How do you manage your OWN temper?
What are your best tips for keeping a handle on your own temper when your kids are acting up?
I PRAY, I ask God to help me at my moment of weakness I need his strength and guidance to understand what he has given to me. I have 4 wonderful children and all Very close in age and my husband is away from the home at weeks time. I'm left to deal with 24 hrs of being a full time mom. with NO breaks away. I try to teach my children even mommies have temper tamtruams and that we need to take a deep breath and walk away and when the moment is calm lets discuss the issue.
Wonderful question. As I've gotten older (much older), I can keep my temper quite well. I had 5 children in less than 6 years and was stressed lots of the time However, I do recall that if I got really angry, I would just remove myself from the scene unless it was vital that I stand there. It gave me a minute to calm down and get myself in a better position to do the discipline that might be necessary. However, if any of you young mothers, have lost your temper and feel you may have in some way offended or disciplined your child too harshly, let me be the first to tell you, it will not hurt them occasionally. Once I was so angry at my second child, a boy, for something (who knows what) that I shook him while we were in the family room. I thought about this for years and felt horrible. Once I mentioned it to him, and he doesn't recall the incident (so it didn't make an impression on him). In fact he laughed about it! So all the years I carried that incident, was worrying me for nothing. He hugged me and said "I probably needed it." But the calmer you can be when you discipline, the better it is. Although how can you discipline when you aren't angry at them???????????
I use a combination of calming myself by closing my eyes, breathing slowly, and repeating a poem that I treasure: "God gave this child to you to guide, to love and to walk through life beside. A little child so full of charms to fill a pair of loving arms. God picked you out because he knew how safe his child would be with you." It was given to me by my mother-in-law about a year before she died of cancer. It helps me to remember that we are all God's children and that hurting children, even emotionally, is the same as hurting God. That works 90 percent of the time, the other 10 percent I usually have to distance myself until I am feeling calm, even if that means putting my children in their rooms with some books on tape or soft music playing.
Recently I read a pinterest that said something like:
Is it true, is it kind, is it necessary?
Which made me think ~ When parenting our teens:
Did she mean it?
Is it worth it?
What will she remember?
It reminds me that most often getting angry is all about me and my own needs and not about the kids, so I breathe through it, laugh often and do my best to stay connected rather than giving into to frustration or anger. When all else fails a good run helps as well.
I have gotten really good at pausing.....just stop, take a deep breath. I try very hard to respond rather than to react.
I have given myself a time out before- sent myself to my room for some quiet time! Another thing that helps me is I force myself to talk very slowly and very quietly.
My son is autistic. He also is perfectly capable of doing normal bratty stuff, and being difficult in the ways most kids his age are. I have to constantly differentiate between it being behavior or autistic meltdown. There's a lot he can't handle...crowds, too much noise, and yelling. At first, I yelled a lot. I was so frustrated. I've learned to try to separate myself emotionally from the behavior, before reacting. It gives me a few powerful seconds to figure out if he 1) can help it 2) what's the issue and 3) discipline or help calm him. Lately, it's been more calming him down, because the discipline escalates the situation in a bad way. It breaks my heart to go through it sometimes.
Well in my situation I find a bit difficult to balance stress and tantrums.....
as a single mom its extremely difficult to play mommy and daddy role at the same time,
one hand you are the loving, caring and compasionate mum and on the other you a discipliner and a provider! so occasionally I find myself stressed out due to work and financial situations that I cant meet up with certain expectations and as much as I want to give the world to my son and facing the challenges of making it through my obstacles I find myself snapping when I'm trying to disclipine him......
well immediately after that I feel guilty cause I think to myself maybe I was being just a bit harsh coz I'm taking out my stress on him, I mean like he was just standing infront of the tv and he didnt wanna move after I asked him a couple of times....so I snapped and he moved instantly! and he came running towards me and said mommy u need to go to the naughty corner......
that's when I realised that actually I contradict myself, when I discipline him, I teach him the principles..... not to yell or scream and speak properly or else he goes to the naughty corner and yet I find myself doing the very same thing! yelling and screaming!
