How do you explain to your teenager about his absent father?
In my opinion, a teenager has already formed his or her own opinion about their father and the lack of. Usually if a parent is not involved the other parent has formed their own opinions regarding the absent parent and should avoid talking about them with the child so as not to pertray them as "evil", deadbeat" etc. If they press for an answer I would simply say they arent around for reasons that have nothing to do with them (the child) and leave it at that. Remember your child is half the other person and to shame them or make them look bad is making them look bad as well. Usually the younger children have more questions regarding the other parent and for them the simple (not demeaning ) answer is the best way to proceed.
Like Nyanda and Yvette both said...honesty is best. My son is now 14, and that person has not been a part of his life - his entire life. He has probably seen him 3 times. I explained to him the entire situation and left it up to him as to whether he wanted me to pursue a relationship on his behalf. My son began seeing the truth for himself and on one of the final attempts (when he was 11), he said to me, "Mommy, don't try anymore. I don't care". I left it at that. I feel like if you have to force a man to be a part of his own child's life, he is not worth that child's love. They only want love and it's more than unconditional and many times no reciprocated. They deserve more. With that, I let it be and I felt it was for the best. My son is better off for it. He understands, and I'm convinced that he will be a better man/father for it. What gets me, I won't lie, is how the families don't take the high road. You know, the grandmothers, uncles, aunts, etc.
Honestly is always the best policy but one must try not to assign blame. Give what you know to be an honest and true account, not a perception, nothing accusatory and certainly do not be overly dramatic. Teenagers are a lot more aware than we think and this conversation about the absent father should lead them on the road to seeing how one's actions can affect those around them.
Having been through this with my oldest daughter i found the best way to explain the absent father was to be honest. i explained the bad along with whatever good traits i could remember. i explained the addictions he was involved with and the anger/domestic violence issues he had and i have found my daughter (who is now 17 1/2) joining me in my endeavors to help with mental health and addictions and be help victims of domestic violence. she still wants to know or at least meet him at some point but his whereabouts are unknown. in her mind meeting him is just for closure. hope this helps.
I have 3 children by three different men. All three men have personalities that are similar (narcicistic) to each other but they each dealt with the fact that they have a child differently. My Oldest ( 15yr old daughter) father has joint custody I faught against that from the beginning because he is an alcoholic and an abuser. He remarried and abused his current wife. This past weekend it became to much for my daughter and when the police arrived she informed them she was leaving and was never coming back.
My Second Oldest ( 9yr old Son) father and I seperated before he was born and I had to track down his father to see him about 12 times. There were 2 deaths in my family in less than 6 months and my son had a hard time dealing with it I asked his father to give him a week or so to deal with it then we could pick back up on the so called visitation ( if he didn't have anything better to do he had time for my son) I contactred him once and I have never heard back from him. I got tired of explaining to my son why his father had no time for him.
My Youngest ( 15mo Daughter) father and I were also seperated when she was born. He came to the Hospital making a scene and was not allowed into my room after so many times of disrupting the maternity ward. He claimed he was dying of cancer and had to get back home (he is a cancer survivor but uses his cancer to guilt people and get un needed sympathy. He refuses to work and support himself) he said he was leaving to go back home and 30 minutes later she was delivered by C-Section. When he was called to come see her, he threw a tantrum and never came back to the hospital. He has never seen her and in her short life I have dealt with verbally violenty phone calls and cruel emails from him to the point that I have ended contact with him. He is an abuser in his own way. He tried to get me to touch him so he would have a reason to hit me. He is a foot and half taller than me had me blocked in a room and was using his size to keep me from leaving so I used my cell phone and called a family member to come to my house. He thought I had called the police so he left. He lives in a different state and has recently mentioned that he would like to come for a visit,. I will not allow him to see my daughter until he gets help. He wont get help because he says I am the one with the problem.
In my opinion Yu have to deal with the situation differently depending on the circumstances. I do not speak ill of my childrens fathers, their actions speak loud and clear and my children will make their own decision about their fathers. I hate that my life has made my childrens lives they way they are but I try to make the best of the situation for my kids sake.
