How do you deal with back-talk from your child?

Back talk can be one of the most frustrating behaviors for moms. What are your solutions for dealing with sass and backt-talk from your child?

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12 Answers

23 Votes

By Lynn Davis

- Posted on Aug 29, 2012

I grew up in the 60's and 70's. I didn't mimic my parents and they yelled a lot - they had four kids... I also didn't back talk for a very simple reason...real true consequences and a healthy fear. Your children are not your friends - it's all about teaching your kids boundaries. They will be better adults for it.

Tracy - commented on Aug 29, 2012

no one should ever have to fear their parents
Barb - commented on Aug 29, 2012

I think the term "healthy fear" does not mean "fear" per se, but respect. There is a difference! Children should never "cringe in fear" of their parents. I grew up in the 50s and 60s and I agree with Lynn -- we understood that our parents were the authority figures and we were to obey them and respect them as such. If we didn't, we knew and understood that there would be consequences -- mostly very unpleasant ones! Abuse (physical and verbal) is one thing (and should definitely be illegal) but discipline (administered by loving, caring parents and not administered in anger) is still necessary. Sitting down and discussing a situation with children old enough to understand and communicate is good but younger children (pre-school aged, not babies) may not be able to understand or communicate effectively so the only option may very well be a very mild "thump" on the butt or a slap on the hand. Neither of these methods will give any lasting 'damage' but will get the child's attention and help him or her to understand that certain behaviors are not acceptable.
Amanda - commented on Aug 29, 2012

I agree with barb. As was such web I was growing up, I didnt back talk much, & if I did I was aware of the consequences. Raising children shouldn't be a democracy, you have the authority...not them.
Lynn - commented on Aug 30, 2012

"healthy" is the operative word there. I feared consequences, which they administered with consistency. It's really almost common sense. My mother and I (and my dad) are and were very close and have a respectful relationship today still. (Well, my mother has passed, but we did before).
Jenn - commented on Aug 30, 2012

I agree. Discipline is sometimes necessary and I am not above giving a swat on the butt when I am just not getting thru. I have experienced some...not so nice "discipline" when I was younger and there is absolutely a difference. Aside from that, I knew certain behavior had certain consequences. I am very close to my father and still do not disrespect him, and I will not tolerate my children to either.

21 Votes

By angelina osindero

- Posted on Aug 16, 2012

Backtalk comes from a sense of frustration in children.The best way to deal with such behavior is to listen to your child and always have a calm approach in dealing with them.Always keep the dialogue open talking in a lower voice.If you model screaming and shouting that is what you will get in return.Remember you are the parent and you are the authority in your house, you can set limits.As parents we need to treat our children in a friendly way.

Tennille - commented on Aug 16, 2012

I agree Angelina! I have seen parents yell and snap at their children then get angry and discipline them for answering in the same manner! I mean really, YOU are the role model for these children so don't get mad when they mimic your behavior! treat your children with respect and they will return the favor " most of the time" lets face it kids will be kids and will test you constantly. The main thing to remember is lead by example they will be watching and repeating!
Sally - commented on Aug 29, 2012

I love this answer. Angelina, you have it together! You are the parent. God Bless you. I also think that the social and emotional journey for children today needs a map! You are their maps. You can be the way that they understand the world. Understanding our own needs and wants is the most important way to understand the needs and wants of others.
Angelina - commented on Aug 30, 2012

Thank you Sallly and Tennille .God bless you both .Communication is the key in dealing with such behaviours.Listening to our children ,let them have the opportunity to speak and respecting their opinons and dealing with the issuse in an amicable way.Rember as parents we are the parent and we should always be in control and setting good standards always .x

10 Votes

By melissa anderson

- Posted on Aug 15, 2012

I usually talk to my daugher about her behavior - I say things to let her know that I dont appreciate the rude comments and back talk. Then we write sentences about the behavior(boy does she hate that - but her handwriting has improved immensly) I often remind her that there are going to be many times when she does not like what i have to say but that I am the final authority on the matter and not her.

9 Votes

By abigail tanner

- Posted on Aug 29, 2012

When my 9 year old back talks me he gets the game taken away and priveleges taken away. I have rules that i put up for him that he has to follow or he loses things that he likes. I love my son with all me heart but as a parent you can not let your child run all over you if you do then they will when they get older.

