How do you deal with fighting children?

How do you react when siblings or friends are fighting with one another?

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38  Answers

60 13

My Mom did not allow fighting of any kind. My brothers and I had to sit down and talk about how we felt and what we wanted and why we felt that way. We usually ended up laughing while playing a board game.

I raised my children the same way. They did not fight either. They learned very young how to control their tempers and how to dissagree without being disagreable. These are things that are taught - they do not come naturally. If you want a well balanced child, teach him to be even tempered. It is possible. He/she can learn productive ways to use or temper their anger but you have to start when they are young to get the best results.

You don't yell and they won't . Even with adults, if people are yealing, I walk us and start moving my mouth without saying anything and everyone will get quiet to try to hear me. If my children got loud, I would whisper and they would start whispering.

Until they are 5, kids will mimmic their parents. I never saw my parents argue and our kids never heard us argue. We discussed things out of their hearing. Kids need to be protected from violance and family problems because they do what they hear & see.

"Train a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not depart from it."

31
0 1

This is great advise. I wish I would have tried the whisper thing. Although it's too late for my kid's, I will share this with them when they have children of their own. (I guess it's not too late. I'm going to try it next time either of them looses their temper. They are 16 and 22.)

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32 3

I have three kids and the middle one has some behavioural and learning difficulties so my daughter and him are often arguing. She's 11 he's 9. If its just a little normal sibling bickering I try not to intervene too much as it will sort itself out better. If they are arguing over a game I will remind them that the game gets put away if they can't work it out. Sometimes putting them both on a time out and neither one is allowed to get off until they can both talk in decent tones works wonders.

And by accident I stubbled across something that ends bickering instantaniously while driving. (Humorous but true) -- I got fed up with them bickering and a Journey song happened to be on the radio so I started singing really, really loud. They yelled at me to stop singing , I said," I'll stop when you guys stop bickering". It worked!! and now when they start I just have to say, "I'll start singing" Apparently I"m not a good singer :-)

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12 9

Kid's argue. It's a fact and it is perfectly normal (sorry Debz)......... Adults argue, Animals argue. We all have our opinions but as adults are able to put our points across in a mature way. Children haven't learnt to do that. They see thier opinion as being right. I think the only time we need to step in is if it starts to get physical. That is not acceptable. Other than that let them get on with it, They soon get bored. My two boys used to argue all the time. There is 5 years between them. Believe me they will grown out of it and although it seems a long way off it will happen. My two are 22 and 17 now and get on like a house on fire. They would lay down thier lives for one another. Childhood goes by so quickly, what I wouldn't give now to have a few of those moments back. I bet you think I'm nuts to say something like that, but it's true. Make the most of their childish ways , yes even the arguments because before you can say "spit spot" they're all grown up and don't need you anymore (APART FROM YOUR CASH!!!!!!!!!!!!)

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0 26

Put as many doors between them and you and grab a glass of WINE.

7
45 0

Next time your kids bicker, try the following:

Teach your children to talk it out -nicely. This means no name calling, accusations or whining.
Tell your kids to listen to each other. This is also an important life skill - learning to listen and respond to other people’s opinions.
Let them work it out. It’s important for children to learn how to resolve their differences - you shouldn’t swoop in to mediate every dispute.
Separate them, as necessary. Sometimes your kids are going to be so upset with each other that they’ll need time apart to calm down. Put them in separate rooms and encourage them to play by themselves for a little while.
Praise positive behavior. If you recognize your kids for being kind to each other, you’ll encourage them to demonstrate this behavior more often.
Spend quality time alone with each child. Let them pick a special activity and enjoy your one-on-one time with them. Listen to what they’re saying and reinforce how important they are to you.

7
0 24

I have 2 children 3.5 years apart. My daughter is the oldest. When they were around 13 and 9 I couldn't get them to stop fighting and tearing up the house so I decided to get a neutral person involved. I took them to counseling. I was kind of skepticle at first but it changed everything. My children started to appreciate one another for their differences instead of fighting to be right. I owe everything to Dr. Ron. He mad my kids see the light!!!

5
0 6

absolutely! I love it when parent(s) see they need outside intervention. Nothing wrong with professional guidance.

