How do you react when you child pushes your buttons?
Kids grow up always watching their parents and even kids as young as toddlers can figure out pretty quickly how to put your buttons. How should you react when your child purposely pushes your buttons?
My son is 4 so I am just starting to get some button pushing. We use the word respect a lot in our house. If he doesn't respect me or our stuff I say "I'd like to be having a good time right now, but I can discipline all day if I have to. I could put you on time out or put your favorite toys on time out if you don't show respect." I have followed through on that promise when needed so he really takes it seriously. He generally chooses "fun mommy" over "teach you good behavior" mommy.
If I lose my temper I say "I'm taking a deep breath because I'm really angry right now." He usually takes one with me. I also apologize if I do something I'm not proud of like yell or forget to respect him (his privacy is big right now). Hope that helps. I'd love to hear some tips from parents with older kids. I know there is a lot more button pushing yet to come...
Above all else, you HAVE to keep yourself calm. When a child, no matter what age, sees you reacting wildly with a temper, yelling and such, it encourages the behavior. When you yell it puts the child on the defensive and brings forth the 'fight or flight' instinct. And in most cases that I have seen, the 'fight' response is what comes out. My 13 yr old son and I have gone through many different ways of handling this as he has been a serial button pusher. What I have found that works time and time again is always keeping yourself calm, look them straight in the eyes, speak firmly and directly, and tell them to stop. I also add in an element of humor. ( I have tried this on many kids that have been involved in my life. It works with them all!!) DO NOT engage in a match. You will get exactly the reaction that you don't want by doing so. My son and I live a much more peaceful existence together, talk more, and have a much closer relationship now than we did when I was doing the yelling.
I have 3 kids, aged 5, 3 and 1 and they all really know how to push my buttons. I know I react differently depending on how much sleep I've had, when I last ate, if we're in a hurry or if it's the wrong time of the month. I try to remember that, and it's really the key. It's not actually their behaviour that's wrong, since they are learning by doing, but it's my reaction I have to work on. If anyone needs time out, it's me, so I can count to ten and calm down, and that always results in the kids calming down too. At times when I've tried to punish them instead, by not letting them join us when we play, or by taking away their favourite toy f ex, has always resulted in more bad behaviour from them and a really stretched out process, so it's not worth it even though it feels easier at the time.
I have a 15-yo daughter. Need I say more? Button pushing has been a teenage pastime since she turned 13. (Actually, it's been since she was about 2 or 3.) How do I react? I try to keep my sense of humor. But, quite honestly, I have a hard time keeping my cool when I say something and she misinterprets or misunderstands me. I HATE being misunderstood! When I communicate calmly about something she's done that I'm not happy about, she thinks I'm yelling. Just yesterday, I told her she could not go over to her friend's house until she cleaned up a mess she made that morning. Rather than start cleaning up the mess, she told my husband (her dad) I grounded her. It is comical to hear the way my words are filtered and translated through the adolescent brain, but it's also very frustrating when I'm not at my best...which is a lot of the time. Why did God make women perimenopausal around the same time our daughters are teenagers? Some sense of humor!
I wish I were better, but I admit, I do lose my cool...frequently. When I do, I usually give myself a time-out and ask her dad to go deal with her. Now that she's a teenager, I understand why some animals eat their young. I love my daughter more than life itself, but no one can give me more joy or more angst than she can. My friends who have been through the teen years tell me she'll come around as a sweet young adult in a few years. In the meantime, it's stormy weather a lot in our house, so I keep my raincoat handy.
I have a 9 year old. When she pushes my buttons I try remain calm and talk to her in a very calm voice. It drives her crazy. I remind her of the rules (no sassing, no yelling, etc.) and often ask her to "say it again" (meaning to say her words appropriately). When she realizes I'm not going to get worked up and yell, she usually stops. Sometimes I have to take my own time-out and go in my room and scream in a pillow to let out my frustrations - but never in front of her... we work on deep breathing and sometimes listening to calm music to relax her. And of course there are consequences to her behaviors, which I also give her in a calm manner. It's tough, but kids are looking for a reaction, and if they don't get it, they'll usually stop.
