How do you refuse your mother's help?
Your mother often wants to help out with her grandchildren, but what do you do if she becomes overbearing? How do you refuse her help without causing conflict?
Hello I have became a grand mother for the first time on April 9th ,2011. When my daughter gave the honor of asking me to be present at my first grand daughter birth, to me this was the greatest thing my daughter could have done for me ,I have been told by other grand mothers that even if I hadn't been asked it was my rite to be there . I asked myself a simple question , is it really? and the answer I came up with is No. As young mother everyone ( specially grand mothers on either side ) seem to think that at time they have more rite to tell the young mother what to do ,because how can they know anything its up to the old grand mothers to set them straight .Well this is to all grand mothers out there ,it is very sad that you have forgotten what a lot of you or a great number of you went through when you became mother and had to endure the abuse of those who should know better . I remember when I became a mother for the first time everyone had a different opinion on what I should do and how ,so I realize that there was only one way to deal with the problem ,it was head on . I knew that either way Some one was going to be hurt ,I was a brand new mother that was hard enough therefore I made an executive decision I spoke with my family doctor and ask him for help, he told me this is your child no one has the right to tell you what to do unless you ask for advice and when it was given then it was up to me to take or not, also my doctor reminded me that since your mother or mother-in-law had children things had changed and it was up to me to chose not them . My next question was how was I going to make them listen?. to this question he mainly answer if I could not stand up to either of the grand mother even if it was going to cause difficulties amongst the family what kind of mother was I. I went home and realized how true this was ,I called both my mother and my mother-in-law and simply told them I loved them with all my heart and wanted them to be part of my child's live because how ever many children I would have they would all need them but I was the mother and as such I would make the decision ,Therefore I would respect their advice when I asked for it ,and that I would evaluate but the final and only decision would be my . This was very hard but in the long run it was the best thing that I did because a few years after my mother in law told me that from that day on she knew that her grand children had a mother who would always stand up for her family ,So for every young mother out there It is going to be very hard to stand up to any one specially to your mother or mother-in-law but the only way to make sure that everyone understands that you with your better half are the family unite who are going to make the decision for your family the better it will be ,BUT always remember not to hurt any one because when you are asserting yourself as their mother you are not doing it to hurt but simply to create a clear understanding that everyone is welcomed and respected But YOU ARE THE PARENTS everyone else is family . The other reason that I found it so much better is that the children always know who to go to when they need answers and the problems which a great number of families face by having their children playing games between grand parents is not present . Therefore face the big problems head on at the time they happen and you will find that the future will be much happier for everyone specially for you because they will all know not to treat you as though you don't matter , but to respect you and your opinions , life is hard enough face it straight on everyone will look up to you , just remember to always respect others as you want others to respect you , I hope this will help you it did me good luck judite.
I would take her out for lunch or dinner and give her a card of thanks for all she has done. I would then let her know I'm putting the kids on a more consistent schedule and ask what day and 2 hour block works for her. I would also advise her of my need for time to myself and with my spouse. Let her know you will call her firts before getting a sitter giving her first rights of refusal. I would call her daily before she calls me and reassure her that things are going well that day. Make the call right before a scheduled event according to how long you want the conversation. Then let her know you need to go now its time for________. Say bye I love you and talk to you soon. If she buys your kids lots of things begin suggestion a space issue and ask her to keep some of her purchases at her home. If she lives with you, well that answer would depend on if its for her sake or yours. For her sake you lovingly tell her you appreciate the help but want to be the more hands on parent while she is the spoiling gma. If for your sake you live with her, move out asap.
"Thanks, but no." Sometimes, "Mom... stop..." with an eye roll seems to be necessary, though. And, occasionally, I've even used, "She needs a break from you," which I'm sure hurts her feelings, but my daughter *does* get tired of my mom...