0 0

I have three boys all grown and I really can't remember them fighting too much but they tell me wild stories of what they used to do to each other. Especially the oldest being 6 and 10 years older respectfully. He would put them in their room and tie the door shut or something like that. I don't think that they hurt each other. I used to send them to there rooms or a time out or I would take a time out if I was too angry. It's funny now that I have grandchildren and what used to be a big deal to me isn't anymore! Hum how we change our ways (or get smarter) with the grandkids! As long as they do not hurt each other I let them settle their own disputes or we put whatever they are playing up and will continue when they get along! It usually works pretty quickly. There are so many ways to discipline your children you just have to find a way that works for you! Good luck to all!!

5
1 20

I usually try to find out the root of what the argument is about....then let them come up with creative ways to come to an agreement.
Some arguments are healthy....so pick your battles.....

5
5 2

Listen to each and try to understand the unmet need that is provoking their behavior. Communicate that you care equally about each one's concerns and feelings. Teach them to name their feelings and ask for what they want in a way that increases the likelihood that they will receive it. Once each child has clearly expressed what he or she needs, negotiate with them a way to meet both of their needs. Takes time and patience and the ability not to get hooked into the argument, but teaches valuable life- long skills. See www.nonviolentcommunication.com or www.biblicalparenting.com for more details and resources.

4 1

if I am driving in the car and the fighting won't stop, I will pull over the car get out, close the door behind me and walk over to the nearest fence, post or whatever, lean on it and wait. If I am close enough to home I will make us all walk the remaining journey. It works very well and now when they argue which rarely happens I will simply say," do I need to pull over so you can work this out?" and very quickly the heat will die down and stop shortly after.The best part for me when I am on the side of the road waiting is fresh air, peace and enjoy admiring other peoples gardens.

4
0 24

im a mother of 4 girl 15 and 3 boys 14, 7,4 when they start fighting i make them clean the windows and doors, (all my doors have glass in them), one each side, as they are cleaning they try to wipe each others face out and end up laughing and forget what they were fighting for, and i end up with very clean windows and doors.

2
0 0

These are some things we've tried: go to bed early, video/computer & DS games taken away, pull a certain amount of weeds in the flower bed, sit seperately for a while or sometimes I try reverse phsycology & tell them to just keep right on fighting, cheering them on. :) That does the trick a lot! Other times I make them stand & hug each other for a while. Most of the time what they were fighting about was not that important. But, I believe, one of the main things needed is praise! When you catch them playing nice, praise them for it. How would you or I like being treated if we were the kids? I'm preaching to myself.....believe me! I sure don't have it all together! I need to pray for the wisdom of Solomon every day!

2
0 0

After a gruelling school holiday period with my boys constantly fighting and running to tell me what their brother had done and getting me involved, I came across an article in a parenting magazine. The penny dropped and I so wish I'd read it earlier. When they come running to you, hear that child out. Give them all the sympathy even if you know that they probably instigated the problem or certainly contributed to it. Validate Their feelings. The other child may come to you afterwards. Give that child the same validation. It seems to nullify the hot tempers and makes them feel heard and loved and in turn I feel good that I haven't had to referee and I get my loving children back again.

2
0 0

I used to try to stop them from fighting, ask each of them to separately tell me "their side" and then tried to help them come up with an amicable solution, but you never hear the full, objective truth that way so your solution may not actually be the "right" one, and even if it is, it's often hard to get them both to accept it. A couple years ago, I came up with a much better strategy. The rule is: "no fighting on the same floor where the parents are because we don't want to hear it." When they fight, we send them upstairs (or downstairs if we are in our bedroom). When we lived in an apartment with only one floor, the rule was just that they had to go to another room away from us. They are allowed to be in separate rooms or together, but no screens (tv, computer, cell phone) allowed, and they are not allowed to come back downstairs (or upstairs) until they are "friends". Most of the time, they are back down as friends in less than 5 minutes. I never have to know what the fight was about or what the solution was, and I totally don't need to! Sometimes if they are really mad at each other, they will both go in their separate rooms (and usually slam their doors, which I ignore). In those cases, with no screens to entertain them, they usually end up reading a book or otherwise entertaining themselves quietly until they calm down, and nothing bad about that either!
Note: This is the policy when the fighting is all verbal. If either does anything physical, they get some sort of punishment (lose some privilege) in addition to having to solve their disagreement.