That is a tough subject for me! I have a 12 year old boy who pushes my buttons to the extreme! He even has emotional outbursts! We have been seeing a counselor, but that is only good if the child is willing to make the changes! It is hard for me to stay calm sometimes. I try to remember what God would want us to do when it comes to our children, but sometimes I will tell my son something and he just doesn't get it and he just doesn't learn from his consequences! So you can imagine as a Mother how frustrating and tiring this can be! I pray every day that God opens his ears and his eyes because I know he believes in God, but he isn't living by the bible when it says to honor thy parents. I know parents aren't always perfect either, but when your child can't take no for an answer and is following you from one room to the next, you just want to pull your hair out! I know it's the age and he's going through lots of changes, but that is no excuse for the behavior he exhibits! The counselor says don't give up and just stay consistent. That is what I have been doing. I will say things have been getting better, but not with some hesitancy because things still have a long way to go! So please pray for our family because we really could use the prayers!
I try and handle it like a 'Love and Logic' parent - more chores, loss of privileges, time outs in room, with no playing, all while annoying them right back. When they give me cooperative behavior, I kindly give attention to them.
Sometimes, when I'm the one in a bad mood, I take the time out and let Dad take over. :-)
I also welcome my kids playing with their fiends when my darling children are bored and annoying me for their own entertainment because being a referee is easier than being the target (and their friends are as good as they are at dishing $%^* back at them).
My last resort, when everything else falls apart, is to take them to the gym so they can work off all that extra energy. A pooped person hardly has the energy to harass.
I have a son who will be four in May. He completely manipulates and pushes my buttons on a daily basis. I blame myself for making the mistake that alot of single parents do and that is to overcompensate because the other parent is completely absent. Since, I figured out that this was an issue, I've tried to correct it. However, I'm met with alot of resistence and hesitation.
I usually resort to time outs or taking away a toy or a priviledge like tv. We are currently seeing a counselor which is helping but consistency is key!
Three words: mommy time out. :O) I'm a single mom of a 3yo boy. The terrible twos didn't end with two. My son has many good days but, being a single mom, mommy's buttons can be easily pushed. I've found that what typically works for my son also works for me. Sometimes I just need my own time out. When I feel my son is pushing me closer to the edge of a precipice, I go to my room, close the door and lock it...even if it's just for 30 seconds. I take several slow deep breaths and try to relax. A cold washcloth to the face/neck seems to help. A few drops of lavender and peppermint essential oils help to balance out my emotions.
One thing that kids do so well is turn off emotions when they are done with a fit or get what they want. You know, those moments where they were screaming one minute and giddy the next? I don't know about you but it takes me quite a bit longer to lower my blood pressure, regain composure and become chatty again. Not so with kids.
So, I do whatever I can to pace myself during moments of button-pushing. When I control my frustration, I'm less likely to take it out on my son. When I get time outs, I'm less likely to snap. When I take a moment to walk away and re-group, I can return to the situation with fresh perspective. And, chances are, during that mommy time out, my son has calmed down and forgotten all about my buttons!
L--listen w/eyes ears and heart
Stomp ants (angry negative, thoughts
Reward the positive ignore the negative
remember that they are just kids and dont really understand how much their words hurt your feelings, even if u tell them it hurts your feelings, they wouldnt really know what that means.. plus they are just mimicing behavour they have seen before. you could tell them that if they speak to you like that then they will go to time out, then when they do it again, step out of the room count to 10 and calm down, then put them on a chair that you have made the time out spot and leave them for one minute per year of their age (example a 4 year old gets 4 minutes) any time they get up just put them back and they will soon learn you men business and that they cant speak that way...
