedrooms are for sleeping" (or for brothers to be playing lego, or girls to play dolls at a young age.) When they are older, it is better all around for teens (and almost-teens) to be encouraged to hang out in the rest of the home with other family members, not to be holed up in their room alone for long periods of time. Another reason to have the family computer in the kitchen/common area. Young people learn healthy relationships by being around healthy relationships!
3 Votes
when they can pay for their own place. what type of parent would let their child have a friend of the opposite sex over anyway. Parents need to be PROACTIVE in their childs life, then maybe there wouldn't be so many teen preg.
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Shawnn - commented on Mar 30, 2012
Possibly, the kind of parent who HAS been proactive. Proactive in discussing teen sex, pregnancy, and consequences! I've always allowed it, and I still have a 17 YO virgin, AND the young lady that visits is also still a virgin. So, apparently there are different levels of proactive. And, just out of curiosity, what kind of parent would NOT have already covered this subject with their teens?
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Julie - commented on Apr 4, 2012
Really? Are you that sexist? My 7 & 10 boys best friend is a female! Are you suggesting she not be allowed in my home anymore, because she is suddenly a teen of the opposite sex? Weird. What if your child preferred the same sex? Sure, you don't have to worry about "teen pregnancy" if that's ALL your concerned about. But being Proactive is "acting in advance" to prepare them for the future. If they never learn how to handle themselves in a "controlled environment" IE: your home. How do you expect them to handle themselves when they "get there own place?" Bubbles POP my friend, bubbles POP and make a BIG MESS!
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Shawnn - commented on Apr 5, 2012
Well stated, Julie!
2 Votes
I have a 17 year old and 19 year old, both boys. The rule in the house is "Door Stays Open." However, I have noticed that they tend to stay in the lounge or family room when girls visit them. Things have got a little trickier now that my eldest boy has a girlfriend, big difference between friends of the opposite sex and girlfriends!! But I must say he is the perfect gentleman, whenever they have retreated to the bedroom, his door has been WIDE open and of course mum makes the odd visit to the room to see if they want coffee etc. ;-) But he knows the rules of the house and I know this is not going to make him an angel as hanky panky can be done anywhere and in a matter of minutes. But I have brought him up to respect woman and himself and hopeful this has made an impression on him, it seems too have so far. As for my other son, well who knows, I just hope he follows in the same steps as his big brother. At the end of the day, I dont want to spoil my kids fun, but I do demand respect under my own roof and most certainly do not want to be a granny!!
2 Votes
never .i myself would never have invited boys to my bedroom.i had respect.i think when they leave home and get there own place do as they please.but not under my roof if they want to come sit down stairswith me thats fine but upstairs is out of bounds haha .
2 Votes
Yes.... Rule is open door at all times.... but my 13 year old daughter rarely invites boys to her room, they stay in the media or game room...
My son who is 21, when living at home won't ever invite girls into his sticky messy room LOL...
Guess I just have been blessed :)
2 Votes
With the door open, and explicit rules on what is and isn't allowed, I'd say teens. This depends on the layout of the house and how often they would be looked in on to uphold those rules. Talking or playing computer or board games isn't a problem to me, and in a small house or apartment that may be the only place to go. It is dependent on how involved the parent is going to be when the friend is over, so if your busy doing something, probably not a bad idea to keep them out of the bedroom
.
2 Votes
Um..let me think...NOT!
2 Votes
At any age. As long as my son's door is open, I'm fine with it. He knows that I randomly pop in to see what they're doing anyway. And, we had every talk in the book from a very young age, so he knows what the consequences can be. I might add that both he and the young lady that visits are still both virgins at 17.
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Karen - commented on Apr 11, 2012
I know we all want to believe our kids, but don't make prideful comments like my kids don't drink, my kids don't text and drive...or my kid is a virgin. Just because they have never been caught, pregnant or have an STD doesn't mean they are virgins. Please don't be too naive, it will only harm your children in the end!
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Shawnn - commented on Apr 11, 2012
Well, Karen, thanks for letting me know that you hang out in my son's bedroom so YOU know exactly what goes on in there. Sorry, but NO. I can honestly say that my son will NOT have a sexual relationship prior to marriage. He's had a very good example in his father and having to deal with not only the ex-b..I mean wife, but also seen the consequences of premarital sex, and the expense that it causes when paternity tests and attorneys are involved. That was enough for both of my boys to voluntarily make up an abstinence contract. And I never said my son doesn't drink, as we all enjoy a good glass of wine or ale with dinner at times. I'm SO glad, though that you think that I am incapable of making a parenting decision. BTW..."alone" time in my house only happens in the bathroom, and THAT'S not big enough for 2 people, let alone any hanky panky...trust me...my hubby and I have tried. Just because you perhaps know of a kid that has lied to their parents doesn't mean that mine are. I'm too involved in every single aspect of their lives.