2
0 3

When we were growing up we were taught to love each other and to look out for each other. My mom never allow us to fight each other because we were family. It is important that we as parents teach our children to do just that. As I got older I got married and my husband's sisters had children there were all going to the same school. My nephew allowed others friends to criticize my neice. I immediately told him when he reach the car to never allow anyone to talk about his relatives because if you didn't care what was said about her who would. They knew they always had to love each other and not call each other names in my presence. I recommend that you correct the situation quickly because if you don't it will get worse. I have seen this happen with other relatives that were not corrected when they should have been taught to love each other instead of fight and arguing

2
0 6

AMEN! Teach them to love. My mom did that too. As adults we care about each other a great deal and would not ever do anything to cause hurt or pain. Train up a child......

0 0

have them work out a compromise and dont let them involve you
in a negative way.

2
0 9

1 time out
2 take things away
3 if its a friend then they need to go on a break

2
0 0

Ana, Good for you for answering with penalties. If arguing doesn't stop, the parent should stop it. By definition, children are unable to resolve problems logically. The common idea of passinve parenting comes across as an avoidance of responsibility. Of course, I daresay that the fights most parents comment about aren't serious. My children are cuttingly verbal and nice, normal, selfish people.

0 4

You're amazing!! I also will strive to do that as often as possible! Don't your own feelings and state of mind get in the way sometimes? If that happens to me, I use the "Ok, let's rewind and do that again' technique and then i respond how i would have liked to in the first instance - with a bit more calm and a bit less reaction!!! My children now often "rewind" when they have trouble self-regulating their emotions to begin with (which of course happens often with 3 and 5 year olds!).

1
1 0

I wonder whether my (now grown-up) twins remember the day I gave each of them a wooden spoon and told them to beat up on each other...this just in lighter vein. I appreciate every comment.

1
0 6

I think all of us momma's have been there done that. I told mine once if there is going to be blood shed to take it outside. Didn't want any messes in my kitchen. They laughed and stopped their fighting/bickering. A sense of humor is #1 on the priority list.

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0 20

LOVE and LOGIC- this company has GREAT resources for parents- classes, books, DVD's. I AM NOT a rep. for them but have personally used their approach to parenting and LOVE how easy it is! Their approach is to allow natural consequences to rule events/issues that arrise. I have never felt like I am "the bad mom" for talking to them about "What would happen if?".....
Please check them out at: www.loveandlogic.com.

1
0 6

I have followed "Positive Discipline" Jane Nelson for quite sometime. It has helped me be a much better gramma than momma. I have learned so much from this site.

0 0

I have a boy and girl and they argue all the time. I mostly let them sort it out their self, unless they get to loud or go on and on about it. Then I tell them if they don't stop, I'll will make them give each other a hug. That always settles it, because that's the last thing they want to do. It has worked for ten years now, with my children being 17 and 14 now. I know they still fight and argue, they are not so open and loud about it now and settle before I find out about it. Which is what they should do because the outside world is not nice and they have to figure out on their own how to handle it.

1
0 0

Is terrible they hate eachother ,they have arguments every single second for stupid thinks.
Is ok if i call the police the hit each other very badly

0
0 70

My children fight everyday. I got two girls and a boy. My eldest as got a very short fuse and when she is on one it takes her a long time to calm down. I try reasoning with her as she is eight years old and she as a right attitude. If she dosnt listen or there is no getting through to her i do have to put her on the naughty step. she does stay there but i do not think it makes any different. It breaks my heart that the two sisters fight all the time. There is two years difference but i do think that the eldest is fighting for attention.The wrong way.
My little boy is the same because he see's his older sister ganging up on on the middle child. he is not as bad yet so i am trying to stop it before it does.
The middle child is not aggressive at all so we have to keep telling her to stand up for herself/

Saying that when they are not arguing or fighting they are lovely children and play lovely with each other.

0
0 1

I make them stop and hug each other for five minutes. It usually ends in laughter and they forgot why they were mad in the first place

0
0 6

I have a nine year old and a four year old boy, I also have a one year old baby girl. Sometimes I look to the 9 year old to give in and sometimes he does it on his own. But when this doesn't work I have to seperate them instead of letting them try and figure out on their own how to handle conflict. After some time they usually go back to like nothing happened.