I've just trained myself to be calm and give him an ultimatum istead of repeating myself and that usually works like a charm coz he knows if his doing something naughty theres an ultimatum and he doesnt take the chance....
I have learned that I have temper problems when I am tired, hungry or stressed. So right when I start feeling a little bit frustrated, I stop myself and try to take care of myself; whether that is eating a snack, or taking a break. This helps prevent me from 'snapping' later. I also try to control my own voice and talk quietly because it seems like if I start yelling, I just yell more and more (snowball effect!).
I pray to Jehovah God for a calm and mild spirit...and to be kind, calm and loving as apposed to tearing apart!!
My daughter is now 13, and definitely testing my patience!
When she was little though, I came up with one way to deal with misbehavior... When she first started to act up, or was obviously testing me, I would say to her something along the lines of "if you don't turn your behavior around, 'mean Momma' is going to come!" I had explained that when she pushes me to the edge, I lose my temper and become mean, I have an angry face, yell, give out punishments without a second thought to how 'fair' it is... She knew she didn't want to deal with "mean Momma" and usually turned it around. After a while, the threat of mean momma actually made us both laugh and lightened the mood, making it harder for me to actually stay mad, and distracting her from the unwanted behavior.
Unfortunately she's not afraid of mean momma anymore :( lol
I come from a family of yellers, So naturally I yell. Latley I have been trying very hard to be stearn without yelling. I have found that explaining to my children that mommy is getting fustrated helps alot. Nobody likes fustrated mommy. I find that it's not my children so mych that dislike mommy when I am yelling at them, but I do not like myself. They seem to be able to forgive me rather easily. It can take hours to forgive myself. I also always ask for forgivness when I yell.
listen to God's voice coaching me through my daily Bible reading, and pray, releasing all my anxieties, frustrations, fears ans worries into God's loving caring all powerful hands to get my own peace, This helps me see the bigger picture of what is happening, how often my anger is because I think things are going wrong, when actually there are good things happening that I'm not realizing. But sometimes we need to be angry at wrong things, enough to do what we can to make them right, not to cause more damage. Good anger energizes us to do what helps things to go right. Bad anger is destructive.
You really need to weigh up how bad what they're doing is.It's easy to lose your temper when you're tired and stressed but,most things can be cleaned up,fixed,whatever.Step back for a moment and decide weather something is important enough to warrant a punishment or if your child can just help you fix it/clean it.Nothing is worse than seeing a small child cower in terror at their parent.Learn to laugh....it'll make everyone relax.
I just try to switch off and take a deep breath, talk to my child to let him understand that he cannot have everything he wants and throw a temper tantrum all the time if he does not! if he gets into a real crying temper I simply try to pick him up and cuddle him to quiet him down and walk around singing to him which seems to help or taking him outside in the garden to distract him.
You should read 123 magic: it's a great way to manage your child's behavior and minimize your stress. You should also look for ways to reduce your underlying level of stress.
i try to talk my son into doing something fun reading a book, or coloring he loves doing crafts and i enjoy seeing him having fun so it works out good most of the time i have my bad days but i also have really bad endometriosis no doctor and 4 month old and a 4 year old with a speech delay but even our bad days i love,you just have to find something your child loves to do, my son loves to color but he isnt allowed to do it when ever that way we he is haveing a fit and i just cant deal with it i whip out the coloring book and crayons and its peace!! lol
With my 6 year old, I have her stand in the corner. That gives us both time to calm down. With my older kids, I have them write me a letter explaining there thoughts & after we are able to talk about it calmly.
I put myself on time out as well as my child to cool off
wow, this is a tall order for somebody like me whose temper is always flaring but to do that, i keep my mouth and eyes shut and concentrate on really not giving any reaction, verbal or otherwise. i count, exhale and inhale, it may take sometime for me to get my composure back but i go back to the scene and just smile. it is hard but the challenge is worth it.