2 Votes
I just started making my 13 year old keep his door open unless he is alone.
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Julie - commented on Jul 5, 2012
I will do the same, probably around that age. My boys are 7&10
1 Vote
I am a divorced 38 year old mother of 3 living with my parents due to my financial situation. I thought about this question in applying it to my daughters, then I thought, what about me? I'm an adult, do I feel I should be able to bring a male friend over and hang out in my room? I would feel very strange indeed if I brought a male over to the house and took him to my bedroom. Never mind the example it would set for my 2 girls and young boy. Never mind it would be rude to my parents and the rest of my family to exclude them from socializing with my friend. Your bedroom is your sanctuary. It is your place of rest and peace. And privacy. To bring the opposite sex into your room is a very intimate act. Sometimes a girlfriend will come over and we go to my room and its not even a thought. But it would be very different if I were to do the same with a man. I think perhaps some of us should ask ourselves how we would act as an adult in the same situation.
I have created a patio space for my kids' friends to come over and hang out and be themselves. I look at this practice as setting the standard for their behaviors into adulthood. I can see them, but they have their own space. On occasion their friends even engage me in conversation, but I try not to be obtrusive. I get that kids don't want to be monitored, I trust my children, but it is my job to protect them for as long as they let me, and this is part of the deal as a parent.
1 Vote
I hope the children involved are not as narrow minded and judgemental as some of the parents commenting! Godd luck everyone with your teens and remember every teen and family are different. Being a parent is tough xxx
1 Vote
I have an 11 yr old daughter and she has not had boys over as of yet because she is too young. But just like when I was her age she will not have boys in her room period and have already informed her of this. She will have to practice self-control because even if I believed in her taking birth control at any certain age it doesn't always work and teens are careless. I have seen too many 16 yr olds getting pregnant like it's nothing and it makes me upset that their parents don't care either.
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Samantha - commented on Apr 12, 2012
Boys/men are a natural part of our world as girls/women. Restraint is not something you can practice at home if there are no boys about...so I guess they have to practice it out there where you and I can't see them...Again trust and letting them know it!
1 Vote
my son is 14 and I have a problem with female friends and him in his room but they are allowed to hang out in the den and I don't think that its a good idea to have female friend when my husband or i are not home
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Bryce - commented on Apr 9, 2012
I do not allow my son to have anyone over if my husband and I are not home, especially girls. He is to stay in and do whatever, but no visitors are allowed over.
1 Vote
12
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Rayleen - commented on Apr 12, 2012
I disagree with this age. At even 10 kids are curious and will "explore". I let my then 14yr old have a boy over and with the door open.. they gained my trust and I later found out that they were able to do the same thing at the boys house except with the door closed.. that is when I found out they were sexually active. She was raised in a christian home with other children and I fully trusted what I had taught her. He pressured her and she caved in! I think it is ok for the opposite sex to visit but not in the bedroom where things can happen when you aren't looking , even with the door open! I still have a 14 yr old at home now and boys are not allowed in her room. I can not take the chance again.
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Shawnn - commented on Apr 12, 2012
Rayleen, I'm sorry you had that experience. However, your experience is not everyone's, and I believe that I have given my kids the tools to not cave, nor to pressure others into doing something. And, they've proven themselves well.
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Keely - commented on Apr 12, 2012
Why take the chance? Let them hang out in another, safer area.
0 Votes
yes.
0 Votes
This is a really heterosexist question. Is the child attracted to members of the opposite sex? Is the child attracted to this particular person who s/he is alone in the room with? I think it's really problematic to assume that children are going to be doing sexual things just because there's someone of the opposite sex around (and that they won't possibly be with a member of the same sex). Besides, it's perfectly normal for straight kids to explore things with a member of the same sex. I think rather than sending the message that you can't be trusted with a member of the opposite sex, but you are free to do whatever you want with members of the same sex, it's more important to actually talk about what you do and don't want your child doing.
0 Votes
My daughter is 15 going on 16. She has had boys in her room. They are friends, nothing romantic. I am in the house while she is in the room with them just to keep it safe. I trust her in this respect. I know that she won't violate that trust because she wants to have her friends in her room. So far, I haven't had a problem with her about this.
0 Votes
yes i kiss boys occasionally in my bed room
0 Votes
yes but as thay got older we talked about sex and babies etc, that goes a long way into what your kids may or maynot do.. comuncicate with them.. remmber when you were a child.. or young adult .. think of that ..
0 Votes
first thing is no kids are not allowed in my home without a parent permission.
second thing, when kids are in my home without their parents, there is an adult watching them at all times.third thing is the bed room is off limit,when it comes to kids.So it is established from the start kids are watched by an adult the time they enter my home until, they leave my home
0 Votes
NEVER!!!
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