0
0 0

I have 3 kids ages 14, 11, 8 years old mainly my older 2 fight @ times physical I try time in their rooms but their room are across from each other so that doesnt work, sometimes it just ruins what ever family time we have when they fight, it hard on the whole family

0
5 2

Often when my children are fighting for a prolonged period of time it means that they are ready for a change of pace or a bit of structure. I have a 7 year old boy followed by 4,3, and 1 year old girls, and the girls have their share of arguing. I do preschool at home for the 4 and 3 year old and find that they do well with what I call 'free play' for a certain percentage of the day (depending how how tired they are). I've gotten to the point where I can tell when they're starting to get short fuses with each other and that's usually the time to crank up the dance music, separate them a little, and do some 'Do As I'm Doing' or something. It usually makes them forget that they've been fighting. Time outs also work very well for us when it's beyond the restructuring stage or something more serious than just arguing.

0
0 0

Parenting is not easy, never was but it is most rewarding for me. I am a recently divorced mom with a 5 and 3 year old. I am their security at the moment, they depend on me for everything and I think they are afraid of 'loosing' me. I always try to remind myself that children only need love and security to florish...

They fight mostly when they are tired or hungry and I had to learn quickly when to identify these times, as they are not always in sinc! For example, do not take hungry or tired kids to the shops...

It is important to identify the adult in the fight, it should be YOU, so step away, don't scream and shout as it does not help you or them. I have tried different things to stop the fighting, it is also age-related, you can not punish a 3 year old and a 5 year old in the same way, they are not emotionally or physically on the same level...a 3 year old is not half a six year old!

Figthing is part of growing up, so are you encouraging the fight or leading by example? Children must be taught that anger is a valid emotion, it is how you deal with that emotion that makes the difference. Teach your child skills in how to recognise that they are angry, put a name to the emotion and help them find ways to deal with these emotions.

0
0 6

Amen! and God bless you as you lead, guide and direct those precious little ones.

0 4

I have two sons 6 1/2 & 4. They do fight sometimes, they would fight for some useless thing like wanting the same toy or seat or wanting to be close r to me, etc.
I would tell my elder son that his brother is small and he cannot be reasoned with so would you mind please giving his the Toy or the seat. Most times he would give in and if he refuses I would explain to his small brother that Your elder brother is not feeling well so its better we give him the Toy/Seat, etc.
Most times this works, when it doesn't I would bribe one or the other to give up whatever they were fighting for. I feel this situation would improve with age as I already feel they are better behaved than an year ago. So good luck to me & all the Mums!

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Lesley Neilson
Arguing is part of growing up and so is fighting but sometimes when there are a few children together you find they seem to pick on just one child and that is not right, you should step in here, however being a mum of grown up children now, I found it very difficutl to handle when there was fighting involved as I do not like violence in any way............If its a 'one on one' then they will have to learn how to cope, but to be ganged up on is not acceptable and parents should step in here.
Growing up is hard enough without your " young friends" wanting to fight all the time as the hitting gets harder, kicking should not be allowed, and then it all starts to hurt, that's where it can sometimes come between friends.........
Discuss how you feel with friends about this issue straight away as everyone has their opinion, don't leave it, as I did, until it gets so bad you have to keep your children in until I had the courage to face the parents, that way the children are suffering all round.
This is a difficult subject as some say let them fight it out and some don't like it at all, like me....but to have one child being ganged up on is not right and you should stop this straight away in my opinion.

0
0 0

ask them what you want

0
0 0

I am a 30 yr. old mother of 5. ages 12, 9, 6, 4, and 6mos. Four boys and the youngest is my girl:) My boys fight all the time and it drives me nutz.. some days I leave them to their bickering but most days i can't help but put them in their rooms cause it's none stop!! My 9yr. old stabbed my 12yr. old in the leg last year with a pocket knife. SO i am truly at a loss for the fighting and i feel as though i can't let them work it out by themselfs for fear of someone getting hurt. they both have mental issues that are currently being treated.

0
0 6

I am seeing these as pretty serious issues and since the children have counselors, I would definitely bring this to attention of professionals. You need help when children are using what could be deadly violence against one another.

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0 9

I will here what they are fighting for? And then, like usual, I let them to think ( my children are 8 and 12), is it worthed to fight with the problems?
Some times they say yes and some is no, then I will explain to them, that sometimes, the parents or his borther, might not think the same like him. But we are still family and we have to respect others' differences.
Commonly, they will play together again.