Sometimes I have to remind myself that my 3 year old is pushing my buttons to make sure I will consistently be the adult role model in her life. I breathe. It helps me to think "if this wasn't my child, how would I respond?" Only because we sometimes seem to talk and treat other peoples children a little more kindly when they act out :) Just my 2 cents:)
I have a 12,9 & 3 yr old n my 12 yr old is th worse she Thnks ah is grown n me n her but heads alot case she Thnks she is my other 2 children's mother I try not to loose my temper sumtime n here lately I have gotton alot better I do say I'm srry whn I do scream n yell at thm n I try n not spank thm but sumtimes I do but only whn it's sumthn really bad thy have done I kno wht it's like to be whipped n screamed at all the time cause tht is wht my childhood consisted of me getting my butt beat for every lil thng so thts y I try not to spank n yell at my kids I feel really bad whn I do loose my temper n yell a thm .... Most of the time I tke a deep breath n count to ten n sumtimes I just haft to walk away n sumtimes I make thm go out of the room till I calm dwn n can thnk straight n tlk to thm Wth out yelling or screaming..... but sumtimes it's hard to do tht but I pray tht god gives me the strength to keep my kool so I dnt yell n raise my voice at thm I pray tht he changes me so I dnt do my children like I was done whn I was a child
i find this very hard as im as just hot headed like my son so ineed any help or advice i can get please?
I tell my daughter to lay off first, second is tell her to go live with her dad if she doesn't like the situation. Then I just go to my room, she doesn't have an audience
With my eldest, I reacted poorly, as I wasn't paying attention to "who she was and what she needed." It was more about what I THOUGHT she should be like. So I learned by trial and error and I always stay as calm as I can; if I don't stay calm, I apologize as soon as I can and try to discuss what happened she the child is ready. Then I LISTEN and try to mirror the child's feelings.
HELP..all of this sounds GREAT. but have 20 yro who LOVES to push buttons. some times it very dificult to talk calmly. she still lives in our home. any advise on how o handle this meanning getting her to move and how i can stay calm...
I have 3 daughters 29, 24 and 12. My 25 year old knows how to push every button i ever owned. This last episode of button pushing i surprisingly remained calm which is very scary for me because i am afraid that i wont be so easy to snap back so quickly this time. Every time i think of the disrespect. Usually, we scream, holla, yell and then its over in a few days. But this time is kinda different - i feel like i just wanna walk away from it all. So really! do 25-year olds count in this calmness thing we are trying to uphold?
My 2 year old grandson has started pushing my buttons, I take care of him for my daughter as she is a single Mom & is working on child support. When he has push mt buttons, I scold him, then I make him take a 2 min time out on the couch or a pillow on the floor. I watch him to make sure he stays there for 2 min. So far it has worked. Barbara West.
I don't have an answer, I need help, I have 3 children, ages 13, 7, 5, my 13 year old and 5 year old are no problem, my 7 year old on the other hAnd is making me pull my hair out, she is very dramatic, whines over everything, you punish her she acts like you have killed her, constantly saying everyone hates her, I had her put on ADHD meds about 3 months ago, I am not seeing a difference, taking her back to the doctor, but anyway, I work, plus take care of all three kids, plus do all housework and yard work, plus take care of all finances and help take care of my parents, I feel I am doing something wrong with her, but treat her no different than the other 2 kids and yet when I lay down at night I feel guilty and horrible, she is constantly picking at her little brother to start a fight, or her older sister when she can't aggravate her brother, she went from sleeping in her own room to sleeping in my room on a mattress at the end of my bed, she won't let me out her sight, I just don't know what is going in with her, is it me or what?? I need help and answers or advice, please!!!!
don't react -
I have a 7 y/o and like some of you the problem most times is me; despite the button pushing. I am very tempermental. One of the ways I remain calm and still get my point across, especially if the behavior being corrected is of major importance, is to him is to remind him to look me in the eyes and that what is being said deserves a response like "Yes, I heard you." If the situation is greatly important or I'm enforcing a need for him to respect me or others I use old fashioned values by saying "That response deserves a 'Yes, Mam/ Sir' from you." If he has to "Yes, Mam" me he knows there will be serious reprecusssions for not correcting the behavior.