Yvette, I can totally relate to you. My daughter, who is 13, only vaguely remembers my ex-husband, her biological father, but about three years ago, she started having questions and becoming very emotional about it. My husband legally adopted her when she was 5, but he raised her from 2 years old. She knows that he has been the only real dad in her life, but still has this frustration and sadness and anger toward her biological father. I don't know what to do. She wants to meet him, but she isn't sure exactly why. He was verbally and psychologically abusive, abused drugs, and was very unfaithful to me. I left him when she was 4 months old because she didn't deserve to live with that. She knows the story. But yet she still can't let go of it, and it breaks my heart.
i told my teenagers all there life, that there dad left to have another life and one day when your a man or women, you can look him up and form your own opinion.i never talked bad about there dad cause then they will hate you.but sure enough when my son turned 18 he went out to find his dad and he did,he was raised a good man.but his dad turned out to be a hells angel biker druggie.my son was so disappointed and mad that he really didnt care about him.it all worked out with time and i got all the hugs for being there for my son .
I know I am way behind via date, just joined. Initially, I tried to be both Mom and "father" and realized, I can only be me, Mom. ALWAYS to ensure his lack of whatever, has absolutely nothing to do with my them, their actions. He is the "adult" and makes his own choices, decisions, actions, and how much more I loved them each minute, second; over and over and over and still do!! I did and have showed up for my children, day after day. I did not make any excuses why their "father" isn't here, there, etc. I told both my children, I am not him and that I honestly don't understand. I repeated why I was there, because I love them, it is my joy to be here, to help with this project, to pick you up . . . I showed up over and over. No bells and whistles and not perfect, there are all kinds of books and they are in my bookcase, not ever opened. Gratefully, life happened and Mom was fully present. My son called on his birthday during his first year of college. He asked if there was any mail, of course my parents his Grandpa and Grandma! He asked specifically about anything from his "father." He was so sad, crying; "how can he not call or a card?" Honesty, I really have no idea, makes no sense to me, because I just couldn't even imagine not . . .. . whatever. My values, morals are totally different!! I am the Mom, I dreamed of, because, my Mom and Dad were present, we were a family and we continue to be a LOVING and involved immediate and extended family. Now in their early 20's, both my daughter and son have shown their way of loving, caring, as their Mom, our family, their friendships, and in their personal relationship, they show up
Well I have two children by two different dad. I have taking care of them since they have been born know help from either father. I have a 17 year old daughter that I have took care for 17 years n have known what her father is about no birthday gift, Christmas gift, Valentine gift n just know gift at all. He wouldn't even call her to c how she was doing. She new all of this n more so just this year I became the bad person because I wouldn't let her do what she want so she move in with them n don't like it from time to time. So u have tl let them also see for themselves to understand what the other it like so I dis not stop her n my Mom beg her to stay n she did not. I told Mom leave her along she will she that the grass is not as green as u think it is y because he has 3 other kids beside Hernandez here it was just me n her brother. I Do believe things r starting to come through for her, UT has not ask to come home so I still don't say anything bout it just tlk n listen. How my son father it totally different he want call or send anything for him @ all he has not seem him since he was 2 years old want call unless I say something to him bout it then he will call that one time n thats it. Then it will be another whole 6 months to a year n he want been have call then until I say something to him bout it. So I have said to myself enough it enough he don't know him my boyfriend is the one he call father n he treat him like his own n he gets mad because he don't knw him like that n told him if u call him n tlk to him like u should maybe he would know who u r, but u don't do that so it is what it is..
I had a strange series of events remove our older two boys' father from their lives. It was incredibly confusing for them and I resent him for it. He made personal decisions that made his continued involvement impossible and I gained sole custody in a joint custody state. To explain it to the boys, who were 13 and 11 at the time, I was honest to a certain degree without divulging information that might have altered their self-image. I also made sure they knew it had absolutely NOTHING to do with them or their worthiness. I let them know that it was his loss to not have them in his life and he would regret his choices. They have had their step-father (Dad) in their lives from their earliest memories so the hole in their lives never really had a huge impact. Oldest is 18 now and neither of the boys show or voice any interest in seeing or hearing from their biological father.
my oldest kid no that her dad i left because he hit me as she was here all the time but when she calls him he says that he dont whan to c her any more and it hard but she no were he is he made is bed