Thanks.

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0 16

You have to let them have there rifts between each other...its life...there were 5 of us growing up on a farm and we all managed..in my house there are twins and then an younger sibling..Twins 21yr and younger sibling 17...Definately gets heated from time to time....but HEY...they alive, well and happy..and at the end of the day thats all thats matters.

0
0 6

I don't like to see siblings not geting along and I believe it is our place as parents to teach them appropriate ways to do so. After all they can't act like that when they grow up and have jobs. When kids are at an appropriate age sit them down together and tell them you see there is a problem. Lets lay the problem(s) on the table and discuss them and how best to resove the issue. This method does work and as the children mature they can figure out how to resolve their issues on their own with gentle reminders "There seems to be a problem both sit down and see if you can figure it out by yourselves". For much younger children, removing the object or just a short timeout may work. Remember: Once the kids are into it, don't expect them to stop and resolve an issue, they will need intervention at this point. That is why we always intervened before things got "hot". This teaches the kids in a responsible manner how to overcome sibling rivalry. (In some cases blended families do need outside help especially if you are blending young teens.)

0
0 6

I have two boys of my own age 9 & 7, they are 15 months apart. My fiance has one boy 11 and one girl 9, they are 14 months apart. I am at a loss sometimes when I try to figure out how to make them all get along. It seems virtually impossible at times, nobody is ever happy. Is there any advise on blended families and how to survive and get along?

0
0 0

Don't get married until your children are grown!

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1 9

My Boys are grown and married now ;; but when they were young ; It was at times stressfull;to say the least; They are 18 months apart ' '
I found out one day what worked for me,,
I sat them both on the couch ,, made them hold hands , and I put Patsy Cline , tape on singing nearer my God to thee; and I walk in the garden with him,, I played it over and over ; finally they agreed to be good to each other ; ; well it worked for me;;; best of luck to all

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12 9

Kid's argue. It's a fact and it is perfectly normal (sorry Debz)......... Adults argue, Animals argue. We all have our opinions but as adults are able to put our points across in a mature way. Children haven't learnt to do that. They see thier opinion as being right. I think the only time we need to step in is if it starts to get physical. That is not acceptable. Other than that let them get on with it, They soon get bored. My two boys used to argue all the time. There is 5 years between them. Believe me they will grown out of it and although it seems a long way off it will happen. My two are 22 and 17 now and get on like a house on fire. They would lay down thier lives for one another. Childhood goes by so quickly, what I wouldn't give now to have a few of those moments back. I bet you think I'm nuts to say something like that, but it's true. Make the most of their childish ways , yes even the arguments because before you can say "spit spot" they're all grown up and don't need you anymore (APART FROM YOUR CASH!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Good Luck anyway

0
41 0

Why be sorry to me? You are entitled to your opinion. As I said " read the advice from all the parents and make up your own mind." But please catherine don't criticise others while you are giving your opinion. Debz

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41 0

I have two kids .. Three years between them. They never argue, I don't think any " sibling arguing" is normal or acceptable. I nip it in the bud, soon as they start with the " tone" they are separated. " you cannot talk to each other like that, it is offensive and not acceptable. I am not an advocate of the " ignor my child's negative behaviour" way of bringing up kids! I talk to them, tell them why it is not acceptable, and separate them. They each have personal space ( you can't send them to their room if they share) and they are invited to go to their personal space until they cool off. Worked for me, both my kids are now grown and are very close, they support each other, and respect each others space.
No one gave us a manual, but we are have to give our kids tools that enable them to live without mom or dad playing referee.
My advice is read everything the lovely parents give hear, and pick one that makes sense to you.. Good luck

0
6 0

OF COURSE KIDS ARGUE. Thats so normal, if they don't argue at home then latest in school, and if u keep pulling them apart at home, ure not givin them rrom to settle matters on their OWN!!!! my advice to u is keep out of their way n let them deal with it alone or else do u plan on running just to save em every single time???!!???, as long as they don't beat each other up u shud just leave em

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0 0

Discipline both of them regardless who is in the right or wrong. So that they will not think they could escape from their mistake.

-1
0 6

Since I was punished as a child when not at fault for the problems my sister and I had, I vowed never to do that to my children. When my children had getting along problems I payed close attention to see if one was at fault or not, then took it from there.

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