Getting a child to realize how their behavior/ disrespect affects someone is difficult; having them verbally apologize doesn't always work. I once made my son write a written apology to a teacher for disrespecting her and interrupting her class. That message sunk in because he had to think about it to write it.
I agree with the "parent time-out" theory. Just remember though...the child needs to know why you are walking away from them! This is for several reasons...
They need to know that the time out is in fact for you and that even though there is a behavior/ situation to be corrected (as in, they are not off the hook) that you are not turning your back on them. Whatever behavior is being displayed by them is to, in most cases, obtain attention. Turning and walking away may teach them that when they are in need of interaction/ attention that they are not worthy of it and that people cannot be depended on. I always say "I'm going to the other room to gather my thoughts on this subject; I am not walking away from you and I love you. I will be back to discuss this."
They need to know that they cannot push your buttons to purposely get you to take the time out! This gives them the sense that they can push people away with bad behavior and start down the road of anti-social behavior. They need to know that taking a time out is sometimes appropriate, even for them, but that they cannot always take a time-out from every situation. This way they are not taught to walk away from their problems and still need to figure out ways to resolve issues and conflict.
Self worth, at any age, is very important. As some of you have said, the parent needs to teach respect and deserves respect but the child will learn the most by being afforded respect.
I tell them straight up, "you are bugging me." That is the warning to back down. If they do not, I tell them they need to "find there own space, or I will give them some "work to do" in mine". They usually leave. If they are impatient and need something from me. I tell them, "they may either wait until I have finished my task, or go and do it themselves." When they were younger, obviously they had to wait patiently and that was the point...to learn respect and be considerate of others time as well as their own. Now that they are 8&10, its a toss up on if they chose to wait or do it themselves, and that is FINE with me ;)
Now, if they are pushing my buttons to gain something they want, as oppose to need. I remind them that the behavior they are displaying is "NOT going to work for them, it will actually decrease their chance." My oldest now comes up to me voluntarily on occasion and says, "Sorry mom for my disrespect earlier. I should have ......instead". Love that kid :)
How I should react and how I actually react are 2 different things, as I think is the same with a lot of moms. I want to be able to step back, walk away or not react at all, on the otherhand..... I lose my temper pretty quick with my oldest one ( he is 6 and has a true ability for pushing my buttons) my youngest too, but he is quicker to pull back when he sees me reach my breaking point. I was just reading the article on yelling and realized exactly where I am going wrong, the problem is how to fix it. I think to my self everyday that I will be more aware and conciously pull myself back, but in the heat of it that goes out the door. I am very strong willed, and apparently my children have gotten their personality traits more from me than dad! He is calm, laid back and go with the flow of things.
I know I need to change my behavior before they will change theirs, I just don't know where to start! aaaarrrrrggggghhhhh. I try one thing and it works once but the next time doesn't so I try something else, I just need to find the consistency and follow through!
Thanks to all you mommas out there! I am so grateful for a website like this where we may be strangers but we all have so much in common, and it is refreshing to know that I don't have to do this alone!
God Bless each and every one of you in your "mommy adventures"
My son is ADHD and ODD both so it can be very hard. There is NEVER a simple yes or no to anything. I have interrupted him 15 times before saying "Answer yes or no only, nothing else." and still cannot get a one word answer. He doesn't TRY to push buttons, and he doesnt even realize he is arguing with you until you point it out to him. That is where his teachers and others dont understand him. I try very hard to remain calm and point the arguing out. he will usually respond "I didn't mean to." or "Oh I didnt realize". but i have been doing it from a very early age, even before he was diagnosed as ODD. But is it difficult, especially if you are already having a rough day. And as much as I don't mean to I do end up yelling sometimes. Or telling him how frustrating it is not to be able to get simple yes or no. I guess "No means No" is finally simking in becase now e just started into a bargaining stage. He has a harder time seeing taht it can be interpretted being arguementative. I finally told him the other day after I broke down and yelled that next time i hold up a finger as a warning. He only gets so many per day and then is punished. The finger doesnt talk so it is harder to argue with it, or so I hope. Wish me well that this works and he gets past the bargaining stage soon. It is actually more annoying than the outright arguments were.