5 Votes

By Amanda Gonzales

- Posted on Aug 29, 2012

Growing up when I back talked it was called ARGUING & I got my ass spanked. In my house, back talking is still called arguing. I'm not going to teach my children that if they are smooth talkers thy can get away with something, or change a limit, boundary, or whatever situaion they are in.

4 Votes

By Lulu Mlongoti

- Posted on Aug 29, 2012

I find that children today often piggy back on the fact that their parents have no authority over them due to certain government legislation. However, I do think it is so very important to skill our children with basic manners and respect from a very tender age. Trying to tame them from age 5 onwards is useless considering the fast pace at which our children are growing today. Teaching them that their are consequences to certain behaviours is key as well as following through with what you say as the parent and not their FRIEND.

Elizabeth - commented on Aug 30, 2012

I'm curious, what legislation? In what situation with what age?
Emily - commented on Sep 11, 2012

i think that the legislation she's talking about has to do with corporal punishment...parents these days (myself included) have had to figure out different ways to discipline than what their own parents used bc of the increasing issue related to child ABUSE, even spanking your child can get you in trouble with the law.

4 Votes

By Tiffany Amber Stockton

- Posted on Aug 29, 2012

Back-talk and sass is a direct outward result of the inner struggle to be heard. Children often get frustrated when they aren't understood or they feel no one is really listening to them. And sometimes, it's nothing more than pushing their boundaries. But if you as the parent respond in the same manner, with the same aggression, anger, or hostility, you are not being a good example.

When my daughter gives me a sassy mouth, I take a deep breath and respond with, "Do I talk mean to you?" or "I don't like your tone, missy, and I will not talk with you when you're behaving that way." That usually works. When it doesn't, and if she persists, she gets a time out or is immediately put in her room until she can get her attitude adjusted.

I always explain to her why she's getting a time out, or why I refuse to converse with her. And I also tell her when she's ready to speak to me in a calm tone, I will be more than happy to listen.

Do I always respond this way? No. I'm human. But if I blow it, I apologize and tell her I did the wrong thing by yelling. Consistency is hard, but it's the key, and we have to model the behavior we want our children to emulate. We lead by example, not by the "do as I say, not as I do" mentality. That never works.

3 Votes

By Rebecca Fletcher

- Posted on Aug 16, 2012

If the words used make you get that bad feeling inside, that they are hurtful, call it that. It makes me also realize that they think they are not being heard, so I need to listen. I say back "Dont' talk mean to me." Then I give them my full attention for a few moments, so that we can discuss what the problem is, and re-phrase the conversation. With all the bullying instruction the kids get now adays, I think these simple words hit them, and make them realize what they have said, is words like a bully would say, MEAN things. Then we can re-evaluate what the child is really trying to get through to me.

1 Vote

By Durriya Mustafa

- Posted on Sep 1, 2012

Children only tend to back talk when they know it is going to be accepted by the parent. If the ground rules are laid and followed with consistency there is no room for back talk.

0 Votes

By pat capstick

- Posted on Sep 11, 2012

I do not have any tips on dealing with balk-talk as, My Daughter, is a one child one parent and her 10 yr old daughter is always back chatting her mother, and my daughter has tried every suggestions that i have given her to try but to no avail, we would appreciate any advice please

0 Votes

By Mary Douglas

- Posted on Sep 7, 2012

As a mom of 5 and now grandmother of 3, I always treated my children as people. They naturally go through stages where they get mouthy (not all but most) I just remind them who is the parent. Respect cannot be demanded, it must be earned. Take the time to listen to your child(ren) look at them, sit down with them. Backtalk and unruly behavior is many times a cry for help or to be noticed.....Grandma Mary

0 Votes

By cj snyder

- Posted on Aug 30, 2012

Boy howdy is it ever true that they model. We are raising our great grandson and since his Uncle is part of our evening household *takes dinner/TV with us) we have noticed a MARKED difference in the 3 yo in the evening hours. At first I attributed it to sundowner's syndrome, as we all become a bit more of something or other as evening approaches; but of late I hear even the same TONE and cadence to the toddler's languaging. Since I cannot change the dynamic of the grouping, or appeal to the *adult* who is being modelled *is that one l or two?* ~ any suggestions?

Lori - commented on Aug 31, 2012

Your house- Your RULES! If you dont get whole of that at a young age, it only gets worse!
Delana (Dana) - commented on Aug 31, 2012

You can only be a good example for them and if appropriate tell child u r trying to help him learn because someone did not teach the uncle.and so know it's hard for him to make good choices.