This is a little hard for me to answer without knowing a bit more about your situation. My mom lives about 30 minutes away, and she loves to spend time with my two girls. She does not really care for me to be around when she is spending time with them, as she is used to being in charge and making decisions about things. Since we have such different parenting styles, I find myself constantly asking her to do things differently or find myself bugged that she is correcting my children in front of me. My oldest is 7 now, and SLOWLY I am learning to lighten up a little bit, and be more gentle in my criticism or correction of her. I am still very firm about how I do things because her nature is to challenge my rules a little bit at a time until she is walking all over them if I don't keep it in check. I am very grateful for the love and care she always shows them, but it doesn't make it any easier for our relationship when she ignores my requests about things I think are important. Food is a big issue. Our values about food are so different. She will go so far as to sneak food into my house and cover up the trash so I don't find out she fed my kids certain things. We have had some big fights about this. I have to pick my battles though, because she is the sort of person who will go weeks without talking to me if she gets her feelings hurt. That's hard on my kids, and frankly hard on me. I hope that you are clear and firm about your most important rules. I do have to remind her every once in awhile that I am the parent now and my word is the final word. That's hard for her to take, but she needs to hear it sometimes. Be kind and understanding, and listen to her side. Decide what's important to you and ask what is important to her. See if you can set some reasonable guidelines for spending time with your kids so that everyone gets enjoyment out of this special time instead of a headache! Good luck! Family relationships can be the hardest of all to finesse, and it sure takes love and patience! :)
I have 9 grandchildren and I know when I'm over stepping my boundaries. But, I think just being upfront would be the best way to tell me to mind my own business. Ok, I hear you laughing. Grandparents often balance out the overstepping with taking up the slack when they see the parents need a break. So, when I get too pushy, and I realize it, I back off and try to help when the parents get overwhelmed. It works out.
Tell her, "Thank you for your help, I think I can take it from here." And do. If she comes over unannounced, meet her at the door, but don't open it all the way. Tell her that you're very busy and you just can't visit right now. That she should call later and you'll let her know when a better time would be. You have to let her know, beyond a reasonable doubt, that you're an adult and she's raised you so well, that you're confident that you can take care of your own household.
If you base everything you do in RESPECT, there should be no problem. One might say, "Mom ( or whatever name you use for her), I know you want to help me and hat you really love your grandchildren. I am very happy for and respect that quality in you. However, it's now my turn to be the "mother" in my own home and though I really appreciate all you have taught me and all the nurturing and caring you shared and have to share, I ask you to respect that I choose to do things a bit differently than do you."
If it is a matter of her staying to long (Overbearing) or making comments on the way you do things that tends to cause the irritation, respond in a similar fashion to what is said above. Just remember to BASE YOUR REACTION AND RESPONSE IN RESPECT!
i am a grandmother and would hope my daughters would tell me if i over stepped the mark but not letting her in is not a goo idea as it will cause lots of problems all said and done you only have one MUM
enjoy every moment with your babies if that means that you're not enjoying an overbearing mom then something has to be done. good luck. ♥
Although I can understand an overbearing mom that want to be doing overthing would be hard to handle, I have to say I wish my mom would have been there to help with my daughter. My daughter will be 12 this Friday. My mom died the May before she was born. She didn't get to buy her toys, new outfits, to take her school cloth shopping. She never saw her being born, never saw her first steps, or heard her say her first words. Let me take that back and my mom has seen all of this but I never got to see my mom enjoying all these things. Smiling from ear to ear. My daughter does plays, plays sports, dances, etc. I know my mom sees her but I don't get to see my mom's reaction and believe me I would have LOVED to have my mom around for advice from everything to giving birth till now hitting puberty! I understand some gran parents can be overbearing but moms need to share the joy of this wonderful miracle. I really believe it takes a village! Let all be involved in this exciting time and don't be selfish!
Say that; we have other plans, and we call you when we need you looking after our baby? Hopefully this way she doesn't become overbearing and she feels like you are insulting her seeing her grandchild!
Some grandmothers feels it is their job to raise the grandchild, when their times have been and gone, when their own child is now a parent themselves, needs the time to get to know their own child without interfearence, when she/he can ask for advice or help when they need to from their own Mother!