Act as they know you to do, do not react but respond and not back off
I have a daughter who will be 5 tomorrow. She was pretty good until about 4 and a half. There were a lot of changes. She got a new baby brother. I pulled her out of daycare to be home with a nanny. The first nanny did not work out as she let her rule the roost and now we have another nanny who is great. However, my daughter constantly refuses to eat when she is supposed to or brush her teeth and negotiates for everything. I have tried several techniques. I try talking calmly which doesn't always work...I tried taking away her Leapster Explorer and TV privileges - this works sometimes. She will actually sometimes say I don't want to play or watch TV and just continues her bad behavior. The one thing that works for most bad behaviors is telling her I am disappointed and then always praising her when she does that thing right the next time. She loves being praised so she tends to want to do it. In the past, I have not done this and since I implemented praising, we saw better behavior out of her. When I am at my wits end however, I do the following and this has always worked but it is very difficult. I say I don't accept this kind of behavior ( or don't say anything at all as she knows what she did wrong) and without another word I pick her up and carry her to her room and tell her she can come out when she is calm and ready to apologize. She usually screams and kicks the door for a while. But always, calms down and comes downstairs and apologies. I also make her repeat to me what she did wrong so that she knows why she was in there in the first place. I hug and tell her I love her and want her to behave. The last time I had to do this she repeatedly slammed the door, so I walked in and calmly took her favorite stuffed animals she sleeps with and said if you continue I will continue to take more toys away and walked out. She screamed for about 2 more minutes and then calmed down and eventually came downstairs and apologized. It is definitely tough love as we sometimes have to hold the door so she doesn't leave the room. But it works like a charm. I usually get a few days to few weeks of good behavior afterwards.
Well today I did some yelling and she did some crying, then no hug at daycare drop-off and I was told that she doesn't want to play with me anymore. So, pretty bad reaction all around. My daughter has been pushing buttons at least since age 2. It's karma though, I was a difficult child as my mother tells me, so it all comes around. I guess I have to try and keep my cool more and just sweat this out. Somewhere in her mid to late 20s she may like me again.
Oh boy!!! We have a 9 yr old & she has been very very disrespectful towards me for a few years now. Her behavior at school & home has been going down hill for about a year & we honestly are at a loss about what to do. She hates the word No, she doesn't like to DO anything, stomps her feet, growls, gives mean & ugly dirty looks, tells, screams, literally throws fits like a lil 2 yr old.... & on top of this, we have an almost 2 yr old that is gradually picking up her bad habitual behavior. Idk where I went wrong.... She's grounded quit a bit due to her lack of responsiblity at school & her citations she's gotten becuz she TALKS too much & doesn't pay attention.... Her at home, she'll take 5-6 hours to do homework, complain & yell & stomp if I instruct her to go clean her room or pick up the living room (she's never had a "set chore list") she's learned to manipulate the situation between her dad & I but he's caught on to that & that makes her even more angry & lash out. She's incredibly smart, bright, funny, loving & is our miracle..... I just don't know what to do anymore. I admit, I DO lose it alot.... I have a bad tendency to yell.... I get so fed up.... I'm up to my eye balls in stress & fear that the baby will begin following in her steps if something isn't done. HELP!!! Any advice, please...... You can email me directly, I'm rarely on here.... Or FB me. firstname.lastname@example.org
Thanks a bunch
I have a ten year old about to be 11 in June..and she just starting the stomping and pouting stage..I just tell her she looks so cute when she pouts..and she laughs...but on a more serious note. I let her know that if she doing things to purposely irritate me then their are consequences that comes along with that..and either we sitt down and talk about why she angry or things could get worse due to her passive aggression...but she usaully picks things not getting worse with more punishment...shes usaully a very good kid. But i know the teenage years are coming....I ve heard they can be hard and they can be good so im getting my boots on...LOLOL
eish,my son threw a remote in my face yesterday it was soooooooo painful till now.....i lost it!